Generic Alternative Aggression

Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee
Seattle Girls’ School
Sugar and Spice but Not Always Nice:
Gender, Bias, and Aggression
Rosetta Eun Ryong Lee (http://tiny.cc/rosettalee)

Agenda
• Gender Differences
• Gender Bias
• Alternative Aggression
• What Can We Do?
• Discussions
• Resources

Disclaimers and
Other Food for Thought

Gender Differences

Brash
Troublemaker
Strong
Competitive
Physical
Silent
Clever
Mistake-Prone
Belligerent
Intuitive
Well-Behaved
Delicate
Cooperative
Emotional
Verbal
Pretty
Perfect
Nice
Gender Bias

Social Development
Joanne Deak, Girls Will Be Girls
• Self Awareness (0-2)
• Parallel Play (2-3)
• Interactive Play (3-6)
• Transitory Friendships (6-8)
• Friendship Clusters (8-10)
• Best Friends or Generalists (10-12)
• Cliques (12-14)
• Interest-Based Friendship Groups (14+)
• (Almost) Universal Acceptance (Seniors)

Special Considerations
Sexy --- Slutty
Powerful --- Bitchy
Smart --- Bookish
Cheerful --- Uncool
Confident --- “All That”
Athletic --- Jocky
Close to Friends --- Lesbian

Process Break
Where are your youth in the landscape of social
development and gender norms/expectations?
What have you noticed?

At the Crossroads

Alternative Aggression
• Relational Aggression
• Indirect Aggression
• Social Aggression

Relational Aggression includes acts that
“harm others through damage (or the
threat of damage) to relationships or
feelings of acceptance, friendship, or
group inclusion.”
Relational Aggression

Indirect Aggression allows the
perpetrator to avoid confronting the
target directly, making it seem as
though there is no intent to harm.
Indirect Aggression

Social Aggression
Social Aggression is intended
to damage self esteem or social
status within a group.

Friends and Frienemies

When It’s Conflict
• A clash between two
individuals or groups
• A disagreement or
argument about
something important
• Etc.

When It’s Bullying
• Power is uneven
• Intent to harm
• Repeated and
sustained
• Efforts to hide from
adults
• Advocacy not
changing behaviors

Outliers of Alternative Aggression

Process Break
How have you seen alternative aggression
play out in your youth’s lives?

Alternative Aggression:
Signs That She Might Be Aggressive
• Her friends do what she wants to do.
• She isn’t intimidated by the other girls.
• Her complaints about other girls are limited to
the lame things they did or said.
• She is charming to adults.
• She won’t (or is very reluctant to) take
responsibility when she hurts someone’s feelings.
• If she thinks she’s been wronged, she feels she
has the right to seek revenge.

Alternative Aggression:
Signs That She Might Be Victimized
• She is more sensitive, unhappy, cautious, anxious,
quiet and withdrawn than other youth.
• She is generally insecure and non-assertive, and
react by withdrawing when targeted by other students
(rather than retaliating or asserting).
• She exhibits sudden change in behaviors: showing
signs of depression, not eating, cutting herself, letting
herself go, losing interest in favorite things, quitting
teams, etc.
• She may be embarrassed to admit that she is being
bullied. She may blame herself or feel guilty.

Advice for Girls
• Know when it is conflict
and when it is bullying
• Engage in healthy
conflict
• Stand up for yourself
• Seek healthy support
when it is bullying
• Tell an adult (tattling
vs. reporting)

D.E.A.R.
Self Advocacy

D.E.A.R. Self Advocacy
• Describe – Describe actions or words without
judgment.
• Explain – Explain the impact of those actions or
words.
• Affirm – Affirm the person or relationship. Assume
positive intent.
• Request – Request different actions, request an
apology, etc.

V.O.M.P. Conflict Tool

V.O.M.P. Conflict Tool
• Voice – Each person has the opportunity to VOICE their feelings
and experience of the conflict using “I” statements. The other person
LISTENS before sharing their experience.
• Own – Each person takes ownership of their piece in the conflict.
“Here’s my contribution to the mess.”
• Mile – Each person “walks a mile” in the other person’s shoes
and tries to see the conflict from the other person’s perspective.
• Plan – Both people work together to make a plan for moving
forward. What can we do so this doesn’t happen again? What will we
do differently next time?

Empowering the Bystander
Many bullying approaches centers
around agents and targets. Why not
address the 70% who are bystanders?
• Empowering bystanders keeps the focus
away from blaming the targets or agents.
• Empowering bystanders gives you a
chance at creating a new “cool.”
• Empowered bystanders can cover
“backstage spaces.”
• A mass of empowered allies shift the
balance of power.

Ally Skills
• Don’t bully
• Speak up when someone else is being bullied
• Assume positive intentions, but don’t let that
assumption make you silent
• Ask questions to clarify and to educate
• Don’t make the person who is bullying into
someone who is getting targeted
• Actively include those who are easily left out
• If you know someone is getting bullied, tell an
adult at school or at home
• Keep the climate healthy

Advice for Schools
The Four Ps
• Policy - A comprehensive anti-bullying policy that
includes alternative aggression.
• Programming - Training for teachers and staff on
alternative aggression and gender bias. Support for
teachers and staff in acting to combat bullying and
bias. Self-esteem, conflict management, and allyship
programs for students.
• Practice - Consistent and meaningful follow-through in
dealing with acts of bullying. Coverage of
unsupervised spaces where bullying occurs most.
• PEOPLE - Critical mass of people who are supportive
AND active on all levels.
EMPOWER THE BYSTANDERS!

Undoing Gender Bias

Questions and Answers

Presenter Information
6th Faculty and
Professional Outreach
Seattle Girls’ School
2706 S Jackson Street
Seattle WA 98144
(206) 805-6562
rlee@seattlegirlsschool.org
http://tiny.cc/rosettalee

Resources
• Joshua M. Aronson, Ph.D., “Improving Achievement & Narrowing the Gap,”
Learning and the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003
• Roy Baumeister, Case Western Reserve University, Various Social
Psychology Experiments on the Effects of Social Exclusion
• Beatbullying Toolkit for Teachers,
http://www.beatbullying.org/images/teachers.pdf
• “Cycle of Bullying,” North Central Educational Service District,
http://www.ncesd.org/safe_civil/docs/resources/cycle_of_bullying.pdf
• Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network)
www.glsen.org
• Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference.
• Tara Kuther, “Understanding Bullying,” PTA.org,
http://www.pta.org/pr_magazine_article_details_1117637268750.html
• John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on theory of mind
and power.
• Michael Thompson & Kathy Schultz, “The Psychological Experiences of
Students of Color,” Independent School Magazine,
http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?Itemnumber=14430
7&sn.ItemNumber=145956&tn.ItemNumber=145958

Resources
• Roy Baumeister, Case Western Reserve University, Various Social
Psychology Experiments on the Effects of Social Exclusion
• Beatbullying Toolkit for Teachers,
http://www.beatbullying.org/images/teachers.pdf
• “Cycle of Bullying,” North Central Educational Service District,
http://www.ncesd.org/safe_civil/docs/resources/cycle_of_bullying.pdf
• Kevin Jennings, GLSEN (Gay Lesbian and Straight Education Network)
www.glsen.org
• Allan G. Johnson, Privilege, Power, and Difference.
• Tara Kuther, “Understanding Bullying,” PTA.org,
http://www.pta.org/pr_magazine_article_details_1117637268750.html
• John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on theory of mind
and power.
• Michael Thompson & Kathy Schultz, “The Psychological Experiences of
Students of Color,” Independent School Magazine,
http://www.nais.org/publications/ismagazinearticle.cfm?Itemnumber=14430
7&sn.ItemNumber=145956&tn.ItemNumber=145958

Gender Specific Resources
• JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., Girls Will Be Girls: Raising Confident and
Courageous Daughters, How Girls Thrive
• Pooja Makhijani, Under Her Skin: How Girls Experience Race in America.
• John Medina, Talaris Research Institute, various studies on early gender
differences in competition and play and “Love Lab.”
• Northwest Girls Coalition, Protective Factors for Middle School Girls -
What can Parents Do?
• Mary Pipher, Ph.D., Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent
Girls
• Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out, Odd Girl Speaks Out, Curse of the Good
Girl
• Harriet R. Tenenbaum, “Gender Achievement Motivation,” Learning and
the Brain Conference, Cambridge, MA, November 2003.
• Rosalind Wiseman, Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter
Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence,
Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads
• Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth.
• Naomi Wolf, Promiscuities.

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