Fixing writing flaws in AP essays

1. “The Secret Sharer”

3. Extending the Analysis
(Discussion of the doppelgänger idea with the captain
and Leggatt)
[extension of this analysis continues]
This idea of pairs actually comes to light in
the first paragraph of the story, with the _____.
 Relationship between the two
 Significance to the story / connection to C/L.
Additionally, the reader sees…
 Relationship between the two
 Significance to the story / connection to C/L.
The ____ also creates the image of a pair,
connected through…
 Relationship between the two
 Significance to the story / connection to C/L.

4. AP English

5. DO NOT
USE
CONTRACTIONS!

6. Write with verbs of doing,
not verbs of being.

7. Eliminating the Verb “To Be”
 One problem beginning writers share
comes from using forms of the verb to be
(is, are, was, were, be, being, been). Often,
they add clutter to your writing.
 For example:
 Max Ernst was sixty-three and knew madness
and death were before him.
 The sun was setting. The few clouds that were
on the horizon were orange.
 Hemingway's "The Killers" is a story that is
dominated by the feeling of impending violence.

8. Eliminating the Verb “To Be”
 When editing, mark the forms of to be and revise the
sentence. Use a stronger verb.
 Here are the sample sentences revised:
 At sixty-three, Max Ernst saw only madness and
death lying before him.
 The setting sun turned the few clouds hanging over
the horizon orange.
 The feeling of impending violence dominated
Hemingway's "The Killers."
 Now these sentences are direct and clear; moreover,
they read quickly.

9. Eliminating the Verb “To Be”
 Look at another example while watching
for was and were.
 The motorcycles were sweeping into the
park like 1000-pound bees. The lead rider
was a huge man and was hunched over the
handlebars. His face was behind a mirrored
visor that was reflecting a miniature and
distorted image of the road that was
stretching before him.

10. Eliminating the Verb “To Be”
 This is a good piece of description, but it
could be sharper.
 Concentrating on eliminating was and
were structures, the writer revised it.
 The motorcycles swept into the park like
1000-pound bees. The lead rider, a huge
man, hunched over the handlebars. A
mirrored visor that reflected a miniature
and distorted image of the road stretching
before him hid his face.

11. Eliminating Passive Voice
 Passive voice consists of a form of the
verb “to be” and a past participle of a
verb:
 Kurtz is represented to be a complex
character.
 The captain is shown to be a weak person
before Leggatt arrives.
 Marlow’s character is demonstrated by
Conrad through a few key scenes in the
novel.

12. Eliminating Passive Voice
 Determine who is doing the action and
make him or her the one in charge:
 Conrad represents Kurtz as a complex
character.
 Conrad shows the captain as a weak person
before Leggatt arrives.
 Conrad demonstrates the complexities of
Marlow’s character through a few key scenes
in the novel.

13. Examples
One summer, along about 1904, a camp was
rented by my father on a lake in Maine, and we
were taken there for the month of August.
Ringworm was gotten from some kittens, and
Pond's Extract had to be rubbed on our arms
and legs night and morning, and a canoe was
rolled over in by my father with all his clothes
on; outside of that the vacation was thought to
be a success, and from then on it was thought
that there was no place like that lake in Maine. It
was returned to summer after summer--always
on the first of August for one month.

14. Examples
One summer, along about 1904, a camp was
rented by my father on a lake in Maine, and we
were taken there for the month of August.
Ringworm was gotten from some kittens, and
Pond's Extract had to be rubbed on our arms
and legs night and morning, and a canoe was
rolled over in by my father with all his clothes
on; outside of that the vacation was thought to
be a success, and from then on it was thought
that there was no place like that lake in Maine. It
was returned to summer after summer--always
on the first of August for one month.

15. Examples
One summer, along about 1904, my father
rented a camp on a lake in Maine, and he took us
there for the month of August. Some kittens gave
us Ringworms, and we had to rub Pond's
Extract on our arms and legs night and
morning, and my father rolled over in a canoe
with all his clothes on; outside of that we
thought the vacation was a success, and from
then on we thought that no place like that lake in
Maine existed. We returned there summer after
summer--always on the first of August for one
month.

16. Examples
One summer, along about 1904, my father
rented a camp on a lake in Maine, and he took us
there for the month of August. Some kittens gave
us Ringworms, and we had to rub Pond's
Extract on our arms and legs night and
morning, and my father rolled over in a canoe
with all his clothes on; outside of that we
thought the vacation was a success, and from
then on we thought that no place like that lake in
Maine existed. We returned there summer after
summer--always on the first of August for one
month.

17. Comma Usage
 When a prepositional phrase starts a
sentence, or when a dependent clause
begins a sentence, use a comma:
 In “The Secret Sharer,”
 After Kurtz died,
 On the Sephora,
 If you’re not sure what a prepositional
phrase is, look it up.

18. Avoiding Demonstrative Phrases
 Don’t start sentences with
 There is…
 There are…
 There was…
 There were…
 These add nothing to your analysis—they simply
point something out.
 Reword the sentence to use a more active verb.
 Bad: There were many examples of pairs in
the short story.
 Better: Conrad develops the doppelgänger
relationship in the short story to…

19. Ambiguous Language
 “Magical Realism plays a very important
role in the novel” is not a strong,
analytical approach to take to any
response.
 State what the role is, thereby creating a
thesis:
 Magical Realism brings the characters in The
House of the Spirits to an ethereal level,
juxtaposing them against a real background
in Chilean society.

20. Very and Really
 Very and really are ambiguous enhancers—they
don’t do anything of value. Don’t use them.
 Esteban Trueba is very (really) prominent figure
in the novel.
 Try: Esteban Trueba’s prominence stands
out among the other characters more so
because…
 Or, Kurtz’s prominence as a foil for
Marlow forces the reader to consider…

21. Pronoun Agreement
 If you have a singular antecedent, use a singular
pronoun:
 Wrong: When a person gets up on time, they
have a better chance to do well in school.
 Right: When a person gets up on time, he
has a better chance to do well in school.
 Wrong: When a person gets up on time,
their chances to do well in school improve.
 Right: When a person gets up on time, his
chances to do well in school improve.

22. Sentence Variety
 Avoid starting sentences with the same word. Avoid
words like “He…” repeatedly. Avoid “There is…” (get
the point?)
 Combine or reword sentences to eliminate the
repetition:
 Bad: He is a man of action. He is a character
who brings trouble wherever he goes. He doesn’t
think things through carefully before he acts.
 Reworded: A man of action, Esteban
brings trouble wherever he goes, not
always thinking things through before he
acts.

23. Examples
 Marlow’s dual self is manifested in the
character of Kurtz.
 Marlow’s dual self manifests itself in the
character of Kurtz.
 The sea is portrayed as a welcoming, secure
entity…
 Conrad portrays the sea as a welcoming,
secure entity…
 The captain was able to also recognize the
qualities he needed…
 The captain recognizes the qualities he
needed…

24. Examples
 There are major similarities between Marlow
and the captain and Kurtz and Leggatt.
 Not only do Marlow from Heart of
Darkness and the captain from “The
Secret Sharer” share certain traits, but
Kurtz and Leggatt from those respective
works also mirror one another; Conrad
explores relationships between
characters, usually with intriguing
outcomes.

25. Examples
 In Heart of Darkness, while on the boat
and drifting along, the sea was very rough
and difficult to go through with many of the
concerns of first the ship breaking down
even before the way into Africa…
 In Heart of Darkness, the boat, while
drifting on a difficult, rough sea,
could have broken down on its way to
Africa…

26. Examples
 Character duality is used to show how
the characters interaction with one
another affects them whether physically
or mentally.
 Conrad’s duality of character—
with Marlow and Kurtz, for
example— demonstrates the
interactions each has with the
other, physically or mentally.

27. Your task
 When writing your journals, work to
eliminate problematic constructions.
 If you’re not sure how to fix a problem,
ask.