Everything agile sydney meetup oct 2019

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Reveal The Toxins in your
team
Everything Agile Sydney Meetup
Oct 2019

Who Am I?
I am Caoilte Dunne
an elabor8 agile coach
6

Agenda
How to play the relationship game
The players in the game
How you lose
How you win
7

Hang on,
when are we going to
talk about team toxins ?

Teams are what we call relationship systems.
They are made up of individuals and the relationship between
them.
We will be talking about team toxins and revealing them to your
team in the
“How we lose” section.
9

Fish did not discover
water
Humans did not
discover relationships

You have had them from the moment you were born.
They matter - they are one of the main sources of human happiness
and human potential.
If you are human you have them.
How much do you know about them ?
Relationships are everywhere

This is John Gottman.
He has done the longest longitudinal study of
relationships in the world.
12
Turns out people have been studying them
for a while

What is the atom of
relationships?
13
He asked a Question

It is a bid for emotional connection
How people respond to a bid,
dictates how the relationship forms
15
What is a Bid

The other person can turn towards
This means reacting in a positive way to the bid.
16
When someone makes a bid
The other person can turn against
It provokes a negative emotional response in the bidder.
The other person can turn away
This means being interested to the bid.

This brings us to the
relationship game
You are always play the relationship game
The relationship game

Wouldn’t it be nice to
know the rules ?

Rule of the game
1) How to play the game?

20
Stage 3 Love / friendship
Stage 2 Personal Relationships
Stage 1 Transactional /
professional
Stage 0 Negative relationships
1st rule : Your goal is to get to stay out of stage 0 and
get to stage 2

21
professional
2nd rule : you go up and down by how you respond
to bids

22
professional
to bids

23
professional
to bids

24
to bids

25
to bids
“How was your
weekend (bid) ”
“my weekend was great
, how was yours?”
(Turn towards)

26
If you turn against you go down multiple levels
“How was your
weekend (bid) ”
“Can you just focus on
work?”
(Turn against)

27
If you turn against you go down multiple levels
“How was your
weekend (bid) ”
“It was ﬁne”
(Turn away)

You bid and they bid back to you
In the course of this the connection forms - this is your
relationship.
How you respond to bids matter!

With a strong relationship you get trust.
29
Strong Relationships Matter
You can give and get feedback
You build on top of each other ideas
You compromise
You have some tolerance for poor behaviour
You get support when it is hard and appreciation when it is good.
You can hold each other to account

Let me demo
I am going to choose a stance
Turn towards - display interest , return interest
Turn against - react in a way that is disagreeable
Turn away - be disinterested
Make a bid !
31

Some Warnings
When being turning away , don’t do
it in way that would get your ﬁred.
So respectful norms apply - be
creative !
When you have a partner in this
game is being disagreeable - don’t
form impressions about them !
They are lovely really

Everyone stand up
Choose a partner , decide who is bidder and who is turning
Turner - Choose a stance
When I say switch roles - the bidder is now turner and vice versa
When I say switch partners - ﬁnd a new partner and assign roles
33

Everyone stand up
Choose a partner , decide who is bidder and who is turning
Turner - Choose a stance
When I say switch roles - the bidder is now turner and
vice versa
When I say switch partners - ﬁnd a new partner and
assign roles
34

Section 2 : The players of the game
36
You are in every relationship you have
Let’s get a better understand of who you are

We are going to focus on 4 parts of you

Privilege
Experience from Noob
Education from Professor
Income/class from poor
Gender from male
Sexual orientation From gay
Race From One
Age From old
To a expert
To grad
Wealthy
female
straight
Another
Young

The cultural lens
Low vs High Power distance
Collaborative Vs Competitive
individual Vs collective
Clock time vs Event time
Being Vs Doing

Then we have your internal frame
Myers brigg : Introversion/Extraversion, Sensing/Intuition, Thinking/Feeling,
Judging/Perception
OCEAN : Openness , agreeableness,Neurotic , conscientiousness , Extraversion
Emotional command system : Commander-in chief, Explorer ,
Sensualist,Energy Czar, jester,Sentry
DISC - Dominance , Conscientiousness, Steadiness , Influence
And so many more ....

Then we have your values
Acceptance Accessibility Accomplishment Accountability Accuracy Achievement Activeness Adaptability Adventure Aesthetics Agility Alertness
Ambition Appreciation Approachability Assertiveness Attentiveness Availability Awareness Balance Beauty Benevolence Boldness Bravery Brilliance
Calmness Camaraderie Candor Capability Carefulness Caution Change Charity Cheerfulness Clarity Cleanliness Cleverness Collaboration
Commitment Compassion Competence Concentration Confidence Conformity Consistency Contentment Cooperation Courage Courtesy Craftiness
Creativity Credibility Cunning Curiosity Daring Decisiveness Dedication Dependability Determination Devotion Dignity Diligence Directness Discipline
Discovery Discretion Diversity Drive Duty Dynamism Eagerness Education Effectiveness Efficiency Elegance Empathy Encouragement Endurance
Energy Enjoyment Entertainment Enthusiasm Equality Excellence Excitement Experience Expertise Exploration Expressiveness Extroversion
Exuberance Fairness Faith Faithfulness Family Fearlessness Ferocity Fidelity Fierceness Fitness Flexibility Fluency Focus Frankness Freedom
Friendliness Friendship Fun Generosity Gratitude Growth Happiness Harmony Health Helpfulness Heroism Honesty Honor Hopefulness Hospitality
Humility Humor Imagination Impartiality Independence Ingenuity Initiative Innovation Inquisitiveness Insightfulness Inspiration Integrity Intelligence
Introversion Intuitiveness Inventiveness Joy Justice Kindness Knowledge Leadership Learning Liberty Logic Love Loyalty Mastery Maturity
Meticulousness Mindfulness Modesty Motivation Neatness Open-mindedness Openness Optimism Order Orderliness Organization Originality
Outlandishness Outrageousness Passion Patience Peace Perceptiveness Perfection Perseverance Persistence Persuasiveness Philanthropy
Playfulness Pleasure Power Pragmatism Precision Preparedness Privacy Proactivity Professionalism Prudence Punctuality Purposefulness
Rationality Realism Reason Reflection Regularity Reliability Resilience Resolution Resolve Resourcefulness Respect Responsibility
Responsiveness Restraint Rigor Sacrifice Security Self-control Self-discipline Self-reliance Sensitivity Serenity Service Sharing Silliness Simplicity
Sincerity Skill Solidarity Speed Spirituality Spontaneity Stability Status Stealth Stewardship Strength Success Support Sympathy Synergy Teamwork
Thankfulness Thoroughness Thoughtfulness Thrift Timeliness Tolerance Tranquility Transcendence Trust Trustworthiness Truth Understanding
Uniqueness Unity Valor Variety Vigor Vision Vitality Warmth Willfulness Wisdom Wittiness Wonder Zeal

For every conversation
My privilege , personality , values and culture
(both family and location) are present in every
interaction I have.
The cogs turn and I say
“Hi , how was your weekend”

Now we add the speciﬁc context of the day
This is your “baggage”

Your current agenda
To be liked
To get Budget
To save your team
To stick it to michael
To learn about cloud
computing
To be respected
To be respected
To do a little work
as possible
To Prove yourself
To be a leader
To be a mom
To try something new
To make money
To make a difference
To be fulfilled
To have more
power

Your orgs culture
Explicit
Implicit

This is your actually your stand up
Cogs
(mental
model)
Baggage
(context)

Quick Activity - Unique but not alone
This is a quick palette cleanser activity.
We are going to have you talk about your inner workings and
your baggage and what these let you bring to your team.
Let me demo

Unique but not alone - demo
I am straight , white, male , between 40-50 , college educated
, upper middle class ..
I am irish - culture is individualistic , collaborative , clock time,
low power distance
I am high on openness , medium neurotic , Low
agreeableness , medium consciousness and medium
extroversion . I am assertive and expressive.
My values are benevolence, Loyalty, Rationality, Curiosity

Quick activity
Split into pairs.
You have one minute to think about your unique proposition to your team
You have 1 minute to tell you pair about how your unique in your team
Then switch and let your pair tell you how they are unique
Remember !

Privilege
Who are you in the
world
Experience
Education
Income/class
Gender
Sexual orientation
Race
Age
Culture
Where do you get
your cultural
attitudes from.
What does your
culture hold dear
What does it
abhor
Personality
How do people
describe you
OCEAN :
Openness ,
agreeableness,
Neurotic ,
conscientiousness
Extraversion
Values
What do you
project into the
world.
What guides the
choices you make

Rules of the game
2) The players of the
game

Third rule : Every relationship has two sides-
the cogs don’t change ,the baggage does

On Wednesday - same relationship, same
cogs , diﬀerent baggage

Fourth rule : There is lots of relationships

Maths ! - How many unique relationships in
a team

Maths ! - How many unique relationships in
a team
People in team 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Num. of relationships 1 3 6 10 15 21 28 36 45 55

Here is the good news
The diversity in your team generates lots of options. That’s
the point.
Your teammates will see problems ,think of solutions and
have expertise that you won’t.

Having lots of options means lots of
disagreements
Some options are beneficial to some more than others.
Your self worth can be tied to your option being chosen.
Explicit or implicit Power is used to get an option chosen.
Your option furthers your agenda.
Your option is the RIGHT one.

Having disagreements is not bad
It is the level of skill with which they are handled that matter.
We will tend to act unskillfully.

When I think of conﬂict I think

Even Conﬂict is not necessarily bad !

This is the good stuﬀ … If
If the conflict is inside acceptable team norms.
If the conflict does not damage relationships in the team.
If the conflict is channeled towards sustainable change.

Uncontrolled conﬂict destroys relationship
We have already heard that you need a lot more positive than
you do negative.
There is a long term problem with being in the loss column
more often than not.

Rules of the
games
How you lose

Fifth rule : The higher the stage the more
levels , the more bids

In a given evening we can
bid hundreds of time with our
significant other.

When it is a negative
relationship there are fewer
opportunities for bids.

The ratio changes as you go
down the stages
Sixth rule : As you go down , less ladders ,
more snakes

In the middle 1:5 ratio
This is the typical ratio for a
healthy relationship.
It may be even more if you
want to improve the
relationship

Sixth rule : As you go down , less ladders ,
more snakes

At the top levels , it is easier
Ladders are more effective,
snakes are less effective
This is called
“Positive sentiment
override”

At the bottom levels , it is harder
Ladders are less
effective, snakes are
more effective
This is called
“negative sentiment
override”

We have a recipe for some bad relationships
in teams
Frequent interactions
A diverse set of values , background , culture and personality
Hidden agenda, Emotions , Org culture and the stress of the day to
A needed high ratio of positive to negative interactions.
The need to decide one option out of many
Accelerating negative relationships

Let’s talk about how you lose the game
criticism/blaming Defensiveness
Contempt Stonewalling

These are known as the team toxins
criticism/blaming Defensiveness
Contempt Stonewalling
They are the behaviours that ruin
relationships
They are very strong forms of turning
away and turning against
Turning against Turning away

The team toxins is an exercise (from ORSC)
You get to “reveal the system to itself”
This exercise is about your team learning about your team.
If something goes unnamed it is very hard to talk about.
This covers both awareness and empathy.
It gives your team the ability to be explicit about the most common negative
interactions within the team.

You can do this activity with your team
1) Don’t open a door you don’t know how
to handle. If this exercise might subject
someone to attention they don’t know
how to process , be careful about how
you proceed
2) Ensure the team has the psychological
safety to continue

You can use the activity to two ways
1. You can use it as health check with your team. This is when the team is
healthy and secure. It can generate good conversation.
2. You can use it when the team needs to know itself better. This is harder , will
be more emotional - but it can be conversation the team needs to have.

There will be a step-step instruction given at
the end
But for the moment we are going to walk you through in the exercise

step 1 : explanation of the toxins
Go through the exercise of explaining the 4 team toxins
a) Criticism
b) Contempt
c) Defensiveness
d) Stonewalling

Defensiveness
This is where you victimize yourself to deflect blame
Bob Mary
1) Neutral / negative interaction
2) Redirected with ampliﬁed negativity and
blame

Stonewalling
When no communication gets through
Mary
Bob
1) Neutral / negative interaction
2) Communication
is not received ,
no sign of
reception

Criticism/Blame
Bob Mary
Complaint : how i feel + speciﬁc situation + how
it can be better
Criticism : General + negative + personal
When you negatively focus on the person rather than the situation

Contempt
A sense of superiority , leading to disrespect , leading to real hurt
Mary
Bob
Believing you’re better , acting out
of that sense of superiority

Step 2 : Setup the space
Everyone stand up and
clear a space in the
center of the room.
On the ground mark out
a X (with masking tape)
and put the markers for
the 4 toxins
Contempt
CriticismDefensiveness
Stonewalling

Step 3 : Previous team *
Remember a Previous team
What was the most prominent toxin in that team *
Go stand in the wedge that identifies that toxin.
Between yourselves come up with the stance /movement
that typifies that toxin.
What were the situations that brought out the toxin in the
team
Contempt
Stonewalling

*
Depending on the level of safety in the team at this point
you can switch from previous team to current team.
We will be talking about your own personal toxin soon
enough so you will get exposed to current state soon
enough.
Contempt
Stonewalling

Step 3 : Previous team *
Remember a Previous team
What was the most prominent toxin in that team *
Go stand in the wedge that identifies that toxin.
Between yourselves come up with the stance /movement
that typifies that toxin. Share
What were the situations that brought out the toxin in the
team. Share
Contempt
Stonewalling

Step 4 : Vulnerability
Still in the wedge that the previous or current team
occupies.
What is underneath the toxin. Drill down to the
vulnerability it is protecting
"what does acting with that toxin get them"
"it is not skillful but it is in service of something"
"How is it trying to helpful",
Share
Contempt
Stonewalling

Step 5 : Your own toxin !
Move to the toxin that you do most.
With your group -
What situations make it come out in you
What is underneath it for each of them
Contempt
Stonewalling

Step 6 : Your antidotes
In your wedge, you are going to have 6 mins to come up
with two antidotes to the toxin you employee.
What has the been the technique you have employed
that has mitigated this behaviour in you or an agreed
team norm that has done the same.
You have to present the two best ideas back to the main
group.
Contempt
Stonewalling

An example of a Antidote
This is an example of practice the team can
start to use.
You are naming something , allowing for the
team to start to use it in day to day fashion. It
gives the team a shorthand.
Assume good intent
Sometimes it is easy to read an action
as negative. This is a frame (possibly a
reasonable one). Take the time to also
assume good intent.

Step 7 : The ORSC(ish) antidotes
Go through the antidotes per toxin (turn over the page)
Contempt
Stonewalling

Defensiveness Antidotes
2% truth
Every perspective has 2% truth , You are
committed to understanding what is true
in the opinion you disagree with
Curiosity
Take the time be interested in
something you don’t know , someone
else's perspective or their context.
Take responsibility
Accept a team member's perspective and
oﬀer an apology for any wrongdoing
Assume good intent
Sometimes it is easy to read an action
as negative. This is a frame (possibly a
reasonable one). Take the time to also
assume good intent.

Criticism/blaming Antidotes
COIN
Context - when/where/who
Observation - what did you notice
Impact - What was the eﬀect
Next -What agreement is needed
Feed Forward
Starting the positive change you want
rather than focusing on the negative
behaviour.
Soft start up
94% of the time how a conversation starts
determines how it will end
So start with
● ‘I’ not you
● don’t evaluate or judge
● Complain but don’t blame
No Hands From Grave
When an issue has been resolved , Don’t
bring it up again

Stonewalling Antidotes
Voice of the system - speak up
You are a vital part of the system. By not
speaking up you are causing your system
to be less. Your input is important and
expected.
Physiological self soothing
When you are worried or stressed -
be able to do something that is
soothing and distracting easily and
with support and understanding of
the team.
Transparency
There is a need for the system to see
all the data. By agreeing that data is
the systems you accept that data
needs to be visible to be useful
Flooded
An agreement when you are
overwhelmed that you can break off
from the conversation. You are
‘Flooded’

Contempt Antidotes
No Triangulation
Don’t talk to others to gain support for
your cause.
Talk to the person with whom you have
a issue first.
Strong opinions,loosely held
Be passionate about your views but
don’t equate passion with inflexibility.
Listen to others passion , not just your
own
Disagree and commit
When you don’t agree with a
decision , once it has been
accepted by the team you commit
to the outcome as if was your
preference
Your perspective is true
and partial
Access the wisdom of others by
turning down your certainty

Section 4 : How we win
So many relationships !
So many toxins !
Bad relationships are hard to improve !

You win because you now know the rules
1) Your goal is to get to stay out of Negative relationship and get to a personal
relationship
2) you go up and down by how you respond to bids
a) If you turn towards you go up a level
b) If you turn against or you turn away you go down multiple levels
3) Every relationship has two sides- the cogs don’t change ,the baggage does
4) There is lots of relationships
5) The higher the stage - more levels , more bids
6) The lower the stage - less ladders , more snakes

You understand bids
You bid , they respond
They bid , you respond
You know the importance of the bid.

You can spot the toxins
When does stonewalling , defensiveness , criticism /blame and contempt
appear your team.
You act decisively when it does.

You get to make the implicit , Explicit
If you don’t name it , you can’t talk about it
If you can’t talk about it you can’t fix it
Talk to your team about the toxins and antidotes.
What needs to be added to your team charter (antidotes are great addition)

Rules of the
games
Other people watch
you play

Seventh rule : When you respond to a bid
other people notice
When you turn towards
People feel like they can be
included

other people notice
When you turn away , against
People take sides, feel the pain

other people notice
When you respond with a toxin ,
you normalise toxins in the team.

You are now armed with awareness
Think back to that moment where you decided to step into
the toxin that you most often express.
Toxins affect the whole system.
You now have the ability to act on that knowledge.
How are you going to show up in your team tomorrow ?

That’s the end !
Some crediting

Resources - ORSC
ORSC is a big one - CRR global is the company that runs the training.
Team toxins is in ORSC@work which is being run in melbourne on 18-19 nov
Go to https://www.crrsingapore.com/calendar--fees.html to get more details

You win because you now know the rules
1) Your goal is to get to stay out of Negative relationship and get to a personal
relationship
2) you go up and down by how you respond to bids
a) If you turn towards you go up a level
b) If you turn against or you turn away you go down multiple levels
3) Every relationship has two sides- the cogs don’t change ,the baggage does
4) There is lots of relationships
5) The higher the stage - more levels , more bids
6) The lower the stage - less ladders , more snakes
7) When you respond to a bid other people notice

Steps for team toxins
On the ground mark out a X (with masking tape) and put the
markers for the 4 toxins
Walk the team through the toxins with examples
Criticism/Blaming : When you negatively focus on the person
rather than the situation
Contempt : A sense of superiority , leading to disrespect , leading
to real hurt
Defensiveness : This is where you victimize yourself to deflect
blame
Stonewalling :When no communication gets through
Ask a the team members to think of previous team.
Get the team to step where they think the most commonly
occupied by their previous team. People can occupy more than 1
wedge
What is the Stance , sound , gesture of that toxin. Get the people
in a quadrant adopt a pose/gesture that best describes that toxin.
What were the situations that bring out the toxin in that team
What is underneath the toxin. Drill down to the vulnerability it is
protecting
"what does acting with that toxin get them"
"it is not skillful but it is in service of something"
"How is it trying to helpful",
What is going on here
What would there gesture be ?
Go to the wedge that you most often employed by you.
What situations bring in out in the her/him
What is underneath that for each of them
Brief discussion in their new groups.
Turn over the antidotes cards and review the antidotes with the
team

Everything agile sydney meetup oct 2019

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