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Disagreeing With Dignity
The document summarizes a presentation on disagreeing with dignity in relationships. The main points are: 1. Maintaining the quality of friendship through skills like clarifying, validating, and couples dialogue. 2. Learning the Gottman six skills for conflict management: self-soothing, softened start-up, repair and de-escalation, dreaming within conflict, accept influence, and compromise. 3. With these skills, arguing can potentially lead to more positive interactions rather than damaging the relationship.
Disagreeing With Dignity
- 1. Disagreeing with DignityDisagreeingwith Dignity Presented by:Presented by: Don Boice, LCSW-RDon Boice, LCSW-R donboice@boicecounseling.comdonboice@boicecounseling.com 802-1273802-1273 Intake Line: (585) 544-5342Intake Line: (585) 544-5342
- 2. AgendaAgenda 1. Introductions1. Introductions Whatyou hope to getWhat you hope to get Sign in, Phones, Presenter’s CredentialsSign in, Phones, Presenter’s Credentials 2.2. Main PointsMain Points A.A. Quality of friendshipQuality of friendship B. Gottman six skills for conflictB. Gottman six skills for conflict C. Arguing leads to positive interactionsC. Arguing leads to positive interactions 3. Questions and Answers3. Questions and Answers
- 3. Quality of FriendshipQualityof Friendship Prevention Skills:Prevention Skills: • ClarifyClarify • ValidateValidate • Use “Couples Dialogue”Use “Couples Dialogue” Role-play each of the aboveRole-play each of the above
- 4. Main Points:Main Points: Howto Stay TogetherHow to Stay Together • Quality of friendshipQuality of friendship • Six Skills for ConflictSix Skills for Conflict • Arguing can lead to positive interactionsArguing can lead to positive interactions
- 5. No Hitting Belowthe BeltNo Hitting Below the Belt Downregulate negative affectDownregulate negative affect Absence of hitting below the belt does not aAbsence of hitting below the belt does not a good relationship makegood relationship make Upregulate positive affectUpregulate positive affect • Have fun together, laugh, play, cuddle andHave fun together, laugh, play, cuddle and be intimatebe intimate
- 6. Six Skills forConflict ManagementSix Skills for Conflict Management • Self- Soothing- 100 beats per minuteSelf- Soothing- 100 beats per minute • Softened Start-up- I feel, gentle/tactfulSoftened Start-up- I feel, gentle/tactful • Repair and De-escalate- stay on track- talkRepair and De-escalate- stay on track- talk about wanting to calm down, appreciateabout wanting to calm down, appreciate • Dream Within Conflict- deeply held feelings notDream Within Conflict- deeply held feelings not given up easily- similar to hidden agendagiven up easily- similar to hidden agenda • Accept Influence- willing to move towardAccept Influence- willing to move toward compromisecompromise • Compromise create a common way of thinkingCompromise create a common way of thinking vs give upvs give up
- 7. Six Skills PlusSixSkills Plus • Power struggle= hidden agenda- goPower struggle= hidden agenda- go deeper- see dream within conflictdeeper- see dream within conflict • 4 Horsemen gone? It still hurts4 Horsemen gone? It still hurts • If you are successful they will haveIf you are successful they will have confidence that they can repair stuff whenconfidence that they can repair stuff when it gets bad. Jacobsenit gets bad. Jacobsen
- 8. PhysiologyPhysiology • Your bodyis involved when you areYour body is involved when you are flooding- no wonder you cannot listen, youflooding- no wonder you cannot listen, you do not feel safe, this is dangerous to youdo not feel safe, this is dangerous to you • Your emotions are hijacking your thoughtsYour emotions are hijacking your thoughts • When one person gets angry the otherWhen one person gets angry the other person almost always gets angry- preventperson almost always gets angry- prevent
- 9. Quality of FriendshipQualityof Friendship TraditionsTraditions • I assume the bestI assume the best • We pray before and afterWe pray before and after • Written communicationWritten communication • We hold handsWe hold hands • We say, “I love you”We say, “I love you” • We toss a coinWe toss a coin
- 10. 5:1 Ratio5:1 Ratio 20:1if Not Disagreeing20:1 if Not Disagreeing How can you achieve it?How can you achieve it? • Points SystemPoints System • Passion Killers i.e. arguingPassion Killers i.e. arguing • OtherOther
- 11. More Positive InteractionsMorePositive Interactions CuddleCuddle Hold handsHold hands Physical intimacyPhysical intimacy I StatementsI Statements • ““I feel _______ when ________”I feel _______ when ________” • ““I feel scared when you say we mightI feel scared when you say we might divorce.”divorce.” • ““I feel hurt and angry when you call meI feel hurt and angry when you call me names.”names.” • Invitation to get to know me/youInvitation to get to know me/you
- 12. To Return toWhere We BeganTo Return to Where We Began • Quality of friendship/positive affectQuality of friendship/positive affect • Six skillsSix skills • Arguing ideally leads to positiveArguing ideally leads to positive interactions- ask for needs/wishesinteractions- ask for needs/wishes
- 13. QuestionsQuestions • What questionsdo you have that have notWhat questions do you have that have not yet been answered?yet been answered? • When you think of a question, you mayWhen you think of a question, you may reach Don Boice, LCSW-R at 802-1273reach Don Boice, LCSW-R at 802-1273
Editor's Notes
- #3 Utility- What is the benefit (utility) of learning this? Product- What is it that I will learn? Process- What process will we use to accomplish/achieve our goal? How do you want us to participate? Objective- If we are successful, we will be able to ______ at _____ (this level of mastery) Process Justification- Where did the theory come from and why are we using this source? Proof of Ability- Has this helped anyone? Review- Again the process, the objective and the utility are as follows
- #13 Conclusion for Disagreeing with Dignity Before we move into the conclusion, let me ask, what questions do you have? And How do you think these ideas would work in your relationship? Thank you for coming tonight. I appreciate you being here and committing your time. This is an important topic and I am grateful that we could spend the time together. My wish for you is that you use the information in all your arguments, not just the ones with your spouse. When you apply these to your life, you will find much more peace and serenity and less drama. Again, imagine if all the disagreements in the world used these techniques. The needless pain they could prevent… As far as your relationship, we learned about the 5:1 ratio of good interactions to bad ones, that the quality of friendship in a relationship predicts divorce quite accurately and that you have power over the type of interactions you have after a disagreement. If you have questions about the presentation, about Couples Counseling or Gender Communication, please feel free to contact me. My information is in the handouts and if you forget, you can always find me by Googling “Boice Counseling”.
- #14 What questions do you have? How do you think these ideas would work in your area? Thank them Call to ACTION Review- now lets go over what we learned today When you apply these to your life you will benefit Greet people by the door