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Domestic violence occurs across all socioeconomic groups, including affluent communities. While domestic violence may seem hidden in wealthy areas, it is a serious problem. Emotional abuse, including constant criticism and humiliation, is particularly common form of abuse against women in affluent relationships. Over time, the cycle of abuse can spiral downward, with attacks becoming more frequent and intense, until the woman's spirit is crushed. Ultimately, domestic violence in all forms is about an abuser gaining and maintaining power and control over their victim.

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Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities OMEN F EANS SCAPE ETWORK, ilicon alley
Women-of-Means Escape Network~ Silicon Valley W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s Resources mission:  Personal  We support and empower all women in  Therapeutic their struggle to free themselves from  Legal domestic violence  Financial  We address the unique challenges of  Vocational professional and upper- income women through  Educational a network of resources Website: www.losaltoscf.org/womensv Email: womensv@losaltoscf.org Phone: 650-996-2200 2
WOMEN~SV is an official program of: Los Altos Community Foundation
Domestic violence defined  A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.  Includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, t errorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. U.S. Department of Justice4
A pregnant woman’s highest risk factor: • her partner “A pregnant or recently pregnant woman is more likely to be a victim of homicide than to die of any other cause." Journal of the American Medical Association, 2001
The hidden epidemic…  1 in 4 women is a victim of severe physical violence in her lifetime (CDC)  According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 85-95 percent of reported spousal assaults are committed by men against women Office of the District Attorney, Family Violence Division, 70 West Hedding Street Santa Clara County 6 San Jose, CA 95110
The Invisible Epidemic • “The prevalence is very high in educated, employed U.S . women”1 • “Intimate partner violence is a problem for the entire population, not just certain subgroups .”2 • Domestic violence cuts across all socioeconomic groups3 1,2 Robert S. Thompson, M.D., of the Group Health Center for Health Studies, June 2006 issue, American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 3 Phil Hammer, esq.
Even in “nice” neighborhoods… There is a general perception that: • domestic violence doesn’t happen in affluent classes. • even if it does occur occasionally, the affluent woman has all the resources she needs to deal with it. Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., 20018
In upscale Marin and Sonoma Counties… • "I represent an affluent district, but when I worked to form my county's first battered-women's shelter, some nights there were no beds left.” • “Violence against women crosses all economic lines.” -- Representative Lynn Woolsey of California 9
16 DV Deaths in 2011 • Last year, in Santa Clara County, the number of domestic- violence-related deaths in Santa Clara County tripled from 5 (in 2010) to 16.1 • Most of these deaths occurred in more affluent areas.2 • On average, over one murder per month 1 Santa Clara County Public Health Dept 2 Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director, Next Door Solutions to Community Violence.Personal Interview, 10-3-2011
In Los Gatos… • “The Daous' affluent lifestyle with multiple homes and luxury cars may have seemed storybook to outsiders.” • “Court records reveal a long series of domestic abuse and threats.”  Carmen Daou in her restraining order: "I can no longer live with the fear that my husband will physically abuse and possibly kill me.”  She was also afraid he would use their children to punish her. Three weeks later her husband shot himself and their son. Los Gatos Weekly Times, Sean Webly, 8/5/2011
High Crime Area? • The most frequently reported crime in Los Gatos in 2009 was… • Domestic Violence Captain Alana Forrest, Los Gatos Police Department, 2009 12
In Palo Alto… Palo Alto Man Arrested for Attempted Murder of Wife August 24, 2011 A 48-year-old Palo Alto man was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder after he stabbed his wife in south Palo Alto. www. Paloaltopatch. com
In Los Altos, Los Altos Hills… • 11 per cent of all calls to police are domestic- violence related.
The more educated the abuser, the more subtle the threat can be… But just as terrifying…  A Silicon Valley lawyer said to his client during her divorce: “Your husband is a doctor. Why don’t you want me to press harder to get a better settlement?”  She said because her husband had told her: “Do you know there are at least forty ways to kill a woman and make it look like she died of natural causes?” 15
Domestic violence includes… …the more obvious kinds of intimate partner violence:  Physical  Sexual
It also includes these other forms of abuse… • Overt adultery Arnold S. and mistress • Spiritual • Financial • Homophobic • Immigration • Elder • Teen • Child Now refusing to pay spousal support to Maria 1 United States Department of Justice, http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm 17 District Attorney of Santa Clara County, 2011
One more type of abuse: Legal • “The family law practitioner has particular responsibilities in this arena. When a couple divorces, the legal system may become a symbolic battleground on which the male batterer continues his abuse." Kara Bellew, Silent Suffering: Understanding Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities, Women’s Rights Law Reporter, Winter, 2005 And this happens across the board, no matter how rich or poor the woman is. 18 Rolanda Pierre-Dixon, Assistant District, Santa Clara County
The main form of abuse in affluent communities is… Emotional:  constant criticism  threats  diminishing her abilities  name-calling  Damaging her relationship with her children • the most harmful form of abuse. • The emotional scars from this kind of abuse can last a lifetime.
How Can You Recognize Emotional Abuse? An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior. Is it abuse? Ask yourself:  Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?  Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, call you names, swear at you, or undermine your self-esteem?  Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?  Do you feel that nothing you do is ever good enough? 20
 Does your partner isolate you from friends, family or groups?  Does your partner limit or undermine your access to work, money or material resources?  Does your partner give you the cold shoulder, stonewall, or make angry, threatening gestures?  Is your relationship “bi-polar”, swinging back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? 21
 Have you ever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?  Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?  Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, smashed things in front of you, or threatened pets?  Are you afraid of your partner? Do you find yourself “walking on eggshells” to avoid “setting him off”? 22
A pattern emerges. A cycle… Except, according to Susan Weitzman, Ph.D, affluent men tend to skip the 23 apologies.
… as the cycle becomes a downward spiral The cycle of domestic violence model has evolved into a tightly coiled spring with: • the intervals between attacks growing shorter • the attacks, as well as becoming more frequent, becoming more intense over time • spiraling downward and ending in either death or subjugation for the woman where she is • utterly defeated from “learned helplessness”, her spirit crushed • with no hope of ever breaking free. 24
The downward spiral… 25 Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence; Web: www.apiahf.org/apidvinstitute
What’s it all about? Power and Control C O P N O T W R E O R L 26
Civil Rights/Human Rights Violation • What is taken from her is the capacity for independent decision making that differentiates adults from children and free citizens from indentured servants. Coercive Control by Evan Stark, 2007 27
A pattern of “coercive control” Tactics used to gain control over her: • Violence (slamming his fist into a wall) • Intimidation (towering over her) • Isolation • Degradation • Barring access to resources • Undermining her autonomy • Micromanaging and invading her personal space Coercive Control: how men entrap women in 28 personal life by Evan Stark, 2007
• Inducing exhaustion (waking her up in the middle of the night for trivial reasons) • Occasional indulgences • Threats • Demonstrating omnipotence • Degradation • Enforcing trivial demands Ohio Domestic Violence Network Information is Power sourcebook— www.odvn.org—developed from Biderman’s Chart of Coercion in Amnesty International (1975) report on torture 29
“Death by a thousand cuts.” These tactics are ongoing and cumulative. They wear her down over time, corrode her self-esteem, her sense of self, wholeness, and independence. They are the same kind of tactics used to wear down prisoners of war. Coercive Control by Evan Stark, 2007
Strongest statement yet on effects of abuse on children • Child maltreatment appears to be the single most preventable cause of mental illness and behavioral dysfunction in the United States www.pubmed.gov Neurodevelopmental biology associated with childhood sexual abuse J Child SexAbuse. 2011 sep; 20(5): 548-87. PMID: 21970646
The damage to children • The emotional stress of exposure to domestic violence can harm the development of the brain and impair cognitive and sensory growth in infants and toddlers • Children exposed to domestic violence have more health problems, poorer school performance, and more behavioral disturbances than children not exposed to domestic violence Nearly 2/3 of all homicides committed by young men under age 20 are sons killing the man who has beaten their mother. http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/Children.pdf
Another cycle of violence Abusive Father Adult Child as Victim or Abuser Child Witness 1 of every 3 abused children grows up to become an abuser or victim http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/facts.htm 33
And when they grow up… • Childhood traumatic stress increases the likelihood of hospitalization with a diagnosed autoimmune disease decades into adulthood. • Higher risk for tobacco use, substance abuse, unintended pregnancy, obesity, cancer, heart disease, stroke, PTSD Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Why doesn’t she speak up? Why doesn’t she leave? • One of the hallmarks of the violence experienced by affluent women is the great pains to which they will go to hide it. • Sometimes even from herself • Her inner life has been very much at odds with her outer. Her place in “privileged” society has not saved her from losing freedom, respect, peace, and safety. All that is about to become Rihanna after Chris Brown’s attack very public. 35 Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., 2001
Affluent abusers often control the finances and have more resources at their disposal to: • Thwart the woman’s escape • Reach an unfair settlement • Take custody of the children • Find her when she escapes • Use the legal system and high-powered attorneys to continue the abuse 36
What legal help/protection does she have?  Restraining orders can help keep her safe; but they can also trigger retribution; how can she be sure which it will be in her case?  Batterers’ intervention programs: 5% effective  Court ordered anger management classes: 0% effective Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe, Next Door Domestic Violence Advocates  46% of homicides and 56% of rapes go unsolved every year in our state. California Senator, Loni Hancock CA Senator, Loni Hancock
Why doesn’t she speak up? Why doesn’t she leave? Many reasons:  She thinks if she hasn’t been beaten, it may not be abuse  She can’t bring herself to believe her husband has a dark side, different from what he presents to the world Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan 38 Weitzman, Ph.D., 2001
She stays because… • Many women fear losing custody or having joint custody with the abuser. What would happen if they weren't present to protect the children? • They may be influenced by family, religious, or personal beliefs to stay in their marriages. • Some believe a bad father is better than no father. • Many women feel isolated and ashamed of their situation. Asking for help or leaving would mean revealing their secret of spousal abuse. Deborah King, attorney, author of bestseller Truth Heals: What You Hide Can Hurt You (Hay 39 House, 2009, Web: http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/resources/advice/domestic-violence/)
She stays because… • There are periods of calm (the "honeymoon" phase of the domestic violence cycle) that lead women to hope the abuse is over. • And maybe if she tries just a little bit harder, things will get better… Deborah King, attorney, author of bestseller Truth Heals: What You Hide Can Hurt You (Hay House, 2009, Web: http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/resources/advice/domestic-violence/) • And she may not feel complete if she’s not married. Rolanda Pierre-Dixon, personal interview, 7/22/11 40
She stays because… • She may still love him • She may have grown up in a chaotic, abusive home and may see her abuser’s behavior as “normal”. Jessica Lisi, LCSW, personal interview 8/19/2011 • If she comes from a less privileged background, she may come to accept the abuse as the price she must pay for having moved up into this more “privileged” lifestyle Paul Marcille, Ph.D., personal interview 8/23/2011
Sometimes, even with evidence, they don’t believe her… • "People see the image, and they don't think that these people have a mean, ugly, abusive side." • “Simpson”, says Nicole's friend since high school, Eve Chen, "had a great sense of humor and wonderful charm. It was easy to think, 'Oh, pffff, he can't be doing her any harm.' " 42 Joan Farr, director of Metro-Dade Family and Victim Services in Miami
Why else does she stay? Fear: What is she afraid of? • Losing her children, her reputation, her home, her social standing, her lifestyle, her life savings • Being stalked, harassed, bullie d, injured, killed • If she files a restraining order against him, it may cost her abuser his job and there goes all the support she was needing. 43
What is she afraid of? • 90 per cent of women who are killed by their intimate partner are killed AFTER they leave.
What keeps her from getting help?  Like Michael Corleone’s wife in The Godfather, she is taught never to talk to any “outsiders” about the family.  How can she compare her story to anyone else’s or get support if she can never tell anyone?  Very convenient for an abuser. 45
Further Isolation… • “Most people don’t feel sympathy for a woman with financial resources” • “…there are no structures in the culture supporting the fact that domestic violence happens to ‘people like us’” • “The upscale, abused woman feels internal, peer-group, and societal pressure to maintain an external image at odds with how she feels inside” 46
What is He Thinking? The “man-of means” abuser often: • Feels entitled • Maintains the abuse is always her fault Sheriff Mirkarimi and his wife • Thinks what happens in the home stays in the home • Does not believe in community property  He believes everything belongs to him— including her. 47
Affluent abusers… Susan Weitzman, Ph.D.
The problem with money… “The distribution of money within abusive relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s favor, a condition that puts millions of women in affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in divorces cases or custody disputes.” 49 Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark, Oxford University Press, 2007
Challenges… • Often he controls all their finances • Often he hides assets • He has the resources to use the legal system and high-powered attorneys to continue his control over her: • by draining her finances, dragging her back to court, • by character assassination, • by reaching an unfair settlement, • by gaining custody of the 50 children Charlie Sheen “winning” with his twins
Challenges… • He has enough power, control, influence, and money to thwart her attempts to escape or hunt her down and take revenge if she does manage to escape 5/10/12: Businessman Paul Garcia (bought Mtn Charley’s from Achilli) was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole for the Los Gatos murder-for-hire slaying of Mark Achiili. Garcia hired a hitman for $9,500 to murder Achilli, jealous that the woman he was in love with preferred Achilli over him. 51
Special challenges in our hi-tech area: • Technical expertise makes it possible to monitor his partner’s physical location and internet and phone activity without her knowledge Smartphone Surveillance GPS tracking device Hidden camera-------
Computer Monitoring • 
PC Spy & Monitoring Software

SpyAgent can log all keystrokes typed, websites visited, windows viewed, applications run, internet connections made, passwords entered, documents printed, AIM/AOL/ICQ/Yahoo/MSN conversations made, documents opened, emails sent/received, and even capture screenshots of the computer in action • “SpyAgent has a built in remote email delivery feature and can be installed remotely in complete stealth!” (so he gets copies of all her emails)
Challenges--2 • Financial • Even if she lives in an upscale neighborhood, even if she has her own career, her husband may still control all the finances • She may not have the means to hire a good lawyer if her husband controls all the finances • She may wonder how she will cover her living expenses until the settlement • Her husband may be hiding assets. She will need a skilled forensic accountant • If TRO results in job loss, she will lose financial security, possibly her home
Challenges--3 Parenting/Schooling • Will her children be forced to change schools and get a lower quality education? • Will they have to leave their friends and make the transition to a new school, lower neighborhood? • What emotional toll will a high-conflict divorce take on them? • If she is forced to share custody, will he try to turn them against her? • Will she have to send them to a residential school so they can heal emotionally, unlearn negative, abusive behaviors, and learn what a functional family structure looks like?
Challenges--4 • Community • Lack of social programs and resources to address specific issues of women with powerful, wealthy abusive partners • Personal • The shame and social stigma associated with DV in the “upper classes” • Where does she run to if she leaves? • Fear of losing friends and place in society • Her character will come under attack, she will be accused of: • doing things she has never done • being crazy • alienating the children from him • being an unfit mother, no matter how competent and devoted she may be
Challenges--5 • Legal • Prolonged court battles to “win” and to deplete her financial and emotional resources • Restraining order filed against her as revenge • Emergency screening as punishment, attempt to win children • Stonewalling over documents • Court/Judge being won over by the charm and outward trappings of success of the abuser (Jekyll and Hyde)
Two-faced… • It is incorrect to imply that “normal” or successful people aren’t typical perpetrators of domestic violence. • In fact domestic abusers often present two images: skillful in social and business settings but controlling and obsessive in intimate relationships Family Court Judge Chuck Weller, Reno, Nevada
The damage they do… • Abusers become particularly shameless during a divorce. • They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. [Vital not to tell her husband anything in advance—announcing her plans can put her life, her finances and custody of her children, in jeopardy]. • They lie about their net worth so they don't have to part with alimony or child support.  Some abusers abandon their families and start new lives with more attractive, adoring, and compliant partners.  Leaving the previous spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them. 59 Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D Charlie Sheen with his two “goddesses”
Another Challenge: Finding a lawyer with experience in the field of domestic violence • “Lawyers should not be seduced into thinking that because their clients drive expensive cars and live within prominent zip codes that they are immune to or can successfully extricate themselves from intimate partner violence.” • “In reality, when economically privileged women are abused, [their wealth can] make it more difficult for them to manage or escape from the abuse.” Kara Bellew, Silent Suffering: Understanding Domestic Violence in Affluent 60 Communities, Women’s Rights Law Reporter, Winter, 2005
When the affluent woman tries to leave… “The distribution of money within abusive relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s favor, a condition that puts millions of women in affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in divorces cases or custody disputes.” 61 Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark, Oxford University Press, 2007
Homelessness • In 2005, 50% of U.S. cities surveyed reported that domestic violence was a primary cause of local homelessness. • Between 22% and 57% of homeless women report that domestic violence is the immediate cause of their homelessness. The National Law Center on Homelessness & Poverty 
1411 K Street NW, Suite 1400
Washington, DC 20005
Challenges • Finding a lawyer experienced in all forms of domestic violence and especially emotional abuse • Gathering courage to fire a lawyer when it becomes clear that she is not being well represented • Finding a law firm (versus an individual) • Finding a support team (forensic accountant, expert witness, court psychologist, financial planner, estate lawyer)
Challenges--7 • Psychological  The terror of facing a powerful, influential, wealthy man who has a solid reputation in the community, a reputation that his wife has just attacked.  Her abusive partner will be feeling betrayed, will be out for vengeance.  Many women describe their husbands as “declaring war on them”, vowing to “destroy” or “ruin” them.
Strategies • What doesn’t work:  Batterers’ intervention programs: 5% effective  Court ordered anger management classes: 0% effective Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe, Next Door Domestic Violence Advocates
Batterers intervention Programs • Courts often mandate that convicted abusive partners attend batterer intervention programs in addition to serving a probation term. • National Institute of Justice (NIJ) researchers have evaluated the most common batterer intervention programs. • Most findings show that these programs do not change batterers' attitudes toward women or domestic violence, and that they have little to no impact on reoffending. http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/intimate-partner-violence/interventions/batterer-intervention.htm
*Family Therapy… Anger management is NOT RECOMMENDED—not a self-control issue. It’s a control issue. If someone comes to the door in the middle of an domestic violence incident, the abuse stops instantly and the public face re-appears. Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe, Next Door Domestic Violence Advocates 67
Marriage counseling— not recommended! • Marriage counseling/family therapy is NOT recommended when there is an abusive partner • Abuser will display his public image, not his true self; no truth= no healing • Abuser will make his spouse pay later for any incriminating remarks—can actually end up making the situation worse • She will be afraid to speak the truth • Abuser will take what he learns and use it to manipulate and further dominate and control his spouse • For counseling to work, client must be willing to consider the role he plays in any dysfunction—the abuser tends to blame others rather than examine himself
While the “woman of means” may look like she’s on top of the world… 69
And from afar… …it may look like an idyllic life 70
Up close, if she is a victim of domestic violence… She starts to look less like a princess and more like a prisoner... Rapunzel 71
…a prisoner of war  Isolated  Brainwashed  Beaten down  Stripped of her self- esteem, freedom, happiness, property 72
If She Wants to Leave But Doesn’t Know How… • Not knowing what steps to take can be paralyzing • Not knowing which step to take first can be daunting 73
Kaizen… The spirit of kaizen is all about achieving improvement by taking small, comfortable steps instead of drastic, rigorous changes. She can start anywhere and work on one small task at a time from any of the six steps—in any order. 74
The journey of a thousand miles… Each day she can ask: “How can I take a step so small that it is impossible to fail?” By making the steps as tiny as possible, she guarantees small successes she can build on and gain momentum:  one call to a lawyer  one visit to a support group  one confidential conversation with a friend Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom. Based on One Small Step Can Change Your Life: Robert 75 The Great WWII Escape Tunnel out of a Maurer, Ph.D. UCLA psychologist German Prison Camp
Six things to say to a DV Victim • I am afraid for your safety • I am afraid for your children’s safety • I am afraid it will only get worse • You are not alone: I am here to help you or I can find someone who can help • You don’t deserve to be abused; no one deserves to be abused • It is not your fault Family Court Judge Weller http://web.mac.com/nevadapress/nevadapress.com/Domestic_violence_guide_files/Cove ring%20Domestic%20Violence-Media%20Guide.pdf
Six Steps to Freedom • There are six types of help and support she will need in order to get out safely and effectively. • Although they are numbered for easy reference, almost all of them can be done in any order and at any time. 77
Individual 1 Educational Counseling 6 2 W. O. M. E. N. Legal Financial 3 5 Vocational 4 It doesn’t matter where she starts. It only matters that she starts— 78 when she is ready.
1 Mapping the Route Individual to Freedom… Self-Care Evidence Property Security Housing Safety Plan 79
Individual Housing Movers Shelters Hotels Apartments 80
Individual Security Safety Plan Safe At Home Alarm System Body Guard Cell Phone Red Flags Self Defense Classes 81
Safety First!!* Security A woman’s safety is at increased risk: When she is pregnant When she tells her husband she is leaving After she leaves and for the first two years, although there may always be some risk even after that Returning to her husband after leaving—most women return between 7-12 times before leaving for good, even though each time the abuse gets worse 82
Safety First!!* Safety Planning She can talk to a counselor about:  Important papers (birth certificate, social security card, wedding certificate, driver’s license, etc)  Insurance cards,  Photo albums  Photos (of bruises)  Journals  Clothes  Extra set of car keys  Medication  School records, vaccination records  Address book  Cell phone  Credit card  Cash  Where to go if you have to leave quickly  How to leave as safely as possible  What to do if you are followed 83  Changing the locks
Safety First!!* Safety (cont’d) Even if her lease says she cannot have the locks changed, if she has a restraining order, that order trumps the lease. After notifying the landlord, she may change the locks to protect herself from her abuser. If her abuser creates a false Face Book page, impersonating her, and discloses personal information about her that compromises her safety, her batterer will be held liable. It is a felony to take the phone out of the hand of someone attempting to dial 9-1-1. Detective Susan Anderson, Personal Interview 8/11/2011
Safety First!!* Warning! In this high tech area, women with smart phones (and GPS features) can be traced so that their abusers can know where they are at any given moment Software for phones and computers can give the abuser detailed information about who she is talking to and what she is saying, what websites she has visited, and what she says in her emails Hidden cameras in the home can spy on her Research is best done at a trusted friend’s or at the library Detective Susan Anderson, Personal Interview 8/11/2011
Safety First!!* Safe at Home  Safe at Home participants can use a free P.O. Box instead of their home address to help them maintain Debra Bowen their privacy when Secretary of State  receiving first-class mail,  opening a bank account,  completing a confidential name change,  filling out government documents,  registering to vote,  getting a driver’s license,  enrolling a child in school, and more. 86
Individual Property Furniture Personal items Photos Living Expenses Photocopy legal docs (IRS returns, bank statements, investments) 87
Individual Evidence Photos* Voice Recordings Neighbors Witnesses Journal (with dates!) * An abused woman should be sure to include her face in the photo if there are bruises, so there is no mistaking her identity as the victim. 88 Detective Susan Anderson, interview, 8/11/11
Personal Self-Care Diet Exercise Friends Journal Meditation Self-defense Affirmations Spiritual practice Activities 89
2 Mapping the Route Counseling to Freedom… Private Community School Social Personal Self- Esteem 90
Counseling Personal Individual therapy to build her self- esteem, help her develop language around the emotional and verbal abuse, recognize red flags, begin to plan her escape strategy 91
Counseling Personal 5-minute trick: just spend five minutes at a time on her plans if that’s all the emotional energy she has Meditation Spiritual Practice 92
Therapeutic Personal Affirmations Self-talk 93
Counseling Social Friends Exercise Support System Activity 94
Counseling School STAFF: Psychologist Guidance counselor Principal Registrar Teachers 95
Counseling School Staff Domestic violence takes a huge toll on children’s emotional health and their academic performance may suffer as a result. Children need extra support and understanding at school. School staff should be made aware of their home situation. If the school has a psychologist he/she can offer support and recommend resources. The Registrar should get a copy of the TRO if there is one, along with a picture of the abuser so they can quickly identify him and tell him to leave. 96
Counseling Community Support Groups Hotline Individual Sliding Scale Family Sliding Scale Child Sliding Scale Remember:  Mandated reporting  Checking with Supervisors 97
Counseling Hotline This is a free service, completely confidential, and as anonymous as she wants it to be. There are several hotline numbers to call 24 hours a day: SNBW: 1-800-572-2782; Next Door: 1-408-279-2962; CORA: 800-300-080/650-312-8515 She never needs to feel alone. Whenever she is frightened, depressed, lonely, needing someone to talk to who understands, she can reach out to them. They understand exactly what she’s going through and can help guide her in the right direction. If she ever feels she is in immediate danger, she should call 911! She should have her safety plan 98 ready. A counselor can help her prepare it.
Counseling Private Family Therapy Child Therapist Social Worker Relationship Coach Divorce Coach Personal Therapist 99
3 Mapping the Route Legal to Freedom… Community County City Private Personal Lawyer 100
T.R.O. Legal  A Temporary Restraining Order keeps the abuser away from the woman and her children—for her own personal safety and to keep him from trying to manipulate her back into the relationship.  Her lawyer or legal advocate can help prepare it.  She will be more likely to get one with their help. But she can do it herself: To get the court forms and help in completing and filing these forms, she can visit the Santa Brooke Mueller Gets TRO against Charlie Sheen Clara County Superior Court's Restraining Order Help Center, located in the basement of the Family Court building at 170 Park Center Plaza, San Jose, California 95113. This office is open Monday through Friday, from 8:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., and assists people on a first come, first served basis. 101
Legal Personal Discreetly, she can ask friends about lawyer referrals, resources Legal Advocate (SNBW, Next Door) to support her in court Save and file every important document—she will collect thousands of pages over the next year. She must be able to retrieve them if asked. Get banker boxes and file folders. Now is the time to get organized! Her counselor can help here too. Photocopy legal docs or take originals:  Birth certificates  Marriage certificate  Social security cards  Income Tax Return  Passports  Rental contract or Deed to Property 102
Legal Private Lawyers Forensic Accountant Mediation/JAMS Expert Witness Psych Testing Court Coach 103
Legal Lawyers A team versus an individual offers: Full service Backup in case of illness, maternity leave, or transfer Safety in numbers! If she does choose an individual, she should have a backup in mind for smoother transition, if necessary She should show her attorney who she is (resumes, diplomas, awards, etc.) Make them believe in her, so they are well-armed to defend her character—because it’s about to 104 come under attack.
Legal Know the enemy… Many abusers have narcissistic traits. It is important that the lawyer understands the narcissistic personality disorder.” Linda Martinez-Lewi , Ph.D., Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Legal Lawyers When she interviews an attorney, even if only once, her partner can’t hire him Some lawyers don’t charge for the initial consultation. She may want to interview several to find the right fit. Her partner may use interviewing multiple lawyers as an unethical tactic to narrow her choices—another reason not to tell him she is getting a divorce before having “all her ducks in a row”. 106
Legal City Support Networks (SNBW through YWCA, Community Solutions, Next Door: all in San Jose) Local Police Detectives Judges City Hall (for Copy of Deed) 107
Legal Local Police If a woman from another culture calls the police on a domestic violence call, they will get a translator for the victim so that she does not have to rely on her husband’s or other family member’s ‘translation”. In fact police are NOT allowed to use family members for translation. Once an arrest is made, it is out of the woman’s hands, and the matter becomes a matter of the state versus the defendant.
Legal County County Courthouse (for copy of grant deed) Judges Emergency Screeners Victim Witness Assistant District Attorney District Attorney Pro Bono Lawyers SOC (Settlement Officer Conference) 109
Legal District Attorney If she is fleeing domestic violence with her children, she should call the District Attorney’s Child Abduction Unit to file a “Good Cause” report as soon as she leaves, so the authorities know she is fleeing domestic violence, and her husband can’t accuse her of kidnapping them. She can make a “Good Cause” report by calling: (408) 792-2921. 110
4 Mapping the Route Financial to Freedom… Settlement Income Tax Financial Planning Estate Planning Personal Cash 111
4 Personal Financial Quietly, carefully, without telling her abuser, she can take care of the following: Bank accounts:  copy account numbers  set up her own in a different bank—and keep it secret!  Get advice from her lawyer about how to access joint funds and make sure she can meet her legal, financial, and personal needs. Have enough for money for:  Retainers  Moving  Living expenses  Rent  Counseling—personal and for children  The Unexpected Get a credit card in her name 112
4 Financial Estate Planning Attorney or Financial Planner to help: Draw up a Will Set up a Trust (to avoid probate) 113
4 Financial Financial Planning Help with investing funds: Bank Brokerage Independent Portfolio Manager Budgeting 114
4 Financial Income Tax Accountant 115
4 Financial Settlement Forensic Accountant Family Law Attorney Judge: Private (JAMS)* Court (SOC) “Shuttle diplomacy”* with JAMS 116
Financial All community property is half hers It is crucial to have a good lawyer in order to get a fair settlement. California is a community property state. In spite of what her abuser may have told her, it is NOT all his money. She helped her partner earn it by providing her own supportive services and she is entitled by California law to half of all community property. 117
5 Mapping the Route Vocational Vocational to Freedom… College Job Search Personal Resume 118
5 Vocational Personal Certificates Diplomas Resumes Laptop Volunteer history Cell Phone 119
5 Vocational Vocational Job Search Employment Agency Adult Education Interview Skills Job Training 120
5 Vocational College/University Grants Loans FAFSA* * to apply for student loans: http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/ 121
6 Mapping the Route Educational to Freedom… Educational Public Consultants Schools Private Schools Tutors School 122
6 Educational Tutors Individual Tutors* Tutoring Centers— not accredited Tutoring Centers--accredited 123
Educational Individual Tutors Divorce takes a tremendous toll on children Divorce where there is abuse involved takes an even greater toll Children are often called the “hidden victims” of divorce Even “A” students may need extra academic support at this time to help focus, organize, complete assignments 124
6 Local Private Schools Educational Girls Boys Co-ed 125
6 Educational Public Schools To catch up on credits: Summer School Adult Education Community College* *High school students can earn double credit for taking college classes 126
6 Educational Educational Consultants Educational consultants can offer a  Residential Treatment gamut of services, ranging from Center helping students choose an  Therapeutic Boarding appropriate school or college, to School special needs consulting.  Private Boarding School  Special Needs Programs 127
With………….………………….……… moves… these six steps she ……. Aligning herself with powerful allies FROM: Connection, Support Group Re-victimization Saving her children Isolation Damaging her Positive Self-Talk children Escape Plan/ “Exit Strategy” Criticism, Shame 128 Confinement
Secret Savings FROM: Confiding in friends, allies Financial hardship Discovering her own power Sworn to secrecy Taking back control of her His power life, her future Survivor His control over her life, her present 129 Victim
The Good News There is a way out for every woman struggling to escape from domestic violence W.O.M.E.N.~SV and other support networks can help find it Every call, every visit is confidential She doesn’t even have to give her name She must leave on her own terms when she is ready 130
• Of all the things he has taken from her, including perhaps the best years of her life, her past, her present, there’s one thing her abuser can never rob her of: her future. 131
W.O.M.E.N., Silicon Valley The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom 132
When She is Ready-- Or For Future Reference… Directory of Names and phone numbers of resources The DV DIRECTORY 133
Acknowledgements: Rolanda Pierre Dixon, Esq., Assistant District Attorney, Santa Clara County, Chair of Santa Clara county Domestic Violence Council Maureen Lowell, LMFT, Vice Chair, Domestic Violence Council Julie Saffren, Esq., Santa Clara University Professor Indira Chakravorty, Signe Correa, Domestic Violence Advocates Paul Marcille, Ph.D., Therapist, Past President of Santa Clara County Psychological Association, Palo Alto University Professor Richard Ferry, M.S., LMFT, Expert Witness in Domestic Violence Miriam Bodin, MA; Jennie Heckman, Ph.D., Educational Consultants Edith Collin, MFT, Martha Cravens, Ph.D., Therapists Adriana Caldera, Domestic Violence Program Director, YWCA 134 Susan Anderson, Los Altos Police Detective
Women-of-Means Escape Network~ Silicon Valley W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s Resources mission:  Personal  We support and empower all women in  Therapeutic their struggle to free themselves from  Legal domestic violence  Financial  We address the unique challenges of  Vocational professional and upper- income women through  Educational a network of resources Website: www.losaltoscf.org/womensv Email: womensv@losaltoscf.org Phone: 650-996-2200 135
We are here to: Resources  support and empower  Personal women in their struggle to free themselves from  Therapeutic domestic violence  Legal  To address the unique challenges of  Financial professional and upper- income women through  Vocational a network of resources  Educational W.O.M.E.N., SV is a non-profit program partnered with Los Altos Community Foundation 136
Advice from a prominent Silicon Valley attorney to women planning their escape… • You married an abuser. Now that you’re getting a divorce, he’s going to become even more of an abuser. • Be prepared. 137
If there’s an abuser involved… another get a divorce!

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Chac talk 2.0

  • 1.
    Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities OMEN F EANS SCAPE ETWORK, ilicon alley
  • 2.
    Women-of-Means Escape Network~ Silicon Valley W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s Resources mission:  Personal  We support and empower all women in  Therapeutic their struggle to free themselves from  Legal domestic violence  Financial  We address the unique challenges of  Vocational professional and upper- income women through  Educational a network of resources Website: www.losaltoscf.org/womensv Email: womensv@losaltoscf.org Phone: 650-996-2200 2
  • 3.
    WOMEN~SV is anofficial program of: Los Altos Community Foundation
  • 4.
    Domestic violence defined A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person.  Includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, t errorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound someone. U.S. Department of Justice4
  • 5.
    A pregnant woman’shighest risk factor: • her partner “A pregnant or recently pregnant woman is more likely to be a victim of homicide than to die of any other cause." Journal of the American Medical Association, 2001
  • 6.
    The hidden epidemic… 1 in 4 women is a victim of severe physical violence in her lifetime (CDC)  According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 85-95 percent of reported spousal assaults are committed by men against women Office of the District Attorney, Family Violence Division, 70 West Hedding Street Santa Clara County 6 San Jose, CA 95110
  • 7.
    The Invisible Epidemic •“The prevalence is very high in educated, employed U.S . women”1 • “Intimate partner violence is a problem for the entire population, not just certain subgroups .”2 • Domestic violence cuts across all socioeconomic groups3 1,2 Robert S. Thompson, M.D., of the Group Health Center for Health Studies, June 2006 issue, American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 3 Phil Hammer, esq.
  • 8.
    Even in “nice” neighborhoods… There is a general perception that: • domestic violence doesn’t happen in affluent classes. • even if it does occur occasionally, the affluent woman has all the resources she needs to deal with it. Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., 20018
  • 9.
    In upscale Marinand Sonoma Counties… • "I represent an affluent district, but when I worked to form my county's first battered-women's shelter, some nights there were no beds left.” • “Violence against women crosses all economic lines.” -- Representative Lynn Woolsey of California 9
  • 10.
    16 DV Deathsin 2011 • Last year, in Santa Clara County, the number of domestic- violence-related deaths in Santa Clara County tripled from 5 (in 2010) to 16.1 • Most of these deaths occurred in more affluent areas.2 • On average, over one murder per month 1 Santa Clara County Public Health Dept 2 Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director, Next Door Solutions to Community Violence.Personal Interview, 10-3-2011
  • 11.
    In Los Gatos… •“The Daous' affluent lifestyle with multiple homes and luxury cars may have seemed storybook to outsiders.” • “Court records reveal a long series of domestic abuse and threats.”  Carmen Daou in her restraining order: "I can no longer live with the fear that my husband will physically abuse and possibly kill me.”  She was also afraid he would use their children to punish her. Three weeks later her husband shot himself and their son. Los Gatos Weekly Times, Sean Webly, 8/5/2011
  • 12.
    High Crime Area? •The most frequently reported crime in Los Gatos in 2009 was… • Domestic Violence Captain Alana Forrest, Los Gatos Police Department, 2009 12
  • 13.
    In Palo Alto… Palo Alto Man Arrested for Attempted Murder of Wife August 24, 2011 A 48-year-old Palo Alto man was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder after he stabbed his wife in south Palo Alto. www. Paloaltopatch. com
  • 14.
    In Los Altos, Los Altos Hills… • 11 per cent of all calls to police are domestic- violence related.
  • 15.
    The more educatedthe abuser, the more subtle the threat can be… But just as terrifying…  A Silicon Valley lawyer said to his client during her divorce: “Your husband is a doctor. Why don’t you want me to press harder to get a better settlement?”  She said because her husband had told her: “Do you know there are at least forty ways to kill a woman and make it look like she died of natural causes?” 15
  • 16.
    Domestic violence includes… …themore obvious kinds of intimate partner violence:  Physical  Sexual
  • 17.
    It also includesthese other forms of abuse… • Overt adultery Arnold S. and mistress • Spiritual • Financial • Homophobic • Immigration • Elder • Teen • Child Now refusing to pay spousal support to Maria 1 United States Department of Justice, http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm 17 District Attorney of Santa Clara County, 2011
  • 18.
    One more typeof abuse: Legal • “The family law practitioner has particular responsibilities in this arena. When a couple divorces, the legal system may become a symbolic battleground on which the male batterer continues his abuse." Kara Bellew, Silent Suffering: Understanding Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities, Women’s Rights Law Reporter, Winter, 2005 And this happens across the board, no matter how rich or poor the woman is. 18 Rolanda Pierre-Dixon, Assistant District, Santa Clara County
  • 19.
    The main formof abuse in affluent communities is… Emotional:  constant criticism  threats  diminishing her abilities  name-calling  Damaging her relationship with her children • the most harmful form of abuse. • The emotional scars from this kind of abuse can last a lifetime.
  • 20.
    How Can YouRecognize Emotional Abuse? An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you don't have time to think about what's right and what's wrong in their behavior. Is it abuse? Ask yourself:  Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?  Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, call you names, swear at you, or undermine your self-esteem?  Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?  Do you feel that nothing you do is ever good enough? 20
  • 21.
     Does yourpartner isolate you from friends, family or groups?  Does your partner limit or undermine your access to work, money or material resources?  Does your partner give you the cold shoulder, stonewall, or make angry, threatening gestures?  Is your relationship “bi-polar”, swinging back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close? 21
  • 22.
     Have youever felt obligated to have sex, just to avoid an argument about it?  Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?  Has your partner ever thrown away your belongings, smashed things in front of you, or threatened pets?  Are you afraid of your partner? Do you find yourself “walking on eggshells” to avoid “setting him off”? 22
  • 23.
    A pattern emerges. A cycle… Except, according to Susan Weitzman, Ph.D, affluent men tend to skip the 23 apologies.
  • 24.
    … as thecycle becomes a downward spiral The cycle of domestic violence model has evolved into a tightly coiled spring with: • the intervals between attacks growing shorter • the attacks, as well as becoming more frequent, becoming more intense over time • spiraling downward and ending in either death or subjugation for the woman where she is • utterly defeated from “learned helplessness”, her spirit crushed • with no hope of ever breaking free. 24
  • 25.
    The downward spiral… 25 Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence; Web: www.apiahf.org/apidvinstitute
  • 26.
    What’s it allabout? Power and Control C O P N O T W R E O R L 26
  • 27.
    Civil Rights/Human Rights Violation • What is taken from her is the capacity for independent decision making that differentiates adults from children and free citizens from indentured servants. Coercive Control by Evan Stark, 2007 27
  • 28.
    A pattern of“coercive control” Tactics used to gain control over her: • Violence (slamming his fist into a wall) • Intimidation (towering over her) • Isolation • Degradation • Barring access to resources • Undermining her autonomy • Micromanaging and invading her personal space Coercive Control: how men entrap women in 28 personal life by Evan Stark, 2007
  • 29.
    • Inducing exhaustion(waking her up in the middle of the night for trivial reasons) • Occasional indulgences • Threats • Demonstrating omnipotence • Degradation • Enforcing trivial demands Ohio Domestic Violence Network Information is Power sourcebook— www.odvn.org—developed from Biderman’s Chart of Coercion in Amnesty International (1975) report on torture 29
  • 30.
    “Death by athousand cuts.” These tactics are ongoing and cumulative. They wear her down over time, corrode her self-esteem, her sense of self, wholeness, and independence. They are the same kind of tactics used to wear down prisoners of war. Coercive Control by Evan Stark, 2007
  • 31.
    Strongest statement yeton effects of abuse on children • Child maltreatment appears to be the single most preventable cause of mental illness and behavioral dysfunction in the United States www.pubmed.gov Neurodevelopmental biology associated with childhood sexual abuse J Child SexAbuse. 2011 sep; 20(5): 548-87. PMID: 21970646
  • 32.
    The damage tochildren • The emotional stress of exposure to domestic violence can harm the development of the brain and impair cognitive and sensory growth in infants and toddlers • Children exposed to domestic violence have more health problems, poorer school performance, and more behavioral disturbances than children not exposed to domestic violence Nearly 2/3 of all homicides committed by young men under age 20 are sons killing the man who has beaten their mother. http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/Children.pdf
  • 33.
    Another cycle ofviolence Abusive Father Adult Child as Victim or Abuser Child Witness 1 of every 3 abused children grows up to become an abuser or victim http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/facts.htm 33
  • 34.
    And when theygrow up… • Childhood traumatic stress increases the likelihood of hospitalization with a diagnosed autoimmune disease decades into adulthood. • Higher risk for tobacco use, substance abuse, unintended pregnancy, obesity, cancer, heart disease, stroke, PTSD Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
  • 35.
    Why doesn’t shespeak up? Why doesn’t she leave? • One of the hallmarks of the violence experienced by affluent women is the great pains to which they will go to hide it. • Sometimes even from herself • Her inner life has been very much at odds with her outer. Her place in “privileged” society has not saved her from losing freedom, respect, peace, and safety. All that is about to become Rihanna after Chris Brown’s attack very public. 35 Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., 2001
  • 36.
    Affluent abusers oftencontrol the finances and have more resources at their disposal to: • Thwart the woman’s escape • Reach an unfair settlement • Take custody of the children • Find her when she escapes • Use the legal system and high-powered attorneys to continue the abuse 36
  • 37.
    What legal help/protectiondoes she have?  Restraining orders can help keep her safe; but they can also trigger retribution; how can she be sure which it will be in her case?  Batterers’ intervention programs: 5% effective  Court ordered anger management classes: 0% effective Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe, Next Door Domestic Violence Advocates  46% of homicides and 56% of rapes go unsolved every year in our state. California Senator, Loni Hancock CA Senator, Loni Hancock
  • 38.
    Why doesn’t shespeak up? Why doesn’t she leave? Many reasons:  She thinks if she hasn’t been beaten, it may not be abuse  She can’t bring herself to believe her husband has a dark side, different from what he presents to the world Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan 38 Weitzman, Ph.D., 2001
  • 39.
    She stays because… •Many women fear losing custody or having joint custody with the abuser. What would happen if they weren't present to protect the children? • They may be influenced by family, religious, or personal beliefs to stay in their marriages. • Some believe a bad father is better than no father. • Many women feel isolated and ashamed of their situation. Asking for help or leaving would mean revealing their secret of spousal abuse. Deborah King, attorney, author of bestseller Truth Heals: What You Hide Can Hurt You (Hay 39 House, 2009, Web: http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/resources/advice/domestic-violence/)
  • 40.
    She stays because… • There are periods of calm (the "honeymoon" phase of the domestic violence cycle) that lead women to hope the abuse is over. • And maybe if she tries just a little bit harder, things will get better… Deborah King, attorney, author of bestseller Truth Heals: What You Hide Can Hurt You (Hay House, 2009, Web: http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/resources/advice/domestic-violence/) • And she may not feel complete if she’s not married. Rolanda Pierre-Dixon, personal interview, 7/22/11 40
  • 41.
    She stays because… •She may still love him • She may have grown up in a chaotic, abusive home and may see her abuser’s behavior as “normal”. Jessica Lisi, LCSW, personal interview 8/19/2011 • If she comes from a less privileged background, she may come to accept the abuse as the price she must pay for having moved up into this more “privileged” lifestyle Paul Marcille, Ph.D., personal interview 8/23/2011
  • 42.
    Sometimes, even with evidence, they don’t believe her… • "People see the image, and they don't think that these people have a mean, ugly, abusive side." • “Simpson”, says Nicole's friend since high school, Eve Chen, "had a great sense of humor and wonderful charm. It was easy to think, 'Oh, pffff, he can't be doing her any harm.' " 42 Joan Farr, director of Metro-Dade Family and Victim Services in Miami
  • 43.
    Why else doesshe stay? Fear: What is she afraid of? • Losing her children, her reputation, her home, her social standing, her lifestyle, her life savings • Being stalked, harassed, bullie d, injured, killed • If she files a restraining order against him, it may cost her abuser his job and there goes all the support she was needing. 43
  • 44.
    What is sheafraid of? • 90 per cent of women who are killed by their intimate partner are killed AFTER they leave.
  • 45.
    What keeps herfrom getting help?  Like Michael Corleone’s wife in The Godfather, she is taught never to talk to any “outsiders” about the family.  How can she compare her story to anyone else’s or get support if she can never tell anyone?  Very convenient for an abuser. 45
  • 46.
    Further Isolation… • “Mostpeople don’t feel sympathy for a woman with financial resources” • “…there are no structures in the culture supporting the fact that domestic violence happens to ‘people like us’” • “The upscale, abused woman feels internal, peer-group, and societal pressure to maintain an external image at odds with how she feels inside” 46
  • 47.
    What is HeThinking? The “man-of means” abuser often: • Feels entitled • Maintains the abuse is always her fault Sheriff Mirkarimi and his wife • Thinks what happens in the home stays in the home • Does not believe in community property  He believes everything belongs to him— including her. 47
  • 48.
  • 49.
    The problem with money… “The distribution of money within abusive relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s favor, a condition that puts millions of women in affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in divorces cases or custody disputes.” 49 Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark, Oxford University Press, 2007
  • 50.
    Challenges… • Often hecontrols all their finances • Often he hides assets • He has the resources to use the legal system and high-powered attorneys to continue his control over her: • by draining her finances, dragging her back to court, • by character assassination, • by reaching an unfair settlement, • by gaining custody of the 50 children Charlie Sheen “winning” with his twins
  • 51.
    Challenges… • He hasenough power, control, influence, and money to thwart her attempts to escape or hunt her down and take revenge if she does manage to escape 5/10/12: Businessman Paul Garcia (bought Mtn Charley’s from Achilli) was sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole for the Los Gatos murder-for-hire slaying of Mark Achiili. Garcia hired a hitman for $9,500 to murder Achilli, jealous that the woman he was in love with preferred Achilli over him. 51
  • 52.
    Special challenges inour hi-tech area: • Technical expertise makes it possible to monitor his partner’s physical location and internet and phone activity without her knowledge Smartphone Surveillance GPS tracking device Hidden camera-------
  • 53.
    Computer Monitoring • 
PCSpy & Monitoring Software

SpyAgent can log all keystrokes typed, websites visited, windows viewed, applications run, internet connections made, passwords entered, documents printed, AIM/AOL/ICQ/Yahoo/MSN conversations made, documents opened, emails sent/received, and even capture screenshots of the computer in action • “SpyAgent has a built in remote email delivery feature and can be installed remotely in complete stealth!” (so he gets copies of all her emails)
  • 54.
    Challenges--2 • Financial • Even if she lives in an upscale neighborhood, even if she has her own career, her husband may still control all the finances • She may not have the means to hire a good lawyer if her husband controls all the finances • She may wonder how she will cover her living expenses until the settlement • Her husband may be hiding assets. She will need a skilled forensic accountant • If TRO results in job loss, she will lose financial security, possibly her home
  • 55.
    Challenges--3 Parenting/Schooling • Will herchildren be forced to change schools and get a lower quality education? • Will they have to leave their friends and make the transition to a new school, lower neighborhood? • What emotional toll will a high-conflict divorce take on them? • If she is forced to share custody, will he try to turn them against her? • Will she have to send them to a residential school so they can heal emotionally, unlearn negative, abusive behaviors, and learn what a functional family structure looks like?
  • 56.
    Challenges--4 • Community • Lack of social programs and resources to address specific issues of women with powerful, wealthy abusive partners • Personal • The shame and social stigma associated with DV in the “upper classes” • Where does she run to if she leaves? • Fear of losing friends and place in society • Her character will come under attack, she will be accused of: • doing things she has never done • being crazy • alienating the children from him • being an unfit mother, no matter how competent and devoted she may be
  • 57.
    Challenges--5 • Legal • Prolonged court battles to “win” and to deplete her financial and emotional resources • Restraining order filed against her as revenge • Emergency screening as punishment, attempt to win children • Stonewalling over documents • Court/Judge being won over by the charm and outward trappings of success of the abuser (Jekyll and Hyde)
  • 58.
    Two-faced… • It isincorrect to imply that “normal” or successful people aren’t typical perpetrators of domestic violence. • In fact domestic abusers often present two images: skillful in social and business settings but controlling and obsessive in intimate relationships Family Court Judge Chuck Weller, Reno, Nevada
  • 59.
    The damage theydo… • Abusers become particularly shameless during a divorce. • They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. [Vital not to tell her husband anything in advance—announcing her plans can put her life, her finances and custody of her children, in jeopardy]. • They lie about their net worth so they don't have to part with alimony or child support.  Some abusers abandon their families and start new lives with more attractive, adoring, and compliant partners.  Leaving the previous spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them. 59 Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D Charlie Sheen with his two “goddesses”
  • 60.
    Another Challenge: Finding a lawyer with experience in the field of domestic violence • “Lawyers should not be seduced into thinking that because their clients drive expensive cars and live within prominent zip codes that they are immune to or can successfully extricate themselves from intimate partner violence.” • “In reality, when economically privileged women are abused, [their wealth can] make it more difficult for them to manage or escape from the abuse.” Kara Bellew, Silent Suffering: Understanding Domestic Violence in Affluent 60 Communities, Women’s Rights Law Reporter, Winter, 2005
  • 61.
    When the affluentwoman tries to leave… “The distribution of money within abusive relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s favor, a condition that puts millions of women in affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in divorces cases or custody disputes.” 61 Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark, Oxford University Press, 2007
  • 62.
    Homelessness • In 2005,50% of U.S. cities surveyed reported that domestic violence was a primary cause of local homelessness. • Between 22% and 57% of homeless women report that domestic violence is the immediate cause of their homelessness. The National Law Center on Homelessness & Poverty 
1411 K Street NW, Suite 1400
Washington, DC 20005
  • 63.
    Challenges • Finding alawyer experienced in all forms of domestic violence and especially emotional abuse • Gathering courage to fire a lawyer when it becomes clear that she is not being well represented • Finding a law firm (versus an individual) • Finding a support team (forensic accountant, expert witness, court psychologist, financial planner, estate lawyer)
  • 64.
    Challenges--7 • Psychological  The terror of facing a powerful, influential, wealthy man who has a solid reputation in the community, a reputation that his wife has just attacked.  Her abusive partner will be feeling betrayed, will be out for vengeance.  Many women describe their husbands as “declaring war on them”, vowing to “destroy” or “ruin” them.
  • 65.
    Strategies • Whatdoesn’t work:  Batterers’ intervention programs: 5% effective  Court ordered anger management classes: 0% effective Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe, Next Door Domestic Violence Advocates
  • 66.
    Batterers intervention Programs • Courts often mandate that convicted abusive partners attend batterer intervention programs in addition to serving a probation term. • National Institute of Justice (NIJ) researchers have evaluated the most common batterer intervention programs. • Most findings show that these programs do not change batterers' attitudes toward women or domestic violence, and that they have little to no impact on reoffending. http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/intimate-partner-violence/interventions/batterer-intervention.htm
  • 67.
    *Family Therapy… Anger management is NOT RECOMMENDED—not a self-control issue. It’s a control issue. If someone comes to the door in the middle of an domestic violence incident, the abuse stops instantly and the public face re-appears. Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe, Next Door Domestic Violence Advocates 67
  • 68.
    Marriage counseling— not recommended! • Marriage counseling/family therapy is NOT recommended when there is an abusive partner • Abuser will display his public image, not his true self; no truth= no healing • Abuser will make his spouse pay later for any incriminating remarks—can actually end up making the situation worse • She will be afraid to speak the truth • Abuser will take what he learns and use it to manipulate and further dominate and control his spouse • For counseling to work, client must be willing to consider the role he plays in any dysfunction—the abuser tends to blame others rather than examine himself
  • 69.
    While the “womanof means” may look like she’s on top of the world… 69
  • 70.
    And from afar… …itmay look like an idyllic life 70
  • 71.
    Up close, ifshe is a victim of domestic violence… She starts to look less like a princess and more like a prisoner... Rapunzel 71
  • 72.
    …a prisoner ofwar  Isolated  Brainwashed  Beaten down  Stripped of her self- esteem, freedom, happiness, property 72
  • 73.
    If She Wantsto Leave But Doesn’t Know How… • Not knowing what steps to take can be paralyzing • Not knowing which step to take first can be daunting 73
  • 74.
    Kaizen… The spirit of kaizen is all about achieving improvement by taking small, comfortable steps instead of drastic, rigorous changes. She can start anywhere and work on one small task at a time from any of the six steps—in any order. 74
  • 75.
    The journey ofa thousand miles… Each day she can ask: “How can I take a step so small that it is impossible to fail?” By making the steps as tiny as possible, she guarantees small successes she can build on and gain momentum:  one call to a lawyer  one visit to a support group  one confidential conversation with a friend Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom. Based on One Small Step Can Change Your Life: Robert 75 The Great WWII Escape Tunnel out of a Maurer, Ph.D. UCLA psychologist German Prison Camp
  • 76.
    Six things tosay to a DV Victim • I am afraid for your safety • I am afraid for your children’s safety • I am afraid it will only get worse • You are not alone: I am here to help you or I can find someone who can help • You don’t deserve to be abused; no one deserves to be abused • It is not your fault Family Court Judge Weller http://web.mac.com/nevadapress/nevadapress.com/Domestic_violence_guide_files/Cove ring%20Domestic%20Violence-Media%20Guide.pdf
  • 77.
    Six Steps toFreedom • There are six types of help and support she will need in order to get out safely and effectively. • Although they are numbered for easy reference, almost all of them can be done in any order and at any time. 77
  • 78.
    Individual 1 Educational Counseling 6 2 W. O. M. E. N. Legal Financial 3 5 Vocational 4 It doesn’t matter where she starts. It only matters that she starts— 78 when she is ready.
  • 79.
    1 Mapping the Route Individual to Freedom… Self-Care Evidence Property Security Housing Safety Plan 79
  • 80.
    Individual Housing Movers Shelters Hotels Apartments 80
  • 81.
    Individual Security Safety Plan Safe At Home Alarm System Body Guard Cell Phone Red Flags Self Defense Classes 81
  • 82.
    Safety First!!* Security A woman’s safety is at increased risk: When she is pregnant When she tells her husband she is leaving After she leaves and for the first two years, although there may always be some risk even after that Returning to her husband after leaving—most women return between 7-12 times before leaving for good, even though each time the abuse gets worse 82
  • 83.
    Safety First!!* Safety Planning She can talk to a counselor about:  Important papers (birth certificate, social security card, wedding certificate, driver’s license, etc)  Insurance cards,  Photo albums  Photos (of bruises)  Journals  Clothes  Extra set of car keys  Medication  School records, vaccination records  Address book  Cell phone  Credit card  Cash  Where to go if you have to leave quickly  How to leave as safely as possible  What to do if you are followed 83  Changing the locks
  • 84.
    Safety First!!* Safety (cont’d) Even if her lease says she cannot have the locks changed, if she has a restraining order, that order trumps the lease. After notifying the landlord, she may change the locks to protect herself from her abuser. If her abuser creates a false Face Book page, impersonating her, and discloses personal information about her that compromises her safety, her batterer will be held liable. It is a felony to take the phone out of the hand of someone attempting to dial 9-1-1. Detective Susan Anderson, Personal Interview 8/11/2011
  • 85.
    Safety First!!* Warning! In this high tech area, women with smart phones (and GPS features) can be traced so that their abusers can know where they are at any given moment Software for phones and computers can give the abuser detailed information about who she is talking to and what she is saying, what websites she has visited, and what she says in her emails Hidden cameras in the home can spy on her Research is best done at a trusted friend’s or at the library Detective Susan Anderson, Personal Interview 8/11/2011
  • 86.
    Safety First!!* Safe at Home  Safe at Home participants can use a free P.O. Box instead of their home address to help them maintain Debra Bowen their privacy when Secretary of State  receiving first-class mail,  opening a bank account,  completing a confidential name change,  filling out government documents,  registering to vote,  getting a driver’s license,  enrolling a child in school, and more. 86
  • 87.
    Individual Property Furniture Personal items Photos Living Expenses Photocopy legal docs (IRS returns, bank statements, investments) 87
  • 88.
    Individual Evidence Photos* Voice Recordings Neighbors Witnesses Journal (with dates!) * An abused woman should be sure to include her face in the photo if there are bruises, so there is no mistaking her identity as the victim. 88 Detective Susan Anderson, interview, 8/11/11
  • 89.
    Personal Self-Care Diet Exercise Friends Journal Meditation Self-defense Affirmations Spiritual practice Activities 89
  • 90.
    2 Mapping the Route Counseling to Freedom… Private Community School Social Personal Self- Esteem 90
  • 91.
    Counseling Personal Individual therapy to build her self- esteem, help her develop language around the emotional and verbal abuse, recognize red flags, begin to plan her escape strategy 91
  • 92.
    Counseling Personal 5-minute trick: just spend five minutes at a time on her plans if that’s all the emotional energy she has Meditation Spiritual Practice 92
  • 93.
    Therapeutic Personal Affirmations Self-talk 93
  • 94.
    Counseling Social Friends Exercise Support System Activity 94
  • 95.
    Counseling School STAFF: Psychologist Guidance counselor Principal Registrar Teachers 95
  • 96.
    Counseling School Staff Domestic violence takes a huge toll on children’s emotional health and their academic performance may suffer as a result. Children need extra support and understanding at school. School staff should be made aware of their home situation. If the school has a psychologist he/she can offer support and recommend resources. The Registrar should get a copy of the TRO if there is one, along with a picture of the abuser so they can quickly identify him and tell him to leave. 96
  • 97.
    Counseling Community Support Groups Hotline Individual Sliding Scale Family Sliding Scale Child Sliding Scale Remember:  Mandated reporting  Checking with Supervisors 97
  • 98.
    Counseling Hotline This is a free service, completely confidential, and as anonymous as she wants it to be. There are several hotline numbers to call 24 hours a day: SNBW: 1-800-572-2782; Next Door: 1-408-279-2962; CORA: 800-300-080/650-312-8515 She never needs to feel alone. Whenever she is frightened, depressed, lonely, needing someone to talk to who understands, she can reach out to them. They understand exactly what she’s going through and can help guide her in the right direction. If she ever feels she is in immediate danger, she should call 911! She should have her safety plan 98 ready. A counselor can help her prepare it.
  • 99.
    Counseling Private Family Therapy Child Therapist Social Worker Relationship Coach Divorce Coach Personal Therapist 99
  • 100.
    3 Mapping the Route Legal to Freedom… Community County City Private Personal Lawyer 100
  • 101.
    T.R.O. Legal  A Temporary Restraining Order keeps the abuser away from the woman and her children—for her own personal safety and to keep him from trying to manipulate her back into the relationship.  Her lawyer or legal advocate can help prepare it.  She will be more likely to get one with their help. But she can do it herself: To get the court forms and help in completing and filing these forms, she can visit the Santa Brooke Mueller Gets TRO against Charlie Sheen Clara County Superior Court's Restraining Order Help Center, located in the basement of the Family Court building at 170 Park Center Plaza, San Jose, California 95113. This office is open Monday through Friday, from 8:30 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., and assists people on a first come, first served basis. 101
  • 102.
    Legal Personal Discreetly, she can ask friends about lawyer referrals, resources Legal Advocate (SNBW, Next Door) to support her in court Save and file every important document—she will collect thousands of pages over the next year. She must be able to retrieve them if asked. Get banker boxes and file folders. Now is the time to get organized! Her counselor can help here too. Photocopy legal docs or take originals:  Birth certificates  Marriage certificate  Social security cards  Income Tax Return  Passports  Rental contract or Deed to Property 102
  • 103.
    Legal Private Lawyers Forensic Accountant Mediation/JAMS Expert Witness Psych Testing Court Coach 103
  • 104.
    Legal Lawyers A team versus an individual offers: Full service Backup in case of illness, maternity leave, or transfer Safety in numbers! If she does choose an individual, she should have a backup in mind for smoother transition, if necessary She should show her attorney who she is (resumes, diplomas, awards, etc.) Make them believe in her, so they are well-armed to defend her character—because it’s about to 104 come under attack.
  • 105.
    Legal Know the enemy… Many abusers have narcissistic traits. It is important that the lawyer understands the narcissistic personality disorder.” Linda Martinez-Lewi , Ph.D., Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
  • 106.
    Legal Lawyers When she interviews an attorney, even if only once, her partner can’t hire him Some lawyers don’t charge for the initial consultation. She may want to interview several to find the right fit. Her partner may use interviewing multiple lawyers as an unethical tactic to narrow her choices—another reason not to tell him she is getting a divorce before having “all her ducks in a row”. 106
  • 107.
    Legal City Support Networks (SNBW through YWCA, Community Solutions, Next Door: all in San Jose) Local Police Detectives Judges City Hall (for Copy of Deed) 107
  • 108.
    Legal Local Police If a woman from another culture calls the police on a domestic violence call, they will get a translator for the victim so that she does not have to rely on her husband’s or other family member’s ‘translation”. In fact police are NOT allowed to use family members for translation. Once an arrest is made, it is out of the woman’s hands, and the matter becomes a matter of the state versus the defendant.
  • 109.
    Legal County County Courthouse (for copy of grant deed) Judges Emergency Screeners Victim Witness Assistant District Attorney District Attorney Pro Bono Lawyers SOC (Settlement Officer Conference) 109
  • 110.
    Legal District Attorney If she is fleeing domestic violence with her children, she should call the District Attorney’s Child Abduction Unit to file a “Good Cause” report as soon as she leaves, so the authorities know she is fleeing domestic violence, and her husband can’t accuse her of kidnapping them. She can make a “Good Cause” report by calling: (408) 792-2921. 110
  • 111.
    4 Mapping the Route Financial to Freedom… Settlement Income Tax Financial Planning Estate Planning Personal Cash 111
  • 112.
    4 Personal Financial Quietly, carefully, without telling her abuser, she can take care of the following: Bank accounts:  copy account numbers  set up her own in a different bank—and keep it secret!  Get advice from her lawyer about how to access joint funds and make sure she can meet her legal, financial, and personal needs. Have enough for money for:  Retainers  Moving  Living expenses  Rent  Counseling—personal and for children  The Unexpected Get a credit card in her name 112
  • 113.
    4 Financial Estate Planning Attorney or Financial Planner to help: Draw up a Will Set up a Trust (to avoid probate) 113
  • 114.
    4 Financial Financial Planning Help with investing funds: Bank Brokerage Independent Portfolio Manager Budgeting 114
  • 115.
    4 Financial Income Tax Accountant 115
  • 116.
    4 Financial Settlement Forensic Accountant Family Law Attorney Judge: Private (JAMS)* Court (SOC) “Shuttle diplomacy”* with JAMS 116
  • 117.
    Financial All community property is half hers It is crucial to have a good lawyer in order to get a fair settlement. California is a community property state. In spite of what her abuser may have told her, it is NOT all his money. She helped her partner earn it by providing her own supportive services and she is entitled by California law to half of all community property. 117
  • 118.
    5 Mapping the Route Vocational Vocational to Freedom… College Job Search Personal Resume 118
  • 119.
    5 Vocational Personal Certificates Diplomas Resumes Laptop Volunteer history Cell Phone 119
  • 120.
    5 Vocational Vocational Job Search Employment Agency Adult Education Interview Skills Job Training 120
  • 121.
    5 Vocational College/University Grants Loans FAFSA* * to apply for student loans: http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/ 121
  • 122.
    6 Mapping the Route Educational to Freedom… Educational Public Consultants Schools Private Schools Tutors School 122
  • 123.
    6 Educational Tutors Individual Tutors* Tutoring Centers— not accredited Tutoring Centers--accredited 123
  • 124.
    Educational Individual Tutors Divorce takes a tremendous toll on children Divorce where there is abuse involved takes an even greater toll Children are often called the “hidden victims” of divorce Even “A” students may need extra academic support at this time to help focus, organize, complete assignments 124
  • 125.
    6 Local Private Schools Educational Girls Boys Co-ed 125
  • 126.
    6 Educational Public Schools To catch up on credits: Summer School Adult Education Community College* *High school students can earn double credit for taking college classes 126
  • 127.
    6 Educational Educational Consultants Educational consultants can offer a  Residential Treatment gamut of services, ranging from Center helping students choose an  Therapeutic Boarding appropriate school or college, to School special needs consulting.  Private Boarding School  Special Needs Programs 127
  • 128.
    With………….………………….……… moves… these six steps she ……. Aligning herself with powerful allies FROM: Connection, Support Group Re-victimization Saving her children Isolation Damaging her Positive Self-Talk children Escape Plan/ “Exit Strategy” Criticism, Shame 128 Confinement
  • 129.
    Secret Savings FROM: Confiding in friends, allies Financial hardship Discovering her own power Sworn to secrecy Taking back control of her His power life, her future Survivor His control over her life, her present 129 Victim
  • 130.
    The Good News Thereis a way out for every woman struggling to escape from domestic violence W.O.M.E.N.~SV and other support networks can help find it Every call, every visit is confidential She doesn’t even have to give her name She must leave on her own terms when she is ready 130
  • 131.
    • Of allthe things he has taken from her, including perhaps the best years of her life, her past, her present, there’s one thing her abuser can never rob her of: her future. 131
  • 132.
    W.O.M.E.N., Silicon Valley The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom 132
  • 133.
    When She isReady-- Or For Future Reference… Directory of Names and phone numbers of resources The DV DIRECTORY 133
  • 134.
    Acknowledgements: Rolanda Pierre Dixon,Esq., Assistant District Attorney, Santa Clara County, Chair of Santa Clara county Domestic Violence Council Maureen Lowell, LMFT, Vice Chair, Domestic Violence Council Julie Saffren, Esq., Santa Clara University Professor Indira Chakravorty, Signe Correa, Domestic Violence Advocates Paul Marcille, Ph.D., Therapist, Past President of Santa Clara County Psychological Association, Palo Alto University Professor Richard Ferry, M.S., LMFT, Expert Witness in Domestic Violence Miriam Bodin, MA; Jennie Heckman, Ph.D., Educational Consultants Edith Collin, MFT, Martha Cravens, Ph.D., Therapists Adriana Caldera, Domestic Violence Program Director, YWCA 134 Susan Anderson, Los Altos Police Detective
  • 135.
    Women-of-Means Escape Network~ Silicon Valley W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s Resources mission:  Personal  We support and empower all women in  Therapeutic their struggle to free themselves from  Legal domestic violence  Financial  We address the unique challenges of  Vocational professional and upper- income women through  Educational a network of resources Website: www.losaltoscf.org/womensv Email: womensv@losaltoscf.org Phone: 650-996-2200 135
  • 136.
    We are hereto: Resources  support and empower  Personal women in their struggle to free themselves from  Therapeutic domestic violence  Legal  To address the unique challenges of  Financial professional and upper- income women through  Vocational a network of resources  Educational W.O.M.E.N., SV is a non-profit program partnered with Los Altos Community Foundation 136
  • 137.
    Advice from aprominent Silicon Valley attorney to women planning their escape… • You married an abuser. Now that you’re getting a divorce, he’s going to become even more of an abuser. • Be prepared. 137
  • 139.
    If there’s anabuser involved… another get a divorce!

Editor's Notes

  • #2 Good morning. My name is Ruth Patrick. I’m a domestic violence consultant. and I’m here today to talk about domestic violence in affluent communities, I’d like to talk to you today about the special challenges women face in middle to upper income communities when they have an abusive partner who has the money, power, and influence to make it very difficult for them to leave safely, get a fair settlement, and keep custody of their children. I’ll be sharing with you the effect that upscale violence has on women and their children, why they need support, and where they can go to get help when they are ready to leave.
  • #3 Good morning/afternoon. My name is Ruth Patrick. I’m a domestic violence consultant working collaboratively with shelters and women’s support groups in Santa Clara and San Mateo County. I’m here today to talk about domestic violence in affluent communities, the effect it has on women, why they need support, and where they can go to get help when they are ready to leave. This is an underserved population, with its own unique set of challenges because of the power, money, and influence their partners have to make it difficult to:leave safely, get a fair settlement, and maintain custody of their childrenHaving access to the right resources can give women a better chance to leave more safely and effectively and start a new life.
  • #4 First let me introduce the program I run. It’s called Women of Means Escape Network, Silicon Valley or WOMEN~SV for short. Its mission is to raise public awareness about domestic violence, especially as it affects women in middle to upper income neighborhoods, and to connect these women with resources than can help empower them and deal more effectively with the impact that DV has on their lives and on the lives of their children—often called “the hidden victims”.So WOMEN~SV is partnered with two organizations: LACF and
  • #5 Domestic violence is a serious issue, even in our affluent area. Yet even the woman suffering from it may be unclear about what it is, what it includes. What is domestic violence? It’s a PATTERN. Domestic violence is an escalating pattern of abuse where one partner in an intimate relationship controls the other through force, intimidation, or the threat of violence.IT’S SO MUCH MORE THAN HITTING OR SHOVING. DOESN’T EVEN HAVE TO LEAVE BRUISES.
  • #7 Let’s start with where. Where does domestic violence happen? It’s all around us. According to the District Attorney of Santa Clara County:On average, four women in the United States are murdered every day by their male partnerWomen in the U.S. are in nine times more danger in their own homes than they are in the street—safer with a stranger than in their own homeAccording to the U.S. Department of Justice, 95 percent of reported spousal assaults are committed by men against women. About 17 percent of women report experiencing domestic violence during pregnancyOutside of medical complications, homicide was a leading cause of death among pregnant women in the United States between 1991 and 1999.
  • #8 From a study published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine in June 2006: ALMOST HALF OF ALL WOMEN ARE IMPACTED BY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THEIR ADULT LIVES“The prevalence is very high in educated, employed U.S . women with healthcare coverage, Intimate partner violence is a problem for the entire population, not just certain subgroups .” In other words, domestic violence cuts across ALL socio-economic groups, including affluent society. DV cuts across ALL socioeconomic levelsI’m here today to talk about how it affects women in affluet communities in particular
  • #9 But here? And to “people like us?”There is a general perception that:domestic violence doesn’t happen in affluent classes. Or even if it does occur occasionally, the affluent woman has all the resources she needs to deal with it.The women themselves can be in denial about it.
  • #10 It happens in Marin and Sonoma. Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey of California represents Marin and Sonoma counties which are affluent areas. And yet there are nights when their shelters are full. As she says Violence against women crosses all economic lines.
  • #11 AND CLOSER TO HOMESome were cases of murder-suicide with multiple victims. But on average, in our affluent area, there is one domestic violence related death per month.
  • #12 This past summer in Los Gatos, wealthy developer Ed Daou killed his son and himself three weeks after his wife took out a restraining order against him. His wife Carmen had written in her restraining order: "I can no longer live with the fear that my husband will physically abuse and possibly kill me.” Court records revealed a long series of domestic abuse and threats. Carmenwas also afraid he would use their children to punish her. The sheriff called it an act of “bloody revenge”. Just to explain this a little: Kathleen Krenek, (Executive Director of Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence in San Jose) said, “The crime, horrific and shocking as it was, took place because Ed Daou was a batterer who abused his wife and then used their children to further abuse his wife. Fathers [who are batterers] use their own sons to abuse their victims. And fathers kill their own sons to hurt their victims in the most painful way possible.”(Special to the Mercury NewsPosted: 08/11/2011).
  • #13 Even in upscale Los Gatos. In fact the most frequently reported crime in Los Gatos is domestic violence. Domestic violence has become such a concern here that Police Captain Alana Forrest created a special task force to address it.
  • #14 You might recall the palo alto man arrested for trying to kill his wife last summer. According to Palo Alto police, a 48-year-old Palo Alto man was arrested on suspicion of attempted murder after he stabbed his wife in south Palo Alto on Tuesday evening. ….
  • #15 And Los Altos Police Detective Susan Anderson believes the national statistics apply here in our affluent area—roughly one third of calls to police are domestic violence related.A lawyer in Los Altos said to his client during her divorce: “Your husband is a doctor. Why don’t you want me to press harder to get a better settlement?”She said because her husband had told her: “Did you know there are at least forty ways to kill a woman and make it look like she died of natural causes?”
  • #16 Her lawyer turned gray. They settled quickly for a fraction of what she was entitled to.Maybe if she had a lawyer who was not so easily intimidated?Maybe if she’d has a therapist familiar with pTSD and DV?Maybe if she had a skilled advocate to help her plan her her exit? A skilled legal advocate to accompany her to court?
  • #17 What does domestic violence include? There are obvious behaviors:For physical abuse: The man who slaps his wife for coming home late or for “talking back”. It includes any form of hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, denying his partner medical care, or forcing drugs on her.For sexual abuse: Forcing or trying to force any sexual contact or behavior. Includes marital rape. Treating her in a sexually demeaning manner; calling her vulgar names, criticizing body parts, making sex rougher than she feels comfortable with because she fears the consequences of not complying*--( from Rolanda Pierre Dixon, assistant D.A., San Jose).
  • #18 Abuse can also be: Marital: having affairs (and expecting her to just “take it”) Economic Abuse:Making or trying to make her financially dependent by taking total control of her financial resources withholding her access to money, or forbidding her attendance at school or employment, or undermining it. Spiritual: attacking spiritual or religious beliefs. Financial: controlling and manipulating by threatening  economic status and basic needs.Homophobic: threatening to "out" someone to people who do not know that person's sexual orientationImmigration: using immigration status and fear of deportation to control.Destructive: acts actual or threatened assault of property or pets to scareWhen a couple divorces, the legal system may become a symbolic battleground where the male batterer continues his abuse.Examples of legal abuse: Dragging the woman back into court countless times to defend herself against frivolous and made up charges, long drawn out custody battles, restraining orders filed in turn against her as revenge, attempting to assassinate her character, drain her resources, take back the power and control he has lost, and possibly “win” the children in the custody battle, to “punish” her and to avoid paying child support.
  • #19 Why is she afraid to speak up, afraid to leave? What’s ahead of her if she does? The risk of her husband taking the abuse to a whole new level—out into the legal system.Examples of legal abuse: Dragging the woman back into court countless times to defend herself against frivolous and made up charges, long drawn out custody battles, restraining orders filed against her in response as revenge, the purpose being to assassinate her character, drain her resources, take back the power and control he has lost, and possibly “win” the children in the custody battle, to punish her and to avoid paying child support
  • #20 Emotional abuse…is the most harmful form of abuse. And this is because:Scars and bruises from physical abuse may heal, but the psychological damage from emotional abuse can last a lifetime.Scars and bruises heal, but the damage from emotional abuse can last a lifetime.
  • #21 ASK THE CLASS; HOW CAN YOU RECOGNIZE EMOTIONAL ABUSE?Advocates can have their clients ask themselves the following questions to help them determine whether or not they are victims of domestic violence:
  • #23 If she answers yes to even one of these questions, then she may be a victim of emotionalabuse
  • #24 What happens if she stays? A pattern emerges.
  • #25 Sometimes in this downward spiral, before she reaches “subjugation”, what appears to be “learned helplessness” is actually a series of behaviors carefully designed to minimize the risk of attack—not a surrender but a strategy of compliance: extra attention to details like housekeeping, cleaning, and cooking, striving for perfection not because her spirit has been broken but because she is doing everything she can to keep herself and/or her children safe. Sometimes it works. Often it doesn’t. This is because she is not the cause of the attacks and ultimately has no control over them. Nothing she ever does will ever be good enough if he feels like blaming her.
  • #26 And over time the circle evolves—or devolves--into a spiral a downward spiral. the periods of violence come faster, last longer. Deterioration continues and ends in either death or complete subjugation for the abused woman.
  • #27 What it all adds up to is: power and control in all its different forms: isolation, emotional abuse, economic abuse, intimidation, and so onHave you all seen this wheel?Theres one for everyone—a legal wheel, a mental health p and c
  • #29 None of this is ilegalEven though the cumulative effect is so damaging and has such widespread consequences for the woman and for her children
  • #30 More Tactics
  • #31 It’s Like Living in a War Zone…And the woman finds herself feeling less like a wife, a partner, a beloved companion… And more like a prisoner of war. Same tactics used: brainwashing, psychological torture, wearing down her sense of identity,
  • #34 Without intervention, children who grow up witnessing abuse are at risk themselves of becoming either abusers or victims and thus continuing anothercycle of violencea
  • #36 Before she gets help, the first step for the victim is to acknowledge that she is indeed being abused. The affluent victim may even be in denial and it may take a long time for her to acknowledge and accept that it is really happening to someone in her position.
  • #37 One of the challenges she faces is, affluent abusers often control the finances and have the means to:Later he lost custody to his wife—may have had something to do with living with two women!
  • #38 Batterers Intervention programs have a very low success rate. 5 per cent.Abusers, especially if they are narcissists are invested in keeping things the way they are, maintaining their power and control; they use what they learn in the btteres classes to manipulate their victim or to punish her for betraying family secretsAnger management classes are NOT effective since it is not an anger issue—it’s not like they “lose their temper” lose self-control; they are quite able to stop in the middle of an episode and turn on that public face in someone comes to the doorHalf of all murders and rapes go unsolved every year.So for all these reasons she is reluctant to call for help. Because how much help is there really?
  • #40 They stay because…Many women fear having joint custody with the abuser. What would happen if they weren't present to protect the children?They may be influenced by family, religious, or personal beliefs to stay in their marriages.Some believe a bad father is better than no father.Many women feel isolated and ashamed of their situation. Asking for help or leaving would mean revealing their secret of spousal abuse.They may not know they have a choice: “‘Til death do us part.”
  • #41 And they stay because…There are periods of calm (the"honeymoon" phase of the domestic violence cycle) that lead women to hope the abuse is over. And maybe if she tries just a little bit harder, things will get better…And she may not feel complete if she’s not married.
  • #42 And because…She may still love himShe may have grown up in a chaotic, abusive home and may see her abuser’s behavior as “normal”.If she comes from a less privileged background, she may come to accept the abuse as the price she must pay for having moved up into this more “privileged” lifestyle
  • #43 Sometimes, even with evidence, they don’t believe her…According to Joan Farr, director of Metro-Dade Family and Victim Services in Miami, upscale batterers often take refuge behind their public image. "People see the image, and they don't think that these people have a mean, ugly, abusive side."“Simpson”, says Nicole's friend since high school, Eve Chen, "had a great sense of humor and wonderful charm. It was easy to think, 'Oh, pffff, he can't be doing her any harm.' "
  • #44 Rolanda Pierre-Dixon, Assistant D.A.
  • #47 “Most people don’t feel sympathy for a woman with financial resources”“…there are no support structures in place for her to validate the fact that domestic violence happens to ‘people like us’”“The upscale, abused woman feels internal, peer-group, and societal pressure to maintain an external image at odds with how she feels inside”—the pressure to “keep up appearances at all costs”Because of so many challenges, she may be tempted to stay. But what happens if she stays???
  • #48 What is He Thinking in doing all this to her?The “man-of means” abuser:Often describes his wife as “bought and paid for”Feels entitled to abuse her in exchange for financial support and material goodsTells her the abuse is her faultDoes not believe in community property
  • #50 Unfortunately, coming from money can make it even more difficult to leave, if her partner controls all the finances—which is frequently the case in abusive relationships. The affluent woman often doesn’t have the resources to deal with DV effectively because her partner controls all the finances. In his book Coercive Control, Evan Stark says, “The distribution of money within abusive relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s favor, a condition that puts millions of women in affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in divorces cases or custody disputes.”Stark’s example: the woman whose husband gave her three Mercedes cars in her name, all of which were standard transmissions which she could not drive. After they separated, her husband kept all the credit cards and telephone in his name, continued to monitor her calls and expenses, and used the threat of canceling these services to continue controlling her.Even while she is still married, he often keeps all the money in his name, and it is doled out in small amounts to continue the control over her.
  • #51 Often her partner controls all their financesOften he hides assetsHer partner has the resources to use the legal system and high-powered attorneys to continue his control over her: by draining her finances, dragging her back to court, by character assassination, by reaching an unfair settlement, by gaining custody of the children
  • #52 She gets little support from social programsHer partner has enough power, control, and money to thwart her attempts to escape or hunt her down and take revenge if she does manage to escapeHer inner life has been very much at odds with her outer. Her place in “privileged” society has not saved her from losing freedom, respect, peace, and safety. All that is aboutto become very public.Her standard of living is about to decline dramatically
  • #53 He can install the software onto yourphone by sending it a text message and then see all sent and received text messages and emails from your phone.
  • #54 This spyware can be installed without ever touching the computer being monitored.It’s crucial to do all sensitive research on a library or other safe computer.To reduce risk of phone calls being monitored: getting a phone from a different carrierthat gets topped up with a phone card and no contract.Entering text to email from a smart phone that uses the same carrier is NOT safe since it can be accessed from your computer.
  • #55 Woman works as a lawyer by day, gives her paycheck to her husband at nightWoman whose father sold his private bank to Comerica now lives in a shelter
  • #56 A local detective told me that one of her clients is a woman in a wealthy neighborhood. She is raped by her husband once a week. She stays so her children can go to the best schools.
  • #57 All of them are directed towards lower income victimsHotel? Friends? Not a shelter
  • #58 Abusive partners are often highly litigious and keep dragging their spouse back to court over and over, dragging out the settlement, stonewalling, refusing to complete or sign paperwork, sell the house, produce documents requiring more action on her part with the result that it ends up draining her financial resources. This new pressure to make the higher income earner pay the legal fees is desgined to discourage this abuse of the legal system. But If he is adept at hiding income/finances, he can make it look like his wife is the higher wage earner and should pay him spousal support. If he is a physician with a successful practice, he can cook the books, reduce his net profit, and make it look like he is at an economic disadvantage. With the new pressure to make the higher income earner pay attorney fees, the woman will need a skilled forensic accountant to prevent her husband from hiding his assets.JAMS—shuttle diplocacy, marathon sesssions, sending husband home to get papers the dog ate, not having to face spouse
  • #60 "Narcissists become particularly shameless during a divorce. They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings begin. Laywer BB QUOTE(Don’t name him). You married an abuser. Now that you’re getting a divorce he’s going to become even more of an abuser.They lie about their net worth so they don't have to part with alimony or child support. Some narcissists abandon their families all together and start new lives with more attractive, adoring and compliant partners. Leaving the previous spouse and children in a state of financial and psychological chaos is of no consequence to them. ~ Linda Martinez-LewiPh.DNOT LIKE IN THE MOVIES WHERE THE MOM AND DAD SIT THE KIDS DOWN IN THE LIVING ROOM AND SAY, ‘KIDS, YOUR MOM AND I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.”
  • #61 Even lawyers can be unaware that domestic violence can be an issue with their more affluent clients and they can fail to screen for it. They must have a lawyer who understands domestic violence in all its forms if they are going to get proper representation.Because their partners often control all the finances and have resources to thrown many obstacles in her way, making it even HARDER for her to leave. Examples:--He can take her back to court again and again over frivolous charges to drain her savings, --Lie and argue convincingly that he is the victim, she is the “crazy” one--drag out the custody battle, --drag out the settlement, --get more than his fair share of the assets, --hire someone or several others to harass her, stalk her, attack her or worse. She MUST have someone representing her who is prepared for all these tactics
  • #62 What if she decides to leave? What are some of the challenges the affluent woman faces in divorce?The woman often doesn’t have the resources to deal with DV effectively it because her partner controls all the finances. In his book Coercive Control, Evan Stark says, “The distribution of money within abusive relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s favor, a condition that puts millions of women in affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in divorces cases or custody disputes.”Stark’s example: the woman whose husband gave her three Mercedes cars in her name, all of which were standard transmissions which she could not drive. After they separated, her husband kept all the credit cards and telephone in his name, continued to monitor her calls and expenses, and used the threat of canceling these services to continue controlling her.Even while she is still married, he often keeps all the money in his name, and it is doled out in small amounts to continue the control over her.
  • #64 Women trying to leave abusive partners need to find a lawyer who is skilled in domestic violence, not just physical kind but the emotional kind which is more prevalent in affluent areas. The lawyer must be aware of the duplicitous nature of the abuser—the two faces, Jekyll and Hyde. Especially if the abusive partner has a highly regarded profession, a respectable position in the community, and a charming public persona, he can end up convincing the judge that he is the victim. Just because someone is a family lawyer, doesn’t make them an expert in DV. Just because they know about physical DV, doesn’t make them an expert in emotional abuse—the most common form of DV in affluent communities. She will need to interview them to find the right fit and the one with skill in areas she needs it in. My directory will help refine her search.Retainers—some lawyers require a $50K retainer upfront. Some may be willing to work out a deal to be paid out of the settlement later—of there are substantial assets involved.Courage—she will need to build her self-esteem in order to get out, she will need steady consistent support to be able to fire a lawyer if itdoesn’t work outFinding a law firm—lawyers get sick/pregnant/retire, leave for other reasons; will help to have a firm where other lawyers have easy access to all the paperwork (thousands of pages) and previous lawyer, so transition can be more seamless; court dates come up, she must be ready, huge life-changing decisions are getting made--many lawyers don’t even want to handle DV cases because of the litigious nature of the abusive partnersA well-established law firm will also have a well established backup team of forensic accountants, expert witnesses, court psychologoists—for one stop shopping which makes it easier for her, so she doesn’t have to go out and track down on her owno all of these support people
  • #65 A lot of time money and energy invested in building and maintaining that image. She is now threatening it. Very hard to move from the role of prisoner, indentured servant, slave to petitioner/accuser. It takes confidence, self-esteem, internal strength, courage, toughness, all the things that have been beaten out of her over the years. She now has to worry about losing her home, her children, her lifestyle, her life.Rocket launcher, gun down her throat, what you going to do with these btches?
  • #69 One of my clients is a therapist convinced by her pastor to go to counseling with her son and husband—a disaster—he became even more abusiveWe MUST get the word out to therapists and spiritual that when there is an abusive partner involved marriage counseling is not helpful and can be very harmful
  • #76 ZUR HANDOUT
  • #79 Six Steps to Freedom: Although these steps are numbered for reference, you can start anywhere and work on any one of them at any time
  • #83 Strategy: Keep her entire plan to leave a secretStrategy: Keep her new address confidentialUse a post office box for important mailStrategy: Don’t go back. Most abused women try to leave an average of seven times before finally leaving for good.
  • #109 One case re Det. Anderson: a female attorney whose husband controls all the finances; another stay at home mom who submits to being raped once a week so that her children can have a good education, and live in a decent neighborhood; another woman’s husband has a grenade launcher in his backyard and occasionally thrusts a gun in hs wife’s mouth threatening to kill her if she ever leaves; stalking is also a huge concern and police officers need to be aware of it
  • #110 SOC: Pros: cheaper—just costs what your lawyer charges; but the courts are backed up, the officer is often floating back and forth handling several cases at once, you may have to keep going back when things don’t get “settled” and you’ll wait weeks and weeks between sessions;Versus a private judge--$400.00 or more an hour but you get the judge’s undivided attention and you can often get it done in one meeting which could last 8 straight hours –if your ex doesn’t bring certain docs (the dog ate them), she can make him go home and get them– that’s when you learn, in spite of everything he did to make you belivee differently, he I NOT above the law.
  • #126 Add other schools:Girls Middle School, Pinewood
  • #129 Isolation Damaging her children Criticism, Shame Confinement
  • #134 GIVE OUT COPIES TO STUDENTS!!QUESTIONSEVALUATION!!!!!
  • #135 Special thanks for their support, insight and suggestions:My educational background:I have a Master’s degree in English Literature, and a teaching credential. I’m a retired teacher, past president of Toastmaster’s International Speaking Organization at Stanford University, former curriculum writer and at Stanford’s Center for Research in Disease Prevention. I’m also a published writer--I have a book out called Prisoners Under Glass, a young adult fantasy which is an allegory about domestic abuse. So my background is in teaching, writing, and health care. I’ve been invited to give this presentation to the YWCA, Kaiser, and CHAC in Mountain View, and next October to the DV Conference run by Assistant District Attorney Rolanda Pierre-Dixon.All of these wonderful people have pledged their support as I move forward with this project. What project is that?
  • #136 Good morning/afternoon. My name is Ruth Patrick. I’m a domestic violence consultant working collaboratively with shelters and women’s support groups in Santa Clara and San Mateo County. I’m here today to talk about domestic violence in affluent communities, the effect it has on women, why they need support, and where they can go to get help when they are ready to leave. This is an underserved population, with its own unique set of challenges because of the power, money, and influence their partners have to make it difficult to:leave safely, get a fair settlement, and maintain custody of their childrenHaving access to the right resources can give women a better chance to leave more safely and effectively and start a new life.
  • #138 These six steps can help her be prepared.