1. Domestic Violence
in Affluent Communities
OMEN
F
EANS
SCAPE
ETWORK, ilicon alley

2. Women-of-Means Escape
Network~ Silicon Valley
W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s Resources
mission:
 Personal
 We support and
empower all women in  Therapeutic
their struggle to free
themselves from  Legal
domestic violence
 Financial
 We address the unique
challenges of  Vocational
professional and upper-
income women through  Educational
a network of resources Website: www.losaltoscf.org/womensv
Email: womensv@losaltoscf.org
Phone: 650-996-2200
2

3. WOMEN~SV is an official
program of:
Los Altos Community Foundation

4. Domestic violence defined
 A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that
is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and
control over another intimate partner.
 Can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or
psychological actions or threats of actions that
influence another person.
 Includes any behaviors that
intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, t
errorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or
wound someone.
U.S. Department of Justice4

5. A pregnant woman’s highest
risk factor:
• her partner
“A pregnant or recently pregnant woman is
more likely to be a victim of homicide than
to die of any other cause."
Journal of the American Medical Association, 2001

6. The hidden epidemic…
 1 in 4 women is a victim of severe physical violence in her lifetime
(CDC)
 According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 85-95 percent of
reported spousal assaults are committed by men against women
Office of the District Attorney, Family Violence Division, 70 West Hedding Street
Santa Clara County 6
San Jose, CA 95110

7. The Invisible Epidemic
• “The prevalence is very high in
educated, employed U.S . women”1
• “Intimate partner violence is a
problem for the entire
population, not just certain
subgroups .”2
• Domestic violence cuts across all
socioeconomic groups3
1,2 Robert S. Thompson, M.D., of the Group Health Center for Health Studies, June
2006 issue, American Journal of Preventive Medicine.
3 Phil Hammer, esq.

8. Even in “nice”
neighborhoods…
There is a general perception that:
• domestic violence doesn’t
happen in affluent classes.
• even if it does occur
occasionally, the affluent woman
has all the resources she needs
to deal with it.
Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale
Marriages, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., 20018

9. In upscale Marin and Sonoma
Counties…
• "I represent an affluent district, but
when I worked to form my county's
first battered-women's
shelter, some nights there were no
beds left.”
• “Violence against women crosses
all economic lines.”
-- Representative Lynn Woolsey of California
9

10. 16 DV Deaths in 2011
• Last year, in Santa Clara
County, the number of
domestic- violence-related
deaths in Santa Clara County
tripled from 5 (in 2010) to 16.1
• Most of these deaths occurred
in more affluent areas.2
• On average, over one murder
per month
1 Santa Clara County Public Health Dept
2 Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director, Next Door Solutions to Community Violence.Personal
Interview, 10-3-2011

11. In Los Gatos…
• “The Daous' affluent lifestyle with multiple
homes and luxury cars may have seemed
storybook to outsiders.”
• “Court records reveal a long series of
domestic abuse and threats.”
 Carmen Daou in her restraining order: "I can
no longer live with the fear that my husband
will physically abuse and possibly kill me.”
 She was also afraid he would use their
children to punish her.
Three weeks later her husband shot himself
and their son.
Los Gatos Weekly Times, Sean Webly, 8/5/2011

12. High Crime Area?
• The most frequently reported crime in Los
Gatos in 2009 was…
• Domestic Violence
Captain Alana Forrest, Los Gatos Police Department, 2009
12

13. In Palo Alto…
Palo Alto Man Arrested for Attempted Murder of Wife
August 24, 2011
A 48-year-old Palo Alto man was
arrested on suspicion of
attempted murder after he
stabbed his wife in south Palo
Alto.
www. Paloaltopatch. com

14. In Los
Altos, Los
Altos Hills…
• 11 per cent of all calls to police are domestic-
violence related.

15. The more educated the abuser, the
more subtle the threat can be…
But just as terrifying…
 A Silicon Valley lawyer said to his
client during her divorce: “Your
husband is a doctor. Why don’t
you want me to press harder to
get a better settlement?”
 She said because her husband
had told her: “Do you know there
are at least forty ways to kill a
woman and make it look like she
died of natural causes?”
15

16. Domestic violence includes…
…the more obvious kinds of intimate partner violence:
 Physical
 Sexual

17. It also includes these other forms of
abuse…
• Overt adultery Arnold S. and mistress
• Spiritual
• Financial
• Homophobic
• Immigration
• Elder
• Teen
• Child Now refusing to pay spousal support
to Maria
1 United States Department of Justice, http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm
17
District Attorney of Santa Clara County, 2011

18. One more type of abuse:
Legal
• “The family law practitioner has particular
responsibilities in this arena. When a couple
divorces, the legal system may become a
symbolic battleground on which the male
batterer continues his abuse."
Kara Bellew, Silent Suffering: Understanding Domestic Violence in Affluent
Communities, Women’s Rights Law Reporter, Winter, 2005
And this happens across the board, no matter how rich or
poor the woman is.
18
Rolanda Pierre-Dixon, Assistant District, Santa Clara County

19. The main form of abuse in affluent
communities is…
Emotional:
 constant criticism
 threats
 diminishing her
abilities
 name-calling
 Damaging her
relationship with
her children
• the most harmful form of
abuse.
• The emotional scars from
this kind of abuse can last a
lifetime.

20. How Can You Recognize
Emotional Abuse?
An abusive partner will railroad discussions, so that you
don't have time to think about what's right and what's
wrong in their behavior. Is it abuse? Ask yourself:
 Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner
what is bothering you?
 Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate
you, call you names, swear at you, or undermine your
self-esteem?
 Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
 Do you feel that nothing you do is ever good enough?
20

21.  Does your partner isolate you from friends, family
or groups?
 Does your partner limit or undermine your access
to work, money or material resources?
 Does your partner give you the cold
shoulder, stonewall, or make angry, threatening
gestures?
 Is your relationship “bi-polar”, swinging back and
forth between a lot of emotional distance and
being very close?
21

22.  Have you ever felt obligated to have
sex, just to avoid an argument about it?
 Do you sometimes feel trapped in the
relationship?
 Has your partner ever thrown away your
belongings, smashed things in front of
you, or threatened pets?
 Are you afraid of your partner? Do you find
yourself “walking on eggshells” to avoid
“setting him off”?
22

23. A pattern emerges.
A cycle…
Except, according to Susan
Weitzman, Ph.D, affluent men tend to skip the
23
apologies.

24. … as the cycle becomes a
downward spiral
The cycle of domestic violence model has evolved into
a tightly coiled spring with:
• the intervals between attacks growing shorter
• the attacks, as well as becoming more
frequent, becoming more intense over time
• spiraling downward and ending in either death or
subjugation for the woman where she is
• utterly defeated from “learned helplessness”, her
spirit crushed
• with no hope of ever breaking free.
24

25. The downward spiral…
25
Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence; Web: www.apiahf.org/apidvinstitute

26. What’s it all about? Power and Control C
O
P
N
O T
W R
E O
R L
26

27. Civil Rights/Human Rights
Violation
• What is taken from
her is the capacity
for independent
decision making
that differentiates
adults from
children and free
citizens from
indentured
servants.
Coercive Control by Evan Stark, 2007
27

28. A pattern of “coercive
control”
Tactics used to gain control over her:
• Violence (slamming his fist into a wall)
• Intimidation (towering over her)
• Isolation
• Degradation
• Barring access to resources
• Undermining her autonomy
• Micromanaging and invading her
personal space
Coercive Control: how men entrap women in
28
personal life by Evan Stark, 2007

29. • Inducing exhaustion (waking her up in the middle of the
night for trivial reasons)
• Occasional indulgences
• Threats
• Demonstrating omnipotence
• Degradation
• Enforcing trivial demands
Ohio Domestic Violence Network Information is Power sourcebook—
www.odvn.org—developed from Biderman’s Chart of Coercion in
Amnesty International (1975) report on torture
29

30. “Death by a thousand
cuts.”
These tactics are ongoing and cumulative.
They wear her down over time, corrode her
self-esteem, her sense of self, wholeness, and
independence. They are the same kind of
tactics used to wear down prisoners of war.
Coercive Control by Evan Stark, 2007

31. Strongest statement yet on
effects of abuse on children
• Child maltreatment appears to be the single most
preventable cause of mental illness and
behavioral dysfunction in the United States
www.pubmed.gov
Neurodevelopmental biology associated with childhood sexual abuse
J Child SexAbuse. 2011 sep; 20(5): 548-87. PMID: 21970646

32. The damage to children
• The emotional stress of exposure to domestic
violence can harm the development of the
brain and impair cognitive and sensory
growth in infants and toddlers
• Children exposed to domestic violence have
more health problems, poorer school
performance, and more behavioral
disturbances than children not exposed to
domestic violence
Nearly 2/3 of all homicides committed by
young men under age 20 are sons killing
the man who has beaten their mother.
http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/Children.pdf

33. Another cycle of violence
Abusive Father
Adult Child as
Victim or
Abuser Child Witness
1 of every 3 abused children grows up to become an abuser or victim
http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/facts.htm
33

34. And when they grow up…
• Childhood traumatic stress increases the
likelihood of hospitalization with a diagnosed
autoimmune disease decades into adulthood.
• Higher risk for tobacco use, substance
abuse, unintended
pregnancy, obesity, cancer, heart
disease, stroke, PTSD
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention

35. Why doesn’t she speak up?
Why doesn’t she leave?
• One of the hallmarks of the
violence experienced by affluent
women is the great pains to which
they will go to hide it.
• Sometimes even from herself
• Her inner life has been very much
at odds with her outer. Her place in
“privileged” society has not saved
her from losing
freedom, respect, peace, and
safety. All that is about to become Rihanna after Chris Brown’s attack
very public. 35
Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., 2001

36. Affluent abusers often control the finances and have
more resources at their disposal to:
• Thwart the woman’s escape
• Reach an unfair settlement
• Take custody of the children
• Find her when she escapes
• Use the legal system and
high-powered attorneys to
continue the abuse
36

37. What legal help/protection does she have?
 Restraining orders can help keep her
safe; but they can also trigger
retribution; how can she be sure which
it will be in her case?
 Batterers’ intervention programs: 5% effective
 Court ordered anger management classes: 0%
effective
Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe, Next Door Domestic Violence
Advocates
 46% of homicides and 56% of rapes go
unsolved every year in our state.
California Senator, Loni Hancock CA Senator, Loni Hancock

38. Why doesn’t she speak up?
Why doesn’t she leave?
Many reasons:  She thinks if she hasn’t
been beaten, it may not
be abuse
 She can’t bring herself
to believe her husband
has a dark
side, different from
what he presents to the
world
Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse
in Upscale Marriages, Susan
38
Weitzman, Ph.D., 2001

39. She stays because…
• Many women fear losing custody or having joint
custody with the abuser. What would happen if
they weren't present to protect the children?
• They may be influenced by family, religious, or
personal beliefs to stay in their marriages.
• Some believe a bad father is better than no
father.
• Many women feel isolated and ashamed of
their situation. Asking for help or leaving would
mean revealing their secret of spousal abuse.
Deborah King, attorney, author of bestseller Truth Heals: What You Hide Can Hurt You (Hay
39
House, 2009, Web: http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/resources/advice/domestic-violence/)

40. She stays because…
• There are periods of calm (the "honeymoon"
phase of the domestic violence cycle) that lead
women to hope the abuse is over.
• And maybe if she tries just a little bit
harder, things will get better…
Deborah King, attorney, author of bestseller Truth Heals: What You Hide Can Hurt You (Hay
House, 2009, Web: http://www.deborahkingcenter.com/resources/advice/domestic-violence/)
• And she may not feel complete if she’s not married.
Rolanda Pierre-Dixon, personal interview, 7/22/11
40

41. She stays because…
• She may still love him
• She may have grown up in a chaotic, abusive
home and may see her abuser’s behavior as
“normal”.
Jessica Lisi, LCSW, personal interview 8/19/2011
• If she comes from a less privileged
background, she may come to accept the
abuse as the price she must pay for having
moved up into this more “privileged” lifestyle
Paul Marcille, Ph.D., personal interview 8/23/2011

42. Sometimes, even with
evidence, they don’t believe her…
• "People see the image, and they
don't think that these people have a
mean, ugly, abusive side."
• “Simpson”, says Nicole's friend since
high school, Eve Chen, "had a great
sense of humor and wonderful
charm. It was easy to
think, 'Oh, pffff, he can't be doing her
any harm.' "
42
Joan Farr, director of Metro-Dade Family and Victim Services in Miami

43. Why else does she stay?
Fear: What is she afraid of?
• Losing her children, her
reputation, her
home, her social
standing, her
lifestyle, her life savings
• Being
stalked, harassed, bullie
d, injured, killed
• If she files a restraining
order against him, it may
cost her abuser his job
and there goes all the
support she was
needing. 43

44. What is she afraid of?
• 90 per cent of women who are killed by their
intimate partner are killed AFTER they leave.

45. What keeps her from
getting help?
 Like Michael Corleone’s wife in The Godfather, she is
taught never to talk to any “outsiders” about the
family.
 How can she compare her story to anyone else’s or get
support if she can never tell anyone?
 Very convenient for an abuser.
45

46. Further Isolation…
• “Most people don’t feel sympathy for a
woman with financial resources”
• “…there are no structures in the
culture supporting the fact that
domestic violence happens to ‘people
like us’”
• “The upscale, abused woman feels
internal, peer-group, and societal
pressure to maintain an external image
at odds with how she feels inside”
46

47. What is He Thinking?
The “man-of means” abuser often:
• Feels entitled
• Maintains the abuse is always her
fault
Sheriff Mirkarimi and his wife
• Thinks what happens in the home
stays in the home
• Does not believe in community
property
 He believes everything belongs to him—
including her.
47

48. Affluent abusers…
Susan Weitzman, Ph.D.

49. The problem with
money…
“The distribution of money within abusive
relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s
favor, a condition that puts millions of women in
affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in
divorces cases or custody disputes.”
49
Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark, Oxford University Press, 2007

50. Challenges…
• Often he controls all their finances
• Often he hides assets
• He has the resources to use the
legal system and high-powered
attorneys to continue his control
over her:
• by draining her
finances, dragging her back to
court,
• by character assassination,
• by reaching an unfair settlement,
• by gaining custody of the
50
children Charlie Sheen “winning” with his twins

51. Challenges…
• He has enough power, control, influence, and money to thwart
her attempts to escape or hunt her down and take revenge if she
does manage to escape
5/10/12: Businessman Paul Garcia
(bought Mtn Charley’s from Achilli)
was sentenced to life in prison without
the possibility of parole for the Los
Gatos murder-for-hire slaying of Mark
Achiili.
Garcia hired a hitman for $9,500 to
murder Achilli, jealous that the woman
he was in love with preferred Achilli
over him. 51

52. Special challenges in our
hi-tech area:
• Technical expertise makes it
possible to monitor his
partner’s physical location and
internet and phone activity
without her knowledge
Smartphone Surveillance GPS tracking device
Hidden camera-------

53. Computer Monitoring
• PC Spy & Monitoring Software SpyAgent can
log all keystrokes typed, websites
visited, windows viewed, applications
run, internet connections made, passwords
entered, documents
printed, AIM/AOL/ICQ/Yahoo/MSN conversations
made, documents opened, emails
sent/received, and even capture screenshots of
the computer in action
• “SpyAgent has a built in remote email delivery
feature and can be installed remotely in complete
stealth!” (so he gets copies of all her emails)

54. Challenges--2
• Financial
• Even if she lives in an upscale neighborhood, even if she
has her own career, her husband may still control all the
finances
• She may not have the means to hire a good lawyer if her
husband controls all the finances
• She may wonder how she will cover her living expenses
until the settlement
• Her husband may be hiding assets. She will need a skilled
forensic accountant
• If TRO results in job loss, she will lose financial
security, possibly her home

55. Challenges--3
Parenting/Schooling
• Will her children be forced to change schools and get a lower
quality education?
• Will they have to leave their friends and make the transition to a
new school, lower neighborhood?
• What emotional toll will a high-conflict divorce take on them?
• If she is forced to share custody, will he try to turn them against
her?
• Will she have to send them to a residential school so they can
heal emotionally, unlearn negative, abusive behaviors, and learn
what a functional family structure looks like?

56. Challenges--4
• Community
• Lack of social programs and resources to address specific issues
of women with powerful, wealthy abusive partners
• Personal
• The shame and social stigma associated with
DV in the “upper classes”
• Where does she run to if she leaves?
• Fear of losing friends and place in society
• Her character will come under attack, she will
be accused of:
• doing things she has never done
• being crazy
• alienating the children from him
• being an unfit mother, no matter how competent and devoted she
may be

57. Challenges--5
• Legal
• Prolonged court battles to “win” and to
deplete her financial and emotional
resources
• Restraining order filed against her as
revenge
• Emergency screening as
punishment, attempt to win children
• Stonewalling over documents
• Court/Judge being won over by the
charm and outward trappings of success
of the abuser (Jekyll and Hyde)

58. Two-faced…
• It is incorrect to imply
that “normal” or
successful people aren’t
typical perpetrators of
domestic violence.
• In fact domestic abusers
often present two
images: skillful in social
and business settings but
controlling and obsessive
in intimate relationships
Family Court Judge Chuck Weller, Reno, Nevada

59. The damage they do…
• Abusers become particularly shameless during a divorce.
• They accuse the other spouse of neglecting the children when the reverse
is true. They hide their assets long before the formal divorce proceedings
begin. [Vital not to tell her husband anything in advance—announcing
her plans can put her life, her finances and custody of her children, in
jeopardy].
• They lie about their net worth so they don't have to part with alimony or
child support.
 Some abusers abandon their families and
start new lives with more
attractive, adoring, and compliant partners.
 Leaving the previous spouse and children in
a state of financial and psychological chaos
is of no consequence to them. 59
Linda Martinez-Lewi Ph.D Charlie Sheen with his two “goddesses”

60. Another Challenge:
Finding a lawyer with experience in the field of
domestic violence
• “Lawyers should not be seduced
into thinking that because their
clients drive expensive cars and
live within prominent zip codes
that they are immune to or can
successfully extricate themselves
from intimate partner violence.”
• “In reality, when economically
privileged women are
abused, [their wealth can] make
it more difficult for them to
manage or escape from the
abuse.”
Kara Bellew, Silent Suffering: Understanding Domestic Violence in Affluent
60
Communities, Women’s Rights Law Reporter, Winter, 2005

61. When the affluent woman tries to leave…
“The distribution of money within abusive
relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s
favor, a condition that puts millions of women in
affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in
divorces cases or custody disputes.”
61
Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark, Oxford University Press, 2007

62. Homelessness
• In 2005, 50% of U.S. cities
surveyed reported that
domestic violence was a primary
cause of local homelessness.
• Between 22% and 57% of
homeless women report that
domestic violence is the
immediate cause of their
homelessness.
The National Law Center on Homelessness & Poverty
1411 K Street NW, Suite 1400 Washington, DC 20005

63. Challenges
• Finding a lawyer experienced in all forms of domestic
violence and especially emotional abuse
• Gathering courage to fire a lawyer when it becomes clear
that she is not being well represented
• Finding a law firm (versus an individual)
• Finding a support team (forensic accountant, expert
witness, court psychologist, financial planner, estate
lawyer)

64. Challenges--7
• Psychological
 The terror of facing a powerful, influential, wealthy
man who has a solid reputation in the community, a
reputation that his wife has just attacked.
 Her abusive partner will be feeling betrayed, will
be out for vengeance.
 Many women describe their husbands as
“declaring war on them”, vowing to “destroy” or
“ruin” them.

65. Strategies
• What doesn’t work:
 Batterers’ intervention programs: 5% effective
 Court ordered anger management classes: 0%
effective
Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe, Next Door Domestic Violence
Advocates

66. Batterers intervention Programs
• Courts often mandate that convicted abusive partners
attend batterer intervention programs in addition to
serving a probation term.
• National Institute of Justice (NIJ) researchers have
evaluated the most common batterer intervention
programs.
• Most findings show that these programs do not
change batterers' attitudes toward women or
domestic violence, and that they have little to no
impact on reoffending.
http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/intimate-partner-violence/interventions/batterer-intervention.htm

67. *Family Therapy…
Anger management is NOT RECOMMENDED—not a
self-control issue. It’s a control issue. If someone
comes to the door in the middle of an domestic
violence incident, the abuse stops instantly and the
public face re-appears.
Bret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe, Next Door Domestic Violence
Advocates
67

68. Marriage counseling—
not recommended!
• Marriage counseling/family therapy is NOT
recommended when there is an abusive partner
• Abuser will display his public image, not his true self;
no truth= no healing
• Abuser will make his spouse pay later for any
incriminating remarks—can actually end up making the
situation worse
• She will be afraid to speak the truth
• Abuser will take what he learns and use it to manipulate
and further dominate and control his spouse
• For counseling to work, client must be willing to consider
the role he plays in any dysfunction—the abuser tends
to blame others rather than examine himself

69. While the “woman of means” may
look like she’s on top of the world…
69

70. And from afar…
…it may look like an idyllic life
70

71. Up close, if she is a victim
of domestic violence…
She starts to look less like a princess
and more like a prisoner...
Rapunzel
71

72. …a prisoner of war
 Isolated
 Brainwashed
 Beaten down
 Stripped of her self-
esteem, freedom, happiness, property
72

73. If She Wants to Leave
But Doesn’t Know How…
• Not knowing what steps to take can be
paralyzing
• Not knowing which step to take first can be
daunting
73

74. Kaizen…
The spirit of kaizen is all about
achieving improvement by taking
small, comfortable steps instead
of drastic, rigorous changes.
She can start anywhere
and work on one small task
at a time from any of the
six steps—in any order.
74

75. The journey of a thousand
miles…
Each day she can ask:
“How can I take a step so small that it is impossible to fail?”
By making the steps as tiny as
possible, she guarantees small
successes she can build on and
gain momentum:
 one call to a lawyer
 one visit to a support group
 one confidential conversation
with a friend
Each step, no matter how
small, takes her that much
closer to freedom.
Based on One Small Step Can Change Your Life: Robert 75 The Great WWII Escape Tunnel out of a
Maurer, Ph.D. UCLA psychologist German Prison Camp

76. Six things to say to a DV Victim
• I am afraid for your safety
• I am afraid for your children’s safety
• I am afraid it will only get worse
• You are not alone: I am here to help you or I can
find someone who can help
• You don’t deserve to be abused; no one deserves
to be abused
• It is not your fault
Family Court Judge Weller
http://web.mac.com/nevadapress/nevadapress.com/Domestic_violence_guide_files/Cove
ring%20Domestic%20Violence-Media%20Guide.pdf

77. Six Steps to Freedom
• There are six types of help and support she will
need in order to get out safely and effectively.
• Although they are numbered for easy
reference, almost all of them can be done in
any order and at any time.
77

78. Individual
1
Educational Counseling
6 2
W.
O.
M.
E.
N.
Legal
Financial
3
5
Vocational
4
It doesn’t matter where she starts. It only matters that she starts—
78
when she is ready.

79. 1 Mapping the Route
Individual
to Freedom…
Self-Care
Evidence
Property
Security
Housing
Safety
Plan
79

80. Individual Housing
Movers
Shelters
Hotels
Apartments
80

81. Individual Security
Safety Plan
Safe At Home
Alarm System
Body Guard
Cell Phone
Red Flags
Self Defense Classes
81

82. Safety
First!!*
Security
A woman’s safety is at increased risk:
When she is pregnant
When she tells her husband she is leaving
After she leaves and for the first two years, although
there may always be some risk even after that
Returning to her husband after leaving—most women
return between 7-12 times before leaving for good, even
though each time the abuse gets worse
82

83. Safety
First!!*
Safety Planning
She can talk to a counselor about:
 Important papers (birth certificate, social security
card, wedding certificate, driver’s license, etc)
 Insurance cards,
 Photo albums
 Photos (of bruises)
 Journals
 Clothes
 Extra set of car keys
 Medication
 School records, vaccination records
 Address book
 Cell phone
 Credit card
 Cash
 Where to go if you have to leave quickly
 How to leave as safely as possible
 What to do if you are followed
83
 Changing the locks

84. Safety
First!!*
Safety (cont’d)
Even if her lease says she cannot have the locks
changed, if she has a restraining order, that order
trumps the lease. After notifying the landlord, she
may change the locks to protect herself from her
abuser.
If her abuser creates a false Face Book
page, impersonating her, and discloses personal
information about her that compromises her
safety, her batterer will be held liable.
It is a felony to take the phone out of the hand of
someone attempting to dial 9-1-1.
Detective Susan Anderson, Personal Interview 8/11/2011

85. Safety
First!!* Warning!
In this high tech area, women with smart phones (and
GPS features) can be traced so that their abusers can
know where they are at any given moment
Software for phones and computers can give the
abuser detailed information about who she is talking
to and what she is saying, what websites she has
visited, and what she says in her emails
Hidden cameras in the home can spy on her
Research is best done at a trusted friend’s or at the
library
Detective Susan Anderson, Personal Interview 8/11/2011

86. Safety
First!!*
Safe at Home
 Safe at Home participants can use a free P.O. Box
instead of their home address to help them maintain Debra Bowen
their privacy when Secretary of State
 receiving first-class mail,
 opening a bank account,
 completing a confidential name change,
 filling out government documents,
 registering to vote,
 getting a driver’s license,
 enrolling a child in school, and more. 86

87. Individual Property
Furniture
Personal items
Photos
Living Expenses
Photocopy legal docs (IRS returns, bank
statements, investments)
87

88. Individual Evidence
Photos*
Voice Recordings
Neighbors
Witnesses
Journal (with dates!)
* An abused woman should be sure to include her face in the photo if there are
bruises, so there is no mistaking her identity as the victim.
88
Detective Susan Anderson, interview, 8/11/11

89. Personal Self-Care
Diet
Exercise
Friends
Journal
Meditation
Self-defense
Affirmations
Spiritual practice
Activities
89

90. 2 Mapping the Route
Counseling
to Freedom…
Private
Community
School
Social
Personal
Self-
Esteem
90

91. Counseling Personal
Individual therapy to build her self-
esteem, help her develop language around
the emotional and verbal abuse, recognize
red flags, begin to plan her escape strategy
91

92. Counseling
Personal
5-minute trick: just spend
five minutes at a time on her
plans if that’s all the
emotional energy she has
Meditation
Spiritual Practice
92

93. Therapeutic Personal
Affirmations
Self-talk
93

94. Counseling Social
Friends
Exercise
Support System
Activity
94

95. Counseling School
STAFF:
Psychologist
Guidance counselor
Principal
Registrar
Teachers
95

96. Counseling School Staff
Domestic violence takes a huge toll on children’s emotional health
and their academic performance may suffer as a result. Children
need extra support and understanding at school. School staff
should be made aware of their home situation.
If the school has a psychologist he/she can offer support and
recommend resources. The Registrar should get a copy of the
TRO if there is one, along with a picture of the abuser so they can
quickly identify him and tell him to leave.
96

97. Counseling Community
Support Groups
Hotline
Individual Sliding Scale
Family Sliding Scale
Child Sliding Scale
Remember:
 Mandated reporting
 Checking with
Supervisors 97

98. Counseling Hotline
This is a free service, completely confidential, and as anonymous
as she wants it to be.
There are several hotline numbers to call 24 hours a day:
SNBW: 1-800-572-2782; Next Door: 1-408-279-2962;
CORA: 800-300-080/650-312-8515
She never needs to feel alone.
Whenever she is frightened, depressed, lonely, needing someone
to talk to who understands, she can reach out to them.
They understand exactly what she’s going through and can help
guide her in the right direction.
If she ever feels she is in immediate danger, she should call 911!
She should have her safety plan 98
ready. A counselor can help her
prepare it.

99. Counseling Private
Family Therapy
Child Therapist
Social Worker
Relationship Coach
Divorce Coach
Personal Therapist
99

100. 3 Mapping the Route
Legal
to Freedom…
Community
County
City
Private
Personal
Lawyer
100

101. T.R.O.
Legal  A Temporary Restraining Order keeps the abuser
away from the woman and her children—for her
own personal safety and to keep him from trying
to manipulate her back into the relationship.
 Her lawyer or legal advocate can help prepare it.
 She will be more likely to get one with their help.
But she can do it herself:
To get the court forms and help in completing
and filing these forms, she can visit the Santa
Brooke Mueller Gets TRO against Charlie Sheen
Clara County Superior Court's Restraining Order
Help Center, located in the basement of the
Family Court building at 170 Park Center
Plaza, San Jose, California 95113.
This office is open Monday through Friday, from 8:30
a.m. to 4:00 p.m., and assists people on a first
come, first served basis. 101

102. Legal Personal
Discreetly, she can ask friends about lawyer referrals, resources
Legal Advocate (SNBW, Next Door) to support her in court
Save and file every important document—she will collect
thousands of pages over the next year. She must be able to
retrieve them if asked. Get banker boxes and file folders. Now is
the time to get organized! Her counselor can help here too.
Photocopy legal docs or take originals:
 Birth certificates
 Marriage certificate
 Social security cards
 Income Tax Return
 Passports
 Rental contract or Deed to Property
102

103. Legal Private
Lawyers
Forensic Accountant
Mediation/JAMS
Expert Witness
Psych Testing
Court Coach
103

104. Legal Lawyers
A team versus an individual offers:
Full service
Backup in case of illness, maternity leave, or transfer
Safety in numbers!
If she does choose an individual, she should have a
backup in mind for smoother transition, if necessary
She should show her attorney who
she is
(resumes, diplomas, awards, etc.)
Make them believe in her, so they are
well-armed to defend her
character—because it’s about to
104
come under attack.

105. Legal Know the enemy…
Many abusers have narcissistic traits.
It is important that the lawyer understands the
narcissistic personality disorder.”
Linda Martinez-Lewi , Ph.D., Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

106. Legal Lawyers
When she interviews an attorney, even if only once, her
partner can’t hire him
Some lawyers don’t charge for the initial consultation.
She may want to interview several to find the right fit.
Her partner may use interviewing multiple lawyers as an
unethical tactic to narrow her choices—another reason not
to tell him she is getting a divorce before having “all her
ducks in a row”.
106

107. Legal City
Support Networks (SNBW through YWCA, Community
Solutions, Next Door: all in San Jose)
Local Police
Detectives
Judges
City Hall (for Copy of Deed)
107

108. Legal Local Police
If a woman from another culture calls the police on a domestic
violence call, they will get a translator for the victim so that she
does not have to rely on her husband’s or other family member’s
‘translation”. In fact police are NOT allowed to use family
members for translation.
Once an arrest is made, it is out of the woman’s hands, and the
matter becomes a matter of the state versus the defendant.

109. Legal County
County Courthouse (for copy of grant deed)
Judges
Emergency Screeners
Victim Witness
Assistant District Attorney
District Attorney
Pro Bono Lawyers
SOC (Settlement Officer
Conference)
109

110. Legal District Attorney
If she is fleeing domestic violence with
her children, she should call the District
Attorney’s Child Abduction Unit to file a
“Good Cause” report as soon as she
leaves, so the authorities know she is
fleeing domestic violence, and her
husband can’t accuse her of kidnapping
them.
She can make a “Good Cause” report by
calling: (408) 792-2921.
110

111. 4 Mapping the Route
Financial
to Freedom…
Settlement
Income
Tax
Financial
Planning
Estate
Planning
Personal
Cash
111

112. 4 Personal
Financial Quietly, carefully, without telling her abuser, she
can take care of the following:
Bank accounts:
 copy account numbers
 set up her own in a different bank—and keep it secret!
 Get advice from her lawyer about how to access joint funds and
make sure she can meet her legal, financial, and personal needs.
Have enough for money for:
 Retainers
 Moving
 Living expenses
 Rent
 Counseling—personal and for children
 The Unexpected
Get a credit card in her name
112

113. 4
Financial Estate Planning
Attorney or Financial Planner to help:
Draw up a Will
Set up a Trust (to avoid probate)
113

114. 4
Financial Financial Planning
Help with investing funds:
Bank
Brokerage
Independent Portfolio Manager
Budgeting
114

115. 4
Financial Income Tax
Accountant
115

116. 4
Financial Settlement
Forensic Accountant
Family Law Attorney
Judge: Private (JAMS)*
Court (SOC)
“Shuttle diplomacy”* with JAMS
116

117. Financial
All community
property is half hers
It is crucial to have a good lawyer in order to get a fair settlement.
California is a community property state. In spite of what her
abuser may have told her, it is NOT all his money.
She helped her partner earn it by providing her own supportive
services and she is entitled by California law to half of all
community property.
117

118. 5 Mapping the Route
Vocational
Vocational
to Freedom…
College
Job Search
Personal
Resume
118

119. 5
Vocational Personal
Certificates
Diplomas
Resumes
Laptop
Volunteer history
Cell Phone
119

120. 5
Vocational
Vocational Job Search
Employment Agency
Adult Education
Interview Skills
Job Training
120

121. 5
Vocational College/University
Grants
Loans
FAFSA*
* to apply for student loans: http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/
121

122. 6 Mapping the Route
Educational
to Freedom…
Educational
Public Consultants
Schools
Private
Schools
Tutors
School
122

123. 6
Educational Tutors
Individual Tutors*
Tutoring Centers—
not accredited
Tutoring Centers--accredited
123

124. Educational Individual Tutors
Divorce takes a tremendous toll on children
Divorce where there is abuse involved takes an even greater toll
Children are often called the “hidden victims” of divorce
Even “A” students may need extra academic support at this time
to help focus, organize, complete assignments
124

125. 6 Local Private Schools
Educational
Girls
Boys
Co-ed
125

126. 6
Educational
Public Schools
To catch up on credits:
Summer School
Adult Education
Community College*
*High school students can earn double credit for taking college classes
126

127. 6
Educational Educational Consultants
Educational consultants can offer a
 Residential Treatment gamut of services, ranging from
Center
helping students choose an
 Therapeutic Boarding appropriate school or college, to
School special needs consulting.
 Private Boarding
School
 Special Needs
Programs
127

128. With………….………………….……… moves…
these six steps she
…….
Aligning herself with powerful allies
FROM: Connection, Support Group
Re-victimization
Saving her children
Isolation
Damaging her Positive Self-Talk
children
Escape Plan/ “Exit Strategy”
Criticism, Shame
128
Confinement

129. Secret Savings
FROM: Confiding in friends, allies
Financial hardship
Discovering her own power
Sworn to secrecy
Taking back control of her
His power life, her future
Survivor
His control over her
life, her present
129
Victim

130. The Good News
There is a way out for every woman struggling to
escape from domestic violence
W.O.M.E.N.~SV and other support networks
can help find it
Every call, every visit is confidential
She doesn’t even have to give her name
She must leave on her own terms when she is
ready
130

131. • Of all the things he has taken from
her, including perhaps the best years of her
life, her past, her
present, there’s one thing
her abuser can never rob her of:
her future.
131

132. W.O.M.E.N.,
Silicon Valley
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single
step
Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much
closer to freedom
132

133. When She is Ready--
Or
For Future Reference…
Directory of Names and phone numbers of
resources
The DV
DIRECTORY
133

134. Acknowledgements:
Rolanda Pierre Dixon, Esq., Assistant District Attorney, Santa Clara
County, Chair of Santa Clara county Domestic Violence Council
Maureen Lowell, LMFT, Vice Chair, Domestic Violence Council
Julie Saffren, Esq., Santa Clara University Professor
Indira Chakravorty, Signe Correa, Domestic Violence Advocates
Paul Marcille, Ph.D., Therapist, Past President of Santa Clara County
Psychological Association, Palo Alto University Professor
Richard Ferry, M.S., LMFT, Expert Witness in Domestic Violence
Miriam Bodin, MA; Jennie Heckman, Ph.D., Educational
Consultants
Edith Collin, MFT, Martha Cravens, Ph.D., Therapists
Adriana Caldera, Domestic Violence Program Director, YWCA
134
Susan Anderson, Los Altos Police Detective

135. Women-of-Means Escape
Network~ Silicon Valley
W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s Resources
mission:
 Personal
 We support and
empower all women in  Therapeutic
their struggle to free
themselves from  Legal
domestic violence
 Financial
 We address the unique
challenges of  Vocational
professional and upper-
income women through  Educational
a network of resources Website: www.losaltoscf.org/womensv
Email: womensv@losaltoscf.org
Phone: 650-996-2200
135

136. We are here to: Resources
 support and empower  Personal
women in their struggle
to free themselves from  Therapeutic
domestic violence
 Legal
 To address the unique
challenges of  Financial
professional and upper-
income women through  Vocational
a network of resources
 Educational
W.O.M.E.N., SV is a non-profit program partnered with Los Altos Community Foundation
136

137. Advice from a prominent Silicon Valley
attorney to women planning their escape…
• You married an abuser. Now that you’re
getting a divorce, he’s going to become even
more of an abuser.
• Be prepared.
137

139. If there’s an abuser involved…
another
get
a divorce!