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Domestic Violence        in Affluent CommunitiesOMENFEANSSCAPEETWORK, ilicon alley
Women-of-Means Escape             Network~ Silicon Valley    W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s                                             ...
WOMEN~SV is an official    program of: Los Altos Community Foundation
Next Door Solutions24-hour HotlineDV advocatesLegal advocatesSupport groupsSelf-sufficiency training
Agenda• Assessment• Statistics• What is Domestic Violence?• The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children• Domestic Violenc...
Statistics
The hidden epidemic… 1 in 4 women is a DV victim                             “The prevalence is very high in            ...
What is Domestic Violence?The intentional and consistent use of power to control an intimate partner through means such a...
The main form of abuse in affluent      communities is…  Emotional:       constant criticism       threats       dimini...
A pattern emerges.     A cycle… Except, according to Susan Weitzman, Ph.D,   affluent men tend to skip the apologies.     ...
… as the cycle becomes a downward spiral                                                    11Asian & Pacific Islander Ins...
What’s it all about? Power and Control   C                                         OP                                     ...
A pattern of “coercive            control”Tactics used to gain control over her:• Show of Violence• Intimidation• Isolatio...
Coercive Control• Inducing exhaustion• Occasional indulgences• Threats• Demonstrating omnipotence• Enforcing trivial deman...
“Death by a thousand          cuts.”These tactics are ongoing and cumulative.They wear her down over time, corrode herself...
The Effects of Domestic Violence          on Children
The damage to children• DV harms brain development, impairs  cognitive and sensory growth• More health problems, poorer sc...
And when they grow up… 1 in 3 abused children grows up to become an abuser or victim http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/...
Domestic Violence in the Affluent Community
Even in “nice”                neighborhoods…There is a general perception that:• Domestic violence doesn’t  happen here.• ...
The problem with                          money…         “The distribution of money within abusive         relationships i...
Affluent abusers often control the finances and have            more resources at their disposal to:• Thwart the woman’s e...
Affluent abusers use their public image to  deny, ignore, and cover up their abuse……but it’s getting harder!              ...
In upscale Marin and Sonoma                         Counties…• "I represent an affluent district, but  when I worked to fo...
16 DV Deaths in 2011• Last year, in Santa Clara County,  the number of domestic-  violence-related deaths in Santa  Clara ...
Barriers to Leaving
Barriers to Leaving• Economic             • Coercive control*  dependence                       • Isolation• Parenting con...
Challenges for affluent women Social stigma Lack of social support Lack of programs for women in  affluent neighborhood...
Risks:That the threats to kill her or her family may become                        a reality  Risks…     • Losing her chil...
Leaving     • On average, a person in an abusive relationship       will make 8-10 attempts to leave     • Important to un...
The more educated the abuser, the    more subtle the threat can be…But just as terrifying…What theSilicon Valley surgeon t...
Challenges in our hi-tech area:• Partner’s technical expertiseSmartphone Surveillance       GPS tracking device           ...
Challenges• Finding a lawyer with experience in A family law attorney student can graduate  the field of domestic violence...
Challenges• Financial—even if she works outside the home, abusive  partner may still control all the finances• Between 22%...
More ChallengesParenting/Schooling• New school not as good, new neighborhood not as safe?• Will her children become more a...
Resources
Susan’s Story• Susan               Son
The journey of a thousand                  miles…                   Each day she can ask:               “How can I take a...
Six things to say to a DV Victim• I am afraid for your safety• I am afraid for your children’s safety• I am afraid it will...
Six Steps to Freedom• There are six types of help and support she will  need in order to get out safely and effectively.• ...
Individual                                  1        Educational                                Counseling            6   ...
Susan’s Story…Resources to add
1                  Mapping the Route Individual                           to Freedom…                                     ...
SafetyFirst!!*                        Safety Planning           She can talk to a counselor about:            Important p...
Individual                  Evidence   Photos   Voice Recordings   Neighbors   Witnesses   Journal (with dates!)     ...
Personal               Self-Care Diet Exercise Friends Journal Meditation Self-defense Affirmations Spiritual prac...
2               Mapping the Route Counseling                           to Freedom…                                        ...
Counseling              Personal  Individual therapy                         48
Counseling              Community Support Groups—Ex: Next Door Hotline Individual Sliding Scale Family Sliding Scale ...
Counseling             PrivatePersonal therapistParenting coach—phone counselingRelationship coachDivorce coachDomest...
Family Therapy…        For mother and/or child, not including abuser        Marriage counseling/family therapy is NOT re...
3                Mapping the Route   Legal                            to Freedom…                                         ...
Legal                 LawyersWhen she interviews an attorney, her partner can’t hire himSome lawyers don’t charge for fi...
Legal          District AttorneyDistrict Attorney’s Child Abduction Unit for a “Good Cause” report                       ...
T.R.O.    Legal                         Temporary Restraining OrderFAMILY VIOLENCE APPELATE PROJECTIN BERKELEY—FOR BAY AR...
Legal           Point to PonderCan an abuser be a good father if he “only” abuses his wife and not his child?
4                Mapping the Route Financial                          to Freedom…                                         ...
4Financial           Income Tax            Forensic Accountant            Accountant              Budgeting support    ...
Financial                  All community                property is half hersIt is crucial to have a good lawyer in order...
6            Mapping the Route Educational                        to Freedom…                                             ...
6         Local Private SchoolsEducationalGirlsBoysCo-ed                    61
6Educational      Educational ConsultantsResidential Treatment CenterTherapeutic Boarding SchoolPrivate Boarding School...
MVR              Your SupervisorConsult for mandated reportingShe or he may spot red flags you’ve overlooked—they could ...
With………….………………….……… moves…                 these six steps she                   …….                         Aligning her...
Secret SavingsFROM:                  Confiding in friends, alliesFinancial hardship                         Discovering he...
The Good NewsThere is a way outW.O.M.E.N.~SV and other support networks can help find itEvery communication is confiden...
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepEach step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to f...
• Of all the things he has taken from her,   including perhaps the best years of her life,               her past, her pre...
If there’s an abuser involved…        another                   get            a divorce!
We are here to:                                                           Resources support and empower                  ...
Questions?
When She is Ready--             Or   For Future Reference…Directory of Names and phone numbers of resources             T...
Evaluations
TEST• ANSWERS
Acknowledgements:Rolanda Pierre Dixon, Esq., Assistant District Attorney, Santa Clara County, Chair of Santa Clara County...
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Chac talk 11.0

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Chac talk 11.0

  1. 1. Domestic Violence in Affluent CommunitiesOMENFEANSSCAPEETWORK, ilicon alley
  2. 2. Women-of-Means Escape Network~ Silicon Valley W.O.M.E.N.~SV’ s Resources mission:  Personal We support and empower all women in  Therapeutic their struggle to free themselves from  Legal domestic violence  Financial We address the specific challenges of  Vocational professional and upper- income women through  Educational a network of resources Website: www.losaltoscf.org/womensv Email: womensv@losaltoscf.org Phone: 650-996-2200 2
  3. 3. WOMEN~SV is an official program of: Los Altos Community Foundation
  4. 4. Next Door Solutions24-hour HotlineDV advocatesLegal advocatesSupport groupsSelf-sufficiency training
  5. 5. Agenda• Assessment• Statistics• What is Domestic Violence?• The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children• Domestic Violence in the Affluent Community• Barriers to Leaving• Resources and Directory—Susan’s Story• Questions• Evaluations
  6. 6. Statistics
  7. 7. The hidden epidemic… 1 in 4 women is a DV victim  “The prevalence is very high in educated, employed U.S . Women”2 85-95 percent of DV victims are women  “IPV affects the entire population, not just certain subgroups .” It cuts across all socioeconomic groups31 Office of the District Attorney, Santa Clara County,2 Robert S. Thompson, M.D., of the Group Health Center for Health Studies,June 2006 issue, American Journal of Preventive Medicine. 73 Phil Hammer, esq.
  8. 8. What is Domestic Violence?The intentional and consistent use of power to control an intimate partner through means such as physical, verbal, sexual and financial attacks.1Includes any behaviors that intimidate, manipulate, humiliate, isolate, frighten, terrorize, coerce, threaten, blame, hurt, injure, or wound their partner2—or someone their partner loves3. 1 CORA 2 U.S. Department of Justice 3 Rolanda Pierre-Dixon 8
  9. 9. The main form of abuse in affluent communities is… Emotional:  constant criticism  threats  diminishing her abilities  name-calling  damaging her relationship with her children• the most harmful form of abuse.• The emotional scars from this kind of abuse can last a lifetime.
  10. 10. A pattern emerges. A cycle… Except, according to Susan Weitzman, Ph.D, affluent men tend to skip the apologies. 10
  11. 11. … as the cycle becomes a downward spiral 11Asian & Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence; Web: www.apiahf.org/apidvinstitute
  12. 12. What’s it all about? Power and Control C OP NO TW RE OR L 12
  13. 13. A pattern of “coercive control”Tactics used to gain control over her:• Show of Violence• Intimidation• Isolation• Degradation• Barring access to resources• Undermining her autonomy• Micromanaging and invading her personal spaceCoercive Control: how men entrap women in 13personal life by Evan Stark, 2007
  14. 14. Coercive Control• Inducing exhaustion• Occasional indulgences• Threats• Demonstrating omnipotence• Enforcing trivial demandsOhio Domestic Violence Network Information is Power sourcebook—www.odvn.org—developed from Biderman’s Chart of Coercion inAmnesty International (1975) report on torture 14
  15. 15. “Death by a thousand cuts.”These tactics are ongoing and cumulative.They wear her down over time, corrode herself-esteem, her sense of self, wholeness, andindependence. They are the same kind oftactics used to wear down prisoners of war.Coercive Control by Evan Stark, 2007
  16. 16. The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children
  17. 17. The damage to children• DV harms brain development, impairs cognitive and sensory growth• More health problems, poorer school performance, and more behavioral disturbances• Nearly 2/3 of all homicides committed by young men under age 20 are sons killing the man who has beaten their mother. http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org/userfiles/file/Children_and_Families/Children.pdf
  18. 18. And when they grow up… 1 in 3 abused children grows up to become an abuser or victim http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/facts.htm• Increased risk of autoimmune disease• higher risk for tobacco use, substance abuse, unintended pregnancy, obesity, cancer, heart disease, stroke, PTSDCenters for Disease Control and Prevention
  19. 19. Domestic Violence in the Affluent Community
  20. 20. Even in “nice” neighborhoods…There is a general perception that:• Domestic violence doesn’t happen here.• She has all the resources she needs to deal with it. Not to People like Us: Hidden Abuse in Upscale Marriages, Susan Weitzman, Ph.D., 200120
  21. 21. The problem with money… “The distribution of money within abusive relationships is sharply skewed in the man’s favor, a condition that puts millions of women in affluent homes at enormous disadvantage in divorces cases or custody disputes.” 21Coercive Control: The Entrapment of Women in Personal Life , Evan Stark, Oxford University Press, 2007
  22. 22. Affluent abusers often control the finances and have more resources at their disposal to:• Thwart the woman’s escape• Reach an unfair settlement• Take custody of the children• Find her when she escapes• Use the legal system and high-powered attorneys to continue the abuse 22
  23. 23. Affluent abusers use their public image to deny, ignore, and cover up their abuse……but it’s getting harder! 23
  24. 24. In upscale Marin and Sonoma Counties…• "I represent an affluent district, but when I worked to form my countys first battered-womens shelter, some nights there were no beds left.”• “Violence against women crosses all economic lines.” -- Representative Lynn Woolsey of California 24
  25. 25. 16 DV Deaths in 2011• Last year, in Santa Clara County, the number of domestic- violence-related deaths in Santa Clara County tripled from 5 (in 2010) to 16.1• Most of these deaths occurred in more affluent areas.2• On average, over one murder per month 1 Santa Clara County Public Health Dept 2 Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director, Next Door Solutions to Community Violence.Personal Interview, 10-3-2011
  26. 26. Barriers to Leaving
  27. 27. Barriers to Leaving• Economic • Coercive control* dependence • Isolation• Parenting concerns • Lack of Resources• Low Self-esteem • Loss of friends,• Guilt and self-blame current schools, lifestyle• Partner’s Social Status • Attitudes/pressure (Society, Religion,• Immigrant Status culture, family)• Shame & Embarrassment
  28. 28. Challenges for affluent women Social stigma Lack of social support Lack of programs for women in affluent neighborhoods Lack of connections, social resources (stay at home mom, isolation) vs partner’s Who will believe her? Partner’s public image/career may be ruined if truth comes out Vengeance 28
  29. 29. Risks:That the threats to kill her or her family may become a reality Risks… • Losing her children, her reputation, her home, her social standing, her lifestyle, her life savings • Being stalked, harassed, bullie d, injured, killed • If she files a restraining order against him, it may cost her abuser his job and there goes all the support she was 29 needing.
  30. 30. Leaving • On average, a person in an abusive relationship will make 8-10 attempts to leave • Important to understand how leaving can impact a person’s safety • A woman should never tell her abusive partner she is planning to leave him—puts her life at risk • 90 per cent of women who are killed by their intimate partner are killed AFTER they leave.11 Kathleen Krenek, Executive Director, Next Door Solutions to Domestic Violence
  31. 31. The more educated the abuser, the more subtle the threat can be…But just as terrifying…What theSilicon Valley surgeon told his wife 31
  32. 32. Challenges in our hi-tech area:• Partner’s technical expertiseSmartphone Surveillance GPS tracking device Hidden camera-------
  33. 33. Challenges• Finding a lawyer with experience in A family law attorney student can graduate the field of domestic violence without ever taking a single course in domestic violence• “Lawyers should not be seduced into thinking that because their clients drive expensive cars and live within prominent zip codes that they are immune to or can successfully extricate themselves from intimate partner violence.”• “In reality, when economically privileged women are abused, [their wealth can] make it more difficult for them to manage or escape from the abuse.”Kara Bellew, Silent Suffering: Understanding Domestic Violence in Affluent Communities, Women’s Rights Law Reporter, 33Winter, 2005
  34. 34. Challenges• Financial—even if she works outside the home, abusive partner may still control all the finances• Between 22% and 57% of homeless women report that domestic violence is the immediate cause of their homelessness. The National Law Center on Homelessness & Poverty 
1411 K Street NW, Suite 1400
Washington, DC 20005
  35. 35. More ChallengesParenting/Schooling• New school not as good, new neighborhood not as safe?• Will her children become more abusive to her?• Emotional toll of a high-conflict divorce ?• Risks of shared custody—50% custody= 50% unprotected
  36. 36. Resources
  37. 37. Susan’s Story• Susan Son
  38. 38. The journey of a thousand miles… Each day she can ask: “How can I take a step so small that it is impossible to fail?” By making the steps as tiny as possible, she guarantees small successes she can build on and gain momentum: Each step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom.Based on One Small Step Can Change Your Life: Robert Maurer, 38Ph.D. UCLA psychologist
  39. 39. Six things to say to a DV Victim• I am afraid for your safety• I am afraid for your children’s safety• I am afraid it will only get worse• You are not alone: I am here to help you/ I can find someone who can help• You don’t deserve to be abused; no one deserves to be abused• It is not your faultFamily Court Judge Wellerhttp://web.mac.com/nevadapress/nevadapress.com/Domestic_violence_guide_files/Covering%20Domestic%20Violence-Media%20Guide.pdf
  40. 40. Six Steps to Freedom• There are six types of help and support she will need in order to get out safely and effectively.• Although they are numbered for easy reference, almost all of them can be done in any order and at any time. 40
  41. 41. Individual 1 Educational Counseling 6 2 W. O. M. E. N. Legal Financial 3 5 Vocational 4It doesn’t matter where she starts. It only matters that she starts— 41 when she is ready.
  42. 42. Susan’s Story…Resources to add
  43. 43. 1 Mapping the Route Individual to Freedom… Self-Care Evidence Property Security HousingSafety Plan 43
  44. 44. SafetyFirst!!* Safety Planning She can talk to a counselor about:  Important papers (birth certificate, social security card, wedding certificate, driver’s license, etc)  Insurance cards,  Clothes  Extra set of car keys  Medication  School records, vaccination records  Address book  Cell phone  Credit card  Cash  Where to go if she has to leave quickly  How to leave as safely as possible  What to do if she is followed 44
  45. 45. Individual Evidence Photos Voice Recordings Neighbors Witnesses Journal (with dates!) 45
  46. 46. Personal Self-Care Diet Exercise Friends Journal Meditation Self-defense Affirmations Spiritual practice Activities 46
  47. 47. 2 Mapping the Route Counseling to Freedom… Private Community School Social Personal Self-Esteem 47
  48. 48. Counseling Personal Individual therapy 48
  49. 49. Counseling Community Support Groups—Ex: Next Door Hotline Individual Sliding Scale Family Sliding Scale Child Sliding Scale Remember: Mandated reporting Checking with Supervisors 49
  50. 50. Counseling PrivatePersonal therapistParenting coach—phone counselingRelationship coachDivorce coachDomestic violence consultant 50
  51. 51. Family Therapy… For mother and/or child, not including abuser Marriage counseling/family therapy is NOT recommended when there is an abusive partner Batterers Intervention Programs: 5% effective Anger Management: 0% effectiveBret Johnson, Ph.D., Indira C and Signe C, Next Door Domestic 51Violence Advocates
  52. 52. 3 Mapping the Route Legal to Freedom… Community County City Private PersonalLawyer 52
  53. 53. Legal LawyersWhen she interviews an attorney, her partner can’t hire himSome lawyers don’t charge for first consult.Interview several to find the right fit.Warning: interviewing multiple lawyers as an unethical tactic 53
  54. 54. Legal District AttorneyDistrict Attorney’s Child Abduction Unit for a “Good Cause” report 54
  55. 55. T.R.O. Legal  Temporary Restraining OrderFAMILY VIOLENCE APPELATE PROJECTIN BERKELEY—FOR BAY AREA Brooke Mueller Gets TRO against Charlie Sheen--non-profit--to appeal harmful court decisions likeawarding custody to the batterer“Why would a judge give custody to anabusive parent? It’s crazy, but it happens.Very often.”SONYA Passi, Founder of FVAP 55
  56. 56. Legal Point to PonderCan an abuser be a good father if he “only” abuses his wife and not his child?
  57. 57. 4 Mapping the Route Financial to Freedom… Settlement Income Tax Financial Planning Estate Planning PersonalCash 57
  58. 58. 4Financial Income Tax Forensic Accountant Accountant Budgeting support 58
  59. 59. Financial All community property is half hersIt is crucial to have a good lawyer in order to get a fair settlement.California is a community property state. In spite of what her abuser may have told her, it is NOT all his money.She helped her partner earn it by providing her own supportive services and she is entitled by California law to half of all community property. 59
  60. 60. 6 Mapping the Route Educational to Freedom… Educational Public Consultants Schools Private Schools TutorsSchool 60
  61. 61. 6 Local Private SchoolsEducationalGirlsBoysCo-ed 61
  62. 62. 6Educational Educational ConsultantsResidential Treatment CenterTherapeutic Boarding SchoolPrivate Boarding SchoolSpecial Needs Programs 62
  63. 63. MVR Your SupervisorConsult for mandated reportingShe or he may spot red flags you’ve overlooked—they could be life changing, life saving
  64. 64. With………….………………….……… moves… these six steps she ……. Aligning herself with powerful alliesFROM: Connection, Support GroupRe-victimization Saving her children Isolation Damaging her Positive Self-Talk children Escape Plan/ “Exit Strategy”Criticism, Shame 64 Confinement
  65. 65. Secret SavingsFROM: Confiding in friends, alliesFinancial hardship Discovering her own powerSworn to secrecy Taking back control of her life, His power her future SurvivorHis control over herlife, her present 65 Victim
  66. 66. The Good NewsThere is a way outW.O.M.E.N.~SV and other support networks can help find itEvery communication is confidentialShe doesn’t even have to give her nameShe must leave on her own terms when she is readyRemember: She should never tell her plans with her abuser 66
  67. 67. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepEach step, no matter how small, takes her that much closer to freedom 67
  68. 68. • Of all the things he has taken from her, including perhaps the best years of her life, her past, her present,there’s one thing her abuser can never rob her of: her future. 68
  69. 69. If there’s an abuser involved… another get a divorce!
  70. 70. We are here to: Resources support and empower  Personal women in their struggle to free themselves from  Therapeutic domestic violence  Legal To address the unique challenges of  Financial professional and upper- income women through  Vocational a network of resources  Educational W.O.M.E.N., SV is a non-profit program partnered with Los Altos Community Foundation 71
  71. 71. Questions?
  72. 72. When She is Ready-- Or For Future Reference…Directory of Names and phone numbers of resources The DV DIRECTORY 73
  73. 73. Evaluations
  74. 74. TEST• ANSWERS
  75. 75. Acknowledgements:Rolanda Pierre Dixon, Esq., Assistant District Attorney, Santa Clara County, Chair of Santa Clara County Domestic Violence CouncilMaureen Lowell, LMFT, Vice Chair, Domestic Violence CouncilJulie Saffren, Esq., Santa Clara University ProfessorIndira Chakravorty, Signe Correa, Domestic Violence AdvocatesRichard Ferry, M.S., LMFT, Expert Witness in Domestic ViolenceMiriam Bodin, MA; Jennie Heckman, Ph.D., Educational ConsultantsEdith Collin, MFT, Martha Cravens, Ph.D., Stewart Kiritz, Ph.D. TherapistsAdriana Caldera, Domestic Violence Program Director, YWCASusan Anderson, Los Altos Police Officer and Former DetectiveTuck Younis, Los Altos Police Chief 76

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