This document provides advice from birth mothers who placed children for adoption. It aims to share what they wish they had known when considering adoption. The key points are:
1) Family preservation should come first, as adoption is a permanent solution to often temporary problems. Don't rush into adoption to solve current issues.
2) Adopted children often struggle with feelings of abandonment, and there is no guarantee the child will appreciate the adoption decision later in life.
3) Focus on the needs of the birth mother and child, not fulfilling the desires of prospective adoptive parents. Private adoptions carry more risks than agency adoptions.
4) Society often fears and judges birth mothers, so expect a
This document introduces the concept of a "fearless birthing life coach" which would work with expectant parents early in their pregnancy. It discusses how traditional childbirth educators often meet with parents too late to fully impact their birth decisions and expectations. A life coach model is proposed to help parents establish goals and navigate obstacles earlier on. The document outlines techniques used by life coaches, such as building rapport, establishing timelines, and fostering confidence, that could help parents make empowered choices. It suggests reaching innovator clients who can influence broader trends, rather than trying to appeal to all parents. Coaching is positioned as a way to change how information is presented and guide parents to their own paradigm-shifting insights.
This document provides information about sleep deprivation in children and its importance. It discusses how establishing sleep routines and schedules is important before the start of the school year. The document recommends that children aged 6-12 need 10-11 hours of sleep per night. It lists some negative impacts of sleep deprivation in children like moodiness, trouble learning, and behavioral changes. The document encourages parents to evaluate their child's sleep habits and establish consistent wake-up times and bedtimes. Improving children's sleep can help their mental and physical development as well as immune system function.
Bobby's Books uses children's literature to help children cope with grief, loss, and change. The organization was started to empower adults to think like children and help them through difficult experiences like death, divorce, and moves. Common feelings associated with grief include sadness, emptiness, anxiety, and guilt. Myths suggest children only grieve briefly or in stages, but grief is unique to each individual. Reading stories, discussing feelings, and using art can help children process losses in relationships, possessions, environments, skills, and habits. Bobby's Books recommends selecting age-appropriate books and including caregivers to recognize and understand children's experiences with change and suffering.
The document provides guidance for parents on helping school-age children cope after disasters. It outlines common reactions such as confusion, feelings of responsibility, fears of recurrence, retelling the event, and sleep problems. It recommends that parents provide clear explanations, reassurance, encouragement of positive coping activities, and temporary changes to sleep arrangements to help children through this difficult time.
Rachel discusses how she used to assume she would have children like many people expect, but through experiences with children and self-reflection, she realized she does not want to be a mother. She enjoys spending time with children briefly but does not like the responsibilities and sacrifices of parenthood. While she understands others find joy in parenting, after much consideration, Rachel is confident that being childfree is the right decision for her.
1) The document provides 5 tips for helping children sleep through the night, written by a certified sleep consultant.
2) The first tip is to understand how much sleep children need at different ages and establish a consistent bedtime routine.
3) The second tip is to create a consistent daily routine with set times for activities, meals and naps to make children feel secure.
4) The third tip is that children can develop a sleep debt from chronic poor sleep, and it takes time and consistency to pay off that debt through good sleep habits.
Hale, Deauna - Sample 1 (Making the Move)Deauna Gibbs
This document provides information to help adult children make the difficult decision to move an aging parent into an assisted living facility. It discusses common emotions felt during the process like guilt and anger. It also offers advice on involving siblings, having sensitive conversations with parents about their needs, preparing for the move, and supporting the parent after the transition. The end recommends two specific assisted living facilities, Jennings Place and Devon Oaks, that are part of a senior care network that can accommodate different levels of care.
This document summarizes a court case in New Jersey regarding an open adoption agreement. A birth mother placed her child for adoption with a couple she knew, with the agreement that she would be able to visit the child. However, when the adoption was finalized, the couple cut off contact. The birth mother sued to overturn the adoption. The New Jersey Supreme Court ultimately ruled in favor of the adoptive parents, finding that open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable. The document discusses the issues and complexities surrounding open adoption, including the need for clearer laws and expectations regarding the legal status of such agreements.
This document introduces the concept of a "fearless birthing life coach" which would work with expectant parents early in their pregnancy. It discusses how traditional childbirth educators often meet with parents too late to fully impact their birth decisions and expectations. A life coach model is proposed to help parents establish goals and navigate obstacles earlier on. The document outlines techniques used by life coaches, such as building rapport, establishing timelines, and fostering confidence, that could help parents make empowered choices. It suggests reaching innovator clients who can influence broader trends, rather than trying to appeal to all parents. Coaching is positioned as a way to change how information is presented and guide parents to their own paradigm-shifting insights.
This document provides information about sleep deprivation in children and its importance. It discusses how establishing sleep routines and schedules is important before the start of the school year. The document recommends that children aged 6-12 need 10-11 hours of sleep per night. It lists some negative impacts of sleep deprivation in children like moodiness, trouble learning, and behavioral changes. The document encourages parents to evaluate their child's sleep habits and establish consistent wake-up times and bedtimes. Improving children's sleep can help their mental and physical development as well as immune system function.
Bobby's Books uses children's literature to help children cope with grief, loss, and change. The organization was started to empower adults to think like children and help them through difficult experiences like death, divorce, and moves. Common feelings associated with grief include sadness, emptiness, anxiety, and guilt. Myths suggest children only grieve briefly or in stages, but grief is unique to each individual. Reading stories, discussing feelings, and using art can help children process losses in relationships, possessions, environments, skills, and habits. Bobby's Books recommends selecting age-appropriate books and including caregivers to recognize and understand children's experiences with change and suffering.
The document provides guidance for parents on helping school-age children cope after disasters. It outlines common reactions such as confusion, feelings of responsibility, fears of recurrence, retelling the event, and sleep problems. It recommends that parents provide clear explanations, reassurance, encouragement of positive coping activities, and temporary changes to sleep arrangements to help children through this difficult time.
Rachel discusses how she used to assume she would have children like many people expect, but through experiences with children and self-reflection, she realized she does not want to be a mother. She enjoys spending time with children briefly but does not like the responsibilities and sacrifices of parenthood. While she understands others find joy in parenting, after much consideration, Rachel is confident that being childfree is the right decision for her.
1) The document provides 5 tips for helping children sleep through the night, written by a certified sleep consultant.
2) The first tip is to understand how much sleep children need at different ages and establish a consistent bedtime routine.
3) The second tip is to create a consistent daily routine with set times for activities, meals and naps to make children feel secure.
4) The third tip is that children can develop a sleep debt from chronic poor sleep, and it takes time and consistency to pay off that debt through good sleep habits.
Hale, Deauna - Sample 1 (Making the Move)Deauna Gibbs
This document provides information to help adult children make the difficult decision to move an aging parent into an assisted living facility. It discusses common emotions felt during the process like guilt and anger. It also offers advice on involving siblings, having sensitive conversations with parents about their needs, preparing for the move, and supporting the parent after the transition. The end recommends two specific assisted living facilities, Jennings Place and Devon Oaks, that are part of a senior care network that can accommodate different levels of care.
This document summarizes a court case in New Jersey regarding an open adoption agreement. A birth mother placed her child for adoption with a couple she knew, with the agreement that she would be able to visit the child. However, when the adoption was finalized, the couple cut off contact. The birth mother sued to overturn the adoption. The New Jersey Supreme Court ultimately ruled in favor of the adoptive parents, finding that open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable. The document discusses the issues and complexities surrounding open adoption, including the need for clearer laws and expectations regarding the legal status of such agreements.
This document provides tips for single fathers on protecting their parental rights. It advises never agreeing to give the child's mother sole custody and explains why. Sole custody gives the mother control and means the father would only have "reasonable parenting time", which is often poorly defined and results in little contact with the child. The document urges fathers to insist on joint legal and physical custody instead and have specific parenting time spelled out in court orders, rather than leaving it vague. It warns that agreeing to the mother having sole custody could severely limit the father's relationship with his child and make it very difficult for him to gain more custody rights in the future.
One look at the cover of my book and you know what the book is all about, there are no secrets here. I am a down-to-earth person, think logically and this is the product of my research and ideas. To read more, visit the website. https://www.heavenvsreincarnation.com/
This document discusses the concepts of heaven and reincarnation. It explains that in Hinduism, reincarnation is viewed as retaking a test if you fail, rather than begging for forgiveness. People must work diligently and persist if they want to achieve their dreams, as there are struggles and disappointments in life, rather than expecting things immediately. The document concludes by providing a website and contact information for those wanting to learn more about the choice between heaven and reincarnation.
Kids Turn Asilomar Training by Dr. Allison ThorsonGerard Corbett
This document summarizes research on how children are affected by discovering parental infidelity even if their parents did not divorce. It discusses factors such as how children learn about the infidelity, the attributions they make for why it occurred, consequences they experience, and their ability to forgive the unfaithful parent. The research presented examines how a lack of parental support and child control over private information influences perceptions and well-being. It also explores how children develop rules to manage discussing the infidelity within the family.
When a loved one dies, it can be difficult to know how to help kids cope with the loss, particularly as you work through your own grief.
How much kids can understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences, and personality. But there are a few important points to remember in all cases.
The document discusses how children of different ages will deal with divorce differently and what parents can expect from children in various age groups. It explains that very young children may exhibit changes in behavior, eating, sleeping and have trouble separating from parents. Children ages 3-5 will start asking questions about the divorce. Children 6-11 will likely know other divorced families and have more emotions like anger but may not understand their feelings. Older children ages 12 and up are more likely to understand divorce but may blame themselves or want more details about the marriage problems. The document advises parents to be prepared to address the unique needs of children based on their developmental stage during a divorce.
The document discusses the perception that being taken into care is damaging to children versus evidence that care can improve outcomes for neglected children. It summarizes that:
1) There is a long-held belief that care is catastrophic for children's futures, but extensive research shows that care, when used effectively, can improve lives and that some children left in neglectful homes experience worse problems.
2) Studies find that most children entering care have serious pre-care problems but their welfare improves over time in care, and outcomes are better than for neglected children returned home against the evidence.
3) An overoptimistic view that deeply inadequate parents can change leads to children being left too long in neglectful homes, despite research
Newborn Care was written for healthcare workers providing special care for newborn infants in level 2 hospitals. It covers: resuscitation at birth, assessing infant size and gestational age, routine care and feeding of both normal and high-risk infants, the prevention, diagnosis and management of hypothermia, hypoglycaemia, jaundice, respiratory distress, infection, trauma, bleeding and congenital abnormalities, communication with parents
This document outlines an agenda for a workshop about Child and Family Services. The workshop objectives are to learn 8 related vocabulary words and learn about Child and Family Services. Activities include reviewing vocabulary words like "neglect", "apprehend", and "foster parent". There is also a fill-in-the-blank activity to practice using the words. The workshop aims to educate participants about the purpose of Child and Family Services and how they can help children and families in need.
This document outlines an agenda for a workshop about Child and Family Services. The workshop objectives are to learn 8 related vocabulary words and learn about Child and Family Services. Activities include reviewing vocabulary words like "neglect", "apprehend", and "foster parent". There is also a fill-in-the-blank activity to practice using the words. The workshop aims to educate participants about the purpose of Child and Family Services and how they can help children and families in need.
This document provides a literature review on mother-child bonding. It discusses several theories on bonding, including attachment theory proposed by Bowlby, and separation-individuation theory proposed by Mahler. It explores bonding from both an evolutionary perspective and a psychological perspective. The review also examines intrauterine bonding and communication between mother and child, and how recent research in areas like psychoneuroimmunology has furthered understanding of this bond. Finally, it introduces concepts of social constructionism and how cultural assumptions shape definitions of motherhood.
Disability is a natural part of the human experienceLubna Nawaz
When parents learn that their child has a developmental delay or disability, it comes as a tremendous shock and trauma. Common initial reactions include denial, fear for the child's future, guilt, rejection, confusion, and depression. However, seeking support from other parents, communicating with family, learning about the condition, focusing on the child's humanity rather than the disability, and maintaining hope can help parents cope and provide the best support for their child. The key is accepting reality, finding programs and resources, and remembering that the child's worth is not defined by any condition.
The document provides information to new parents on caring for a newborn to help alleviate stress and prevent neglect. It covers topics like preparing financially for birth, choosing a safe car seat, different stroller options, understanding a baby's cries, identifying postpartum depression symptoms, and help resources like doctor contacts and crisis hotlines. The goal is to educate parents through the "basic care book" to help reduce stress and the high percentage of infant neglect cases.
This document discusses various factors to consider when deciding whether or not to become a parent. It explores choices about motherhood historically and in modern times due to advances in birth control. Parenting is described as a lifelong commitment that only the individual can decide if and when they are ready for. Both positives and challenges of parenting are presented. The document also discusses influences on the decision, different paths to parenthood like adoption and fostering, and personal anecdotes about deciding to have children or pursue adoption. The most challenging aspect of considering parenting according to the document is weighing all responsibilities and life changes involved against desires for freedom and spontaneity.
Children and Divorce
- Divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing for children of any age as they feel uncertain or angry about their parents splitting up.
- Parents can help their children cope with divorce by providing stability, attending to their needs with a positive attitude, and helping them express their feelings.
- Routines, reassurance of love, clear communication, and spending quality time with each parent can help children adjust and feel supported through this difficult time.
Top 5 Things You Should NEVER Say to Your Kidshoferjerome
Women often become entrepreneurs to have a flexible work schedule that allows them to spend more time with their children. While it's important to be careful about what we say to kids, being open and honest with them about things like mistakes, asking for help, and apologies can teach valuable life lessons and build trust. Sharing appropriate details about finances and other challenges with kids in an age-appropriate way prepares them for dealing with real-world issues on their own as adults. Seeking a coach can help ensure conversations with children are handled well.
This document provides information to help new parents prepare for and care for their newborn. It discusses preparing financially for maternity leave, choosing an appropriate car seat based on the baby's age and size, different types of strollers, understanding why babies cry and how to soothe them, recognizing signs of postpartum depression and getting help. The overall goal is to educate parents on essential newborn care tasks to help reduce stress and prevent neglect.
Our upbringing influences how we parent in several key ways:
- Our self-image and ability to make decisions are shaped by messages received from our family as we grew up. We may struggle with self-doubt or seek approval from others due to controlling parents.
- Conflict resolution styles are also impacted—some people yell to resolve issues if that's what they experienced at home, while others were taught to avoid confrontation.
- We tend to pick friends that fill the role we had in our own family, such as seeking a parental figure if we felt responsible for others as a child.
Little children trust their parents to understand things they don't and believe what their parents say is true. It is important for parents to handle their children's hearts prayerfully and with care. When children are in a contrary mood, parents should not ask them anything as they will say no to everything. Parents need rules but should not make more than necessary. Each child has a unique personality and needs to be dealt with according to their maturity level and individual characteristics. Parents should try to understand problems from their children's perspective. Parents must decide which rules cannot be broken and which can sometimes be relaxed, and these decisions are best made prayerfully. It takes wisdom to know when to encourage teenagers and when to agree with their decisions, as
Facing your dreams and Dreaming new Dream sfamilycafe2011Eliana Hurtado
This presentation provides guidance to parents receiving a diagnosis of special needs for their child. It discusses the initial mix of emotions upon learning the diagnosis and encourages parents to see their child as a beautiful baby first. The presentation then offers 12 tips for overcoming fears and limitations associated with a diagnosis. These include taking things one day at a time, prioritizing medical needs, scheduling self-care, involving the whole family, connecting with support groups, following your own instincts, showing love, contributing to help others, educating yourself and others, and reestablishing goals and dreams.
Tips For Talking About Adoption With Your ChildJudith Bell
This document provides tips for parents on discussing adoption with their children. It recommends keeping early explanations simple so children can understand. It suggests telling children their birth parents cared for them but could not care for them themselves, so they were adopted into a loving family. It also advises explaining adoption is not a punishment and children did nothing wrong. As children grow older, parents should be ready to discuss adoption more. The timing depends on including it naturally over time, waiting for children to ask questions, or bringing it up proactively. Speaking to other adoptive parents can help make these conversations easier.
Set high but reasonable expectations for children and demand responsibility in a loving way. Children should be given age-appropriate tasks to help at home and learn the value of work. Parents must lead by example and avoid doing everything for their kids. While correcting mistakes gently, parents should not accept excuses and should teach children to take responsibility for their actions through reflection and making amends. Perseverance is important to instill good habits.
This document provides tips for single fathers on protecting their parental rights. It advises never agreeing to give the child's mother sole custody and explains why. Sole custody gives the mother control and means the father would only have "reasonable parenting time", which is often poorly defined and results in little contact with the child. The document urges fathers to insist on joint legal and physical custody instead and have specific parenting time spelled out in court orders, rather than leaving it vague. It warns that agreeing to the mother having sole custody could severely limit the father's relationship with his child and make it very difficult for him to gain more custody rights in the future.
One look at the cover of my book and you know what the book is all about, there are no secrets here. I am a down-to-earth person, think logically and this is the product of my research and ideas. To read more, visit the website. https://www.heavenvsreincarnation.com/
This document discusses the concepts of heaven and reincarnation. It explains that in Hinduism, reincarnation is viewed as retaking a test if you fail, rather than begging for forgiveness. People must work diligently and persist if they want to achieve their dreams, as there are struggles and disappointments in life, rather than expecting things immediately. The document concludes by providing a website and contact information for those wanting to learn more about the choice between heaven and reincarnation.
Kids Turn Asilomar Training by Dr. Allison ThorsonGerard Corbett
This document summarizes research on how children are affected by discovering parental infidelity even if their parents did not divorce. It discusses factors such as how children learn about the infidelity, the attributions they make for why it occurred, consequences they experience, and their ability to forgive the unfaithful parent. The research presented examines how a lack of parental support and child control over private information influences perceptions and well-being. It also explores how children develop rules to manage discussing the infidelity within the family.
When a loved one dies, it can be difficult to know how to help kids cope with the loss, particularly as you work through your own grief.
How much kids can understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences, and personality. But there are a few important points to remember in all cases.
The document discusses how children of different ages will deal with divorce differently and what parents can expect from children in various age groups. It explains that very young children may exhibit changes in behavior, eating, sleeping and have trouble separating from parents. Children ages 3-5 will start asking questions about the divorce. Children 6-11 will likely know other divorced families and have more emotions like anger but may not understand their feelings. Older children ages 12 and up are more likely to understand divorce but may blame themselves or want more details about the marriage problems. The document advises parents to be prepared to address the unique needs of children based on their developmental stage during a divorce.
The document discusses the perception that being taken into care is damaging to children versus evidence that care can improve outcomes for neglected children. It summarizes that:
1) There is a long-held belief that care is catastrophic for children's futures, but extensive research shows that care, when used effectively, can improve lives and that some children left in neglectful homes experience worse problems.
2) Studies find that most children entering care have serious pre-care problems but their welfare improves over time in care, and outcomes are better than for neglected children returned home against the evidence.
3) An overoptimistic view that deeply inadequate parents can change leads to children being left too long in neglectful homes, despite research
Newborn Care was written for healthcare workers providing special care for newborn infants in level 2 hospitals. It covers: resuscitation at birth, assessing infant size and gestational age, routine care and feeding of both normal and high-risk infants, the prevention, diagnosis and management of hypothermia, hypoglycaemia, jaundice, respiratory distress, infection, trauma, bleeding and congenital abnormalities, communication with parents
This document outlines an agenda for a workshop about Child and Family Services. The workshop objectives are to learn 8 related vocabulary words and learn about Child and Family Services. Activities include reviewing vocabulary words like "neglect", "apprehend", and "foster parent". There is also a fill-in-the-blank activity to practice using the words. The workshop aims to educate participants about the purpose of Child and Family Services and how they can help children and families in need.
This document outlines an agenda for a workshop about Child and Family Services. The workshop objectives are to learn 8 related vocabulary words and learn about Child and Family Services. Activities include reviewing vocabulary words like "neglect", "apprehend", and "foster parent". There is also a fill-in-the-blank activity to practice using the words. The workshop aims to educate participants about the purpose of Child and Family Services and how they can help children and families in need.
This document provides a literature review on mother-child bonding. It discusses several theories on bonding, including attachment theory proposed by Bowlby, and separation-individuation theory proposed by Mahler. It explores bonding from both an evolutionary perspective and a psychological perspective. The review also examines intrauterine bonding and communication between mother and child, and how recent research in areas like psychoneuroimmunology has furthered understanding of this bond. Finally, it introduces concepts of social constructionism and how cultural assumptions shape definitions of motherhood.
Disability is a natural part of the human experienceLubna Nawaz
When parents learn that their child has a developmental delay or disability, it comes as a tremendous shock and trauma. Common initial reactions include denial, fear for the child's future, guilt, rejection, confusion, and depression. However, seeking support from other parents, communicating with family, learning about the condition, focusing on the child's humanity rather than the disability, and maintaining hope can help parents cope and provide the best support for their child. The key is accepting reality, finding programs and resources, and remembering that the child's worth is not defined by any condition.
The document provides information to new parents on caring for a newborn to help alleviate stress and prevent neglect. It covers topics like preparing financially for birth, choosing a safe car seat, different stroller options, understanding a baby's cries, identifying postpartum depression symptoms, and help resources like doctor contacts and crisis hotlines. The goal is to educate parents through the "basic care book" to help reduce stress and the high percentage of infant neglect cases.
This document discusses various factors to consider when deciding whether or not to become a parent. It explores choices about motherhood historically and in modern times due to advances in birth control. Parenting is described as a lifelong commitment that only the individual can decide if and when they are ready for. Both positives and challenges of parenting are presented. The document also discusses influences on the decision, different paths to parenthood like adoption and fostering, and personal anecdotes about deciding to have children or pursue adoption. The most challenging aspect of considering parenting according to the document is weighing all responsibilities and life changes involved against desires for freedom and spontaneity.
Children and Divorce
- Divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing for children of any age as they feel uncertain or angry about their parents splitting up.
- Parents can help their children cope with divorce by providing stability, attending to their needs with a positive attitude, and helping them express their feelings.
- Routines, reassurance of love, clear communication, and spending quality time with each parent can help children adjust and feel supported through this difficult time.
Top 5 Things You Should NEVER Say to Your Kidshoferjerome
Women often become entrepreneurs to have a flexible work schedule that allows them to spend more time with their children. While it's important to be careful about what we say to kids, being open and honest with them about things like mistakes, asking for help, and apologies can teach valuable life lessons and build trust. Sharing appropriate details about finances and other challenges with kids in an age-appropriate way prepares them for dealing with real-world issues on their own as adults. Seeking a coach can help ensure conversations with children are handled well.
This document provides information to help new parents prepare for and care for their newborn. It discusses preparing financially for maternity leave, choosing an appropriate car seat based on the baby's age and size, different types of strollers, understanding why babies cry and how to soothe them, recognizing signs of postpartum depression and getting help. The overall goal is to educate parents on essential newborn care tasks to help reduce stress and prevent neglect.
Our upbringing influences how we parent in several key ways:
- Our self-image and ability to make decisions are shaped by messages received from our family as we grew up. We may struggle with self-doubt or seek approval from others due to controlling parents.
- Conflict resolution styles are also impacted—some people yell to resolve issues if that's what they experienced at home, while others were taught to avoid confrontation.
- We tend to pick friends that fill the role we had in our own family, such as seeking a parental figure if we felt responsible for others as a child.
Little children trust their parents to understand things they don't and believe what their parents say is true. It is important for parents to handle their children's hearts prayerfully and with care. When children are in a contrary mood, parents should not ask them anything as they will say no to everything. Parents need rules but should not make more than necessary. Each child has a unique personality and needs to be dealt with according to their maturity level and individual characteristics. Parents should try to understand problems from their children's perspective. Parents must decide which rules cannot be broken and which can sometimes be relaxed, and these decisions are best made prayerfully. It takes wisdom to know when to encourage teenagers and when to agree with their decisions, as
Facing your dreams and Dreaming new Dream sfamilycafe2011Eliana Hurtado
This presentation provides guidance to parents receiving a diagnosis of special needs for their child. It discusses the initial mix of emotions upon learning the diagnosis and encourages parents to see their child as a beautiful baby first. The presentation then offers 12 tips for overcoming fears and limitations associated with a diagnosis. These include taking things one day at a time, prioritizing medical needs, scheduling self-care, involving the whole family, connecting with support groups, following your own instincts, showing love, contributing to help others, educating yourself and others, and reestablishing goals and dreams.
Tips For Talking About Adoption With Your ChildJudith Bell
This document provides tips for parents on discussing adoption with their children. It recommends keeping early explanations simple so children can understand. It suggests telling children their birth parents cared for them but could not care for them themselves, so they were adopted into a loving family. It also advises explaining adoption is not a punishment and children did nothing wrong. As children grow older, parents should be ready to discuss adoption more. The timing depends on including it naturally over time, waiting for children to ask questions, or bringing it up proactively. Speaking to other adoptive parents can help make these conversations easier.
Set high but reasonable expectations for children and demand responsibility in a loving way. Children should be given age-appropriate tasks to help at home and learn the value of work. Parents must lead by example and avoid doing everything for their kids. While correcting mistakes gently, parents should not accept excuses and should teach children to take responsibility for their actions through reflection and making amends. Perseverance is important to instill good habits.
This document is an excerpt from a book on post-divorce parenting strategies written by Rosalind Sedacca. It discusses several challenges that divorced parents may face, including co-parenting, conflicting lifestyles between parents, and dealing with acting out behaviors from children of divorce. The author provides advice and suggestions for addressing these issues in a cooperative manner focused on the children's well-being.
Raising children brings incredible joy and fulfillment, as well as frustration, uncertainty, and stress. Fortunately, God gives us guidance on how to be godly parents. This 21-day reading plan helps you bring God and His Word into your parenting. Devotions are selected from the Once-a-Day: Nurturing Great Kids Devotional by Zondervan.
This document discusses limiting beliefs and how to eliminate them. It describes how limiting beliefs form in childhood from messages absorbed from caregivers and experiences. These beliefs reside unconsciously and influence behaviors and ability to achieve goals. The author shares experiencing a limiting belief around money after undergoing a process with an NLP trainer to uncover buried beliefs. Daily dream discussion with a partner about having already achieved goals can help replace limiting beliefs with empowering beliefs by vibrating at the frequency of the desired outcome. Burning a written description of a limiting belief and keeping a description of the desired situation can also help release limiting beliefs.
TALKING WITH YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEPARATION AND DIVORCEMarcyXXXXX
1) It is important for parents to talk to their children about an upcoming separation or divorce before physically separating. This conversation should provide an explanation of what is happening and allow children to ask questions.
2) During the conversation, parents should agree to remain calm and contain their anger. Basic reassurance about continued love and caretaking after separation is important. Parents should work out interim living arrangements and plans for seeing each parent before talking to children.
3) Children want to know that the separation is not their fault, that they will continue seeing both parents, and that it is okay for them to love each parent. They will ask questions about continuing activities and living situations. Parents should reassure children they can ask more
Training for providers of children with special needsEliana Hurtado
This tranining has been created based on the New start training from Early Steps (State Early Intervention Program) to educate providers of children with special needs and community about respect and how is the life of family of a child or children with special needs.
This document provides guidance to help pregnant women decide what to do by considering their feelings, values, plans and options. It discusses the options of continuing the pregnancy and parenting, continuing the pregnancy and arranging an adoption, or ending the pregnancy through abortion. It prompts the reader to reflect on how they feel about being pregnant, their current plans and dreams, and their thoughts on each option. The goal is to help the reader clarify their feelings and make the best decision for their situation.
This document provides 10 tips for parents of teenagers to help them understand their teens better. It explains that teenagers want independence but lack maturity, so parents should give them freedom but also provide guidance. It stresses communicating positively with teens and treating them as individuals. The tips advise setting clear rules and boundaries for teens while also giving them space. It also discusses the importance of helping teens feel fulfilled through goals and understanding peer pressure. The overall message is that God understands teens' needs and parents can find help from Him.
This leaflet aims to gently inform people of an alternative perspective on life that has been kept secret. It discusses how we are all participating in a fascinating game, whether knowingly or not, and that some groups have kept the true rules of this game hidden. It provides recommendations for films, documentaries, websites and books that may help readers explore this perspective without trying to convince them of anything. The overall message is an invitation for people to play this game more consciously and join others in awakening.
This document provides recommendations for videos, films, and websites to learn about alternative perspectives on life that have been suppressed. It suggests searching YouTube for specific documentaries and comedians to find information on secret powers that control societies and keep people divided and fearful. The purpose is to invite people to consciously play the game of life and join others worldwide in waking up to these suppressed truths, regardless of background or beliefs. Nothing can overcome the power of love, and the more joyful and aware people become, the more powerful the "group consciousness."
Adoptive Families magazine has served adoptive families for over 30 years by providing authoritative parenting information. Each issue contains personal stories and advice from adoption professionals and parents. Readers consider the magazine a supportive community that understands their unique experiences. The magazine covers topics of interest to adoptive families like bonding, transracial adoption, and talking to children about adoption.
This document summarizes key points about recognizing issues with the psychiatric diagnosis and treatment of children. It notes that children are often selected for having "unacceptable" behavior and this leads inevitably to diagnosis and treatment. Treatment usually means prescription drugs, but these drugs like Ritalin are actually dangerous stimulants with many adverse side effects. The document argues that psychiatric diagnoses are not valid and the drugs do not truly help children but rather make them more obedient. It warns parents to recognize the oppression of "adultism" and be wary of those who emphasize a child's "potential" over who they are.
This document provides information on open adoption and discusses the potential pros and cons of open, semi-open, and confidential adoptions for birth parents, adoptive parents, and adopted children. It notes that no single type of adoption is best for every family and that the needs of each family may change over time. Resources for further information on open adoption are also listed, including books, websites, and options for speaking with counselors or other adoptive parents.
This document provides information for jurors about their rights and responsibilities. It emphasizes that jurors have the power to vote "not guilty" for any reason and cannot be punished for their verdict. It encourages jurors to exercise independent judgment and reminds them that they are above the law when deciding a case. The document seeks to educate jurors that they have an important role in holding the government accountable and protecting citizens' liberties.
This document provides poverty income guidelines for 2009 based on household size and income thresholds for various assistance programs. It lists the poverty levels for households ranging from 1 to 8 persons. Several federal and state programs then use percentages of the poverty level for eligibility, such as 130% for free school meals and below 185% for WIC. Sources are provided for the income guidelines and thresholds for different food, education, legal, and Minnesota assistance programs.
The document provides guidance for parents on how to respond if their child is being selected for psychiatric treatment and medication. It advises parents to recognize that their child is being labeled as having a disorder based on subjective judgments of their behavior not matching institutional standards. It warns that a diagnosis inevitably leads to treatment with psychoactive drugs that are dangerous and do not actually help children. The document encourages parents to remember the true nature of children, focus on relaxation instead of urgency, and view their child with delight rather than judgment.
This document discusses the history of adoption from antiquity to modern times. It describes how adoption practices have evolved over the centuries from emphasizing the interests of the adopter to focusing on family creation and the best interests of the child. Key points include that ancient civilizations like Rome and India used adoption to ensure cultural continuity, abandoned children in antiquity were often slaves, and the modern concept of adoption emerged in the 19th century United States as a way to find homes for orphaned children.
The document discusses the importance of humility over pride and self-promotion. It notes that God expects people to walk humbly with Him according to Micah 6:8. It uses King David as an example of humility, as he humbly accepted unjust criticism without defending himself according to Psalm 51:17 and 2 Samuel 16:5-14. Finally, it encourages embracing humility over pride and seeing equality in all people at the cross.
This document discusses the importance of kindness as revealed in Micah 6:8. It uses the biblical story of Joseph and his brothers as an example of amazing kindness, as Joseph forgave his brothers who had mistreated him and showed them mercy instead of revenge. The document encourages practicing kindness by following Joseph's example of not seeking revenge even when wronged, acknowledging God's sovereignty, and having room in one's heart for kindness once free from bitterness. It concludes by suggesting three practical lessons to learn from Joseph: not putting oneself in God's place, acknowledging God's hand in all things loosens bitterness, and freedom from revenge and bitterness allows for kindness.
This document discusses the rewards of living a life of integrity and obedience through the example of Daniel. It summarizes that Daniel served as a model of integrity during a time of corruption in Babylon. It outlines six rewards that accompany a life of integrity: developing exemplary character; a clear conscience; intimacy with God; leaving a legacy; mentoring others; and finishing well. The document encourages readers to become people of integrity in their own generation, as Daniel was in his.
Jackie Allred has been working towards her Bachelor's degree in History for 30 years while working full time and raising her two adopted children, Marissa and Alex. Her research paper focuses on understanding Marissa's emotional struggles with being adopted after Marissa found and contacted her birth parents. Through research on adoption forums and literature, Allred has come to understand that the experience of adoption affects all parties in complex ways, but the adopted child often reacts most strongly, though reactions vary significantly between individuals. Her goal is to help Marissa by gaining insight into the perspectives of adopted children and birth mothers.
Postadoption contact agreements allow for some contact between an adopted child's birth family and adoptive family after adoption. Approximately 23 states have laws permitting written, enforceable contact agreements. These agreements specify the type and frequency of contact between parties. The court must approve agreements and can enforce or modify them based on the best interests of the child. States address postadoption contact through enforceable agreements, non-binding agreements, or silence in their laws.
This document outlines the changing views that adopted children have about their adoption and birth families at different stages of development. Infants are focused on attachment to their caregivers, children ages 1-5 may begin to have questions about why they were adopted, children ages 6-12 start to understand adoption is permanent and different than birth family relationships, teenagers ages 13-15 often grapple with identity issues related to adoption, and older teenagers ages 16-19 are figuring out how to integrate their adoption into independent adulthood.
This document is a calendar for the year 2009. It lists the months of the year from January to December across the top. Each month is divided into four weeks and shows the days of the week and dates for that month. The calendar provides an at-a-glance view of the year and allows the user to see the days, weeks, and months.
The document provides an outline and study guide for a presentation about Gladney Center for Adoption. It includes background information about Gladney's history and services. It also discusses current adoption and teen pregnancy statistics in the US. The presentation outline then provides sample questions to ask an audience about adoption and teen pregnancy scenarios, to help educate others about adoption and Gladney's services.
This document contains quotes and passages related to babies, adoption, Christmas, families, and general inspirational messages. Many of the quotes reference God's love and gifts, the wonder and blessings of children, and finding joy through faith and family. Overall, the document provides a collection of short inspirational sayings about life's precious moments.
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More from Birth Mom Missions/ Liberty Dallas/ Girls4RonPaul (20)
1. What you should
KNOW
if you’re considering
adoption
for your baby
2. Get the facts.
unless you hear the negative aspects of adoption as well as the
positive. Following are the most common regrets birthparents have
voiced.
1. “I wish I had known that family preservation should
Far too many birthmothers look
come first.” Most experts on adoption agree that if a child can
back on their adoption experience stay in his first family, he should. Family separation is traumatic
and say, “If only I had known.” for everyone involved, and if there is a way to keep the mother
This brochure is provided in the and child together, it should be found. Single parenthood is not
inherently bad. Some people make excellent single parents, while
hopes that you will be able to others don’t yet have the necessary skills.
learn from women who have Adoption is a permanent solution to an often temporary
already placed their children for problem. For instance, consider how you will feel if you relinquish
due to money reasons, and six months down the road, you have a
adoption, who are living with the
results of that decision, and who Don’t apply a permanent solution
aren’t afraid to talk about the
to a temporary problem.
often painful realities of life as
a birthmother. good job that pays well. Or how you’ll feel if
you relinquish due to lack of family support,
and the same people who did not want to
B
help you raise your child are now saying,
ecause those of us in a crisis pregnancy are faced with
“We wish you'd kept the baby. We could
stress, fear and loss, we’re naturally prone to denial.
have helped you.” (Family members who are unhappy about your
That’s one thing that makes thinking clearly about
unplanned pregnancy will often do the most amazing turnaround
adoption so tricky. Another is that it’s very hard to accurately
once they meet the newborn baby.) Ask yourself why you’re
imagine what adoption will be like. You really don’t know until
questioning your ability to parent: is it the opinions of others or
you’ve done it—and in many states, once you give your right
your own deepest beliefs? Try to separate which of your problems
to parent to someone else, there is no turning back. We at
are time-limited from those that seem here to stay. Some problems
Concerned United Birthparents feel it’s the duty of every
are insurmountable and may mean adoption is the answer, while
birthparent to share what we wish we had known when
others can be fixed if you know where to turn. Explore every
we were considering adoption.
alternative before considering adoption.
The words that follow are not intended to be anti-adoption.
The fact is that adoption might well be the best plan for you and
2. “I wish I had known the extent to which adopted
your child—but in order to be a truly good thing, it needs to be
children deal with issues of abandonment.” Many adopted
a well-considered decision, made at least twice—once before
people, especially those in closed adoptions, report feeling
the birth, once after. Your decision will not be fully informed
3. abandoned by their birthmothers. While adoptees may be glad to parents might be the only ones who are kind to you during your
have been adopted, they are not happy to have been relinquished. crisis. You may find yourself wanting to please them.
(In other words, they see their adoption as two separate events: This is a mistake. No matter how much you like the pre-
being given up and being taken in.) It’s very adoptive parents, you must not put their feelings first. Their hopes
hard to accept that the most painful choice you and dreams exist independently of you and your baby. If you
make for your child might not be appreciated entrust your baby to them in order to make them happy, you’ve
by them. There are no guarantees your child will chosen adoption for all the wrong reasons. If you decide to parent,
like what you’ve done. Can you live with that? they may be heartbroken, but they can always go on to find
Don’t fall into the “martyr” mindset that you are another child. It is not your responsibility to “fix” someone else’s
doing something beautiful and noble for your child—you might be childlessness. The only people who should count in your decision
disappointed if the eventual adult doesn't see it that way. are you and your child. In the words of birthmother Shannon
Basore, “I can’t fully feel that I did what was best for my child,
3. “I wish I had known that I wasn’t carrying my child for because my focus at the time was providing this childless couple
someone else, and that it wasn’t my responsibility to help with a child of their own. And my grown child is angry about that.”
the infertile couples of the world.” Ideally, adoption is supposed
to be about giving a child a family, not giving a family a child, but 4. “I wish I had known that society dislikes and fears
sometimes that truth gets lost. birthparents.” Americans have extremely unrealistic views of
As a pregnant woman in a crisis situation, odds are you birthparents, painting us as either sinners or saints. Among the
desperately want to make things better. You may be under general public, a woman considering adoption is applauded as
enormous pressure, experiencing disapproval or shame. It’s being admirably unselfish in putting the needs of her child first.
natural that you will want to “fix” things and earn approval once But once the mother actually surrenders her child, she is looked
more, but it shouldn’t be done by trying to make a prospective down upon. After all, “who could give away their own flesh and
blood?”
Don’t concentrate on As adoption author Jim Gritter has noted, nothing can
the prospective adoptive prepare you for the plummet in your stock
parents’ hopes and you will notice once you move from
needs. This is between potential birthmother to birthmother. Often
the very same people who said you were
you and your baby. making a terrific, noble sacrifice
while you were pregnant might Don’t expect empathy.
adoptive couples’ dreams come true. now call you a heartless
It can be emotionally wrenching to look through the profiles of abandoner. What’s even worse is that you confront this mental
hundreds of waiting couples, all of whom seem so “deserving” of whiplash at a time when you are most vulnerable: grieving heavily,
parenthood when you aren’t even sure if you are. You begin to feel full of post-partum hormones, feeling completely alone in the world.
sad for each of them. You start to see yourself as the one who can People in general don’t understand the role of birthmother,
provide them with their most cherished desire. Furthermore, if your and even birthmoms in the healthiest of open adoptions, who feel
friends and family are not being supportive, the hopeful adoptive they made a great choice for their child, are sometimes unable to
4. talk about it without experiencing judgement. Those uneducated are preferable to lawyers or facilitators, but please don’t go to an
about adoption issues tend to avert their eyes when you try to adoption agency or a pregnancy counselor expecting that they
speak of your child, or whisper behind your back, saying hurtful will have only your best interest in mind. They do not, and
things like, “I could never give my baby away.” they cannot. Adoption agencies, like it or not,
Part of the reason the world fears birthmothers so much is have to make money to operate. The paying
that we show that the mother-child bond can be broken, at least client is the adoptive parent, so services are
outwardly and temporarily. If you choose to place your child for usually geared toward them.
adoption, get prepared for a lifetime of being misunderstood by
many and feared by others. Be realistic about what adoption agencies do.
5. “I wish I had known the ways in which agency Think about the conflict of interest that occurs when an
adoptions may be safer than private adoptions.” Lawyers agency is counselling you on whether or not to place your baby.
aren’t trained in human services, and they really don’t have any It’s the rare agency that can tell a woman, “Adoption doesn’t
business orchestrating the personal side of something so fraught sound like the best choice for you” when they have waiting lists
with lifelong psychological issues as an adop- of hopeful adoptive parents that are seven years long or more. As
tion. Let them stick to the paperwork. Do a result, many agencies are in the business of finding babies for
not do a private adoption unless you have homes instead of homes for babies. Be aware of this.
no choice, i.e., there are absolutely no Agencies aren’t the only ones with agendas. “I released my
reputable agencies in your area. If you daughter believing that letting her go was the noble, selfless,
must go private, take full control. Make mature thing to do,” says birthmother Terri Smith. “This was
sure you have your very own lawyer who is reinforced and validated over and over by a swarm of older
women I barely knew from the church I attended at the time. They
Know the pitfalls of private adoption. were all willing to point me toward adoption resources, but nobody
pointed me toward parenting resources. Within three months of
working for you and only for you. the adoption, the flock of women who had come to be my ‘friends’
Well-run agencies offer post-adoption support services for all while I was pregnant disappeared from my life. I have not heard
triad members, including mediation should your open adoption from them since. When it was time to grieve, they were not there.”
relationship start to go wrong. These services are invaluable, and During the time of your decision-making, you need unbiased
you will most likely need them. There are well-run agencies and advice from someone who is not a stakeholder in the outcome. If
there are poorly-run agencies. Talk to birthmothers about what you’re working with an agency, insist they give you a referral for
agencies they recommend and which ones they say to avoid. independent counselling to help you explore your non-adoption
And never, never choose your child’s adoptive parents from the alternatives. If you’re on your own, free pregnancy counselling is
Internet. sometimes available through crisis pregnancy centers (but be
aware—the center could be affiliated with an adoption agency or
6. “I wish I had known that professionals who say they a religious group.) Either way, if you can afford to see a therapist
are there to help you are in actuality serving the real client, on your own, do it. Look for one skilled in adoption issues. If you
the prospective adoptive parent.” We’ve just said that agencies cannot afford to see a therapist, use the internet to get in touch
5. with birthmothers who are actually living with adoption, and who thought you’d want before. (For example, adoptees want and need
can tell you honestly what it is like. Don’t rely solely on birthmothers to know their siblings. If and when you have more children, will the
who speak on behalf of agencies for all your information. adoptive parents be ready to allow the relationship?) We can’t
Sometimes these women are stuck in denial and will only tell you stress it enough: give
about the happy side of adoption because they haven’t yet faced Ask for the maximum. yourself an insurance
their grief. Get the full range of viewpoints, happy and sad. policy by asking for more
contact and openness than you think you’ll want. If you don’t ask
7. “I wish I had known that numerous internet resources up front, you’ll probably never obtain the kind of relationship that
exist for birthmothers and women in crisis pregnancies to find open adoption needs.
each other and talk.” It’s crucial to hear from all kinds of women Don’t forget: the balance of power shifts after the adoption,
who have gone before you. Next to reading books about at which time the prospective parents who have been courting you
adoption and looking into parenting resources, the single are now under no obligation to do anything for you at all. Interview
best thing you can be prospective parents long and hard about their commitment to
doing right now is talking
Do your research. openness. When all the adults involved work together, open
to birthmothers who are actually living the adoption is extremely positive for the child. Make sure the couples
experience. (The next most important thing is you’re considering “get it.” Assess whether they truly desire an open
talking to adult adoptees. Unfortunately, adoption relationship or are merely willing to participate. There is
many potential birthparents do neither, talking only a crucial difference.
to prospective adoptive parents.) The Internet is the
easiest, fastest way to find people who are living 9. “I wish I had known that in most states, open adoption
adoption. At the end of this pamphlet are listed some addresses agreements are not legally enforceable.” Many women choose
that can get you started. Use them! adoption based on the promise of openness, only to have their
trust violated when the adoptive parents become fearful and begin
8. “I wish I had known the difference between a truly open breaking their promises. That kind of betrayal can be devastating.
adoption and a semi-open one.” Too many people have fallen for It’s like losing your child twice. Some birthmothers have even
the lie that open adoption only means pictures and letters once a committed suicide in the wake of such
year. They’re never told that open adoption is about relationships, treachery. That’s why it is vitally impor- Know the laws.
and ongoing, reciprocal contact between birth and adoptive tant to know that you have little or no
families. Or they might know what open adoption is, but aren’t sure protection. In all but a handful of states, there is
that they should see their child, so they don’t ask for contact up nothing holding adoptive parents to anything that
front. And then they wind up with the kind of adoptive parents who they say prior to the adoption.
either reject them or who merely tolerate their presence instead of There are many variations of betrayal in open
welcoming them and appreciating them. adoption, depending upon the level of openness
This is a situation nearly impossible to that was initially agreed upon. Sometimes the adoptive parents
correct down the road. stop sending the promised pictures. Sometimes they go so far as
It’s very common to want more to change their names and move to another state. What typically
contact after the placement than you happens is an end to the promised visits. The excruciating grief
6. you’ll feel after a disappointment like that you need to rethink it in the light of your baby’s actual presence. As
is inexplicable. Don’t risk it—choose parents birthmother Heather Lowe notes, “Much of my adoption decision
that are truly committed to a lifelong, two- was based on denial—not
way relationship built on openness. knowing how I’d feel about the Leave yourself an out.
Make sure you’re committed, too. You as child of a man I did not love,
a birthparent can also betray the adoptive not knowing if I had the instinct for motherhood. All those worries
parents’ trust if you say you will be in contact vanished in the moments after his birth, but then it was too late.
with the child and later decide to drop out of Everyone thought I had ‘committed’ myself, and my state’s laws
sight. Genuine open adoption is done for the made sure there was no going back.”
sake of the child—it’s a responsibility, not a privilege. Remember, Heather made the mistake of thinking of herself as a birth-
you are vital in the life of your child no matter what, even if you mother while she was still pregnant. “I took on the identity of a
are no longer parenting. birthmother prematurely. Simply considering adoption doesn’t make
Regardless of what level of openness you’ve negotiated, you an instant birthmother. Pregnancy is parenting, and during that
remember, when you surrender your right to parent your child, time, you are a mother, plain and simple. Don’t emotionally detach,
you become a legal stranger. You’ll have as much claim to your because if you don’t mother your child in your womb, who will?”
baby as any person walking down the street— that is, none. Birthmother Brenda Romanchik adds, “The advice expectant
parents sometimes get from unethical agencies to ‘detach’ from
10. “I wish I had known there was no need to rush my their baby is completely ridiculous. After all, you can’t get more
decision; that it could have waited until after the birth.” In attached than an umbilical cord.”
some states, you have a small amount of time after the birth to Give it time. You will know more, in the days after meeting
change your mind. But in many more, irrevocable consents can be your child, about whether you have the parenting qualities you
signed immediately after delivery, right in the hospital bed! Fearful want for your child. If your decision to place your
pre-adoptive parents tend to like this type of arrangement because baby is based only on doubts and fears, rather
they’re virtually guaranteed a baby when birthparents are rushed than on cold hard facts like chronic addiction,
into signing without a chance to process homelessness, or a total inability to provide, then
Don’t rush it. all of the information. The laws in these you will most likely have a change of heart. (This
“adoption mill” states are highly unethi- is why having the prospective adoptive parents in
cal, but they flourish nonetheless. the delivery room can be such a bad idea; they
“Drive-through” relinquishments show that our make it next to impossible to change your mind.) Give yourself the
society does not respect the awareness of a freedom to savor your motherhood.
newborn baby. We pretend that if the switch-off is Finally, never sign papers in the hospital. Your state may
executed quickly enough, the baby will never know allow it, but it isn’t required, so do not do it. Adoption is a serious
what happened. Pre- and perinatal psychologists tell us, however, matter, one that should be finalized only in a courtroom or a legal
that this is not true. Your baby knows what’s going on. Conduct environment, not a recovery bed. Take your baby home from the
yourself knowing that your child is watching you, and move slowly hospital. Give parenting a one or two week try, so that you know for
and thoughtfully. Revisit your decisions at every turn. sure what it feels like and whether it is something you can manage
There is no hurry. Even if your initial decision is adoption, or not. Or consider a foster-adopt period in which you’ll have time to
7. feel the separation but will happens and then you go on with your life. It’s permanent, and it
Try parenting first. affects your life forever.”
maintain your legal rights to
parent. If you decide to surrender your parental rights, you may Placing your child for adoption profoundly and irreversibly
feel more at peace knowing exactly what it is that you gave up. changes your life. Subsequent children cannot replace the lost
Giving birth is truly a rite of passage. You become a mother, child and will not take away the pain. (In
and you are never “not a mother” again. That’s why so many fact, many birthparents may intensely Expect pain.
women who have considered adoption change their minds after revisit their grief during subsequent pregnancies and/or
the birth. Because you aren’t the same person after giving life, the birth experiences.) Family members rarely understand
experience in itself is information to be considered in your decision. your losses, even though they’re suffering too.
Birthparents often feel very alone, and true communica-
11. “I wish I had known how much I was going to love tion with others can become quite difficult.
my child.” Predicting the strength of mother-love can be quite a After the first years, the grief is not static; while never fully
difficult thing to do, especially for first-time mothers. Many new disappearing, it does ebb and flow. Certain times, like holidays
mothers express surprise at the overwhelming nature of the and anniversaries, are worse than others. Often joy and sorrow are
feeling—especially those who were encouraged to “disconnect” mixed: in an open adoption, each new milestone in your child’s life
and “detach” from their baby in the can bring fresh pain on top of the pride, while in a closed adoption,
womb, or who had troubled or non- reunions can sometimes bring new wounds in addition to healing
existent relationships with the birth- the old ones.
father. Even mothers by rape can
feel great love for their babies. 13. “I wish I had known that the effects of adoption are so
The feelings will take you by far-reaching.” Let’s look at the subsequent losses you might not
surprise. “I never imagined have considered: Your parents will lose a grandchild. You may lose
that I would miss or love my
Love grows much your relationship with your own grandchildren. Your nieces and
son as much as I do,” says bigger after the birth. nephews may have tough questions about why their
birthmother Su Parker. “I cousin isn’t with the family. Your subsequent children
continue to wonder if I will ever find a complete healing in this,” might fear that they will be given away. For medical
says Jennifer Maynard, also a birthmother. “It’s almost like or psychological reasons, you could suffer secondary
adoption is so big that you can only grasp little pieces at different infertility and never be able to have another child.
times. But one thing I have no problem understanding is that I (Some studies suggest that
Count up the losses. secondary infertility among
miss my son far more than I ever imagined.”
birthmothers can be as high as 40%.) You might lose your faith in
12. “I wish I had known that the pain of adoption never intimate relationships, making it harder for you to trust and to love.
goes away.” You can certainly live a happy and productive life Many of those you thought were your friends may judge and scorn
after a relinquishment, but there will always be a hole in your heart you for your decision. Depression and grief could derail your
and soul. The hole can’t really be filled. You just learn to live with it. productivity and your advancement in school or career.
“As a birthfather I’ve learned to live with a lot of pain and These are just a few examples. Consider all the potential
regret,” says Steve Davis. “Adoption isn’t something that just losses, not just the loss of your child.
8. 14. “I wish I had known that in putting my baby first, I Conclusion
didn’t have to put myself last.” It’s natural to want what is best
for your baby, but that doesn’t necessarily mean what’s best is to Nothing can prepare you for what it feels like to leave the
be apart from you. Do not discount your importance to your child. hospital empty-handed, milk running, crying like you will never
Experts view the new mother and baby as a “dyad,” that is, a stop. Do not underestimate what is in store for you should you
single organism built of two people. Newborn humans emerge from choose adoption. Perhaps the most important point is this: Never
the womb much earlier in their physical development than do many say “That won’t be me.” Don’t assume you will feel any differently
animals, and they aren’t able to survive on their own. A baby’s instinct from the birthparents who have gone before you. Trust the women
is to look for and depend on its mother, who is known by her smell who are living it now to describe what it will be like for you.
and her voice. So for the early months at least, what is good for you
is good for your baby. As long as you are not abusive or neglectful, We hope this information has helped you to understand
your baby wants to be with you. what it feels like to be a birthparent. As you
Don’t let any negativity about your “stupidity” or “carelessness” journey through your decision-making process,
in getting pregnant affect your self-esteem and keep reading, and keep educating yourself
cause you to relinquish simply because you until after the birth and beyond.
think you aren’t good enough. And don’t Most importantly, demand respect at
assume that a big house or wedding bands on every stage. If you encounter anyone (doctors,
the prospective adoptive couple’s fingers will nurses, social workers, prospective adoptive
make them better parents than you. Just ask parents) who doesn’t treat you like the expectant parent that
the birthmothers who have been let down by you are, or who doesn’t understand that considering adoption is
Refuse to sell yourself short. adoptive parents a parental decision over which you have full control, end the
who divorce, relationship immediately and find a new provider. This is the
experience various other human failings, or in the most horrible most important decision you’ll ever make. Consider it carefully.
cases, abuse or harm the children.
There are no easy answers in a crisis pregnancy, and often the
path isn’t clear. Even so, you owe it to yourself and to your child to find
the best possible solution for both of you. “It was the best thing I
could have done for my child, and the worst thing I could have done About the author
for myself,” says birthmother Andie Lewis. A happier outcome would
Heather Lowe was 27 when she gave birth to
have been to find a solution that was good for both of them. Try to her son. A writer in the field of public relations, Lowe
find a plan that helps both you and your baby. You’re both worth it. holds an honors degree in broadcast journalism
from the University of South Carolina. Since the loss
of her son, she has become active in adoption
reform. Her other interests include languages,
foreign travel, reading, horseback riding, animal
rescue, and spending time with her three dogs.
9. Internet Resources
For Further Reading
On Birthmothers
Birthmothers, Merry Bloch-Jones
The Other Mother, Carol Schaefer
Pregnant? Adoption is an Option, Jeanne Warren Lindsay About Adoption
A quick way to find just about anything you're looking for regarding adoption and
On Adoptees parenting resources. With message boards, too.
The Primal Wound, Nancy Newton Verrier http://adoption.about.com/parenting/adoption/
Ithaka, Sarah Saffian
Journey of the Adopted Self, B.J. Lifton
American Association of Open Adoption Agencies
On The Adoption Triad 69% of today’s adoptions have some level of openness, but what is a true open
The Family of Adoption, Joyce Pavao adoption? Investigate it further at this site, which also tells you why parenting
May the Circle Be Unbroken, Lynn Franklin
your own child should be your first option.
On Open Adoption http://www.openadoption.org/
The Open Adoption Experience, Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Lois Melina
Children of Open Adoption, Kathleen Silber and Patricia Dorner
The Spirit of Open Adoption, Jim Gritter Birth Psychology
Open Adoption Pocket Guide Series, Brenda Romanchik Understanding the feelings between you and your child at birth.
http://www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/adoption.html
On Prenatal Awareness
The Secret Life of the Unborn Child, Dr. Thomas Verny
Concerned United Birthparents
On Grief and Crisis
Includes links to many birthparent support pages on the web.
Living Through Personal Crisis, Anne Kaiser Sterns
Good Grief, Granger Westberg http://www.cubirthparents.org
Ambiguous Loss, Pauline Boss
On Single Parenting Effects of Adoption on the Birthmother
Operating Instructions, Anne Lamott This thesis is centered on closed adoption birthmothers, but much of it applies to
The Single Mother’s Survival Guide, Patrice Karst open adoption birthmothers as well.
The Complete Single Mother, Andrea Engber, Leah Klungness http://home.att.net/~judy.kelly/thesis.htm
General Adoption Works
A Ghost at Heart's Edge, Susan Ito and Tina Cervin, editors I NSIGHT : OPEN ADOPTION RESOURCES AND SUPPORT
The Dark Side of Adoption, Mirah Riben An organization offering resources and support for all triad members in open
adoptions.
http://www.openadoptioninsight.org
10. To order additional copies of this brochure, contact:
Concerned United Birthparents, Inc.
P Box 230457
.O.
Encinitas, CA 92023
800-822-2777
Fax: 760-929-1879
C o n c e r n e d U n i t e d B i r t h pa r e n t s , I n c .
w w w . c u b i r t h pa r e n t s . o r g