Courtesy Allan and Tonia Gooding

1. PARENTING
No. 30
November 2004 TIPS
Our Upbringing Affects Our Parenting.
Every person is unique, and the way a person relates to others, makes
decisions, resolves conflict, and views themselves is largely the result of
their family upbringing and the impact of different expectations.
Sometimes we are not even aware of how this The Way I Make Decisions
influences us today. In fact, it is not unusual to We’ve all heard the joke about ‘putting a person
learn that we must sometimes forgive our parents, in a room full of shovels and ask them to take
family members and friends for things that have their pick’. Well, for some of us, making even a
happened in our past that still influence us. relatively small decision causes us to break out in
a sweat.
Let’s take a look at some of the areas in our life
affected by our experience of family: For those of us who have grown up in a family
with a ‘high controller’, even after we’ve left
My Self-Image home, we find we constantly need the approval of
Naturally there comes a time where I have to take that person before we make a decision. We even
responsibility for how I feel about myself. This fall for the trap of transferring this expectation on
sometimes means letting go of negative or critical to our spouse or a good friend.
messages I received when I grew up.
Again, some of us fell uncomfortable making
List your strengths & acknowledge your decisions about career, relationships and money,
limitations – enlist a friend to help. Affirm those because we’ve been continually reminded of our
qualities, and this week do at least one thing which failures when we did venture out and make a
will reinforce that quality for you. decision on our own.
Another example could be, we procrastinate
before making a decision, because we hope things
will change or somebody else will make a
decision for us. This way we don’t actually have
to take responsibility for the outcome.
Make some decisions for yourself without having
to seek the approval of others. Just because the
decision backfires doesn’t mean you’re not
capable of making good decisions.
The Way I Resolve Conflict
Different styles of dealing with conflict become a
lot more obvious when two people get married.
One person may have grown up in a family where
the way to resolve conflict was to get the issue

2. out in the open by yelling and screaming at each If you were raised in a religious home, you were
other. If you learnt to resolve conflict that way, probably taught to “turn the other cheek” when
then it’s going to frustrate you enormously when someone offends you, takes advantage of you, or
your friend or spouse wants to sit down and hurts you. Although the bible says to “forgive
calmly talk it through. others and overlook their faults”, this doesn’t
mean you should accept abuse or allow people to
Unresolved conflict leads to ongoing pain. Try to walk allover you.
sit down with the person involved in the conflict,
and express how you feel without apportioning Learn how to confront in love. Part of setting
blame. Use a mediator. Remember, you can’t boundaries is enforcing them when they’ve been
change the other person, but you can change the crossed. If someone has taken advantage of you
way you allow that person to affect you. and you want them to stop, you have to speak out.
Obviously you need to choose the right time and
How I Choose My Friends place. Don’t ignore it.
As a result of being raised in a family that has
experienced consistent ups and downs, one Be your own best friend. Learn that it’s okay to
common danger is to look for a friendship where take care of yourself. Cultivate your spiritual
you can be ‘parented’. If you grew up being the relationship, set some new goals, and take time to
one to keep the family together, chances are you do the things you ant to do.
are most likely wanting to ‘parent’ your friend
rather than be a friend to. However, these Choosing not to forgive and remaining bitter or
friendships do not exist on an equal footing, as resentful towards your parents, family or friends
one either feels the need to have the final say, or for the destructive behaviours you developed, is
needs to fell needed by the other person. like saying, “I want to stay hurt”. However, if you
want to move forward, you need to do two things:
Reflect on what is important to you in the
friendships you have. If you can’t trust your Forgive yourself
friend, or you think you are becoming more You had a poor role-model, and didn’t know any
possessive, you need to make some changes. You better. Perhaps you knew you were wrong, but
might want to start by talking to a counselor. didn’t know how to change. You need to accept
your history ‘warts & all’, and realize that you
How Can I Make Sure Some Positive can’t change what has happened, but can change
Changes? what’s going to happen from this time on.
You need to realize that you can break this cycle
of behaviour. Your past doesn’t have to be your Forgive others
destiny. If you’ve never trusted yourself in Understand that those who hurt you have often
making decisions, then you can start by making been hurt themselves. Release them from any
some decisions about things that won’t hurt so responsibility to meet your needs. View others as
much, if they don’t turn out. tools of growth. Make reconciliation.
If you’ve always grown up being told you were
no good, then do some things which will tell you
the opposite. Take on a small project and follow
it through to completion. Identify some of your
strong points and limits, and do something where
they can be reinforced.
Source: http://www.families.org.au
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