2. A my
A DA M S
I don’t love this as much as I
think I probably should. Is there
something wrong with me or is
there something wrong with the
dress? The colour is great and it’s
perfectly tailored. Is it because her
hair is up? Does she need a
necklace? Do I wish it had little
sleeves or something?
3. Camila
A LV E S
While this is a little bit too 80’s for
me, I think Camila can get away
with something this regal, and the
blush colour is perfect for her.
5. Ve e l e
BA E T E N S
Veele is obviously from some kind
of faraway land. This whole look
is too casual, sandals included, but
because she’s so obviously un-
Hollywood it doesn’t matter. She
looks interesting.
6. Ireland
BA L DW I N
I seriously thought this was Kim
Novak at first. I don’t know why
Ireland Baldwin thinks she’s a
thing, or how she wrangled an
invitation to the Oscars, but this
dress is a hot mess.
7. C h r i s t i an
BA L E & S i b i
BLAZIC
Sibi is very pretty, but this frock is
blah.
10. Je s s i c a
BIEL
This is surprisingly tasteful. I
don’t even know why she was
there, but she looks unexpectedly
flawless.
11. Cate
BLANCHETT
While I don’t usually go for beige
dresses, Cate looks appropriately
magnificent. It’s hard to tell where
the dress stops and she starts.
She’s been wearing some weird
stuff lately, so I’m glad she
eschewed the avant garde in
favour of something timelessly
beautiful for this event.
12. Sandra
BU L L O CK
Another surprise.
Sandy nailed it for once.
13. Kristin
C H E N OW E T H
There’s still a lot of Gatsbyinspired fashion on the red
carpets of Hollwyood, and while
I’m not averse to frocks that
resemble the Chrysler Building,
this might be too blingy for me.
14. Glenn
CLOSE
As surely as the sun rises in the
East, at least one person is bound
to turn up dressed like Morticia
Addams.
15. Pe n é l o p e
C RU Z
It’s…puzzling. It looks like a vast
swathe of fabric that’s been
artfully draped and secured with a
ribbon. This is actually the best
picture I could find of it. From
the side it’s…more puzzling.
16. Viola
DAV I S
Fail. Which is a shame, because
her face and hair are perfect.
17. Po r t i a
D E RO S S I
Portia somehow finds the
weirdest, spongiest frocks.
18. Ju l i e
DELPY
Julie looks lovely. I’m relieved,
because she’s a normal person with
normal children, and as such she
some times looks harried and
underdone on the red carpet. But
she’s still got it. Incidentally I
haven’t watched , and will not
watch, Before Midnight. I’ve heard it’s
depressing, and I don’t want the
90’s ruined.
20. Je n n a
D E WA N TAT U M
This gown, like many others at
this event, belong in a category I
call “amazing pale sparkly pretty
ice-skating fairy dresses.”
21. C a l i s ta
F L O C K H A RT
Okay, it was hard to find a picture
of Calista in which she wasn’t
making a face like a fish. But this
dress is pretty nice, no?
22. Lady
G AG A
No, this does not qualify for the
“amazing pale sparkly pretty ice-
skating fairy dress” category.
23. Je n n i f e r
GARNER
I’m not a fan of showgirl-inspired
tiered fringe skirts, but I am glad
Jen is wearing something soft and
feminine, and her lighter hair and
pale skin are very pretty.
24. Anne
H AT H AWAY
I might just be over Anne
Hathaway. This really does
nothing for me, although it’s fine.
I guess.
25. Sally
H AW K I NS
Sally is kind of an eccentric, isn’t
she? She looks like a Russian folk
bride. Which isn’t necessarily a
bad thing, but this look would be
more flattering with a lower-cut
neckline.
28. Sarah
I S H AQ
I have no idea who this is, but the
conservative cut of her frock
balances the bling quite nicely. As
gold dresses go, this is one of the
better ones.
29. Angelina
JOLIE
I don’t know what to make of
this. I don’t particularly love
the dress (I’m pretty sure my
mum had a dress like this in
the 80’s, but with shoulder
pads) but the overall look is
undeniably lovely, and it
drapes beautifully.
32. Olga
K U RY L E N KO
The watermelon colour is divine,
and it’s refreshing after all the
gold and silver, but the slash
across the bust is a distracting
feature.
33. Je n n i f e r
L AW R E NC E
I think I might be officially sick to
death of Jennifer Lawrence. This
is so average. And she fell over
again. I’m really over the klutzy
neophyte shtick.
34. Je n n i f e r
L AW R E N C E
Okay, so she’s still cute and
approachable and so forth, but
I’m not withdrawing my criticism
of the outfit. I think she could do
better.
35. Jo h n L E G E N D &
C h r i s t i ne
TEIGEN
I have no idea who Christine Teigen
is, except that she is the girlfriend of
John Legend. To be perfectly honest
with you, I’m not even totally sure
who John Legend is. Am I supposed
to know that? I think this dress would
probably be more appropriate for a
nominee, but I can’t deny that it’s
beautiful. Looks like something you
would see at the MET Gala.
36. Maria
MENOUNOS
I was going to leave Maria
Menounos off the list this
year, because she’s just a
presenter and usually looks
pretty trashy. But she
surprised me by wearing
something really tasteful, so I
had to include her. You have
to reward good behaviour.
38. Idina
MENZEL
Idina is the broadway singer who
voiced the main character (?) of
Disney’s “Frozen” in a song called
“Let It Go.” I have heard this song a
total of one times and I already hate it
with a vengeance, so I’m not inclined
to look favourably on this WONKY
and ill-fitting dress in what is probably
a lovely shade of green.
39. Sari
M E RC E R
I’m sorry (I nearly wrote “Sari” but
I’m not confident enough to pull
off puns) that Lupita Nyong’o is
getting all the recognition for 12
Years a Slave when Chiwetel has
worked so hard in the industry for
so long and put in such a great
peformance (although I only
watched about half the movie
because I skipped the violent bits).
But his girlfriend looks gorgeous, so
there’s always that.
40. Bette
MIDLER
Wow, Bette looks amazing.
I would totally wear this. That’s
the first time I’ve ever said that
about a Bette Midler outfit.
41. Liza
MINELLI
Wow, I would totally wear this
too! If I was, for example, some
kind of intoxicated French clown.
42. L u p i ta
N ’ YO N GO
Perfect. My favourite look of the
evening, and everybody else’s too
I assume.
43. Ke l l y
OSBOURNE
I almost regret to say this, but it’s a
very nice frock. We can still hate her
hair, though.
45. Elsa
PATA K Y
I still think it’s a fake bump.
But in the event that it’s not, and
she actually is extremely pregnant
with at last one human child, this
is a very beautiful maternity dress.
The colour and fabric are lovely.
46. Sarah
PAU L S ON
She looks really sad.
If this was in a colour, it
might be pretty and she
might be happy.
47. Ja d a
PINKETT SMITH
This is an uncharacteristically
feminine look for Jada. I don’t
hate it, but someone needs to
have serious word to the women
of Hollywood about what to do
with their legs. Am I wrong in
thinking that they do not actually
have to be visible at all times?
48. Giuliana
RANCIC
Another princessy dress, and
while I don’t adore it, and can
never get past Giuliana’s overt
frailty, it is one of the prettier
things she’s worn.
54. R a ch e l
SMITH
As surely as the sun sets in the
West, at least two people are
bound to turn up dressed like
Morticia Addams.
But actually Rachel Smith (whom
I think we established at the
Globes is a nobody) looks very
pretty.
56. Charlize
T H E RO N
I miss the days when Charlize was
just a blonde person who starred
in films like “Mighty Joe Young,”
a movie I saw on a plane once.
Now she’s dating Sean Penn and
doing humanitarian work, which
is the point at which otherwise
down-to-earth people become the
unapproachable elite.
57. Ke r r y
WA S H I N G T O N
Okay, good points first: her hair
and makeup are lovely, and the
plummy lipstick looks great with
the silvery mauve of her dress.
Bad points: the dress itself, which
looks like a bedsheet.
58. Emma
WAT S O N
I hate everything about this. The
dress is far too sombre and joyless
for someone so young, the brick
red lipstick is harsh and ageing,
and her hair looks crazy…
59. Emma
WAT S O N
…this is what my hair looks like
when I wear it up all day and then
go to bed with it still half up
because I’m too lazy to brush it
and then wake up with it partly up
and partly down and partly all
over the place.
60. Naomi
WAT T S
Because of the colour, it’s hard to
find pictures of the detail of this
dress, but Naomi looks stunning.
She often goes for sleek white and
silver frocks, and this is one of
her best ones. The loose hair and
bright lipstick are fresh and
youthful. This whole look is
a win.
62. O l iv i a
WILDE
The gown itself isn’t
groundbreaking, but it doesn’t
have to be. She’s a very elegant
pregnant lady.
63. Pharrell
W I L L IA M S &
Helen
LASICHANH
Yes, men are wearing formal
shorts now. Don’t whatever you
do tell your husband.
64. Alfre
WO O DA R D
I’m sorry to end on this one,
because it’s so average. The detail
is overdone and horizontal stripe
of embroidery across the neckline
is a step too far.
