Golden Globes Red Carpet 2015

2. Primary
COLOURS

3. Amy POEHLER
Gorgeous dress in a
striking colour (and
POCKETS! Yay), but I
always feel like this
electric blue looks
better on pale
brunettes. Unfair?

4. Naomi WATTS
Flawless, really. But I
couldn’t bring myself to
put it in the “Best”
category. Maybe I don’t
like the blingy belt
buckle, or maybe I think
it needs cap sleeves.

5. Catherine Zeta JONES
Yeah, fine, whatever.
The top makes me
think of red leather
gloves, with no hands
in them. I suppose it
would be awkward if
there were hands in
them.

6. Cindy CRAWFORD
I mean, she’s not
really sticking her
leg out far enough.

7. Nancy CARELL
This would be
perfect if not for the
weird bunchy thing
at the waist.

8. Nancy CARELL
See? It’s like they
started draping the
dress and didn’t know
what to do with the
front, so they just tied
it up and trimmed off
the excess.

9. Natasha LYONNE
Natasha has a history of
substance abuse and
mysterious evictions, so
credit where it’s due:
there is nothing
remotely chaotic about
this very elegant frock.

10. Katherine HEIGL
Is it on backwards?
Also, she said on the red
carpet that she chose Zac
Posen because he knows
how to dress “curvy
people.” Why do you make
me hate you, Katherine
Heigl.

11. Blues, silvers, silvery
blues and bluish
silvers.
There was a lot of this going around. With
varying degrees of success.

12. Amy ADAMS
Amy should probably
go in the “Best”
category, but I
haven’t put her
there, because I was
ever-so-slightly
underwhelmed.

13. Reese WITHERSPOON
Again, this is
perfectly fine, but
just didn’t wow me.

14. This is the author of the book Reese’s latest film was
based on. The caption for the pic was “Cheryl Strayed
and Reese Witherspoon.” It almost sounds like a
sentence. I might be thinking of “Hey Diddle Diddle.”

15. Diane KRUGER
Even Diane Kruger
looks bored with
Diane Kruger. She
was making this face
in all the pictures.

17. Julianne MOORE
Julianne landed on a
few best-dressed
lists, but there’s way
to much going on
here for me. Ombré,
metallic AND emu
feathers?

18. Ellie KEMPER
Her smile is writing a
cheque that dress
can’t cash.

19. Amanda PEET.
Oh boy. Okay, look. I
actually love the dress,
but maybe not for this
occasion, and definitely
not with the homely
fringe and tragic
expression Amanda Peet
brings to every party.

20. This is a similar flowy
caftanesque frock worn by
Jaime King to some pre-
Globes event, just to
demonstrate where and
how something like this
could be pulled off with
aplomb. Amanda Peet
always lacks aplomb.

21. That BRASSY orangey
WATERMELON faded
RED tomato colour I
REALLY HATE.

22. Heidi KLUM
She has never looked so
brassy, in that her skin
literally is the colour of
brass. I know my hatred
of this colour is
irrational, but it always
looks so ‘Miss America
circa 1985’ to me…

23. Allison WILLIAMS
…not to mention the
associations with organza
Christmas ribbon.
Although, I have to say this
dress looked much better on
TV, and the colour was a
deeper, cherrier red.

24. Jane FONDA
I’m just not on board
with the whole Jane
Fonda phenomenon. I
feel like I’m supoposed
to love her because she
“looks great for her
age.” She always looks
very dated to me.

25. Allison JANNEY
Emma Stone did this
better. And before her,
Nicole Kidman.

26. Just in case you need
reminding.

27. Kate MARA
BELT?!?

28. Taylor SCHILLING
I don’t adore this – it’s a
bit too poufy - but I
certainly don’t hate it. It
fits perfectly, and the
saturated rusty red in
matte crepe is so much
classier than, for example,
Heidi Klum’s trashy dress.

29. Julianna MARGULIES
After my initial response
(EWW!) I decided the dress
is objectively lovely, but
the bouffanty updo,
diamond necklace and
matchy purse and shoes
spoil it. It’s all very Marge
Simpson.

30. Helen MIRREN
OKAY, Helen Mirren, you
are the exception to my
orangey-red rule. This is
just so sexy. And that’s a
pen for Charlie Hedbo
pinned to her sleeve.

31. Viola DAVIS
OKAY Viola Davis, you
can get away with it
too. Actually this is
more a pinky-strawberry
red, so it doesn’t really
belong in this category.

32. Interesting
COLOURS.
The diverse palette you see on the runways is
rarely reflected on the red carpet, so I’m
always delighted to see people taking some
risks and wearing unusual colours.

33. Hannah BAGSHAWE
Mrs Redmayne’s hair is a bit drab,
and maybe she needs a necklace,
but I actually love the dress, and
the olive green. It’s surprising,
understated, and it complements
Eddie’s ginger hair. She’s not
trying to outshine her famous
husband, and it works in her
favour.

34. Felicity JONES
The internet is making
me feel bad for not
loving this more. I adore
the teal, and it’s
perfect for her
colouring, but the weird
neckline is weird.

35. Katie HOLMES
I have a blind spot for Katie Holmes,
so I don’t trust my objectivity. I don’t
know if it’s because of some lingering
affection for Dawson’s Creek, or
respect for divorcing L. Ron Hubbard
while retaining custody of the kid. But
either way (and creases aside) this
plum frock impresses me.

36. Jessica LANGE
More unfortunate
creases, but a lovely
dress in a pretty
raspberry shade. I have
a soft spot for sleeves
that look like origami.
Her hair is effortlessly
cute, too.

37. Jessica CHASTAINE
Jessica didn’t quite make it onto
my best-dressed list. I don’t
know if it’s the shiny fabric or
just a case of plunging-neckline-
fatigue, but it doesn’t thrill me,
despite the perfect draping and
immaculate hair.

38. Jenna Dewan TATUM
There were at least
three yellow frocks, and
somehow they all ended
up in different
categories. This lemony
one is very sweet.

39. Gillian FLYNN
Gillian (as you probably
know, but I didn’t) is the
author of ‘Gone Girl.’ Her
gown is a lovely colour,
but a size too small, and
maybe not terribly
flattering below the waist.
She did pretty well for a
Normal Person, though.

40. Christine BARANSKI
The petal-shaped
cutouts do nothing
for me, but the rich
oxblood shade is one
of my favourites.

41. Maura TIERNEY
Maura always seems
bored to me, but I think
that’s just the way her
face is. The cut and
colour of the dress is
probably lovelier than it
seems at first glance.

42. MEH.
The category for people who
just looked all right.

43. Amal CLOONEY
As the internet has
widely observed, Amal
Clooney is too good for
the Globes. But those
gloves are not good
enough for Amal
Clooney.

44. Here she is looking lovingly at George
Clooney. I actually love her. She is a
woman with an education, which
makes me think that I, too, could be a
woman with an education.
One of my favourite quips of the
night (at least in the half hour I
could bring myself to watch) was
by Tina Fey:
“[Amal is a] human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, an
advisor to Kofi Annan on Syria, and was appointed to a three-person
commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So
tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award.”

45. Emma STONE
I have a blind spot for
Emma too, because of
her great name, great
hair, and great
personality. These are
not great pants. But she
looks cute as a button
anyway.

46. Here she is from the
side, still looking
cute. If she wore a
garbage bag, it
would probably
make me want to go
out and buy a
garbage bag.

47. Greer GRAMMER
I don’t really know what
show she’s in. I suppose
this dress was incredibly
pretty in real life, but I
feel like I’ve seen it a
million times on a
million similar blondes.

48. Emily BLUNT
Emily seems to end up on
everyone’s ‘best dressed’ list
by default, but I did not like
this. I think there was way
too much flesh showing in
general last night, so I’m
really sick of the cut-out
trend. Her hair looks matted
and unwashed, and her
makeup is a bit harsh.

49. Laura CARMICHAEL
In the whole last season of
‘Downton Abbey,’ which I
halfheartedly hate-watched,
Lady Edith just moped around
looking depressed the whole
time. So at least she’s
smiling. But the starfish dress
is pretty ordinary.

50. Here is Lady Edith looking
depressed.

51. Ana FARIS
Just so boring.

52. Camila ALVES
Mrs McConaughey usually
brings it. The dress is fine,
and she looks great in pink,
but her hair is a couple of
inches too tall, and the
blonde streaks are
completely unnecessary.

53. Amelia WARNER
Amelia Warner,
demonstrating the “bell”
effect created by mullet-
dresses, with a dropped
waist, a frill, and some
dirty feathers to
exacerbate the whole
catastrophe.

54. Felicity HUFFMAN
Fliss actually looks pretty
great here. I just hope
those side panels aren’t
actually transparent. I’m
tired of always knowing
whether people are
wearing underwear.

55. Gwyneth “Consciously
Uncoupled” PALTROW
Did I mention that I hate
transparency? In governments,
fine. In frocks, not so much.
I’ll add a couple of points for
unflattering lighting, but
deduct two for the beachy
hair and bubblegum pink.

56. Emmanuelle CHRIQUI
This has been done before,
and better.

57. The ANISTON-THEROUX’s
I don’t know if Jen was drunk or
what, but on the red carpet,
with that bronzy tan and
sequinned halter-neck dress
with a thigh-high split you can’t
see here, was very much the
‘sassy broad’ of the night. They
look cute though…

58. …and I respect her decision to
be the ‘anti-Jolie’ that
Hollywood sorely needs. She
does a lot for charity, but
you’ll never see her posing
beatifically in a hijab.

59. Julia LOUIS-DREYFUS
She did the white dress
better in 2006:

60. Kate BECKINSALE
The dress is very
bridesmaidy, and not in a
good way. But the real
issue I have with Kate
Beckinsale is her devotion
to the teased updo. It
often verges on beehive
territory.

61. WHY,
Kate
Beckinsale?

62. Liana VASQUEZ
Sweetie, I know it’s an ugly
dress, but if you’re going
to wear it, you have to
SELL IT.

63. LORDE
Bless her for wearing
pants, but if it weren’t for
the crop top she’d look
like a realtor. And the crop
top must die. I also really
hate that song she wrote.

64. Louise ROE
Louise is some kind of
presenter. She always turns
up to things, and I always
make a mental note to find
out who she actually is and
what she’s doing there.
Maybe next year. This looked
nice on the red carpet. The
makeup isn’t great.

65. Maggie GYLLENHAAL
Maggie is pretty much
wearing Pantone’s
nondescript and universally
despised colour of the
year, “Marsala.” The dress
is blah, and I don’t know
why she clings to this
unflattering hairstyle.

66. Michelle MONAGHAN
I guess this is fine, it just
looks like something
Gwyneth Paltrow might
have worn in the mid-to-
late nineties, while dating
Brad Pitt or promoting
‘Sliding Doors.’

67. Sienna MILLER
This would be lovely with a few
tweaks. There really were a lot
of very-deep-V’s on the red
carpet this year, and I’m
concerned that it’s becoming the
norm. How much lower can they
go? But I would have given the
plunging neckline a pass if not
for the transparent mesh at the
sides and back. It’s overkill.

68. Renee RUSSO
Ill-fitting, creased,
scrunchy and drab. Which
is a shame, because she
looks spectacular from the
neck up.

69. BEST
I was going to put all these at the
end, but I was concerned that I
was getting too cynical.
Sometimes you have to break
the cycle.

70. Anna KENDRICK
I don’t usually go for these
neutral netting things with
embellishments, but I love
this. I think it’s my
favourite look of the night.
She looks polished and
elegant – no navels or fake
tan in sight!

71. Benedict CUMBERBATCH,
Sophie HUNTER-CUMBERBATCH
And introducing
Unborn Baby CUMBERBATCH.
THE CUMBERBATCHES!
This Erdem might be
controversial, I don’t know. I’m
too scared to ask the internet,
because I actually love it.

72. Dakota FIFTY SHADES
(I can’t remember).
Personally I think this is a
more successful metallic
dress than Reese
Witherspoon’s very safe silver
sheath. Or maybe it’s
because she’s a pale
brunette, and I automatically
assume they have more class.

73. Jessica Parker
KENNEDY
I have no idea who this
is. Her name sounds
like a mash-up of
various other famous
people’s. But her dress
is very chic.

74. Joanne FROGGATT
I couldn’t find any really
detailed pics of her dress. I
guess nobody expected her
to win. I actually loathed
the episode of “Downton
Abbey” she won for, but
her gown is really
beautiful.

75. Julia GOLDANI
She’s apparently some kind of
actress. This might be a bit
out of left field, but I love
the vivid blue with her
almost-goth colouring and
dark red lipstick. She looks
original. It also fits perfectly.
Good use of mesh!

76. I’m NOT TELLING.
This is a person with bad
hair, who usually doesn’t
look this good. But if you
forget about her hair, you
can’t NOT approve of this
very flattering navy dress
in matte fabric. MATTE,
Heidi Klum. Not everything
has to be shiny.

77. Leslie MANN
I pretty much always think
Leslie Mann is a ray of
sunshine, even when she’s
not literally dressed as a
ray of sunshine, as she is
here. She just seems so
fun.

78. Salma HAYEK
I know this is maybe a bit
bridal, and I loathe the
matching clutch with the
heat of a thousand Leslie
Mann’s, but she looks so
fresh and youthful, I just
thought “OOOH! Ahh.”

79. Lupita NYONG’O
I have a feeling Lupita’s
frock will prove
controversial too, but I
love it. It might be because
I love her, but I’m okay
with that.

80. “OOOH! Ahh.”

81. WORST.
…aaaand we’re back
to the cynicism.

82. J LO
EWW.

83. UUUGH.

84. Kate HUDSON
See, this is what I mean.
It’s just plunging necklines
and cut-outs all over the
place. I feel like we’ve
actually regressed. In fact,
this Versace is just like
that other Versace…

86. Giuliana RANIC
There was an awful lot of
fake tan around at this
event. But I can’t really
comment on that, or the
ugly pink dress, because
she just looks so
painfully ill.

87. Tiziana ROCCA
I would have no qualms
whatsoever commenting on
this, but I am actually
speechless.

88. Jemima KIRKE
In costume as some kind of
cult member from the
sixties.

89. Katie CASSIDY
I don’t know who you are,
young lady, but it’s LEGS or
CHEST,
NOT BOTH.

90. Melissa McCARTHY
Melissa actually
admitted to piecing
this…outfit?...together
from things that already
existed in her wardrobe.
So that explains that.

91. Chrissy TEIGEN
John Legend’s girlfriend in
a frock that isn’t lined. It
would be passable if not
for the unfortunate optical
illusion. It really looks like
a nappy, doesn’t it.

92. Lana DEL RAY
Lizzie Grant, in costume as
Lana Del Ray.

93. Laura PREPON
Why does
someone always
do Morticia
Addams?

94. Ruth WILSON
I really hate this, although I’ve heard
others like it. I rarely approve of the
turtleneck/sleeveless combo, and the
pea-green colour combined with that
superfluous diagonal stripe across the
hips…ugh. If Hannah Bagshawe
represented green-done-right, Ruth
Wilson is the was the poster-girl for
green-gone-wrong.

95. Zosia MAMET
She literally looks like one
of those cakes with a doll
in it. And is her hair GREY??

96. Lena DUNHAM
None of the ‘Girls’ girls
really got it right (do they
ever?) but I couldn’t help
noticing Lena was
extremely friendly and
cheerful on the red carpet,
just like a normal person.

97. Claire DANES
Well, this is just plain awful. I
could potentially handle the
skirt with a completely
different bodice in a plain,
coordinating fabric, but this
baggy top with acres of loose
black chiffon is abominable.

98. Kristen WIIG
Oh Kristen Wiig. You are so
funny, and I want you to
host all the things. But
what were you thinking,
Kristen Wiig.

99. Robin
WRIGHT-NOT-PENN
I’m adding Robin to the
Tilda Swinton list (ie.
celebrities I’m frightened
of).

100. Tina FEY
I’ve actually never seen
anything like this on the
face of the earth.

101. Patricia ARQUETTE
I always despise these very
fussy, awkward, restrictive
gowns in stiff taffeta. This
one is creased, ill-fitting
and joyless. Which is a
shame, because she won.
Sack the stylist, Trish.

102. Kerry WASHINGTON
From the waist up it’s lovely, but
why do celebrities keep wearing
these dresses that truncate the
legs? Her little feet don’t even
look like they’re attached to the
rest of her. And the shoes (are
they red and black?) don’t match
anything.

103. Keira KNIGHTLEY
Wow, this was a rare miss for
Keira. I actually love the fabric
with the feathers and
butterflies, but the Puritan
collar and prairie hem are
simply awful. I’m blaming it on
pregnancy-brain.

104. Taryn MANNING
Why does someone always do
Wednesday Addams?

105. Rosamund PIKE
Last - and definitely least - Rosamund
Pike takes first place with what
people are calling a “nursing dress.”
There is no excuse for this monstrous
frock. Moving around on the red
carpet, she looked basically naked
from the waist up, and the pointless
display of flesh was not flattering.
Apparently Vera Wang said “leave it
to me darling, I know how to dress
women who have just given birth.”

106. Clearly Vera Wang lied, because this
doesn’t flatter Rosamund’s figure at all.
It just exposes as much of it as legally
possible. This hideous frock gave Ryan
Seacrest an opportunity to say something
like “how courageous you are to show so
much flesh after just having a baby.” He
literally used the word “flesh.” In fact,
all the positive comments were about
Rosamund’s “post-baby body,” which is a
really icky state of affairs. She’s so
beautiful, and she should have dressed
accordingly.

107. Just to end on a high
note, here is a picture of
a person called “margaret
Qualley” in a nice green
dress at a Globes after-
party. She looks
depressed, but I don’t
think she is.