1. Aaron Paul &
Lauren Parsekian
These two are really
cute, and they‟re
married, and they really
like each other. He calls
her his “Little Bird.”
Which, you
know, awwwww.
Her dress is lovely; fits
perfectly and suits her.

2. Allison Williams
This is a miss for me.
And her eye makeup
frightens me.

3. Amber Heard
Somebody drove to the
awards ceremony with the
top down on her Mustang!
The dress might have
been a classic if not for
the ludicrous split and the
weird hair.
(Her Mustang is not
actually a convertible. Just
pretend it is).

4. Amy Adams
Maybe too much like an
actual costume from
American Hustle? I like the
unusual combination of
colours, and she does look
really cute, but I‟m not in
love with the top half.
(Top quarter? Top
eighth?)

5. Amy Poehler
Asymmetry gone awry.
She looks great
generally, I just feel like
she put this on wrong.
Like those convertible
jersey dresses everyone‟s
making now (“wear it 12
ways!”). I just know I‟d
struggle with it in vain for
half an hour and then end
up wearing it as a turban.

6. Anna Gunn
Gorgeous, fits perfectly, I
can‟t find a fault with it; I
don‟t know why it doesn‟t
wow me. Am I wrong?

7. Ariel Winter
Ariel Winter is 15, and her
sister has custody of her
because her mother is a
bad person. So I‟m
worried that she has no
one to (a) iron her clothes
and (b) teach her to
wrangle her generous
bust. Someone other than
Sofia Vergara.

8. Aubrey Plaza
I may say this every
awards season, but I don‟t
get Aubrey Plaza. Her
sarcastic shtick is
unfunny. I‟ve tried
watching Parks and
Recreation, and I just don‟t
find it amusing. I feel the
same way about this
glorified prom dress.

9. Berenice Bejo
No, nope, absolutely not.
Did it used to be a
BLAZER??

10. Caitlin Fitzgerald
I don‟t know who this
person is, but I actually
kind of love this. I think I
shouldn‟t, but I do. It
looks like something
January Jones would wear
- on the set of Mad Men.
Bonus points for the
random hit of coral and
the stripey shoes.

11. Cate Blanchett
Not one of my favourite
looks from our friend
Cate. I love that she
always brings the quality
on the red carpet, but
sometimes she errs on the
side of joylessness. This
might be less avant garde
(and more palatable) with
a low neckline.

12. Catt Sadler
I don‟t know who Catt
Sadler is, or what purpose
the second „t‟ in her name
serves, but I‟m getting
really tired of people not
wearing underpants. This
would be pretty if lined.
Lined!!

13. Drew Barrymore
I like seeing pregnant
women on the red
carpet, because they tend
to look more normal and
human by virtue of the
fact that their cheekbones
aren‟t jutting out.
Drew looks glorious, and
her dress is happy and
pretty and fun.

14. Edie Falco
Edie came in a drawstring
bag!

15. Elisabeth Moss
I have no quarrel with
this.

16. Emilia Clarke
This puzzles me. The
pattern, from here, looks
like TV static, with blurry
patches. I want to adjust
my monitor. The shape of
the dress is fine, but my
emotional reaction to the
look overall is one of
confusion.

17. Emma & Gaia
Thompson
Emma has been
EVERYWHERE
lately, and I just love
her, because she‟s so smart
and funny and unHollywood. So I‟m going
to overlook this motherof-the-bride misstep. She
doesn‟t look terrible.

18. Emma Roberts
If someone has to do the
Morticia Addams thing, it
might as well be Emma
Roberts. I do love the
neckline and the turquoise
earrings. Fishtail hems
always make my think of
octopuses, but she looks
modern and elegant. At
least Kelly Osbourne isn‟t
wearing it.

19. Emma Watson
I‟ll illustrate my initial
reaction to this
sequentially, with
emoticons:
1.
2.
Oh! This is…
…wait, is that…can it
be navy tights??
3. No, I think it‟s pants!

20. Emma Watson

21. Giuliana Rancic
Yeah, whatever. NEXT!

22. Hayden Panatierre
Hayden had to pay for
this Tom Ford, because he
only dresses one person
per awards show. At least
that‟s his excuse. It‟s hard
to judge her frock
objectively because of the
frightful hair. But I don‟t
think it‟s worth the
$10,000 she paid for it.

23. Heidi Klum
At first I thought the
dress wasn‟t too
bad, despite the choppy
mullet and the grungy
choker. But then…

24. NO UNDERPANTS
AGAIN.
How did the side of a
person‟s backside come to
be considered worthy of
display?

25. Helen Mirren
While I don‟t love the
bunchy (tulle?) neckline,
and the shade of green
may be a little too gaudy,
she looks absolutely
amazing in it, so I
wouldn‟t insist that she
change anything. Her hair
is cute, too.

26. Jacqueline Bisset
Something about this
whole look, spiky fringe
included, makes me think
of David Bowie in
Labyrinth.
Also, she was totally
drunk when she gave her
acceptance speech.

27. Jemima Kirke
and…Friend
Speaking of drunk
people, Jemima Kirke
always looks inebriated.
These people are both
suitably dressed for some
kind of night-time hipster
barbecue.

28. Jenna Dewan
Jenna Dewan is Channing
Tatum‟s wife (ie. a
nobody), but she looks
like an a-lister in this
interesting dress. There
were a few graphic black
and white frocks on the
red carpet, and they look
amazing. Except Heidi
Klum‟s.

29. Jennifer Lawrence
Love Jennifer Lawrence, hate
the dress. Dior is intent on
dressing her – for every awards
ceremony – in the most
ordinary dresses they can
throw together. They also
habitually put her in
voluminous ballgowns that cut
in below the backside, for
some reason.

30. See? WHYEEE?
It looks like something
that was hastily cobbled
together at the last minute
with a bedsheet and a
couple of yards of black
ribbon.
Love the haircut. BUT
THAT IS ALL.

31. Jessica Chastain
She was absolutely
everywhere for a
while, but I guess she‟s
been on holiday. This
look is unremarkable. I
feel like we‟ve seen her in
it before. And maybe
black isn‟t her best colour.
But it‟s fine.

32. Joanna Newsom and
Andy Samberg
I don‟t really get Joanna Newsom. I
find her voice weird and affected.
But everyone else thinks she‟s
amazing. It‟s like an Emperor‟s
New Clothes thing. Which is
probably the title of her next album.
She actually looks lovely
here, although I probably would
have gone with either the flounce or
the frilly sleeves, not both. She
looks like a Spanish doll.

33. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Meh.

34. Julia Roberts
This has to be among the
worst of the evening. It
looks like she purchased a
generic black strapless
dress and wore it over a
basic white dress shirt.
The sparkly belt doesn‟t
make it better.

35. Julianna Margulies
I wasn‟t totally sure about
this at first (I thought it
might be too stiff and
puffy), but on the red
carpet it had more
movement and she looked
really striking. Her hair
was cute, too. And
there, as always, is her
swoonworthy husband in
the background.

36. Julie Bowen
Julie Bowen always looks
utterly mad. If I picture
this dress on someone else
though, I think it has
merit. The velvet bodice
and ruched sleeves are
really pretty, and the
combination of three
jewel tones is surprising.

37. The original is prettier:
the fabric used for the
skirt looks more drapey. It
might have looked better
on a pale brunette, like
Emilia Clarke or Michelle
Dockery.

38. Julie Delpy.
Time for a stylist. Her
hair looks a bit sad, too.

39. Kaley Cuoco
Kaley simply doesn‟t have
an innate sense of
elegance. Her hair and
makeup are too “rock
chick” and her dress is too
“mildewy shower
curtain.”

40. Kate Beckinsale
Kate so often opts for the
strapless fishtail gown
and the high ponytail. It‟s
a signature style that lacks
originality and maybe
isn‟t terribly flattering. I‟d
love to see her with her
hair out, or maybe in a
side-swept wavy bob.

41. Kate Mara
The deep U-neck isn‟t
pretty, and the blonde hair
is terrible. It and the pale
beigey-silver fabric sap all
the colour out of her face.

42. Kelly Osbourne
This is the exact
expression on my face
right now.

43. Kerry Washington
Not one of Kerry‟s more
exciting looks. The
dishwater grey shade and
over-vest-thing fastened
with a brooch is awkward.
She looks like a cartoon
beetle.

44. Kristen Connelly
Fine, but how many times
to people need to be told?
Legs or bust, not both!

45. Kristin Chenowith
I like the concept and
colour, but this one
doesn‟t have enough
bust/legs! It almost looks
like a turtleneck, which
makes me think of Star
Trek. A wider or lower
neck might have made all
the difference.

46. Kyra Sedgwick
I‟m not a fan of the
“sporty formal dress”
look; anything that
resembles the kind of
tailoring you‟d find on a
swimsuit or something
you‟d wear the gym. But
this may be partly due to
the fact that I don‟t
frequent gyms, and resent
those who do.

47. Laura Carmichael
Hmm. It fits right, but
the details are off.

48. Laura Dern
Laura looks very weird
here. I‟m not sure if it‟s
the thinness or the big
brassy hair or the beige, or
the pattern that at a
glance resembles leopardprint, or all of the above.
But I‟m underwhelmed.

49. Lena Dunham
I‟m really sick of
talking/hearing about the
way Lena Dunham looks.
Not on moral grounds, just
because I‟m thoroughly
bored by it all. I actually
think she looks pretty great
here. The colour is
gorgeous, and her hair and
makeup are flattering.

50. Leslie Mann
The frilly peplum does
nothing for me, and Leslie
usually has more fun with
colour, but I can‟t help
always finding her
adorable. Maybe a chunky
turquoise necklace or
something would have
made this look more fresh
and modern?

51. Lily Rabe
I don‟t know who Lily Rabe is.
Could I have Googled it in the
time it has taken me to type
these words? Possibly.
This is quite lovely, but I‟m
just not thrilled about the
black-mesh-over-nude-lining
look that all the kids are doing
these days. It always looks
dingy from a distance.

52. Lizzy Caplan
Lizzy obviously hit her
head and woke up in the
80‟s.

53. Louise Roe
Louise Roe is some kind
of presenter. Which is
probably ideal, as this
dress screams “D-List.”
The cut-outs and hideous
orange sherbet shade
remind me of cheap
clubwear, a dress code
which really shouldn‟t
even exist.

54. Lupita Nyong‟o
I‟m not usually into the
cape thing (*ahem*
Gwyneth Paltrow *cough*)
because people shouldn‟t
dress as superheroes unless
they are. However, Lupita
obviously is some kind of
superhero, and looks
stunning in this vermilion
frock.

55. See? She is obviously
about to fly away and
fight crime. She is no
mere mortal. Easily one of
the best looks of the night.

56. Margot Robbie
Margot is an Australian
soap actress or
something, and just
starred in The Wolf of
Wall Street, a movie I‟m
never likely to see. She
looks lovely, if a bit
generic-Hollywoodactress.

57. Matthew
McConaughey and
Camila Alves
Not one of her best looks
(we‟ve seen this dress so
many times before on so
many people), but she‟s
beautiful, so it doesn‟t
matter.

58. Mayim Bialik
Too sedate, but fine.

59. Megan Mullally
I could have fixed this in
minutes by cutting off the
sleeves, removing the
glasses and sweeping her
fringe to the side. But she
didn‟t ask me, and now
it‟s too late.

60. Melissa McCarthy
The frock fits
beautifully, but the frayed
grey fabric looks
decidedly odd. Her hair is
too severe, too. Everyone
needs to lighten up. It‟s
the Globes, not a funeral.

61. Melissa Rauch
Everybody needs to stop
lightening up. It‟s the
globes, not Disneyland.

62. Michael J Fox and
Tracy Pollan
Quite lovely, but a size
too small*, so it doesn‟t
sit straight
*The dress, not the guy.

63. Michelle Dockery
I love this. She just looks
exquisite. The porcelain
skin, bobbed hair, red
lipstick and sparkly dress
are perfect. She looks
elegant and polished. I‟m
not usually into non-
colours, but this fabric is
pretty and luminous.

64. Mila Kunis
I love this too. Somehow
the silvery frocks are the
prettiest this year, and
this platinum shade works
beautifully with Mila‟s
olive skin and dark hair.

65. Another angle. It drapes
nicely, too.

66. Minnie Driver
…aaaaand we‟re back to
reality.

67. Naomi Watts
This is the single look
Tom Ford did for free for
the Globes. I‟m not sure it
was worth it. I mean it‟s
fine, but I feel like she‟s
done this look before, and
better.

68. Olivia Wilde
Her hair is really
pretty, but again, the
bottle green spangley
dress has become a red-
carpet staple. Angelina
Jolie probably started it.
But still, it‟s fine, and she
looks happy.

69. Paula Patton
Paula is obviously being
consumed by some kind
of fungi, which is
probably just as
well, because the dress
that is being consumed is
ugly. The fabric looks
cheap, and highlights
lumps and bumps that
aren‟t even there.

70. Rachel Smith
Rachel Smith is a nobody
who dressed like a
somebody (FYI I‟d like
that to be written on my
gravestone). This is so
pretty, it was worth
trawling the internet to
find out who she was. (It
took me ages, as the one
place that carried her
picture misidentified her).

71. Rashida Jones
This dress and hairstyle
would be adequate for a
posh Hollywood lunch or
something.

72. Reese Witherspoon
Another “sporty formal”
dress. The colour is
lovely, but on someone
with Reese‟s girl-next-
door colouring, it‟s a bit
cheap-looking. Am I
being unreasonable?

73. Robin Wright
Eeeewww.

74. Sandra Bullock
Someone obviously
stitched a bunch of
Disney princess costumes
together to make this. It
truncates her legs, and the
colours and fabrics are
ugleeeey.

75. Sarah Hyland
Bridesmaaaiiid.

76. Sarah Paulson
See? Another silvery
frock that takes the cake.
She looks like a
ballerina, in the best way.

77. Sally Hawkins
Up close, this may look very
pretty. Otherwise I‟m not sure
how it happened.

78. Sofia Vergara
Behold, the monster of
the deep!

79. Tatiana Maslany
I have no idea who this
person is, but after Sofia
Vergara she is like a tall
cool drink of water. This
simple silver sheath is so
timeless, and the hair and
makeup is too. Not
dramatic, but effortlessly
chic, which is often better.

80. Taylor Schilling
Gorgeous. The green may
be a little too grassgreen, but it‟s still
beautiful. I‟d wear it
around the house while
sipping champagne. Or
some kind of low-cal
alchohol-free champagne
substitute. Diet Coke, for
example.

81. Taylor Swift
*Sigh*
Her again.

82. Taylor Swift
I can‟t really argue with
this. The watermelon
shade is striking. She
looks like a really
glamorous Valentine‟s
Day teddy bear. But I‟m
just SO OVER Taylor
Swift, I can‟t be objective.

83. The Damons
Luciana often opts for
things that remind me of
Christmas ribbon. She
seems like a quality
woman, I just can‟t get on
board with her lacklustre
sartorial choices.

84. Tina Fey
Nooooo, Tina! You were
making so much progress!
What HAPPENED?
I actually love the fabric
(anything that looks like
wallpaper) but the vast
Elizabethan flaps on
either side make her look
huge on the lower half.
And her hair is blah.

85. Tina Fey
Yeah, it‟s reversible. I‟m
afraid that doesn‟t
help, Tina. Just ditch the
flaps. Ditch the flaps!
It would look really pretty
without.

86. Tina Fey and Amy
Poehler
Much better. This isn‟t the
best picture, but they both
looked stunning on
stage, for all of the twelve
minutes that I could bring
myself to watch. Tina‟s
hair was all wavy and
shiny, and Amy‟s dress is a
deep teal shade which
complemented Tina‟s
garnet frock beautifully.

87. Uma Thurman
No, Uma.

88. Zoe Saldana
This looked prettier on the red
carpet than it does in pictures, but
it‟s still an odd jumble of
features, whichever way you look
at it. I wish they had stuck with
the black bejewelled fabric to
below the knee, and then let the
lace poke out at the hem or
something. It was also very
tight, and I blame the
dressmakers, not the very skinny
girl.

89. Zooey Deschanel
Oh Zooey. Somehow you look
both elderly and childish at the
same time. You can‟t just
collect beige things you like and
then wear them all at once. We
may need to stage an
intervention and confiscate – at
the very least – your hair
flowers.

90. Zosia Mamet
Zosia Mamet is wearing a
beautiful dress. Zosia Mamet. Is
wearing. A beautiful dress.
This calls to mind Art Nouveau
era ink drawings. It‟s just
so…tasteful. It must have
happened by accident.