1. I want to start by saying how truly surprised I am that Rowena and Ethan have made it this far and
have actually managed to tie the knot; so congratulations! For those of you who don’t know me, I’m
Rowena’s best friend, Darcy. I am sure most of you guys here will say that Rowena is a great
colleague, friend and relative, but let’s take a look at how much of a best friend she is...
I first met Rowena when I was 5 years old, in reception. We became best friends almost
instantaneously and always did everything together from having joint birthday parties to going on
holiday together. From a young age Rowena was very loud, demanding and very much a drama
Queen; I guess some things never change... The memories that stick out the most from growing up
with her are the times when we played ‘dog’ in the back garden – no points for guessing who the
dog was- Rowena had the opportunity to order me about, although she did carry on doing that an
awful lot even when we weren’t playing the game – Ethan, we now know who will be wearing the
trousers in your relationship ha-ha. Also, the time when I had to lie to her parents because she went
to get her ears pierced behind their back. Not forgetting our first road trip, when she sat on the side
of the road painting her nails when our car broke down.
I think as we became teenagers I got to know the real Rowena. During high school Rowena had no
problem dating the entire football team; at some point I believe she was dating two of them at a
time, which some may say is quite impressive! In school when asked what she wanted to be when
she was older, she said ‘a WAG’. Despite this, Rowena made sure she was always top of the class –
even if it meant cheating her way through every exam – just to make her parents happy. Being an
only child, Rowena always got what she wanted and at every school function I remember having to
listen to her parents brag about how much of a saint their child was. Well, Martin and Felicity, your
little princess lost her virginity at the mere age of 14. Oh sorry Rowena, I didn’t mean to let that one
slip!
Rowena has a habit of always wanting what she can’t have and then doing everything in her power
to get what she wants which could be seen as admirable. However, killing your cat so your dad
would feel sorry for you and buy you the latest Louis Vuitton handbag, IS NOT! RIP Oscar, you’re in a
safer place now... Now, it wasn’t just handbags that caught your eye was it Rowena? No, anyone of
the opposite sex that had a pulse, seemed to have a strange affect on you. Actually, correction:
seemed to turn you into a complete bitch. Oh yeah before I forget, Charlotte Cox; Joe Casey slept
with Rowena while you were going out in sixth form- just thought I’d let you know...You see, when
Rowena has a boyfriend, she forgets that there are other people in her life, in other words she
doesn’t play by the rule sisters before misters. That’s when we come on to you Ethan...
What some of you may not know is that I met Ethan before Rowena did. I met Ethan in law school
and I hold my hands up and admit that I had a great big crush on him. He was sweet, naive, caring
and compassionate. I even told Rowena that I really liked him and she said we’d be good together.
After a couple of months of getting to know him, he finally asked me out on a date! But guess which
man-eating friend of mine sabotaged the date and turned up to this bar in Soho? Long story short,
Rowena’s outspoken and feisty nature won Ethan’s heart and they ended up going home together,
with her knowing full well that I was falling head over heels for him. However, I’ve always thought of
their relationship like an elephant stuck on top of a tree; you don’t know how it happened, but you
know it won’t last long.
But they proved me wrong and here we all our five years later, on their wedding day.

2. Last night at the hen party I asked Rowena why she’s marrying Ethan, and she replied ‘Well isn’t it
obvious? He’s loaded!” which – regardless of her being absolutely wasted - proves just how
obnoxious she really is. I had initially planned to write a lovely speech about Rowena as I wanted to
her big day to be one to remember but then realised that I’d just be writing a lie. Although, now you
all know the real Rowena Pickett and probably won’t forget this any time soon...
Rowena, I’ve been your friend for 25 years and supported you in all the bad decisions you’ve made;
held your hair back while you’ve puked every Friday night after getting drunk; and even planned
your whole wedding but not once have you ever been there for me or taken my feelings into
account. I’m tired of living in your shadow, and want everyone here to know you for what you really
are: a deceiving, up-tight, stubborn woman. And forgive me for saying what everyone here is
thinking, but Ethan darling, you could do so much better.
So as all of you are aware now that Rowena is a handful and extremely high maintenance, I would
like you to raise your glasses and wish this ‘happy’ couple the best of luck for years to come! You’re
going to need it Ethan but if it doesn’t work out, you know where to find me!