This is a new version of my college application essay writing powerpoint with more examples and strategies to help kids write pieces that push their powerful identities. We want kids to show how they are empowering themselves, their families, their schools, and their communities. Go to our website: www.allcollegeessays.org for more strategies.

1. Communicatingtheir powerfulstories:
Strategies for helpingstudents writeuniquely
empoweringcollege and scholarshipessaysRebecca Joseph, PhD
rjoseph@calstatela.edu
facebook: getmetocollege freeadvice
FB page: All College Essays
iPad/iPhone App: All College Application Essays

2. Juan
UC Riverside Class of 2016
First generation college goer
Major community service-360+ hours

3. Juan’s UC 1-UCRiverside,Classof2016
• Describe the world you come from –for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how your world has
shaped your dreams and aspirations
• Five members in a small home; one kitchen, one bathroom, one bedroom, and one living room; all having to share
it with one another, working in a tight space. When my brothers or I need help, we have to work in this condition
but that does not stop us from helping one another one on one. In this home sweet home, we always encountered
a lot but we always managed to pull ourselves through because the family is always together.
• Throughout our school years my mom has always taken us to school no matter if it was raining hard, if there were
strong winds, if there was a thunderstorm, or if it was too hot: she still took us. When we were sick she always
kept us going to school and motivated us to get an education, encouraging us to be on the right path to success
but also to be friends with good buddies. She keeps telling us “Have respect for others and always be responsible
by turning in all the assigned work ok my son” These words that my mom told me makes me go through school
happy and not worried about anything, knowing that she also wants for my brothers and me to be polite and
grateful.
• My dad helps us by providing food in the table, also provides us with clothes in addition money. However he
teaches us how to save up money and how to use it wisely. Even though he would like to spend more time with us
at home, he has to work two jobs as a security to keep us going financially. All this love that is given to my
brothers and me by our parents makes me realize that I want to give love to others who need it.
• On Wednesday during nutrition I go to a club called Random Acts of Kindness (R.A.K.) in which we, the club, help
out people who are in need of materials or support. The most reason that has been big has been when the club
helped out to collect funds through cranes to go to Japan after the earthquake. I was a participant in making the
cranes with the combination of others just making a bunch of them. Each paper crane donated to the
foundation, they in returned gave a dollar towards the cause to help out Japan. Through this I felt that I was giving
my love towards Japan by helping get donations. At the same time the school collected money to send to Japan
and I also donated knowing that it was for a good thing.
• When my family is sick, I always try helping them out to get better. I always feel good aiding them that I realize a
true thing that my life has always had the love and support of my family that I give back to others the love and care
just like a doctor or a nurse. A doctor has qualities of being; polite, respectful, responsible and also grateful, yet
what so ever also good money managing, qualities that I have. My big dream when I go to a university is truly to
become a doctor and give back love to others just how I got love from my family.

4. Juan UC 2
• Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is
important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it
relate to the person you are?
• In elementary school I had the idea of becoming a doctor no matter what it took I would do it. I
have always seen myself as a caring and helpful person knowing that a doctor does seem like
that, when researching their careers and experiences in middle school. So, from middle school
going to a high school and still having the idea in becoming a doctor I ask my mom to sign me up
for Francisco Bravo Medical Magnet high school knowing their magnet was on a medical basis. My
home school would have been James A. Garfield high school and their magnet would have been
math and science I did not want to go there.
• Since I was leaning towards becoming a doctor, I wanted to become more personal with what
they do so I volunteered at the LAC+USC Hospital near my high school and gotten to be more
familiarized with doctors. I noticed that they had to move all around the hospital but also that
when they are needed at a certain area the nurses will get them located. Doctors truly are very
busy throughout their day, either diagnosing a patient or moving to different floors looking at
their patients’ health or going to perform surgery. In my eyes the doctors were like blurs when I
see them going fast to their location if they were needed. At the same time I had to learn
acronyms while I was in the hospital knowing that the doctors had to know them also. So doctors
are very much very hard workers.
• Yet from this experience I felt more willing to become a doctor. It makes me proud that I have now
the experience and research on what the doctors do that I eventually will be doing. I feel very
much accomplished on what I had done to know more on the career and the experience gained
from this. My next accomplishment is to truly be a doctor.

5. Eliana “Lily”Villanueva
Fremont High School, Class 2013, UC Davis, Class of 2017, Animal Studies
USC Mentoring Programs, 2013 Summertime

6. Lily UC 1-UCDavisClassof2017
The bell to go home rang and I knew that bell did not mean it was time to go home for me—my mom was still at work
and I still had to wait for my older sister to come pick me up. I come from a family of six and I’ve spent the majority of
my life being the youngest. Of course this meant that I would see less of my parents because as soon as I started
school, my mom went back to the work field, and my dad never stopped working—for most of my life, the only time I
would see my dad was at night.
Both my parents emigrated from El Salvador in their early twenties and soon after coming to the United States and
meeting each other, formed a family. Having little education only meant my dad would have to work extra hard to
support his now family of five, while my mom stayed home to take care of us.
Throughout my childhood, life seemed simple, but as I got older I realized that my parents’ marriage was slowly
crumbling. My parents’ failing marriage left three kids having to find different ways to cope. Because of my parents’
absence due to work and dealing with marital problems, I was left with little parental supervision, and living in South
Los Angeles only meant I was vulnerable to many of the negative influences that overshadow the community.
Even though my sister is only three years older than me, she took on the role of being a mother to me and of being
one of the greatest influences in my life. Throughout elementary, she was the person that picked me up right after
coming from her school, ready to take me home, to feed me, help me with my homework, and play with me. She
instilled in me a sense of self-reliance and was there to support me in all my endeavors. The influence my sister has
had on me has been one of the most contributing factors in my desire to go to college.
But when she left for college she left a void in my life. Seeing my parents go through a divorce was not easy, having to
deal with my mom abandon us repeatedly, seeing my dad lose his job and have his health decline in the process, and
me having to care for my younger sister without the help of my sister. I felt hopeless, and my only escape seemed to
come when I was at school.
School and my pets have helped take my mind off the problems I face at home, and with my older sister as my support
from afar, I have been able to focus on my studies so that I can pursue my dreams. In my sister’s absence I have found
solace in my pets, especially when things got difficult. This has allowed me to discover my passion for helping
animals. Caring for animals has always been a part of my life, but I have come to realize the joy it brings me to
help, not only my pets but also all animals. I have never been able to express my feelings but there is one thing that I
can express without a doubt—my passion for being the voice of animals—and this has shaped my biggest aspiration to
be a veterinarian

7. Lily UC 2
Finally Fremont was going to have a free summer. I never had a true summer vacation because of the multitrack, year-round
program at my high school. Fremont is a low-income high school that does not possess many resources for students to utilize.
There was nothing available for students over the summer. I asked my teachers if they would recommend any programs, and
my AP Environmental Science teacher told me about COSMOS a math and summer program at UC Davis for cluster 7 -
Biomedical Sciences with an emphasis on Human and Veterinary Medicine. Immediately I was very interested in because
science has always been my best subject.
During my stay at UC Davis I got a sense of college life with lectures on crucial subjects in both Human and Veterinary
medicine and also the type of freedom a college student receives, (field-trips, etc). We had a variety of lectures on infectious
diseases, bacteria, radiology, parasitology, toxicology, ophthalmology, hematology, and cardiology. We learned how to give a
proper physical exam on humans and animals. In addition to being in class several hours every day, every Thursday they took
us on a fieldtrip related to what we were learning. The trip I was most excited about was the UC Davis Veterinary Teaching
Hospital where we witnessed a canine spleenectomy in the surgery observation room and a necropsy on a horse. My stay was
very comfortable, and left me excited to attend college so I could learn more about animals.
This experience helped increase my passion for animals. I have seen how little animals are valued in South Los Angeles and
deeply believe that these animals deserve a fighting chance for love and a happy home. I have tried my best to always help an
animal in pain. Growing up with pets and realizing how big of an impact they have on my life has been a major influence for
me wanting to become a veterinarian and helping them. The majority of these pets were strays I found near my home, who
would have died of hunger had I not taken them into my home. I want to help animals, whether stray or domesticated. No
matter where I go to school, I want to come back to help the animals of South Los Angeles.
Living in South Los Angeles I was not exposed much to colleges, all I knew was to follow the path my sister left for me when
she left for college three year ago. My experience at UC Davis gave me the opportunity to create a new path for myself.

8. Essays = opportunity
Take control over the highest ranked non-academic aspect of the
application
Realize the package of essays counts…not just one
Share their voice
Empower students to take ownership of their stories
Express who they really are
Show (not tell) stories that belong only to them and help them
jump off the page
Challenge stereotypes
Reflect on their growth and development, including
accomplishments and service
Seek to understand what the admission officer is looking for

9. How important are the essays?
1. Grades
2. Rigor of Coursework, School
3. Test Scores
4. Essays*
5. Recommendations-Teacher and/or Counselor
6. Activities-Sustained
consistency, development, leadership, and
initiative
7. Special skills, talents, awards, community service
and passions

10. What do admissions officers
look for in essays?
Context
Values
Intellectual curiosity, a playful mind, or a sense of humor
Commitment/Depth of Interests
Interaction with and/or perception by others
Special talents and qualities
Realistic self-appraisal

11. Florisel-BrownClassof2016
Florisel Resume
• 1st gen college student
• Top grades
• Good test scores
• Great AP tests
• Leader in her school and local
community
• This essay and others pushed
her leadership and initiative
• She did not push stereotypes
• Choices-
Brown, Wellesley, UCLA, and
more

12. Florisel’s Essay
• The rain felt like needles pricking at my skin, causing me to wish I could
have had an extra layer of clothing. But what could have an extra layer of
clothing done? Not much since further ahead it would have been
damped and heavy. I always wished for marathons to be on cloudy and
rainy days so the heat wouldn’t cause the runs to be harder. A year ago
during the LA Marathon, I got more than I wished for. It poured heavily.
• But this time, I wasn’t running for myself; I was running with the four
middle school students I had trained for the past eight months. I started
off the race running alongside the coach and a student who wanted to
be sure she would have a good pace to finish. Surprisingly, by the second
mile, she had already started to speed up, and I asked her if she would
like to run ahead. The enthusiastic look in her eyes shone through like a
ray of light; she was hopeful that by running ahead she could beat the
time people expected of her. As both of us continued on towards the
fourth mile, the rain became heavier and the chilly wind grew fierce. The
only way we could try to battle the cold and try to keep our bodies warm
was to run faster and longer.
•
•

13. Florisel’s Essay
• Little by little we managed to run the magnificent “From the Stadium to the Sea”
course. It was my fourth time running the L.A. Marathon and second time
running the course. To my benefit and disgrace knowing the path helped and
hurt me--I knew how far we were from the finish line, the hills, streets, and
places. That made the temptation to stop when I felt sleepy and exhausted great
just like the temptation to run ahead when I had energy, but I was aware that my
partner was going to need help and encouragement in those last and arduous
miles. With her I was able to give back the support I received in my first
marathon, and deep inside I was grateful for the opportunity.
• As we headed to Rodeo Drive a sudden rush of energy came over me. The view
of the stores and their elegance made me remember that the marathon
represented my struggle to achieve a better life for myself and the people I
loved. I remembered that I had my family standing in the cold and harsh rain
trying to stay dry under the umbrellas whose flaps were weak against that ocean
wind.

14. Florisel’s Essay
• Remembering all this carried me through when I hit the wall on mile 22. The
energy I had felt before was leaving my grasp. I felt that that was as far as I could
go. My partner had become exhausted and our walking pace had become slower.
We had met three other students who were struggling to continue, one of them
was starting to get the chills, while another had cramps; it was at that moment
that my real fear began. I was scared that they might collapse and that I wouldn’t
be able to help them. All I could think of was to accommodate the pace to their
needs without letting them give up on running at least a little.
• All five of us completed the 2011 Los Angeles Marathon on the rainiest and
coldest day we ever experienced. My greatest accomplishment was to help
students achieve the goals they thought impossible to complete. I learned that I
have the strength and character to accomplish and succeed, and that though the
road may not be easy, it is possible.

15. Steps to success
1)Understand the essays you will have to write
2)Create a master chart to highlight patterns
3)Identity core qualities and unique stories
4)Use effective brainstorm strategies
5)Read successful sample essays
6)Write a resume
7)Use the “Into, Through, and Beyond” method

16. Understand the essays…
• The University of California Prompts
• All applicants must respond to two essay prompts — the general prompt
and either the freshman or transfer prompt, depending on your status.
• Responses to your two prompts must be a maximum of 1,000 words total.
• Allocate the word count as you wish. If you choose to respond to one prompt at
greater length, we suggest your shorter answer be no less than 250 words.
• The essay prompts
• 1. Freshman applicant prompt
• Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school
— and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
• 2. Prompt for all applicants
• Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience
that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud
and how does it relate to the person you are?

17. Understand the essays…
1)The Common Application: New Prompts!
 One Long:
 Some students have a background or story that is so central to their
identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without
it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
 Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it
affect you, and what lessons did you learn?
 Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted
you to act? Would you make the same decision again?
 Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What
do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
 Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked
your transition from childhood to adulthood within your
culture, community, or family.
 Short, Activities, Additional Information, and Supplemental
2)Large Public Universities—The UCS, and other big publics
3)Private College Specific Applications
4)Other Systems (Universal Application, etc.)

18. Create a master chart: patterns
1)Major Deadlines and Needs (by application type)
2)Core Essays (color code all similar or overlapping
essays)
3)Supplemental Essays (color code similar types
i.e. “Why are you a good match for us?” or “How
will you add to the diversity of our campus?”

19. Identify core qualities and
unique stories
• Help students think what unique
qualities they offer a college
• Help them describe unique stories
that demonstrate their leadership
and initiative
• If they have struggled, show how
they have taken that struggle and
used it to strengthen themselves
and their commuities

20. Read sample essays and
prompts
Essays that worked: Connecticut College
http://www.conncoll.edu/admission/apply/essa
ys-that-worked/
University of Chicago, Elon, and Tufts have
great additional essay prompts
Essays from other students in your programs

21. Use effective brainstorm
strategies
Brainstorming Exercises:
Complete a culture bag
Write a letter to future roommate
Write three responses to the common application short
essay activities prompt

22. Write a resume
Academic: Current school, honors, AP courses, test
scores (if strong), summer programs
Activities: Colleges look for
consistency, development, leadership, and initiative.
Describe the level of activity and any awards and
honors received. Include leadership positions held.
Include Sports, Service, Volunteer Work, Jobs or
Employment, Internships as appropriate.

23. Culture Bags
• Have students bring in artifacts that show how they are
members of unique groups
• 1. ethnicity
• 2. gender
• 3. religion
• 4. neighborhoods
• 5. families
• 6. communities at school
• 7. communities outside of school
• 8. acts that strengthen others

24. Letter to future roommate
Dear Roommate,
I love making lists. A series of lists serve as decorations of my walls, lockers and notebooks—speckles of organization in a lifestyle
characterized by organized chaos.
One of my most recent list-making tasks began at two in the morning, with my trying to write about some part of my personality that I
wanted to share. I began listing small things about myself, and found myself inspired to create a large list of tiny things that define many
parts of who I am.
The first one on the list goes without saying.
I have problems falling asleep.
The pronunciation and spelling of my names serves a conversation starter wherever I go.
I move my lips when I anticipate other people talking.
I have the ability to create and develop different fonts in my handwriting.
The first things I look for in someone’s room are the books they keep.
I've been sleeping with a 2-foot stuffed bear for nine years.
All I want is to be able to buy a keychain with my name already on it.
I've been told that I have a silly sense of humor.
I have enough journals to fill an entire bookshelf.
I love documentaries.
One of my favorite words is “ubuntu,” which means humanity in Xhosa.
When I was thirteen, I tried writing an autobiography comprised of poems.
I am most compatible with people who I think are most like me.
I feel like a four-star chef when I make salads.
I'm an ENTJ.
My favorite colors are coral and cerulean.
If I could have any superpower, I would have the ability to be in two places at once.
I eat ice cream with a fork.
I’m obsessed with the game Bananagrams™.
I drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth—just for the sour taste.
Scary movies are the worst.

25. Letter to future roommate
Dear Roommate:
For a majority of my life, I have shared the same room with my two younger brothers, so I am confident you
will become family in no time. Based on my expertise, I have developed following guidelines to get us off to
a smooth and sound freshmen year:
1. All non-Dodgers posters will be removed at your expense, and Giants posters will be burned on your bed.
2. The use of anyone else’s toothbrush is frowned upon.
3. If you need to borrow my laptop, ask- don’t just take it.
4. If you need to borrow my underwear, don’t ask- just take it.
My fifth and most important recommendation is play whatever music you want.
Rock, religious, renaissance romantic, rap- whatever, I’ll listen to it. In fact my friend from back home and I
arrange rock and rap into mashups, so I can handle both. Even if the song you decide to play is just good, I
know it can be great. Maybe we’ll drop a beat, add some power chords, or back it up with a Disney
soundtrack. Don’t worry if our songs are completely different genres- the more diverse the tracks, the
better the mashup. If you have an idea for something new, we can compose and perform it together.
I guarantee I will think that whatever you do with your time is awesome. If you’re part of a book club and
I’m part of an a cappella group, we’ll sing stories. If I’m broadcasting on KZSU 90.1 and you’re a member of
the Chinese Dance club, I’ll do play-by-play of your moves.
I would love to visit you wherever you live, and you’re welcome to visit me. I have lived in New
York, Connecticut, Poland, Connecticut again, and Los Angeles, and I have visited over thirty countries. That
is, unless you fail to follow rule number one.

26. Three responses to common
application short essay prompt
List the activities you chose to describe
Write down the traits you believe you show explicitly or
implicitly to a college
Examples: empathetic, resilient, determined,
collaborative, creative, insightful, analytic, etc.
Which traits you listed or didn’t list might lead to a long
essay? What topics might you write about?
Examples: Innovative….creating a peer mentoring
program for a local elementary school; resilient…living in
two worlds (urban neighborhood and elite private school)

27. Into, through, and beyond
Into
• Lead the reader into the story
• Start with a hook
• Consider cutting first paragraph(s) from first draft
Through
• Use 1/3, 2/3 method: if starting with a life or family challenge, move quickly into who
student is now; if writing about someone who influenced, make sure 2/3 of essay is about
the student not the person of influence
• Use first person
• Show don’t tell
Beyond
• Connect to who student is now and who student wants to be
• Evoke core qualities, convey morals

28. David, UC Berkeley Class of 2016
Wilson High School, LAUSD
Student Activist, Upward Bound Participant and Current Summer Worker

29. David’s UC 2-UCBerkeleyClassof2016
• The summer of my sophomore year I was selected out of 280 students by Upward
Bound to attend a National Student Leadership Congress Conference in
Washington DC. During the conference I participated in many workshops and
learned that just because we come from different cultures or a person is gay or
lesbian you should not treat him or her differently or block him out. We are all
different and have different ideas but what we all have one thing in
common, change.
• Being given the keys of how to approach a problem and make change, I decided to
focus on one injustice at my school. Entering my junior year many parents were
given $60 tickets for dropping off students at Wilson High School because there
was no proper location drop-off zone. I was determined to make a change to my
school standing up for parents and create a formal passenger loading zone at my
school.
• I first contacted a Los Angeles Community Safety Representative in charge of my
district and told him how badly Wilson needed a passenger loading zone. Taking it
a step further, I took the initiative to contact my Councilmember Jose Huizar and
had a lengthy discussion with him about the situation. We met one on one; he
encouraged me to continue being involved in improving my community. I initially
did not get far in gaining any grounds with the passenger loading zone due to the
bureaucracy and my age.

30. David’s Essay
• I also felt the need to take a proactive approach, so I contacted our school
superintendent, explained and discussed how we can go about gaining a permit or
the city’s permission. I quickly learned the process was a big a run around, at this
point I was at the verge of breaking down, but I knew it was up to me. I had to
prove to myself and these elected officials that failure was not an option, so I took
the initiative to request an investigation through the City of Los Angeles. I was
instructed to write a proposal and start a petition. From start to finish, after
numerous phone calls, petitions, and meetings, it took approximately 10 months
to finally install a Passenger Loading Zone.
• Fighting for justice, equality, and opportunity for a safe way to get to school has
inspired me to enter the world of politics. Establishing networks to communicate
well with others to accomplish in obtaining the loading zone has empowered me
to seek change in my community. When I have an objective in mind, I stay focused
until I can see it through and keep in mind that at the university level obstacles will
be more complicated. Reflecting back I have learned about myself that I am
passionate, determined, and have the dedication to make change. I am who I want
to be. I have accepted the past and realized that there are specific things I cannot
control. A lot of doors were shut in my face and numerous run arounds due to my
age. But that did not discourage me bur rather just drove me to want to obtain the
loading zone because I knew it was unjust.

31. Final thoughts
Students need to remember that they:
 Can create amazing essays and control this process
 Have two to five minutes to grab the attention of an essay reader.
 Need weeks, not days, to write effective college essays.
 Must ultimately submit what pleases them.
 Can develop stronger identities and sense of selves through their authentic writing opportunities
 Can tell counter-narratives that push their commitment to self, family, school, community, and
world.
 Cannot manufacture essays; essays convey truth, unique stories, and writing skills.
Students need to remember that admission officers:
 Can smell “enhanced” essays.
 Often say essays make or break an ultimate decision for students applying to “match colleges.”