Dealing with complex students demonstrating problematic behaviors by Dr. Shmuel Harris MD, Machon Dvir, Jerusalem

1. DR. SHMUEL HARRIS, MD
YU GRUSS KOLLEL, ELUL 5776
Dealing with complex students
demonstrating problematic
behaviors
‫בס״ד‬

2. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
‫ם‬ ֶ‫ית‬ ִ‫א‬ ְ‫ּור‬‫ת‬ ֶ‫א‬-‫ץ‬ ֶ‫ר‬ ָ‫א‬ָ‫ה‬,‫ה‬ַ‫מ‬-‫וא‬ ִ‫ה‬‫ת‬ ֶ‫א‬ְ‫ו‬-‫ָם‬‫ע‬ָ‫ה‬ֹּ‫י‬ַ‫ה‬‫ב‬ ֵ‫ׁש‬ָֹּ‫ֶיה‬‫ל‬ָ‫ע‬‫ָק‬‫ז‬ָ‫ח‬ֶ‫ה‬‫הּוא‬‫ֶה‬‫פ‬ ָ‫ֲר‬‫ה‬,‫ַט‬‫ע‬ ְ‫מ‬ַ‫ה‬
‫הּוא‬‫ם‬ ִ‫א‬-‫ב‬ ָ‫ר‬:‫ה‬ָ‫ּומ‬‫ץ‬ ֶ‫ר‬ ָ‫א‬ָ‫ה‬ֶֹּ‫ֲׁש‬‫א‬‫ר‬‫הּוא‬ֵֹּ‫ׁש‬‫י‬‫ב‬‫ּה‬ָ‫ב‬‫ה‬ָ‫ֲטֹוב‬‫ה‬‫וא‬ ִ‫ה‬‫ם‬ ִ‫א‬‫ָה‬‫ע‬ ָ‫ר‬‫ה‬ָ‫ּומ‬‫ים‬ ִ‫ָר‬‫ע‬ֶ‫ה‬
ֶֹּ‫ֲׁש‬‫א‬‫ר‬‫הּוא‬ֵֹּ‫יֹוׁש‬‫ב‬ָֹּ‫ב‬ָֹּ‫נ‬ֵ‫ה‬‫ה‬ְֹּ‫ב‬ַ‫ה‬‫ים‬ִ‫ֲנ‬‫ח‬ַ‫מ‬‫ם‬ ִ‫א‬ְֹּ‫ב‬‫ים‬ ִ‫ר‬ָ‫צ‬ ְ‫ב‬ ִ‫מ‬)‫במדבר‬‫יג‬:‫יח‬-‫יט‬(
‫רש״י‬‫שם‬:‫החזק‬‫הוא‬‫הרפה‬-‫סימן‬‫מסר‬‫להם‬,‫אם‬‫בפרזים‬‫יושבין‬,‫חזקים‬
‫הם‬‫שסומין‬‫על‬‫גבורתם‬,‫ואם‬‫בערים‬‫בצורות‬‫הם‬‫יושבין‬,‫חלשים‬‫הם‬.

3. COMPLEX
• What do we mean by the word complex?
• Psychological definition: a system of
interrelated, emotion-charged ideas,
feelings, memories, and impulses that is
usually repressed and that gives rise to
abnormal or pathological behaviour

4. COMPLEX
• Multilayered, multifaceted
• A number of parts, which are often:
• Contradictory
• Inconsistent
• Poorly understood by the person
hence poorly integrated
• Difficult for others to understand,
hence confusing, frustrating
• And even at times infuriating….

5. PROBLEMATIC
• Emotions
• Impulsive
• Manipulative: “influencing or
attempting to influence the behavior
or emotions of others for one’s own
purposes”
• Non-Pejorative understanding
• Destructive- relationships but also self

6. CASE DISCUSSION
•Chaya, 18 years old from Teaneck, NJ
•Extremely bright, one of the top students
•“Moody” with quickly changing moods
•Students and teachers would often find
themselves “walking on eggshells”
•Intense relationships, short lived

7. CASE DISCUSSION
Chaya has now come to study
at seminary and you are her
madricha: what are some of the
issues that may arise? Why?

8. FROM A FORMER SEM GIRL
“I’m happy that you’re talking to the
madrichot - that's the first start in them
realizing that self harm and depression are
no joke and that more people than they
know struggle with it…Tell them that these
are real experiences from a girl in a super
chareidi seminary…

9. FROM A FORMER SEM GIRL
…one madricha I had was emotionally
abusive in a nonverbal, passive way which
is one of the worst ways… she did incredible
damage by rolling her eyes every time I
came into the room…and there was no
privacy - everyone knew everything

10. FROM A FORMER SEM GIRL
…once when I came to speak with the Eim
habayit and the madricha was there, I
asked to talk to the Eim Bayit alone and the
madricha cracked up and said something
like “wait you already spoke to her just
now…don’t you have a therapist of your
own to complain to?”…

11. FROM A FORMER SEM GIRL
The worst thing was that this madricha didn't
realize that she was influencing the other girls in
my seminary to have the same attitude toward
me. They treated me like there was something
wrong with me…that left me in a way more
vulnerable position than when I first came in. I
don't think I would've started cutting with actual
razors instead of plastic knives had I not been
going through all that…

12. FROM A FORMER SEM GIRL
…something I wish my madrichot would have
known is that they are often clueless about the
power they have…and they have immense power
in influencing the way other girls treat their peers…
they also need to be trained to spot symptoms -
because they’re in a position where they are the
only ones to observe certain patterns going on”

13. RELATIONSHIP WARNING SIGNS
• Intense relationship developed quickly
• Boundaries being crossed/violated
• Amount and context of time spent
• Strong emotions engendered in you
• Important to be aware of how you are
feeling and realising that the nature of the
relationship is both qualitatively and
quantitatively different

14. BEHAVIORAL WARNING SIGNS
•Poor routine/schedule
•Definite changes in eating and sleeping
•Regularly missing classes
•Moody, highly sensitive and easily offended
•Depressed or anxious
•Withdrawn/excessively attention seeking
•Attacking, shaming, clinging, controlling
•Unreasonable & irrational, difficult interactions
•Lying
•Impulsive, risky or dangerous behavior
•Self harm, including alcohol and drug use

15. SELF HARM & SUICIDE
•Why do people self-harm?
•Self soothing- physical vs psychological
pain
•Self punishment
•Attention and call for help
•Difference between suicide and para-suicide
•In all of these cases there is no ‫נפקא‬‫מינא‬ : a
teacher must be involved along with a mental
health professional

16. HOW TO DEAL EFFECTIVELY
• Honesty & Confidentiality
• Relating seriously and with respect
• Reliability, consistency
• Clear boundaries, setting limits, red lines
• Maintain objectivity, avoid developing
an overly attached relationship
• Easier said than done

17. HOW TO DEAL EFFECTIVELY
• Delay
• Distract
• Depersonalize
• Detach
• If you feel at any point out of your depth,
it’s probably because you are- don’t be
shy of speaking to seminary/yeshiva staff
and mental health professionals for
guidance and help

18. QUESTIONS?

19. DRHARRIS@MACHONDVIR.ORG 053-623-3733
FOR ASSISTANCE PLEASE CONTACT:
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING!
‫בהצלחה‬‫רבה‬‫וכתיבה‬‫וחתימה‬‫טובה‬!