66 day challenge

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Picture credit - ​Carousell
Day 46 - Interpersonal Skill
25 May 2020
Prabodh Sirur
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sirurp@gmail.com
My learning for the day
Today I want to summarise two books on interpersonal skills. Thanks ​Roffey
Park Institute​ for recommending the books.
I dedicate this piece to ​Naresh Purushotham​, a mentor to hundreds of
managers, including me. Naresh specifically asked me to cover ​Influencing
skills​ in this post. I bow to his wish.
I thank ​Keith Williams II​ for providing a distinction between Influencing skill
and Persuasion skill - ​Influencing​ is the ability to make someone do
something ​through the use of one’s resources​ (wealth, social status, or
power). ​Persuasion​ is the ability to make someone do something ​through
the use of words​.
Book 1 - ​Influence without Authority
Author - ​Allan R. Cohen​ and ​David L. Bradford
Summary (source - ​Medium​ by ​Marc Abraham​)
Getting work done requires political and collaborative skills especially ​when
you do not have direct authority​ yet you are accountable for the results.
Cohen and Bradford’s ‘Model of Influence without Authority’ deals with this
situation.
This model of influencing starts with ‘​assuming that all are potential allies​’
and then navigates the path through these milestones - clarifying goals,
diagnosing the world of allies, identifying relevant currencies to be
exchanged with the allies and trading the currencies to ‘​influence the
outcome through give and take​’
The book talks about different kinds of currencies exchanged (what you give
and what you get).
Inspiration related currencies​ - these currencies reflect inspirational goals
that provide meaning to your work e.g. vision, excellence etc.
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Task related currencies​ - these currencies are directly related to getting the
job done e.g. resources, support needs etc.
Position related currencies​ - these currencies indirectly aid your ability to
accomplish tasks thanks to your enhanced position e.g. importance, contacts
etc.
Relationship related currencies​ - these are related to strengthening the
relationship with someone that helps accomplish the task e.g. personal
support, acceptance by others etc.
Personal currencies​ - these currencies enhance your sense of self e.g.
ownership, self image etc.
The key theme is to ​make each ally central
And the key actions are -
Assessing​ ​ally’s power​ over the resources you need to accomplish results,
Identifying​ ​currencies​ that are required to build relationship with the ally,
Trading the​ identified ​currencies​ to influence the outcome you need from
the ally
While doing all this, we must recognise ​some negative currencies​ that the
allies do not value e.g. not giving recognition, making lack of cooperation
visible, threatening to quit the situation, escalating issues upwards, attacking
ally’s reputation etc.
To summarise - The book explains how to get cooperation from those over
whom you have no official authority by offering them help in the form of the
“currencies” they value. The model helps you cut through interpersonal and
interdepartmental barriers, and motivate people to lend you their support,
time, and resources.
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Book 2 -​ ​Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Makes Us Influential
Author - ​John Neffinger​ and ​Matt Kohut
Summary (source - ​Book Summary​ by ​Paul Arnold​)
Displaying ​warmth with strength​ is key to making us more influential.
Warmth​ (Research suggests we decide the warmth of another person in
1/10th of a second)
Warmth is the perception someone cares for us. We distrust people’s
motives who lack warmth.
Warmth ironically comes from strength. If we feel threatened, our warmth is
hidden away.
Strength
Strong people exude a sense of inner ability. Without the warmth we may
respect them, but we may not like nor trust them
Warmth with Strength
We need both to be effective. ​Too much Strength​ creates fear, distrust and
separation. ​Too much warmth​ creates a perception of weakness.
The three influencing strategies - Be assertive, but not angry; Get tough for
the sake of good of others; Dial up the warmth, not tone it down (Strength
comes from warmth. Warmth comes from strength)
Factors that drive perception of our strength and warmth
There are many aspects that help define our perceived strength and warmth.
For example - Cultural differences, Sex, Race, Age, Body shape, Gait, Energy
levels, Facial movements/shape, Eye movements, Language, Tonality,
Accents, etc. (examples - Black women leaders are criticised more than black
men or white women; Stereotypes stick - ‘Why Obama doesn’t dare become
the angry black man’)
We need to be aware of these biases.
Assessing our warmth/strength
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Some of the things to assess - our body language such as posture, gait, hand
movements, eye contact, smile, voice, words, language, humour, storytelling,
confidence level …
And then working on it will bring out the best in you.
Strength and warmth in the world
Managing others – Do so from a place of warmth not strength. Warmth is a
more respectful and conducive way to get things done — not threats and
aggression.
Sales – Use both strength and warmth to get the sale. Start all warm, then
become tough.
Marketing – Project a clear personality studying strength versus warmth
matrix.
When things go wrong – Start with warmth of humility, followed quickly by
the strength of how we are going to resolve the situation.
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Should you need to watch some videos about this topic, here are ​5 TED Talks
That'll Make You More Persuasive​. Thanks ​Alyse Kalish​.
What is Interpersonal Skill?
Interpersonal Skill is an ability to recognize and understand other people’s moods,
desires, motivations, and intentions.
These skills are part of interpersonal skills -
Negotiation skills
Conflict management skills
Assertiveness skills
Refusal skills
Influencing/ persuasion skills
Networking skills
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Motivation skills
My learning so far on this topic
Day 6 post​ - Eric Bern’s Games people play
Day 16 post​ - How to Express Feelings... and How Not To
Day 26 post​ - Negotiations skills - BATNA
Day 36 post​ - Two TED talks - How motivation can fix public systems & The
secret to giving great feedback
How to improve this skill?
Set a goal to ​become a go-to person​ by mastering the art and science of
interpersonal skill​.
Follow the ​LAST model​ to build your personal brand as a Guru of ​interpersonal
skill​.
Learn​ - Invest time in learning different frameworks/ models/ techniques of
interpersonal skill
Apply​ -
Identify a model suitable to you
Create a template to document the flow of the process
Find opportunities to use the selected method/ template
Maintain record/ process flow of every important activities you did with
respect to ​interpersonal skill
Maintain notes of your thoughts/ insights/ failures/ challenges…. to be used
for sharing/ training others
Share​ - Share the insights captured in step 2 above in a planned manner (social
media posts, blogs, videos, study notes…)
Train​ - Generate opportunities to train your peers and team members so that, over
time, your organization benefits from your efforts
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Purpose of this document
I took a 66 day challenge​ to study Life Skills last year (10 April 2019). To my
astonishment, I succeeded in studying for 66 days one skill a day.
My objectives of learning these skills were - To strengthen my mind to face life’s
challenges with ease, To use these skills in my worklife for a better performance, To
use these skills in my personal life for enriching my relationships, To open new
possibilities to surprise myself.
This is my next 66 day challenge​ (from 10 April 2020) - To share my Life Skills
learning with my social media friends.
I pray that my toil helps you in your success journey.
What are Life Skills?
UNICEF​ defines Life skills as - ​psychosocial abilities​ for adaptive and positive
behaviour that enable individuals ​to deal effectively with the demands and
challenges of everyday life​. They are loosely grouped into three broad categories
of skills
- cognitive skills​ for analyzing and using information,
- personal skills​ for developing personal agency and managing oneself,
- inter-personal skills​ for communicating and interacting effectively with others.
Which LifeSkills are covered?
The ​World Health Organisation​ identified these basic areas of life skills that are
relevant across cultures:
1. Decision-making
2. Problem-solving
3. Creative thinking
4. Critical thinking
5. Communication
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6. Interpersonal skills
7. Self-awareness
8. Empathy
9. Coping with emotions
10. Coping with stress.
Some trivia
‘Life skills’ was never part of the school curriculum. WHO/ UNESCO mandated
academia to teach these skills in all schools across the globe in 1993.
Different countries educate their children in these skills with different objectives
- Zimbabwe and Thailand - prevention of HIV/AIDS
- Mexico - prevention of adolescent pregnancy
- United Kingdom - child abuse prevention
- USA - prevention of substance abuse and violence
- South Africa and Colombia - positive socialization of children.
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