Anger Management.docx

Anger Management
Training Manual

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Module One: Getting Started .............................................................................................................4
Workshop Objectives ......................................................................................................................4
Module Two: Understanding Anger....................................................................................................6
The Cycle of Anger..........................................................................................................................6
Understanding Fight or Flight..........................................................................................................8
Common Myths about Anger...........................................................................................................9
Module Three: Do’s and Don’ts........................................................................................................10
Unhelpful Ways of Dealing with Anger...........................................................................................10
Helpful Waysof Dealing with Anger...............................................................................................11
Module Four: Gaining Control ..........................................................................................................12
A Word of Warning.......................................................................................................................12
Using Coping Thoughts .................................................................................................................13
Using Relaxation Techniques.........................................................................................................14
Blowing Off Some Steam...............................................................................................................15
Module Five: Separate the People from the Problem........................................................................16
Objectivevs. Subjective Language..................................................................................................16
Identifying the Problem.................................................................................................................18
Using “I” Messages.......................................................................................................................18
Module Six: Working on the Problem...............................................................................................20
Using Constructive Disagreement ..................................................................................................20
Negotiation Tips...........................................................................................................................21
Building Consensus.......................................................................................................................22
Identifying Solutions .....................................................................................................................22

Module Seven: Solving the Problem.................................................................................................24
Choosing a Solution ......................................................................................................................24
Making a Plan ..............................................................................................................................25
Getting it Done.............................................................................................................................25
Module Eight: A Personal Plan..........................................................................................................27
Understanding Hot Buttons...........................................................................................................27
Identifying Your Hot Buttons .........................................................................................................28
A Personal Anger Log....................................................................................................................28
Module Nine: The Triple A Approach................................................................................................30
Alter ............................................................................................................................................30
Avoid ...........................................................................................................................................31
Accept..........................................................................................................................................32
Module Ten: Dealing with Angry People...........................................................................................33
Understanding the Energy Curve....................................................................................................33
De-escalation Techniques..............................................................................................................35
When to BackAway and What to Do Next......................................................................................37
Module Eleven: Pulling It All Together..............................................................................................39
Process Overview..........................................................................................................................39
Putting It into Action.....................................................................................................................40
Module Twelve: WrappingUp..........................................................................................................42
Words from the Wise....................................................................................................................42

Module One: Getting Started
Welcome tothe AngerManagementworkshop. BenjaminFranklin
once said,“In thisworld,nothingcanbe said to be certain,except
deathand taxes.”We wouldlike to adda thirditemto hislist:
anger.Angercan be an incrediblydamagingforce,costingpeople
theirjobs,personal relationships,andeventheirliveswhenitgets
out of hand.However,since everyone experiencesanger,itis
importantto have constructive approachestomanage iteffectively.
Thisworkshopwill helpteachparticipantshow toidentifytheir
angertriggersand whatto do whentheirangry.
Workshop Objectives
Researchhasconsistentlydemonstratedthatwhencleargoalsare associatedwith
learningthatthe learningoccursmore easilyandrapidly. Withthatinmind,let’s
reviewourgoalsfortoday.
By the endof thisworkshop, participants will be able to:
 Understandangerdynamicsintermsof the angercycle and the fightor flighttheory.
 Knowcommonangermythsand theirfactual refutations.
 Knowthe helpful andunhelpfulwaysof dealingwithanger.
 Knowtechniquesincontrollinganger,particularreadingangerwarningsigns,usingcoping
thoughts,exercisingrelaxationtechniquesandblowingoff steam.
 Understandthe difference betweenobjectiveandsubjective language.
 Knowtipsinidentifyingthe problem.
 Expressa feelingorpositionusingI-messages.
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot
coal with the intent of throwing it at
someone else; youare the one who gets
burned.
Buddha

 Knowskillsandtechniquesinmakingadisagreementconstructive,includingeffective
negotiationandsolution-building.
 Reflectonone’shotbuttonsandpersonal angerdynamics.
 Knowalter,avoidand,acceptways of respondingtoan anger-provokingsituation.
 Understandthe energycurve andhow itcan helpinrespondingtosomeone else’s anger.
 Learn andpractice de-escalationtechniques.
 Gain an integratedviewof angermanagementandhow itcan be bestpracticed.

Trigger
Escalation
Crisis
Recovery
Depression
The Cycle
of Anger
Normal/
Adaptive Phase
Module Two:Understanding Anger
Before we discussspecificangermanagementstrategies,itishelpful
to firstunderstandthe nature of anger.While mostare familiarwith
thisemotion, noteveryoneisaware of itsunderlyingdynamics.In
thismodule,we will discussthe cycle of anger, the fightorflight
response,andcommonmythsaboutanger.
The Cycle of Anger
Angerisa natural emotionthatusually stemsfromperceived threatorloss.It’sa
pervasive emotion;itaffectsourbody,thoughts, feelings, andbehavior.Angeris
oftendescribed intermsof itsintensity,frequency,duration, threshold, and
expression.
Angertypically followsapredictable pattern:acycle.Understandingthe cycle of
angercan helpus understandourown angerreactions, andthose of others. It can alsohelpus in
consideringthe mostappropriate response.
Illustratedbeloware the five phases of the angercycle:trigger,escalation,crisis, recovery,and
depression.
Anger alwayscomesfromfrustrated
expectations.
Elliot Larson

1. The Trigger Phase
The triggerphase happenswhenwe perceiveathreator loss,andour bodypreparesto respond. In
thisphase,there isa subtle change froman individual’snormal/adaptive state intohisstressed
state. Angertriggersdifferfrompersontoperson,and can come fromboth the environmentor
fromour thoughtprocesses.
2. The Escalation Phase
In the escalationphase, there isthe progressiveappearance of the angerresponse.Inthisphase,
our bodypreparesfora crisis afterperceivingthe trigger. Thispreparationismostlyphysical,andis
manifestedthroughsymptomslike rapidbreathing,increased heartrate, andraisedbloodpressure.
Once the escalation phase isreachedthere islesschance of calmingdown,asthisisthe phase
where the bodypreparesfor fightorflight(tobe discussedlater).
3. The CrisisPhase
As previouslymentioned,the escalationphaseisprogressive,anditisin the crisisphase thatthe
angerreactionreaches itspeak.In the crisisphase ourbodyis on full alert,preparedtotake action
inresponse tothe trigger. Duringthisphase,logicandrationalitymay be limited,if notimpaired
because the angerinstincttakesover. Inextreme cases,the crisisphase meansthatapersonmay
be a seriousdangertohimself ortootherpeople.
4. The RecoveryPhase
The recoveryphase happenswhenthe angerhasbeenspent,orat leastcontrolled,andthere isnow
a steadyreturnto a person’snormal/adaptivestate.Inthisstage,reasoningandawarenessof one’s
self returns.If the rightinterventionisapplied,the returntonormalcyprogressessmoothly.
However,aninappropriate interventioncanre-ignite the angerandserve asa new trigger.
5. The DepressionPhase
The depressionphase marksareturnto a person’snormal/adaptive ways.Physically,thisstage
marks belownormal vital signs,suchasheartrate,so that the bodycan recoverequilibrium.A
person’sfull use of hisfacultiesreturnatthispoint,andthe new awarenesshelpsapersonassess
whatjust occurred.Consequently,thisstage maybe markedbyembarrassment,guilt,regret,andor
depression.
Afterthe depressionphaseisareturnto a normal or adaptive phase.A new trigger,however,canstart
the entire cycle all overagain.
Belowisan example of apersongoingthroughthe five stagesof the angercycle.
Josephine came home fromworktosee dirtyplates leftinthe sink(triggerphase). She startedtowash
them,butas she was doingso she keptthinkingabouthow inconsiderateherchildrenare fornot
cleaningafterthemselves.She wasalreadytiredfromworkanddoesnotneedthe extrachore.She felt
the heat inherneck andthe tremble inherhandsasshe’swashingthe dishes (escalationphase).

Feelinglike she can’tkeepittoherself anylonger,she stormedupthe roomtoconfronther kids.Ina
raisedvoice,she askedthemhowdifficultcoulditbe towashthe dishes.She toldthemthattheyare
gettingpunishedfortheirlackof responsibility (crisisphase).
Havinggottenthe wordsout, she feltcalmer,andherheartbeatslowlyreturnedtonormal.She sawthat
herkidsare busywith homeworkwhenshe hadinterruptedthem.She wasalsobetterable toheartheir
reasoning,astheyapologized (recoveryphase).
Josephine regrettedyellingatherchildrenandtoldthemthat she’ssimplytiredandit’snottheirfault
(depressionphase).
NOTE: Howlongeach phase lastsdifferfrompersontoperson.Some peoplealsoskipcertainphases,or
else theygothroughthemprivatelyand/orunconsciously.
Understanding Fight or Flight
The Fightor Flighttheory,formulated byWalterCannon,describes how people
react to perceivedthreat.Basically, whenfacedwithsomethingthatcanharm
us, we eitheraggress (fight) orwithdraw (flight).Itisbelievedthatthisreaction
isan ingrainedinstinctgearedtowardssurvival.
The fightor flightinstinctismanifestedinbodilyways.Whenfacedwitha
threat,our bodyreleasesthe hormones adrenaline, noradrenaline, andcortisol.These chemicalsare
designedtotake usto a state of alertnessandaction. Theyresultinincreased energy,heartrate,slowed
digestion,andabove normal strength.
Understandingthe fightorflightinstinctcanhelpus understandthe dynamicsof ourangerresponse.
The followingare some of the implicationsof the fightandflighttheoryonanger management:
First,the theoryunderscoreshowangerisbuta natural response.There isnomoralitytoanger. Angeris
a resultof perceivedharmtoself,whetherphysical oremotional.
Second,thistheoryremindsusof the needtostay incontrol. Whenwe are angry,our rational self gets
overriddenbyabasicsurvival instinct.There’saneedto act immediately. Thisinstinctcanthenresultin
aggressiveness, over-reactivity, andhypervigilance,whichare all contraryto rational anddeliberate
response.Consciousefforttowardsself-awarenessandcontrol isneededsothat thisinstinctdoes not
overpowerus.

Common Myths about Anger
Here are five common myths about anger:
1. Anger isa bad emotion.
There isno such thing as a good or bademotion;they are instinctual reactions
and we don’tmake consciousdecisionsforthemtocome. Infact, some anger
reactionsare appropriate,suchas the angeragainstdiscrimination, injustice, andabuse. Whatcan
be judgedas positive ornegative/healthyorunhealthyishow we reacttoanger.
2. Anger needsto be ‘unleashed’forit to go away.
It’strue that angerneedstobe expressedinorderforsymptomstobe relieved.However,
expressingangerinverballyorphysicallyaggressivewaysare notthe onlyway to ‘unleash’anger.
Nor isangeran excuse forapersonto be aggressive.The expressionof angercanbe temperedby
rationalityandforethought.
Note that ventingangerdoesnotnecessarilyresultsintothe angerdisappearing,althoughventing
can relieve the symptoms.Attimes,processingpersonal experiences,seeingconcrete change and
genuine forgivenessare neededforangerto go away.
3. Ignoring anger will make it go away.
Generally,all kindsof emotionsdonotdisappearwhenignored.The angerjustgetstemporarily
shelved,andwilllikelyfindotherwaysof gettingexpressed.Itcan getprojectedtoanotherperson,
transformedintoaphysical symptom, orbuiltupfora biggerfuture blow up.Some of ourbehaviors
may evenbe unconsciouswaysof expressinganger.
While there are situationswhenit’sinadvisable toexpressyouranger immediately,the veryleast
youcan dois acknowledge thatitexists.
4. You can’t control your anger.
Thismyth isrelatedtothe second one.Asdiscussedearlier,the fightandflightinstinctcanmake
angeran overwhelmingemotion.However,thisinstinctdoesnotmeanthatyou’re buta slave to
your impulses.Awarenessof angerdynamicsanda consciousefforttorise above yourangercan
helpyouregaincontrol of your reactions.
5. If I don’t get angry, people will thinkI am a pushover.
It’strue that a personcan lose credibilityishe makesrulesandthenignoresviolations.However,
angeris notthe onlywaya personcan show that there are consequencestoviolations.Infact,the
mosteffective wayof instillingdiscipline inothersistohave a calm, non-emotional approachto
dealingwithrule-breakers.Calmandrationalitycancommunicate strengthtoo.

Module Three: Do’s and Don’ts
Now that we’ve establishedthatangerisa natural, unavoidable,
and instinctual reaction,let’slookathow we canrespondto
angerappropriately.Inthismodule,we willdiscussthe dosand
don’tsinrespondingtoanger.
Unhelpful Ways of Dealing with Anger
The followingare unhelpful ways ofdealingwith anger:
1. DON’T ignore the anger.
Some people respondtoangerbynotadmitting,eventothemselves,thatthey
are angry.Defense mechanismsoftenusedtoignore angerinclude laughingan
issue off,distractingone’sself fromthe problem, and trivializingthe trigger’s
impact.
2. DON’T keepthe anger inside.
There are people whodorecognize thatthey’re angry.However, theychoosetoobsessabouttheir
angerin silence ratherthanexpressit. Theycanbeargrudgesfora longtime. Peoplelikethis,also
called‘stuffers’, are more likelytodevelophypertensioncomparedtoothers.Theyare alsolikelyto
just‘explode’one day,once the angerhasbuiltto the pointthat theycan’tkeepitinside anymore.
3. DON’T get aggressive.
The right to ventyouranger doesn’textendtodoingitinwaysthat can hurt others,hurt yourself,
and damage property.Aggressioncanbe verbal or physical.
4. DON’T get passive-aggressive.
Passive-aggressivenessreferstoindirectandunderhandedmeanstogetback at the personwho
made youangry. Examplesof passive-aggressive behaviorsare gossiping,tardinessandbackbiting.
5. DON’T use non-constructive communicationstyles.
How much more grievousare the
consequencesof anger thanthe causesof
it.
Marcus Aurelius

Avoidthe use of indirectattacksand unproductive statements.These includeblaming,labeling,
preaching,moralizing, ordering,warning,interrogating,ridiculingandlecturing.
Helpful Ways of Dealing with Anger
The followingare helpful ways in dealingwithanger:
1. DO acknowledge that you are angry.
It isimportantthat youknowhowto recognize thatyouare angry, andgive
yourself permissiontofeel it. Thiscanbe as simple assayingto yourself “Iam
angry.” Remember,youcan’tcontrol somethingyoudon’tadmitexists!
2. DO calm yourself before yousay anything.
In the previousdiscussions,we sawhow there isa biological reasonwhyangercanfeel
overwhelming--- ourbodyisengagedina fightor flightresponse.Ithelpsthentodeferany
reactionsuntil youhave reachedthe returntonormal/adaptive phase of the angercycle.
Otherwise,youmightendupsayingordoingsomethingthatyou’dlaterregret. Count1to 10!
3. DO speak up, whensomethingis important to you.
Thisis the opposite to‘keepingitall in.’If a matteris importantto you,so muchso that keeping
silentwouldjustresultinphysical andmental symptoms,thenletitout.If it’snotpossible tospeak
to the personconcerned,atleastlookfora trustedfriendora mental healthprofessional.
4. DO explainhow you’re feelingin a manner that shows ownershipand responsibilityforyour
anger.
Take ownershipandresponsibilityforyourfeelings.Thismakesthe angerwithinyourcontrol (you
can’t control otherpeople).One waytotake ownershipandresponsibilityforyourangeris through
the use of I-messages,whichwould be discussedinalatermodule.

Module Four: Gaining Control
Angerisinstinctual,yes.Itisanemotionthatcomesunbidden and
we oftendon’thave a choice whetherwe wouldbe angryornot.
What we can do however,is take control of our angerwhenit
comes.Inthismodule,we will discusswaystogaincontrol overour
anger.Specificallywe willdiscussrecognizingwarningsigns,coping
thoughts,relaxationtechniquesandwaysto blow off steam.
A Word of Warning
The firststepin gainingcontrol of angeris to recognize its warningsigns. Youhave
to be aware of symptomsthatyour angeris aboutto buildup,sothat you can catch
yourself earlyandmake the necessaryintervention. Thisprocessinvolves taking
yourself fromthe ‘moment’and observingyourownreactions fromathirdperson
pointof view.
Warningsignsof angerexists inarange.Some are veryobvious;othersverysubtle.
Theydifferfrompersontoperson.
Signsof anger can be physical,mental, emotional, andbehavioral.
Physical signs of anger include:
 rapidheart rate
 difficultybreathing
 headache
 stomachache
 sweating
 feelinghotinthe face andneck
 shaking
Mental signs of anger include:
 difficultyconcentrating
People who fly into a rage alwaysmake a
bad landing.
Will Rogers

 obsessingonthe situation
 thinkingvengefulthoughts
 cynicism
Emotional signsof angerinclude:
 sadness
 irritability
 guilt
 resentment
 feelinglike youneedtohurtsomeone
 needingtobe alone
 needingtoisolate one’sself
 numbness
Behavioral signsof angerinclude:
 clenchingof fist
 poundingof fistona wall/table orany surface
 pacing
 raisingone’svoice
 any act of aggression/passive-aggression
Using Coping Thoughts
Once you realize thatyouare angry, or that you’re aboutto getangry,you can
start calmingyourself mentally. The followingare justafew mental scriptsyou
can use to keepyouranger undercontrol.
1. Calmdownfirst,and think thisthrough.
2. Thismay not be as bad as it seems.
3. Thisis justone incident --- itdoesn’tdefinemylife.
4. I am capable of managingthissituation.
5. It’salrightto be upset./ I have the rightto be upsetinthissituation./Iam angry.
6. What needstobe done immediately?(damagecontrol/solution-focusedmode).
7. Bad things/Mistakesdohappen/Nothingssaysthatthingswill gorightall the time.
8. There isno needtofeel threatenedhere.
9. I have no control overotherpeople andtheirfeelings.ButIhave control overmyself.

10. I have managedangersuccessfullybefore andIwill again.
Using Relaxation Techniques
Anotherwayto helpyoucontrol youranger isto intentionallyinduce yourself toa
state of calm. Thiscan helpespeciallyinaddressingthe physical symptomsof
anger.
Relaxationtechniquesthat you can do include:
1. Breathing Exercises
Deliberatelycontrollingyourbreathingcanhelpapersoncalmdown.Ways to dothisinclude:
breathingthroughone’snose andexhalingthroughone’s mouth,breathingfromone’sdiagram,and
breathingrhythmically.
2. Meditation
Meditation isa wayof exercisingmental discipline.Mostmeditationtechniquesinvolve increasing
self-awareness,monitoringthoughts,andfocusing.Meditationtechniques include prayer,the
repetitionof amantra,and relaxingmovementorpostures.
3. Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)
PMR is a technique of stressmanagementthatinvolvesmentallyinducingyourmusclesto tense and
relax. PMR usuallyfocusesonareasof the bodywhere tensioniscommonlyfelt,suchasthe head,
shoulders, andchestarea. It’sa way to exercise the powerof the mindoverthe body.
4. Visualization
Visualizationisthe use of mental imagerytoinduce relaxation.Some visualizationexercise involves
picturinga place of serenityandcomfort,suchas a beach or a garden.Othervisualizationexercises
involve imaginingthe releaseof angerina metaphorical form.Anexample of thislatterkindof
visualizationisimaginingone’sangerasa ball to be releasedtospace.
5. Music
Some people findlisteningtomusicas veryrelaxing.The kindof musicthat’scalmingdiffersfrom
personto person;traditional relaxationmusicincludesclassical pieces,acoustic sounds, andeven
ambientnoises.
6. Art and Crafts
There are people whofindworkingwiththeirhandsasa good wayto relax.Thisisespeciallytrue for
people whofeeltheirtensionsintheirhands.Drawing pictures,paperconstructionandsculpting
are justsome of the waysto de-stresswhenfacedwith anangertrigger. Artsand crafts are helpful
because itkeepsapersonfromobsessingonthe angerwhile he orshe isstill inthe recoveryphase
of the angercycle.

Blowing Off Some Steam
Anotherwayof controllingyourangerisby gettingthe angerenergyout--- blowing
off steam.These techniquesare especiallyhelpfulwhenyouare inthe crisisphase
of the angercycle.
The followingare some constructive ways of blowingoff steam:
1. Screaming
If the place wouldallowit,screamingcanhelprelease the tensionsandfrustrationsthatcome with
anger.Thinkof the thingthat angersyouthe most,buildmomentum, andletitoutinone bigshout.
You may alsoscreamout the wordsyou wishyoucould sayif the venue isappropriate;the louder
the scream,the better.
2. Physical Activity
Many people findexercise,sports,dancingandevenjustpacingabout,as effective waystovent
anger. Thismakessense;if the fightandflightresponse gearsapersonforphysical action,then
physical actionmightindeedbe the bestwaytodeal withthe anger.Physical activityisalsobelieved
to release endorphins,ournatural moodregulators.
3. PillowPunching
The needto fightbackmay be channeledthroughpunchingpillows.Pillowsprovide asafe wayto
release tensions;it’ssafe not justforthe objectof the angerbut alsofor one’sself.Related
techniquesinclude wringingouttowelsandbreaking oldplates.
4. Writing
If physical activitiesare notyourthing,youcan blow off steambyexpressingyourthoughtsand
feelingsinwriting.Youcanwrite inan unstructuredway,simplyputtingonpaperthe firstthingthat
comesto your mind.Youcan alsobe more creative aboutit,and channel yourangerthroughpoetry
or song.
5. Singing
Here’sa newone:ventyouranger bygoingto your nearestvideoke orkaraoke bar.Many people
findsingingtherapeutic,especiallyif the songlyricsandmelodymatchesone’s mood.

Module Five: Separate the People from the Problem
Angerisnot justpersonal.Itcan be relational aswell.When
managingangerthat involvesotherpeople,ithelpstohave
a problem-orienteddisposition, settingpersonalmatters
aside.Thiswaythe issue becomesanobjectiveand
workable issue.
In thismodule,we willdiscusswaystoseparate people from
the problem.Specifically,we will discussthe difference
betweenobjective andsubjective language,waystoidentify
the problem, andhow to use I-messages.
Objective vs. Subjective Language
One way tomake sure that a discussionremainsconstructiveistouse objective
rather thansubjective language.
Objective languageinvolvesstatingyourpositionusingreference pointsthatare
observable, factual, andfree frompersonal prejudices. Objective referencesdonot
change from persontoperson.
Thisis the opposite of subjective language,which isvague,biased,andoremotional. Youare using
subjective language whenyouare statingan opinion,assumption,belief,judgment,orrumor.
The use of objective languagekeepsthe discussiononneutral ground. It’slessthreateningtoa person’s
self-esteemandtherefore keepspeople frombeinginthe defensive.More importantly,objective
language can be disputedandconfirmed,whichensures thatthe discussioncangotowardsa solution.
Here are some guidelinesinthe use of objective vs.subjective language:
1. State behaviorsinsteadof personalitytraits.
Subjective:You’re an inconsideratesupervisor.
Objective:Youapprovedthe rule withoutconsultingwithusfirst.
It is wise to direct your anger towards
problems--- not people; to focusyour
energiesonanswers--- not excuses.
William Arthur Ward

2. Avoidvague referencestofrequency.Instead,use the actual numbers.
Subjective:Youare always late!
Objective:Youwere late formeetingsfourtimesinthe pastmonth.
3. Clarifyterms thatcan meandifferentlytodifferentpeople.
Subjective:Youpractice favoritism whenyougive promotions.
Objective:The employee rankingsystemisnotbeingfollowedduringpromotions.
4. Don’tpresume anotherperson’sthoughts, feelings, andintentions.
Subjective:Youhate me!
Objective:Youdonottalk to me whenwe are in a room together.
5. Don’tpresume an action youdidnot see or hear.
Subjective:She stole mywallet.
Objective:The walletwasinmydeskwhenIleft.Itwas nolongerthere whenIcame back,and she
was the onlypersonwhoenteredthe room.

Identifying the Problem
You can’t separate people fromthe problemif youdon’tknow whatthe problem
is.A goodway to move forward,ina discussionwhereangerisescalating,is
throughidentifyingthe problem.
Identifyingthe problemfocusesall energyonthe crisisathand ratherthan the
personsinvolvedinaconflict.The twopartiesfocustheirenergiesonacommon
enemythatisoutside of themselves,amove thatputs the twoopposingpartiesbackinneutral ground.
There are manyprocessesyoucan use to identifythe problem.Here isone of them:
STEP ONE: Get as muchinformationasyoucan why the otherparty isupset.
STEP TWO: Surface the otherperson’sposition.Reframe thispositionintoaproblemstatement.
Example:“Ican hearhowupset you are.Am I right in perceiving thatthe problem for you is thatyou
weren’tinformed of the accountbeing sold?”
STEP THREE: Reviewyourownposition.State yourposition inaproblemstatementaswell.Example:
“The problemforme is thatI don’thavetheresourcesto contactyou.The phonelines arenot working
becauseof the storm.”
STEP FOUR: Havingheard bothpositions,definethe probleminamutuallyacceptable way. Example:“I
hearthat you’d like to be informed of any sales.On my part,I’d like to informyou,butforas long as the
phonelines are dead,Ican’tsee howI would do it. I thinkthe issue here is aboutfinding an alternative
way to getthe information to you on time while the phonesarebeing repaired.Do you agree?”
If the twopartiesagree to the problemstatement,theycannow bothwork at the surfacedproblemand
take the focus awayfrom theiremotions.
Using “I” Messages
An “I-message”isamessage thatisfocusedonthe speaker.Whenyouuse I-
messages, youtake responsibilityforyourownfeelingsinsteadof accusingthe
otherpersonof makingyoufeel a certainway.The opposite of anI-message isa
You-message.
An “I-message”iscomposedof the following:
1. A descriptionof the problemorissue.
Describe the person’sbehavioryouare reactingtoin an objective,non-blameful,andnon-
judgmental manner.
“When... “

2. Its effecton youor the organization.
Describe the concrete ortangible effectsof thatbehavior.
“The effects are ...“
3. A suggestionforalternative behavior.
“I’d prefer...“
Here is an example of anI-message:
“When I haveto waitoutsidethe officean extra hourbecauseyou didn’tinformmethat you’d be
late (problem/issue),Ibecomeagitated (effect).Ipreferforyou to send me a messageif you will not
be able to make it (alternativebehavior).”
The most importantfeature of I-messagesisthattheyare neutral.There isnoeffortto threaten,
argue,or blame inthese statements. Youavoidmakingthe otherpersondefensive,asthe essence
of an I-message is"Ihave aproblem"insteadof "Youhave a problem". The speakersimplymakes
statementsandtakesfull responsibilityforhis/herfeelings.

Module Six: Working on the Problem
The escalationof angerin ‘hot’situationscan be easily prevented,if a
systemfordiscussingcontentiousissuesisinplace.Inthismodule,we
will discusshow toworkeffectivelyonthe problem.Specifically,we
will tackle constructive disagreement,negotiationtips,building a
consensusandidentifyingsolutions.
Using Constructive Disagreement
There isnothingwrongwithdisagreement.Notwopeopleare completely
similarthereforeit’sinevitablethattheywoulddisagreeonatleastone issue.
There’s alsonothingwronginhavinga positionanddefendingit.
To make the most of a disagreement,youhave tokeepitconstructive. The
followingare some of the elements of aconstructive disagreement:
 Solution-focus.The disagreementaimstofindaworkable compromiseatthe endof the discussion.
 Mutual Respect.Evenif the twopartiesdonot agree withone another,courtesyis alwaysapriority.
 Win-WinSolution.Constructive disagreementisnotgearedtowardsgettingthe “one-up”onthe
otherperson.The premiumisalwaysonfindingasolutionthathas benefitsforbothparties.
 Reasonable Concessions.More oftenthannot, a win-winsolution meansyouwon’tgetyourway
completely.Some degree of sacrifice isnecessarytomeetthe otherpersonhalfway.In constructive
disagreement,partiesare opentomakingreasonableconcessionsforthe negotiationtomove
forward.
Anyone can become angry---thatiseasy,
but to be angry with the right person, at
the right time, and for the right purpose
and in the right way--- that is not within
everyone’spowerand that isnot easy.
Aristotle

 Learning-Focus.Partiesinconstructive disagreementsee conflictsasopportunitiestogetfeedback
on howwell asystemworks,sothat necessarychangescanbe made. Theyalsosee itas a challenge
to be flexible andcreative incomingupwith solutionsforeveryone’sgain.
Negotiation Tips
Negotiationsare sometimesanecessarypartof arrivingat a solution.When
twopartiesare ina disagreement,there hastobe a processthatwould
surfacesareasof bargaining.Whenapersonisgiventhe opportunityto
presenthisside andargue forhis or herinterests,angerislesslikelyto
escalate.
The followingare some tipson negotiationduringa conflict:
1. Note situational factors that can influence the negotiationprocess.
Contextisan importantelementinthe negotiationprocess.The location of the meeting,the
physical arrangementof room,aswell asthe time the meetingisheld canpositivelyornegatively
influencethe participants’abilitytolistenanddiscern.Forexample, negotiationsheldinanoisy
auditoriumimmediatelyafterastressful daycanmake participantsirritable andlesslikelyto
compromise.
2. Prepare!
Before enteringanegotiatingtable,make yourresearch.Stackuponfacts to back up yourposition,
and anticipate the otherparty’sposition.Havingthe rightinformation canmake the negotiation
processrun fasterandmore efficiently.
3. Communicate clearly and effectively.
Make sure that youstate yourneedsandinterestsinaway thatis not opentomisinterpretation.
Speakina calmand controlledmanner. Presentargumentswithoutpersonalization. Remember,
your positioncanonlybe appreciatedif it’sperceivedaccurately.
4. Focus on the process as well as the content.
It’simportantthat youpay attentionnotjust to the wordsyouand the otherparty are saying,but
alsothe mannerthe discussionisrunning.Forexample,waseveryone able tospeaktheirposition
adequately,oristhere anindividualwhodominatesthe conversation? Are there implicitorexplicit
coercionshappening?Doesthe otherperson’snon-verbalbehaviorshow opennessandobjectivity?
All these thingsinfluence result,andyouwantto make sure that youhave the most productive
negotiationprocessthatyoucan.
5. Keepan open-mind.
Lastly,entera negotiationsituationwithanopenmind.Be willingtolistenandcarefullyconsider
whatthe otherpersonhasto say. Anticipate the possibilitythatyoumayhave to change your beliefs
and assumptions. Make concessions.

Building Consensus
Consensusmeansunanimousagreementonan areaof contention.Arrivingata
consensusisthe ideal resolutionof bargaining.If bothpartiescanfinda solution
that isagreeable tobothof them,thenangercan be preventedorreduced.
The followingare some tipson how to arrive at a consensus:
1. Focus on interestsrather than positions.
Surface the underlyingvaluethatmakespeopletake the positiontheydo.Forexample,the interest
behind arequestfora salary increase maybe financial security.If youcancommunicate tothe other
party that youacknowledge thisneed,andwillonlyofferapositionthattakesfinancial securityinto
consideration,thenaconsensusismore likelytohappen.
2. Explore options together.
Consensusismore likelyif bothpartiesare activelyinvolvedinthe solution-makingprocess.This
ensuresthatthere isincreasedcommunicationabouteachparty’spositions.Italsoensuresthat
resistancesare addressed.
3. Increase sameness/reduce differentiation.
A consensusismore likelyif youcanemphasize all the thingsthatyouandthe other partyhave in
common,and minimizeall the thingsthatmake youdifferent.Anincreasedempathycanmake
findingcommoninterestseasier.Itmayalsoreduce psychological barrierstocompromising.An
example of increasingsameness/reducingdifferencesisanemployerandemployee temporarily
settingaside theirpositiondisparityandlookingatthe problemastwostakeholdersinthe same
organization.
Identifying Solutions
Workingon a probleminvolvesthe processof comingupwithpossible
solutions. The followingare some waystwopartiesindisagreementcan
identifysolutionstotheirproblem.
 Brainstorm. Brainstormingisthe processof comingup with as many
ideas as youcan in the shortesttime possible.Itmakesuse of diversity
of personalitiesinagroup,so that one can come up withthe widestrange of freshideas.
Quantityof ideasismore importantthanqualityof ideasinthe initial stage of brainstorming;
youcan filteroutthe badoneslateron withan in-depthreviewof theirprosandcons.
 Hypothesize.Hypothesizingmeanscoming upwith‘whatif’scenariosbasedonintelligent
guesses.A solutioncanbe made fromimaginingalternativeset-ups,andstudyingthese
alternative set-upsagainstfactsandknowndata.
 Adopt a Model.You may alsolookfor a solutioninthe past.If a solution hasworkedbefore,
perhapsitmay workagain.Findsimilarproblemsandstudyhow itwashandled.Youdon’thave

to followamodel tothe letter;youare alwaysfree totweakitto fitthe nuancesof the current
problem.
 InventOptions. If there hasbeenno precedence foraproblem, it’stime toexercise one’s
creativityandthinkof newoptions.A wayto go aboutthisis to listdowneachparty’sinterests
and come up proposed solutionsthathave benefitsforeachparty.
 Survey.If the two partiescan’tcome up witha solutionbetweenthe twoof them, maybe it’s
time to seekotherpeople’spointof view.Surveypeople withinterestorbackgroundinthe
issue incontention.Findanexpertispossible.Justrememberthough,atthe endof the day the
decisionisstill yours.Identifyasolutionbasedonfacts,notonsomeone’sopinion.

Module Seven: Solving the Problem
Aftera constructive discussionof the problem,aswell as reviewof
available options,it’snow time togoaboutsolvingthe problem.
Solvingaproblemlessensits‘threat’aspect,makinglessananger
trigger.Inthismodule,we will discusselementsof solvingthe
problem.Particularly,we woulddiscuss choosingasolution,
makinga plan,and gettingitdone.
Choosing a Solution
You’ve alreadyidentifiedpossible solutionstoa problem.The nextthingtodois
howto narrow the listdownto the best.
The followingare some criteriayoucanuse when choosingsolutions.
 Costs and benefits.Anideal solutionisone that hasthe leastcostsand
mostbenefits.
 Disagreeingparties’interests.Anideal solutionhasfactoredin the impactonall parties
concernedandhas made adjustmentsaccordingly.
 Foresight.Anideal solutiondoesn’thave justshort-termgainsbitlongtermonesaswell.
 Obstacles.An ideal solutionhasanticipatedall possible obstaclesinitsimplementationandhas
made plansaccordingly.
 Values.Anideal solutionisone thatisconsistentwiththe mission-visionof the organization
and/or itsindividualmembers.
Anger is not bad. Anger can be a very
positive thing, the thing that movesus
beyond the acceptance of evil.
Joan Chittister

Making a Plan
You’ve alreadypickedasolutionforyourproblem.Now it’stime tocreate a
planfor itsimplementation.
The followingare some guidelineswhenmakinga plan.
1. Keepyour goal(s) central to you plan.
Everysolutionhasa goal.The goal isthe specificandmeasurable change thatyouwantto achieve
by implementingyoursolution.Whenyoumake plan,make sure thatall the stepsandprocesses
yououtline are movingtowardsthisgoal.
2. Break down your action plan intoconcrete steps.
A goodplanis concrete insteadof abstract, specificinsteadof generic. Thinkof the differentsteps
that youneedto doin orderto getto your ultimate goal andplanalongthose milestones.Notethe
deliverable permilestone.Indicatethe timeline foreachmilestone. Identifythe peopleresponsible
for eachtask.
3. Note all the resources you wouldneed.
There are twokindsof resources:humanandmaterial.Make a listof all humanand material
resourcesthatyou needto execute the action,andmake sure thattheyare all available.If theyare
not available,addanextraaction planto procure them.You wantto make sure that your planis
realisticgivenyourresources.
4. Plan how the solutionwouldbe evaluated.
A goodplandoesn’tjustinclude the stepstoexecute the program.Itshouldalsoinclude
mechanismsformonitoringprogressandevaluatingresults.Anevaluationplanensuresthatneeds
for planrevisioncanbe surfaced.
Getting it Done
An issue incontentionwill remainahot issue unlessthe planisimplemented.Itis
onlywhenconcrete change can be observedthatangercan be seriouslyaddressed.
The followingare some tipsin implementingasolution.
1. Stick to your plan.
Note the what,where,whenand,whoof yourplanand follow ittothe letter.
Thiswill keepyourendof the bargainexplicitandeasytomonitorandevaluate.Deviatingfromthe
plancan resultto additional anger,especiallyif youdeviatedinareasimportanttothe otherparty.

2. Monitor progressand results.
Keeptrack of whetherornot yoursolutionisaccomplishingthe goal.Make sure that youput
everythingonpaperforreadyreference later.Logdownbest practices,risksandobstacles
encountered.
3. Reward and revise accordingly.
If the solutionisworking,note progressandaffirmthe success.Thisgivesthe twopartiesasense of
accomplishment.More so,the nexttime theyhave a conflict,itcanserve as testamenttotheir
abilitytosolve aproblem.
If the solutionisnotworking,gatherfeedback.Surface the reasonwhythe solutiondoesnotseem
to be working.Make the necessarychangessothat you can revise the planasneeded.

Module Eight:A Personal Plan
Angerisdeeplypersonal.Effective angermanagementshouldtake
intoconsiderationindividual angerdynamics andtailor-fit
interventionstothem.Inthismodule we will discusswhathot
buttonsare,how to identify yourpersonal hotbuttons,andhow
youcan be benefittedbykeepingapersonal angerlog.
Understanding Hot Buttons
Hot buttonsare triggersthat make usreact withanger.Theyare not necessarilythe
real cause of our anger,but theycan be the one that ‘lightsthe fuse’.Triggersvary
inthe intensityof the angerreactiontheycanevoke;some canevoke
uncontrollablerage while othersmerelymildirritation.
Hot buttonscan be thingsthat fall shortof yourexpectations,blockyourgoals,
attack your self-esteem,violate yourvalues,and/orgive youa feelingof lossorhelplessness. A hot
buttonisusuallyone thatelicitsanintense reactionina person,orthe one that frequentlysparksanger.
These hotbuttons can be:
a. somethingwe observe(e.g.injusticeshappeningtootherpeople)
b. somethingwe think(e.g.the thinkingthatwe are alwaysthe target of a particularperson’s
mockery)
c. somethingwe feel(e.g.the feelingof beinghelpless)
d. somethingwe do (e.g.rescuingsomeone inajamevenif theydon’tdeserve ourhelp)
Everyone hasa hot button. Who ispushing
yours? While youprobably cannot control
that person, youCAN control the way you
react to them.
Anonymous

e. any combinationof the four
Identifying Your Hot Buttons
Hot buttonsdifferfrompersontoperson.Ourpersonal historiesinfluence what
wouldmake usangry. Some triggersare causedby conditioning, modeling, and
unresolvedissues.
A keyto seeingif ahot buttonisthe real cause of the anger,or justa trigger,isto
see if youranger reactionisproportionate towhatthe situationcallsfor.If you’re
angrierthan youshouldbe,perhapsthere isanunderlyingemotional issuethatneedstobe surfaced.
Awarenessof yourhotbuttonsisalreadywinninghalf the battle againstanger.If youknow whatcan
evoke youranger,youcan watch out forthem.
A Personal Anger Log
More oftenthannot,anger reactionsappearinpatterns.Thismeansthatthere
isa predictable structure thatthe angerreactionsfollow.Thispatternisunique
to each individual.
Unfortunately,itisdifficulttonotice thispatternunlessyoutake thatthird
personpointof view andstudyyouranger reactionsfroma distance.
Here is where keepingapersonal angerlogwouldhelp. A personalangerlogisa diaryof angerreactions
includingsymptoms,triggersandcopingstyles.Itisa way of increasingawarenessof angerpatterns
unique tothe individual. Withawareness,one canbetteridentify waystopreventandcope withanger
whenitcomes.
Keepingapersonal angerlog isalsoa good wayto blow off steam. Youmay treat isas a diary.Insteadof
a structuredtable,asthe one that will be presentedlater,youcanmake an unstructuredone tonote
your free floatingideasandfeelings.
Here is a sample template forapersonal angerlog:
MY PERSONAL ANGER LOG FOR WEEK 1
Date/
Time
Symptoms Before the anger, these are what I was My
Response
to the
Anger
Effect of
my Anger
Response
seeing thinking feeling doing

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Insights

Module Nine: The Triple A Approach
Angerisexacerbatedbya feelingof victimizationandhelplessness.It
helpstoknow thenthat we alwayshave at leastthree optionswhen
dealingwithananger-provokingsituation:youcanalter,avoidor
accept.
Alter
You are nota victimof yoursituation;youalwayshave the option of takinga
deliberateandwell-thoughtoutresponsetoan anger-provokingsituation.Your
optionstypicallyfallintothree categories: alter, avoid, oraccept.
Altermeansthatyou initiate change.Youcanchange thingsinyour environment
that are withinyourcontrol.Youcan also initiate changeswithinyourself.
The followingare ways that you can change to deal with anger more effectively.
1. Change non-productive habits.
If you knowthat youhave a particularway of doingthingsthat oftenresultintoanangersituation,
perhapsit’stime tobreakthe pattern.Forexample,if youknow thatmediatingafamilyquarrel
while yourmindistiredfromworkoftenleadstoblow-ups,thenre-schedule familymeetingsto
timeswhenyou’re more relaxed.
2. Respectfullyaskothers to change their behaviorand be willingto do the same.
You can’t control otherpeople’sthoughts, feelings, andbehavior.Youcan,however,letthemknow
that you’dappreciate achange.Waitingforlightningtostrike peoplewithhabitsthatirritate you
will nevergetyouanywhere,perhapsproactivecommunicationcan.
3. Change the way you viewa situation.
In the long run, we shape our lives, and we
shape ourselves. The processnever ends
until we die. And the choiceswe make are
ultimately our ownresponsibility.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Sometimes,it’sourinterpretationof asituationthatmakesusangry,rather than the situationitself.
What youcan dois change your wayof thinking.Forexample,irrational thoughtslike“Ihave to be
perfectat all times”usuallyresultinangerdirectedatone’sself whenfailureshappen.Maybe if you
start thinking“It’salrighttofail nowandthen,”thingswouldgeteasier.
4. Change the way you react to a situation.
You can alsodeliberatelychange the wayyourespond.Angerusuallybegetsanger;we raise our
voice whensomeone raisestheirvoice tous.Butif youtake a momentandfindotherwaysto
respond,thenmaybe youcanmanage your angerbetter.
Avoid
Avoidmeanssteeringclearof situationsthatcanmake you angry.
The followingare ‘avoid’ waysthatyou can doto deal withangermore
effectively.
1. Steerclear of people whomake you upset.
Angerisoftentriggeredbyinteractionswithdifficultpeople,orpeoplewho
just‘rub youthe wrong way.’If youknow that a personiselicitinganintense angerreactioninyou,
and youfeel thatyoucan’t control it,thenperhapsit’sbestthat youjusttake actionto avoidthis
individual.
2. Steerclear of your ‘hot buttons.’
One of the advantagesof knowingyourhotbuttonsisthat itenablesyoutostructure your day in
such a way thatavoidsthem.For example,if toomanydeadlinesmake youangryand stressed,then
learntime management --- ordon’ttake more projectsthanyoucan handle.Saying‘no’isa good
avoidresponse.
3. Remove yourselffrom a stressful situation immediately.
Anotheravoidinterventionsisimmediatelytakingyourselfawayfroma situationthatmightescalate
your anger.For example,if apeerprovokesyouranger,youdon’thave tostay aroundto listento
whathe has to stay.You can opt to walkawayand addressthe issue anotherday.

Accept
Unfortunately,there are some things thatwe cannotchange nor avoid.Inthis
case,we have to accept them.Thisistrue inmany thingsthatinvolve
unrecoverable losses,likeanaccidentorfinancial collapse.
The followingare examplesof accept responsesto dealingwithanger:
1. Findlearning.
Whenyouhave no choice but to accepta situation,make the mostof itby distillingthe lessonsfrom
the experience.Thiswayyoucanrecovercontrol by makingproactive changestopreventthe
situationfromhappeningagain.
2. Seekhigherpurpose.
Findingmeaningcanhelpinmanaginganger.Interpretingasituationbasedonone’sfaithlife,or
personal philosophy,canlessenitsthreateningimpactonthe self.Forinstance,there are people
whothinkthat everynegative experience isanopportunity,acall for change.
3. Ventto a friend.
If you can’t do anythingbutaccepta situation,atthe veryleastfindsomeone toshare your
experience with.Ventingwithatrustedfriendoramental healthprofessionalcanhelpyou
integrate the experience betterinyourlife.Thiscanhelpyoumove onfasterand more effectively.

Module Ten: Dealing with Angry People
It isnot justour own anger that can getoverwhelming.Anotherperson’s
blowupcan alsotriggerintense reactions inus,including shock, fear, and
evenreactive rage. Inthismodule we willdiscusshow we caneffective
deal withangrypeople.Specificallywe will talkaboutthe EnergyCurve,
de-escalationtechniques,andguidelinesonwhentoback awayand what
to do.
Understanding the Energy Curve
One of the trickythingsabouthandlinganotherperson’sangerisreactinginaway
that will notescalate the anger.Thisiswhere anunderstandingof the Energy
Curve can help.
The Energy Curve showsthe patterncommonlyfoundinangryreactions. Itshows
howangry reactionsprogressinstages,andineach stage there are appropriate
responses.
He who angersyou, conquersyou.
Elizabeth Kenny

RATIONAL BEHAVIOR
Take Off
Slow Down
Cool Down
OfferSupportive
Messagesat this Point!
THE ENERGY CURVE
ProblemSolvingis Possible.
Belowisan illustrationof the EnergyCurve:
Here are some key pointsto note about the Energy Curve:
1. RATIONAL BEHAVIOR. The baseline of the curve isrational behavior.Thisisthe stage whena
reasonable discussionaboutthe cause of the angercan happen.Before anangryreaction,a person
issaid to be inthat ‘rational’frame of mind.However,once the angryreactiontakesroot,people go
intoa state of mindnot conducive toreasoning.Itisimportantthentogetthe person backtoa
rational frame of mind.
IMPLICATION:Youcannot reasonwitha personduringthese times:whentheirangeristakingoff,at
the heightof theiranger/rage and evenat the pointwhentheyare coolingdown!You’ll justwaste
a perfectlygoodargument.
2. TAKE OFF.Angryreactionslowlybuildsmomentum,andthe pointwhenthe angerisgainingenergy
iscalledthe ‘take off’stage.The wayanger buildsinintensitydiffersfrompersontoperson.For
example,some people startwithhostilefacial reactions,whichprogressestoshouting,andwhich
progresses tohittingthe table. Otherpeople buildupangerinlessobviousways,theystartwith
keepingquietandthenprogressestophysicallywithdrawingthemselvesfromotherpeople.The
angerwouldcontinue tobuildenergyuntil itreachesitspeak.
IMPLICATION:Angernaturallybuildsenergyduringthe take off phase. Arguingbackatthispoint in
fact, any conversationwould justbe futile.Don’treact!Respond.
3. SLOW DOWN.In thisstage isthe mostintense of the person’sreaction.Itisaturning point;the
reactionstopsgainingmomentumandbeginsasteadydecline.

4. COOL DOWN. Once the angry reactionhasreacheditsheight,itwill startto subside.Youcantell by
observingthe person’s behavior--- oftentheirvoicesgodowntoa level tone,theyare notmoving
theirhandsas much andtheyseemto breathe easier.Unlessprovokedfurther,the personwill run
out of steam.However,if youstartarguingto the personoragitatingthe personevenduringthis
stage,the reactioncan take off once again.
IMPLICATION:Onlywhenthe angryreactionhassloweddowncanyouintroduce supportive
behavior.Supportive behaviorcanbe any statementthatacknowledgesthe anger,example:“Ican
see that thisisan upsettingexperience foryou.”
5. BACK TO RATIONAL BEHAVIOR. Once the individualhasreturnedtothisstage,youcan beginto
start talkingaboutthe problemreasonably.Youmayevenstartproblemsolvingatthispoint.
SUMMARY: Whena personisangry,justletthemvent!It’sthe fastestwayto deal withthe
situation.
De-escalation Techniques
De-escalationtechniquesare skilledinterventionsdesignedtofacilitatea
person’scoolingdownprocess,reduce the possibilityof gettingverballyor
physicallyhurt,andgaincontrol of the situation.
The followingare examplesof de-escalationtechniques:
Practice active listening.
Most of the time, all anangry personneedsisanopportunitytotell someone how theyfeel,andhave
theirangeracknowledged.Seeingthatyouare genuinelylisteningtotheirgrievance canhelp lessenthe
intensityof theirangryreaction.
The followingare some helpfulcomponentsof active listening:
a. Show non-verballythat you are listening.
Make sure that yourposture showsopenness. Establisheyecontact.Speakina soft,well-
modulated,non-threateningtone of voice.
b. Reflect.
Re-state whatyouhearfrom the person. Example:“ThisiswhatIheard fromyou:You are mad
because the package didnot arrive ontime.”
You can alsomirror back theirbodylanguage ina tentative but objective,non-judgmental
fashion.Example: “Ican see that you’re reallyupset.Youare claspingthe deskverytightly.”
c. Clarify.

Helpthe personmake sense of theirgarbled,confusing,and orillogical statements.“Couldyou
helpme explaintome a bitmore aboutwhat happenedinthe cafeteria?Whatdo youmeanby
‘he bulliedyou’?
1. Increase personal space.
Angercan escalate if a personfeelsthathe isbeingstifled.Make sure yourbodylanguage isnon-
threatening.Create distance betweenyouandthe person.
Helpthe person recovera sense of control.
Angrypeople mayfeel victimizedbyasituation,andmayneedtorecoverevenasmall sense of
control.You can helpdothisby:
a. Givingthemchoices.
Example:“Wouldyoulike tomove toa differentareaandtalk?”
b. Seekingtheirpermissionto speak.
Example:MayI tell whatI thinkabout what justhappened?
c. Focusingonimmediate solutions.
Example:“Whatdo youthinkwe can do todayto helpsolve thisissue?”
Orientthem to immediacy.
People temporarilylosestrackof theirimmediate surroundingsatthe heightof getting
overwhelmed.Orientingthe persontothe time,hislocation,andwhohe iswithcan helpde-
escalate a person.Ithelpsapersonfeel lessthreatenedif he knowswhere he isandhow he got
there.The goal alsois to shifthimfromattendingtohisoverwhelmingfeelingstorecovering
rationality.
Invite criticism
Askthe angry personto voice hisor hercriticismof yourself orthe situationmore fully.Youmight
say somethinglike,"Goahead.Tell me everythingthathasyou upset.Don'tholdanythingback.I
wantto hear all youhave to say."
Agree if possible.Ifnot, agree to disagree.
There are caseswhenangeristriggeredbya legitimate grievance.Inthese cases,itcanhelpa
personlose steambyhearingsomeone validatethe presenceof injustice.Atthe veryleast,agreeing
that a personhas a rightto the opiniontheyhave canhelpde-escalateanger.

Reiterate your support.
Emphasize yourwillingnesstohelp. Example:“Okay.Idon’tknow how thisthingcouldhave
happened,butyouhave myassurance that I’ll staywithyouuntil we figure itout.”
Set limits.
Tell the personthatyou are willingtolisten,butyou’dappreciate thatthe tonesdownthe
expressionof hisanger.
Example is:“I’mlisteningrightnow.I’dlike totalk,butwithoutthe shouting.Whenyoushoutitis
distracting,andif thisissue isimportanttoyou,thenI want to be able to concentrate without
hearingyouraise yourvoice.Canwe start again?How didI upsetyou?“
When to Back Away and What to Do Next
Notall angryreactionscan be effectivelydealtwith.Here are situationswhenit
ismore advisable tobackaway:
1. Whenyou are too affectedby an issue to viewit objectively.
De-escalatingangerrequiresthatyoucantake yourself outof anissue,even
temporarily,andlookatitobjectively.However,if the issuehaspersonal
meaningforus,or we are too tiredto properlyintervene,thenwe don’thave the resourcesto de-
escalate the anger.
WHAT TO DO: Withdrawfromthe situationandtalkto someone youtrustaboutyourown feelings.
2. Whenthere are warning signs for verbal and/ or physical violence.
Your priorityisalwaysyourwell-beingandsafety.
Warningsignsfor violence includeahistoryof violentbehavior,severerage forseeminglyminor
reasons,possessionof weapons andthreatsof violence.
WHAT TO DO: Get as far away fromthe personas youcan! Go to a publicplace.
3. Whenthere is influence ofmood-alteringsubstances.
No de-escalatingtechniquecanhelpyoudeal withapersonwhohas takenalcohol andmood-
alteringdrugs(bothlegal e.g.some anti-depressants, andillegal e.g. hallucinogens).
WHAT TO DO: Disengage fromthe conversation andtalktothemwhenthey’re sober!
4. Whenno amount of rational interventionseemstowork.
There are momentswhenapersonishell-bentonraging,andthe angerwill escalate regardlessof
whatinterventionyouuse.Itispossible thatthe strengthof the angerissignificantlymore thanthe

person’sresourcestocope.Thisissignaledbyatendencyforthe anger tostill take off evenafter
slowingdownandcoolingdown,despite the absence of provocation.
WHAT TO DO: Disengage fromthe conversationandre-schedule the talkforanothertime.
5. Whenthere are signs ofseriousmental healthconditions.
While there are nocategoriesof angerdisordersinthe DiagnosticManual of Mental Disorders-IV
(the reference of mostmental healthprofessionals),some seriousmental healthconditionsare
relatedtoanger.In these cases,intensivetherapyand/orpsychiatricmedicationsmaybe most
appropriate.Asa rule,people whosufferimpairmentof reality testingcannotbe expectedtobe
rational or reasonable.
Signsto watchout for: persecutoryorparanoiddelusions,hallucinations,pasthistoryof violence
basedon delusions.
Chronicand rigid patternsof the use of anger as copingmechanismmaypointtoa personality
disorder.
WHAT TO DO: Compassionate understandingiskey! However,disengageyourself immediately as
some psychoticsymptomsare correlatedwithatendencytowardsviolence.Refertothe
appropriate mental healthprofessional.

Module Eleven: Pulling It All Together
We’ve now come to the conclusionof ourworkshop.Sofar,
we’ve presentedtoyoudifferenttechniquesthatcanhelpyou
manage your angerbetter.Inthismodule,we will show how
these differenttechniquescome together.We will alsogive
additional tipstohelpyouinpracticingthese anger
managementtechniquesmore effectively.
Process Overview
The followingdiagramisasummaryof all the angermanagementtechniques
discussedinthisworkshop.The techniquescanbe summarizedintofourmain
steps:be informed,be self-aware,take control, andtake action.
If youdo not wish to be prone to anger, do
not feed the habit. Give it nothing which
may tend to its increase.
Epictetus

Putting It into Action
The followingare tipsinputtingangermanagementtechniquesintoaction:
1. Findyour motivation
As withanyplantowardsbehavioral change,ithelpstosustainyour
motivation.Habitsare hardto breakand unlessthere issomethingstrong
that can inspire youtochange,your effortsmaynotgetfollowedthrough.So
findyourmotivation!Youcan rememberanegative effectof angerinyour
life,suchashealthproblemsorpoorqualityof relationships,anduse itto encourage.Youmay also
picture howthingscouldbe differentif youcanmanage your angerbetter.
2. Choose only one change at a time.
Don’texpectchange to happenovernight. Afterall,thesemaybe lifetimehabitsthatyouare trying
to change.Instead,sticktomanagingone issue ata time.Developgoalsthatare realistic,otherwise
youmightjust endupfrustratingyourself.
3. Reward yourself for your successes.
If you’ve successfullymanagedtochange,affirmyourself!Anysuccess,nomatterhow small,shows
that youare capable.
4. Choose an accountability partner.
It helpstonot keepyourgoalsto yourself.Instead,selectatrustedfriendwhoknowswhatyouare
tryingto accomplish.Thisfriendcanencourage youwhenyouneedadditional motivation,canspur
TAKE CONTROL
*use coping
thoughts
*try relaxation
techniques
*blow off steam
BE SELF-AWARE
Study…
*your warning signs
*your hot buttons
* your helpful ways of
dealing with anger
*your unhelpful ways
of dealing with anger
*personal anger
dynamics
BE INFORMED
Know…
*the anger cycle
*the fight and flight
response
* do’s and don’ts of
anger management
TAKE ACTION
* Alter, Accept, Avoid
*Identify the problem
*Disagree constructively
*Negotiate
*Find a solution, Build a
consensus
*Make a plan, Get it
done
*De-escalate the other
person’s anger
*Back away when
needed

youto action whenyou’re lagging,andcancheckif you are workingatthe pace youpromisedyou
would.
5. Seeka mental healthprofessional.
If you’re reallystrugglingwithangerproblems,oryoujustneedadditional support,remember:you
can alwaysseeka mental healthprofessional.Counselors, therapists, andpsychiatristare all trained
to addressangerand itsimpacton your life.

Module Twelve:Wrapping Up
Althoughthisworkshopiscomingtoa close,we hope thatyour
journeytoimprove youranger managementskillsisjustbeginning.
Please take amomentto review andupdate youractionplan.This
will be a keytool to guide yourprogressinthe days,weeks,months,
and yearsto come.We wishyouthe bestof luck onthe restof your
travels!
Words from the Wise
 Yogi Berra: In theorythere isnodifference betweentheoryand practice.In
practice there is.
 Dwight Eisenhower:Plansare nothing;planningiseverything.
 Jonas Salk: The rewardforwork well done isthe opportunitytodomore.
This feeling, finally, that we may change
things- this is at the centre of everything we
are. Lose that... lose everything.
Sir David Hare

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