Mentoring Circle 01.31.2020 - Hardwiring Happiness
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The document discusses building emotional intelligence and resilience. It explains that people have innate strengths like self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, and social skills that can be developed. These strengths help people meet challenges and protect vulnerabilities by allowing them to stay in a responsive mode of feeling safe, satisfied and connected, rather than a reactive mode of feeling unsafe, dissatisfied and disconnected. The document provides strategies for taking in positive experiences, linking them to negative ones, and practicing strengths to develop a more positive inner world.
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Mentoring Circle 01.31.2020 - Hardwiring Happiness
- 1. Hardwiring Happiness The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence Mary Fisher - 01.31.2020
- 2. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 2 2 Fear and Negative Thought
- 3. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 3 3 Inner Strengths • Positive mood, common sense, integrity, inner peace, determination, a warm heart • Self-compassion, secure attachment, emotional intelligence, learned optimism, relaxation response, self-esteem, distress tolerance, self-regulation, resilience, executive functions
- 4. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 4 4 Emotional Intelligence Model Self- Awareness Self- Regulation Empathy Social SkillsMotivation
- 5. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 5 5 Emotional Intelligence EI Component Definition Hallmarks Example Self-awareness Knowing one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drive, values, and goals—and their impact on others • Self-confidence • Realistic self-assessment • Self-deprecating sense of humor • Thirst for constructive criticism A manager knows tight deadlines bring out the worst in him. So he plans his time to get work done well in advance. Self-regulation Controlling or redirecting disruptive emotions and impulses • Trustworthiness • Integrity • Comfort with ambiguity and change When a team botches a presentation, its leader resists the urge to scream. Instead, she considers possible reasons for the failure, explains the consequences to her team, and explores solutions with them. Motivation Being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement • A passion for the work itself and for new challenges • Unflagging energy to improve • Optimism in the face of failure A portfolio manager at an investment company sees his fund tumble for three consecutive quarters. Major clients defect. Instead of blaming external circumstances, she decided to learn from the experience—and engineers turnaround. Empathy Considering others’ feelings, especially when making decisions. • Expertise in attracting and retaining talent. • Ability to develop others • Sensitivity to cross cultural differences An American consultant and her team pitch a project to a potential client in Japan. Her team interprets the client’s silence as disapproval, and prepares to leave. The consultant reads the client’s body language and senses interest. She continues the meeting, and her team gets the job. Social Skill Managing relationships to move people in desired directions • Effectiveness in leading change • Persuasiveness • Extensive networking • Expertise in building and leading teams A manager who wants his company to adopt a better internet strategy. He finds kindred spirits and assembles a de facto team to create a prototype website. He persuades allies in other divisions to fund the company’s participation in a relevant convention. His company forms an internet division and puts him in charge of it.
- 6. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 6 6 Challenges and Vulnerabilities How you feel and act over the course of your life and in specific relationships and situations, is determined by 3 factors: 1. Challenges you face 2. Vulnerabilities these challenges grind on 3. Strengths you have for meeting your challenges and protecting your vulnerabilities
- 7. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 7 7 Imagine Your Mind Is Like a Garden
- 8. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 8 8 Looking Out for You • Your brain is looking out for potential dangers or losses • Bad experiences over power good ones • Need 5 positive interactions to balance every 1
- 9. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 9 9 Responsive Mode Characteristic Avoiding Approaching Attaching Sense of self Safe Satisfied Connected View of world Protection Sufficiency Inclusion Stance Confident Fulfilled Related Copes through Asserting Aspiring Caring Related actions Dignity, gravity, restraint Generosity, creativity Empathy, compassion, kindness, cooperation, affection Central experience Peace Contentment Love Related feelings Strong, calm, relaxed, agency, efficacy Grateful, glad, enthusiastic, accomplished Seen, liked, appreciated, worthy, cherished
- 10. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 10 10 Reactive Mode Characteristic Avoiding Approaching Attaching Sense of self Unsafe Dissatisfied Disconnected View of world Danger Scarcity Exclusion Stance Aversive Coveting Separated Copes through Resisting Grasping Clinging Related actions Appease, freeze, flee, fight Drivenness, addiction Reproach, quarreling, prejudice Central experience Fear Frustration Heartache Related feelings Angry, immobilized, defeated, weak, overwhelmed, helpless Disappointed, failed, sad, grieving Hurt, dismissed, abandoned, mistreated, provoked, jealous, rejected, lonely
- 11. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 11 11 Taking In the Good HEAL 4 Steps: 1. Have a positive experience. 2. Enrich it. 3. Absorb it. 4. Link positive and negative material.
- 12. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 12 12 Fear In a Hat
- 13. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 13 13 Practice Linking Positive to the Negative
- 14. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 14 14 Novelty • Look for unexpected rewards in your experiences
- 15. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 15 15 Attaching to Others Negative Material Positive Experience Abandoned, neglected Feeling loved Ignored, misunderstood Feeling seen, receiving empathy Left out, excluded Belonging, feeling wanted Inadequacy, shame, worthlessness Feeling recognized, appreciated, prized Loneliness Friendship, being kind to others, being caring towards oneself False front, “imposter syndrome” Feeling accepted, accepting oneself, sincerity Resentment, anger at someone Assertiveness, support from others, self- compassion
- 16. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 16 16 Avoiding Harms Examples Negative Material Positive Experience Weakness Strength Anxiety, fear, worry Reassurance, relaxation, seeing strengths, noticing you’re alright right now Sensitivity, quick activation of the flight-or- flight sympathetic nervous system Soothing of the senses, activation of the calming, rest-and-digest parasympathetic nervous system
- 17. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 17 17 Approaching Rewards Examples Negative Material Positive Experience Disappointment, sadness, loss Gratitude, gladness, pleasure, gain Frustration Accomplishment, seeing goals attained Failure Success
- 18. IV CONFIDENTIAL-INTERNAL USE ONLY Copyright © 2019 Intellectual Ventures Management, LLC (IV). All rights reserved. 18 18 21 Jewels Growing key strengths inside yourself:
Editor's Notes
- In October, I picked up Rick Hanson’s book Hardwiring Happiness after Scott Crabtree of “Happy Brain Science” recommended it at a conference. Why are we talking about hardwiring happiness? We spend so much time focusing on the bad, worrying about the bad, that we don’t celebrate the good, our wins, and successes enough. And doing this, just brings us into a vicious circle of bad that our interactions with people in our day-to-day become harder, scarier, and less rewarding. We can change that.
- In Hardwiring Happiness, Rick Hanson introduces our inner strengths. These are as follows. These directly tie back to the 5 key components of EI that Jennifer and Dan covered in our last session.
- 5 seconds For a quick reminder of those.
- 5-10 seconds This is from HBR “What Makes a Great Leader”
- Lead with (and ask, if people feel comfortable to raise their hands): How many of you were bullied as a child? Felt like an outsider? Faced many challenges? Felt vulnerable or alone?
- You could be with it, weeds and flowers without judging or changing anything You could pull wees by decreasing negative thoughts You could grow flowers by increasing the positive thought in your mind How do you grow good experiences in your mind? Take in experiences of them. Self-directed neuroplasticity.
- Think about the time someone, a friend, partner, or coworker, got angry with you and you felt anxious about it. The other person’s anger activated your amygdala like a charging cheetah would have a million years ago. Over time negative experiences make the amygdala even more sensitive to the negative. The alarm bell can ring more easily and more loudly. Feeling stressed, worried, irritated, or hurt today makes you more vulnerable to feeling stressed, etc. tomorrow, and the day after that leading to a vicious cycle.
- In the book, Rick Hanson educates us on our Responsive Modes and Reactive Modes. In the responsive mode, you meet challenges without them becoming stressors. This table summarizes the responsive mode of the avoiding, approaching, and attaching systems. In this mode, you’re not pressured or rattled; nothing is out of whack. There’s a sense of ease, comfort, ongoing all-rightness.
- Stuck on Red The reactive mode is the red zone – we’re not meant to be here long. Going red feels bad emotionally, shifts perspectives negatively, and impairs learning. It sucks up resources that could have been used for pleasure and ease, and for personal healing and growth. It makes us hunker down, muzzle self-expression, and dream smaller dreams. It has powerful negative effects.
- Have a positive experience – Let it become an emotionally rewarding experience; otherwise, it’s merely positive thinking Enrich it – Find something fresh or novel about it; recognize how it’s personally relevant, how it can help you, make a difference in your life Absorb it – Link positive and negative material – For example, when you feel included and liked these days, you could sense this experience making contact with feeling of loneliness of your past This is optional. You can use the HEAL steps for any positive experience. Perhaps you’d like to feel less worried, self-critical, or insecure. Perhaps you’re dealing with a tough situation at home or work, of you’d like to feel motivated to exercise more or drink less. EXAMPLE: “I was having panic attacks, so each day I went out on my back porch and focused on my garden. I would look at the plants I love and watch the insects buzz around, the birds hop between plants… For a few minutes I would take in the safety of my garden. Sometimes I imagined this confidence and peace making a golden protective bubble around me. Then I would pick up a small object from the garden and put it in my pocket. When I started to feel uncomfortable anxiety, I held the object, remembering how I felt in my garden, and bringing those feelings of strength and peace into my mind.” Now you try. Think of a negative experience you are dealing with, and try linking positive material with it to overcome it.
- Shorter 10 min exercise. Pre-hand sheets of paper and writing utensils. Allow about 3 minutes of writing time, and 1-2 minutes each for people to read/explain the fear they picked out of the hat. Distribute a sheet of paper and a writing utensil to each person. Instruct them to anonymously write a fear or worry that they have. Tell them to be as specific and as honest as possible, but not in such a way that they could be easily identified. After everyone is done writing a fear/worry (including the group leaders), collect each sheet into a large hat. Shuffle the sheets and pass out one per person. Take turns reading one fear aloud, and each reader should attempt to explain what the person who wrote the fear means. Do not allow any sort of comments on what the reader said. Simply listen and go on to the next reader. After all fears have been read and elaborated, discuss as a whole group what some of the common fears were. (Go to the next slide for this to practice linking the fear to positive material.) This teambuilding exercise can easily lead to a discussion of a team contract, or goals that the group wishes to achieve. This activity also helps build trust and unity, as people come to realize that everyone has similar fears.
- With a couple of the common fears in the group, practice linking these fears to positive experiences. How might you deal with those now that you’ve learned about hardwiring happiness?
- Such as a sense of “I didn’t expect this subtle flavor of curry in my soup” or “I didn’t know it would feel this good to hug you” – which will lift dopamine levels and thus promote registration of the experience in your brain. The brain searches for senses of novelty. Let these things stick.
- Reinforcing what you learned – How might you attach positive experiences to negative material? Here’s some examples. For example, you felt left out when a group of friends did something together but didn’t invite you. Think back to a time when you were included with a group of friends.
- Can skip this slide if not enough time. Reinforcing what you learned – How might you attach positive experiences to negative material? Here’s some examples. Think back to the example of the person with the pebble in their pocket who felt anxiety, and used it to think of time of relaxation, reassurance to link it to a positive experience.
- Can skip this slide if not enough time. Reinforcing what you learned – How might you attach positive experiences to negative material? Here’s some examples. Think of a time you were frustrated with something at work, and then think of a time where you accomplished something or attained a goal at work that was successful.