My personal philosophy on how utilizing the style of courageous (yet compassionate) communication can improve relationships both personal and professional.

1. COURAGEOUS COMMUNICATION
By: Lynn Walder (May 2013)
I have a very clear vision of what communication should feel like (yes, I said feel
like!) and how powerful/positive it can be when delivered in a mindful fashion.
The more I witness interactions among individuals, along with friends, family and
colleagues coming to me for advice on how to deal with difficult situations, I see
that lack of communication seems to be a common thread among the discord,
insecurity, hurt, shame, & fear. After 15 years of testing out different
communication techniques in varying situations (both personal and
professional), I realized that I was telling the same stories in reference to these
techniques over and over again - so I decided to gather them all into one place
for any other seekers out there.
Whenever I have a person start to frustratingly vent about their friend, their
significant other, their boss or their work colleague, the first thing I ask them is,
“Have you tried to sit down and talk with the person to let them know how you
really feel?” Many times their eyes go wide and they reply with something along
the lines of “No way, I’ll get fired!” or “Why bother, he/she won’t change.” I
then challenge them by saying – “If you are upset about this
situation/relationship, venting never solves anything! As long as you stay silent,
you are 50% the problem when instead you could be 50% of the solution. You
have to give the other half a chance to change, and right now you have
condemned them before even giving them that chance.”
This is where I then start talking about my personal guidelines for “Courageous
Communication”.
Courageous Communication is not a one size fits all approach. Instead it is
tailored to the individual you are trying to reach. The ultimate goal is to reach
that person at their most basic human level – that of their soul, the part that
connects us all. I don’t actually say this exact sentiment to people I offer
communication advice too, but the underlying essence of my instructions
always align with this singular goal. So how do you set yourself up for
Courageous Communication? My baseline rules are below:
Time is of the essence
Don’t let hurt feelings fester – getting in your head and stewing over it will
only make the resolution that much harder to get to.

2. Acknowledge varying perspectives
Realize that perception is reality and your perception is probably very
different from the person on the other end of this conversation. You have to
let go of right or wrong, because with varying perceptions, technically there
is no absolute.
Remember, we are all HUMAN
Set the communication stage with empathy & compassion. Even those really
challenging individuals have doubts, insecurities, fears and failures. When you
can view the other person through a lens of empathy & compassion, it
softens the edges on everything which will in turn make the overall
communications more effective.
Content Integrity
Leave “everyone else” out of your conversation. This conversation is between
you and the other individual alone. Don’t use terms like “Everyone thinks this
about you” or ” So-and-so also feels this way”. This type of talk sets you up for
a potential blow-out because it makes the other person feel like you are
ganging up on them. Only focus on how the interactions are making YOU
feel, but you also have to be careful about making the conversation entirely
about you, because in the end there are two people in this conversation.
Ignorance can be bliss (for the other person!)
Always go in giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume
that the person actually realizes how deeply their words/actions/in-actions
are affecting you – they honestly may have no clue!
Don’t be the “Bull-in-a-China-Shop”
Set the stage for a mutual coming together of the minds – leave your ego
out of it. Many times, we go into a difficult conversation with the idea that “I
am right and I am going to win”. But in reality, you may have to do some
changing yourself. If you go in with the mindful intent of realizing that you also
are responsible for the outcome or solution, the defensive barrier of both
sides can be significantly reduced allowing for a more meaningful
conversation. I usually say something like “I want to know what I can be
better at for you so that we can work through this together.”
Communication style Alignment
Choose the appropriate method of communication. Face-to-face is NOT

3. always the best option. Some individuals become VERY defensive and
agitated when difficult conversation topics are broached – especially if it has
to do with them! Also, sometimes it takes time for people to digest the
information and allow for a thoughtful response – which is why for those
people, I strongly suggest writing a letter. I had a boss who clearly stated he
wanted people to speak with him face-to-face about any issues, but I
witnessed first-hand how conversations were very uncomfortable, difficult
and often un-resolved due to his upfront defensiveness. I had a personal
grievance which many others had also complained of, but which no one
was ever willing to speak to him about. So instead of going to his office in
person, I wrote him a compassionate letter about how his actions, which I
believed he wasn’t even aware of (because I knew how wonderful of a
person he was), really hurt and belittled me. I didn’t hear from him for 24
hours and honestly, I thought I may be fired. But then he called me into his
office the 2nd day and told me how grateful he was for the letter and how
sorry he was for his actions – he had no idea of his actions and how they so
deeply affected me. From that day forward he made a concerted effort to
change, and everyone in the office (including my boss) benefited.
Clarity around Cause/Effect = Successful Behavioral Change
Always offer 2 to 3 very specific examples of when, what & how the other
person’s words/actions affected you. If you go in with very vague
terminology (i.e You make me feel like a failure or I don’t think you like me”),
this doesn’t allow for tangible actions to come forth and support a solution. In
the example above with my boss, I pointed out 2 different times he used
hurtful body-language – they were recent enough for him to remember so he
could easily attach a cause & effect moment to it. Understanding that cause
and effect is the first step towards being able to recognize & change.
No regrets
Let go of control & fear. I truly believe that if you go into a difficult
communication meeting with an honest open heart, and a mindful self-
awareness of the humaneness within us all, the end result will turn out in your
favor. Even if the other person doesn’t come around to your views, you at
least know that you have tried everything to help the situation. At that point
you can let go of the worry and the unknown and in the worst-case scenario,
take action for change from your end without any regrets.
These guidelines of engagement for Courageous Communication don’t only
pertain to difficult interactions! I find that many of us get caught up in life and
pass over opportunities to share with those around us wonderfully positive

4. feedback because it may seem too awkward or out of place. Can you imagine
the type of world we could create if each of us told someone in our life how
wonderfully awesome they were whenever we felt like saying it?
I make it a regular practice to write a detailed thank you notes to my
boss/colleague/friends at totally random times letting them know how important
they are to me (tones vary depending on the relationship). But the bottom line is
that I listen to my gut and if I feel some praise coming on, I don’t hold it back
because “I don’t have enough time” or the person may be embarrassed by it.
These are the interactions that link us together and create wonderful ripple
effects that we may not even have the opportunity to witness.
I hope that you find time to implement courageous communication in your life –
I believe in my heart of hearts that this type of interaction could heal so many
wounds, build so many bridges and empower so many souls. May your
communication journey be one of conviction, compassion AND courage!