Premarital counseling is a type of therapy that helps couples prepare for marriage. Premarital counseling can help ensure that you and your partner have a strong, healthy relationship — giving you a better chance for a stable and satisfying marriage. This kind of counseling can also help you identify weaknesses that could become problems during marriage.

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PRE MARITAL
COUNSELING
Hansala Indrachapa

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PRE MARITAL COUNSELING
Premarital counseling is a type of therapy that helps couples prepare for marriage.
Premarital counseling can help ensure that you and your partner have a strong, healthy
relationship — giving you a better chance for a stable and satisfying marriage. This kind of
counseling can also help you identify weaknesses that could become problems during
marriage.
Premarital counseling is often provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family
therapists. These therapists have graduate or postgraduate degrees — and many choose to
become credentialed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
(AAMFT). Counseling might be offered through religious institutions as well. In fact, some
spiritual leaders require premarital counseling before conducting a marriage ceremony.
Some religions require premarital counseling, so for some of you, it will already be part of
your wedding prep (more on that later). But, even if you’re not getting married in a faith
that requires it, or if you’re working with a secular officiant, premarital counseling can be
useful for many reasons. Premarital counseling helps couples explore their strengths, in
addition to areas for development. It helps partners begin to work through important issues
together. So, even if your relationship has a lot of strengths (which it probably does), and
you just have few concerns, it’s worth going (it’s actually ideal to go before a crisis hits).
Think of it as preventative care, like going to the doctor for a well visit. When we’re feeling
great, we still want to make sure that everything’s okay, and address any concerns that
might come up.
Right now, you might be thinking, “But we’ve been together forever, and have lived with
each other long enough to know what our partnership looks like.” Even if you’ve
already lived together, or have been together for many years, a marriage creates a new
chapter in a relationship. Premarital counseling gives couples a safe space to talk about
what it will be like to establish a marriage together. A counselor helps couples to talk about
general topics that may not have been discussed in your relationship, or simply to revisit
them: things like values, personal and joint goals, finances, legal issues, kids, family, health,

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divorce (yes, this is important to talk about, and it is not bad luck), communication, faith,
and sex, as well as how these topics will play out on a day to day basis, and how you can
begin to address them. Each partner brings a history, personality, and culture to the
relationship, and it’s important to begin to figure out how to navigate and combine different
experiences to create a new family. By discussing differences before marriage, partners can
learn to more effectively understand and support each other during marriage.
Importantly, the purpose of premarital counseling is not to Resolve All Issues before the
wedding date. It’s just to begin the conversation. Every couple has areas of conflict, and it’s
understandable to want Everything In Order by the wedding date. But it’s unrealistic to
expect that everything will be totally resolved before the wedding. In November, I wrote
about planning a wedding while becoming a stepparent, and about how relationships
involve an ongoing, dynamic, fluid process. They get figured out and settled into overtime.
And, luckily, couples therapy remains an option, at any time in a relationship, to continue to
work through difficult issues.

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RELIGIOUS PREMARITAL COUNSELING
Some religious communities require premarital counseling, and have for many generations.
Even if you’re not excited about it, and you have to do it, there are definitely ways to make
the most of it. For many couples, having a religious framework for a wedding and marriage
provides guidance, meaning, comfort, and connection to history, culture, and community.
Many clergy also incorporate secular approaches in their premarital counseling work. Some
clergy are open to working with interfaith couples, or couples from different denominations
within a religion, and some are not. If you’re in an interfaith or interdenominational
relationship, it’s important to talk to clergy in advance about their views. And APW
has many resources to help interfaith couples with wedding planning. That said, if the
required premarital counseling offered by your religion is not in line with your values, or you
don’t feel comfortable with the religious leaders of your venue (but still want to get married
there), you can always round out your experience with secular premarital counseling in
addition to your religious courses.
Here, I’ll talk a little bit about premarital counseling in three different religious communities.
CATHOLIC
The Pre-Cana tradition was developed by the Catholic Church to provide education for
couples around issues like finances, sex, and parenting within a Catholic framework, but the
specific requirements for marriage preparation vary from parish to parish. Options for
couples can include counseling-style sessions with the priest, marriage preparation classes
in a small group setting, an engaged couples’ retreat, and even online marriage preparation.

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Buddhist
Before marriage lots of buddhists visit the tempe for pirith. then there the monks advices
the couple with marriage life. Also parents specially mothers advice their children how to
have a successful marriage
EG : Husband –Wife Relationships In pre marriage counseling, pay more attention to learn
the relationship between the partners. The trust between the husband and the wife is the
basis for the welfare of the other family members. In the Singāovada Sutta, the Buddha
discusses five factors for the husband to uphold and treat his wife.
Islam
The Healthy Muslim Marriage
"They (your wives) are as a garment to you, and you are as a garment to them." (2:187)
In Islam the healthy marriage begins with a strong practice of Islamic tradition and spousal
selection based on the Quran and Sunnah.
Muslims can choose a spouse for many reasons but piety is considered the best reason. Abu
Huraira reported Allah's Messenger as saying, A woman may be married for four reasons:
for her property, her status, her beauty and her religion; so try to get one who is religious,
..."(Muslim).
Healthy marriage is based on strong Iman (faith) and strong Taqwa (fear of Allah). Because
the couple unites for the sake and love of Allah, they are able to make decisions and resolve
problems upon based this commitment.

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What to discuss in premarital
counseling
Premarital counseling can help couples improve their relationships before marriage. You'll
be encouraged to discuss topics related to marriage, such as:
 Finances
 Communication
 Beliefs and values
 Roles in marriage
 Affection and sex
 Desire to have children
 Family relationships
 Decision-making
 Dealing with anger
 Time spent together
Keep in mind that you bring your own values, opinions and history into a relationship, and
they might not always match your partner's. For example, family systems and religious
beliefs vary greatly. Many couples have experienced very different upbringings with
different role models for relationship and marriage. Many people go into marriage believing
it will fulfill their social, financial, sexual and emotional needs — and that's not always the
case. By discussing differences and expectations before marriage, you and your partner can
better understand and support each other during marriage.

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Some premarital counseling statistics
While counseling before marriage may not be something a lot of couples discuss openly
there are some statistics (healthresearchfunding.org, n.d.) that indicate it does help prepare
couples for a successful marriage.
 Couples who underwent counseling before their wedding had a 30% higher marital
success rate than those who did not
 44% of couples who get married today agree to premarital counseling
 The median amount of time couples spend in premarital counseling before getting
married: 8 hours
What these statistics help show is that even a limited amount of time of premarital
counseling with a professional can make difference in the outcome of a marriage. And as
we'll discuss in the next section of this writing , a lot of the benefit of pre-marriage
counseling stems from an emphasis on learning how to effectively communicate with your
partner, even when you face differences in opinion or other issues.

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Benefits of premarital counseling
The benefits of premarital counseling were probably one of the farthest things from your
minds. However, as the date draws nearer you may begin to wonder how it could help
strengthen your relationship with your significant other.
Pre-marriage counseling is actually something you and your future spouse may want to
consider as part of your plan to build the strong marriage and life together that you're so
excited about. Think of it like this: you've just settled on your dream honeymoon location,
you can see your toes in the sand of a five-star resort, but you're not just going to end up
there without a little planning and preparation to make sure everything goes just right.
Instead, you'll either take the time to painstakingly research places on your own or you
could work with a travel professional who can help you through the process and ensure
you'll have the honeymoon of your dreams.
Professional premarital counseling is a bit like planning your honeymoon with a travel agent;
while you'd most likely still have a great and successful marriage on your own, if you work
with a professional premarital counselor then you can ensure you're fully prepared for
marriage to your partner and to tackle any lingering questions or issues you may struggle
with.
Create mutual goals and resolutions for your marriage - you and your partner may have
different ideas of what specifically will mean you've achieved a happy and successful
marriage. By discussing beforehand what you both hope to get out of your marriage you can
determine a few resolutions that combine what you both want and give you common goals
to work toward what you both believe in.
Understand, adapt to, and improve communication styles - Yes, that's quite a mouthful.
But what it boils down to is you and your partner will better understand the strengths and
weaknesses of your own and each other's communication styles and how to adapt to them
to ensure that you'll be able to successfully talk through potential problems instead of
ignoring them or arguing about them with no idea how to actually resolve the conflict.

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Heading off potential conflicts before they become a problem - Do you know you have
trouble saving money and that it drives your partner crazy? Premarital counseling will give
you a chance to get issues like this and more out in the open before you say "I do." Often
couples will avoid talking about issues they have, choosing to believe that in the glow of
newlywed life they'll simply go away. This is the exact opposite of setting yourself up for a
successful marriage. Instead, pre-marriage counseling will help you work through these
issues now and help you understand that your differences don't need to lead to larger
problems.
Dismiss marriage anxiety - For some people no matter how much they love their significant
other, the thought of a lifelong commitment can still be cause for some anxiety. If you or
your partner is dealing with this anxiety premarital counseling would be a great option for
you. You can confront possible causes for the anxiety and work through them so that you
both feel much more reassured that marriage will be a positive next step for your
relationship.
Creating positive marriage resolutions. It’s easy to get emotional when discussing heavy-
duty topics like money, sex, and kids. An experienced counselor can help guide the
conversation and prevent you and your partner from going off on a tangent, thereby losing
focus and not accomplishing anything.
Learning (or improving) conflict resolution skills. If you’ve had some major tiffs or blowouts
in the past (and who hasn’t?) then you both know how you tend to react during arguments,
whether it’s wielding the silent treatment and pouting or yelling and name-calling. If you’re
being honest with yourself, then there’s probably room for improvement. A counselor will
teach you how to listen and communicate more effectively; more specifically, they’ll also tell
you what to say (and not say) in order to reach a happy solution.
Getting realistic expectations about timing. For example, if you come to an agreement that
the kids topic is off the table for two years, then you won’t be left anxious or frustrated
when you want to delve into that plan and your partner isn’t ready. This also applies to
major purchases like buying a house.

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Avoiding toxic resentments. Clear the air about resentments you’ve been hanging onto
throughout your relationship. A counselor will help you resolve these issues and free
yourselves from them so that they don’t cause massive damage later on in your marriage.
Dismantling fears about marriage. One or both of you might come from a divorced family,
or from a dysfunctional background where fighting and manipulation was the norm.
Premarital counseling can teach you how to make peace with your past and break the cycle.
Identifying the “seeds” of future marital stress. With an experienced outsider’s
perspective, you can learn which behaviors and habits you need to adjust or quit cold
turkey.
It Helps Couples Plan the Future
Many premarital counselors do more than just help couples talk through their current
issues. They also help them plan actively for the future. A counselor can help couples set
financial or family planning goals, and can help them find ways to accomplish those goals.
Premarital counseling is the perfect place for couples to talk about the expectations that
they have for married life and what they want personally in the future too. Premarital
counselors help their clients focus on healthy goals and relationship changes.
It Lets Couples Absorb Wisdom
Talking with someone who has been married for a long time is another big benefit of
seeking premarital counseling. When you talk to a counselor, you benefit from a voice of
wisdom on the subject of marriage. It’s more than just someone sharing what they’ve
learned from a book. It’s someone sharing what they’ve learned from real life. In fact, many
premarital counselors have struggled with the trust, intimacy and financial issues that tend
to plague young couples. They can provide tested advice and essential encouragement.
It Allows Couples to Discover New Things About Themselves
Counselors ask a lot of questions when they’re working with engaged couples. Listening
carefully to your partner’s answers is a great way to learn more about that individual. Yes,
many couples perceive that no one knows their partners better than they do. However,

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counselors can help bring out important information that a partner might have been
reluctant to share. This offers great growth opportunities while helping couples learn more
about each other. It’s also a safe space for individuals to share things that they are nervous
or upset about with their partners. It can be particularly helpful if one individual in the
couple has been in failed relationships before.

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Different Types and Techniques of
Premarital Counseling
Depending on your religious background, your reasons for seeking counseling before
marriage, and the personality of you and your partner there are different types of pre-
marriage counseling you can partake in. Choosing the right type of professional counseling
for you and your significant other can greatly increase its effectiveness and the benefit you
get out of the experience.
Religious premarital counseling - Many religious institutions require couples to attend some
sort of counseling before performing the marriage ceremony. If you are planning on getting
married in a house of worship check with whoever will be performing the ceremony
beforehand to see what requirements they have. This can be a combination of different
"secular" types, including group courses, one-on-one meetings with a religious advisor,
and/or compatibility tests.
Online premarital counseling courses - If you and your partner prefer a more private
experience there are online courses you can take. Online courses generally take no more
than half a day and will help facilitate discussion with you and your partner and give
thoughtful information about how to anticipate and positively respond to potential conflicts
in your marriage. Typically you will receive a certificate of completion at the end of the
course.
One-one-one professional counseling- Probably the most traditional method of pre-
marriage counseling, meeting with a professional counselor is a great way to ensure your
counseling is specifically tailored to your relationship. This means you can tackle the issues
or struggles that you believe have the potential to cause future problems or that you simply
value enough to want to start working on before you get married. Plus, when you're
meeting with a professional counselor you know your sessions are completely confidential.
Compatibility tests or questionnaires - Often given in conjunction with other types of
premarital counseling, compatibility tests (while sounding intimidating) are simply

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assessments designed to find areas where you and your partner already have a strong
foundation of respect and communication and to identify areas that may require you to
revisit and spend more time discussing. These assessments aren't meant to be a pass or fail
test, leaving you and your partner feeling discouraged if you didn't achieve perfect
compatibility. Instead, you will most likely see them used as a resource to help facilitate
your professional counseling by ensuring that you're addressing what most needs to be
addressed in your relationship.
Generally, these tests will consist of questions that you and your significant other will
answer separately and then reconvene with your results to see where you may need to
work on compatibility.

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How to make your premarital
counseling successful
If you and your spouse decide that professional premarital counseling is for you there are
ways you can help ensure you get the most benefit out of the experience. These include:
 Understand it will be challenging and it will cause you to discuss and face some
issues that you'd rather leave alone-this is how you and your partner will grow in
your relationship!
 Don't try to "cheat" or downplay thoughts and opinions to make it seem like you and
your significant other are completely compatible-this completely ignores the point of
the counseling, which is to face issues head on.
 Let go of the idea of "winner" and "loser" and instead embrace the idea that you're
both on equal playing fields (even if you're discussing communication and one of you
is the queen of the silent treatment).
 Respect that time with your counselor is a "safe zone" and that what you discuss
with your counselor can't be fuel for future arguments or "I told you so" moments.
 Don't share what you discuss in counseling with anyone-even your closest friends
and family members. What you discuss in counseling is solely for the ears of your
counselor and partner, spreading that around will only break trust.

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12 Topics You MUST Discuss Before
Getting Married
1. Meaning of Your Marriage Commitment
A. Describe what commitment means to you as you make plans to walk down the aisle?
B. Of all of the persons in your life that you have met and could have married, why are you
choosing your partner?
C. What attracted you to your partner initially and what do you believe your partner will help you
become?
2. Your Life Long Goals
A. What do you hope to achieve in the near future and the distant future regarding your career?
B. How do you plan to care for your community alone or separately?
C. Do you hope to leave a legacy after you die?
3. Your Mutual Expectations
A. What do you expect from a marital partner regarding emotional support during exciting times,
sad times, periods of illness and job loss?
B. Will you set aside one night just to be together alone to catch up with each other and have fun?
C. What size house is important and in what kind of neighborhood do you hope to live in both
now and in the future?
D. Are you both clear how much alone time the other needs?
E. How long does your partner need to spend with friends separately and together?
F. Do you agree how much time is appropriate to give to work?
G. Do you both expect to support the family financially and will that be different when kids
arrive?
H. Are you both comfortable with the salary differential between you?
I. How will you deal with times when one or both of you has reached a midlife career point, and
you need to change some aspects of your life?
4. Your Living Arrangements
A. How do you plan to live together?
B. Where will you live after the arrival of children?
C. How do you determine if a new career path or job is reason enough to move?
D. Do you hope to live in the same house or area for a long time?
E. Will you need to be close to your parents either as you get together now or as they get older?
5. Will you have children and if so how many?
A. When do you plan to start a family?
B. How far apart would you want your kids to be in age?
C. Would abortion ever be acceptable before or after that?
D. What kinds of philosophies did your parents have about child raising and do you agree or

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disagree?
E. How do each of you intend to shape your children’s values
F. What kinds of punishment are appropriate or not appropriate?
G. What kinds of expectations do you each have about money spent on toys, clothes, etc.
6. Money
A. Will you have separate or joint checking accounts or both?
B. If you do have different accounts, who will be responsible for which expenses?
C. Who will pay the bills?
D. Do you agree to have full financial disclosure about each of your personal financial situation at
all times?
E. How will strong disagreements about spending money be resolved?
F. Is there any debt that either partner has incurred before the marriage (ex. college or graduate
school loans or credit card debt).
G. What amount of available money does each of you need to have to feel comfortable?
H. Will there be a savings plan for the first house?
I. Do you plan to keep trading houses as you can afford it?
J. How much credit card debt or home equity loan debt is acceptable?
K. Agreement about taking care of financial needs of parents if likely?
L. Do you plan to send your kids to private or parochial school?
M. What will be the plans for children’s college education?
N. When do you hope to begin savings for retirement?
O. Will you use a financial planner?
P. Who will complete the taxes?
7. Parents and In-laws
A. How much time does each of you need to spend with your parents and how much do you
expect your partner to join you?
B. How do you plan to spend holidays?
C. What will be the holiday expectations of each of your parents and how will you deal with
those expectations?
D. What kind of support do you expect from your partner when the parents are putting pressure
on you?
E. Is it OK for either of you to talk with parents about the problems of the relationship?
F. What kind of relationship do you expect your kids to have with your parents?
G. Do you anticipate that you will ever want a parent to live with the two of you when you grow
old?
8. Gender Role Expectations
A. What did your parents model for you concerning who did what in the family?
B. Did you feel that was fair and do you expect something different?
C. Does each of you have some preferences that might be unrelated to gender?
D. How will you deal with household or yard maintenance? How will you divvy up these
responsibilities or hire someone?
E. Do both of you expect to work if you have children?
F. When the children get sick, how do you decide who stays home with them?

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9. Do you agree on issues around erotic moments together?
A. How often do you want to enjoy an intimate evening with each other?
B. How do you intend to resolve differences in sexual preferences?
C. Can you work out an agreement about how to deal with differences in frequency of sexual
desire?
D. Are there certain things that are clearly off limits?
E. Do you agree to talk about your sexual concerns at a time when you both are feeling creative
and relaxed and not during sex?
10. How will you resolve heated conflicts?
A. What can you learn about how your partner likes to deal with conflict based on their
experience in their family of origin.
B. What feels comfortable to each of you, as your partner gets upset?
C. Can either of you ask for a time out to calm down and be creative in your problem-solving?
D. What rituals will you develop to reach out to each other after a big fight?
11. Spiritual Life
A. What does spirituality mean to each of you?
B. What kind of participation do you expect in each other in some form of spiritual community?
C. How will you share what means something to you with them?
D. Will your children be expected to attend any regular services or religious education?
E. Will the children go through certain rituals such as baptism, christening, first communion,
confirmation, bar or bat mitzvah?
12. Agreement about extramarital relationships/affairs
A. Do you want to establish from the beginning that affairs are not an option?
B. Do you agree that affairs of the heart are equal to a sexual infidelity?
C. Will you talk to your partner about someone that you feel drawn to as a colleague or erotically
since this can build the bond between you and your partner rather than the outside person?
D. Will you commit to never talking to a person of the opposite sex (except a therapist or clergy)
about your relationship with your partner since this builds a bond outside of your relationship?

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References:
Premarital counseling. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-
procedures/premarital-counseling/basics/definition/PRC-20013242
20 Significant Premarital Counseling Statistics. (2014). Retrieved
from http://healthresearchfunding.org/20-significant-premarital-counseling-statistics/
Meyers, Seth Psy.D. (2011). Benefits of Pre-Marital Counseling: Successful Marriage.
Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-is-2020/201109/benefits-
pre-marital-counseling-successful-marriage
Naylor, Sharon. (2014). Everything You Need to Know About Premarital Counseling.
Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/22/pre-marital-
counseling_n_4784568.html
Stritof, Sheri. (2017). Premarriage Questions List. Retrieved
from https://www.thespruce.com/premarriage-questions-list-2303597

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