Design Document for Learning English Writing

Course name: Learning English Writing Course Code: MID7133
Module 1: The Writing Process
RLO 4(Lesson): Revising & Editing
Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
Prepared by: Team mates

DESIGN
FOR
RLO
4:

Revising
&
Editing

No.
Section
Content
details

I.

Overview

1
Introduction
Revision
is
important
to
produce
a
good
piece
of
paper.
In
this
stage,
you
have
to
ensure
your
content
and
organization.

It
means
you
need
to
check
on
the
transition
signals,
rearrange,
add,
change
or
delete
your
ideas
if
necessary
to
make

your
essay
more
interesting.

So,
this
lesson
is
necessary
to
guide
the
learners
in
organizing
and
reconstructing
the
overall
content
of
a
paragraph

through
the
use
of
parallelism,
consistent
point
of
view,
active
verbs,
specific
and
concise
words
as
well
as
a
variety
of

their
own
sentences.

2
Learning
At
the
end
of
this
lesson,
learners
will
be
able
to:

Objectives
§ Apply
parallelism
in
sentences

§ Apply
a
consistent
point
of
view
in
sentences

§ Apply
appropriate
active
verbs
in
sentences

§ Apply
concise
words
in
sentences

3
Pre-‐requisite
Learners
are
expected
to
be
able
to
write
English
sentences
and
paragraph

4
Outline
Parallelism

This
section
will
cover
the
definition
of
parallelism
as
well
as
the
rules
of
using
parallelism
in
sentences.
Parallelism

means
the
use
of
some
pattern
of
words
or
structure
in
a
pair
to
show
that
two
or
more
ideas
have
the
same
level
of

importance.
This
includes
word,
phrase
or
clause
level.
In
this
section,
learners
will
be
presented
with
several
examples

on
how
they
can
apply
parallelism
in
sentences.
At
the
end
of
this
topic,
learners
should
be
able
to
apply
parallelism
in
a

sentence
based
on
the
given
examples.
There
will
be
an
activity
provided
for
learners
to
assess
their
understanding
of

the
use
of
parallelism
in
sentences
whereby
they
need
to
identify
the
correct
parallel
structure
for
the
given
sentences.

Page 1 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
Consistent
Point
of
View

Consistent
point
of
view
refers
to
the
focus
that
a
writer
assumes
in
relation
of
his
or
her
subject.
This
includes
verbs,

pronouns,
number
and
tone.
Learners
should
maintain
a
consistent
point
of
view
to
create
a
coherent
paragraph.
For

example,
readers
tend
to
be
confused
if
we
change
from
past
tense
to
present
tense
in
our
essay
unless
we
provide

flashbacks
along
the
lines.
This
section
will
cover
the
definition
of
point
of
view
as
well
as
several
examples
on
how
the

learners
should
apply
a
consistent
point
of
view
in
a
sentence.
At
the
end
of
this
topic,
learners
should
be
able
to
apply
a

consistent
point
of
view
in
sentences.
There
will
be
an
activity
provided
for
learners
to
assess
their
understanding
of
the

appropriate
use
of
various
points
of
view
in
sentences.
They
need
to
rewrite
sentences
to
eliminate
any
mixed
point
of

view
for
the
given
sentences.

Active
Verbs

In
easy
writing,
active
verbs
are
more
effective
than
passive
verbs.
Active
verbs
create
energy
to
our
essay
since
active

verbs
consist
of
simple
and
straightforward
sentences.
At
the
end
of
this
topic,
learners
should
be
able
to
apply

appropriate
active
verbs
in
sentences.
In
this
section,
the
following
subtopics
will
be
covered:

• Definition
of
Active
Verbs

• How
to
Recognize
Active
and
Passive
Sentences

• Differences
between
Passive
Voice
and
Past
Tense

• Imperative
–
Active
Commands

• Sloppy
Passive
Constructions

• Linking
Verbs
–
Neither
Active
Nor
Passive

• The
Passive
Voice
is
Not
Wrong

• Tricky
Examples

At
the
end
of
this
section,
there
will
be
an
activity
provided
for
learners
to
assess
their
understanding
of
the
appropriate

use
of
active
verbs
in
a
sentence.
They
have
to
rewrite
the
given
passive
sentences
into
active
sentences
using

appropriate
active
verbs.

Page 2 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
Concise
Words

We
should
use
appropriate
and
concise
words
to
express
the
idea
of
our
essay
so
that
our
readers
will
continue
to
read

our
paper.
Therefore,
we
should
not
use
more
words
than
necessary
to
express
the
meaning.
At
the
end
of
this
topic,

learners
should
be
able
to
apply
appropriate
concise
words
in
sentences.
In
this
section,
the
following
subtopics
will
be

covered:

• Pruning
the
Redundant

• Reducing
Clauses
to
Phrases,
Phrases
to
Single
Words

• Intensifiers
that
Don't
Intensify

• Avoiding
Expletive
Constructions

• Phrases
You
Can
Omit

• Eliminating
Clichés
and
Euphemisms

At
the
end
of
this
section,
there
will
be
an
activity
provided
for
learners
to
practice
the
appropriate
use
of
concise
words

in
a
sentence.
They
have
to
rewrite
the
given
sentences
to
achieve
a
more
concise
statement.

II.

Summary

1
Review
In
this
lesson,
the
learners
will
be
taught
on
how
to
organize
the
overall
content
through
the
application
of
parallelism,

consistent
point
of
view
sentences,
active
verbs,
specific
and
concise
words
in
sentences.

Apart
from
that,
this
lesson
also
includes
several
assessment
activities
to
assess
the
understanding
of
the
learners
on
the

five
strategies
in
revising
the
sentences
effectively.

2
Additional
None

Resources

III.

Assessment

1
Pre-‐RLO

2
Post-‐RLO

Page 3 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM

DESIGN
FOR
RIO
1:

Parallelism

No.
Section
Content
details
Glossary

I.

Content
Item

1
Introduction
At
the
end
of
this
topic,
learners
should
be
able
to
apply
parallelism
in
sentences.

2
Learning
OUTLINE
1:
DEFINITION
OF
PARALLELISM
.

Information

The
balance
between
two
or
more
similar
words,
phrases
or
clauses
is
called
parallelism
in
grammar.
Parallelism
is

also
called
parallel
structure
or
parallel
construction.
Parallel
construction
prevents
awkwardness,
promotes

clarity
and
improves
writing
style
and
readability.

Examples:

a. Nancy
likes
playing
the
piano,
the
trumpet
and
play
the
guitar.
[non-‐parallel]

Nancy
likes
the
piano,
the
trumpet
and
the
guitar.
[parallel]

Nancy
likes
playing
the
piano,
the
trumpet
and
the
guitar.
[parallel]

b. She
played
basketball,
had
a
shower
and
gone
to
school.
[non-‐parallel]

She
played
basketball,
had
a
shower
and
went
to
school.
[parallel]

c. You
can
apply
to
the
job
by
filling
this
form
or
apply
by
telephone.
[non-‐parallel]

You
can
apply
to
the
job
by
filling
this
form
or
you
can
apply
by
telephone.
[parallel]

Page 4 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM

OUTLINE
2:
RULES
OF
PARALLELISM

1. Parallelism
is
used
to
balance
nouns
with
nouns,
prepositional
phrases
with
prepositional
phrases,
participles

with
participles,
infinitives
with
infinitives,
clauses
with
clauses.

2. Parallelism
is
used
with
elements
joined
by
coordinating
conjunctions.

My
mother
likes
cooking
and
to
read.
[NON-‐PARALLEL]

My
mother
likes
cooking
and
reading
[PARALLEL]

3. Parallelism
is
used
with
elements
in
lists
or
in
a
series.

This
task
can
be
done
individually,
in
pairs,
or
can
be
done
in
groups
of
four.
[NON-‐PARALLEL]

This
task
can
be
done
individually,
in
pairs,
or
in
groups
of
four.
[PARALLEL]

4. Parallelism
is
used
with
elements
being
compared.

She
is
mad
about
watching
TV
more
than
to
read
a
book.
[NON-‐PARALLEL]

She
is
mad
about
watching
TV
more
than
reading
a
book.
[PARALLEL]

5. Parallelism
is
used
with
elements
joined
by
a
linking
verb
or
a
form
of
be

To
learn
is
understanding
the
world.
[NON-‐PARALLEL]

To
learn
is
to
understand
the
world.
[PARALLEL]

6. Parallelism
is
used
with
elements
joined
by
linking
words.

The
teacher
not
only
wants
his
students
to
keep
quiet
but
also
to
do
the
task.
[NON-‐PARALLEL]

The
teacher
wants
his
students
not
only
to
keep
quiet
but
also
to
do
the
task.
[PARALLEL]

Page 5 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
II.

Practice/Interactive
Activity

1
Practice/Activity
ACTIVITY
ON
PARALLELISM

Items

In
this
topic,
learner
will
do
the
exercise
on
the
use
of
parallelism
and
click
on
the
button
to
check
the
answers.

Page 6 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
DESIGN
FOR
RIO
2:

Consistent
Point
of
View

No.
Section
Content
details
Glossary

I.

Content
Item

1
Introduction
At
the
end
of
this
topic,
learners
should
be
able
to
apply
a
consistent
point
of
view
in
the
sentences.

2
Learning
OUTLINE
1:
DEFINITION
OF
POINT
OF
VIEW

Information

and
Activity
Point
of
view
refers
to
the
perspective
from
which
the
sentence
is
told.
When
we
discuss
point
of

view,
we
use
a
term
called
“person,”
meaning
“who
(or
what)
is
the
focus
of
the
sentence.”

There
are
three
points
of
view:
first
person,
second
person,
and
third
person.

1. First
person
refers
to
the
narrator
being
referred
to
as
I;

2. Second
person
is
you
or
one
(this
isn’t
used
for
narration);

3. Third
person
is
he,
she,
it
or
they.

The
most
common
mistakes
of
this
type
involve
using
you
when
another
point
of
view
is
required.

a. If
one
wants
to
improve
oneself,
you
should
make
improvements
to
your
body,
mind,
and
soul.

If
one
wants
to
improve
oneself,
one
should
make
improvements
to
one’s
body,
mind,
and
soul.

b. Once
upon
a
time
there
was
a
young
girl
named
Cathy,
and
I
liked
to
write
stories.

Once
upon
a
time
there
was
a
young
girl
named
Cathy,
and
she
liked
to
write
stories.

c. The
panda
bear
sat
in
the
corner
of
the
cage,
and
they
ate
the
bamboo
leaves
listlessly.

The
panda
bear
sat
in
the
corner
of
the
cage,
and
he
ate
the
bamboo
leaves
listlessly.

Personal
and
impersonal
points
of
view
should
also
be
considered.
Formal
writing
insists
on
use
of

the
third
person,
which
means
there
shouldn’t
be
any
I’s
in
the
writing.
Be
sure
to
keep
formal
or

academic
writing
impersonal.

d. I
did
an
informal
experiment
to
explore
the
effects
of
sodium
chloride
on
stone.

The
author
did
an
informal
experiment
to
explore
the
effects
of
sodium
on
stone.

An
informal
experiment
was
conducted
to
explore
the
effects
of
sodium
on
stone.

Page 7 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
II.

Activity

1
Practice/Activit ACTIVITY
ON
CONSISTENT
POINT
OF
VIEW

y
Items

In
this
topic,
learner
will
do
the
exercise
on
the
use
of
consistent
point
of
view.

Rewrite
each
sentence
to
eliminate
any
mixed
point
of
view.

1.
The
author
suggests
that
the
truth
is
sometimes
painful,
but
telling
the
truth
is
better
than
living
a

life
being
someone
you
are
not.

2.
When
Margo
married
a
widower
her
life
became
complicated
because
you
can’t
help
but
feel

jealous
about
a
deceased
wife.

Page 8 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM

3.
Although
it
may
be
painful
for
a
parent
not
to
be
your
child’s
role
model,
Patrice
Grant
doesn’t

have
the
right
to
be
angry
with
her
son’s
choice.

4.
As
the
soldiers
marched
away
from
the
battleground,
you
felt
as
if
the
war
may
finally
be
over.

5.
A
softball
player
who
wants
to
develop
her
pitching
form
knows
you
will
develop
more
skills
at
a

sleep
away
camp.

Page 9 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM

6.
Students
underestimate
the
amount
of
time
required
to
study
nursing
because
you
simply
cannot

pass
your
tests
without
extensive
study
and
practical
experience.

7. Regardless
of
how
much
teachers
try,
you
cannot
make
sure
that
students
attend
every
class.

Page 10 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
8. When
I
ran,
you
would
get
cramps.

DESIGN
FOR
RIO
3:

Active
Verbs

No.
Section
Content
details
Glossary

I.

Content
Item

1
Introduction
At
the
end
of
this
topic,
learners
should
be
able
to
apply
appropriate
active
verbs
in
sentences.

Page 11 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
2
Learning
OUTLINE
1:
DEFINITION
OF
ACTIVE
VERBS

Information
and

Activity
Active
verbs
form
more
efficient
and
more
powerful
sentences
than
passive
verbs.

• The
subject
of
an
active
voice
sentence
performs
the
action
of
the
verb:

“I
throw
the
ball.”

• The
subject
of
a
passive
voice
sentence
is
still
the
main
character
of
the
sentence,
but
something
else

performs
the
action:
“The
ball
is
thrown
by
me.”

OUTLINE
2:
HOW
TO
RECOGNIZE
ACTIVE
AND
PASSIVE
SENTENCES

1. Find
the
subject
(the
main
character
of
the
sentence).

2. Find
the
main
verb
(the
action
that
the
sentence
identifies).

3. Examine
the
relationship
between
the
subject
and
main
verb.

• Does
the
subject
perform
the
action
of
the
main
verb?
(If
so,
the
sentence
is
active.)

• Does
the
subject
sit
there
while
something
else
—
named
or
unnamed
–perform
an
action

on
it?

(If
so,
the
sentence
is
passive.)

• If
the
main
verb
is
a
linking
verb
(“is,”
“was,”
“are,”
“seems
(to
be),”
“becomes”
etc.),
then

the
verb
functions
like
an
equals
sign;
there
is
no
action
involved
—
it
merely
describes
a
state

of
being.

Example
:

The
sentence
is
active.

“I
love
you.”

1. subject:
“I”

2. action:
“loving”

3. relationship:
The
subject
(“I”)
is
the
one
performing
the
action
(“loving”).

Example:
This
sentence
is
passive.

“You
are
loved
by
me.”

1. subject:
“you”

2. action:
“loving”

3. relationship:
The
subject
(“You”)
sits
passively
while
the
action
(“loving”)
is
performed
by

somebody
else
(“me”).

Page 12 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM

OUTLINE
3:
DIFFERENCES
BETWEEN
PASSIVE
VOICE
AND
PAST
TENSE

Many
people
confuse
the
passive
voice
with
the
past
tense.
The
most
common
passive
constructions
also

happen
to
be
past
tense
(e.g.
“I’ve
been
framed”),
but
“voice”
has
to
do
with
who,
while
“tense”
has
to
do

with
when.

Active
Voice
Passive
Voice

I
was
(have
been)
taught
[by
someone];

Past
Tense
I
taught;
I
learned.

It
was
(has
been)
learned
[by
someone].

I
am
[being]
taught
[by
someone];

Present
Tense
I
teach;
I
learn.

It
is
[being]
learned
[by
someone].

I
will
be
taught
[by
someone];

Future
Tense
I
will
teach;
I
will
learn.

It
will
be
learned
[by
someone].

OUTLINE
4:
IMPERATIVE
–
ACTIVE
COMMANDS

A
command
(or
“imperative”)
is
a
kind
of
active
sentence,
in
which
“you”
(the
one
being
addressed)
are

being
ordered
to
perform
the
action.
(If
you
refuse
to
obey,
the
sentence
is
still
active.)

• Get
to
work
on
time.

• Insert
tab
A
into
slot
B.

• Take
me
to
your
leader.

• Ladies
and
gentlemen,
let
us
consider,
for
a
moment,
the
effect
of
the
rafting
sequences
on
our

understanding
of
the
rest
of
the
novel.

OUTLINE
5:
SLOPPY
PASSIVE
CONSTRUCTIONS

Because
passive
sentences
do
not
need
to
identify
the
performer
of
an
action,
they
can
lead
to
sloppy
or

misleading
statements
(especially
in
technical
writing).
Compare
how
clear
and
direct
these
passive

sentences
become,
when
they
are
rephrased
as
imperative
sentences.

Page 13 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM

To
drain
the
tank,
the
grill
should
be
removed,
or
the
storage
compartment
can
be
flooded.

Because
they
do
not
specify
the
actors,
the
passive
verbs
(“should
be
removed”
and
“can
be
flooded”)

contribute
to
the
confusing
structure
of
this
sentence.
Does
the
sentence

1)
offer
two
different
ways
to
drain
the
tank
(“you
may
either
remove
the
grill
or
flood
the

compartment”)?

…or
does
it

2)
warn
of
an
undesirable
causal
result
(“if
you
drain
the
tank
without
removing
the
grill,
the
result
will
be

that
the
storage
compartment
is
flooded”)?

Revision
1:
Drain
the
tank
in
one
of
the
following
ways:

• remove
the
grill

• flood
the
storage
compartment

Revision
2:

1)
Remove
the
grill.

2)
Drain
the
tank.

Warning:
If
you
fail
to
remove
the
grill
first,
you
may
flood
the
storage
compartment
(which
is
where
you

are
standing
right
now).

OUTLINE
6:
LINKING
VERBS
–
NEITHER
ACTIVE
NOR
PASSIVE

When
the
verb
performs
the
function
of
an
equals
sign,
the
verb
is
said
to
be
a
linking
verb.
Linking
verbs

describe
no
action
—
they
merely
state
an
existing
condition
or
relationship;
hence,
they
are
neither

Page 14 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
passive
nor
active.

Subject
=
Description

The
door
is
blue.

The
door
was
closed.

This
could
be
the
first
day
of
the
rest
of
my
life.

She
might
have
been
very
nice.

OUTLINE
7:
THE
PASSIVE
VOICE
IS
NOT
WRONG

Passive
verbs
are
not
automatically
wrong.
When
used
rarely
and
deliberately,
the
passive
voice
serves
an

important
purpose.

• When
you
wish
to
downplay
the
action:

Mistakes
will
be
made,
and
lives
will
be
lost;
the
sad
truth
is
learned
anew
by
each
generation.

• When
you
wish
to
downplay
the
actor:

Three
grams
of
reagent
‘A’
were
added
to
a
beaker
of
10%
saline
solution.

(In
the
scientific
world,
the
actions
of
a
researcher
are
ideally
not
supposed
to
affect
the
outcome

of
an
experiment;
the
experiment
is
supposed
to
be
the
same
no
matter
who
carries
it
out.
I
will

leave
it
to
you
and
your
chemistry
professor
to
figure
out
whether
that’s
actually
true,
but
in
the

meantime,
don’t
use
excessive
passive
verbs
simply
to
avoid
using
“I”
in
a
science
paper.)

• When
the
actor
is
unknown:

The
victim
was
approached
from
behind
and
hit
over
the
head
with
a
salami.

OUTLINE
8:
TRICKY
EXAMPLES

Punctuality
seems
important.

Page 15 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
1. subject:
the
phrase
“punctuality”

2. action:
“being”
(“seems”
is
short
for
“seems
to
be”)

3. relationship:
The
subject
does
nothing
at
all;
the
verb
“is”
functions
as
an
equals

sign:“punctuality
=
important”.

This
sentence
describes
a
state
of
being
(neither
active
nor
passive).

(If
you
replace
the
single
word
“punctuality”
with
the
phrase
“Getting
to
work
on
time”
or

“The
sum
total
of
the
knowledge
of
tribes
of
prehistoric
America
collected
by
amateur
archeologists

during
the
latter
half
of
the
nineteenth
century,”
the
grammar
of
the
sentence
does
not
change.)

Remember
to
brush
your
teeth.

1. subject:
(You)
This
is
an
order;
the
subject
is
the
person
being
ordered.

2. action:
“remember”
(not
“brushing”)

3. relationship:
The
subject
is
supposed
to
do
the
remembering.
Whether
the
subject
actually

obeys
the
command
is
irrelevant
to
the
grammar
of
the
sentence.

This
sentence
gives
an
order.
Active.

(It
may
be
grammatically
possible
to
give
an
order
with
a
passive
verb,
such
as
a
Shakespearean
curse

like
“Be
damned!”
But
most
commands
you
encounter
will
be
active.)

II.

Activity

Page 16 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
1
Practice/Activity
ACTIVITY
ON
ACTIVE
VERBS

Items

In
this
topic,
learner
will
do
the
exercise
on
the
use
of
active
verbs.

Rewrite
the
following
sentences
in
the
text-‐areas
provided
so
that
passive
constructions
have
been

changed
to
active
verbs.
WARNING!
Some
of
these
sentences
do
not
use
passive
verbs
or
are
better

off
left
in
the
passive,
so
this
exercise
will
also
engage
your
attention
in
recognizing
passive

constructions
and
in
using
them
when
appropriate.

When
you
are
finished
with
each
sentence
(or,
if
you
wish,
wait
until
you've
done
them
all),
click
on

Grammar's
Version,
which
will
reveal
how
we
might
have
rewritten
the
sentence
(when
appropriate)

to
achieve
a
more
vigorous
and
concise
statement.
(You
might
notice,
too,
that
changing
from
a

passive
to
an
active
construction
does
not
always
improve
a
sentence!)

Page 17 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM

DESIGN
FOR
RIO
4:

Concise
Words

No.
Section
Content
details
Glossary

I.

Content
Item

1
Introduction
At
the
end
of
this
topic,
learners
should
be
able
to
apply
appropriate
concise
words
in
sentences.

2
Learning
OUTLINE
1:
PRUNING
THE
REDUNDANT

Information

and
Activity
Avoid
saying
the
same
thing
twice.

• Many
uneducated
citizens
who
have
never
attended
school
continue
to
vote
for
better
schools.

Page 18 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM

A
phrase
that
repeats
itself—like
"true
fact,"
"twelve
noon,"
"I
saw
it
with
my
own
eyes"—is
sometimes
called
a

pleonasm.
Redundant
phrases
are
bad
habits
just
waiting
to
take
control
of
your
writing.
Beware
of
the
following.

Redundancy
The
Lean
Version

12
midnight
midnight

12
noon
noon

3
am
in
the
morning
3
am

absolutely
spectacular/phenomenal
spectacular/phenomenal

a
person
who
is
honest
an
honest
person

a
total
of
14
birds
14
birds

biography
of
her
life
biography

circle
around
circle

close
proximity
proximity

completely
unanimous
unanimous

consensus
of
opinion
consensus

cooperate
together
cooperate

each
and
every
each

enclosed
herewith
enclosed

end
result
result

exactly
the
same
the
same

final
completion
completion

frank
and
honest
exchange
frank
exchange
or
honest
exchange

free
gift
gift

he/she
is
a
person
who
.
.
.
he/she

important/basic
essentials
essentials

in
spite
of
the
fact
that
although

in
the
field
of
economics/law
enforcement
in
economics/law
enforcement

in
the
event
that
if

job
functions
job
or
functions

Page 19 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
new
innovations
innovations

one
and
the
same
the
same

particular
interest
interest

period
of
four
days
four
days

personally,
I
think/feel
I
think/feel

personal
opinion
opinion

puzzling
in
nature
puzzling

refer
back
refer

repeat
again
repeat

return
again
return

revert
back
revert

shorter/longer
in
length
shorter/longer

small/large
in
size
small/large

square/round/rectangular
in
shape
square/round/rectangular

summarize
briefly
summarize

surrounded
on
all
sides
surrounded

surrounding
circumstances
circumstances

the
future
to
come
the
future

there
is
no
doubt
but
that
no
doubt

usual/habitual
custom
custom

we
are
in
receipt
of
we
have
received

OUTLINE
2:
REDUCING
CLAUSES
TO
PHRASES,
PHRASES
TO
SINGLE

Be
alert
for
clauses
or
phrases
that
can
be
pared
to
simpler,
shorter
constructions.
The
"which
clause"
can
often
be

shortened
to
a
simple
adjective.
(Be
careful,
however,
not
to
lose
some
needed
emphasis
by
over-‐pruning;
the
word

"which,"
which
is
sometimes
necessary
[as
it
is
in
this
sentence],
is
not
evil.)

• Smith
College,
which
was
founded
in
1871,
is
the
premier
all-‐women's
college
in
the
United
States.

• Founded
in
1871,
Smith
College
is
the
premier
all-‐women's
college
in
the
United
States.

Page 20 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
• Citizens
who
knew
what
was
going
on
voted
him
out
of
office.

• Knowledgeable
citizens
voted
him
out
of
office.

• Recommending
that
a
student
copy
from
another
student's
paper
is
not
something
he
would

recommend.

• He
wouldn't
recommend
that
a
student
copy
from
another
student's
paper.

(Or
"He
would
never
tell
a

student
to
copy
.
.
.
.")

Phrases,
too,
can
sometimes
be
trimmed,
sometimes
to
a
single
word.

• Unencumbered
by
a
sense
of
responsibility,
Jason
left
his
wife
with
forty-‐nine
kids
and
a
can
of
beans.

• Jason
irresponsibly
left
his
wife
with
forty-‐nine
kids
and
a
can
of
beans.
(Or
leave
out
the
word

altogether
and
let
the
act
speak
for
itself.)

OUTLINE
3:
INTENSIFIERS
THAT
DON’T
INTENSIFY

Avoid
using
words
such
as
really,
very,
quite,
extremely,
severely
when
they
are
not
necessary.
It
is
probably
enough

to
say
that
the
salary
increase
is
inadequate.
Does
saying
that
it
is
severely
inadequate
introduce
anything
more
than

a
tone
of
hysteria?
These
words
shouldn't
be
banished
from
your
vocabulary,
but
they
will
be
used
to
best
effect

when
used
sparingly.

OUTLINE
4:
AVOIDING
EXPLETIVE
CONSTRUCTIONS

This
sounds
like
something
a
politician
has
to
learn
to
avoid,
but,
no,
an
expletive
construction
is
a
common
device

that
often
robs
a
sentence
of
energy
before
it
gets
a
chance
to
do
its
work.
Expletive
constructions
begin
with
there

is/are
or
it
is.

• There
are
twenty-‐five
students
who
have
already
expressed
a
desire
to
attend
the
program
next

summer.
It
is
they
and
their
parents
who
stand
to
gain
the
most
by
the
government
grant.

• Twenty-‐five
students
have
already
expressed
a
desire
to
attend
the
program
next
summer.
They
and

Page 21 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
their
parents
stand
to
gain
the
most
by
the
government
grant.

OUTLINE
5:
PHRASES
YOU
CAN
OMIT

Be
on
the
lookout
for
important
sounding
phrases
that
add
nothing
to
the
meaning
of
a
sentence.
Such
phrases

quickly
put
a
reader
on
guard
that
the
writer
is
trading
in
puffery;
worse,
they
put
a
reader
to
sleep.

all
things
considered
All
things
considered,
Connecticut's
woodlands
are
in
better

shape
now
than
ever
before.

All
things
considered,
Connecticut's
woodlands
are
in
better

shape
now
than
ever
before.

as
a
matter
of
fact
As
a
matter
of
fact,
there
are
more
woodlands
in
Connecticut

now
than
there
were
in
1898.

As
a
matter
of
fact,
There
are
more
woodlands
in
Connecticut

now
than
there
were
in
1898.

as
far
as
I'm
concerned
As
far
as
I'm
concerned,
there
is
no
need
for
further
protection

of
woodlands.

As
far
as
I'm
concerned,
there
Further
protection
of

woodlands
is
not
needed.

at
the
present
time
This
is
because
there
are
fewer
farmers
at
the
present
time.

This
is
because
there
are
fewer
farmers
now.

because
of
the
fact
that
Woodlands
have
grown
in
area
because
of
the
fact
that

farmers
have
abandoned
their
fields.

Woodlands
have
grown
in
area
because
farmers
have

abandoned
their
fields.

by
means
of
Major
forest
areas
are
coming
back
by
means
of
natural

processes.

Major
forest
areas
are
coming
back
through
natural
processes.

(or
naturally)

by
virtue
of
the
fact
that
Our
woodlands
are
coming
back
by
virtue
of
the
fact
that
our

Page 22 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
economy
has
shifted
its
emphasis.

Our
woodlands
are
coming
back
by
virtue
of
the
fact
that

because
our
economy
has
shifted
its
emphasis.

due
to
the
fact
that
Due
to
the
fact
that
their
habitats
are
being
restored,
forest

creatures
are
also
re-‐establishing
their
population
bases.

Due
to
the
fact
that
Because
their
habitats
are
being
restored,

forest
creatures
are
also
re-‐establishing
their
population

bases.

exists
The
fear
that
exists
among
many
people
that
we
are
losing
our

woodlands
is
uncalled
for.

The
fear
that
exists
among
many
people
that
we
are
losing
our

woodlands
is
uncalled
for.

for
all
intents
and
purposes
The
era
in
which
we
must
aggressively
defend
our
woodlands

has,
for
all
intents
and
purposes,
passed.

The
era
in
which
we
must
aggressively
defend
our
woodlands

has,
for
all
intents
and
purposes,
passed.

for
the
most
part
For
the
most
part,
people's
suspicions
are
based
on
a

misunderstanding
of
the
facts.

For
the
most
part,
People's
suspicions
are
based
on
a

misunderstanding
of
the
facts.

for
the
purpose
of
Many
woodlands,
in
fact,
have
been
purchased
for
the

purpose
of
creating
public
parks.

Many
woodlands,
in
fact,
have
been
purchased
for
the

purpose
of
creating
as
public
parks.

have
a
tendency
to
This
policy
has
a
tendency
to
isolate
some
communities.

This
policy
has
a
tendency
tends
to
isolate
some
communities.

in
a
manner
of
speaking
The
policy
has,
in
a
manner
of
speaking,
begun
to
Balkanize

the
more
rural
parts
of
our
state.

The
policy
has,
in
a
manner
of
speaking,
begun
to
Balkanize

Page 23 of 27

Date: 4/22/12 4:41 PM
the
more
rural
parts
of
our
state.

in
a
very
real
sense
In
a
very
real
sense,
this
policy
works
to
the
detriment
of

those
it
is
supposed
to
help.

In
a
very
real
sense,
This
policy
works
to
the
detriment
of

those
it
is
supposed
to
help.

in
my
opinion
In
my
opinion,
this
wasteful
policy
ought
to
be
revoked.

In
my
opinion,
This
wasteful
policy
ought
to
be
revoked.

in
the
case
of
In
the
case
of
this
particular
policy,
citizens
of
northeast

Connecticut
became
very
upset.

Citizens
of
northeast
Connecticut
became
very
upset
about
his

policy.

in
the
final
analysis
In
the
final
analysis,
the
state
would
have
been
better
off

without
such
a
policy.

In
the
final
analysis,
The
state
would
have
been
better
off

without
such
a
policy.

in
the
event
that
In
the
event
that
enough
people
protest,
it
will
probably
be

revoked.

If
enough
people
protest,
it
will
probably
be
revoked.

in
the
nature
of
Something
in
the
nature
of
a
repeal
may
soon
take
place.

Something
in
the
nature
of
like
a
repeal
may
soon
take
place.

in
the
process
of
Legislators
are
already
in
the
process
of
reviewing
the

statutes.

Legislators
are
already
in
the
process
of
reviewing
the

statutes.

it
seems
that
It
seems
that
they
can't
wait
to
get
rid
of
this
one.

It
seems
that
They
can't
wait
to
get
rid
of
this
one.

manner
They
have
monitored
the
activities
of
conservationists
in
a

cautious
manner.

They
have
cautiously
monitored
the
activities
of

Page 24 of 27

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