The last episode of the Acting Out series. Does Phil Collins make it to the end? Read on to find out...

1. THE ART OF ACTING OUT: "Phill Collins Goes Public Too"
By
Gregory D. Aronoff
greg.aronoff@gmail.com

2. INT. PUBLIC ACCESS - DAY
Everyone just stares at our hero PHILL COLLINS.
DARYL STEVEN HOBBS
You DIDDLE FINGER! making fun o me?
Phill looks at DSH, then the silent crowd.
PHILL
Um, well, I, uh, standing up for...
We pan the audience’s look of dismay. Even REDNECK
SURVIVALIST shakes his head in disgust.
DARYL STEVEN HOBBS
I may not be a smart man, but I
have HUGE KNOB! feelings, ya know.
Someone throws a soda can at Phill.
PHILL
I, um...
Phill turns and points at JOAN LADEN.
PHILL
Joan’s feelings were...
Phill turns back around, and Daryl Steven Hobbs fucking
PUNCHES Phill in the face!
Phill immediately drops.
As we follow Phill to the ground - we hear a SLOW CLAP.
With one good eye, Phill looks up and sees.... SHERLOCK
starting the quintessential slow clap. After a beat, the
entire place is CLAPPING.
Sherlock runs over to the sprawled Phill.
SHERLOCK
Phill Collins!? How does JDT’s
salmonella fist taste?! Don’t
change, you human vulva!
VOICE IN CROWD
I hate you Phill Collins!
On cue, Sherlock pretends to poop on Phill’s face before
running off and raising DSH’s arm in triumph.
We stay down with Phill, when we hear...

3. 2.
LEFTY (OS)
If you wanted people to know your
name...
LEFTY stands over Phill and helps him up.
LEFTY
Everyone here knows who you are
now!
He inspects Phill’s new black eye.
PHILL
I feel like Biff after a mentally
challenged George McFly just sucker
punched him... Really coulda done
without getting fake pooped on by
the ol’ hipster poster-boy too.
LEFTY
He’s actually got the most popular
show on the PA. Not my cupa tea,
but the kids like it.
Phill watches the cheering crowd hoist DSH on their
shoulders and walk away. In the back he sees CELESTE waving
and trying to make her way through the throng.
PHILL
(touching eye)
I wonder how my mystery blogger is
gonna write about this. ’Would be
actor defies physics and is both a
dick and an asshole. Avoid at all
costs.’
LEFTY
(snapping fingers)
Hey mopey, ’member that message you
were supposed to read for the
family business?
PHILL
Yeah, I said the gist. It’s cool.
FRIENDLY VOICE
He didn’t. And it’s not.
CUT TO:

4. 3.
INT. NERVESELLI HEADQUARTERS - DAY
With Chiaroscuro lighting, LOU ’NERVES’ NERVESELLI holds a
picture of Phill as he walks past a wall of BOUNTY HUNTERS.
LOU ’NERVES’ NERVESELLI
(pointing at bounty hunter)
No interrogation.
BACK TO PRESENT
LEFTY
I’d avoid startin cars for a while.
PHILL
Can’t we just do it at some
other... Wait, what?!
LEFTY
They’re not happy. This is the
preferred channel for
communication. So, you gotta make
it right and tape another message.
Phill looks up just in time to see SCARY BOUNCER making his
way over. Murder in his eyes... Phill steels himself...
LEFTY
While makin’ people hate you less.
Bouncer is suddenly PUSHED ASIDE by a running Celeste! He
tumbles in a very Dreyfus-from-Pink-Panther-kinda way.
CELESTE
(yelling to Phill)
Oh my God - are you okay?!
Phill stares open mouthed at the turn of events.
LEFTY
Problem is - no other show wants
you and this place is closin’ soon,
so you needa figure somethin’ out!
Celeste reaches Phill and tenderly hugs him.
CELESTE
I’m so angry I could kill that guy!
In a dramatic soap opera-ish move, we dolly in and hear a
few bars of a HORROR MOVIE THEME.
We then move to Phill and the music abruptly stops.

5. 4.
PHILL
I deserved it. Okay, I’ll talk to
Daryl Steven Hobbs and see if I can
apologize on his show so the
blogger doesn’t rip me a new one
and finish the mobster-y message so
I don’t wake up with a bloody horse
head. Lefty if that doesn’t work,
you need to get me on another one.
Lefty gives him a look like - you don’t tell me what to do.
PHILL
Please?
Lefty gets out his phone and walks away.
PHILL
You wanna help me find Daryl?
CELESTE
Phill, I’d do anything for you.
cut to:
A RECORDING VIDEO CAMERA
Celeste has on leather pants, frizzy hair and singing...
CELESTE
"You better shape up, ’cause I need
a man and my heart is set on you."
Then she pulls over a sock monkey with a picture of Phill on
the face and begins dancing with it.
CELESTE
Phill, you’re the one that I want.
o,o, honey. The one that I want.
BACK TO PUBLIC ACCESS
Phill is scanning the crowd.
CELESTE
Contact!
In a stylized ’Battlestar Galactica double zoom’, we see
Daryl Steven Hobbs exiting the stage.
Phill smiles at Celeste and they begin to run... When Scary
Bouncer turns and is right in their way.

6. 5.
SCARY BOUNCER
Phill Collins, you no good
swindler. We need to talk.
Phill’s face falls and he actually gulps.
Phill is suddenly yanked to the side by Celeste -
and Bouncer goes flying again. Pushed by Jack Ace.
JACK ACE
You think you’re better than me -
trying to hog all the press?
Phill looks at his watch and mouths along with Jack...
JACK ACE
I’m the most well known commercial
actor in this state - not you jack!
So I don’t know who you think you
think you are, trying to steal my..
PHILL
Look the mystery blogger!
Jack Ace looks and when he turns back, Phill and Celeste are
gone. Jack stares open mouthed as he spins around.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Phill and Celeste turn a corner then stop. DSH is straight
ahead. Celeste takes a step before Phill pulls her back.
PHILL
Wait. There’s something different.
Phill and Celeste hold back while DSH strides. Almost with a
swagger. Then he gets out his cell phone.
DARYL STEVEN HOBBS
(perfect diction)
Hi Sally? Daryl Steven Hobbs here,
I’m calling on behalf of your ad.
When you say ’will perform S&M’,
does that mean I would be
responsible for bringing the whips
and handcuffs myself?
Phill and Celeste share a look.
PHILL
That little faker.

7. 6.
We dramatic dolly-in to a CLOSE UP of Celeste and hear the
horror movie theme.
CELESTE
I could just kill him for doing
this to you.
PHILL
No wait, I got a better idea.
Phill gets out his cell and displays the camera app.
PHILL
(whispering excitedly)
We’ll show he’s just a big fake!
Then I’ll jump in front of the
camera, clear my name and finish
the mobster message! Okay, I can’t
see too well, so keep it in...
Phill hands over his phone, but with his bad eye, he misses
her hands and the phone drops LOUDLY.
PHILL
Focus. (comes out like ’fuck-us’)
At the sound, DSH turns and sees Phill and Celeste.
DARYL STEVEN HOBBS
(speech impediment back)
What TITICACA! are you doing there?
DSH hobbles away - Phill sprints after him.
Phill runs ahead and tries to keep DSH’s back to Celeste,
who is still struggling to work the camera phone.
PHILL
(whispering)
I saw you, you big faker!
DARYL STEVEN HOBBS
I dunno BOOGER BRAINS! what you’re
talking about!
PHILL
I got it all on tape, there’s no
point in keeping it up.
DSH stares at Phill... And then completely breaks down and
drops the act.
{We’ll see some of this from the recording phone}

8. 7.
DARYL STEVEN HOBBS
(grabbing Phill’s collar)
You can’t! Please! This is all I
have. Don’t take this away from me!
... Daryl Steven Hobbs isn’t even
my real name.
Phill is taken back by the emotional plea.
JASON DEAN THORNTON
I’m actually Jason Dean Thornton.
JDT to my friends. Hey. Just tell
me what you want. I’d do anything!
And I’m sorry for hitting you. In
the face. With my fist.
PHILL
Lemme go on your show and apologize
and I’ll keep your secret.
JASON DEAN THORNTON
Sorry, we’re not tapping today. I
just showed up for the free food...
I knew I shouldn’t have yelled out.
Pride goeth before a fall.
Phill looks at Celeste with the recording phone - she gives
a thumbs up.
Then Phill looks at JDT. Then shakes no to Celeste.
JASON DEAN THORNTON
Everyone’s probably packing up, but
if you can find a TV camera, I can
patch in and broadcast out.
Phill gives him an uneasy look.
VOICE
Not so fast.
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
Redneck Survivalist and ROADKILL EXPERT are both carrying a
heavy table to a parked van. Phill appears behind them...
ROADKILL EXPERT
*southern gibberish*?!?!
REDNECK SURVIVALIST
That don’t make no sense.
Phill ducks into the van and holds up a camera. But before
he can jump out they’ve reached the van. Trapping Phill.

9. 8.
REDNECK SURVIVALIST
But why would they call it Iceland
if it’s actually greener?
Just as Redneck Survivalist is about to ease the table in
the van, Celeste walks by, drops something and bends down.
ROADKILL EXPERT
*southern gibberish*?!?!
Redneck Survivalist laughs and nods approvingly. Celeste
gives a flirty confused smile while Phill jumps out with the
camera.
SECLUDED AREA
Phill runs up holding the camera and presents it to JDT.
JASON DEAN THORNTON
(whispering)
Where’s the audio cable?
PHILL
(freaked)
You didn’t say anything about...
Lefty walks up, and like the toys from Toy Story, JDT’s
mouth goes slack. Phill stares at the transformation.
PHILL
I think we can broadcast - but
there wouldn’t be any sound.
LEFTY
Okay, do that. You could write your
message on cue cards. Let’s go.
Lefty tries to move Phill forward, but Phill stops.
PHILL
Wait, what did you find?
LEFTY
There’s one last show, but you
should take the sure thing.
PHILL
But I can’t say anything. Even if
we show me and JDT are square and I
get your mobster message out...
What about the mystery blogger?

10. 9.
LEFTY
Kid, for your own safety, take the
sure thing.
Phill just looks at him, not giving up.
LEFTY
I’m tellin ya, you won’t like this
show. You’ll have to win the whole
thing just to get a chance to talk.
JACK ACE (OS)
Winning? Not this guy.
Jack Ace emerges with an unlikely entourage of MISFITS.
JACK
You know who is winning? Jack Ace.
Now, why don’t you just turn
around and give it up, and stop
making it harder than it
is. Otherwise, I’m gonna finish
you off. With my bare hands. Once
and for all.
(threatening)
Unless, of course, you think you
can get Jack off all by yourself.
Phill reacts with a disgusted look, while Jack looks back
and the few Misfits paying attention laugh with him (ala Dr.
Evil and his henchmen)
Phill then looks at Lefty like - I have to do this.
LEFTY
You don’t wanna know what happens
if you mess this up again. Trust
me.
Lefty absently rubs his missing limb.
Phill bites his lip as he seemingly weighs the options.
SHERLOCK (OS)
He chose - poorly.
ON STAGE
A giant banner reads: The Sherlock & Van Show! Starring
Brian "Sherlock" Peitz and Joseph "Van" Jacobus.
We pan down and see Sherlock and Van walk around with
microphones.

11. 10.
VAN
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade!
SHERLOCK
And that’s how it works, all they
gotta do is finish the next line.
VAN
While we run them through the
Obstacle Course of Death!
We pan around the "Obstacle Course of Death" and see that
it’s like a very sad no-budget version of ’Double Dare’.
SHERLOCK
Hopefully these guys know their
eighties Sci-Fi movies...
VAN
Let’s meet our contestants!
BEHIND THE CURTAIN
Celeste stands over two PASSED OUT CONTESTANTS in boxers.
Phill and Jack Ace step out wearing loin cloths.
JACK ACE
You’re goin’ down chump stain. I
was raised by movies. Whenever
mommy had grown-up time with her
man friends, I got to watch TV. And
Mommy had a lot of man friends.
Jack Ace shoulder checks Phill as he walks past.
PHILL
Thanks! Where’d you get chloroform?
CELESTE
A girl’s got her secrets... Now,
you gotta promise you won’t forget
about me, and up and leave for them
hot Hollywood girls.
(sharing a secret)
I got a bit of a jealous streak.
PHILL
Nah, I don’t really like hot girls
- I like you. I meant... I’m an
idiot.
Phill smiles at her, then joins Jack on

12. 11.
THE STAGE
Where Sherlock and Van react to seeing Phill.
VAN
Holy Fu...
SHERL
Phill Collins! And we have...?
Jack steals the mic.
JACK ACE
That’s funny tubby telly. I’m Jack.
Ace. Champion.
Jack address the crowd, milking the moment.
JACK ACE
In fact, in this world there are
losers (points to Phill) and
winners (points to himself).
The he pumps up the crowd and raises his arms.
JACK ACE
Drink in my winner juice!!
Jack Ace tosses the mic back to Sherlock.
With a smirk, Sherlock hands Phill and Jack giant headphones
and leads them through the sad little obstacle course.
SHERLOCK
Here are your soundproof
headphones. So, at the Conan
station, you’ll both dig through
the snake pit, find a question
card, then say the movie line while
doing twenty jump ropes.
VAN
AND we shoot you with poop-arrows!
The crowd cheers as we see a bucket of brown sludge with
spongy Nerf-like arrows inside.
SHERLOCK
If you can’t complete your line you
have to do five Carltons.

13. 12.
PHILL
That’s 90’s.
SHERLOCK
Shut up nerd.
Then Sherlock leads them to a balance beam made of bricks
and 2x4’s.
SHERLOCK
Then run to the Flash Gordon
station, search for your question
in the hollow stump, and say the
movie line while crossing the
balance beam.
VAN
AND we throw pee soaked footballs!
The crowd cheers louder as we see a bucket of yellow liquid
with floating Nerf-like footballs.
Then Sherlock leads them to a group of the scariest looking
CLOWNS you’ve ever seen. Like IT scary.
SHERLOCK
Then you’ll both ride Big Wheels to
the Poltergeist station, search for
your question in the clown maze and
say your movie line while ....
OFF STAGE
Celeste and Lefty watch as Phill looks kinda freaked.
LEFTY
Uh oh. Phill is scared a clowns.
As Celeste reacts, Jennifer walks up.
JENNIFER
Hey, you’re friends with Phill,
right? Can you give this to him?
She hands Celeste a note. Celeste nods and smiles. As
Jennifer leaves, Celeste crumples the note and tosses it.
BACK ON STAGE
VAN
... right in the face!
The crowd goes crazy.

14. 13.
SHERLOCK
Okay, let’s get started!!
Phill and Jack Ace are now in their respective places with
their oversized headphones.
Phill looks over and Jack Ace is MOUTHING WORDS.
PHILL
What?!
Frustrated, both Jack Ace and Phill take off their
headphones and stand up.
JACK
I said, you’re gonna regret you
ever asked me to...!
SHERLOCK
(waves flag)
GO!
Jack pushes Phill as they both struggle to get their
headphones back on.
They race over to a bin filled with dirty black socks and
fake snakes. They rifle through and both find different
color cards. INSERT: "Conan what is best in life?"
Phill and Jack Ace pick up their jump ropes while brown
arrows start flying at them...
PHILL
To crush your enemies, see
them driven before you, and
to hear...
JACK ACE
To crush your enemies, see
them driven before you, and
to hear the lamentation of
their women.
Phill gets hit with an arrow and falters. BUZZ!
They both put down their jump ropes and race over to Station
Two. They put on a Flash Gordon shirt then reach into a wood
box. SNAP! Jack pulls his hand out - a mouse trap went off.
Phill quickly finds one of the cards.
INSERT: What does Ming say during the football game?
Phill races over to the ’balance beam’ where Sherlock and
Van wait with wet footballs. Jack Ace quickly appears...

15. 14.
PHILL
Klytus! Are your men on
the right pills? Maybe
you should execute their
trainer!
JACK
Klytus! Are your men on
the right pills? Maybe you
should execute...
Jack gets hit and falls off. BUZZ! Phill makes it across!
Both Phill and Jack Ace reach Station Three where they put
on a blonde wig, white onesy and jump on big wheels.
Jack bumps Phill off the course causing Phill to skid out!
Jack reaches the Clown Maze, and starts jostling with the
clowns to search their oversized pockets. Meanwhile, Phill
gets back on track and races over...
Jack has laser-like focus as he quickly searches pockets...
Phill stops at the Clown Maze and looks like he might have a
panic- attack... Jack finds a card and races off.
Phill gulps and runs into the Clown Maze. FROM PHILL’S EYES,
we almost have vertigo as we walk through and see distorted
and demented clowns.
Jack Ace has reached the final area, where he puts a "Skip
It" on his ankle and reads the card...
INSERT: What does Tangina say after ’clear your minds’?
As Jack looks up thinking, Sherlock and Van start BLASTING
HIM IN THE FACE with pink KY Jelly from a squirt gun. Jack
turtles and covers his face.
Phill meanwhile is struggling to get close enough to each
demented clown... tentatively checking pockets ... finally
he finds the card and SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL till he’s out.
Phill looks at the card with triumph - he faced his fears
and came through... Then looks up to see Jack Ace covered in
pink goo jumping Skip It...
JACK ACE
It knows what scares you. It has
from the very beginning...
Phill races forward to put the Skip It on.
JACK ACE
Don’t give it help... it knows too
much already.

16. 15.
Phill stops. The crowd goes crazy - Jack Ace has just won.
Phill’s eyes go wide.
All SOUND GOES DULL as Phill looks at Sherlock and Van
celebrating. Phill looks at Lefty as he rubs his face and
looks downcast.
SHERLOCK
(handing microphone)
Congratulations! Even though you
don’t win anything, you can thank
anyone you want!
Phill walks numbly to center stage.
Phill stops short and looks at Jack Ace and his shit eating
grin. Reality slowly setting in. Then - Phill GRABS THE KY
GUN, shoots Jack Ace in the eye and takes the mic!
In the crowd, Jason Dean Thornton gives a thumbs up.
PHILL
Thanks guys! I would like to thank
my actively working Godfather, who
taught me that to grow you gotta
pay the price for what you want.
Sherlock and Van look like they’re not sure what to do.
PHILL
Whether you want your family to be
safe or just the company of a
friendly girl. And the price you
pay sometimes increases. By say,
ten percent. And if you’re not
willing to pay, you’ll be sorry
when you realize it’s too late.
Now Sherlock, Van and Jack Ace are chasing Phill on stage.
PHILL
And lastly I’d like to apologize to
Jason, um, Daryl Steven Hobbs, and
thank him for teaching me strength
of conviction.
JDT rolls awkwardly on stage and they shake hands. The crowd
cheers. Then Sherlock rips the mic from Phill’s hand.
SHERLOCK
Thanks for coming out...

17. 16.
VAN
And as Charlie Chaplin used to say.
He drops the mic and they walk off.
Phill jumps down and sees Bouncer with two crutches.
PHILL
Let me just say - sorry?
BOUNCER
Don’t come any closer. I talked to
Joey. He cleared everything up.
We’re cool. And I wanted you to
know - I’m the blogger - I’m Connie
Wilkins...
Phill’s eyes go wide.
BOUNCER
I’ve known about JDT for a while,
and you handled it great. So I’ll
do everything I can to help your
career take off. Just stay away.
They shake hands and Bouncer hobbles off ... Passing an
eavesdropping Celeste. She grabs her purse and follows him
out.
As she’s walking, she looks into her purse.
PURSE INSERT: chloroform, a rag and the Mike Myers mask.
Lefty high-fives Phill, then his cell rings and he walks
off.
LEFTY
You happy?
LOU ’NERVES’ NERVESELLI (OS)
Very. Tell the kid he did good.
LEFTY
And Tony?
LOU ’NERVES’ NERVESELLI (OS)
What’re you writin’ a book?
Click. Lefty hangs up, looks down at the phone then walks
back towards Phill.

18. 17.
LEFTY
Nice work Kid, you deserve a day
off.
Phill beams.
PHILL
Hey, where’s Tony?
LEFTY
He’s indisposed at the moment.
Phill shrugs and walks off - triumphant.
ANNOUNCER
Next time on The Art of Acting Out.
INT. VACANT WAREHOUSE - DAY
On the ground, the shadow of a single light bulb sways back
and forth.
It’s almost Sin City-ish, with the stark white and the deep
shadows that envelop the room.
We move back and see a dark outline of a shoulder.
We eventually recognize the back of a business suit.
Even though we can only see his back - we can tell it’s
Tony. He’s seated. Suddenly he tries to yank an arm up - but
it’s handcuffed to the chair!
Off in the distance, a door CREAKS open and light pours in.
But we can’t see who’s opening the door. All we see is just
a looming shadow on the ground of the lit doorway.
AND THEN....
We cut to theme song and credits!