1. THE ART OF ACTING OUT: "Phill Collins Gets a Cold Sore. And
Maybe a Manager"
By
Gregory D. Aronoff
Greg.Aronoff@gmail.com

2. EXT. STREET - DAY
Slow fade in to the coolest funk song you’ve ever heard.
As we adjust to the bright tailfins coming in, we’re
tracking with PHILL COLLINS. He’s exuding - cool.
The FUNK music builds, and we’re low, so he fills the screen
like some kind of modern day Tony Manero.
He’s fucking owning it.
He looks down to a piece of paper in his palm.
CLOSE ON PAPER
Hollywould Talent Agency - 722 Santa Fe Dr.
BACK ON PHILL
Comparing the paper address and the surrounding buildings.
Just as the ’wawa’ is about to peak, Phill pulls out his
ringing phone, stops walking and answers it.
The music immediately stops like it was just a ring tone.
PHILL
Hi Mom... Nope I’m fine... Well
just cause you have a bad feeling
doesn’t mean... Cause I’m not
twelve any...I’m not saying that.
Mom I gotta go... No, I’m not gonna
say that... Cause it’s silly. Okay,
I gotta...
(deep breath)
Fine. I promise I won’t chase any
rainbows, and I’ll call tonight to
let you know I’m safe.
Phill hangs up - but the music doesn’t start.
We pull back and see a CUTE GIRL staring at Phill. Then she
leaves revealing a CHUBBY KID WITH GLASSES on his phone too.
Then Chubby Kid hangs up, and his funk music starts. The kid
nods and continues walking.
Phill gives the kid a look and walks past.
Then Phill punches in a number on his phone.
(CONTINUED)

3. CONTINUED: 2.
PHILL
Hey Tony? It’s Phill.
TONY (OS)
Who?
PHILL
Phill. Phill Collins.
Now we hear a Musac version of "Take A Look At Me Now".
Phill turns and sees the Chubby Kid with the music blasting.
Phill plugs one ear and crosses the street.
PHILL
We have an appointment. Supposed to
talk about you being my manager?
TONY (OS)
You the sword swallowing magician?
Straight out of Scrubs, Phill looks up wondering...
CUT TO
A Kinkos type printing place.
PRINTING EMPLOYEE
(reading)
"Sword Swallowing Magician"? I got
your business cards.
A stereotypical BLACK HAT MAGICIAN walks up. Then is joined
by a SUPPER SASSY GAY DUDE. They look each other over.
BACK TO PHILL
Walking down the street.
PHILL
Um, no. From the coffee shop? You
gave me your card... I quit my job.
There’s a long pause.
PHILL
Tony? Tony you still there?
TONY (OS)
(sounds like ’no way’)
No a, no a.
(CONTINUED)

4. CONTINUED: 3.
PHILL
What?! I quit my job because I
thought I could ...
Phill sadly trails off - waiting.
TONY (OS)
(finally answering)
Relax kid, that’s the name a the
place El no a, no a.
PHILL
Okay, is it by the...
TONY (OS)
I’ll see ya when you get here.
The phone clicks and Phill looks at the paper.
From the number on the paper, we pan up to the number on the
building.
It’s the El Noa Noa Mexican Restaurant.
INT. EL NOA NOA - DAY
A very confused Phill enters - and sure enough, it’s a
typical Mexican food place.
Tables, waitresses and menus. Not a single office in sight.
Phill looks around and sees - TONY with an old school Zack
Morris phone along with copious amounts of papers.
Then Tony turns and waves Phill over.
PHILL
Hey Tony!
With his mouth overly full and slightly open...
TONY
Kid! Kid comm-ere! Good to see ya!
Phill takes a seat and looks around very confused as Tony
collects the papers and random head shots.
PHILL
(a bit too judgey)
Is this your office?
Tony swallows and immediately looks defensive.
(CONTINUED)

5. CONTINUED: 4.
TONY
Easy there DeNiro, I’m not your
manager yet. Not yet. Write this
down.
Tony slides over a napkin and a pen.
TONY
Treat people in power, better you
would your own mother. You know,
your own mother.
PHILL
I didn’t mean, I just...
TONY
I actually just finished bookin’
one a my clients - L. DiCaprio.
Maybe you hearda him?
CUT TO
Tony shaking hands with a short, nerdy-ish looking guy with
a big Jewish afro.
NERDISH GUY
Hi, I’m Lenard DiCaprio.
BACK TO PRESENT
TONY
So you’re sittin’ there wonderin,
Tony, what makes you a better
manager? Phill I’ll tellya, cause
I’m efficient. Why should I spend
money to sit at a table, when I can
sit at a table - here? For free.
PHILL
You’re efficient?
TONY
You got it Mean Streets... I see
something in you kid, but I’m not
sold. Right now, right now we’re
just on a date. And I’m not sure I
wanna put on the Dusty Springfield
and take you upstairs.
PHILL
I ... don’t know what that means.
(CONTINUED)

6. CONTINUED: 5.
TONY
What I’m sayin is, I’m not sold
yet. I got some questions, make
sure we can work together.
PHILL
Oh, okay. Fire away!
Tony sef-consciously gets his glasses and list of questions.
Then looks Phill over.
TONY
What’s your background? You
familiar with Stravinsky?
PHILL
Well on Chuck, I watched Yvonne
Strahovski who...
TONY
Jesus, what is that?!
Tony runs over, puts a leg on a chair and leans in close -
which nearly puts his crotch in Phill’s face.
TONY
Is that a HERPE on your mouth?
We see a small cold sore - then hear a throat clearing.
An ATTRACTIVE WAITRESS is now standing there.
ATTRACTIVE WAITRESS
Um, hi? Can I get you anything?
Phill’s face goes beet red, and the cold sore seems bigger.
TONY
(goes back to seat)
You hungry Phill? I like to just
bury my face in their fish taco.
At the possible innuendo, Phill looks over to the waitress.
TONY
He’ll have a burrito. With the good
sauce.
She leaves and Tony stares at her walking away.
TONY
Now, where were we?
(CONTINUED)

7. CONTINUED: 6.
PHILL
My um, cold sore? It acts up
whenever I get nervous.
Tony wipes away hot sauce from his tucked in napkin.
TONY
Right. So tell me Phill... Why’re
you here? Why acting?
PHILL
That’s a good question. I mean, my
Dad drilled into me you’re a
failure if you’re not working
sixty, seventy hours a week... I
can’t tell if he really believed
that, or you know, just didn’t like
his family. But, he was the same
guy who, after I said I was in the
school play, said anything with
’play’ in it couldn’t be taken
seriously. And I was like, I’m
five.
Tony checks his watch.
PHILL
(a bit flustered)
Sorry, I promise there’s a point
here. So, he had this master plan
to start living and do everything
that made him happy - someday, then
he had a stroke, and that was that.
So, when I was scootering home from
the coffee shop, thinking about
that ass-hat who spit coffee in my
face, I was like, why I am doing
this? Then I was like, what if I
waste my whole life putting off
happiness?
TONY
Great. Now in ten words or less -
why are you here?
PHILL
Long story short, wait don’t count
those words... I always felt, um,
joy when I was ... pretending to be
someone else.
Phill takes a moment at his own revelation.
Tony looks at him and simply scratches a check mark.
(CONTINUED)

8. CONTINUED: 7.
PHILL
(nervous about a simple check)
And that I could make someone feel
something, you know?
TONY
Right, so you’ve acted before?
CUT TO
A stage, where 12-YEAR OLD PHILL is a big Christmas Tree lit
by a spotlight. He walks over to a pretty SUGAR PLUM girl.
12 YEAR OLD PHILL
(voice cracking/shrieking)
Chestnuts roasting...
(trying again)
Chestnuts roast...
It’s even worse the second time. With face red, Phill tries
to waddle off stage - but runs into a fake chimney prop,
which COLLAPSES... pushing the Sugar Plum girl off stage.
We hear a loud THUD. Then Phill’s look of horror.
BACK TO PRESENT
Tony gives a simple check.
TONY
You got actors you like’d emulate?
PHILL
Yeah, I’m a big fan of classic
Hollywood, guys like...
TONY
(making a simple check)
Good, good. You prefer comedy or
drama roles?
PHILL
I like comedies, but everyone says
it’s harder, so...
TONY
(another check)
How workable is your look?
PHILL
Um, I guess I could cut my hair if
you needed me...
(CONTINUED)

9. CONTINUED: 8.
TONY
(another check)
Would you be willing to wear a
Speedo while hula hooping?
PHILL
Would - that be required?
Tony gives him an annoyed look.
PHILL
Sure?
At this Tony begins writing. And writing.
BEGIN QUESTIONS MONTAGE
We see Tony asking questions and taking copious notes...
TONY
How severe is your fear of heights?
TONY
How do you feel about full frontal?
TONY
But if you hadta to work with cats,
would you stop breathing, or just
get itchy?
TONY
Can you swing a baseball bat?
TONY
What do you know about Magicians?
TONY
If you had to play a woman, would
you commit to the role?
TONY
Can you leg wrestle a koala?
TONY
You do any impressions?
TONY
Can you impersonate a drug
transporting rodeo clown who jumps
from an airplane?
END MONTAGE
Phill looks exhausted.
(CONTINUED)

10. CONTINUED: 9.
PHILL
I don’t wanna ask but - what does
all that have to do with acting?
Tony just shakes his head and sighs.
Then he gets up, shakes Phill’s hand and picks up his phone.
TONY
Sorry kid, you got potential, but
you’re too afraid. Too timid. I
need a guy who can seize a moment
by the stugots and not let go, you
know? So, I’ll see ya round kid.
With that, Tony walks off. Leaving Phill fucking devastated.
Phill looks down to Tony’s business card - Hollywould Talent
Agency, then looks up and we ...
CUT TO
Phill with a dollar out, waiting in line, weighing toilet
paper in one hand, or a packet of noodles in the other.
BACK TO PRESENT
Phill immediately jumps up and runs after Tony...
Before Tony reaches the exit, Phill shouts.
PHILL
Tony! Wait!
Tony turns - as does the entire restaurant.
PHILL
(voice breaking a little)
I do have the stugots, or whatever
that means. Yeah, so I might get
stage freight, and I might be
afraid of the dark, and clowns, and
animals dressed in people clothes,
but I... I need this. I need...
Phill gulps and trails off.
As everyone is waiting, the Chubby Kid walks up - and
squirts Phill’s pants with a squirt gun before running back
to his FAMILY seated nearby.
Tony nods Phill over.
(CONTINUED)

11. CONTINUED: 10.
After a long moment, Tony smiles and shakes Phill’s hand.
The diners all go back to their meals.
TONY
Phill, you’re reaction to the test
is a part of the test test.
Tony writes on the back of a menu and slides it over.
TONY
A couple neighborhood guys I know
are casting for a lead to promote
their - local services. Don’t be
late.
Phill is beaming - his first chance at a real acting job.
Everything will be okay.
Then Tony coughs loudly and picks up his phone (like the
cough covered up the ring).
TONY
(hand over receiver)
Phill, you’ll do okay. I gotta take
this.
And with that he dips out with his huge Zack Morris phone.
As Phill is still smiling, he hears a throat clearing.
ATTRACTIVE WAITRESS
(handing him the bill)
Here ya go sweetie.
Phill looks for Tony, then back to the waitress.
CUT TO BLACK
ANNOUNCER
Next time on The Art of Acting Out.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Phill is walking in the middle of an Escape From NY type of
neighborhood with guns going off, and people hiding behind
cars running to safety.