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The art of acting out (episode 7) Phil Collins Goes Public


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The first of a two-part episode, Phil Collins gets his name out, then wished he hadn't.

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The art of acting out (episode 7) Phil Collins Goes Public

  1. 1. THE ART OF ACTING OUT: "Phill Collins Goes Public" By Gregory D. Aronoff
  2. 2. EXT. FIELD - NIGHT On a desolate field a GIRL wearing a sweater over her shoulders walks with a BASEBALL PLAYER still in uniform. GIRL Don’t be so prude. Lemme see it. BASEBALL PLAYER I, I’ve never showed anyone before. They share a look. Reluctantly he glances both ways before reaching into his pants and... pulls out a small oil can. BASEBALL PLAYER My Balls Deep Glove Oil. I never play a game without it. She rolls her eyes like - that’s not what I meant. BASEBALL PLAYER It’s my secret weapon for... Then the girl FUCKING JUDO CHOPS him right in the throat! He drops, she grabs the can and takes off like a banshee! As she’s running, her hair starts to pull away from her scalp. VOICE CUT! Lights CLICK on and we slowly realize we’re on a THEATER STAGE with a big-ass green screen behind us. JOSH HERMAN adjusts his indie approved Kangol hat and speaks into his megaphone. JOSH HERMAN Can someone fix his wig?! We need it to fly off when he’s running! The PROP GIRL takes the wig from the Girl... and we see it’s our hero PHILL COLLINS. JOSH HERMAN (to Phill) Nice work, you. PHILL Thanks Mr. Herman.
  3. 3. 2. JOSH HERMAN Call me Josh. Phill beams. He walks off stage and loosens his jacket, revealing a jersey underneath. He nods to his manger, TONY, then rolls his eyes like this is ridiculous. The Prop Girl comes back and fits a new wig on Phill. They go back on stage, but we stay with Tony. TONY (on phone) Yeah, I can get him to do it, but, Public Access? There has to be... (listening) Okay, if that’s how you wanna do it... Good doin’ business with ya. He hangs up and sees Phill laughing with what looks to be another guy dressed like a TOMBOY-ish girl. Phill goofs around with his ’falsies’. He feels his, then feels Tomboy’s. Tomboy gives him a look like - really? From afar, Josh glances over. Face instantly becoming red. JOSH HERMAN That’s... my ... girlfriend. But Phill doesn’t hear. Instead, he grabs Tomboy’s hand to feel his, while he feels hers. Then Phill looks around - the entire place is just staring. JOSH HERMAN Stop groping my girlfriend! FINALLY for the love of God Phill retracts his hand. PHILL I... The words aren’t coming, so Phill fucking just runs off! Josh Herman is quickly on his heels, wielding a c-stand! PHILL (OS) It’s just so - humiliating. INT. ROOM - DAY Phill, with a fake mustache, sun glasses and leather coat looks like he’s definitely in hiding. Tony stands nearby.
  4. 4. 3. PHILL I get ’no’ after ’no’ for every single part I really want. It’s like I’ve become the Ed Wood of actors. TONY You’re not that terrible. Oh, cause the cross dressing thing, right. PHIL Exactly. Wait, what? TONY Better than bein’ the Polanski of gropers. PHILL Does that make you the Tarantino of inappropriate analogies? TONY Keep it up and I’ll be the Brett Ratner of ruining your career. PHILL Well played. Now I can’t even be the cool cross dressing guy... I know I say this like every other week, but Earl’s seriously gonna stab me if I don’t have rent this month. Phill digs into his pocket and produces a note. PHILL Check this out. TONY (reading) DVR season nine of One Tree Hill? Phill embarrassingly flips it over. CUE CREEPY MUSIC We read along as we hear... EARLY (V.O) Phillis - I’m gonna stab you if you don’t have rent this month. Seriously. Phill pockets the note.
  5. 5. 4. PHILL I found it on my pillow this morning. Along with the knife. And crumbs from a half-eaten sandwich. That was mine - I like to eat in bed when I watch OTH. The creepy music MORPHS into a few bars of One Tree Hill’s theme song by Gavin DeGraw - "I Don’t Want to Be". TONY Look kid, no one wants to hire a no name no one knows. And no one knows you. You got no name. PHILL So I’ll only get hired once people know me, but I can’t get hired because no one knows me? TONY Phill, I didn’t make it as a manager just on my good looks. I got a plan. Okay, you know what PR is? It’s like advertising you don’t gotta pay for. Now, I did my research and... Phill is staring off, clearly not listening. TONY You listening? You have the attention span of a fart. Look, this is important. There’s a famous blogger named "Connie Wilkins" who can get your name out to literally a gazillion people. PHILL Nice! Lets talk to her right after. TONY No one knows who she is. Phill’s shoulders slump and he rubs his temples. TONY But I know where to find her. Kinda... She’s a huge fan of Denver’s Public Access shows.
  6. 6. 5. PHILL The PA Where the lack of talent or intelligence isn’t a barrier? Phill looks up... INT. JOEY’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Phill and his best friend JOEY JAMISON each have a can of beer and are staring at the TV, trying to hold in laughter. ON THE TV is a husky fellow in front of a cooking table. A do-it-yourself logo reads - "The DARYL STEVEN HOBBS Show". It becomes obvious that Daryl Steven Hobbs is a bit "slow" when he cuts a raw chicken, then chops lettuce and squishes a tomato - all with the same knife and cutting board. DARYL STEVEN HOBBS (with speech impediment) And this is how we make STINKY PINKY! a yummy chicken salad. Phill and Joey immediately chug at the Tourettes outburst. BACK TO PRESENT Phill has a very guilty look on his face. TONY Serious. We’ll get you on and you can show the world who you are, and the Blogger will do the rest. Phill shrugs, like I guess. WE PULL BACK and we’re in an Audition Room. The CASTING TEAM isn’t paying attention to Phill, they’re too busy texting. CASTING PERSON (looking up) Okay, thank you. Can you send in Gregory McEntire. PHILL Wait, I didn’t even read yet. The Casting Person sighs as Phill hands Tony his phone and picks up his script. We leave Phill and follow Tony out to THE WAITING ROOM
  7. 7. 6. Just then Phill’s phone rings. ON THE PHONE, there’s a picture of the RANDOM GIRL we saw at the end of Episode Six. Above her pic, the name "Celeste". TONY Hey Celeste, Phill isn’t in. CELESTE (OS) (disappointed) Oh, okay. TONY He’ll be at this Public Access event. It’d be nice if fans are cheerin’ em. You should swing by. CELESTE (OS) Oh, that’d be swell! Thanks! Bye! On the DIAL TONE, we’re CLOSE ON CELESTE As she hangs up. We PULL BACK and see a framed B&W photo of Phill and Celeste laughing and being silly. It’s cute. PULL BACK FURTHER And we’s actually an honest-to-God SHRINE to Phill! Like an obsessed "laces-out" kind of shrine. Besides the copious photos of Phill, she also has cut-outs that look like Phill and Celeste are getting married. We continue around the room and stop at a Halloween mask. FRIENDLY VOICE Phill’s new girlfriend Celeste considers herself the heart-on-her-sleeve romantic type. EXT. EMPTY OLD URBAN STREET - NIGHT Celeste fights tears as she rips a picture of herself with a football player. As the pieces fall to the ground, we notice they land near a scary-ass chainsaw. When we pan up, Celeste slides the Halloween mask on and peers around the corner as THREE HIGH SCHOOL GUYS with lettermen jackets walk past. Then she fires up that chainsaw and runs after them!
  8. 8. 7. EXT. PUBLIC ACCESS BUILDING - DAY Tony and Phill walk down the street, pass a "Public Access Event" sign, and cross the street. PHILL You gotta be kidding! Tom Baker the best Doctor?! He looks like a Wolowitz - Horshack love child! TONY Classics are classics for a reason. PHILL What about... They reach the sidewalk when a 70’s style mob guy named LEFTY approaches. TONY Phill this is Lefty. PHILL Cool. I’d say I’m more of a moderate voter myself. Phill goes to shake his hand and realizes - Lefty is missing his right arm. PHILL Right. TONY Phill you’ve come a long way... Don’t {BLEEP} this up... I’m just bustin your chops kid, you’ll be great. You’ll finally have a name people remember. Cue Phill Collins RING TONE. Tony gets his phone out and silences the ringer. Tony smiles and pats Phill on the shoulder. It’s a sweet moment. TONY But seriously, don’t {BEEP} this up. I’ll see ya when it’s over. Tony and Lefty shake (left) hands.
  9. 9. 8. PHILL Wait what? You just can’t leave me here. TONY Don’t worry, you’re in good hands. I’ll be back in a few. Tony walks off leaving Phill with Lefty. LEFTY How you doin no-name? Don’t interrupt. Phill before we go in, Tony said you’d do us little favor. Lefty wraps his good arm around Phill. Phill can’t take his eyes off the missing limb. PHILL It feels weird. LEFTY You just gotta say a couple lines to help out a family business. Lefty hands him little fortune cookie sized notes. Phill reads them and immediately shakes his head. PHILL This is for... (whispering) mobsters! I can’t read this! LEFTY (laughs) Mobsters?! Phill this ain’t the movies! It’s legit business. Tony’s worked with us before. cut to: INT. THEATER - NIGHT A curtain rises and Tony turns around to nod at TWO SLEAZY GUYS with guns, turns back and wipes his brow. BACK TO PRESENT Lefty pats Phill on the back and forces him to keep walking.
  10. 10. 9. PHILL So, I have to go on the air, read these AND somehow appear normal to the mystery blogger who can make or break my future? Lefty just shrugs and starts for the door. PHILL Why Public Access? LEFTY This is how the um, business wants to get the message out. Low key. Straight to the people. PHIL What if I make it less mobster-y? Lefty just walks ahead till they reach a door with a big stand-up sign that reads: "Denver Public Access TV Reunion". Phill and Lefty pull the double doors to ENTER THE BUILDING As our eyes adjust, it becomes apparent - they just entered the goddamn Mos Eisley Cantina! But instead of strange and bizarre creatures - there’s strange and bizarre Public Access characters. Phill and Lefty take in the scene. Lefty leaves Phill who’s still looking around. Then Phill shares a look with a ROBOT COSTUME. Robot walks off as Phill continues to stare. Phill sees Lefty talking to a GUY IN CAPE and the BURLY PA. Phill takes a few steps and stops at a ’bar’ area... Just then a backwoods ROADKILL EXPERT bumps into Phill, spilling his Natural Ice. ROADKILL EXPERT (angry gibberish) Beers and tears messin wit mah peepers pill coollin in da blood! Cow patty in the shade! SUBTITLES: Oh my gosh I can’t believe my eyes, it’s Phill Collins in the flesh! I’m your biggest fan!
  11. 11. 10. Phill holds his nose and turns his back on the man. But he’s suddenly turned back around by REDNECK SURVIVALIST. REDNECK SURVIVALIST He don’t like you much. PHILL So, you’ve seen my work? I don’t really care for it myself either. REDNECK SURVIVALIST No boy, we don’t like your face! ROADKILL EXPERT Wishes are dippin and marsh met! Bacon on pills! SUBTITLES: Quit screwin around, I never said that! I love Phill! Phill turns back around. PHILL I’ll be careful. Redneck Survivalist begins to unsheathe a hunting knife. Lefty sees what’s happening - but he’s too far... In one swift blow.... Fifteen year-old KENNY the "Jewish Jedi" has disarmed Survivalist with a swing of his toy lightsaber! We see a prosthetic arm holding the knife lying on the ground. Lefty quickly moves Phill away from the fracas and points. LEFTY Joan Laden, she’s got a show that might suit our needs. Through the crowd, we see a familiar face - JOAN LADEN or as we know her - the Crazy Makeup Lady.. As Phill and Lefty get closer, Phill sees Joan talking to his dream crush JENNIFER. Phill sighs with a dopey grin. Lefty moves to talk to Joan, but we stay with Phill. JENNIFER If it isn’t Itchapuss himself. Or should I call you my hero?
  12. 12. 11. PHIL Depends - Jet Li or Dustin Hoffman? JENNIFER Well, Hoffman does have the Tootsie thing going for him. Phill digs into his pocket. PHILL What’re ya doin’ here? JENNIFER Jackie heard about the mystery blogger or whatever from some casting guy and became obsessed. PHILL Word travels fast. Phill produces a ’Super Phill Collins Itchapuss’ sketch. JENNIFER Nice! No Canalingus sidekick? cut to: INT. KITCHEN SET - DAY Jennifer is in a kitchen, but our eyes are drawn to the red package nearby ... it contains an Ancient Roman head with a papyrus font that reads "Canalingus". We see QUICK MONTAGE of her canning food while we hear: JENNIFER (OS) This secret Roman technique has literally saved marriages. With the famous Canalingus method, you’ll always be satisfied. We finish the montage, and Jennifer looks at the camera. As she delivers the next line, she displays one can after another... JENNIFER Congratulations - you’ll keep coming, and coming and coming back for more! BACK TO PRESENT
  13. 13. 12. Phill is mimicking the way Jennifer was displaying the cans. She playfully hits his arm. Phill is all smiles. His dream girl is - flirting. Jennifer moves a little and we change focus... THE SCARY BOUNCER who hates Phill is right behind her. Phill’s face goes white. cut to: EXT. STREET - DAY Phill turns and sees the Scary Bouncer running towards him. SCARY BOUNCER What are you doing to my car?! ... Phill Collins? I’m gonna kill you! BACK TO PRESENT Jennifer starts talking, but all we can see is Bouncer. JENNIFER You cold? It’s like Winterfell cold up in here. Phill doesn’t respond - he’s too busy trying to position himself so the Bouncer doesn’t see him. JENNIFER Not a Game of Thrones fan? This breaks through. Phill brings his gaze back and smiles. VOICE Phill! Phill Collins! Celeste is running over, wearing a shirt with Phill’s face. Phill looks back, and sure enough Bouncer now sees him too. Phill smiles and waves at Celeste while frantically looking for an exit or a place to hide... JENNIFER Are you okay? I haven’t seen someone that nervous since my last driving instructor. Phill smiles and casually looks over his shoulder to the exit door on his left.
  14. 14. 13. PHILL Will you excuse me? Phill casually starts then makes a run for it. But doesn’t see the large cables lying on the ground... He trips and crosses ten feet or so and CRASHES over makeup chairs. Horizontal, Phill rubs his head and looks around, the lights or something look different. Suddenly a hand reaches down. It’s Joan Laden who helps Phill to his feet. JOAN LADEN Wow I didn’t know you did your own stunt work! She smiles and looks off, before looking back at Phill. Meanwhile, Phill is busy trying to spot Scary Bouncer. JOAN LADEN But your timing is impeccable. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m gonna give you a whoopin! She rares back... Phill covers himself & closes his eyes. After a beat, he slowly opens them - Joan shakes her head. Phill looks around and notices three things - a logo that reads "How to MakeUp with Joan Laden", a TV camera, and a small audience surrounding the ’set’. JOAN LADEN Sorry bout that Phill. She leads him to a makeup chair. Phill tries to crane his neck, while Joan simply pushes him back down. JOAN LADEN If you’re practicing along, always keep your subject’s safety in mind. Lefty loudly and rudely clears his throat. Phill nods, reaches into his pocket, and glances at the tiny papers. PHILL Speaking of safety and protection, my Godfather says the times are a changing and inflation (trails off)... Phill loses his concentration as he looks for Scary Bouncer.
  15. 15. 14. JOAN LADEN Okaaay. Thanks Phill, now the beauty of a black eye is... PHILL Just real quick, my Godfather recently told me that... HECKLER (OS) Hairy beanbag! Startled, Phill flings his papers all over the floor. PHILL Sorry, nerves must be shot. Or retired. cut to: INT. LIVING ROOM - SAME With horizontal blinds shading the room, a Godfather-like theme song plays softly as the back of a BIG SUIT watches TV... Above hangs a framed newspaper that reads: ’Lou "Nerves" Nerveselli - New Boss of Bosses.’ LOU ’NERVES’ NERVESELLI He say I’m retired? Get me Tony. HENCHMAN You got it Nerves. We hold on Nerves starring daggers - then he looks around. LOU ’NERVES’ NERVESELLI Open some curtains. And change the music huh, I’m sicka that song. Light flows in and the Godfather-ish music abruptly ends. BACK TO PUBLIC ACCESS Phill sees that Joan is a bit rattled from the heckler. JOAN LADEN Amway, sorry, anyway, a black eye can be a simple and cheap Halloween costume. She quickly mixes the makeup and looks to the camera.
  16. 16. 15. JOAN LADEN Now Phill, when you... HECKLER (OS) Sloppy Cumberbatch! Phill looks at her, like ’is this normal’? She begins cleaning and organizing her brushes. JOAN LADEN When you apply makeup, always keep your brushes clean and never mix... HECKLER (OS) Nappy dugout! Phill sees Joan breathing heavy and is near tears. JOAN LADEN Sorry, the secret to a black eye... HECKLER (OS) Whore... ible! Phill jumps up and looks out into the audience. PHILL Hey, smart guy - it’s not funny! JOAN LADEN Phill, no... PHILL Sorry Joan, I’m tired of Ichabod Crane-ing my way through life. She wipes her eyes and smiles at Phill. However, Phill is staring out at Jennifer. She gives him a quizzical smile. Phill smiles back, then nods at Joan. He’s got this. PHILL (to the hiding heckler) Now, what if I start callin’ you names, huh? Or is your IQ so low... The crowd parts revealing - Daryl Steven Hobbs. Everyone just stares at Phill. DARYL STEVEN HOBBS You DIDDLE FINGER! making fun o me? Phill looks at Daryl Steven Hobbs, then the silent crowd.
  17. 17. 16. QUICK CUT TO BLACK ANNOUNCER Next time on the Art of Acting Out. LONE HALLWAY Daryl Steven Hobbs is walking, when he pulls out his phone. DARYL STEVEN HOBBS (perfect diction) Hi Sally, Daryl Steven Hobbs here, I’m calling on behalf of your ad. When you say ’will perform S&M’, does that mean I would be responsible for bringing the whips and handcuffs myself?