1. ACTING OUT: "Phill Collins Does It Again"
By
Gregory D. Aronoff
Greg.Aronoff@gmail.com

2. EXT. STREET - DAY
A Cadillac squeals around a corner, accelerating as it goes.
INT. BLACK CADILLAC - DAY
Inside, our hero PHILL COLLINS sits in the passenger seat
with a death grip on the dashboard, while his manager TONY
casually drives with one hand on the wheel.
PHILL
I mean, how was I supposed to know
you don’t do both parts in a
monologue?
Tony only responds by cranking the wheel, lurching Phill
hard to one side.
PHILL
Hey Doc Brown, you gonna tell me
where we’re goin before or after we
reach eighty-eight miles per hour?
TONY
Sorry I been MIA kid, had some old
associates needed my... expertise.
But this’ll make up for it.
Tony takes another hard corner and nearly hits a PEDESTRIAN.
TONY
How’d the one with the cats go?
PHILL
What am I five? You can’t change a
subject like... ooh, a quarter.
Phill picks up a quarter from the floor and plays with it.
PHILL
Ever wonder about other realities
and sliding doors... like that
movie? ... Run Lola Run.
TONY
You mean two people named Phill
Collins? No one’s buyin’ that.
Phill looks directly at camera, then turns to Tony.
(CONTINUED)

3. CONTINUED: 2.
PHILL
So the one with the cats... It was
alright. Only had to give
myself five EpiPens to keep
breathin. They weren’t too happy
when I sneezed so hard I tossed Mr.
Whiskers like a Toonces stunt
double though.
The car finally SKIDS to a halt.
TONY
I had to know you wanted it. See
how hungry you were.
PHILL
(Jackie Mason impression)
Hungry? I’m like twenty-five hours
into Yom Kippur, I’m so hungry.
Tony gives him a look then gets out and starts walking.
PHILL
(yelling)
Yom Kippur, like I’ve been fasting.
Phill jogs to keep up and follows Tony across the street.
PHILL
You gonna tell me what’s goin’ on?
TONY
Yeah, I don’t wanna do my old job
no more.
Tony leads Phill toward a low budget video setup.
TONY
We don’t got much time, so keep
your mouth shut, nail your take,
and then we’re outta here.
Phill stops walking and crosses his arms.
TONY
Okay, so I may have ’misdirected’
the guy they cast for this. Bingo
bango, they need a replacement...
He motions to Phill.
(CONTINUED)

4. CONTINUED: 3.
PHILL
Wait, you purposely screwed over
some clueless guy? Who does that?
TONY
Guess you never been west on
Colfax? Write this down, you gotta
go after what you want. Take it
from me, opportunity is like gall
stones, it don’t just sit around
and wait till you’re ready.
Then he pulls back his suit jacket and shows Phill what
looks to be an electronic gun.
TONY
Don’t worry. Got this just in case.
PHILL
In case we’re attacked by a rogue
price tag?
TONY
It’s not a price check Flo, it’s a
taser.
Before Phill can respond, the FIRST A.D. with accompanying
clipboard approaches.
FIRST A.D.
Sorry guys, this is a closed set.
TONY
Hey there Chief, I’m from
Hollywould Talent Agency.
(shows his card)
Heard you’re missin’ your lead.
First A.D. checks his clipboard while Tony winks at Phill.
FIRST A.D.
He’s a little late, but not...
TONY
You ever hearda Phill Collins?
First A.D does a double take.
TONY
He’s perfect for the role. And he’s
here.
First A.D. looks at his watch then sighs.
(CONTINUED)

5. CONTINUED: 4.
FIRST A.D.
I’ll check with the Director.
The First A.D. quickly walks away.
PHILL
Yeah I don’t feel right about this
- and you’re packin’ middle-aged
woman heat!
TONY
Pipe down kid. I see it like you
got a fifty-fifty chance against
one-in-a-million odds.
Phill’s face lights up, and he digs into his pants.
PHILL
So, we’ll leave it up to chance.
Heads I do it, tails I walk away.
Phill shows the quarter he found.
With a smile he flips it... We move ABOVE THE COIN and see
each flip in slow motion as it rotates.
It finally lands in Phill’s hand - tails.
Phill shows Tony the tails side... Tony swats the coin to
the ground and nudges Phill forward. But Phill chases the
coin, and when he stands, he sees his dream girl JENNIFER
sitting with a pad of paper and pen.
FIRST A.D. (OS)
Here’s the bat.
Phill looks up and sees First A.D. is back, extending a bat.
PHILL
What?
FIRST A.D.
JR the Director gave you the
okay... So Phill, this is for a
glass repair company. We’ll start
with you breaking the windshield.
Phill turns and sees JR THE DIRECTOR framing the car with
his hands, stopping constantly to wipe his nose.
JR THE DIRECTOR
(super animated)
We ready to do this or what!?
(CONTINUED)

6. CONTINUED: 5.
First A.D. walks to the car, while Phill walks to JR.
JR THE DIRECTOR
(talking fast)
Paul, right? Paul, I’m gonna frame
you big, like Godzilla big, so we
feel your angst. And we feel your
energy blast through the screen.
It’ll be freakin’ beautiful.
The First A.D walks over, trying to usher Phill away.
PHILL
Hey J.R, I hope it’s okay, but I
just don’t feel right
about stealing another actor’s
part.
And with that, Phill walks away.
Leaving JR livid. He immediately grabs the bat from First
A.D and lunges for Phill.
JR THE DIRECTOR
No it’s not okay you little...!
Luckily Tony steps forward.
TONY
Nope... Let’s talk about this.
JR THE DIRECTOR
(with subtitles)
What’s-to-talk-about-John-Candy?!
It’s-not-like-I-already-spent-all-the-money-for-this-shoot.
Fine!I-did.So-what?!Who-are-you-to-
judge-me?!I’ll-film-this-myself!
He rubs his gums with his finger and looks around nervously
before taking the bat and walking to the car. Tony pats the
taser under his jacket like he’s thinking about it.
We MOVE OFF and follow Phill as he walks toward Jennifer.
Not exactly to her, just by her.
Then she YELPS as her loose-leaf papers start to fly away.
Phill immediately jumps into action, deftly grabbing the
pages out of the air.
With nearly all accounted for, he smiles and hands em over.
(CONTINUED)

7. CONTINUED: 6.
JENNIFER
Oh my God thank you! I don’t know
what I woulda done. That’s probably
why no one writes screenplays by
hand anymore. That and technology.
PHILL
Yeah, wind is all, you know...
Phill trails off and blows air from his cheeks.
JENNIFER
Exactly. So you’re on this shoot?
PHILL
Sort of? I didn’t know you wrote, I
thought you were an actress.
JENNIFER
I know, right? Luckily I got a
dictionary toilet roll, and learned
all kinds a words that go together.
She smiles. She’s laughing with him.
JENNIFER
I haven’t been getting the best
roles, so I figured I’d write
meself. Myself. Apparently I talk
like a pirate. But spell like a
sailor, go figure. Too much coffee.
PHILL
What’s your story?
JENNIFER
I studied theater in college, so..
PHILL
No, what’s the script about?
She looks at Phill’s t-shirt.
JENNIFER
What do you know about sci-fi
fantasy?
PHILL
Pretty much everything... Minus the
parts I don’t know. Why?
She checks her watch and heads to her car.
(CONTINUED)

8. CONTINUED: 7.
JENNIFER
You wanna grab a coffee and read
what I have so far? My boyfriend
was supposed to, but... whatever.
PHILL
I.. Um... Well... Is it close? My
car is in the shop.
She gets into her car and gives him a weird look. Then she
motions for Phill to get in.
Phill hesitates, and in that brief moment two things happen.
JR THE DIRECTOR
Fire!
JR runs for a smoking camera, while across the street JACK
ACE jumps out of a vintage muscle car, holding a sticky pad.
JACK ACE
Who’s Michael Enbolls?!
Jennifer gets out of her car and walks to him.
JENNIFER
You’re late.
Jack Ace puts away the sticky pad.
JACK ACE
Some ass hat assistant gave me the
wrong address. What is this? You
hangin’ out with this geek?
Jack motions to Phill, who’s now joined by Tony.
JENNIFER
He’s no one. You just can’t be...
We see Phill react to being called ’no one’.
JACK ACE
(to Phill)
I find out you gave me the wrong
address, and you’re a dead man. No
one alive screws Jack Ace, no one!
Jennifer looks around uncomfortably.
TONY
Why don’t you calm down and take
five.
(CONTINUED)

9. CONTINUED: 8.
JACK ACE
No one tells Jack Ace to take
five but his dance instructor, you
got that ese?
Tony takes off his jacket and gets in Jack’s face. Phill
takes a step to intervene, then backs down.
And that’s when it happens... Jack Ace suddenly grabs the
taser, and tases Tony! Then for good measure, tases Phill.
Jennifer SHRIEKS while Tony and Phill roll on the ground.
PHILL
I think I just peed a little.
Then from a wide shot, the SCARY BOUNCER approaches.
SCARY BOUNCER
There a fire arou... Phill? Phill
Collins that you? Guess you’re not
runnin away this time.
We see Phill’s pained expression as he closes his eyes.
PHILL
Why couldn’t I flip heads?
And then we freeze... and everything MOVES IN REVERSE.
Backwards all the way till when Phill digs into his pants...
PHILL
So, we’ll leave it up to chance.
Heads I do it, tails I walk away.
Phill flips the coin. We move above the coin and see each
flip in slow motion as it rotates.
It lands in Phill’s hand, and this time it’s heads.
Phill shows Tony the head’s side. Tony merely nods and
nudges Phill forward.
Without bending down, this time he doesn’t see Jennifer,
instead he has a laser focus on the lights and camera.
FIRST A.D. (OS)
Here’s the bat.
Phill looks up and sees First A.D. holding the bat out.
(CONTINUED)

10. CONTINUED: 9.
PHILL
What?
FIRST A.D.
JR the Director gave you the
okay... So Phill, this is for a
glass repair company. We’ll start
with you breaking the windshield.
Phill turns and sees JR THE DIRECTOR framing the car with
his hands, stopping constantly to wipe his nose.
JR THE DIRECTOR
(super animated)
We ready to do this or what!?
PHILL
Ready, JR! Mr. Director person!
This time Phill walks with First A.D. to the car.
First AD moves Phill in position, in front of the cheap
lights and old camera. A CREW MEMBER gets the bounce sheet
to reflect the sun while the BOOM GUY gets in position.
Phill nods to JR. First A.D. walks in front of the camera.
FIRST A.D.
Scene one take one.
PHILL
So, do you want me to like...?
JR THE DIRECTOR
And action!
Phill raises the bat and brings it down to the windshield.
And nothing. Not even a small crack.
JR THE DIRECTOR
Keep rolling!
(to phill)
Look you scab on my ass! I have a
lot at stake here and we have zero
time! Now take the bat, and beat
the shit out of it before I do you!
(off first A.D. look)
With the bat. Shut up!
Phill gets in position.
(CONTINUED)

11. CONTINUED: 10.
JR THE DIRECTOR
And...action!
Phill hits it a little harder...
JR THE DIRECTOR
Cut you speed bump of life, you’re
freakin killin me! We’re making
cinema here, not an after school
special, okay?!
JR looks into the camera, and suddenly looks worried.
JR THE DIRECTOR
Take five everyone, I need to reset
the camera.
The Crew all relax, while JR starts digging into the camera.
We move to Phill, and despite getting reamed, he’s looking
around the set and is all smiles. He’s actually acting.
A gust of wind kicks up blowing Phill’s hair...
In the background we hear a SHRIEK. Phill turns and sees
Jennifer fruitlessly trying to chase papers in the wind.
Finally she throws her pen and walks away from set.
JR
Don’t bother.
Phill turns and sees JR staring at Jennifer too.
JR
I asked her out for drinks once,
and she told me to go ef myself.
PHILL
Really?
JR
Well, maybe not in those words.
(thinking)
And maybe it wasn’t drinks, but a
German sex club.
(more thinking)
Pretty sure she’s a lesbian.
PHILL
Um, what was wrong with the camera?
JR starts cleaning out a lens with his shirt.
(CONTINUED)

12. CONTINUED: 11.
JR
Crappy foreign model. I was
overseas and figured I’d bring it
back with me. The dumb wiring
couldn’t handle the stash I hid in
there. Started muckin’ up the works
and makin something smoke... Got
some left if you want.
PHILL
That’s alright, already had my
drugs with breakfast.
JR
I like you Paul, you seem - real.
You know? You’re just so...
PHILL
Real?
JR
Exactly. You get it. You know who
you remind me of? Well a less
talented, and less charming
version.
PHILL
You?
JR
See you totally get it! Me and you,
we’re the only ones. You ready?
(yelling)
Places!
Phill gets in place and grips the bat tightly, then he
closes his eyes and takes a breath. Then nods to JR.
SCREECH!
Jack Ace jumps out of his car, holding a sticky pad.
JACK ACE
(pissed)
Who’s Michael Enbolls?!
He’s met with confused looks, so he reads the sticky pad.
JACK ACE
Michael Hawk Enbolls...
INSERT HANDWRITTEN NOTE: Michael Hawk Enbolls - assistant.
(CONTINUED)

13. CONTINUED: 12.
PHILL
You mean Mike?
JACK ACE
Yeah, Mike Hawk Enbolls!
Phill and Tony share a look.
JACK ACE
I’m gonna beat Mike Hawk Enbolls
till there’s nothing left.
PHILL
Sounds painful.
JR THE DIRECTOR
Okay, I don’t care who’s acting, we
just need to do this. Places!
Phill walks to the car, but Jack Ace gets in his face.
Jack Ace grabs for the bat... but Phill doesn’t let go. So
Jack Ace shoves Phill and snatches the bat.
JACK ACE
You tryin’ to steal a role from
Jack Ace, you no talent hacky-sack?
Get a clue. Wait, mystery solved -
you don’t deserve to be here. Go
back to where you belong, like
waiting tables for losers like you
who wait tables!
Sadly, this hits home. Phill stares off as Tony steps in.
TONY
C’mon Kid, this ain’t our day.
JACK ACE
Yeah, go back to suckville,
population you.
Phill looks down utterly defeated.
Then without warning, Phill grabs the taser from Tony’s
jacket and TASES THE FUCK OUT OF JACK ACE!
PHILL
(to JR)
You ready to film this?!
JR just nods as Phill gets into position.
(CONTINUED)

14. CONTINUED: 13.
TONY
Phill, now, I’m not the voice of
reason, but even I know it’s bad
karma to steal a guy’s part then
tase him when he wants it back.
Phill grabs the bat...
PHILL
Opportunity and gall stones, right?
Phill gets in place and we can hear him GRIPPING the bat.
JR THE DIRECTOR
And... Action!
Phill loses his mind. AND FUCKING WAILS ON THE WINDSHIELD!
Completely losing himself as he works out his aggression.
The Crew just look at each other, as Phill YELLS.
After what seems like an eternity of yelling and swinging,
Phill looks up...
The entire set is gone, except for Tony who’s making a
b-line to his car.
MENACING VOICE
Hey! That’s my new car!
Phill turns and recognizes SCARY BOUNCER...
SCARY BOUNCER
What are you doing to my car?!
Phill? Phill Collins that you? I’m
gonna kill you!
Phill drops the bat and runs - SCREAMING like a girl.
QUICK CUT TO BLACK
ANNOUNCER
Next time on The Art of Acting Out.
Phill talking to the FEMALE CASTING DIRECTOR.
PHILL
I would do anything. I just need...
CASTING LADY
Anything, huh?
She leans forward and takes down her hair.