The document summarizes five important things the author wishes he had known when applying for tenure: 1) Getting strong external review letters requires getting one's name known in the field through conferences and speaking engagements to avoid declines; 2) Demonstrating intellectual independence through author order, equal contribution statements, and number of sole-authored works; 3) Understanding how research contributions will be assessed in terms of field, journal quality, and future productivity signals; 4) Crafting a clear dossier with an accessible CV, statement of accomplishments, and limiting supplemental materials; 5) Realizing evaluators have preconceptions and little time so reasons for promotion must be very apparent.