1. WEDDING SEASON… THE RIGHT TIME TO MARRY?
As the fragility of marriages increases, the lavishness of weddings
increases too. Is it a question of investing in form at the expense of
substance?
People may and do disagree
about what marriage is. But all
newly-weds seem to agree that
weddings are becoming a costly
nightmare. I often wonder if
investing more in marriage
than in weddings would result
in longer-lasting and happier
families. Who knows?
What are we actually investing in the preparation for marriage?
Time and money are surely one crucial asset. The average age at
first marriage is now late twenties to early thirties, normally after
long years of relationship. This seems wise and encouraging.
Yet these may be ‘wasted’ or ‘alienating’ years instead of precious
years of growth and preparation for married life. Studies need to be
finished, careers established, money earned and saved, sky-high
priced houses built or furnished, and, of course, social life needs to
be maintained throughout. All this requires time and money.
What is the impact on the
relationship itself? In practice what
is the couple exactly preparing for:
surviving the chore of making a
living or growing in the joy of
sharing a life? What makes for a
solid preparation in view of a
lasting marriage?
Any relationship depends on the
personality of each individual in the
couple. Their personal qualities,
issues, qualities and flaws as well as their real maturity will
determine the type and quality of their relationship.
So, as a first requirement I would put self-knowledge and self-
awareness. If I don’t know who I am, how can I get to know you? A
person who is disconnected from his inner self is incapable of
entering a healthy and lasting relationship. He or she is too
conditioned by the inner, hidden needs and compulsions. These will
only surface in a destructive manner as time goes by.
Courses, counselling, friendships, family conversations,
contributions in the media, even schooling are all precious in
helping a young person to get to know himself or herself.

2. Society must shoulder its responsibility too. Opinion formers and
agents in social change need to get their act together to help a
young couple make the right choices according to the right
priorities. As a society we need to redefine success in life. What
matters in life are not money, comfort, status, pleasure, and
superficial excitement. The essential is invisible to the eye. It is the
inner meaningfulness of giving oneself graciously and gratuitously
out of love that makes life worthwhile.
Formal marriage preparation, with its inevitable
limitations, can indeed help. The State needs to
take up its responsibility in this matter. It is a
glaring anomaly that the little formal marriage
preparation on offer is only provided by the Church
and just to those who wish a religious marriage.
In a society that prides itself in being mature and emancipated no
one has as yet considered shouldering this responsibility. As if a
good marriage benefits only some religious group. It is amazing
how a so-called progressive society takes so much pain in preparing
its citizens to become economically productive but not socially and
demographically healthy.
Driving a car, administering medical assistance or even opening an
ice-cream parlour are all well regulated and duly licensed activities.
Starting a family – the building block of any society – requires no
sanctioned training or formation whatsoever.
This by no means questions the right of people to get married. On
the contrary it assists them in benefitting more from the proper
exercise and the beneficial enjoyment of this right.
In the same way as society, embodied in the State, prepares
children by long years of compulsory schooling to become fulfilled
persons and active citizens, so also, it should provide for a
meaningful preparation for its citizens to ensure their own human,
affective and social well-being by forming sound, lasting and
flourishing families. Even economically speaking, serene citizens are
an asset and not a liability.
When the increase of broken marriages is resulting in an increase of
broken children, is it not time to shift our attention and
resourcefulness from weddings to marriages as such? We are
already investing so much in comfortable dwellings. Could we not
invest more in happier dwellers? We
concentrate so much on diversity in
partnerships and sexual permissiveness.
Should we not focus more on life-long soul
companionship? We are harping so much on
the right to reproduce. Should we not promote
even more the joys of giving a real life to our

3. children? Instead of craving for a comfortable life, why not start
working towards having a real life?
Paying lip-service to strengthening families is not on. All it takes is a
clearer vision of what is really essential and a strong determination
to put our money where our mouth – or rather, our happiness – is.
Marrying at the right time in the right way will surely instill more
meaning to the celebration of a
truly happy wedding!
Fr Paul Chetcuti sj