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50 Tips on Excellent
Communication for Life
PART 5.
Presented By:
Tim Ervin
Counseling for Solutions, LLC
150 Tips on Exce...
We listen at 125-250 wpm, think at 1000-3000 wpm
75% of the time we are distracted, preoccupied or forgetful
20% of the ti...
•What is the difference between hearing and listening?
Hearing is simply the act of perceiving sound by the ear. If you a...
Bias or prejudice
Language differences or accents
Noise
Worry or Fear, or anger, and
Lack of attention span
450 Tips on Ex...
• Making up your mind in advance that the subject is uninteresting or unimportant
• Focusing on a speaker’s looks and deli...
Selective Attention
• We decide on what we FOCUS on, or
• What we give our ATTENTION.
Selective Interpretation
• We place ...
• Criticizing the subject or the speaker
• Getting over-stimulated
• Listening only for facts
• Not taking notes OR outlin...
Active listening is a structured form of
listening and responding that focuses the
attention on the speaker.
850 Tips on E...
The listener must take care to attend to the
speaker fully, and then repeats, in the
listener’s own words, what he or she ...
The listener does not have to agree with
the speaker--he or she must simply state
what they think the speaker said. This
e...
• Eye Contact
• Verbal Responses
• Asking Relevant Questions
• Posture
• Gestures, nods
• Future actions
• Feelings of bei...
Check for Understanding
Check for Accuracy
Check Feelings
Summarize
1250 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
1. Listen
2. Question
3. Reflect-Paraphrase
4. Agree
1350 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
To Feelings As Well As Words
• Words – Emotions -- Implications
Focus on Speaker
• Don’t plan, speak, or get distracted
Wh...
3 Purposes
1. Demonstrates you are listening
2. Gather information
3. Clarification
Open-ended
• Tell me more?
• How did y...
Reflect What Is Said
(In your words)
Reflect Feelings
Reframe
• Capture the essence of the communication
• Remove negative...
• Get Speaker’s Consent to Your Reframing
• Speaker Has Been Heard and Knows It!
• Solution Is Near!
1750 Tips on Excellen...
21. Know when to Practice
Active Listening
This is listening to words, intonation, and
observing body language and facial
...
Know when to Practice
Active Listening
There are three important things for the
listener to remember during active listeni...
Active Listening: Getting Prepared
1. Take responsibility for understanding the speaker; Make sure he explains
his thought...
Active Listening: During Interaction
4. Take notes.
5. Ask questions at timely intervals to confirm what
is being said.
6....
Active Listening: Recap
This is also called the “Play-back Technique”; which
means after you listen to a message (especia...
“If you have an apple and I have an apple and we
exchange these apples then you and I will still
each have one apple. But ...
22. Know when to Practice
Effective Listening
Here, you are listening with full attention to the
sounds, and all other rel...
Know when to Practice Effective
Listening
You should be able to see and feel the speaker’s situation. Also you should
reac...
Effective Listening: Pause and Reflect
Many people do not give themselves adequate
pauses for thinking when listening and...
23. Know when to Switch to
Facilitative Listening
It is an attitude of mind that goes beyond even
empathic listening becau...
24. Dig Down
Go beyond current surface needs to identify each person’s primary needs.
Use this skill to understand signi...
25. Use your Logical Thinking
Be aware of problems, make reactive or proactive
plans, make
instructions, requests, recomme...
Use your Logical Thinking
Focus on the current situation (vs. past or future), intentionally build and
use a vocabulary t...
Diagram on
Interaction between
thinking and
communication
3150 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
26. Seek Accuracy
Pin your plans or the other person’s plans to a
clearly marked time/time range.
Make reminders highlight...
27. Choose the Right Words
The most common cause of misunderstanding
arises from missing that the same word -used
by two p...
Choose the Right Words
Using simple, direct words also helps in
transmitting a concise and clear message.
Using words wh...
“Someone has said that all living is just
learning the meaning of words. That does not
mean the long ten syllable words we...
I-statements help you express the way you feel
and what you want with great clarity.
3650 Tips on Excellent Communication ...
Sometimes people use "you" statements, such as "You never
call when you are going to be late." This type of statement
can ...
. When you use I-statements, such as, "I really need to know when
you're going to be here so I can make plans," you expres...
4 Parts
• Describe
• Express
• Specify
• Consequences
3950 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
• DESCRIBE - Describe the undesirable behavior
that the person is displaying.
• Be very specific.
4050 Tips on Excellent C...
EXPRESS - Express how this behavior
makes you feel. Use your feeling words
and “own” your emotions.
4150 Tips on Excellent...
SPECIFY – Name an alternative
behavior – Tell how things need to
change.
4250 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
CONSEQUENCES - Tell how things will change
if the person changes their behavior. The
consequences can be positive or negat...
4450 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
28. Say “No” without Hurting Others
• Don't be defensive in giving your answer. It's
possible to respond in a way that tur...
Say “No” without Offending Others
• Be aware of the tone in your voice. Remain calm and talk to the person as
if you were ...
Say “No” without Hurting Others
• Don't make up false excuses. Trying to create a
complicated story on the spot will make ...
29. Balance the Right Tone of Voice
Audible signals (apart from the words themselves)
also give lots of clues about feelin...
Balance the Right Tone of Voice
Avoid using a “mono-tone” (using the same tone of voice while trying to
communicate differ...
30. Use Inflection
This is a modulation of the voice by intentionally
changing the pitch or tone of voice between high
an...
31. Adjust your Voice’s Volume
A loud voice makes you sound more authoritative while
if you speak too softly you may strai...
32. Adjust Your Voice’s Pace
Generally, try to slow down while you are
talking, especially when addressing a group or
som...
“Have you ever noticed? Anybody going
slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a maniac”
George Ca...
33. Speak Clearly
Do not speak with your teeth together.
Stress on the vowels.
Try to pronounce every letter because yo...
34. Pause in the Right Time
People pause to get the time to think about what to say or to understand
what is just being s...
Pause in the Right Time
• Pause when you need to asses your thoughts instead
of muttering speech fillers such as “umm’s” a...
5750 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
35. Understand Silent Messages
Research has proven that vocal and visual
communication outweigh verbal messages
there is a...
Understand Silent Messages
Video yourself and watch it back. Record a voice
memo of yourself on your phone. Then, consider...
6050 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
36. Resolve Long Term Grudges
Grudges are painful. You might jeopardize an
important relationship by suppressing negative
...
Resolve Long Term Grudges
Reverse-engineer the situations where you didn’t like your reaction and
imagine yourself owning...
Resolve Long Term Grudges
Listen well and think well about it.
If the heat stirs, allow your counterpart to
retreat with...
37. Confront with Safety
Start with safety using a reconciliatory body
language, wording and voice tone.
Describe in a c...
38. Choose What and If
WHAT: when the problem comes up, talk about
the original problem or content. Cut to the
heart of th...
Choose What and If
IF: whenever you remain silent in the wrong time, ask
yourself these questions:
1. Am I acting it out?
...
39. Write Letters & Notes
Whether it be through electronic channels or
classical hard-copy letters: writing a note or
lett...
Write Letters & Notes
1. What the other person did/does that you
don’t like.
2. How that makes you feel.
3. Your fears abo...
Write Letters & Notes
4. Your apology for any mis-comings that may
have come from your side too.
5. What you miss and how ...
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Part 5

  1. 1. 50 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life PART 5. Presented By: Tim Ervin Counseling for Solutions, LLC 150 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  2. 2. We listen at 125-250 wpm, think at 1000-3000 wpm 75% of the time we are distracted, preoccupied or forgetful 20% of the time, we remember what we hear More than 35% of businesses think listening is a top skill for success Less than 2% of people have had formal education with listening 250 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  3. 3. •What is the difference between hearing and listening? Hearing is simply the act of perceiving sound by the ear. If you are not hearing- impaired, hearing simply happens.  Listening, however, is something you consciously choose to do. Listening requires concentration so that your brain processes meaning from words and sentences. Listening leads to learning 350 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  4. 4. Bias or prejudice Language differences or accents Noise Worry or Fear, or anger, and Lack of attention span 450 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  5. 5. • Making up your mind in advance that the subject is uninteresting or unimportant • Focusing on a speaker’s looks and delivery instead of on what he/she is saying • Paying only partial attention to what someone is saying because you are busy thinking about what you are going to say next. 550 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  6. 6. Selective Attention • We decide on what we FOCUS on, or • What we give our ATTENTION. Selective Interpretation • We place our own PERSONAL meaning on what a person is saying. 650 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  7. 7. • Criticizing the subject or the speaker • Getting over-stimulated • Listening only for facts • Not taking notes OR outlining everything • Tolerating or creating distraction • Letting emotional words block message • Wasting time difference between speed of speech and speed of thought 750 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  8. 8. Active listening is a structured form of listening and responding that focuses the attention on the speaker. 850 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  9. 9. The listener must take care to attend to the speaker fully, and then repeats, in the listener’s own words, what he or she thinks the speaker has said. 950 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  10. 10. The listener does not have to agree with the speaker--he or she must simply state what they think the speaker said. This enables the speaker to find out whether the listener really understood. If the listener did not, the speaker can explain some more. 1050 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  11. 11. • Eye Contact • Verbal Responses • Asking Relevant Questions • Posture • Gestures, nods • Future actions • Feelings of being valued, heard, cared for. 1150 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  12. 12. Check for Understanding Check for Accuracy Check Feelings Summarize 1250 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  13. 13. 1. Listen 2. Question 3. Reflect-Paraphrase 4. Agree 1350 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  14. 14. To Feelings As Well As Words • Words – Emotions -- Implications Focus on Speaker • Don’t plan, speak, or get distracted What Is Speaker Talking About? • Topic? Speaker? Listener? Others? Look At Speaker • Use Verbal & Non-Verbal Encouragers 1450 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  15. 15. 3 Purposes 1. Demonstrates you are listening 2. Gather information 3. Clarification Open-ended • Tell me more? • How did you feel? • Then what happened? 1550 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  16. 16. Reflect What Is Said (In your words) Reflect Feelings Reframe • Capture the essence of the communication • Remove negative framing • Move toward problem solving 1650 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  17. 17. • Get Speaker’s Consent to Your Reframing • Speaker Has Been Heard and Knows It! • Solution Is Near! 1750 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  18. 18. 21. Know when to Practice Active Listening This is listening to words, intonation, and observing body language and facial expressions, and giving feedback. But active listening doesn’t involve two-way emotional involvement, or empathy. 1850 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  19. 19. Know when to Practice Active Listening There are three important things for the listener to remember during active listening is:  Answer – Questions  Acknowledge – Statements  Resolve – Objections 1950 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  20. 20. Active Listening: Getting Prepared 1. Take responsibility for understanding the speaker; Make sure he explains his thoughts well by probing sufficient explanation. 2. Try to eliminate any physical distractions or noise by moving to a quiet area. 3. Mentally review what you already know about the subject. 4. Try to find an area of interest. 2050 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  21. 21. Active Listening: During Interaction 4. Take notes. 5. Ask questions at timely intervals to confirm what is being said. 6. Look for non-verbal cues which may reinforce or contradict the vocal message. 2150 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  22. 22. Active Listening: Recap This is also called the “Play-back Technique”; which means after you listen to a message (especially a complicated one) you need to summarize what you just heard to make sure you got it all. Recapping is also crucial in receiving data such as phone numbers, names or addresses. 2250 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  23. 23. “If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have one idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us has two ideas.” George Bernard Shaw Irish Playwright 2350 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  24. 24. 22. Know when to Practice Effective Listening Here, you are listening with full attention to the sounds, and all other relevant signals, including: tone of voice, other verbal aspects - e.g., pace, volume, breathlessness, flow, style, em phasis, facial expression and body language. 2450 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  25. 25. Know when to Practice Effective Listening You should be able to see and feel the speaker’s situation. Also you should react and give feedback to check that you understand the speaker. You need to summarize and probably take notes if it's an important discussion. You need to be honest in expressing disagreement but at the same time express genuine understanding; aiming to keep emotions civilized and under control even for difficult discussions. 2550 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  26. 26. Effective Listening: Pause and Reflect Many people do not give themselves adequate pauses for thinking when listening and responding. Adopting this attitude has a strong additional element of being interested in helping the other person see and understand their options and choices. 2650 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  27. 27. 23. Know when to Switch to Facilitative Listening It is an attitude of mind that goes beyond even empathic listening because it implies and requires that you are able to extend an exceptionally helpful approach to the other person. In this respect you are acting rather like a protector or guardian, in the event that the other person is not being true to themselves. 2750 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  28. 28. 24. Dig Down Go beyond current surface needs to identify each person’s primary needs. Use this skill to understand significant internal, interpersonal conflicts and crises. Avoid clashing with people’s core beliefs or values. Awareness is one of the outcomes of digging down, this is used as an important techniques in meta-talk, assertion, and problem-solving skills. 2850 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  29. 29. 25. Use your Logical Thinking Be aware of problems, make reactive or proactive plans, make instructions, requests, recommendations, advice, ask questions, understand the situation, collaborate, display ideas, generate alternatives, and make decisions; instead of relying on personal preferences and opinions. 2950 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  30. 30. Use your Logical Thinking Focus on the current situation (vs. past or future), intentionally build and use a vocabulary to describe your perceptions, feelings and needs Avoid vague and ambivalent terms like those people, stuff, this whole thing, deal with, soon, etc.  Avoid "hand-grenade" (emotionally provocative) terms like stupid, weak, dumb, childish, wimp, fag, bully, selfish, liar, loser, failure, path etic, brainless, etc. 3050 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  31. 31. Diagram on Interaction between thinking and communication 3150 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  32. 32. 26. Seek Accuracy Pin your plans or the other person’s plans to a clearly marked time/time range. Make reminders highlighting specific requirements on specific deadlines. 3250 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  33. 33. 27. Choose the Right Words The most common cause of misunderstanding arises from missing that the same word -used by two people arguing about a concept- could have a different meaning to each of them. Minimizing abstraction and double meanings foster clarity of communication. 3350 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  34. 34. Choose the Right Words Using simple, direct words also helps in transmitting a concise and clear message. Using words which have constructive and positive indications motivate the receiver to listen and interact. 3450 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  35. 35. “Someone has said that all living is just learning the meaning of words. That does not mean the long ten syllable words we have to look up in the dictionary. The really great words to master are short ones—work, love, hope, joy, pain, home, child, life, death.” Halford E. Luccock Prominent American Methodist 3550 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  36. 36. I-statements help you express the way you feel and what you want with great clarity. 3650 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  37. 37. Sometimes people use "you" statements, such as "You never call when you are going to be late." This type of statement can make others feel angry and defensive immediately. 3750 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  38. 38. . When you use I-statements, such as, "I really need to know when you're going to be here so I can make plans," you express your the concern in terms of you. 3850 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  39. 39. 4 Parts • Describe • Express • Specify • Consequences 3950 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  40. 40. • DESCRIBE - Describe the undesirable behavior that the person is displaying. • Be very specific. 4050 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  41. 41. EXPRESS - Express how this behavior makes you feel. Use your feeling words and “own” your emotions. 4150 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  42. 42. SPECIFY – Name an alternative behavior – Tell how things need to change. 4250 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  43. 43. CONSEQUENCES - Tell how things will change if the person changes their behavior. The consequences can be positive or negative. Always try positive consequences first. 4350 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  44. 44. 4450 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  45. 45. 28. Say “No” without Hurting Others • Don't be defensive in giving your answer. It's possible to respond in a way that turns the exchange into a discussion rather than an argument. 4550 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  46. 46. Say “No” without Offending Others • Be aware of the tone in your voice. Remain calm and talk to the person as if you were having a conversation about the weather. • Compliment the offer or request and then clearly state your "no." For example, if your friend asks you to help her handcraft her wedding invitations, you could say, "I'm flattered you think I'm creative enough to pull off such an important job, but I'm not going to be able to help out." 4650 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  47. 47. Say “No” without Hurting Others • Don't make up false excuses. Trying to create a complicated story on the spot will make the other person angry and may eventually lead to you caving in and saying "yes“. If the person presses for a reason, simply tell her you have another commitment and leave it at that. 4750 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  48. 48. 29. Balance the Right Tone of Voice Audible signals (apart from the words themselves) also give lots of clues about feelings, mood, motive and personality. The way the voice is used is a very significant (usually unconscious) aspect of communication, aside from the bare words themselves. 4850 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  49. 49. Balance the Right Tone of Voice Avoid using a “mono-tone” (using the same tone of voice while trying to communicate different words and meanings) unless you want your listener to drift off and get confused and bored. Mono tone is used only in case dialogues where there is no need to trigger feelings or the attention of your listener, e.g. Reading a list of applicant names. 4950 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  50. 50. 30. Use Inflection This is a modulation of the voice by intentionally changing the pitch or tone of voice between high and low to convey a certain mood, tension, aspect, case, etc. Nerves often cause your voice to go up a few notes higher. Raise your tone as you ask a symbolic question. 5050 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  51. 51. 31. Adjust your Voice’s Volume A loud voice makes you sound more authoritative while if you speak too softly you may strain your listeners or imply a wrong message. So project your voice without shouting; there is no excuse for not being heard well. You need to lower your volume for emphasis while its advised to raise your volume when calling for action. 5150 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  52. 52. 32. Adjust Your Voice’s Pace Generally, try to slow down while you are talking, especially when addressing a group or someone you are speaking to for the first time. Speed up when reviewing information, that you know, is familiar to your listener. Be attentive to the speaking-speed of your communication partner and try to match up. 5250 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  53. 53. “Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac” George Carlin American Stand-up Comedian 5350 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  54. 54. 33. Speak Clearly Do not speak with your teeth together. Stress on the vowels. Try to pronounce every letter because you can’t compromise on being understood. 5450 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  55. 55. 34. Pause in the Right Time People pause to get the time to think about what to say or to understand what is just being said to them. In essence pauses are also recommended; before starting a new point to indicate a change of subject. Also before and after asking a question, before saying thank you, and in the middle of talking to get feedback if you are understood. 5550 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  56. 56. Pause in the Right Time • Pause when you need to asses your thoughts instead of muttering speech fillers such as “umm’s” and “err’s”. • Don’t pause for a long time; this may reflect that you wish to end the discussion. • Don’t pause in the middle of a sentence as this could imply that your mind is busy with something else. 5650 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  57. 57. 5750 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  58. 58. 35. Understand Silent Messages Research has proven that vocal and visual communication outweigh verbal messages there is a conflicted message. What does this mean? If what we say doesn’t match how we say it, people might not get it because what people see and hear from us does impact the communication experience more. 5850 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  59. 59. Understand Silent Messages Video yourself and watch it back. Record a voice memo of yourself on your phone. Then, consider how you come across both vocally and visually. Is there anything blocking your message from your listeners? What adjustments in your behavior will help the message come more clearly through? 5950 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  60. 60. 6050 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  61. 61. 36. Resolve Long Term Grudges Grudges are painful. You might jeopardize an important relationship by suppressing negative feelings and not allowing them to surface. So try the following steps to help you resolve the root cause of undesired grudges: 6150 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  62. 62. Resolve Long Term Grudges Reverse-engineer the situations where you didn’t like your reaction and imagine yourself owning up and reacting in a different manner that expressed your feelings instead of suppressing them. Confront your counterpart, either face to face or indirectly (by written communication), but think about what you want before you even start the fight. 6250 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  63. 63. Resolve Long Term Grudges Listen well and think well about it. If the heat stirs, allow your counterpart to retreat with dignity, giving him/her room to rethink and come back when they are in a better frame of mind. 6350 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  64. 64. 37. Confront with Safety Start with safety using a reconciliatory body language, wording and voice tone. Describe in a clear and simple way the gap between an action that occurred and your expectations. End with a question and try to get feedback while sustaining a good reaction from your side. 6450 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  65. 65. 38. Choose What and If WHAT: when the problem comes up, talk about the original problem or content. Cut to the heart of the matter by asking what you really do and don’t want for yourself, the other person and the relationship. 6550 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  66. 66. Choose What and If IF: whenever you remain silent in the wrong time, ask yourself these questions: 1. Am I acting it out? 2. Is my conscience nagging me? 3. Am I choosing the certainty of silence over the risk of speaking up? 6650 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  67. 67. 39. Write Letters & Notes Whether it be through electronic channels or classical hard-copy letters: writing a note or letter to your counterpart would be a good idea to break the ice before a confrontation . This is what you need to write in a precise and concise form: 6750 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  68. 68. Write Letters & Notes 1. What the other person did/does that you don’t like. 2. How that makes you feel. 3. Your fears about how this would affect your relationship. 6850 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life
  69. 69. Write Letters & Notes 4. Your apology for any mis-comings that may have come from your side too. 5. What you miss and how you wish your relationship was. 6. Ask for some time to meet (Optional). 6950 Tips on Excellent Communication for Life

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