Published

1. What We Can Learn From Bachelor Matt
James's Season, According to Experts
Relationship experts weigh in.
The finale for Matt James' Bachelor season hasaired, and for reasonsunlike
any previous franchise ending before, the theme of his season was centered,
rather pointedly, on racism and foundational relationship values. On Monday,
viewers saw Matt James, Bachelor Season 25, deliver his final rose to graphic
designer Rachael Kirkconnell, ending hisrelationship with runner-
up and teacher Michelle Young. However, James and Kirkconnell's time
together was short-lived.
Though Rachael has addressed the scandal and apologized, even more
controversy was incited when franchise host ChrisHarrison defended the
finalist in February. "This moment hassparked critical conversation and
reporting, raised important questions, and resulted in inspiring displaysof
solidarity from The Bachelor nation," James responded in a statement. "It has
also pushed me to reevaluate and processwhat my experience on The
Bachelor represents, not just for me, but for all of the contestants of color,
especially the Black contestantsof this season and seasonspast, and for you,
the viewers at home… My greatest prayer is that this is an inflection point
that results in real institutional change for the better."
Following the season finale, James elaborated on hissentimentssurrounding
the split. "Any time I'm in a relationship with somebody, it'sbecause marriage
is the ultimate goal. And, when youfind out thingslike I did, that deters you
from the ultimate goal because, [as] I stated during After the Final Rose, there
are just things that youmight not understand what it meansto be with
someone like me."
Given Matt James and Rachael Kirkconnell's split, numerousexpertsare
now weighing in on why foundational issues matter most in a relationship.
"Everyone has a hard time predicting what the future holdsin their
relationship. One reason is we focuson what we hope will happen, rather
than what is most likely to happen," explainsbehavioral andrelationship
expert Dr. Gary Lewandowski. "We think with our hearts rather than our
head. However, as psychologistsare fond of saying: 'The best predictor of

2. future behavior is past behavior.' People are reluctant to change. In Matt's
case, his partner's past behaviorsalso run contrary to hisidentity, something
he is also unlikely to change." Below, more expertsweigh in on foundational
values and how to identify them in a partner.
What Are Foundational Values?
Influenced by geography, family,culture, friendsand even education,
foundational values are formed over yearsof relational interaction and
shaped generally by exposure. Asyou and your partner are ever-evolving,
your values are often core to who youare despite external, evolving
circumstances. Some relationship values listed by experts include respect,
responsibility, loyalty, honesty, dependability and more.
"Our family provides us with our roots, and serves as a model for how we
approach our romantic relationshipsasadults," elaborates Dr. Lewandowski,
author of Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots that Undermine Your
Relationship… And How to See Past Them. "We also choose our friends
because they're a lot like us. The result is that our family and friends' beliefs
are often the same as our own. Over shortperiodsof time, we may be able to
stifle expressing those values. But over longer periods of time, that becomes
increasingly difficult. Differences in foundational values are a recipe for
constant conflict."
"Our environment, under which we were formally raised, sets our core
foundation, whether we accept it or otherwise," saysrelationship coach Anita
Kanti of Anita K Solutions, a clinical psychologist and author of Behaving
Bravely.
In the case of Matt and Rachael, their belief systems were already altered,
opening a schism of differences to navigate ahead. "Ibelieve there is a
foundational disconnect here that will most likely creep up on the pair in the
long-term," suggests Maria Sullivan, vice president of Dating.com. "The show
could've distracted [Matt] from some of the clear red flagsthat [viewers] have
picked up on… [and] it could've been easier for her to brush certain
undesirable aspects about her beliefs under the rug. Until the cameraswere
gone. It may not even be his fault that he'smissing certain signs. Ultimately,

3. when in the everyday swing of things, that'swhen the couple will determine
whether or not these differences will turn out to be irreconcilable."
How to Prioritize Foundational Values With Your Partner
Most relationships won't play out over a few monthsof reality television,
allowing couples to prioritize their values privately. Whether you're engaged,
married or single, foundational values are worth exploring within yourself and
within your relationship.
"The values youlook for in a partner should be the same ones youlook for in a
best friend," explains Dr. Lewandowski. "It should be someone who youlike
as a person, youcan trust, and enjoy spending time with. Thisperson cares
about what's best for you, sharesmany of your interests, is fun, and is
someone with whom you're comfortable being yourself." Here'show to
deduce and seek out shared values with your partner.
Talk It Out
As experts say, communication is key. "The solution isto talk thingsout. Ask
about their views on marriage, kids, parenting, handlingmoney,dealing with
family obligations, and expectationsfrom a romantic partner," saysDr.
Lewandowski. "It's easier said than done because the number one taboo topic
in relationships is (ironically and somewhat tragically)the relationship itself.
People fear 'the relationship talk' because it can result in finding out
information that threatens the relationship. It's a Catch-22."
Waysto broach the topic include asking direct questions or sharing ideal
hypothetical relationship scenarios. Youcould also observe another
relationship and go from there. "Open and honest communicationin
relationships is crucial, so being upfront about any concernsand how youfeel
is best," notes Dr. Lewandowski.
See Where You Align
Once youopen up the conversation, validating your priorities and seeing
where youoverlap are the next steps. "For example, if your family is your top
priority, validating that with your current or future partner will need to be
stressed regarding your dedicated commitment," saysKanti. "Values need to
be prioritized in your life to avoid misunderstandingsleading to unhappiness.

4. Being authentic and in tune with your values is vital because it determines
what means most to you."
Identify Any Areas of Friction
While there are times to agree to disagree, differences stemming from
foundational values are blatantly a different issue. "Friction early on can
indicate misalignment of values. As much aswe're all on our best behavior
early in relationships, our values are hard to hide," addsDr. Lewandowski.
"Youhave to look for potential differences, which isdifficult. Early in
relationships, we're flooded with the excitement and passion of falling in love.
It doesn't leave a lot of room for critically evaluating what seems like minor
issues. However, research showsthat the problemsthat eventually lead a
couple to divorce have been present in the relationship since the beginning."
In Matt and Rachael's case, the sheer emotionsof filming may have concealed
opportunities to dig deeper. "If youhave any questionsabout a person's
beliefs in any way, shape or form, what youneed to do isbe upfront and clear
about it," says Sullivan. "It is so important to take this seriously before settling
into any long-term commitment to ensure your partner isable to fulfill your
emotional and foundational needs."
Some Values AreIrreconcilable
"A person who celebrates something that youbelieve is undeniably wrong is a
clear sign," adds Sullivan. "It'sone Matt likely would have picked up on if in a
more authentic, 'everyday' setting." When there are stark differences in
values in a relationship, couples often hold firm to what they believe. This,
then, could result in eventual arguments.
"The friction youfeel is your inability to sway from your own beliefs, and it's
something youneed to listen to in order to feel fulfilled in your own life,"
notes Sullivan. "When this feeling comes up in a relationship, take the time to
understand what topic or action of your partnersmay have caused it.
Anything that youfeel that strongly about needsto be shared or respected by
your partner for it to last."
Matt James' Bachelor season is available for streaming on Hulu. In place of
ChrisHarrison, former NFL player and the creator of Uncomfortable

5. Conversations With A Black Man, Emmanuel Acho, hosted the event.
Acho's questions were lauded for being thoughtfully crafted and direct.