The talk based on this ppt can be heard here: https://www.thespiritualscientist.com/category/lecture-series/spiritualizing-our-relationships-alachua-2018/ The speaker, Chaitanya Charan, is a monk, mentor and spiritual author. He has written 20 books and writes the world's only daily blog on the timeless spiritual class, Bhagavad-gita, at gitadaily.com

1. Spiritualizing
our
relationships

2. How can we spiritualize?
When we relate with others,
what can we change?
1. Our vision of others
2. Our vision of our role in the
relationship
3. Our input in the relationship

3. How the modes
affect
relationships

4. Why spiritualizing relationships seems to backfire?
Every relationship:
Some expectation
Some contribution
When we become spiritual, we
decrease our contribution &
increase our expectation

5. Material vs spiritual consciousness
Material consciousness: What
can this person do for me?
Spiritual consciousness: What
can I do for this person?

6. Pseudo-spiritualizing others
We think we have a mandate to
remake others according to our
image of what they should be
We are meant to help others
discover what they are meant to
be by Krishna’s plan

7. Focus on not just action but also disposition
Devotion is not just a matter of
action, but also of disposition
We may force others to do some
actions and end up making their
disposition unfavorable

8. Three modes – three behavioral types
Goodness – Contemplation before
action (14.11)
Passion – Action before
contemplation (14.12)
Ignorance – Neither action nor
contemplation, just delusion (14.13)

9. Metaphors for modes
Channels along which our
consciousness flows by
default
Ropes that pull our
consciousness in particular
directions

10. Modes, mind, emotions
Emotions are non-rational
responses to stimuli
Emotions are shaped by
modes

11. Modes, mind, emotions
Emotion is meant to be
balanced by reason
But reason is often like a canoe
precariously afloat in the
turbulent ocean of emotion

12. Modes, mind, emotions
The lower the mode, the greater
the hold of emotion over
reason
Emotion doesn’t just conquer
reason; it conscripts reason

13. How the modes affect us
Perceive (our vision of other)
Process (our vision of our role in
the relationship)
Pursue (our input in the
relationship)

14. Our vision
of others

15. How we perceive
Goodness: See material &
spiritual both (18.20)
Passion: See material alone
(18.21)
Ignorance: See material
fragmentally (18.22)

16. How we perceive in ignorance
Reduce people to some one
attribute of theirs
Eg Daksha saw Sati not as
daugher, but as wife of Shiva
Eg. Boy in foster home

17. How we perceive in passion
Reduce people to their
physical or external attributes
Eg Men treat women as sex
machines & women treat men
as ATM machines

18. How we perceive in goodness
See others, like us as
combinations of strengths and
weaknesses
Seek to understand others just
as we want them to understand
us

19. How we perceive in transcendence
We all are works in progress,
souls at our own levels in our
spiritual evolution
Krishna is working on all of
us

20. How we perceive in transcendence
Our relationships are not just
products of karma, but also plans of
Krishna
We are meant to be:
Not sources of material gratification,
but partners in spiritual evolution

21. How we perceive in transcendence
In dependence on Krishna is
independence
Only independent people can
be interdependent

22. Unvarying intention, Varying execution
We serve with some
We serve through some
We serve some
We serve in spite of some

23. Our vision of
our role in the
relationship

24. Self-conception in modes
Ignorance: Victim mentality
(Under-estimate our capacity)
Passion: Victor mentality
(Over-estimate our capacity)
Goodness: Partner mentality
(Realistically estimate our capacity)

25. Expectation in modes
Ignorance: Everything will go
wrong
Passion: Everything will go
right
Goodness: Let’s focus on the
right and manage the wrong

26. Expectation in modes
Maximizer: I want the best
deal
Optimizer: I will look for the
best in the situation

27. Maximizer mentality makes for misery
Disappointment: No product lives up
to the expectation created by the effort
Nagging fear, “Might have got a better
deal”
Frustration: When some better product
comes up

28. Maximizer mentality in relationships
• Dream of perfect relationship
• Never settle for what we
have
• If ever there was a ideal
society, we wouldn’t be
allowed into it

29. Over-expectation
When we have the whole
world depicted in the media
as our reference point, the
real world always seems pale

30. Coming to goodness
Don’t depress yourself;
depress your expectation –
of others and of yourself

31. Rising to transcendence
Seek not the best in the
world,
seek to reshape the world as a
launching pad to the best

32. Our input in the
relationship

33. Many meanings of love
Emotion: I feel so much love
Attraction: Fall in love
Expectation: You don’t love me
Intention: I am committed
Action: I do my part

34. Our mind determines our language
Love needs to be not just
offered, but offered in a way
that it is felt as love

35. Find the fault of faultfinding
Constant criticism changes
“We are in this together”
To
“Are we in this together?”
Eg Team players
disagreeing vs doubting each other

36. Separate behavior from person
Avoid value-judgments
Focus first on facts, then on
feelings
Eg. Not “you are irresponsible”,
but “When you don’t do …, I feel
exasperated because I can’t …”

37. Separate behavior from person
Being carried away by
feelings – passion/ignorance
Channeling feelings
constructively - goodness

38. Pursue: Tolerate Mitigate Emigrate
Some things can’t be changed -
tolerate
Some things can’t not be
changed – mitigate
Some things aren’t worth the
effort to change – emigrate

39. Material vs spiritual approaches
Material: Change the
externals
Spiritual: Change the
internals

40. External change - Excess
Decreased commitment to
anything
Lack of fulfillment in anything
Eg. Gender bender

41. Internal change - Excess
Apathy and passivity to
atrocity
Fatalism

42. Pursue - Pandavas
Tolerated: Poisoning, Arson
Mitigated: Draupadi’s
disrobing
Emigrated: Krishna’s departure

43. Pursue – Srila Prabhupada
Tolerated: Meat in host’s fridge
Mitigated: Fought for Juhu land
Emigrated: Focused on US instead
of India to start ISKCON

44. Look beyond problems to Krishna
Let our self-identity come
from our vertical relationship
We are Krishna’s servants
first, acting in various roles as
a service

45. Keep the consciousness flowing
When one channel gets
blocked, find a channel that is
unblocked
Change the driving question
from “Why?” to “How?”

46. Don’t catastrophize, contextualize
Whatever karma may get us
to, Krishna will get us
through

47. See with the eyes of faith
We see the present and plan
the future
Krishna sees the future and
plans the present