6. Please answer the following:
Have you ever had someone ask you for a
ride at the last minute when you were
really busy… and you gave them the ride
any- way?
7. Have you ever had someone
want to borrow something
of yours and you did not
want to lend it… but you
did?
8. Have you ever been
asked to volunteer…
and you resented
saying yes?
9. Have you ever been asked to
do something and you knew
it was wrong but did not
know how to respond…
and you consented?
10. Consequences of “Yes”
We reduce our boundaries
We promote lack of planning by others
We encourage the path of least
resistance
Compromise self-worth
12. So why do we say Yes?
Fear of rejection
Obligation
Payback
Skills
Beliefs
13. Irrational Beliefs: Albert Ellis
Love and Approval
It is a dire necessity for adult humans to be loved or approved by virtually every
significant other person in their community.
Perfect – Good People say yes! I am a good person.
One absolutely must be competent, adequate and achieving in all important respects or
else one is an inadequate, worthless person.
People are fair.
People absolutely must act considerately and fairly and they are damnable villains if they
do not. They are their bad acts.
It is easier to say yes than to be honest with myself.
One cannot and must not face life's responsibilities and difficulties and it is easier to
avoid them.
I do not control my own life - saying yes just affirms it.
One must be quite dependent on others and need them and you cannot mainly run
one's own life.
19. Elements of
saying “No”
Positive feeling message
Negative content message
Positive feeling message.
20. Positive Feeling
Response:
•Thank you for asking.
•I can hear this is important to you!
•I appreciate you thinking of me.
•I can’t imagine the task that you have
in front of you. (Empathic)
22. Conditional
No’s
I would be glad to help if….
I would be glad to take you to the mall when…
I would be willing to help you if you will…
I am not available but feel free to ask me next
week.
23. Positive Feeling :
Thank you again for considering me.
I appreciate you thinking of me.
If you can give me a week’s notice
I would be glad to help you out.
28. REFUSAL SKILLS
Focus on what you will do,
not on what they have to do.
You do not solve a problem by
creating one for others.
29. The Language of
Refusal
You are welcome to stay but I am going.
You are welcome to have a party at your
house but I am not willing to have one here.
I can appreciate your interest but I am not
willing to do that.
30. Refusal skills
Focus on what you will do, not on
what they have to do.
You are welcome to … but I am going
to stay.
Thank you for offering but I am not
hungry.
32. Empathy
Does not assume control
Validates a person
Accesses the heart
Opens voluntary communications
33. Respond with Empathy
I am sorry you feel that way...
You look really tired...
You seem to have a lot of energy...
That must be really uncomfortable
Help me understand
Humm...
That must feel terrible...
34. Don’t get hooked
Avoid Fights!
•No problem (Go do it yourself!)
•Good Try (You are ugly!)
•Thanks for sharing (You don’t love me)
•Bummer
•I am sorry you feel that way.