1) The most likely perpetrators of child sexual abuse are family members or others known to the child, not strangers. Boys and girls can both be victims. 2) It is important for parents to have open conversations with their children about body safety and appropriate touching on a regular basis. 3) Parents should empower children by teaching them that they have control over their own bodies and can say no if someone touches them in a way that makes them uncomfortable.

1. Talking to our children about it
Sapna Agarwal

2. Myths
Strangers V/s family:
The person most likely to sexually abuse your child is a person your child knows – and trusts. estimates30% close family
members , 60% extended family members and those known to family, only 10% are strangers . Some indian studies put
known upto 89%
Boy V/s girl :
The global prevalence of child sexual abuse has been estimated at 19.7% for females and 7.9% for males India it seems much
much higher.
 Children of all ages, races, ethnicities, cultures, and economic backgrounds are vulnerable to sexual abuse. Child sexual
abuse occurs in rural, urban, and suburban areas. It affects both girls and boys in all kinds of neighborhoods and
communities, and in countries around the world. In most cases, the perpetrator is male regardless of whether the victim is
a boy or girl.
RAHI NGO states that 75% of middle/upper class women have been abused.
53% of all Indian children are victims of sexual abuse according to the government report (2007).
 Children who have faced some amount of sexual abuse 53%
 Children who report having been sexually assaulted 6%
 Cases where the abuser was in a relationship of trust with the child 50%
Did You Know?
 53% of children in India are sexually abused?
 72% of these children do not talk about it and suffer in silence?
 A majority of these children have been abused by people known to them
 64% of Incest Survivors were abused between the age of 10-18 years
 32% of Incest Survivors were abused between the age of 2-10 years
 87% of the Incest Survivors were abused repeatedly
 19% of the abused were currently living with at least one of the abusers

3. Being Aware is Good
But Only awareness is not enough. Even those
who have suffered abuse as children and well
aware of the problem do not take any steps to
safeguard their own children

4. Not My Child – Parents
perception of CSA
This research was conducted by me in 1996 – 97 in an
elite colony with approximately 225 households in
Jaipur.
Major findings:
 A significant number of parents – both dads and moms
had experienced some form of sexual abuse as children.
They were aware that boys and girls could both be
abused and yet were concerned only for their girl
children. Though they all knew theoretically that
children should be educated about possible abuse,
almost none of them had spoken with their own child.
Though they knew that children were abused by those
closest to them none of them thought their own child
was vulnerable. The doctor in that colony reported
several incidents of CSA .

5. Are we being naïve?
Comments of sex offenders:
 One sex offender called parents "naive" because
they don't pay attention. He talked about abusing
children when in the same room with parents.
 A sex offender said that it's harder to abuse or
trick a child who has been educated about sex
abuse. They know what to look for.
 Another sex offender said that parents
should never be "embarrassed" to talk about sex
abuse with their children. It is the only way to
protect them.

6. I have never spoken to my child
about abuse
In fact you have there is some traditional advice that we have
all given our children
 Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t sit in anyone’s cars. Follow
buddy system. Keep someone informed about where you are
and with who at all times
All these are effective essentials but not enough
 For non – strangers
 Modern day situations – like the internet

7. You are Your child’s most
effective protector
 By enabling the child
 By being alert and enabled yourself
Talking to your child about abusive situations is part
of protecting him, but having a ―prevention talk‖ is
only part of the solution. It’s more effective if you
talk about these issues on a regular basis and
provide a lifestyle of open communication and
healthy support. Words are important, but be
aware of non-verbal messages you may be
sending. It’s how you treat your child, how you
treat yourself and the behavior you model that will
impact him the most.

8. Yes, its important to speak
about safe’ unsafe touch with
my child. But how?
 Plan a specific time to sit down with your child to discuss sexual abuse.
 Explain to your child that God made their body very special. Every part of their
body is good, but some parts of their body are private.
 Clearly identify for your child which parts of their anatomy are private. If your
child is young, consider sharing the above information during their bath time.
Another idea is to have your child dress in a bathing suit and show them that all
areas covered by a bathing suit are "private."
 Let your child know they must tell you if anyone touches them in the private
areas – no matter who the person is, or what the person says to them. Assure
your child they will not be in trouble if they tell you they've been touched
inappropriately – rather, you will be proud of them, and help them through the
situation.
 Assure children it is not their fault if someone touches them or makes them touch
another person in a questionable way.
 Talk with your child on a regular basis. Encourage your child to share what is
happening in their lives."
Talking with children in small groups in classrooms or kids clubs can be a
good beginning . The message then needs to be reinforced repeatedly at
home

9. Arm your child against
possible abuse
 Develop Sense of ownership of body
 His body is his own body and he has the right to keep it private.
 He has the right to refuse any kind of touch from another person.
 Know body parts – label
 Safe/ unsafe touch: Safe touch (hugging, consoling, even mussing his hair)
feels good. Unsafe touch (hitting, kicking, pinching, molesting) feels bad, uncomfortable,
scary, or "funny" (weird).
 Good/ bad secret: A good secret, one that's okay to keep, is usually exciting and
fun (a birthday present, or a surprise party). A good secret almost always involves hiding knowledge
from one or two special people for a short period of time (hardly ever longer than a month). But a
bad secret probably won't make your child feel excited or happy. Instead, it feels like trouble—and
no one is ever supposed to find out about it
 Giving child the right to say NO: When a relative comes to visit,
Do you command your child, "Give your aunt a kiss." It may be better to, ask your child, "Do
you want to give your aunt a kiss?" If he says no, don't apologize or make excuses. That's his
right .

10. Besides safe/ unsafe touch
some simple stuff you can do
 Teach your child awareness of dangerous
activities and the lures used to entice children.
 Is your child vulnerable to grooming tactics? A
child’s need for love is stronger than his need to
avoid danger. Does your child know he is special
to you

11. What more can I do?
 Reduce or eliminate situations where your child is alone with an
adult. Be aware of anyone who pays an unusual amount of
attention to your children.
 Know at all times who your child is playing with and what they
are doing.
 Tell your child that they can tell you about anything bad that
happens to him no matter who it is. A high percentage of sexual
abuse is committed by coaches, teachers, extended family,
parents and other authority figures. Children are more vulnerable
with these people since they are taught to listen to these adults.
 Act on suspicions
 Prepare yourself. Know how to respond if your child discloses
abuse
 If you’ve been abused (sexually or in any other way), start the
journey of recovery. If you haven’t faced your own abuse, you
are more likely to either be overprotective or to miss the signs of
abuse and fail to stop abuse that you do see. Many survivors of
abuse make wonderful parents,
but you can only be a healthy parent if you are a healthy person.

12. Backing the talk
With your actions:
 What is your attitude about your child’s feelings? Do you pay attention to signals? Do
you only look for signs of abuse and everything else is ―no big deal‖ and your child should
just ―toughen up‖? If his nervousness over starting a new school or taking a big test
isn’t validated by you, you communicate that his feelings don’t matter. If you aren’t
trustworthy with the little things, what makes you think you’re trustworthy with the
bigger things? If you discount his emotions, how do you expect your child to value his
own emotions?
 Do you listen to what your child isn’t saying? Sometimes a child can’t articulate how he
is feeling, but he acts out. It’s common for a parent to assume that the child is the
problem instead of asking if there is something more sinister that the child may be
reacting to. One way a child ―tells‖ is through their bad behavior. Many children who are
abused are discounted because ―they always lie‖ or ―they’re just drawn to trouble‖. But
why do they misbehave? What are they angry about? Why do they ask for negative
attention?
 Children need to know that if someone abuses them, it was not their fault. Even if they
didn’t say ―no‖ or run away, they are not to blame.
 Do you give your child permission to tell you what they really think about people, even
those in authority? What if your son said something that wasn’t very nice about your
best friend? Your spouse? Your in laws? Would you be more afraid of your child being
―disrespectful‖ than you would of his possible mistreatment?
 Do you have a family culture that allows for reporting misbehavior in all others? Or do
you reprimand your child for ―tattling‖?

13. Getting your child to talk:
Door openers V/s Door
slammers
Examples of Door Openers
 "What do you think?"
 "Would you like to share more about that?"
 "That's a good question."
 "I don't know, but I'll find out"
 "I'm interested in what you are saying."
 "Do you know what that means?"
 "That sounds important to you."
 "Do you want to talk about it?"
Examples of Door Slammers
 "You are too young to understand."
 "If you say that again, I'll..."
 "That's none of your business."
 "I don't care what your friends are doing!"
 "We'll talk about that when you need to know."
 "That's just for boys/girls"
 "Why are you asking me that?"
 "You don't need to know about that."
 "Don't come to me if you mess up."

14. whY children don’t tell
Why They Don’t Talk
 • "How do I say it? What words should I use?"
 • "Mummy and Daddy won’t believe me!"
 • "I don’t even know how to say what happened, I just feel weird about it"
 • "Uncle didn’t really mean to be bad to me or did he?"
 • "My teacher might fail me if I tell Mummy"
 • "I am scared, Uncle told me not to tell anyone, it’s a secret."

Why They Talk, Eventually
 · Awareness and understanding of the abuse.
 · Discussion with an understanding parent or other adult with whom they are
comfortable.
 · Inability to bear the abuse anymore.
 · Physical illnesses following sexual abuse.
 · Secure adult relationships that provide confidence to deal with prior trauma
 · Revelation during therapy for any other reason
 · Desire to prevent abuse of other children

15. Help your child build a
network
Specially if your child is older
 Ask your child to think of all the people he can trust,
help him choose at least 5 who he feels he can trust
the most and feels comfortable talking with
 Ask these people if they are happy to be a person your
child can talk with.
 Make sure that your child has their phone numbers.
 These people will become your child’s network
 Tell your child Nothing is so awful that he can't talk to
someone about it.
 Now that your child has his own network, he is on his
way to keeping himself safe

16. Be Alert
An abuser Grooms the child and the
parent
Six stages of grooming have been identified. These include:
 Targeting the victim
 Gaining the victim's trust
 Filling a need
 Isolating the child
 Sexualizing the relationship
 Maintaining control
Grooming gives the child a sense of uniqueness or specialness,
the grooming process is meant to establish trust and affection,
increasing attachment and loyalty.
When the offender is a family friend or community member, he may
also need to groom the parent to gain access to the child.
Are you vulnerable to Grooming ?

17. Teaching child
The No – Go – Tell Principle
What can the child do?
 Tell the person very loudly that he wants them to stop.
 Get louder if they don't stop and tell them that he will tell
his mum or dad or some other trusted adult.
 Tell someone he trusts.
 Keep on telling different people in his network till his
problem is not fixed.

18. Safe Touch:
Simplifying it for kids
There are two aspects of safe touch:
where it happens and how it makes the child feel
As far as where it happens, the easiest way to
explain unsafe touch to kids is to say, ―Unsafe
touch is when someone touches a place on your
body that is normally covered by your bathing
suit. Most other places are safe to touch, as
long as it doesn’t make you feel
uncomfortable.‖ Feeling is more about helping
a child recognize his gut feelings and
respecting them.

19. The Safe touch program
 There are rules about everything – road,
school, home, eating, sleeping
 Rules about touching: the swimsuit principle
and uncomfortable factor
 Keeping secrets
 Saying no
 Go away
 Telling a trusted adult
 Keep telling till someone listens

20. Recognizing signs of Sexual abuse
Be alert
 Noticeable, new fear of a person (even a parent) or certain places
 Unusual or unexpected response from the child when asked if she was
touched by someone
 Drawings that show sexual acts
 Abrupt changes in behavior, such as bed-wetting or loss of bowel control
 Sudden awareness of genitalia
 Sexual acts and words shared with other children or animals
 Questions about sexual activity that are beyond the child’s development
 Changes in sleep habits, such as nightmares in young children
 Constipation, or refusal to have bowel movements
 Physical signs of abuse may include the following:
 Anal or genital redness, or bleeding
 Unusual discharge from the anus or vagina
 Sexually transmitted diseases such as gonorrhea, Chlamydia, or genital warts
 Repeated urinary tract infections in females

21. How should I ask my child
about being sexually abused?
CAREFULLY!
If you do not have any indication that your child has been
sexually abused it may be appropriate to give your child
information rather than question them. For example,
saying to your child that as their parent it is your job to
keep them safe and you want them to tell you if someone
or something scares or worries them. Giving them
examples such as, some kids get scared of bigger kids
because they bully them, or hit them. Some kids get
scared because someone tries to get them to do
something wrong like take something that doesn't belong
to them or someone tries to touch them or make them
touch another on their privates.

22. What Should I Do if a Child Tells
Me that Someone is Abusing
Her/Him?
 Keep calm. It is very important to remain calm. The child may think that your anger is directed
towards her/him
 Believe the child. In most cases, children do not lie about sexual abuseTell the child that the abuse
was not her/his fault.
 Listen to the child. Let the child tell you what happened in her/his own words. Expect that the story
may be incomplete. Typically, details come out as time goes by. Young children, in particular, may not
know how to explain what has happened to them
 Seek medical attention. The child may be suffering internal injuries that you cannot see. A medical
exam can also provide valuable evidence..
 REMEMBER…It is important to help the child focus on healing, recovery and reclaiming childhood.
 What Shouldn't I Do?
 Go into a rage. Do not respond by becoming angry. This will confuse and frighten the child, making
her/him avoid talking to you.
 Overwhelm the child. Do not stand over or invade the child’s personal space. This may make the child
feel powerless and intimidated. Do not pressure the child to talk if she/he is not ready. You are not
trained to ―interview‖ a child victim.
 Make promises. Do not make any promises that you are not sure you will be able to keep.
If you know any child / parent in need of help Ajmer has a helpline :
8003094568, 8003094569 – Umeed

23. Being sensitive
I have heard that some children who disclose
sexual abuse later “take it back.” Does this
mean they were lying?
No. In fact, attempting to ―take it all back‖—also known as
recantation—is common among children who disclose sexual abuse.
Most children who recant are telling the truth when they originally
disclose, but may later have mixed feelings about their abuser and
about what has happened as a result of the disclosure. Some
children have been sworn to secrecy by the abuser and are trying to
protect the secret by taking it back. Some children are dealing with
issues of denial and are having a difficult time accepting the sexual
abuse. In some families, the child is pressured to recant because
the disclosure has disrupted family relationships. A delay in the
prosecution of the perpetrator may also lead a child to recant in
order to avoid further distressing involvement in the legal process.