REGENCY_ MATCHMAKING BY LAGOTHANASI R

1. Matchmaking, Flirting, Love and Wedding
in Regency (1811-1820)
By LAGOTHANASI THEODORA-RAFAHLIA

2. THE ‘GOOD’ MARRIAGE
Finances were everything, so a
girl's family would be well
promoted if she married the
right man. Moreover, divorce
was impossible while marriages
between relatives were
conducive. As Hooloway says:
“People were still marrying very
closely within their own social
circles. […] It was not
uncommon for first cousins to
get married. The cousins were
people you'd known for a long
time. You will know their
temperament. They would have
the same family background,
similar upbringing and status
parity. All the characteristics of a
good race. And the marriage of
cousins could also keep property
within a family.”
WHERE AND HOW COUPLES MET
Young men and women attended
social spaces (balls) where they
could meet potential suitors and
reveal their inclinations. Friends
or extended family could host a
private tea or dinner where
couples could get to know each
other. The 18th century had
brought new public spaces
created to support the wedding
market: assembly halls,
recreation gardens, concerts etc.
Even then, the family members or
friends made a formal
introduction before the couple
could talk to each other. “When a

3. young man first introduced
himself to a woman, she could
bend over or smile, but they
wouldn't touch or shake hands
because that was much more
intimate. Once introduced, the
couple can talk to show polite
manners and knowledge of
civilized codes of conduct.
Women's behavior manuals
[published at the press] advised
young women to listen carefully,
give men their full attention and
not to talk very much.”
WHAT WAS FOLLOWED AFTER THE
INTRODUCTION
Young people needed the family's consent to continue to see each
other as a flirting couple. It was important that the flirting proceeded
with the full knowledge and approval of friends and family.
It was the young men who would make the first move by showing
interest and the ladies who had the “power”. One of the most
important tools they had during courtship was the power of refusal, to
discourage a gentleman's advances, refuse to dance with him, refuse to
enter into correspondence with him, and reject any marriage proposal.
«It was generally believed that during courtship, women held all power,
judging suitors who were trying to win their hand. But as soon as she got
married, the scales tipped in the opposite direction» as Holloway said.

4. WHY ESCORTS WERE NECESSARY
All of a couple's appointments but especially the first one required an
escort to avoid serious social repercussions. The purpose of an escort
was to preserve a woman's modesty and reputation, protect her from
the dangers of seduction and protect her dowry. Any family member
could act as an escort. It was usually a mother or older relative, but girl
friends also sometimes held this role.
GUIDELINES FOR CONVERSETIONS
Behavioral manuals advised young ladies to avoid mentioning gossip or
scandals, not to speak badly about others in case they look bad, and not
to participate in any discussion about religion. And this was the same for
men. Both were to avoid unpleasant matters. They also had to avoid
interrupting others, not chattering, not lying, and listening more than
talking and especially about women. Firstly they would initially address
one another as sir or madam, depending on rank, and then Mr. and Miss
or Lord and Lady. The use of a person's name during intimate
acquaintance was a special sign of intimacy. They could be used in their
letters when someone asked to be called by their first name, a sign that
a relationship was becoming much more serious.

5. LOVE LETTERS
As more people could read and write, the volume of romantic love letters
increased until it became a crucial aspect of flirting. Men had to request
official correspondence, and women accepted or refused to enter this
more serious stage. The admission signaled that a couple was on their way
to engagement. A love letter was a serious subject, valuable because of
the intimate feelings it contained but also as a material object itself as
they were… perfumed!
 WHAT WAS WRITTEN?
Women's letters are characterized by their modesty, reticence. In
contrast, the men's letters pondered enormously about the nature of
love, the depth of their emotions, and many included poems. The men's
correspondence was much more effusive, because it was their
responsibility to secure a match. However, it was not a private affair as
they passed through family or even friends.

6. PRESENTS
The couples exchanged many gifts when they flirted. Women gave gifts,
but they did not have to. When they did, they gave away various types of
objects – perhaps ruffles or hand-made vests or a scarf embroidered with
their hair and their suitor's hair, literally combining two bodies into a
single object. Men could give a lady specially mixed perfume, miniatures,
a silhouette or a book with underlined quotes. The progress of flirting
could be seen through the object given. The gloves were symbolic of
obtaining a woman's hand at the wedding while Garters were the most
erotic gift a man could buy for a woman – extremely intimate because
they held up her socks. Finally, they often had embroidered messages like:
“I die where I cling. They were very suggestive”.
BEFORE WEDDING AND THE END OF
FLIRATION
Affluent couples may flirt for a few months or a few years before getting
married. At least, a few months, so that they can determine whether they
were suitable or not. The longest was the 7 years. The downside of waiting
was the risk that things would not go well. It posed a huge risk to a
woman's reputation if the relationship broke off before she reached
marriage.

7. A man was expected to end a flirtation as clearly and quickly as he could
if he found it was not possible to get married. For example, if his father
refused. And then a couple would return any letters or tokens they had
received. They may have burned the letters, but more often they returned
them to show that this person no longer had any claim on them.
WEDDINGS
English weddings before the
Victorian era were small,
underrated events. The primary
purpose of the ceremony was the
religious consolidation of the
marriage contract. The simplicity
factor was one reason why the
time between the marriage
proposal could be too short. If
special permission had been
granted or someone of a different
faith from the Anglican Church
had been granted, the marriage
process was quite formal. Those
couples with extreme wealth and
importance may have a more
glamorous arrangement and
bigger celebration.
A wedding could take place any
day of the week. All weddings
took place in the chapel of the
parish where at least one of the
two persons lived. Under the
Hardwicke Marriage Act of 1753,
weddings were held during
normal hours from eight a.m. to
noon.
Flowers have always been an
integral part of any special
ceremony as well as weddings.
The brides kept bouquets tied
with ribbon or lace while the
decoration of the church did not
exist.
It was unusual for anyone outside
of immediate family and closest
friends to attend the ceremony.
The only requirements were the
clergyman, the parish clerk to
ensure official registration and
two witnesses.
Local citizens often waited
outside the church, ready to
congratulate the newlyweds. It
was customary for these people
to form a procession behind the
couple, shouting wishes all the
way back home.
If sent at all, invitations were
handwritten by the bride.
Depending on her creativity, the
invitation may be fancy, but more
often it was a key letter giving the
facts.

8. A bride was usually assisted by
one or two female chaperones.
The number increases if the bride
was of higher society. These
women helped the bride in
various ways—writing
invitations, dressing up—and one
was appointed an official witness
for the parish register. She could
be married or single. The groom’s
attendants served only as official
witnesses.
Flower girls are an ancient
tradition dating back to Rome.
Very popular during medieval
and Elizabethan times, having a
young girl dressed in white (for
chastity) before the bride to
scatter petals, sweet herbs and
seeds (for fertility) was a must.
The practice faded during the
drugged marriage procedures of
the Georgian era, although it was
not unheard of. By the Victorian
period the flower girl again
became important and remains
so to this day.
SOURCES: https://www.pbs.com
https://www.sharonlathanauthor.com
https://www.pinterest.com
https://www.victorianweb.com
https://www.sabrinajeffries.com

9. https://www.blogspot.com
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