This document summarizes the author's feelings of sadness and loneliness spending Passover alone without their family. In three sentences: The author expresses feeling despair and self-pity being alone for Passover without their family or children, as invitations go unaccepted and holidays are spent alone. They take small comfort in believing those who separated mothers and children will have a place in hell, including lawyers, judges, social workers and others who contributed to the pain of separation or lack of reunification. The author reflects on why this Passover night is different from others by being both a motherless child and childless mother, feeling abandoned repeatedly.

1. PASSOVER '94
I do not dwell in self-pity, in fact I am proud that I have learned to "let go" and "get on with my life." But once in
a while, just when you think you're "cured," a gray cloud comes suddenly over. Something triggers you back
to the very darkest days of your loss and grief. Spending Passover alone without my family of origins or my
children was such an occasion for me. I found comfort in expressing my sadness and my anger.
In my darkest hours of despair
and self-pity
as invitations go unaccepted
as holidays are spent alone
as I am ignored, forgotten,
cast off
while they go on
without me
as occasions go unremembered
unrecognized and unrewarded
In my darkest hours of despair
and self-pity
as I sit alone
while they go on
without me
as if I were not needed
as if I am not missed
as if I do not
never did
exist or count
or mean anything
One thought kindles a fire
that warms my otherwise cold
and empty soul
One thought fills
the barren void
once brimming over with
motherly love
affection and attention
I take some comfort
and consolation
in knowing,
believing with every ounce of my soul
that each and every one
of those who have acted
in ways that separate
mothers and children
will find a very special place
in hell someday
That every lawyer, and judge
every social worker, parent and grandparent
anyone and everyone who because
of what they've done
or haven't done
to break the sacred bond
or keep apart
or widen the gap
or speak negatively
or act indecently
or uncaringly
Those who have deliberately or
unknowingly contributed to
the pain of separation
or not contributed to the healing
of reunification,
Those who aided and abetted
Those who conspired in the
conspiracy of tearing apart
and putting asunder
What God in Her great wisdom
had joined together
Will answer to a higher power
Will suffer for what they've done
I know this
above all else to be true
mah nishtna ha-layla ha-zeh mi kol ha leilot?
why is this night different from all others?
Because my children are not with me,
Because Iam both
a motherless child and
a childless mother
abandoned again and again
and again