Bert Hellinger - Love's Own Truths - Bonding and Balancing in Close Relationships

1. LOVE’S OWN TRUTHS
Bonding and Balancing in
Close Relationships
by Bert Heliinger
Translated from the German by
Maureen Oberli-Turncr and Hunter Beaumont
mZeig, Tucker & Theiscn, Inc.
Phoenix, Arizona

2. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Hellinger, Bert.
Love's O w n Truths : bonding and balancing in close relationships / by B e r t
Hellinger ; translated from the German by Maureen Oberli-Turner and Hunter
Beaumont.
p. cm.
Includes index.
I S B N 1 - 8 9 1 9 4 4 - 4 8 - 7 (alk. paper)
1. Family Psychotherapy. 2. Family — Psychological aspects. 3. Conduct of life.
I. Title.
R C 4 8 8 . 5 . H 4 3 4 2001
6 1 6 . 8 9 ' 1 5 6 — d c 2 1 2 0 0 1 0 2 3 7 5 5
Copyright © 2001 by Zeig, Tucker & Theisen, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any process
whatsoever without the written permission of the copyright owner.
Published by
Z E I G , T U C K E R & T H E I S E N , I N C .
3 6 1 4 North 24th Street
Phoenix, A Z 8 5 0 1 6
Manufactured in the United States of America
1 0 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

3. C o n t e n t s
Preface xvii
Acknowledgments xx
Insight Through Restraint
E x c e r p t s f r o m a L e c t u r e on
Alternative A p p r o a c h e s t o H e a l i n g
Story: Helping revelations 1
Scientific and phenomenological paths of discovery 2
T h e procedure 2
Restraint 3
Courage 3
Story: Resonance 3
Philosophical phenomenology and conscience 4
Psychotherapeutic phenomenology 5
T h e soul 6
Religious phenomenology 6
Story: Turning back 7
Entanglements and Their Resolution
F r o m a n A d v a n c e d T r a i n i n g C o u r s e for H e l p i n g Professionals
THE FIRST DAY
T h e opening round 11
Adoption is risky 11
Rules of involvement 12
Story: More or less 13
T h e double displacement 13
T h e first woman 15
Happiness needs courage 16
A son's u n c o n s c i o u s identification with his m o t h e r ' s
favorite b r o t h e r 16

4. VI Contents
T h e difference between following someone's example and
being identified with a person 26
T h e principle of minimalism 27
Individuation detracts from the intensity of a relationship 27
Love follows predetermined laws 28
Rules of priority 29
T h e priority of the first close relationship 30
T h e hierarchy in the family 30
T h e exclusive status of the intimate sphere 31
Priorities in divorce 31
T h e objection 33
Hierarchy in organizations 33
T h e decision not to have children 35
" T o be or not to b e " 3 6
T h e consequences of such a decision for the couple's relationship 36
At loggerheads 37
Children w h o get bad grades 38
Transferred grief 38
A d a u g h t e r represents h e r father's d e c e a s e d sister 39
Compensation through suffering 43
Compensation on a higher level 44
Compensation through acknowledgment and respect 45
A c c e p t i n g one's life e v e n a t the c o s t o f m a n y o t h e r s 4 5
Story: They're here 48
Acknowledged personal guilt as a source of strength 56
Saving face for one's father 57
It is easier to suffer than to accept the solution 58
T h e humble solution hurts 58
A child's interrupted movement toward his mother or father 59
Shoulder pains 62
A flea in his ear 62
T h e m o t h e r t h r e a t e n e d t o kill herself a n d h e r children 6 3
T h e consequences of murder and threats of murder within
the family 71
People w h o have forfeited their right to belong must leave 72

5. Contents
Questions that help and questions that don't 73
T h e therapist's responsibility when working with family
constellations 74
Observing process rather than content 75
B e c o m i n g entangled in other people's confusion and other
people's feelings in a family constellation 76
T h e mother's threat of suicide 77
Story: The end 78
A matter of life and death 80
T h e grave 81
T w o g r e a t - u n c l e s w e r e e x c l u d e d , a n d a n uncle
w a s despised 81
T h e members of the family system 88
United in a c o m m o n fate: survivors and the deceased and
victims and perpetrators 89
A wife threatened to commit suicide 90
T h e d a u g h t e r represents h e r father's f o r m e r fiancee 9 1
T h e best place for children 96
Unconscious identification with a parent's former partner 97
Preoccupation with G o d 99
W h o should have custody of the child of an addicted mother? 1 0 0
W h a t leads to addiction? 101
Addiction as a means of atonement 1 0 4
Intuition is dependent on love 105
Addiction as attempted suicide 105
T h e healing movement toward the mother 105
W h a t should be c o n s i d e r e d w h e n a child's i n t e r r u p t e d
m o v e m e n t t o w a r d its m o t h e r o r father i s r e s u m e d
a n d c o m p l e t e d 1 0 6
T h e parents 106
Representatives of the parents 107
T h e deep b o w 108
T h e movement toward the parents must reach beyond them 109

6. Vlll Conten ts
T H E SECOND DAY
Adopting the role of victim as a means of revenge 110
T h e reassurance 111
T h e compensation 111
A surprising recovery 111
Amicable feelings 112
Identifying a double shift 112
Resolving a double shift 113
T h e wrong kind of forgiveness 119
T h e consequences for the child 1 2 0
A handicapped brother and an unacknowledged
half brother, both of whom died as children 121
Story: Fullness 130
A hopeless struggle 132
Taking on someone else's sadness makes one weak 132
Psychological hygiene in constellations 132
T h e stress of being happy 133
Divorce and guilt 1 3 4
Children frequently atone for irresponsible separations 134
Compulsive compensation through atonement 135
Feelings of guilt as a denial of reality 1 3 6
T h e bond created by the consummation of love 136
Within the mother's sphere of influence 137
Different ways of giving and taking in the family 138
Beloved burden 1 4 0
The father was illegitimate, the father's father was
excluded from the family 141
W h e n a child takes on the role of a parent 147
Atonement for the death of a woman in childbirth 147
Story: The illusion 150
Father and son 1 5 4
U n k n o w n grandfather 154
Honoring one's mother 155
Displaced enthusiasm 155

7. Contents ix
T h e d a u g h t e r is identified with h e r father's f o r m e r fiancee 156
Objective and subjective presumptuousness 161
Longing for one's father 162
Priority of the husband or wife in the family 163
T h e woman follows the man, and the man is in the
service of womanhood 164
Hopeless love 165
W h a t wrong must I have done to you to make me feel so
angry with you? 166
Anger as a defense against pain 167
Controlled anger 167
Different kinds of anger 167
Caution and courage 169
A son represents his m o t h e r ' s f o r m e r fiance 170
T h e systemic sense of balance 172
Different kinds of conscience 173
Story: Innocence 174
Conscience and compensation 175
Constructive and destructive equilibrium 175
T h e limits of compensation 176
Balance through gratitude and humility 177
Lasting clarity 177
Leaving the past in peace 178
All that remains of fire is ashes 179
No more back pains 180
Inequality in a couple's relationship a n d the l a w of
c o m p e n s a t i o n 180
Jealousy and compensation 185
Innocence and guilt 186
Unfaithfulness and faithfulness 186
Assumed feelings of revenge 188
Reflections on innocence 188
Gifts for one's mother 188
Crises are most easily resolved after they peak 189
T h e o t h e r i m a g e 189

8. X Contents
T H E THIRD DAY
T h e round 193
Assumed symptoms 194
T h e appropriate measure 196
Exonerated 197
T h e high price 197
T h e base feeling, and h o w to change it 198
Peace through love 2 0 0
Secret happiness 2 0 0
A different kind of knowledge 201
Giving without taking 2 0 2
N e w perspectives 2 0 2
Futile fantasies about relationships 2 0 2
Giving and taking in a partnership 2 0 3
Letting pressure flow away 2 0 4
T h e question of religion 2 0 5
Sadness about aunts who died in a concentration camp 2 0 5
Respecting the parents of handicapped children 2 0 6
Presumption and its consequences 2 0 6
Halfway there 2 0 8
Y e s and no to having a child of one's own 2 0 9
Y e s and no to smoking 2 1 0
R e l i e f for headaches 2 1 0
Honoring one's father — and behind him, God 211
Refusal to accept atonement 2 1 2
T h e y o u n g e s t d a u g h t e r ' s identification with h e r m o t h e r 2 1 2
Inheritances with and without a price 2 1 7
I n the grip o f fate 2 1 9
A short round 2 2 9
Standing firmly on both feet 2 3 0
Wanting to escape from emotional fullness 2 3 0
Fullness and completeness 2 3 0
Story: Reunion 231
Liking and respecting 231
Equals among equals 2 3 2
Reconciliation through clarity 2 3 3

9. Contents X I
R e m a i n i n g attentive 2 3 3
Self-restraint, with attentiveness and energy 2 3 4
T h e limits o f innocence 2 3 4
T h e relief of living in the present 2 3 5
Paying attention to the inner process 2 3 5
Helping victims of incest 2 3 6
H o w to help perpetrators of incest 2 4 1
Story: The stillness 2 4 2
About moral indignation 2 4 2
Story: Tlxe adulteress 2 4 3
W h a t r e d u c e s w o m e n t o size after t h e y a s s u m e t h e
r o l e o f G o d 2 4 5
Story: Mercy does not last forever 2 4 5
W o m e n and m e n 2 5 4
T h e break with G o d 2 5 4
Story: Greater faith 2 5 5
T h e father's p a r e n t s w e r e killed i n a c o n c e n t r a t i o n c a m p ;
t h e m o t h e r ' s p a r e n t s s u r v i v e d b y hiding 2 5 6
Life's grace 2 6 2
R e g a i n i n g a n d a c c e p t i n g a f a t h e r w h o died w h e n
his s o n w a s still y o u n g 2 6 3
A p p r o p r i a t e s e p a r a t i o n 2 6 8
T h e blessing concealed in things that went wrong 2 7 2
T h e next step 2 7 3
Closeness and restriction 2 7 3
M o t h e r and child 2 7 4
D o i n g the right thing for one's aging parents 2 7 4
T h e courage to do what is appropriate 2 7 4
Perspectives 2 7 5
Story: The way of the world 2 7 6
H o n o r i n g what has been 2 7 6

10. xn Contents
Laws of Belonging
From a Workshop for Family Therapists
T h e solution as a religious act 2 7 9
A woman who cannot have children of her own
adopted a child 2 8 0
T h e price 2 8 6
T h e hierarchy o f belonging 2 8 7
Objections 2 8 7
A child's right to his or her parents 2 8 9
T h e focus is on the victim, the child, and not on the
perpetrators 2 8 9
T h e next step 2 9 1
T h e solution through dissolution 2 9 2
S h o c k and dread 2 9 3
Pity and forgetting 2 9 4
Seeing and hearing 2 9 5
Identical guilt has identical consequences 2 9 6
Objections impede the solution 2 9 6
Insight and action 2 9 6
Inherited children 2 9 8
A father agreed to the adoption of his illegitimate
daughter by her mother's second husband 2 9 9
Story: Heaven and earth 3 0 6
Systemic Conditions of Illness and Health
From a Seminar for People with Serious Illnesses,
and Their Doctors and Therapists, Held During an
International Conference on Medicine and Religion
I N T R O D U C T O R Y L E C T U R E :
B E L I E F S T H A T C O N T R I B U T E T O I L L N E S S
A N D D I S E N C H A N T M E N T T H A T H E A L S
T h e fellowship of fate
Family loyalty and its consequences
311
3 1 1

11. Contents X l l l
T h e longing for balance 3 1 2
Illness follows the desires of the heart 3 1 2
"Better me than you" 3 1 3
Enlightened love 3 1 6
"I will go instead of y o u " 317
"Even if you go, I will stay" 3 1 7
"I will follow you" 3 1 8
"I will go on living for a little while" 3 1 8
Beliefs that cause illness 3 1 9
Love that heals 3 2 0
Story: Faith and love 3 2 0
Illness as atonement 321
Compensation through atonement is misfortune doubled 321
Healing ways of compensation 3 2 2
Reconciliation is better than atonement 3 2 3
Illness as an attempt to atone for someone else 3 2 3
Illness as a result of refusing to honor one's parents 3 2 4
To honor one's parents is to honor the earth 3 2 4
Story: Absence and presence 3 2 4
THE SEMINAR
" I will follow y o u " 3 2 7
A m o t h e r follows h e r h a n d i c a p p e d child i n t o d e a t h 337
D y i n g is preferable to b o w i n g to one's father 3 4 9
L a t e r c o n s e q u e n c e s of poliomyelitis a n d a difficult
p r e g n a n c y a n d birth 357
Identification w i t h a m e m b e r o f the opposite sex 3 6 6
Identification with a person of the opposite sex in homosexual
love and psychosis 3 7 0
Deciding in favor of the father over the mother's lover 371
Knowledge must engender action 3 7 2
" B e t t e r m e than y o u " 3 7 2
Family constellations work through the inner picture 3 8 3

12. X I V Contents
" T h e right thing" 3 8 3
Family constellations using symbols 3 8 4
O n e b r o t h e r died s o o n after b i r t h , a n d t h e o t h e r
c o m m i t t e d suicide 3 8 5
Suicide out o f motives o f love 3 9 2
Blaming someone else as a defense against pain 3 9 2
Refusal to answer a question 3 9 2
Procedure in family constellations
W h e n a mother has committed suicide 3 9 3
W h e n does the client enter the group? 3 9 3
H o w close may dead people stand to living persons? 3 9 4
H e r o i n - a d d i c t e d d a u g h t e r : the m a l e e l e m e n t i s m i s s i n g
i n the f a m i l y 3 9 4
Children follow their father just as their mother follows
her husband 4 0 1
N o c o n s i d e r a t i o n f o r m e n 4 0 6
T h e priority of the present over the past 4 1 1
F o r m e r partners are represented later on by children 4 1 1
Illegitimate children born in a marriage 4 1 2
Abortion is none of the children's business 4 1 3
W h a t happens when there is no solution? 4 1 4
A s o n h a s a serious a c c i d e n t : "I will go i n s t e a d of y o u ,
D a d d y d e a r " 4 1 5
A n a n o r e c t i c girl: "I'll g o i n s t e a d o f y o u , D a d d y d e a r " 4 2 0
Bouts of overeating with subsequent vomiting 4 2 5
In harmony with a higher providence and grace 4 2 6
Story: Knowledge and wisdom 427
Answers to Questions from a Friend
T h e systemic dimension of problems and destinies 4 3 3
Teachers and influences 4 3 5
Family constellations 4 3 8

13. Contents x v
Seeing 4 4 0
Reservations about "seeing" 4 4 0
T h e hypnotherapy o f Milton Erickson 4 4 1
Stories 4 4 1
Personal experience 4 4 2
Insights 4 4 3
Love 4 4 3
Balance and compensation 4 4 4
T h e equal right to belong 4 4 5
Causes of illness and healing in families 4 4 6
Important procedures 4 4 6
Taking the lead 4 4 7
G o i n g to the limits 4 4 7
Trusting reality, even when it is shocking 4 4 8
Stopping clients from describing problems 4 5 0
Going with the energy 4 5 1
W o r k i n g with a m i n i m u m 4 5 1
Interruptions in the work 4 5 2
Guarding against curiosity 4 5 2
N o verification o f success 4 5 3
T h e present m o m e n t counts 4 5 4
Index 4 5 7

14. P r e f a c e
This book is about the natural laws constraining love in human relation-
ships. T h e blind, innocent love of children is more instructive and often
leads us astray. Love succeeds only when we understand these natural laws
and align ourselves with them. W h e n love comes to understand and follow
these laws, it becomes the fulfillment of our longing. This knowing love
has a healing and gratifying effect on us, and on those around us.
This book consists of verbatim transcripts of three therapeutic workshops,
parts of which have been condensed.
The first workshop, on entanglements and their resolution, was an advanced
training course for helping professionals; it is reproduced here virtually in
its entirety.
This workshop introduces the reader to the technique of setting up fami-
ly constellations, illustrates how people sometimes become entangled in the
fates of other members of their family, and describes the consequences of
such entanglements.
It documents how the fate of an excluded family member can be un-
knowingly taken over and continued by a later member of the family. This
unknowing repetition of another's fate is what is meant by entanglement.
This workshop also documents some possibilities for the resolution of
entanglements. It shows how, when the excluded member is accorded due
honor and respect, the wholeness of the family system is restored and love
obviates the necessity for the repetition of his or her fate by a later member
of the family. This is what is meant by the resolution.
Readers will find here evidence for the natural laws of love operating in
human relationship systems. Entanglements arise when we love innocently
and are blindly obedient to these laws. T h e n it can happen that innocent
"children" must atone for the guilt of "adults." Resolution is possible when
our love becomes "knowing," when we align ourselves with the natural
laws of love with wisdom. T h e n our need for loyalty and the equality of
all family members brings healing and fulfillment.
The second workshop was for family therapists. A selection from this work-
shop demonstrates where abandoned and adopted children belong, what

15. XV111
happens when parents give a child up for adoption frivolously, or when a
child is adopted by strangers acting in their own self-interest.
The third workshop was for seriously ill people and their doctors and thera-
pists. It took place at a large conference on religion and medicine. T h e
constellations from this workshop shed light on systemic dynamics associ-
ated with illness, serious accidents, and suicide in the fellowship of fate
among members of the family. It shows how resources for healing can be
mobilized, how irreversible fate can be faced and accepted, and h o w such
destinies can sometimes be changed for the better.
This book fulfills several purposes.
First, the verbatim transcriptions of three therapeutic workshops enable
the reader to participate in the step-by-step search for resolution to prob-
lems. Hopefully, this participation by proxy may also help the reader to
find ways of overcoming personal crises and of obtaining healing in the
case of systemic and psychologically caused illness.
Second, the book contains demonstrations and explanations of important
therapeutic procedures, mainly in the context of family constellations, and
also in connection with the resumption and completion of a previously in-
terrupted movement by a young child toward the mother or father.
Third, readers interested in understanding the inner posture that underlies
this work may experience how liberating and healing insights are the result
of a specific focused approach to knowing, which I have called phenome-
nological psychotherapy. This posture is described in detail.
T h e names of the participants and places have been changed and their
identities concealed. T h e text is accompanied by diagrams of all the stages
of the family constellations. T h e therapeutic procedures and recurring pat-
terns are described and explained in intermediary chapters, and stories rele-
vant to the therapeutic process are interspersed.
T h e interview at the end of the book ("Answers to Questions from a
Friend") is included in the hope that it will enhance the understanding of
my work. It includes information about the different stages of my thera-
peutic development and helps to explain the insights and intentions behind
important procedures.
Love's Own Truths has become a fundamental statement of my approach,
which goes far beyond conventional psychotherapy and which has proved
to be of practical help to many different people in their daily lives.
I hope that you enjoy reading this material, and that you gain helpful

16. Preface x i x
insights into "Love's O w n Truths." I wish, too, that y o u will c o m e to trust
your o w n perception of your alignment with these natural laws of love
with understanding so that you may fulfill your heart's desire.
Bert Hellinger

17. Acknowledgments
This b o o k has taken a long and arduous journey from its inception to its
publication in English. I should like to thank my many friends for their
help and advice. Dr. Gunthard W e b e r and Dr. Norbert Linz accompanied
me through all the stages of writing this b o o k and were not content until
I had arranged and presented the abundant data in a clear form.
I am grateful to Professor Michael Angermaier and Heinrich Breuer for
their help in collecting the data. T h e y also organized the first course
described in this b o o k and recorded it on video. T h e second course was
recorded by Friedrich Fehlinger, and the third by Verena Nitschke.
T h e final editing of the German edition was carried out by Dr. Norbert
Linz. He also conducted the interview "Answers to Questions from a
Friend," which appears at the end of the book. My sincere thanks go to all
these helpers.
T h e English translation was the work of Maureen Oberli-Turner, a diffi-
cult task because there were no English equivalents for many of the c o n -
cepts described in the German text. Maureen Oberli-Turner nevertheless
managed to produce a clear, readable English text, and I thank her warmly
for her valuable work.
Suzi T u c k e r , my editor at Zeig, T u c k e r & Theisen, painstakingly worked
her way through the manuscript, making countless suggestions for i m -
provement and correction. Her clear eye and deft editorial hand brought
n e w life to a dangerously moribund project.
Hunter B e a u m o n t has been closely involved with the transition of my
work into English from the beginning. O u r discussions have brought clari-
ty, differentiation, and greater precision to my writing, and have proved a
valuable impetus for the further development of my work. He has also
given generously of his o w n insights and formulations. In a sense, he has
collaborated with me in presenting my work in English. He has completely
reworked this manuscript, and it has gained much from his efforts.

18. I N S I G H T
T H R O U G H
R E S T R A I N T
Excerpts from a Lecture on
Alternative Approaches to Healing

19. I'll start by telling you a story.
Helping revelations
A young man seeking further knowledge sets out on his bicycle into the country-
side. He is driven by the joy of exploration, and his enthusiasm knows no
bounds. Far beyond his usual territory, he finds a new path. Here there are no
more signs to guide him, and he must rely on what his eye can see and what
his stride can measure. Now what was only an intuition becomes experience.
His path ends at a wide river and he gets off his bicycle. He sees that pro-
ceeding will require leaving everything he has on the riverbank, quitting the
safety of solid ground, putting himself in the hands of a force that is stronger
than he is and allowing himself to be overpowered and swept along. He hesi-
tates, and then retreats.
This is his first revelation.
Riding home, he admits to himself that he understands very little that could
be helpful to others, and even that little he knows, he could scarcely communi-
cate. He imagines himself to be a bicycle rider following another whose fender
is rattling. He imagines calling out, "Hey, your fender's rattling!" The other
answers "What?" He imagines yelling louder, "Your fender's rattling!" The
other answers, "I can't hear you. My fender's rattling."
He realizes, "He didn't need my help at all!"
This is his second revelation.
A short time later, he asks an old teacher, "How do you manage to help
others? Many come to you asking for advice, and they leave feeling better even
though you know little of their affairs?"
The teacher answers, "When someone loses courage and doesn't want to go
on, the problem is seldom lack of knowledge but rather wanting safety when
courage is called for and seeking freedom where necessity leaves no choice. And
so he goes in circles. A teacher resists appearance and illusion. He finds his cen-
ter and waits for a helpful word, as a ship with sails raised waits to catch the
wind. When someone comes seeking help, the teacher is waiting where the visi-
tor himself must go, and if an answer comes, it comes for both of them, for both
are listeners."
And then the teacher adds, "Waiting at the center is light."
1

20. Scientific and phenomenological paths of discovery
There are two inner movements that lead to insight. One reaches out,
wanting to understand and to control the as yet unknown. This is scientific
inquiry. We know how profoundly it has transformed and enriched our
lives and enhanced our well-being.
The second movement happens when we pause in our efforts to grasp
the unknown, allowing our attention to rest, not on the particulars, which
we can define, but on the greater whole. Here, our view is wide, open to
receive the infinite complexity around us. When we affirm this inner
movement, for example, when presented with a landscape, task, or prob-
lem, then we notice how our mind's eye is simultaneously enriched and
emptied. We can tolerate such richness only when we restrain our interest
in individual things. We pause in the movement of reaching out, pull back
a bit, until we arrive at the inner stillness that is competent to deal with the
vastness and complexity of the greater whole.
This inquiry, which first orients itself in inwardness and restraint, I call
phenomenological. It leads to different insights than the inquiry that active-
ly reaches out. Still, the two movements complement one another. Even
in an actively reaching out, scientific inquiry, we occasionally need to shift
our attention from the narrow to the broad and from what is close at hand
to the larger context. And similarly, insights gained by phenomenological
inquiry must be tested in their specifics.
The procedure
In phenomenological inquiry, we expose ourselves to a broad spectrum of
appearances without choosing between them or preferring one to the
other. This kind of investigation demands of us not only that we empty
ourselves of previously held conceptions, but also that we let go of our
preferences in relation to all inner movements, be they feelings, intentions,
or preferences. Our attention is simultaneously directed and undirected,
both focused and devoid of focus.
The phenomenological posture draws us tight and restrains us from ac-
tion. In this tension, we become utterly incapable of perception, and yet
prepared to perceive. Whoever endures the tension experiences, after a
while, that the diversity in the spectrum of appearances clusters around a
center, and suddenly recognizes connections, perhaps a system, a truth, or
the next step to take. Such insight comes to us and is experienced as a gift,
although it has, as a rule, its limits.
2

21. R e s t r a i n t
T h e first condition for insight experienced in this way is the absence of in-
tention. O u r intentions force our personal views onto reality, perhaps seek-
ing to change it according to our preconceived concepts, or to influence
others or to convince them. Having intentions, we act as if we were su-
perior to reality, as if reality were an object of our scrutiny, rather than the
reverse, that reality scrutinizes us. This makes clear what we restrain w h e n
we forego intentions, even good intentions. As if we had a choice, for e x -
perience shows that what we do with the best of intentions often goes
amiss. Intent is no substitute for insight.
C o u r a g e
T h e second condition for insight experienced in this way is the absence of
fear. We wear blinders when we fear what reality may bring to light.
W h e n we fear what others may think or say when we report what we see,
we close ourselves to further observation. And a therapist w h o is afraid to
confront a client's reality, for example, the fact that the client does not
have long to live, is not up to dealing with his client's reality and is appro-
priately mistrusted or even feared by his client.
R e s o n a n c e
Freedom from fear and from intention make possible resonance with reality
as it is, even with its fearful, overwhelming, and terrible side. This freedom
allows a therapist to be in harmony with good and ill fortune, guilt and
innocence, illness and health, life and death. And precisely through this
resonance, the therapist gains insight and strength to face difficulties, and
occasionally to bring adversity into harmony with reality. Here is another
story:
A disciple asked his teacher, "Tell me what freedom is."
"Which freedom?" asked the teacher.
"The first freedom is foolishness. That's like a horse that throws its rider
with a triumphant whinny, only to feel the saddle girth pulled tighter.
"The second freedom is remorse. Remorse is like the helmsman who goes
down with the ship after he has sailed it onto a reef, rather than seek safety in
the lifeboat with the others.
3

22. "The third freedom is insight. Insight comes, alas, only after foolishness and
remorse. It's like a shaft of wheat that bends in the wind, and because it bends
where it's weak, endures."
The disciple asked, "Is that all?"
The teacher said, "Many think they're seeking the truth of their own soul,
but it's the Greater Soul that thinks and seeks in them. Like nature, it toler-
ates many deviations, but replaces with ease those who dare to violate its truth.
But to those who allow it to think in them, it allows in turn a little freedom,
helping them like a river helps a swimmer cross to the other shore if he sur-
renders to the current, and allows himself to be swept along."
Philosophical phenomenology and conscience
Philosophical p h e n o m e n o l o g y is concerned with k n o w i n g the essential in
the fullness of the phenomenal world. I may k n o w the essential by c o m -
pletely and fully opening my being and exposing it to the abundance of the
p h e n o m e n a l world. T h e n , what is essential eventually flashes out of the
u n k n o w n like a lightning bolt, and it illuminates far b e y o n d what I could
have logically deduced from k n o w n premises and concepts. Nevertheless,
such insights are never complete. T h e y remain swathed in the u n k n o w n ,
just as every Is by Not-Is.
I gained insight into the essential aspects of conscience through phe-
nomenological inquiry. F o r example, I had the insight that a family system
has a sense of balance, w h i c h helps me to feel whether or not I am in har-
m o n y with it, and if what I do endangers my membership. T h u s , in this
context, " g o o d conscience" only means that I still remain a m e m b e r of my
group, and "bad conscience" only means that my membership is endan-
gered. If we look phenomenologically, we see that conscience has little to
do with universal laws and truths, but rather is relative and changes from
group to group.
In a similar way, I came to understand that conscience reacts in a very
different way w h e n it has to do, not with belonging, but with a balance of
giving and taking, and differently yet again w h e n it guards the roles and
functions that shape my life together with others.
B u t even more important is the difference between the conscience we
feel and the conscience that works in our lives even though we are un-
aware of it. This conscience reveals itself in the fact that w h e n we o b e y the
conscience we feel, we injure the conscience we do not feel, and although
we feel guilt-free, the unfelt conscience sets consequences upon our a c -

23. tions. T h e tension between these two forms of conscience is the basis of
every tragedy, especially in families. It is behind painful entanglements,
which sometimes lead to illness, accidents, and suicide. This tension is also
the force behind many painful failures of relationship, when partnerships
end in acrimony in spite of deep love.
P s y c h o t h e r a p e u t i c p h e n o m e n o l o g y
These insights were not achieved through philosophical perception and the
application of phenomenological epistemology alone. T h e y required an-
other approach, which I call understanding through participation. This path
to insight is possible in family constellations when they are held with a
phenomenological attitude.
In a family constellation, a client chooses participants in the group at
random to represent important family members, for example, for mother,
father, and siblings. T h e client then places the representatives in spatial rela-
tionship to one another. Through the constellation, hidden and surprising
family dynamics suddenly may come to light. This means that the process
of setting up a family constellation brings clients into contact with infor-
mation that was previously hidden. For example, a colleague recently told
about a constellation in which a representative's reaction clearly suggested
that the client was identified with her father's early lover. T h e client asked
her father and other relatives, but no one remembered a lover. Several
weeks later, the client's father received a letter from Russia. A woman
there who, during the war, had been the love of his life, had searched for
his address for years, and finally with the new openness between Russia
and Europe, had succeeded in finding him.
But that is only one side of the story, the client's side. T h e other side is
that, as soon as they are placed in a constellation, representatives feel as the
persons they represent felt. Sometimes, they even feel their physical symp-
toms. Some representatives have even known the person's name. Such
things happen, even when the representatives know nothing about the per-
sons they represent except their relationship to the client. These experi-
ences in family constellations suggest that clients and their family members
are connected to one another within a field of information that affects
them by virtue of their presence in the field. And what is even more extra-
ordinary, strangers who are placed as representatives in this field can also
be connected to the family's reality.
This is also true for therapists. T h e proviso is that therapists, representa-
5

24. tives, and clients be prepared to expose themselves to this knowing field
without intention, without fear, and without the need to interpret their
experiences in terms of previous theories and beliefs, and to consent to
whatever emerges just as it is. This is the phenomenological posture applied
to psychotherapy. Here, too, insight is w o n through restraint, through re-
straining intention and fear, and through consenting to reality as it is.
W i t h o u t this phenomenological posture, that is, without consenting to
whatever emerges, without exaggeration, cosmetic minimalization, or inter-
pretation, family constellations remain superficial and can easily lead to false
conclusions. At best, they have little power.
T h e soul
E v e n more astonishing than the understanding that comes through partici-
pation in the knowing field, or what I prefer to call the soul that extends
beyond and guides the individual, is the observation that this field actively
seeks and finds resolutions. These resolutions go far beyond what we could
achieve with analytic thought, and they have effects far beyond what we
could achieve with well-planned action. This becomes clear in those c o n -
stellations in which the therapist practices utmost restraint For example,
w h e n a therapist places the essential persons in the constellation, and then,
without giving them any instructions, entrusts them to an irresistible force,
which moves them as if from outside, and which leads to insights and e x -
periences that otherwise would have been impossible.
For example, at the end of a recent constellation in Switzerland, a man
told that he was Jewish. I added seven representatives for victims of the
Holocaust to the constellation, with seven representatives for their murder-
ers standing behind them. For the next quarter of an hour, in complete si-
lence, an unbelievable process developed between the victims and the mur-
derers that made clear that dying is a process that seeks completion long
after physical death. Dying is complete when victims and perpetrators j o i n
in death and k n o w themselves to be equally vulnerable to forces beyond
their control, and when, in the end, they experience themselves at rest in
the care of those forces.
R e l i g i o u s p h e n o m e n o l o g y
Here the levels of philosophic and psychotherapeutic phenomenology are
replaced by a more encompassing one in which we experience ourselves
6

25. to be at the mercy of a greater whole. We recognize this greater whole as
being ultimate and final. We could call this level religious or spiritual, but
even here, I remain in the phenomenological posture, without intention,
without fear, without preferences, pure in the presence of whatever comes.
I will describe what this means for religious insight and religious fulfillment
in a final story. It is called:
Turning back
A man is born into his country, into his culture, into his family. Even as a
child, stories enchant him about the one who was their prophet and lord, and
he deeply longs to become like his ideal. He enters a long period of training
until he is fully identified with his ideal, until he thinks and speaks and acts
like him.
But one last thing, he thinks, is missing. And so he sets out on a long jour-
ney into the most secluded loneliness where he hopes to cross the final barrier.
On his way, he passes old gardens, long abandoned. Wild roses still bloom un-
seen, and the fruit that tall trees bear each year falls unnoticed to the earth. No
one is there to gather it.
He walks on.
He reaches the edge of the desert.
Soon he is surrounded by an unknown emptiness. He realizes that in this
desert, he could choose any direction he might wish — the emptiness remains
the same. He sees that the great loneliness of this place has emptied all illusions
in his mind's eye that would have led him onto any particular path.
And so he wanders on just where chance takes him, until one day, long after
he has stopped trusting his senses, he is surprised to see water in front of him,
bubbling out of the earth. He watches it flow a little way until the desert sands
soak it up again, but as far as the water reaches, the desert blooms like
paradise.
Still deep in wonder, he looks around and sees afar two strangers drawing
near. They too have done what he had done. Each of them had followed his
prophet and lord until he had become almost identical with him. They too set
cut as he had done into the desert wastes, hoping to cross the final barrier. And
they too at last had reached that spring.
Then the three of them bend down together to drink the same water, and
each feels his goal to be within his reach. Then they reveal their names, "I have
become Gautama, the Buddha." "I have become Jesus, the Christ." "I have
become Mohammed, the Prophet."
7

26. At last the night descends upon them, and they see the heavens Jill with
shining stars, as silent and as utterly remote as ever. They are struck dumb,
and one of them senses for a moment how his lord must have felt as he came
to know the impotence, the futility, and the submission — and he senses too
how he must have felt as he understood the inescapability of his guilt.
He knows he has gone too far. So he waits for dawn, and he turns home-
ward, and eventually escapes the desert. Once again he passes the abandoned
gardens until at last he stops before that garden he knows to be his own. An
old man is standing by the gate, as if awaiting him. He says, a
If someone has
found his way home from as far away as you have done, he loves the moist and
fertile earth. He knows that all that grows will die and in dying nourishes what
lives."
The wanderer replies, "Now I follow the laws of the earth." Then he begins
to husband his garden with care.
8

27. E N T A N G L E M E N T S
A N D
T H E I R R E S O L U T I O N
From an Advanced Training Course
for Helping Professionals

28. T H E F I R S T D A Y
T h e o p e n i n g r o u n d
HELLINGER: W e l c o m e to the workshop. I'd like to begin by asking each
of you in turn to introduce yourself by telling me and the group:
• your name
• your profession
• your family situation
• and something about the problem you want to work on during this
workshop.
We will start looking for solutions to problems as soon as they present
themselves, and we will witness the effects of each step on the persons
concerned. If you have any questions about the procedure, the results,
or the basic principles of the work, I will do my best to answer them.
A d o p t i o n is risky
CARL: My name is Carl. I live with my wife and our young adopted son.
We have two children of our own, 26 and 32 years old, w h o no longer
live at home. We also have three foster daughters w h o are n o w in their
late 20s or early 30s. O u r adopted son is the son of one of our foster
daughters. I'm a pastoral counselor, and I work with handicapped chil-
dren and their families. Last year you made me aware that my work, up
until then, had not been particularly effective because I had tended to see
the young people primarily either in terms of their handicaps or as iso-
lated individuals. I n o w realize that it is virtually impossible to help a
child unless the family is aware of the problem and you work with the
family as well.
HELLINGER: M a y b e you should annul the adoption. Have you considered
that?
CARL: Annul the adoption?
HELLINGER: M a y b e that's what you need to do.
CARL: I can't imagine doing that.
HELLINGER: Y o u have no right to claim the child as your own. Adoption
is a dangerous business. I've often seen that people w h o adopt a child
without a really pressing reason pay dearly for it, either by losing a child
11

29. of their o w n or by losing the partner. It's as if they sacrifice them as
compensation.
W h o wanted the adoption?
CARL: My wife and I both did.
HELLINGER: W h y isn't the child with his mother?
CARL: His mother came to us with her 4-month-old child and left him in
our care because she wanted to live with some friends.
HELLINGER: That's peculiar. It would have been a service to take on the
child as a foster son, but I'm not sure whose needs are met by the
adoption. T h e child's needs would have been met with a good foster
h o m e , so maybe the adoption is carrying things too far.
CARL: I find that difficult to understand at the moment, particularly since
the child can continue his relationship with his mother just as it was
before the adoption.
HELLINGER: His relationship with his mother can't be the same as it was
before you adopted him because you've relieved his mother of her re-
sponsibilities, and his father too. W h a t about him, by the way?
CARL: His father is Turkish and is n o w living with his second wife, w h o
is also Turkish. He has other children with her and has broken off the
relationship with this child.
HELLINGER: W h y can't the child go to his father? Are you afraid he will
b e c o m e a Muslim? He should!
CARL: He can as far as I am concerned.
HELLINGER: T h a t definitely needs to be cleared up, why he can't go to his
father. A good place for a boy is with his father.
CARL: I must think about it.
HELLINGER: Do you k n o w what happens w h e n you "think about it"? It's
like the priest w h o said when he had finished his spiritual exercises:
" D a m n it, after these exercises, it always takes me six weeks to get back
into the rut."*
R u l e s o f i n v o l v e m e n t
BRIGITTE: My name is Brigitte. I am a psychologist in private practice. I
have four daughters from my first marriage. I divorced my first husband,
* This intervention may seem abrupt, but I was reacting to nonverbal cues that hinted at Carl's
ambivalence, and his reaction later confirmed my intuition (see page 62). This is a good
example of how knowledge of the conditions love requires helps to orient a therapist trying
to understand the complexity of a client's communication.
12

30. w h o later died. I married again, and I have two stepdaughters from this
marriage even though I keep my husband at a distance because I feel he
drains my energy. I'm here to learn without exerting myself unduly.
HELLINGER: T h e two aims are mutually exclusive. W h a t do y o u really
want?
BRIGITTE: I don't feel I could bear to get too deeply involved at the
m o m e n t .
HELLINGER: It's dangerous for anyone to take part in a workshop like this
w h o is not ready to face up to the risk of personal involvement. It also
inhibits intimacy for the others in the group. So I must warn you, it's
not possible to take part in the w o r k we do here merely as an observer.
BRIGITTE: That's not what I meant. B u t it's a very big group, and some
of my students are a m o n g the participants. That's w h y I w o u l d like to
keep a rather l o w profile. B u t I ' m prepared to do what's required in
order to participate.
HELLINGER: I've told you the conditions for being here, and you have
understood them. B u t I would still like to tell you a story.
More or less
A professor of psychology in America sent for one of his students, gave him a
dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill, and said: "Go into the waiting room. You
will see two men sitting there. Give one of them the dollar and the other the
hundred dollars." The student thought to himself, "Another of his crazy
ideas!," but he took the money, went into the waiting room, and gave one of
the men sitting there the dollar bill and the other the hundred. What he didn't
know, however, was that the professor had already secretly told one of the men:
"In a few minutes, someone will come and give you a hundred dollars," and
the other: "In a few minutes, someone will come and give you one dollar." As
luck would have it, the student gave the dollar bill to the man who had ex-
pected a dollar, and the hundred dollar bill to the man who had expected a
hundred.
HELLINGER with a grin: Strange. N o w I'm wondering w h y I told that story.
T h e d o u b l e d i s p l a c e m e n t
CLAUDIA: My name is Claudia. I ' m a psychologist, and I w o r k as a psy-
chotherapist and as an expert witness on family affairs in legal cases. I also
13

31. give courses for people whose driving licenses have been revoked and
w h o have been ordered by the courts to undergo counseling in order to
get them back. I'm divorced, and I'm rather embarrassed about this b e -
cause I was married for only six months. I don't really consider myself
to have been either married or divorced.
HELLINGER: Y o u were married, you can't escape that fact. Have you any
children?
CLAUDIA: N o , no children.
HELLINGER: W h y did you get divorced?
CLAUDIA: Because it was dreadful. We hadn't k n o w n each other very
long, and we decided comparatively quickly to get married, and then I
felt it was terrible.
HELLINGER: Y o u felt it was terrible? W h a t about your husband?
CLAUDIA: I did my best to make it terrible for him too.
HELLINGER: And which angry woman from your family system were you
imitating?
CLAUDIA: My mother, definitely.
HELLINGER: Let's look for someone else. T h e question is: W h i c h w o m a n
in your family of origin was justifiably angry with a man? W h e n s o m e -
thing like you have described happens, the dynamics of a double dis-
placement are often at the bottom of it. Do you k n o w what that is?
CLAUDIA: N o .
HELLINGER: I'll give you an example. During a course given by Jirina
Prekop in which she was demonstrating "holding therapy," a w o m a n felt
an irrational hatred of her husband. Jirina instructed the couple to hold
each other closely. Suddenly the woman's face changed and she became
furious with her husband.
I said to Jirina: " L o o k h o w her face has changed. Y o u can tell with
w h o m she is identified from her expression." She had suddenly taken on
the appearance of an 80-year-old woman (she herself was only 3 5 ) . T h e n
I said to the woman: "Pay attention to the expression on your face! W h o
had a face like that?" She replied: " M y grandmother." " W h a t happened
to your grandmother?" I asked. " S h e ran a restaurant, and my grandfather
used to drag her around by her hair in front of all the patrons. And she
put up with it."
Can you imagine h o w the grandmother really felt? She was furious
with her husband but she didn't express it, and n o w her granddaughter
had taken over her repressed anger. That was a displacement of the sub-
j e c t , from the grandmother to the granddaughter. B u t instead of making
her grandfather the target of her anger, she took it out on her husband.
14

32. This was a displacement of the object, from the grandfather to the hus-
band. It was a less dangerous outlet for this woman because her husband
loved her enough to tolerate it. That's what's known as a double dis-
placement. But neither she nor her husband was aware of what was really
going on.
Did anything like that happen in your family?
CLAUDIA: I don't know.
HELLINGER: If something similar did happen, you would owe your hus-
band a lot.
CLAUDIA: Hmm.
HELLINGER: Exactly.
Claudia laughs.
HELLINGER: Did that strike home?
CLAUDIA: Not really. But I was just thinking that I'm glad my husband's
okay.
HELLINGER: That's what happens when you feel guilty. But we'll have to
find out if what I have said is true when we work in more detail. At the
moment, it's just a hunch.
T h e f i r s t w o m a n
GERTRUDE: My name is Gertrude. I am a doctor in general practice. I'm
single, and I have a son who is nearly 19.
HELLINGER: What about his father?
GERTRUDE: My son hasn't seen him for about five years.
HELLINGER: What is his father's situation?
GERTRUDE: He's married and they have three children. About five years
ago, he had a daughter by another woman. But that's their problem. I
haven't spoken to him for five years.
HELLINGER: Was he married when you got to know him?
GERTRUDE: He's been married three times. He was married when we
became close, I think it was for the second time. They were at the point
of getting divorced. Actually, we had been together at school, but then
we went our separate ways. He went to live in in another city, and he
got married there. The second time he married as a favor, to make it
possible for the woman to get out of Hungary. Then he divorced her
and married for the third time.
HELLINGER: You cannot marry someone as a favor without its having
consequences. Did you have an intimate relationship with him before he
married for the first time?
15

33. G E R T R U D E : Y e s .
H E L L I N G E R : T h e n y o u are his first w o m a n . Y o u have priority over all the
others. Isn't that a g o o d feeling?
G E R T R U D E : Y e s , but it's difficult.
H E L L I N G E R : W h a t ' s so difficult about it?
G E R T R U D E : I don't care about it. N o t any m o r e .
H E L L I N G E R : B e i n g the first doesn't depend o n feelings.
G E R T R U D E : O h ?
H E L L I N G E R : It's a fact that exists independently o f feelings.
Happiness needs courage
H E L L I N G E R : I'll tell y o u something about happiness. Often, happiness
seems dangerous because it tends to make people lonely. T h e same is
true of solutions to problems. Solutions are often experienced as danger-
ous because they may make people lonely, whereas problems and unhap-
piness seem to attract company. Problems and unhappiness often attach
themselves to feelings of i n n o c e n c e and loyalty, whereas solutions and
happiness are often associated with feelings of betrayal and guilt. N o t that
such feelings of guilt are reasonable, but they are experienced as betrayal
and guilt all the same. That's w h y the transition from the problem to the
solution is so difficult. B u t if what I've said to you just n o w is true, and
if y o u accept it as such, you'll have to change your w h o l e orientation.
A S O N ' S U N C O N S C I O U S I D E N T I F I C A T I O N W I T H HIS
M O T H E R ' S F A V O R I T E B R O T H E R
H A R R Y : I am trying to get used to this concentration on family relation-
ships. My name is Harry. I am a management consultant, and I'm also
w o r k i n g on a dissertation on the philosophy of religion. I live alone. I
have t w o daughters from my first marriage. I did marry a second time,
but I've b e e n separated from my second wife for the past seven years.
W e ' r e still married and my wife and I m e e t o n c e a year. My daughters
are 30 and 27 years old.
H E L L I N G E R : A n d what do y o u want to achieve here?
H A R R Y : I'd like to gain some insight into h o w involved I should get in
human relationships of any kind. I have b e c o m e very m u c h of a loner,
and I have the feeling that I am missing something because of it. I have
a great surplus of love and I don't k n o w what to do with it.
16

34. HELLINGER: W e ' l l set up your family of origin. Have y o u ever set up a
family constellation, and do you k n o w h o w it is done?
H A R R Y : N o t according to any particular scheme, but I've thought out a
sort o f framework.
HELLINGER: W h e n people think out a framework like y o u have, it only
serves as a defense, and so does most of what they tell a therapist about
their problems. It only starts to be serious w h e n they actually set up their
constellation. O k a y , w h o could represent your father?
H A R R Y : R o b e r t could, because . . .
HELLINGER: Y o u don't have to explain y o u r reasons for choosing s o m e -
one. H o w many siblings have you?
HARRY: T w o , and one half sister. B u t I didn't g r o w up with my half
sister.
HELLINGER: W h o s e child was she?
H A R R Y : M y father's.
HELLINGER: W a s he married before?
H A R R Y : N o , afterward. He married again after the divorce, and then my
half sister was born. My m o t h e r did not marry again.
HELLINGER: W h o is your parents' first child?
HARRY: I am.
HELLINGER: W a s either of your parents previously married or engaged or
involved in a close relationship?
H A R R Y : N o . B u t m y m o t h e r would have preferred another man, w h o
then b e c a m e my godfather.
HELLINGER: W e ' l l need him. Is there anyone else important?
H A R R Y : My mother's brother is extremely important.
HELLINGER: W h a t happened with him?
H A R R Y : My m o t h e r really wanted to live with him, and she tried to
model me after him.
HELLINGER: Is he a minister or something of that sort?
H A R R Y : N o . He was a famous actor.
HELLINGER: Y o u r m o t h e r wanted to live with him?
H A R R Y : Y e s . S h e really preferred him to my father.
HELLINGER: W e ' l l go into that later on. First of all, we'll set up a family
constellation with your father, your mother, your siblings, y o u r father's
second wife, your half sister, and the man w h o m your m o t h e r w o u l d
have preferred. C h o o s e s o m e o n e from the group to represent each per-
son: m e n for m e n or boys, w o m e n for w o m e n or girls. T h e n place t h e m
in relationship to each other according to what feels right to y o u at the
m o m e n t . Put your m o t h e r at the correct distance from y o u r father, for
17

35. example, and turn her to face the way you feel is right. Do it without
talking, from your center and in contact with your feelings at the m o -
ment, otherwise it w o n ' t work.
Harry sets up the constellation of his family of origin.
HELLINGER: N o w walk around the constellation and make any corrections
that m a y be necessary. T h e n sit down where you have a g o o d v i e w of
the constellation.
In the following graphics, males are represented by squares, and females by circles, for example:
18
The symbols for the persons who are setting up the constellation or for whom
the constellation is being set up are shaded, and their identifications in the leg-
end are printed in hold type. The notches show the directions in which the per-
sons are facing.
Where not otherwise noted, the subsequent questions are addressed to the rep-
resentatives of the persons in the constellations, who also answer in the roles of
the persons they are representing.
For unknown reasons, representatives often experience strong physical and
emotional reactions in constellations that they feel to be connected to the persons
they represent. Tliose reactions guide the work, and when they lead to good
resolutions for the client, we assume that the reactions do reflect to some degree
the hidden family dynamics. It is important not to make assumptions about the
reactions beyond their ability to facilitate resolution.

36. Diagram 1
F Father
M Mother
1 First child, a son (= Harry)
2 Second child, a daughter
3 Third child, a son
2W Father's second wife
4 Fourth child, daughter of the husband's second marriage
MPP Mother's preferred partner
HELLINGER: H o w is the father feeling?
FATHER: I feel very isolated here. My previous family is far away, and
there is something behind me that I can't see.
HELLINGER: H o w is the m o t h e r feeling?
M O T H E R : I have contact with my former husband. B e f o r e that I felt para-
lyzed, turned in on myself.
HELLINGER: H o w are y o u feeling now?
M O T H E R : I feel helpless. Incapable of action.
HELLINGER: A n d what do y o u feel about the other man, Harry's g o d -
father?
M O T H E R : He is standing behind m e , but he's also breathing d o w n my
neck. I have m i x e d feelings about him.
MOTHER'S PREFERRED PARTNER: I also have m i x e d feelings. I am at-
tracted to her and I like her, and I have a relationship with her. B u t I
19

37. don't feel it's g o o d within this framework. I feel rigid and incapable of
moving.
HELLINGER: H o w do the others feel?
FIRST CHILD: W h e n I was put here, I had the feeling that s o m e o n e was
going to grab me, strangely enough, by my calves. T h e r e was a feeling
of warmth. It also feels as if a dog might be going to bite m e . It's a warm
feeling, but dangerous as well. T h e r e ' s a certain warmth going out from
me toward my father, but it doesn't seem to reach him. I have virtually
no contact with my siblings behind m e . My father's second wife and my
half sister don't seem important.
SECOND CHILD: I felt fine w h e n my mother was standing next to me as
the constellation was being set up. N o w I don't feel so good.
T H I R D CHILD: I can see my parents, but I can't make up my mind what
to do. I feel drawn toward my father, but I can't leave my present
position.
SECOND WIFE: I am wondering w h y my husband doesn't turn round and
face m e .
HELLINGER: H o w is the half sister feeling?
F O U R T H CHILD: At first I felt excluded, and I experienced my father as
threatening. I've b e e n feeling better since my mother came and stood b e -
hind m e . B u t my father is standing in my way.
F I R S T CHILD: Since I've b e e n standing here, the front part of my body has
g r o w n quite warm, as if my batteries had b e e n recharged, and I feel I'd
like to grab at something.
HELLINGER to Harry: N o w add your mother's brother to the constellation.
20

38. Diagram 2
MB Mother's brother
H E L L I N G E R : W h a t has changed?
F I R S T C H I L D : I am drawn to the left, toward my mother's brother, and I
am wondering what he's doing there. W h a t does he want?
H E L L I N G E R : D o you feel better or worse?
F I R S T C H I L D : T h e energy I had before is draining off toward the left. I feel
torn. It's not good. There's still some energy going toward my father.
Everything behind me seems to be highly charged, and some energy is
going off toward the left.
M O T H E R ' S B R O T H E R : I don't really k n o w what I am supposed to be
doing here.
. M O T H E R : I feel enclosed.
H E L L I N G E R : And how!
M O T H E R : Yes. She laughs.
H E L L I N G E R to Harry: W a s he married, the actor?
H A R R Y : N O . And he's been dead for some time.
Hellinger rearranges the constellation.
21

39. Diagram 3
HELLINGER: What has changed for the second wife?
SECOND WIFE: I like seeing them all standing there. I have the feeling it
right like this.
FIRST CHILD: Suddenly, everything seems clear. This is a good place to be
FATHER: I can n o w turn toward my present family more comfortably.
Hellinger changes the constellation again. He asks the mother's
preferred partner to leave the constellation because he no longer
seems to be important.
22

40. Diagram 4
H E L L I N G E R : H o w is that for the father?
FATHER: I feel fine like this. I can l o o k at my first wife. My marriage with
her was an unsuccessful attempt. My n e w relationship feels right to m e ,
and it feels g o o d to have my children so close.
H E L L I N G E R : H o w do the others feel?
THIRD CHILD: I would like to have m o r e contact with my mother.
SECOND CHILD: Here in the circle it's okay.
F I R S T CHILD: I feel fine. Suddenly m y half sister and her m o t h e r seem to
belong. I don't mind my mother's going away.
MOTHER: I would like to be able to see my children.
MOTHER'S B R O T H E R : I feel fine here. I'd like to do something, something
spontaneous.
H E L L I N G E R to Harry: W h a t do y o u think about this constellation?
H A R R Y : W e l l , I can't recognize the actual situation in it at all. B u t that's
probably not the point. It could have b e e n a g o o d solution if everyone
had agreed to it. B u t it never happened, so it seems Utopian to m e .
H E L L I N G E R : Commentaries like this often serve only to t h r o w doubt o n
the solution. All I wanted to k n o w was h o w y o u feel w h e n y o u l o o k at
the constellation.
H A R R Y : I am not very enthusiastic about it. B u t I can't help feeling:
" W h a t a pity it wasn't like that." Perhaps I really shouldn't say anything
at all.
23

41. Hellinger turns the mother and her brother around so that they are
facing the family, and places the mother on the left of her brother
so that she is standing closer to her children.
Diagram 5
H E L L I N G E R to the people in the constellation: Is that better o r worse?
F I R S T C H I L D : W a r m e r .
S E C O N D CHILD.- W o r s e .
M O T H E R : It's b e t t e r for m e .
M O T H E R ' S B R O T H E R : For m e too.
H E L L I N G E R to the group: Well, this w o m a n certainly took her husband for
a ride. She never really wanted him. That's w h y she ought to turn
around and face the other way. She has forfeited her chance of facing in
his direction.
Hellinger turns the mother and her brother around again and
places the mother behind her brother.
24

42. Diagram 6
HELLINGER to the people in the constellation: How's that?
MOTHER: It feels right like this.
HELLINGER: Exactly.
to the group: N o w you can see with w h o m Harry is identified. N o w his
mother is standing in exactly the same relationship to her brother as she
was standing to her oldest son in the first constellation. Harry is identified
with her brother.
F I R S T CHILD: I feel a shudder running up and down my spine, and the
words "Poor Mother!" came into my mind.
HELLINGER to the group: There is a drama being acted out in this family
that neither the husband nor the children can influence. We don't k n o w
why it's happening, but there's nothing we can do about it either. T h e
only solution for Harry is to stand next to his father.
HELLINGER to Harry: W o u l d you like to go and stand in your place?
HARRY: Yes.
Harry stands in his place in the family constellation.
HELLINGER to the group: Here we see that love follows set laws to which
relationships must conform if they are to succeed. Any deviation causes
disorder and problems that can only be overcome by compliance, and
not, for example, by love alone.
25

43. to Harry: This constellation offers an image of resolution to what's going on
in your family. N o w I will tell you what to do with this image. T h e
image of your family you've been carrying around in your mind up until
n o w was an image that caused disorder and pain. We have rearranged it
and shown you a good solution for all concerned. N o w you have the
chance to superimpose the new image onto the old one. If you manage
to do this, you will be a changed person, without anyone else having to
change. Y o u will be different because you will be carrying an image of
your family in your mind and heart that will enable you to relate to the
members of your family quite differently. In the position that you were
in at the start, identified with someone your mother loved more than
your father, no woman could ever hold you, and you could never hold
a woman. Do you understand? B o t h your parents loved people they
couldn't have, and your child's soul wants to be like them both. In your
family, love meant unfulfilled loving. Okay, that's all.
T h e difference b e t w e e n following s o m e o n e ' s e x a m p l e a n d
b e i n g identified w i t h a p e r s o n
IDA: H o w did Harry's identification with his uncle come about in his
system?
HELLINGER: My guess is that subconsciously his mother looked for some-
one to represent her favorite brother in her family. Harry could intui-
tively feel h o w he needed to be so that his mother would love him.
That's w h y he took on the role of this brother without being aware of
it and without his mother or anyone else being aware of it.
H A R R Y : B u t surely my mother's modeling me on her favorite brother and
my taking my uncle as a role model are two different things. W o u l d you
consider them to be two different kinds of identification?
HELLINGER: N o . W h a t you describe is more or less conscious. Identifica-
tion is deeper and more subtle. A role model is someone separate from
me w h o m I have before me in my mind's eye, and w h o m I can follow
or not as I please. I am free to choose. B u t when I am identified with
someone, I am not free, and often I don't even k n o w that I am identi-
fied with that person. I feel estranged from myself when I am identifying
with someone. That doesn't happen when I follow and emulate a role
model.
H A R R Y : That's it exactly. So you use the word "identification" as an o b -
jective description of a process that no one started consciously?
26

44. HELLINGER: Y e s . And no one is guilty. Y o u r mother didn't consciously
choose you for the identification. There's no blame attached to her.
These are dynamics that emerge from a situation without anyone wanting
them and without anyone, and least of all the child, being able to do
anything about them. Nevertheless, we have to live with the conse-
quences for ourselves and others.
HARRY: T h e n everybody involved is a victim?
HELLINGER: Y e s . Everyone is caught up in an entanglement, each in a dif-
ferent way. That's why the question of guilt or culpability does not arise
in this context.
T h e principle o f m i n i m a l i s m
DAGMAR: T h e n we don't need to set up the constellation of the mother's
side of the family to find out what went wrong there as well?
HELLINGER: W h a t would that accomplish? Harry doesn't need that. T h e
solution is quite clear to him now. We can't possibly reconstruct all the
other dynamics in the family. If we try to do that, then we enter the
realm of fantasy. That's why big family constellations so often end up
being so confusing and rarely lead to a solution. Harry has all he needs
to enable him to act. Y o u must never do more than the person c o n -
cerned needs for a solution. I don't seek solutions for people w h o are not
immediately involved.
I act on the principle of minimalism, that is, I limit myself to the reso-
lution for the person I'm working with at present, and that's the end of
it. T h e n I go on to the next person, so I don't dwell on what has hap-
rened. It's only because this is a training seminar for therapists that I'm
talking to you about it now. Otherwise, we wouldn't talk about what has
taken place. It's also important not to ask questions about the success of
the work, or anything like that. That just saps energy.
I n d i v i d u a t i o n d e t r a c t s f r o m t h e intensity o f a relationship
- W h a t about the children in this confused system? W h a t negative in-
fluence has it had on them? Surely they must have gained something
positive from the constellation as well?
-HELLINGER: Of course, however troubled a family system may be, the fact
remains that the children were born into it. It gives them the chance to love. but it also influences their development. T h e first so
27

45. took on something that shaped his development. Nevertheless, he n o w
has the chance to m o v e through its negative aspects.
Development in families of origin and in present relationships tends
toward individuation. This means that we b e c o m e less and less bound by
our relationships. Individuation leads to detachment on a lower level and,
paradoxically, to attachment on a higher level. In this broader context,
we are both close and detached at the same time.
This can be compared to someone w h o leaves a village in which
everything is crowded and confined and climbs up onto a mountain,
higher and higher, the view becoming wider all the time. T h e higher the
person climbs, the lonelier the person becomes, but he or she is also
aware of entering a broader context. Thus, loss of closeness brings us into
touch with something greater, and the price we pay is loneliness. That's
w h y many people find it so difficult to take the step away from a close
relationship and develop in the direction of new and broader perspec-
tives. B u t every close bond strives to develop in the direction of some-
thing greater and broader, and this is also one of the reasons that the
relationship between a man and a woman loses something of its intensity
when it has reached its peak (the peak is the birth of the first child) and
develops in the direction of something greater and broader. And whereas
this adds a new, deeper dimension to the relationship, it detracts — it
must detract — from its intensity.
S o m e people believe that when they enter into a relationship, they
will stay close forever, but relationship is also part of the process of dy-
ing. Every crisis in a relationship is experienced like dying and is a part
of dying. And whereas some of the intensity is lost, the relationship ac-
quires a n e w quality and grows deeper on a new level. It is different than
it was before, more relaxed and broader.
IDA: T h e n it's not love that gets lost?
HELLINGER: N o . Love may grow deeper, m u c h deeper. B u t it has a
different quality.
L o v e follows p r e d e t e r m i n e d laws
HELLINGER: M a n y problems arise because people think they can ignore
the predetermined laws of couples and family relationships if they love
selflessly enough. However, these laws are not influenced by love. If
we are honest, we k n o w that there are many problems in relationships
that love alone cannot solve. To think that it can is an illusion. It is only
28

46. when we meet the preconditions love requires that we can find a
solution.
H A R R Y : T h a t sounds terribly hard. I realize that this is what I have been
trying to do, in all sorts of ways. And I failed. It's a terrible insight.
H E L L I N G E R : Love develops within a context and is subject to the condi-
tions of that context. T h e laws of love precede love, and love can only
develop within their limits.
H A R R Y : I've really been on the wrong track.
H E L L I N G E R : Y e s . B u t n o w you have the chance to get back on the right
track and put things in order. Sometimes people manage to change things
for the better very quickly once they start acting according to n e w in-
sights. B u t self-recriminations and guilt trips are substitutes for action.
T h e y prevent us from acting and leave us weak.
R u l e s o f p r i o r i t y
D A G M A R : Y O U set up Harry's system in a hierarchical order. W h a t kind o f
order was it?
H E L L I N G E R : T h e r e is a hierarchy that follows the chronological order in
which the members of a family or extended family entered the system.
This is the hierarchy according to origin. That's why, in Harry's system,
I gave the first wife priority over the second and the oldest son priority
over his younger siblings. W h e n you set up a family constellation accord-
ing to this hierarchy, the persons lower down in the hierarchy stand to
the left of persons higher up.
Everything that exists is structured by time. T h o s e w h o came first in
the family have priority over those w h o came later. T h e first child has
priority over the second, for example, and the relationship between a
husband and wife as a couple has priority over their relationship to their
children as parents. This applies within a family system.
B u t between the systems, the opposite rule applies. T h e n e w system
has priority over the old. T h e present family, for instance, has priority
over the family of origin. W h e n this priority is not respected, things go
wrong. For Harry's mother, for example, her family of origin took pri-
ority over her present system. That's why it went wrong.
D A G M A R : Y o u said that, on the one hand, the past has priority over the
present, and, on the other hand, the present has priority over the past. I
don't think I quite understand.
H E L L I N G E R : W i t h i n a single system, those w h o came first have priority
29

47. over those who came later. But between two systems, the new system
has priority over the old.
T h e p r i o r i t y o f the f i r s t close relationship
FRANK: Surely there must also be a hierarchy based on the quality of the
systems, for example, between systems that are healthy and systems that
lead to illness.
HELLINGER: N o , we can't make this sort of distinction. T h e first close
relationship, regardless of its quality, comes before the second. T h e bond
that exists between the partners of a second relationship is weaker than
that which exists between those of the first. Thus, the strength of the
bond decreases with every successive relationship. Even though the love
in a second relationship may be greater, the bond is nevertheless weaker.
T h e depth and strength of the bond can be seen from the intensity of the
guilt that is experienced when it is dissolved. Someone who leaves a sec-
ond relationship feels less guilty than when leaving the first. Nevertheless,
as a rule, a later relationship takes precedence over a previous one, and
this is definitely the case if a child is born of the later relationship.
HARRY: I feel very refreshed and full of energy. It reminds me of the
words: " T h e truth shall make you free."
T h e h i e r a r c h y in the family
Most tragedies in a family are caused by the violation of the principles of
priority by someone in a subordinate position, that is, by someone taking
upon himself or herself, either consciously or unconsciously, something
that is properly the business of someone higher up in the hierarchy.
For example, children often try to atone for their parents' actions or
to bear the consequences of their guilt. Actually, this is presumptuous on
the part of the child, but children are unaware of their presumptiousness
because they are acting out of love. Their conscience does not warn
them. That's why the great tragic heroes are all blind. T h e y think they're
doing something great and noble, but this conviction doesn't protect
them from downfall. To maintain that we acted in good conscience and
with the best of intentions does not change the results of our presump-
tion and its consequences.
W h e n children assume inappropriate positions in families, they b e c o m e
estranged from themselves and their centers. Obviously, children cannot
30

48. stop themselves from acting presumptuously because they are driven by
love and the best of intentions. It is only when they b e c o m e adults and
gain an understanding of the real situation that they can prevail over their
presumption and take up their appropriate positions in the family. This
is the only place where a child can be in contact with his or her center.
That's why it's of primary importance in family therapy to find out
whether a m e m b e r of the family has taken something upon himself or
herself that is properly the business of someone higher up in the
hierarchy. This is the first thing that has to be put right.
T h e exclusive status o f t h e i n t i m a t e s p h e r e
A c o m m o n example of presumptiousness is when children are told the
details of their parents' intimate life. It hurts a child to have knowledge
of the parents' intimate relationship. It is none of the child's business. It's
not the business of anyone except the couple themselves. W h e n people
tell someone else about aspects of their intimate relationship, they break
trust and it has grave consequences for love. It breaks the relationship.
T h e intimate sphere is the exclusive property of the people w h o have
entered into the relationship and must always remain protected and hid-
den from outsiders. It breaks the trust when a man tells his second wife
the details of his intimate relations with his first wife, and his new wife
loses trust in him, too. Everything to do with the couple's intimate realm
must remain a carefully guarded secret between them. W h e n parents tell
their children secrets, they put the children in a terrible position. As a
rule, children must not even be told when their parents have aborted a
child. This too belongs to the intimate relationship between husband and
wife. E v e n in therapy, m e n and w o m e n may only talk to their therapist
about these things if they can do so in such a way that their partners
remain protected. Otherwise, the relationship will suffer.
Priorities in d i v o r c e
PARTICIPANT: W h a t happens when the parents separate and the children
ask why?
HELINGER: It's generally best to tell them that it's none of their business.
But they also need to k n o w that the separation will not sever the rela-
tionship between the parents and the children. " W e are separating, but
your father is still your father, and your mother is still your mother."
31

49. Frequently, the children are taken away from one parent and given into
the custody of the other. In fact, however, they always remain the chil-
dren of both of their parents, and both parents retain their full rights and
their full responsibility for them even after the divorce. It's easier for the
children when they know that the only thing that is severed is the coup-
le's relationship. Furthermore, the children should not be asked with
which parent they want to live. That puts them in the position of having
to choose between their parents, in favor of one and against the other.
That's a terrible thing to do to children, and they should never be asked
to do this. It's the parents' responsibility to decide between themselves
where the children are to go and then to tell the children what they have
decided. Even if the children protest, they are inwardly free and feel
relieved that they did not have to choose between their parents.
PARTICIPANT: Surely many parents try to justify themselves to their chil-
dren by telling them what went wrong between them as a couple?
HELLINGER: Yes, but here we work on the assumption that many separa-
tions happen with no guilt involved. In fact, separations are usually in-
evitable. If you look for guilt, either in yourself or in your partner, you
are refusing to face up to the inevitable. Y o u are behaving as if the pain
of separation could have been avoided if only you or your partner had
been different. That's too easy. T h e pain has to be faced. Separations re-
sult from entanglements. Each of the partners is entangled in a different
way. That's why, as a therapist, I never look for a guilty party. W h e n
people separate, I try to help them realize that their couple relationship
is now over, however well meant it was at the beginning, and that they
must face up to the pain that the realization of this fact entails. If they
face up to their pain, they can part on friendly terms and sort out the
important details together. Afterward, each of them is free to face his or
her future. This way of working brings relief to all concerned.
PARTICIPANT: I took part in a study on the consequences of divorce for
the children, and I would be interested to hear what you have to say
about this. W h e n a couple tells their children they are getting divorced,
the children's first impulse always seems to be that they must have done
something wrong to make their parents want to get divorced.
HELLINGER: W h e n something goes wrong between the parents, children
look for the guilt in themselves. It's easier for them to feel guilty them-
selves than to see their parents' entanglements clearly. It's a great relief
to them when their parents say: ' W e have decided to separate from each
other as a couple, but we will still be your parents, and you will still be
our beloved children."
32

50. PARTICIPANT: I can accept that. B u t children often question this because
they see how upset their parents are. What does one do then?
HELLINGER: I've already told you that. Parents get upset and resort to
blaming one another when they don't face up to the pain of the separa-
tion and to their shared responsibility. Getting the children involved in
that avoidance makes it worse for the children. B u t there's another im-
portant aspect to consider. W h e n parents divorce, their children are safest
with the parent who most respects his or her partner in them. Strangely,
this is usually the husband. T h e husband is more likely to respect his wife
in his children than the other way around. I don't know why this is so,
but it is something that I've often observed. W h e n you counsel a man
and a woman who want to get divorced, you can tell them that the best
thing for their children is if both partners continue the love they origi-
nally had for each other in their love for their children, regardless of
what happened afterward. Most couples start out with intense love and
happiness, and it's a help for their children when parents remember that
happiness and see the children as the expression of that happiness, even
after a divorce.
T h e o b j e c t i o n
GERTRUDE: I'm very interested in these rules of priority. I immediately
had the feeling — which I can't reconstruct or explain — that the father
of my son might have married me after all if I had known about those
rules and followed them. T h e y affected me strongly and I felt good about
it. B u t I destroyed the good feeling at once.
HELLINGER: O n c e upon a time there was a man who was hungry. T h e n
he came across a table laden with good, tasty food. B u t instead of sitting
down and tucking in, he said: "I don't believe it. It's too good to be
true" — and stayed hungry.
H i e r a r c h y in organizations
Organizations have a hierarchy of groups according to function and
achievement. For example, the hospital administration has priority over
the other departments because it safeguards the basic conditions that ena-
ble the others to carry out their functions. T h e doctors follow, even
though they are more important in terms of the hospital's purpose and
objectives, just as the wife is more important than the husband in terms
33

51. of the family's goals. The doctors as a group come second in the hierar-
chy, followed by the nurses and the auxiliary staff. They all form a hier-
archy of groups based on function.
In addition to the hierarchy involving the various groups of an organi-
zation that is based on function, there is also a hierarchy within each
group based on seniority. For example, a doctor who joined the group
of doctors earlier generally has a higher position in the hierarchy than
doctors who come later. This hierarchy has nothing to do with function
and is based solely on the length of time a member has been part of the
group.
Many other subtle hierarchies structure the life and interactions within
an organization. For example, there may be hierarchies of skill or talent,
of charisma or self-assertion, of men and women. Many difficulties with-
in an organization arise when these various hierarchies conflict with one
another. For example, when an organization hires a new head from out-
side, the newcomer is on the lowest rung of the ladder in terms of seni-
ority but has the highest rank in terms of function. In order to be suc-
cessful, the newcomer either must change the organization completely,
or lead the group in a way that appropriately honors the hierarchy of
seniority. This can be done without difficulty if the new leader regards
his or her function as a service to the organization as a whole. Leading
from this low position is extremely effective, provided that the leader
knows how it is done. Managers who lead from the lowest position soon
have everyone on their side because they respect the other hierarchies.
They assume the head position in the group, and yet lead as if they were
on the lowest rung of the hierarchical ladder.
In some cases, there is also a hierarchy of origin between departments
within an organization. If a new department is added to a hospital, for
example, it is lower in the hierarchical system than the existing depart-
ments, except in cases where the new department is sufficiently important
to make the other departments dependent on it.
P A R T I C I P A N T : I S it possible for the head of an organization to dismiss
someone who came to the system earlier although the head himself or
herself is lower in the hierarchy of origin?
H E L L I N G E R : That's a commonsense situation. If a new head of an organi-
zation fires someone unjustly, the group feels insecure and quickly loses
its cohesion, but if someone has done something that violates the interests
of the organization as a whole, firing that person actually creates trust and
a sense of safety. Similarly, the new boss can demote someone who is in-
competent or who fails to live up to his or her responsibilities. However,
34

52. it is important that the person concerned still retain his or her position
in the hierarchy of origin. T h e hierachy of origin and the hierarchy of
function are separate.
An organization will fall apart if a subordinate group takes something
upon itself that is properly the business of a superordinate group, for
example, when doctors in a hospital try to control its administration in-
stead of cooperating with it. T h e same thing applies when a subordinate
m e m b e r of a group tries to do something that is appropriate only for
someone higher up in the group. It is natural for there to be a certain
amount of competition among the members of a group for the leading
positions, and this is healthy for the organization if the aspirations are
based on competence and performance in the interest of the group as a
whole, and the hierarchy of origin is respected at the same time. This can
be compared to fights between stags for the hinds. Interestingly enough,
the hinds remain when one stag has ousted the other, and the same p h e -
n o m e n o n can be observed in organizations. W h e n the leading stag is
ousted by its successor, the hinds stay on. I don't want to go into this in
detail, but anyone who observes what goes on within an organization
will k n o w what I mean.
T h e decision n o t t o h a v e c h i l d r e n
SOPHIE: My name is Sophie, and I am 37. I'm a psychologist, and I started
my o w n practice six months ago. I've been married for 10 years.
HELLINGER: Have you any children?
SOPHIE: N o . I was just coming to that. It is an issue that is b e c o m i n g ur-
gent because we are n o w at an age when we must decide one way or the
other.
HELLINGER: Y o u have already decided.
SOPHIE: Already decided? N o t to have children, you mean?
H E L L 1 N G E R : Yes.
SOPHIE: H m m . W h y do you say that?
HELLINGER: O n e can see it.
SOPHIE: I've been wondering about that for some time.
HELLINGER: Y o u have made your decision, and n o w you must stick to it,
and that's that. Otherwise, you w o n ' t be able to m o v e forward.
35

53. " T o be o r n o t to b e "
H E L L I N G E R to the group: I'd like to say something in general about
decisions of this kind.
Anyone who makes a decision in favor of something usually has to
forgo something else. What we decide in favor of leads to action and b e -
comes reality, and that which we forgo remains inactive and unrealized.
Thus everything that is real and existent, everything that has been
translated into action, is surrounded by that which remains inactive and
unrealized, and it is inconceivable without it. But that which is not active
and not realized also has an effect. It is not nonexistent; it is only un-
realized. If I disdain or demean the part of my existence that remains
unrealized, it takes something away from my reality.
W h e n , for example, a woman decides against having children in favor
of a career and combines this decision with demeaning and belittling the
whole institution of husband, children, and family, the part of her exis-
tence that has remained unrealized, she takes something away from her
chosen path. That which she has chosen becomes less because of her de-
valuing what she has foregone. Conversely, if she respects and values that
which remains unrealized as something great and valid in spite of the fact
that she has decided in favor of a career, it adds to her chosen path, and
it will be greater because of it.
to Sophie: Can you follow this?
S O P H I E : Yes.
H E L L I N G E R : This is something you can use in your present situation, i f
you like.
(See also the story "Absence and presence," page 324.)
T h e c o n s e q u e n c e s of such a decision for
the couple's relationship
S O P H I E : Actually, I don't think I have decided in favor o f a career, but in
favor of my relationship with my husband. I seem to have the idea that
the relationship will be destroyed when a child comes onto the scene.
And when you said that we had decided against having children, I sud-
denly realized that I had decided against it. But now I feel I have no
right to deny my husband a child.
H E L L I N G E R : I f your husband wants a child and you choose not to have
one, that means that your togetherness is over. Unless you are aware that
36

54. this will be the consequence of your decision, you will be making a
grave mistake. If, on the other hand, your husband decides to stay with
you in spite of your decision, this is something that you need to ac-
knowledge as a special favor.
A t l o g g e r h e a d s
IDA: My name is Ida, and I'm here with William, my husband. W e ' r e un-
der great pressure in our business and I have a great deal of responsibility.
I would really like to work in psychology. I trained to be a psychologist,
but it seems the time is not yet ripe. And there's something I'd like to
ask you. T h e last time I worked with you I was aware that I was at
loggerheads with you.
HELLINGER: Y o u always have been a little bit.
IDA: A little bit, yes. B u t n o w I have lost something. It seems that I had
somehow integrated you into my life, and when I had a problem, I used
to say to myself: "I'll write to Bert about it," and start writing you a
letter. I kept on formulating the problem and changing and correcting
the letter, and then at some point I would find the solution without hav-
ing to bother you. B u t I haven't been able to do it for two years.
HELLINGER: T h e r e is something unresolved here. Y o u wanted something
from me, something to do with being at loggerheads with me.
IDA: I want to recover what I have lost. It was valuable to me.
HELLINGER: W h e n something stops working, it's time to replace it with
something better.
IDA: Oh Bert! T h e r e isn't anything.
HELLINGER: We could look for someone w h o would be of greater help
to you than me.
IDA: It is a loss to me personally . . .
HELLINGER: I made you an offer. Do you accept?
IDA: Y e s . B u t there's something else. Yesterday I cut my bangs.
HELLINGER: B u t not short enough.
Laughter in the group. Hellinger had remarked in a previous work-
shop that women who have hair falling into their eyes are con-
fused, and the longer the hair, the greater the confusion.
H E L L I N G E R : Anything else?
IDA: Yes. In spite of my life being so hectic, I feel good.
37

55. C h i l d r e n w h o g e t b a d g r a d e s
WALTER: My name is Walter. I work at the university, and I also do a
certain amount of psychotherapy. I am married and have two children.
I didn't realize that there would be so m u c h opportunity to work on
personal issues here. Something that has worried me for some time is the
fact that I b e c o m e so upset when my children get bad grades at school.
At the moment, it's my son who's the problem.
HELLINGER: W h a t were you like as a child? D i d you get good grades at
school?
WALTER: I was very good when I was in elementary school, but when I
went to secondary school, I suffered a setback from which I never really
recovered.
HELLINGER: Y o u could try saying to your children: "I was just like you;
when I went to secondary school, I suffered a setback from which I
never really recovered."
WALTER: I'll have to think about it.
HELLINGER: Y o u must say it to them, not just think about it. Just say it.
to the group: Will he say it to them? He won't. He is avoiding the solution.
to Walter. A w o m a n once told me that she was very worried about her
daughter, w h o was in love with Michael Jackson. She erected an altar to
him, and when he coughed, she coughed too. " W h a t shall I do?" the
w o m a n asked. I told her: "Tell her, 'I was just like you.' " Do you
k n o w what the dilemma is with medicine? Y o u can swallow it right
away, and let it work. Or you can cut it to bits in order to examine it,
but you may never get around to swallowing it.
T r a n s f e r r e d g r i e f
R O B E R T : My name is R o b e r t and I am a management consultant. I have
three grown-up children and I live with my younger son.
HELLINGER: Are you divorced?
R O B E R T : Separated.
HELLINGER: Since when?
Robert begins to sob.
HELLINGER: Keep your eyes open! D o n ' t give in to this feeling, it makes
you weak. It doesn't do any good. L o o k at me! C a n you see me? Can
you see what color my eyes are?
to the group: I have to try and draw his attention to something else to help
keep him from getting sucked into this feeling.
38

56. to Robert: H o w long have you been separated?
R O B E R T : F o r six months.
HELLINGER: W h o left the marriage, you or your wife?
R O B E R T : She did.
HELLINGER: A n d what happened?
R O B E R T : She just didn't want to stay with me any m o r e .
HELLINGER: Concentrate on what you are feeling at the m o m e n t . H o w
old is the feeling?
R O B E R T : V e r y old, I think.
HELLINGER: H o w old is the child w h o has this feeling?
R O B E R T : He is 3.
HELLINGER: T h a t seems m o r e like it. W h a t happened w h e n y o u were 3?
R O B E R T : My younger sister died.
HELLINGER: Y o u r sister? That's it.
the group: This is a transference of an old situation and an old feeling into
the present. Y o u can't w o r k with these feelings in the present. T h e y
have to stay where they belong, and that's where y o u must w o r k with
them.
to Robert: N o w we'll set up your present family.
R O B E R T : N o , not now.
He sobs.
HELLINGER: I'll give you o n e m o r e chance.
Robert sets up the constellation of his present family.
A D A U G H T E R R E P R E S E N T S H E R F A T H E R ' S
D E C E A S E D S I S T E R
HELLINGER: W e r e either of you previously married or engaged, you or
your wife?
R O B E R T : N o .
39

57. Diagram 1
Hb Husband (= Robert)
W Wife
1 First child, a daughter
2 Second child, a son
3 Third child, a son
HELLINGER: H o w is the husband feeling?
HUSBAND: I feel lost even though I'm standing in the row.
HELLINGER: H o w do the others feel?
W I F E : I feel as if I am facing the wrong way. I ' m looking at my older son,
and I'd like to turn around.
HELLINGER: A n d h o w do you actually feel?
W I F E : N o t good.
FIRST CHILD: I'm standing in a good position, but I can only see my father.
SECOND CHILD: I like being able to see everyone, but I lack contact.
T H I R D CHILD: I feel strongly confronted by my older brother, and it
doesn't feel at all good. On the other hand, I like being tucked in b e -
tween my parents.
HUSBAND: I w o u l d like to add that I can't see my wife but only my
daughter. T h e lost feeling I had seemed to c o m e from s o m e w h e r e l o w
in my body. I feel close to my younger son.
HELLINGER to Robert: W h a t happened to your younger sister?
R O B E R T : She died w h e n I was 3 years old.
HELLINGER: W h a t of?
R O B E R T : Pneumonia.
40

58. HELLINGER: N o w add your sister to the group.
Diagram 2
HbS+ Husband's sister who died young
HELLINGER to the group: Y o u can see from the constellation that the
daughter is identified with his younger sister. She represents the deceased
sister for her father.
What has changed for the husband?
HUSBAND: There was a feeling of dread everywhere.
HELLINGER: H o w is the daughter feeling, better or worse?
FIRST CHILD: M o r e agitated.
HELLINGER: H o w does the wife feel now?
WIFE: Something has become clear, something important. It has made me
reel different, better.
HELLINGER to the group: T h e sister is the most important person here. A
system becomes disturbed when an important person is missing, regardless
what the reason. It is often a sibling of the father or mother who died youung. As soon as the person in question reenters the group,
comes into the system. It is only then that change is possible.
How is the dead sister feeling?
- HUSBAND SISTER+: I can't really say.
Hellinger places the dead sister next to her brother, the husband.
41

59. Diagram 3
HELLINGER: H o w is the wife feeling now?
WIFE: It's crazy, but I n o w feel I can turn toward my husband.
Hellinger rearranges the constellation.
HELLINGER: H o w is that for the husband?
HUSBAND: It felt wonderful when my sister came, and when my wife
came, it was good too. B u t perhaps they should change places.
42

60. HELLINGER: That's possible.
HUSBAND: That's good.
WIFE: It's different, better.
HELLINGER: H o w is the dead sister feeling?
HUSBAND'S SISTER+: Good.
HELLINGER: H o w are the children feeling?
ALL THE CHILDREN: G o o d .
HELLINGER TO THE WIFE: H o w do you feel with your children standing
opposite you like this?
WIFE: Good, yes.
HELLINGER to Robert: Go and stand in your place in the constellation.
Robert goes to his place.
ROBERT: I don't understand.
HELLINGER: Y o u don't have to understand, you only have to stand in
your place.
Robert shakes his head.
HELLINGER to the group: Y o u see h o w hard the solution is for him?
HELLINGER: T h e question now is, what can he do to give his sister her
rightful place?
It looks like R o b e r t has a feeling of guilt toward his younger sister b e -
C o m p e n s a t i o n t h r o u g h suffering
43