The document provides guidance on how to support victims of sexual abuse. It discusses that 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men experience sexual abuse, and that we should be prepared to listen without judgment if someone discloses abuse. It lists things abuse victims need, such as acknowledging what happened was wrong, listening without interruption to their story, understanding their feelings of loss and desire for justice, empowering their voice, and being patient as healing takes time and layers to unravel like an onion. The overall message is to be available to support those who have experienced trauma and understand healing is a long process.

1. Be somebody to somebody
How to be sensitive to victims of sexual abuse
©2018 Susan Hoekstra

2. With the wake of the Larry
Nassar tragedy, especially
it being so close to home,
I wanted to take a moment
to reflect. This is bad stuff.
This is evil. I would like to
encourage everyone to be
careful. Let’s not make too
much out of the reactive
media and instead
concentrate on the
victims. But you may ask,
what can I do?
Be somebody to
somebody.

3. Statistics say 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men are victims of sexual abuse. This may
be your co-worker, your neighbor, your friend, your sister, your child or maybe even
you.
I think we can all agree in this case, that Larry Nassar is a monster and used his
perceived power to manipulate young women, parents, colleagues, administrators
and an entire community. HE is the one responsible and thank God, he is now
behind bars for life.
Sometimes our first reaction is to find somebody to blame. Understandable; but
sometimes that deflects looking at ourselves. Did we listen? Were we available?
Though we may not be directly responsible for what happened, I would like to
suggest a new word – RESPONDIBILITY. Respondibility is taking responsibility for
how we respond to life. Please consider carefully how you respond and what you
post on social media. Please consider whom you start to accuse without facts.
Most of all, please consider the victims.
With the onset of over 265 women coming forward to tell their stories about one
man, there are millions of other women who are silently experiencing the pain of
sexual abuse. I believe as time goes on, more and more women will feel brave
enough to come forward with their stories. And the reality is that you might be on
the receiving end of hearing it. Are you prepared to help?
Be somebody to somebody.

4. Although I don’t claim to know what will work for every unique victim, nor am I
a licensed counselor, I am a victim myself and work with other women you
have been traumatized. As I look back I can now recognize what I needed to
heal. The first step is to acknowledge what happened to you, but keep in
mind that it is common for the experience to be suppressed. Victims can go
through life thinking something is just not right but they don’t actually know
what it is. It wasn’t until somebody came along side of me and took the time
to help me disclose my story that I finally saw it for what it was. This became
my launching pad to understand the true source of freedom, and the
beginning of my life.
Be somebody to somebody.

5. DICHOTOMY -The first
thing that happens to a
victim is a sense of
detachment – like an out
of body experience. It’s
natural to remove
yourself from what is
happening as if this is a
movie that you are
watching, and yet you
were still there. A
common response may
be “Did that just
happen?” That
dichotomy can start to
apply to other aspects of
our lives.
LISTEN - We need somebody
to listen to our story. Yes,
every gruesome
detail. Please understand that
many things are happening as
a person tells their story. They
may struggle with the
sequence of events or some
other kind of detail because it’s
a lot to process. Please don’t
dismiss someone because
they may struggle with the
details or can’t remember the
play by play. This may mean
you need to listen more than
once without judgment or
action or asking too many
questions. If you’re tempted to
interrupt, please don’t. Wait.
Otherwise they don’t feel
heard. It takes A LOT of
courage to talk about this
EMPATHY -We need
somebody to
acknowledge that what
happened to us was
wrong. We need
someone to get angry
with us, to cry with us,
to understand how
confusing and shameful
we feel. Be available.
Be present.
BONDING – We need
to align ourselves with
others who have
similar stories. This
helps us understand
we are not the only
one.
WAYS TO HELP and UNDERSTAND THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED
© Susan Hoekstra 2018

6. GREIVING - So much is
lost when something like
this happens. Each and
every part that was lost -
which can be different for
each victim – needs a
proper burial. This takes
months, years, to heal.
JUSTICE – Ideally, we
need the perpetrator to be
behind bars. That is the
only real way we feel
safe. But sometimes that
doesn’t happen.
Sometimes in our need to
fight back we come across
as more aggressive than
the average person.
Please try to understand
our passionate voices.
VOICE – We need to have
a voice. Often those who
have been abused take a
lot of things personally
because they are afraid to
speak their mind or set
boundaries. They often
perpetuate being a victim
of something else because
they are afraid to speak up.
Let them speak! Someone
who complains a lot about
not being heard just may
be hurting deep down.
EMPOWERMENT –
Abuse is about power.
We need to
understand that
someone who has
been abused feels
powerless. Having no
power leads to no
hope and can lead to
depression or
addictive behavior
ONIONS – We need to
remember that you can’t tell
someone who has been
abused to “just get over it.”
Healing is like an
onion. There are many
layers to unravel.

7. REMORSE/DELUSION –
Ideally, it would be great for the
perpetrator to admit their
wrongdoing and be remorseful.
Full repentance would even be
better. However, that rarely
happens, so we need somebody
to come beside us and remind us
that evil happens. People can be
delusional and create false
realities about themselves.
Ironically, victims sometimes
believe false realities about
themselves.
PERCEPTION – Someone who
has been abused may have a
distorted view of the world.
Please be patient with them as
they ask a lot of questions, are a
little bit paranoid, or think too
much. They are just trying to
discern what is truth.

8. TRUST – One of the worst things that happens to someone who has been
abused is that they have a very difficult time trusting people. They struggle
with understanding that people can be good and bad at the same time
because they look for absolutes to break up the dichotomy they feel. They are
also learning to trust themselves. Hurt people may hurt people.
TIME – Healing takes time. Please be patient.
FORGIVENESS – At some point, the victim needs to forgive. Typically,
they concentrate on forgiving the perpetrator or someone who didn't do
anything first. Forgiveness doesn't mean we forget. But it does mean we
need to forgive ourselves. Please encourage us to understand the
difference between WHO we are and what has happened to us.
COMFORT – One of the best ways for a victim to heal is to comfort
others who have been through similar circumstances.

9. As I write this, I’m sure I’ve missed
something. But as you can see, a lot of
these issues are something a victim
has to work through the rest of their
lives. That is the real tragedy. If I had to
re-learn anything about the world
during my healing, it would be that I
did not have a choice about what
happened to me, but I do have choice
HOW I respond to it. I slip back now
and then, but I am quicker at
recognizing that I may be responding
to today’s events based on yesterday.
I know this is hard stuff. I understand
that talking about this isn’t fun. But I
pray that as you read this, you are not
1 of the 4 or 1 of the 6. But if you’re
not, be thankful AND BE prepared. Be
understanding. Be kind. 3 other women
or 5 other men in the room may need
you.
Be somebody for somebody
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord
Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of
all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction,
so that we may be able to comfort those who
are in any affliction, with the comfort with which
we ourselves are comforted by God.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

10. This article is provided courtesy of AFFIRM GRASP Ministry.
©2018 Susan Hoekstra
https://affirmgrasp.blogspot.com/