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Be somebody to somebody
- 1. Be somebody tosomebody How to be sensitive to victims of sexual abuse ©2018 Susan Hoekstra
- 2. With the wakeof the Larry Nassar tragedy, especially it being so close to home, I wanted to take a moment to reflect. This is bad stuff. This is evil. I would like to encourage everyone to be careful. Let’s not make too much out of the reactive media and instead concentrate on the victims. But you may ask, what can I do? Be somebody to somebody.
- 3. Statistics say 1in 4 women and 1 in 6 men are victims of sexual abuse. This may be your co-worker, your neighbor, your friend, your sister, your child or maybe even you. I think we can all agree in this case, that Larry Nassar is a monster and used his perceived power to manipulate young women, parents, colleagues, administrators and an entire community. HE is the one responsible and thank God, he is now behind bars for life. Sometimes our first reaction is to find somebody to blame. Understandable; but sometimes that deflects looking at ourselves. Did we listen? Were we available? Though we may not be directly responsible for what happened, I would like to suggest a new word – RESPONDIBILITY. Respondibility is taking responsibility for how we respond to life. Please consider carefully how you respond and what you post on social media. Please consider whom you start to accuse without facts. Most of all, please consider the victims. With the onset of over 265 women coming forward to tell their stories about one man, there are millions of other women who are silently experiencing the pain of sexual abuse. I believe as time goes on, more and more women will feel brave enough to come forward with their stories. And the reality is that you might be on the receiving end of hearing it. Are you prepared to help? Be somebody to somebody.
- 4. Although I don’tclaim to know what will work for every unique victim, nor am I a licensed counselor, I am a victim myself and work with other women you have been traumatized. As I look back I can now recognize what I needed to heal. The first step is to acknowledge what happened to you, but keep in mind that it is common for the experience to be suppressed. Victims can go through life thinking something is just not right but they don’t actually know what it is. It wasn’t until somebody came along side of me and took the time to help me disclose my story that I finally saw it for what it was. This became my launching pad to understand the true source of freedom, and the beginning of my life. Be somebody to somebody.
- 5. DICHOTOMY -The first thingthat happens to a victim is a sense of detachment – like an out of body experience. It’s natural to remove yourself from what is happening as if this is a movie that you are watching, and yet you were still there. A common response may be “Did that just happen?” That dichotomy can start to apply to other aspects of our lives. LISTEN - We need somebody to listen to our story. Yes, every gruesome detail. Please understand that many things are happening as a person tells their story. They may struggle with the sequence of events or some other kind of detail because it’s a lot to process. Please don’t dismiss someone because they may struggle with the details or can’t remember the play by play. This may mean you need to listen more than once without judgment or action or asking too many questions. If you’re tempted to interrupt, please don’t. Wait. Otherwise they don’t feel heard. It takes A LOT of courage to talk about this EMPATHY -We need somebody to acknowledge that what happened to us was wrong. We need someone to get angry with us, to cry with us, to understand how confusing and shameful we feel. Be available. Be present. BONDING – We need to align ourselves with others who have similar stories. This helps us understand we are not the only one. WAYS TO HELP and UNDERSTAND THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ABUSED © Susan Hoekstra 2018
- 6. GREIVING - Somuch is lost when something like this happens. Each and every part that was lost - which can be different for each victim – needs a proper burial. This takes months, years, to heal. JUSTICE – Ideally, we need the perpetrator to be behind bars. That is the only real way we feel safe. But sometimes that doesn’t happen. Sometimes in our need to fight back we come across as more aggressive than the average person. Please try to understand our passionate voices. VOICE – We need to have a voice. Often those who have been abused take a lot of things personally because they are afraid to speak their mind or set boundaries. They often perpetuate being a victim of something else because they are afraid to speak up. Let them speak! Someone who complains a lot about not being heard just may be hurting deep down. EMPOWERMENT – Abuse is about power. We need to understand that someone who has been abused feels powerless. Having no power leads to no hope and can lead to depression or addictive behavior ONIONS – We need to remember that you can’t tell someone who has been abused to “just get over it.” Healing is like an onion. There are many layers to unravel.
- 7. REMORSE/DELUSION – Ideally, itwould be great for the perpetrator to admit their wrongdoing and be remorseful. Full repentance would even be better. However, that rarely happens, so we need somebody to come beside us and remind us that evil happens. People can be delusional and create false realities about themselves. Ironically, victims sometimes believe false realities about themselves. PERCEPTION – Someone who has been abused may have a distorted view of the world. Please be patient with them as they ask a lot of questions, are a little bit paranoid, or think too much. They are just trying to discern what is truth.
- 8. TRUST – Oneof the worst things that happens to someone who has been abused is that they have a very difficult time trusting people. They struggle with understanding that people can be good and bad at the same time because they look for absolutes to break up the dichotomy they feel. They are also learning to trust themselves. Hurt people may hurt people. TIME – Healing takes time. Please be patient. FORGIVENESS – At some point, the victim needs to forgive. Typically, they concentrate on forgiving the perpetrator or someone who didn't do anything first. Forgiveness doesn't mean we forget. But it does mean we need to forgive ourselves. Please encourage us to understand the difference between WHO we are and what has happened to us. COMFORT – One of the best ways for a victim to heal is to comfort others who have been through similar circumstances.
- 9. As I writethis, I’m sure I’ve missed something. But as you can see, a lot of these issues are something a victim has to work through the rest of their lives. That is the real tragedy. If I had to re-learn anything about the world during my healing, it would be that I did not have a choice about what happened to me, but I do have choice HOW I respond to it. I slip back now and then, but I am quicker at recognizing that I may be responding to today’s events based on yesterday. I know this is hard stuff. I understand that talking about this isn’t fun. But I pray that as you read this, you are not 1 of the 4 or 1 of the 6. But if you’re not, be thankful AND BE prepared. Be understanding. Be kind. 3 other women or 5 other men in the room may need you. Be somebody for somebody Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
- 10. This article isprovided courtesy of AFFIRM GRASP Ministry. ©2018 Susan Hoekstra https://affirmgrasp.blogspot.com/