This chapter discusses developing relationships with people from other cultures. It explains that there are generally three phases in developing cross-cultural relationships: initial acquaintance, developing friendship, and growing intimacy. Each phase presents barriers that must be overcome such as stereotypes. The chapter also examines relationship styles in individualist cultures like America versus more collective cultures. Overall, developing deep intercultural relationships requires intentionality, understanding differences, and adapting to local relationship norms.

1. Chapter 14:
Relating to People
of Other Cultures

2. Chapter Outline
• Introduction
• Developing Relationships: A Process
• American Friendships
• New Neighbors, Friends, and
Acquaintances
• Conclusion

3. Introduction
One of the distinct pleasures of being a cross-
cultural missionary is the joy of meeting
numerous people of backgrounds radically
different from one’s own. At the same time, it
is also one of the frustrations. Developing
relationships with people of other cultures
takes a long time, and negotiating relational
waters that are filled with eddies and
undertows can be tricky.

4. Developing Relationships:
A Process
• Stage One: Who Are You?
• Stage Two: Let’s Be Friends
• Stage Three: Intimate Friendship

5. Developing Relationships:
A Process
• Whatever the culture, there is an ebb and flow in
developing relationships. While each relationship may be
seen as unique and following its own path, in general three
phases may be seen in relationships across cultures:
• Initial acquaintance
• Developing friendship
• Growth in intimacy
• The separation between the phases may be fuzzy, and
relationships can proceed both backward and forward, but
those three phases typify progress in a relationship.
Further, people may wander back and forth through all
three simultaneously as a relationship develops.

6. Stage One: Who Are You?
• Choosing friends:
• Individualists believe the responsibility lies in each
person; friendships are voluntary associations.
• Collectivists believe the responsibility lies in kinship
and social obligations; friendships are something one is
born into.
• Two barriers to moving through this stage:
• Stereotypes that need to be overcome
• A question to be answered: Are you enough like me to
commit to a deeper relationship?

7. Stage Two:
Let’s Be Friends
• This stage of relationships requires both
parties to consider the risks of changing
enough to accommodate each other. Both
must make some compromises if the
friendship is to be mutually valued.
• Barriers to be overcome:
• Growing emotional openness
• Conflict resolution process that both feel is fair

8. Qualities Necessary for Effective
Interpersonal Relationships
• Kindness
• Patience
• Valuing people
• Politeness
• Thinking the best of others
• Persistence

9. Stage Three:
Intimate Friendship
• This last stage is reached in a relationship only
when at least one party chooses to focus on
developing the friendship.
• Ideals of intimacy vary across cultures:
• The collective person identifies intimacy in terms of the
amount of time spent together, the relative lack of
privacy, mutual dependence, and issues of face.
• The individualist may prefer to maintain a level of
privacy and independence that seems distancing to the
collectivist.
• Any intimate friendship will sooner or later have
to face the need for forgiveness.

10. Seven Realities of Cross-Cultural
Friendships (Hill 1993, 266–68):
• It must be intentional.
• It requires proximity.
• It must appreciate differences and
similarities.
• It will cross economic classes.
• It involves vulnerability.
• It must be selective.
• It must be flexible.

11. American Friendships
• Americans tend to choose their friends based on
spontaneity, mutual attraction, and warm personal
feelings.
• American friendships, though starting fast, tend to
be relatively shallow in comparison with
friendships in other cultures.
• Americans’ relations with their friends are kept
separate from work or social obligations.
• American friendships are formed in shared
activities.

12. New Neighbors, Friends,
and Acquaintances
• Learning to live as a good neighbor is an important
missionary skill.
• Qualities of neighborliness will vary from culture to
culture.
• One of the early adaptations that missionaries must make
is learning what the new “neighborology” is:
• What makes for good neighbors
• What bothers people in the neighborhood
• What roles there are for the stranger who comes to a
new neighborhood

13. Conclusion
• Discipleship is built on relationship. Relational
values and skills are culturally learned, and the
wise cross-cultural worker will invest significant
time in learning how friendships are developed in
that culture so that he or she can disciple well.
• In the end, developing deep relationships in the
host culture is not optional for missionaries who
want to faithfully call others to worship Christ.
• The question is not whether missionaries develop
significant relationships; it is how well they do it.