HOW TO GET YOUR EX BACK Sometimes after a breakup, you realize you still have feelings for your ex and want to be with them again. Asking your ex to get back together can be scary, but if you take your time and learn from the past, there’s a chance they’ll say yes.

1. HOW TO GET YOUR EX BACK
Sometimes after a breakup, you realize you still have feelings
for your ex and want to be with them again. Asking your ex
to get back together can be scary, but if you take your time
and learn from the past, there’s a chance they’ll say yes.
1. Understand the breakup.
What did each of you do to contribute to the breakup? Most
relationship troubles do not crop up unexpectedly,but build
up over time. The odds are good that it wasn't a one-sided
problem and that there were signs that it was coming. Take

2. some time and do some soul searching before you attempt
to get your ex back. You want to make sure you are not
wasting your time or energy on something futile.
According to research, the number one cause of the breakup
of romantic relationships is failure to communicate. If your
relationship was otherwise happy, this problem can often be
fixed by setting clear expectations and openly discussing
frustrations before things explode in a big fight. Other issues
can be harder to overcome, like infidelity or jealousy; but with
work and counseling, even these types of issues are possible
to work through.
2. Recall who initiated the breakup.

3. Was it you? If so, did you do it after careful thought or in a
fit of anger that you now regret? Was it your ex, and did he
or she have specific reasons? Was it a mutual decision?
It is vital that you understand who controlled the breakup and
why it happened in the first place. If it was you, and your ex
was against breaking up, getting back together might be easier
than if it was initiated by your ex in the first place.
3. Interpret your emotions
In the pain and confusion of a breakup, it can be easy to
confuse your emotions, interpreting feelings of loneliness and
hurt as evidence that you need your ex back in your life. In fact,
almost everyone who experiences a breakup initially feels
remorse for the lost relationship, coupled with feelings of

4. anxiety, guilt, depression, and loneliness. Generally, the more
serious the relationship was, the more severe these feelings
tend to be; couples who are married or cohabiting tend to
have the worst breakups, whereas those who were casually
dating tend to have an easier time in the aftermath of a
breakup. But the severity of your feelings does not
automatically mean that you should get back together with
your ex.
Try answering these questions: Do you miss your ex, or do you
miss having a boyfriend or girlfriend? Did he or she make you
feel better about yourself, more secure in the world, and
happier? Do you imagine yourself with this person in the long-
term, even when the excitement of being in love has worn off
and you are stuck in the daily routines of life? If you are only
missing the security of having someone and the excitement of
a dramatic relationship, you can find those things with
someone else in a healthier, more stable relationship.
It is important to take time after breaking up and before trying
to get your ex back to examine your own emotions and decide
if you truly should be with that person. Rekindled relationships
often suffer from a lack of trust and can be more likely to cycle
on-again-off-again with repeated breakups. If you're not 100%
sure that you want to be with this person in the long-term,
avoid further pain by doing your best to get over your ex
instead of pursuing him or her again.

5. 1. Avoid contact for the first month after the break-up.
They will call you if they want to talk. If they don't, nothing you
say or wear will change that. Sometimes, ignoring your ex
makes them feel like you are perfectly fine without them and
are moving on, which is the exact opposite of what they want.
Avoiding contact is not just a passive-aggressive way to make
your ex miss you. It gives you time to do the things you need
to do to prepare yourself for a new relationship (whether it's
with your ex or someone new!). Take time during this month
to get to know yourself as an individual and to work on areas
that you may have let slip during your relationship with your
ex.[2] If you contributed to the breakup, this is the time to
pinpoint your relationship weaknesses and do the hard work
to improve as a human being.

6. This time off will also help you to distinguish between normal
grief after a breakup and a real desire to be with your ex again.
Nearly everyone feels sad after a breakup, even if their ex was
a jerk and they were truly incompatible. Time alone will help
you sort out these feelings.
2. Focus on yourself
Hang out with your friends. Throw yourself into work and
other extracurricular activities. You don't want to seem needy
or like you are waiting for your ex to contact you again.
Researchers have found that people who regain a healthy
sense of self post-breakup recover more quickly from
relationship-related grief.

7. 3. Do not pursue your ex during this time
That means no calling, texting, or asking around about how he
or she is doing. Most importantly, do not ask your ex questions
about why the breakup happened or about whether he or she
is seeing anyone. This comes across as desperate.[5] .
While it is important to not pursue your ex for a month or so,
it's okay to be responsive if he or she pursues you. In other
words, if you get a call, don't hang up on your ex or refuse to
talk. It is not necessary to try to play mind games or play hard
to get, and doing so would have the potential to push him or
her further away, which is the opposite of your goal at this
point.[6]

8. If you do happen to hear through the grapevine that your ex is
seeing someone new, try not to jump to conclusions or let
jealousy set in. By no means should you do anything to try to
thwart a new relationship. Let your ex have some time to find
out if you are really the one; you don't want to force a person
to be with you who really wants to be with someone else.
4. Find out if they are still interested
Before you start trying to win back your ex’s heart, you need
to know whether he or she still cares or not. Knowing if your
ex still cares about you is the first most important clue and hint
that things can still be mended.
You do not need to find out right away, and you definitely
should not send friends to do your investigative work for you.

9. Do not pursue your ex for at least a month after the breakup;
instead, look for subtle hints when you run into him or her at
school or work, social media posts, or comments that your
mutual friends make unsolicited.
Keep in mind that a third of currently cohabiting and a fourth
of married couples experienced a breakup at one point, so if
your ex is still interested there is a good chance you will be
able to win him or her back.
1. Work on your self-esteem
If you struggle with neediness, you're probably a little lacking
in the self-esteem department. You might be looking for your
ex to make you feel better about yourself, but the fact is that

10. you are the only person who can really do that. You shouldn't
base your happiness on someone else. It makes them feel
guilty, obligated and eventually, resentful towards you.
Self-esteem is about believing that you are a person of worth
and that you are adequate the way you are. When it comes to
relationships, it is important that you feel complete and whole
as an individual rather than looking for someone else to
complete you or make your life worthwhile.[8]
To improve your self-esteem, concentrate on your strengths
in all areas: emotional, social, talents and skills, appearance,
and any others that are important to you. For example, you
might have natural empathy, the ability to make people feel
understood, a talent for baking, and gorgeous hair. Focusing
on the positive and ignoring the negative can help you to feel
adequate and valuable as an individual, especially when you
connect the best parts of yourself to helping others.[9] If you
feel useless, make yourself useful! Take your natural empathy
and talent for baking and bake some fresh cookies for your
elderly neighbors.

11. 2. Be the person your ex fell in love with
Try to think back to when the two of you first got together.
What about you did he or she love? Was it your quirky jokes,
or maybe your amazing sense of style. Whatever it may be, try
to rekindle the fire the same way the flame was started before.
Your ex was attracted to you because they felt good with you
and you were fulfilling their emotional needs. How have you
changed (if at all)? Correct bad habits and mistakes, if any. Be
positive around them. Laugh and smile. Always stay positive
to feel good about yourself and make yourself attractive to
others.

12. 3. Improve your appearance
Get a few items of new clothing, alter your hairstyle, hit the
gym, or do your nails. Make yourself stand out and seem fresh
from what your ex remembers of you.
While you do not want to change who you are in order to get
your ex back (because eventually they would leave again, since
the real you has to return at some point), it is always helpful
to be the best you can be. Your ex was attracted to you and
you can try to regain that attraction.

13. 4. Spend time with other people
You don't need to sleep with them, but spending time with
other men or women will let your ex know that you are on the
market for a relationship again. If they are still interested, they
may decide it is time to step in and stop you from looking
elsewhere.
If you are not interested in dating others or leading them on,
meet up with groups for movie night or spend time with a
friend of the opposite sex. Just being around others who are
single might be enough to make your ex a bit jealous.

14. 5. Casually hang out with your ex
Do something non-committal like have a drink with friends or
play miniature golf, including him or her with others. Make it
something friends and first dates alike can do. And whatever
it is, keep it fun and skip out on the serious talks for now.
Every relationship should be built on a firm foundation of
friendship, so it is important to make sure that your friendship
is intact before trying to move to romance territory.[11]
If your ex has fallen into the friend zone (for example, if he or
she says "I'm no longer in love with you"), you might be able
to recreate the experience of falling in love by building
intimacy with your ex. In one study, a researcher had two
strangers stare into each other's eyes and then answer
personal questions (like "What is your biggest fear?" and

15. "What is your best memory from childhood?"). They were able
to create an intimate bond between the strangers, creating
attraction and even the feelings of love. Try spending time
looking into your ex's eyes and asking deep questions and see
if this helps move your relationship back into intimate
territory.
1. Ask your ex to talk with you
After you have taken time together as friends, it is time to have
an honest talk about your history together and whether or not
there might be a romantic future.[13]
Although texting and talking over the computer is a common
way to communicate in an established relationship, intimate

16. discussions like this should be held in person. Invite your ex
over for dinner or head out to your favorite coffee shop.
2. Use the past to your advantage
If your ex really liked a certain outfit of yours, wear it again.
Share a light-hearted memory you had together. Meet at a
familiar place you used to hang out together.
If he or she purchased any special jewelry for you, consider
wearing it when you meet to talk. This will send a pretty clear
message that you still have feelings for him or her.

17. 3. Prepare your words
The first thing that you say to your ex is extremely important.
If you say the wrong words, you will lose the chance to get
them back. You need to understand that even though you're
not together, there is a good chance they still harbor strong
feelings for you.
There are many ways you can approach this conversation, but
one safe way is to say something like, "I've been wanting to
talk to you about our relationship and see how you have
been." Express regret things didn't work out between you and
ask if you can talk about it now that you have some
perspective.
Let the conversation naturally progress. If your ex is doing
great and reports that he or she is seeing other people, you

18. might decide not to waste your time trying to convince him or
her to get back together. But if your ex seems to harbor
feelings for you, you can gradually bring up the possibility of
giving things another try.
4. Apologize
Think deeply about anything you did or didn't do that
somehow contributed to the downfall of the relationship, and
clean the slate by giving your ex a proper apology. Take full
responsibility for the offense, without blaming your ex, giving
excuses, or expecting an apology (or even forgiveness) in
return. It may very well be that your ex contributed to the
situation, but you cannot apologize for someone else; you can

19. only apologize for yourself. Leave him or her out of it and odds
are the apology will be reciprocated.
Avoid using the word "but." "I am sorry, but..." means "I am
not sorry." Also, do not say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or
"I'm sorry if you were offended." This makes it seem like you
are blaming the other person, and is not a real apology.
A true apology should be structured as follows: regret,
responsibility, and remedy. The first step indicates that you
are sorry for what you've done. The second step puts the
responsibility on you without making excuses or blaming
someone else. The final step offers to make it right or change
your behavior in the future. For example: "I just wanted to
apologize for when I blew you off all those times that you
wanted to spend with me. You must've really felt neglected.
I'm going to try really hard from now on, to make it a point to
do more things with you so you won't feel like that again. I'm
glad you gave me your point of view to realize that."

20. 1. Talk
Since communication problems are the number one cause of
breakups, you need to work extra hard as a couple to ensure
that you always keep lines of communication open.[14] When
you get back together, you need to take time to establish
expectations, especially in areas that were problems before.
Make a game plan for how to deal with unmet expectations.
For example, if you broke up with your ex because he or she
spent too much time with friends, talk openly about how much
time is reasonable and how you will negotiate with one
another if you need more time with friends.

21. 2. Remember what caused you to break up
Relationships that are on-again-off-again tend to be volatile
and emotionally unstable. Remembering what caused your
original break up and dealing with those issues can help to
prevent some of the same challenges from cropping up again.
Tread lightly in the areas that you used to disagree. Whatever
issues caused your break-up are likely to still be tender areas
for the both of you. If you struggle with jealousy, family issues,
control issues, or other particular areas, realize that those
issues are going to still be there when the newness wears off
of your reinstated romance.

22. 3. Treat your relationship like a new one
Remember that your first relationship together was not a
successful one; it ended in heartbreak. Treat the second time
like a new relationship, building new rules of engagement.
Take it slow. Don't assume you should pick up where you left
off in your previous relationship, for example, sleeping
together and saying "I love you," which should not come into
play until you've rebuilt your trust.[16]
Get to know one another. Especially if it has been a while since
you were together, you and your ex have both changed as
individuals in that time. Don't assume you know everything
about him or her. Take time to get to know one another again.

23. 4. Consider counselling
Particularly if you were married or in a very serious
relationship and want to continue in a serious relationship,
you are likely to need couples therapy in order to discover the
root of your problems and ensure that you can overcome
them.
Remember that cycling relationships (those that experience
breakups and get back together) tend to have a higher rate of
dissatisfaction, lack of trust, and eventual failure, so be
prepared to put extra work into your new relationship.

24. 1. Watch for signs that your relationship won't work
While you might have strong feelings for this person,
sometimes two people are just not compatible. If your
relationship is toxic, you need to move on rather than trying
to win back your ex. Some signs that your relationship is
troubled beyond repair include:
abuse of any kind. If your ex has ever laid a hand on you to
hurt you, or coerced you to have sex or do other things you
did not feel comfortable doing, then he or she was abusive and
you should not try to win that person back.

25. a lack of respect on either side. If you or your ex call each other
names, belittle each other's accomplishments, or say
disparaging things about one another to your family or friends,
then there is no respect in that relationship. These are all
features of an emotionally abusive relationship.[19] Find
someone who shows you the respect you deserve, and
commit to treating him or her with respect as well.
a history of unfaithfulness. While some relationships can move
on past infidelity, broken trust is extremely hard to repair and
even if you can build it back, it is easily broken again. A
relationship that has experienced infidelity is likely to need
extra support in the form of ongoing counseling to repair
broken trust.

26. 2. Listen to your friends and family
Although you might feel defensive, those who are close to you
and know you well often have good insight into your
relationships. If someone you know and trust has a bad feeling
about your relationship, you should take that as an indication
that there could be trouble.
If you know that a particular friend or family member dislikes
your ex, ask to sit down and discuss why. Find out if it is based
on how the ex treats you or others, knowledge your friend
may have that you don't, or other evidence that might be
meaningful.
3. Accept the break up and move on

27. If none of the steps above have worked for you, and/or if you
have assessed the situation and decided it is not healthy or
wise to continue trying to get your ex back, be sure that you
take time for yourself emotionally to recover from your
broken heart.
According to research, it is important to focus on the best
parts of the breakup and relationship, especially how they
helped you grow as a person, and let yourself forget the
negative experiences. One strategy to help you do this is to
spend 15 to 30 minutes each day for three days in a row
writing about the positive aspects of the breakup.[20]
After those three days, try to let the relationship go. Give
yourself time to just be alone, spending time with family and
friends and doing things you love. When you're in a healthy
place, you can begin looking for love once more
Tips
• There is no question that it is hard to get your ex back.
Keep in mind that it may not work and if it doesn't work,
you want to maintain your control and dignity.
• Some relationships weren't meant to be. Don't keep it
going if the other person is clearly not interested.
• Be aware it takes some time, don't lose your faith.
• Casually bring up past memories or inside jokes to make
him/her feel what they once did.
• Show him that you are fine without him. It will be clear to
him that you aren't an obsessed ex girlfriend, but it will

28. also show him that you're having fun without him, which
may result in him missing you more.
• Keep him/her guessing about a few things happening in
your life, so that he/she misses the times when you
shared everything with them.
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