The document provides tips for husbands to better understand and treat their wives. It discusses acknowledging a wife's perspective during disagreements, showing care for her feelings before solving problems, avoiding arguments when she is upset, demonstrating love through acts of service tailored to her love language, listening without trying to fix things, prioritizing her requests, and validating her emotions even during conflicts. The overall message is that understanding a wife's emotional needs and perspective can help husbands have better relationships.

1. Introduction
Most husbands love their wives and genuinely seek to be good spouses. Most wives do a better job
than most husbands. The following is a collection of tips about how to treat one’s wife better. Since
desire to treat women well isn’t usually a problem, understanding how to treat them becomes the
greatest hindrance. So while the article is about how to treat one’s wife, it will mostly focus on how to
understand them, assuming that, understanding in place, good yet inexperienced husbands will then be
equipped to fill in the blanks for themselves.
1 - Two sides of the coin
It is an apparent fact that human beings have different points of view and, especially in
misunderstandings, seek to justify themselves. In this, men and women are not different, although the
level of difficulty in being able to see one’s spouse’s side varies individually. As a general rule, I have
accepted the fact that, when my wife does something that annoys me, or reacts crossly to something I
have said, and I am beginning to feel annoyed, she is already very annoyed at some things I have been
doing. In these moments, instead of criticizing or complaining, I have found it wise to understand what
caused her to react thusly.
2 - Two phases of resolution
Marriage counselors and relationship experts in general are quick to point out the two phases of solving
or bringing resolution to another’s problems. In marriage, knowledge of these two steps becomes even
more important. Example: Husband comes home and finds wife upset about a problem. Husband,
reacting swiftly and with good intentions, leaps into action solves the problem, or, if unable to solve it
instantly, proposes a quick solution to get by until further action can be taken. He waits expectantly for
praise. His wife, on the other hand, becomes, if possible, even more irritated.
FACT: Men are generally substance over sentiment, while women are sentiment over substance. Guys
don’t know this, so they end up wasting a good deal of effort jumping straight into solving their wives’
problems and receiving only additional frustration in return.
Step 1: Show the other that you have understood the gravity of the problem, and you are sorry for how
this has caused him/her distress, and how you completely think the frustration or disappointment
he/she is feeling is valid, and you understand.
Step 2: Resolving. Once the distressed individual feels that the other has understood, cared about, and
sympathized with, then one can begin to solve the problem, for which he will receive in exchange –
appreciation.
TIP: Often times, acknowledging a problem can be more satisfying to a woman than actually solving it.
If more men knew this, they would save themselves a lot of effort.

2. 3 – Don’t mess with girls when they’re upset
Men have a logic processing center that usually overrides emotion. This better equips them to be
leaders and to be able to make hard decisions for the good of the whole. Women, on the other hand,
have emotional cores in their processors. That means their reality, in the moment, is based on the
emotion they are feeling. From this, we can derive many helpful suggestions in combating their
emotional antics. For example, we now understand why, when upset:
 Women exaggerate
 Turn a single occurrence into chains of repeated violations, often extending before the two even
met
 Say things they don’t mean
 Are hypocritical
General rules for male survival:
1- Don’t tell them to calm down – this gives them the correct impression that you think they’re
overreacting or upset about something miniscule and unimportant (which they are)
2- Don’t correct them for the unjust accusations they will certainly make (Their accusations are
based on emotion, remember, so not even a video recording of the real facts can change their
minds)
3- Don’t give in to the almost overpowering impulse to defend yourself against said charges (the
more you resist, the more upset and inflated the charges will become. What first began as a
charge of insensitivity will end as a conviction for murder if this tactic is pursued vehemently
enough)
4- Don’t try and solve anything (As soon as she calms down, she’ll come to her senses and
probably even say sorry)
So, how do we combat emotion? The simple, but difficult step to addressing feminine concern is to
simply deactivate the logical defense system and open and engage in an emotional offensive. No, this is
not like fighting fire with fire. She has the fire, and she’s going to burn you with it. You must then
counter attack with water, to soothe the emotions she is feeling. The following expressions can be
helpful. “Honey, I am so sorry. I can see how you must feel.” Or, “You’re absolutely right. That was
insensitive of me.” Or, “I love you so much. What can I do to make this right?”
Notice, the above examples make no effort to explain the truths surrounding these misunderstandings.
Any effort at such explanations ruins any previous attempts at pacification and puts the befuddled
husband right back to square one. Example: “Honey, I am so sorry. I had no idea you were feeling that
way. I was just trying to help….” In this case, the husband was doing great right up to “…feeling that
way…” part. Better just stop while you’re ahead.
TIP: While attempting to demonstrate contrition, humility, caring, and love, men must take great care
not to sound sarcastic, robotic, or as though they are just saying what they think they should say. These
things must be from the heart, otherwise they will become water on an oil fire.

3. 4 – How to show love
There are five love languages. Every man must discover the right balance in his own spouse. The love
languages are 1) Words of Affirmation 2) Quality Time 3) Gifts 4) Acts of Service 5) Physical Touch.
There is a great book on the subject, and on the internet, where each of these topics are explained in
detail. This way, one can learn to demonstrate love in such a way that the other understands it as an act
of love. Otherwise, the inexperienced husband (20 years of marriage or less) will find himself wasting
his time and feeling frustrated.
Example: I personally feel that acts of service are the most meaningful type of gift for me. I prefer a
letter, or a “get a free massage” coupon over a new cell phone or clothing. During my first year of
courtship and marriage, I explained my desire to get the thoughtful type of non-expensive presents. As a
result, I got a new cell-phone, a new jacket, and other store-bought items. This left me secretly feeling
frustrated, mostly because of the money.
However, strong and undeterred, for a special occasion, I wrote an “Owner’s Manual” of myself, for my
wife. I also, for our anniversary, wrote and styled a dictionary full of nice and sweet words made better
by thoughtful use of our history and tender inside moments. To which elaborate and time-consuming
effort, I got, “Oh great. You wrote something else. I guess that’s what I get for marrying a writer.”
Needless to say, I haven’t written anything else. For the Christmas after that, I bagged any pre-mediated
cumulative efforts of elaborate thoughtfulness and reached into my wallet for a shopping spree that
would take me to every store in the downtown to find a collection of items that I knew she would
appreciate – a grand total of three hours, instead of three weeks. They were well received and I was
hailed as the perfect husband.
TIP: While women are generally sentiment over substance, and the thoughtfulness of the gift out-weighs
the magnitude of the gift, one does need to take into account his spouse’s love languages, which may
override this stereotypical equation.
5 – Listening
Women have an innate desire to be heard. When men are stressed, they just want to be left alone
while they indulge in some mind-numbing activity such as television or computer games, after which
practice, they feel relieved and ready to get back up and at it. Women on the other hand, interpret the
level of their husband’s love and concern for them based on the amount of time an energy he dedicates
to hearing about her day, her feelings, her job, etc. From this knowledge, we can now see the wisdom
in the following practices.
1. Upon returning home from a hard day’s work, take some time to ask about her day and show
her that she deserves, first and foremost, your full attention. Then, you may proceed to the
mind-numbing activities to deal with your own day.
2. Remember, when you’re talking, you’re not listening.

4. 3. Pay attention to what she’s saying, as she talks and talks and talks and talks. At the appropriate
moments, make clarifying questions that both show that you have listened, and more
importantly, understood.
4. Don’t try and solve anything during the listening phase. As alluded to earlier, she doesn’t want
you to fix anything, she just wants you to shut up and listen!
6 – How women rate their husbands
Although I’m not sure why, I have seen a stark contrast between the way men and women rate the
success of their day-to-day activities. I approach looking at a day’s success kind of like the level-review
of some video game. “Well, I finished with 85% health – well over the average, completed 97% of the
days’ assignments – which took some serious energy to do, and even made at least 10 bonus (sweet)
comments to my wife, so I’m looking at about 1314 points for the day. Not bad!”
Notice, for me, how the base-line is failure and the comfort zone starts around 50%. Anything over that
is extra-mile, praise-worthy, commendable, etc.
Now look at how a woman would review the same day’s activities. “Hmmm, you lost 15% health again,
even though I told you not to, and what? You didn’t do the 3% I asked you to? I can’t believe it! Those
were the 3 most important percent! And I’ll admit, you did make 10 nice comments, which would have
been better if you’d have done the things I asked you to the first time. But still, that will get you up to -
17 points for the day. Better luck tomorrow.”
Notice, the base-line for the women is PERFECTION. Failure is anything less, there is no comfort zone,
and bonus points are only given for exceeded-expectations. As most men have difficulty exceeding
perfection, they may encounter a slight amount of frustration when their nearly super-human efforts
never quite match up. But being aware of this simple fact will help them to re-align their expectations.
7 – She only wants to ask once
Women seem to have several, nearly universal pet-peeves, having to ask more than once being the
foremost. The sin of requiring a second, or even third request to perform a basic action can be
interpreted as uncaring, unwilling, or even malicious intent. In general, I have found that, upon
dropping whatever I’m doing (here the ten-second rule applies. Longer than this, I took too long) and
delving into the given request can earn me a point or two. But if the 30-second window passes, and I
have to be asked again at a later date (Don’t doubt that the woman will stand in the background and
watch you just to count how long you spend not doing what you were supposed to), I will surely get no
points at all. It’s just a matter of how much I can recuperate my failure.
To make matters worse, the triage in my mind functions in three stages. Priority A – The must-do’s of
greatest importance. Priority B – Important things that someone in the family will benefit from, as soon
as I finish the A’s. Priority C – The things that have turned in their résumés and will now wait to be
called.

5. Note, it’s not that the C-Level things are not unimportant, they are, but if everything were level A – like
the woman wants them to be – I’d go crazy, so the ones that won’t stop the world from turning stay
down on Level-C until I’m ready to deal with them, and thus I feel that all is in order, and I can even relax
from time to time.
I have found that, the first time my wife asks me to do something, I accept her request with a good
heart, and consciously sort it somewhere into room C, intending to deal with it after my current
engagements. She then, approaches a second time and complains that time is running out. I mentally
evaluate what she says, decide a week is still more than enough time, but out of consideration for her,
move the request up to Level B. An undetermined amount of time later, she comes again, cross tone in
full deployment, demanding to know why it hasn’t been done yet, and there’s only one day left. I then,
calmly and collectedly withdraw it out of Level-B just as I had planned, stick it at the front of Level-A,
deal with it a full 3-10 hours before the deadline, and give myself a pat on the back for another Mission
Accomplished.
Note: I have to give myself the pat on the back, because, for some reason, my wife isn’t so thrilled.
The following can be some good suggestions for eliminating this type of interaction from the marriage.
1. Make sure to stop what you’re doing and dedicate your one-track mind to whatever she is
asking you to do, while she’s asking. This can decrease the already slight chance of forgetting, or
never really understanding what she wanted you to do in the first place.
2. Make plans about how you’ll do it. Discussing with her your intentions to wait until 3-10 hours
before the deadline to perform said task will certainly lessen the chance of misunderstandings.
While it may not thrill her, at least she’ll feel like you’ve assumed the responsibility and she
won’t freak out when you take longer to do it than she’d like.
3. Just stop what you’re doing and get it out of the way as much as possible. (The secret women
don’t tell you about, is that their list is like Santa Clause’s sack. They don’t tell you, because they
want you to think you can actually do it all. Hence, a man must ration his strength, or he’ll work
himself to death.)
8 - She needs to see that her feelings are important to you
Men and women often seek validation in different ways, although this also varies from person to
person. I personally require a good amount of Words of Affirmation upon completing a task or having a
hard day. This helps me to feel understood an appreciated.
Women, on the other hand, need to feel that their feelings are important to you. More important than
the argument you had with her. More important than the feelings you may be feeling. And even more
important than being right. Does this mean being right doesn’t matter? Does it mean that the
frustration you may also be feeling in the moment is of little consequence? Not really. Let’s look at the
following example.

6. The couple has an argument about a hot topic. Feelings get inflamed quickly and harsh words are
spoken. At this point, the man resolves to end the discussion and goes to watch television as a way of
letting the steam hiss out his ears. He wants to let her have it, defend himself, and really put this topic
to rest, but, trying to be a good husband, swallows it all down. He thinks she owes him an apology for
the things she said, and he also thinks he was the more controlled of the two, and for this deserves a
medal.
The woman on the other hand, also frustrated, and also stinging emotionally, employs her tactic most
hated by men. She cries. Men don't hate crying. But crying, you see, is understood by women to be the
wild-card, the all-bets-are-off, get-out-of-jail-free card, which men don’t have, and they expect men to
treat it as such, which is why they hate it.
While she cries, the man can either sit on the couch, feeling rotten himself, or he can put himself aside
and do as expected, and make sure she’s okay, even though she should be the one apologizing to him.
At first, that would seem unfair, but upon a deeper reflection, it still seems unfair. Understanding
changes this perspective.
We now understand that women expect their man, upon seeing their distress, to rush to their aid. This
is because, to one degree or another, women have a bit of a fantasy hard-wired into their emotions, in
which, they are the princess. If you want to make a woman really happy, then become her prince. It’s
easy enough to do while dating, but slightly challenging to do once married.
In short, it’s much better for the woman, and in turn, the man, for him to put her first and reaffirm to
her that her happiness is of summate importance, and that he will fight for her. He can defend himself
later. Don’t complain! You wanted to be married, so just take the whole package and be happy! This is
part of being a man.
9 – How to Communicate
Communication is one of the most complicated and intricate aspects of social interaction. For example,
we have body language, hand language, spoken language, and even messages we send between the
lines. Whole volumes of books have and still yet be written about each area. If you really want to know,
go find one and read it. Or instead, you can read the following tips and save yourself the tedium which
even contemplating such an idea can cause members of the male gender to feel.
1. Focus on the positive, and leave out the bad as much as possible. It takes nine compliments to
erase one complaint. Make sure your relationship maintains this ratio.
2. Approach difficult subjects with an attitude of love and mutual understanding.
3. Demonstrate respect for her opinions by considering and offering opinions on them, asking for
clarification etc, before proposing alterations. If you really have the team spirit, you’ll try to
make her ideas better, rather than substituting them for your own. In this case, 1 + 1 can = 3.

7. 4. Make a deal with her for both parties to “meet in the middle” and then remind each other of it
frequently. If meeting in the middle is hard, then take turns.
5. Evaluate choices based on a 1-10 scale. For example, ask, “How much would you like to watch a
movie tonight?” And not, “Do you feel like a movie?” This will help eliminate the chance of you
both watching a movie that neither of you wanted to see, both thinking the other did.
6. When approaching problems, do it from a, “I feel….about…”, neutral stance, instead of the
offensive, “You make me feel…when you…” Everyone’s heard this since high-school!
7. Hold regular couple inventories where you talk openly and freely about your relationship,
marriage, and family, where both know their feelings will be met with appreciation and support.
This type of open communication, especially when matters are good, helps to solidify the trust
in the relationship and improves the problem-solving atmosphere should a misunderstanding or
conflict of opinions occure.
10 – When to Communicate
As a general rule, it’s easier to know when not to communicate (with the intention of resolving
anything).
1. During, or immediately after fights.
2. When either member is stressed, hurt, or troubled.
3. PMS (Seriously, any type of tense conversation, and especially anything involving the
relationship should be avoided for at least three days. You’ll thank me later.)
During all these moments, understanding and communicating support, love, etc. is the best choice. But
we can’t always just say wonderful loving things. (Actually, we could. And if we did, you wouldn’t need
to keep reading. But since we usually don’t, you’d better check out the following tips about when to
have the more difficult conversations)
1. Pick a time when both of you are good, and tell her in advance you’d like to talk to her about
said topic, and when. This way you can both approach with possible solutions, whenever
possible.
2. Pick a time when she is not frantically trying to do something else. (Ex. Change the baby’s
diaper, get something out of the oven before it burns, talking on the telephone, putting out an
oil fire, doing shopping at the super-market, talking to her mother, etc.)
3. Ask her how she’s feeling, what she feels about this or that, and then approach the troubling
topic, especially if your subject could make her feel guilty or blamed. She’ll react a thousand
times better if she feels understood and appreciated going into one of those thunderstorms.
11 – What to Communicate

8. Common logic dictates that not every complaint or negative thought passing through your mind needs
to be said. Not even all of your spouse’s shortcomings need to be brought to his/her attention. I
generally take the following advice about all the above: Don’t do that. If that fails, I then go to the next
plan of action: Do it as little as possible, or only when her continued delinquency will cause bodily harm.
People tend to react as they are treated by others. Hence, treating her as the perfect wife is much more
likely to produce perfect-wife-shaping results more than haggling her about her character-flaws. I follow
the philosophy that a women may not be perfect, but she can be perfect for me, thanks to all the
chances that she gives me to be selfless, understanding, and most of all, PATIENT.
12 - Criticism – There is no “nice” way
I’ll admit that I faced a certain amount of befuddlement during my early marriage at my spouse’s
reaction to criticism in any way. Even my most careful, constructive, “You do that wrong” didn’t take. I
even tried the, “I’m saying this to make you more happy,” or “Because I love you” approach, but to no
avail. Every time ended with sad eyes, heavy hearts, and a general feeling in my gut that I had just taken
candy from a baby and eaten in the infant’s face. This of course, frustrated me. I wanted a simple, “Do
this different, and I’ll be happy.” Or a nice, “Oh, thanks for telling me. I’m sorry. I’ll do that better.”
But no, I always ended up being the bad-guy. Take the following conversations as example:
Conversation 1:
Woman: I hate it when you do that!
Man: I’m sorry.
Woman: No, seriously, you totally ruined my life!
Man: I’m Sorry.
Conversation 2:
Man: I hate it when you do that!
Woman: I’m sorry.
Man: You totally ruined my life!
Woman: Hey! I already said I was sorry. Now you’re making me feel terrible!
Man: I’m sorry.
Take it from me; men are never going to come out on top in one of these. Just deal with it. Although it
will never be scientifically proved, I think the reason for this is that most women give 110% of everything
they have to their husbands, in effort, deeds, and love. They try to the limit of their capacity, giving and
giving and giving, to the point that we, in comparison, would look like ungrateful brutes to even hint at a
complaint – which we do anyway, being the brutes that we are. So when, after taking their all-out
efforts to make us happy and giving back an occasional thought to balance things out in a 3 – 1 ratio, we
criticize them, that is like spitting on the widow’s mite.
BEST ADVICE FOR CRITICISM: Swallow it, and say something nice instead.

9. 13 – How to spend your time
While there are dozens of great, entertaining ways to spend your time, spending it in marriage usually
means spending it like the woman wants you to. Or at least, that’s what she’ll try to make of it. This
means, never stopping, sitting down, and especially DOING NOTHING. It must appear at times like you
get home, she wants you to fix the toilet, hold the baby and give her attention at the same time. Trying
to do anything for yourself, in this environment, may prove frustrating to both sides.
So how do we spend time wisely? At first glance, simply doing what the woman wants. This can avoid a
majority of the frustration…at least on her side. There’s got to be another way! You say? Luckily for
you, there is! A wise use of time, does not mean an over-use of time. Women can be reasonable
creatures, although men don’t know it. Again referring to the sentiment over substance paradigm. If a
man comes straight homes and plops himself down in front of the TV the woman will think, “He only sits
in front of the TV! I stay with the baby all day, cook, clean, and even work! I have all this stuff to do,
and he doesn’t care! The toilet needs fixing, the baby needs changing, I have to make work, and he just
sits in front of the TV all day and never helps!”
So you’ve got to get her sentiment. Come home, talk to her for five minutes. Fix the toilet without
being asked (Another five minutes). Already, she’s thinking, “What a good husband. Look how he takes
such good care of me. We worked so hard. He’s probably tired to. I think I’ll take the baby and let him
watch some television!”
Warning: If you try this, and it works as indicated, just smile and wave!
14 – Surprises
Women love surprises! They get all giggly and happy at the mere thought of it. Sometimes, they hint
that they would like to be surprised a little. (Generally after months of neglect. They’re very resilient
with under-appreciation.) Men, on the other hand, hear the word surprise and already start to feel their
wallet—I mean heart—ache. Again, sentiment over substance, guys! Unless you’re an eighty-five-year-
old billionaire with a heart problem, and your wife is a model in her twenties, she will probably be more
touched by a flower and a letter, than by a string of pearls. (For under-appreciated creatures, they sure
can soak up a bit of thoughtfulness now and then.)
TIP: With some women, the key ingredient is not surprise, nor is it cost. When women think of surprise,
what they really want is to get something without having to ask half a dozen times!!! A surprise can be
as simple as going to the store on the way home from work and getting something for a dinner you
know she wanted to cook. She would probably send you back for it once you got home anyway. So you
can either do it as the servant, dragging his feet, or as prince charming. Take your pick.
Women, have the idea that, “If he loves me, he’ll…” And they generally finish it with several one of
equally humorous sentiments such as, “…do the dishes without being asked! …notice I need something
and get it for me without being asked! …fix the toiled without being asked! …take me out to eat,
without being asked!“ Etc, etc. The common denominator in each would be, a spontaneous act of

10. thoughtfulness on the male’s part, without her having to bribe, threaten, beg, or drive him to it. This, to
a woman, is a wonderful moment to be celebrated!
15 – The Key to Romance
Actually, this key is so important, that I could have substituted “romance” for “happiness”, “success in
marriage”, or “Life,” But I put “romance” because it sounds more interesting. And the key is:
Consistency.
Try doing nice things for her the whole day, drop one un-thoughtful remark, and then try to have a
happy evening! You’ll see what I mean! The great secret to happiness is, if she isn’t happy, no one will
be!
16 – Appreciation
Do I really need to say anything else? If you haven’t gotten the idea yet, I’m not sure there’s much hope
for you. (For those of you without much hope, I’ll spell it out: You could spend all the energy and
faculties of your soul trying to thank and praise her enough for the things she does and you’d still come
up short.) However, sometimes when she’s being just a little pushy, bossy, needy, naggy, or critical of
you, it might be a good idea to mentally review the following tips:
1. Tell her you love her in as many different ways as you can each day
2. Leave her notes to find
3. Call her out of the blue to ask if she’s okay
4. Tell her you miss her, want to be with her, are glad you married her, etc. as often as occasion
adequately permits.
5. Buy her small tokens of thoughtful affection
6. Leave thoughtful objects or surprises for her to find
7. Give her a “girl’s-night out”
8. Arrange things for her that she may appreciate and not get much, like a trip to the mall with her
friends
9. Help in the kitchen
10. Help in the house
11. Change diapers and spend time with the baby
12. Make her surprise meals
Best of all: Just love her as hard as you can! Try to incorporate one or two of the ideas in these pages
into your efforts, and you can sleep well at night that you know how to treat your wife!
Daniel C Farr