The document discusses 8 reasons why it is taboo to monitor an alcoholic or addict's recovery process. Some of the key reasons given are that monitoring could undermine their trust in the recovery program and foster resentment, it is important for the addict to share their recovery progress independently to feel pride in their accomplishments, and having unrealistic expectations for their recovery could lead to unnecessary grief if they relapse. The overall message is that the recovery process belongs to the addict alone and others should avoid intrusiveness while still providing support.

1. 8 Reasons Why it’s A Taboo To Monitor The
Alcoholic/Addicts In Their Recovery.
From Heartache to Hope: Life with the Alcoholic/Addict - by
Carole Bennett, MA
The alcoholic/addict in your life has finally decided to head down the path of recovery.
They have admitted and come to the realization that their life is in a nose dive due to substance
abuse and out of control behavior. Maybe they have "hit their bottom" because of infractions with the
law, losing their job or losing their family and home. Whatever the reason, they have decided to get
help.
As a loving and supportive family or friend, your first inclination might be to roll up your sleeves and
immerse yourself in their recovery program with them. Though difficult to step back, please do so as
this is their decision and their program, not yours. It will be mapped out their way not yours. Whether
they fail or succeed it is their path not yours. Be their cheering section from the bleachers not
running the play book on the field. Here are eight reasons why your involvement is not constructive
or healthy for either you or them;
1) Unless you are sitting right next to them at a 12-step meeting, out-patient rehabilitation program or
counseling session, you have no idea if they have attended the meeting or session. They may stay
for 15 minutes or walk in the front door and right out the back. Even if asked, you may not know if
they are telling you the truth.
2) Though it sounds harsh, it's none of your business. They may participate in some recovery
program or not. Either way it is their decision and doesn't concern you or your daily activities.
3) Monitoring or quizzing could be construed as not trusting or checking up on them. Resentments
can form toward you, or from the family or friend toward the alcoholic/addict. These resentments can
turn volatile and an engagement could result in a combative discussion.
4) If they are comfortable in their recovery program and starting to find satisfaction
in understanding their addiction, they will bring it to you without your prompting. It's important they
share this as their special kind of a pride. If you ask, you are taking away their chance to "boast".
5) 12-step meetings (or any other kind of recovery interactions) are personal. The newly recovering
alcoholic/addict may be embarrassed or ashamed to have to be "going through this". Your monitoring
might be keeping the shame alive.
6) The more you treat the recovery process as "standard operating procedure," the more the
alcoholic/addict will take their recovery in stride and hopefully start to accept it as a way of life.
7) Beware of your own co-dependency regarding all of the above. This is usually the toughest
concept for my clients to master, as for many years they have been hog-tied to their loved ones
substance abuse issues. The family member or friend might actually find comfort in their discomfort
with their interactions pertaining to the alcoholic/addict. Rescuing, co-dependency and enabling may
have turned into a daily life style as they have intertwined their life so concretely with the
alcoholic/addict. Ask yourself: are really ready to shed the ties that bind you to the alcoholic/addict
and if your life can take on a new independence and fulfillment without the dependency of "baby
sitting" their loved one.

2. 8) Be mindful of your expectations. If you don't monitor the recovery process, it might help you to stay
realistic about your loved ones recovery. Clean and sober days may not necessarily mean forever
days. Stay grounded and centered, so if there is a relapse bump in the road you won't be angry,
resentful or devastated if they fail.
Sure, you can be disappointed and even concerned ... what family member or friend wouldn't be?
But, curbing your expectations and not pinning your hopes and desires on things that are not in your
control may very well save you a lot of useless grief and hand-wringing. They will either pick
themselves up and dust themselves off and start again or not.
If the alcoholic/addict invites you into their recovery, make sure that they lead the conversation. Don't
become nosy or intrusive and keep in mind that you are asking not grilling. The words you use are
crucial; but tone, inflection and physical gestures can strongly affect your communication and the
difference between a positive or negative one.
Please don't meet the alcoholic/addict at the door hoping that all has gone well in the land of
recovery. If you are anxious, then they will pick up on that and either be anxious as well, or avoid you
and your questions all together.
A good, solid conversation about recovery could pave the way to more in the future and establish a
trust and bond between the two of you.
If the alcoholic/addict terminates the conversation then let it be. The alcoholic/addict knows that you
care; that you are worried, love them and only want them to succeed and live a fruitful and productive
life.
The more they can do on their own, accomplish on their own without you quizzing or monitoring, the
better chance they have to succeed. Let them proudly wave the flag of victory while you applaud from
the grandstand.
If I can be of service, please get in touch with me via the contacts below and I invite you to our
Family Support Programme & Al-anon Family Groups Meetings every Saturday from 10am -
12pm at Nairobi Place to explore further for your own benefit and that of the Alcoholic/Addict in your
life.
Name: Martin Kunga
Title: Psychological Counselor/Addictions Counselor
Cell phone: (+254) 0723596777
Email address: +254723596777/martin@nairobi-place.org/mmkunga@gmail.com