Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck A New Psychology of Love, Traditional

1. ROAD LESS
TRAVELED
BOOKCLUB
180721
Part 2: LOVE
Love Is Not A Feeling
The Work of Attention
The Risk of Loss
The Risk of Independence
The Risk of Commitment
The Risk of Confrontation

2. PREVIOUSLY
Chapter 1 – Discipline
Chapter 2 – Love
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3. Problems & Pain
+ Life is difficult, but we have discipline as a tool to overcome it
+ Problem? Take time to analyze, then develop effective solution
+ There’s no way to avoid problem
Neurosis & Character Disorder
+ Examine yourself. Accept. Fix.
Escape from Freedom
+ Accept your problem
+ As a human, you have CHOICE
Dedication to Reality, Transference & Challenge
+ The outdated map > UPDATE it
+ Painful, but as long as we are disciplined. . .
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4. Love Defined
+ Human spiritual evolution = discipline = LOVE
+ Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose
of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”
Falling in Love
+ FALLING IN LOVE is effortless = LOVE is efforful.
The Myth of Romantic Love
+ There’s no life like fairy tales of princes and princesses.
Ego Boundaries
+ Ego boundaries must be hardened before they can be softened
+ An identity must be established before it can be transcended
+ One must find one's self before one can lose it (give it up)
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5. Love ≠ Dependency
A Freedom fulfill your live to the fullest,
that’s really matter in your relationship
Cathexis without Love
Investment of emotional significance in an activity,
object or idea but limited in communication
Love = Growing
Cathexis = Not Growing
Self- Sacrifice
There are so much misleading meanings about self sacrifice.
So many people do everything to others but losing themselves.
Because its real meaning is, whatever we do for someone else,
because it fulfills our needed, our saisfaction
Depedency
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6. LOVE IS NOT A
FEELING
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7. LOVE IS NOT A FEELING
LOVE IS AN ACTION
An act full of developing love
A genuinely loving individual will
often take loving and constructive
action toward a person
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8. WHAT IS THE FEELING OF LOVE?
Feeling of LOVE is about Cathecting
Cathecting: A process by which an object
become important to us.
This “Love Object” is invested with our
energy as if it were a part of ourselves.
This relationship is called Cathexis
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10. LOVE IS NOT A FEELING
We often think love is a feeling because we confuse
cathecting with loving.
But basically, both are different.
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11. CATHECTING VS LOVING
We may cathect any object, with or without spirit.
We feel love for these things
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12. CATHECTING VS LOVING
Cathecting doesn’t mean we care for the spiritual development
(dependent person fears this spiritual development)
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13. CATHECTING VS LOVING
Our cathexes may be fleeting and momentary.
No wisdom or commitment at all
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14. LOVE IS NOT A FEELING
Genuine love
1.Implies commitment
2.The exercise of wisdom
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Commitment is necessary to manifest our concern effectively

15. LOVE IS NOT A FEELING
Commitment:
Regularly, routinely attend to each other no matter how they feel.
We always fall out of love.
This is the opportunity for genuine love to begin
The love begins to be tested
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16. LOVE IS NOT A FEELING
Genuine and Transcendent Love is
distinguished with the word “Will”
Love is the will to extend oneself for
the purpose of nurturing one’s own
and another’s spiritual growth
A Decision to love.
A Commitment to be loving.
Avoid acting on feelings of love
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17. LOVE IS NOT A FEELING
Our capacity to be loving is LIMITED
We must CHOOSE whom to FOCUS.
Whom to DIRECT our WILL to Love.
TRUE LOVE is a committed, thoughtful decision.
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18. Being cathected is not always loved. Therefore being loved is
not always cathected, but growed up. Together.
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19. THE WORK OF
ATTENTION
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20. THE WORK OF ATTENTION
Definition of LOVE implied EFFORT
LOVE is always either WORK or COURAGE,
requires extension of ourselves.
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21. THE WORK OF ATTENTION
The principal form that the WORK of love takes is ATTENTION.
We attend to that’s person’s growth.
We make effort to set aside our existing preoccupations.
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22. THE WORK OF ATTENTION
We can exercise our ATTENTION by LISTENING
Most of us listen very poorly.
Since child, we are used to just read.
Schools never taught us to talk or listen well.
In Fact, what we will do more as an Adult is listening well.
Listening well is an exercise of attention and hardwork.
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23. THE WORK OF ATTENTION
TRUE LISTENING = Total Concentration = Manifestation of Love
Feel to be in their shoes.
Accept them, make them to be stronger.
Set aside time for it, make sure the conditions are supportive
Speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more.
Growth is relationship begun.
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24. THE WORK OF ATTENTION
What we usually do: Listening Selectively
Never truly listen to each other.
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25. THE WORK OF ATTENTION
Other form of ATTENTION
1.Do activity together
2.Accompany them, keep them around
One big conclusion, they involve TIME
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26. THE WORK OF ATTENTION
Quality of Attention = Intensity of Concentration
Balancing them gives countless opportunities to observe and get to
know the speaker well.
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27. THE WORK OF ATTENTION
LOVE is WORK
NON-LOVE is LAZINESS
If we were less lazy, we would do them more often or better
When you want to love or be loved, don’t be lazy!
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28. RISK OF LOSS
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29. Risk of Loss
The act of love-extending
oneself-, requires a moving
out againts of laziness
(work) or the resistance
engendered by fear
(courage).
When we extend ourselves,
our self enters new and
unfamiliar territory.
We change...
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30. Risk of Loss
Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the
making of action in spite of fear. On some
level spiritual growth, and therefore love,
always requires courage and involves risk. It
is the risking of love that we will now
consider.
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31. Case: A woman in late forties who always alone
everywhere. She cathects no other living thing due
to her too much fear of loss and rejection.
Risk of Loss
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32. The essence of life is change, a panoply of
growth and decay. Elect life and growth, and
you elect change and the
prospect of death.
Risk of Loss
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33. RISK OF
INDEPENDENCE
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34. Risk of Independence
The process of growing up usually occurs very
gradually, with multiple little leaps into the
unknown
Many never take any of these potential enormous
leaps, and consequently many do not ever
really grow up at all.
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35. Risk of Independence
Case: a Child who is brave enough to take enormous and
different leap for his life. He follows his passion and take
the path of live which much different from around him.
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36. RISK OF
COMMITMENT
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37. The Risk of Commitment
Whether it be shallow or not, commitment is the
foundation, the bedrock of any genuinely loving
relationship.
Deep commitment VS Shallow Commitment
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38. The Risk of Commitment
Commitment  Falling in love
to Genuine Love
Shallow Commitment, would it
be good in the end?
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39. The Risk of Commitment
Case: An young woman feels insecure with her marriage. She is afraid to be
abandoned by her husband eventough her spouse is very kind.
Lack of secure and some injuries in the childhood made her like this
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40. RISK OF
CONFRONTATION
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41. Risk of Confrontation
Black or
White
Wrong
or Right
AnnoyanceAngry
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42. Risk of Confrontation
For the truly loving person the act of
criticism or confrontation does not come
easily. Genuine love recognizes and respects
the unique individuality and separate identity
of the other person.
The truly loving person, valuing the
uniqueness and differentness of his or her
beloved, will be reluctant indeed to assume,
"I am right, you are wrong; I know better than
you what is good for you."
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43. Two ways to confront or criticize another
human being
With instinctive and
spontaneous certainty that
one is right
A belief that one is probably
right arrived at through
scrupulous self-doubting and
self-examination.
Risk of Confrontation
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44. So based on those reason, it
doesn’t mean we are not allowed to
confront or criticize other, we
always NEED those confrontation
but we can do in a better way to
make an enlightenment
Risk of Confrontation
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45. THANK YOU