Joke and funny dialogues

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The Perfect Son
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect
son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next
Wednesday.
Mice family
A family of mice was surprised by a big
cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-
wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that,
Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son,
that's why it's important to learn a second
language."
Wooden leg
My friend said he knew a man with a
wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his
other leg?"
It hurts
A man goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoul-
der, it really hurts. If I touch my knee -
OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really,
really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong
with you - you've broken your finger!"
The spoon
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye
whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug
before you drink.
Attention
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me!
Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays
any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
Ten dollars
Two boys were arguing when the teacher
entered the room. The teacher says, "Why
are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We
found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it
to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves,"
said the teacher, "When I was your age I did-
n't even know what a lie was." The boys gave
the ten dollars to the teacher.
Boy or girl
A: Just look at that young person with the
short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A:Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you
were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
The first day
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at
school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go
back tomorrow?
I don't know!
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle
of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
Attaining wisdom
Once someone asked Hodja, "How can
one attain wisdom?" Hodja replied, "Always
listen attentively to what the wise and
learned men tell you. And when you are
speaking to others, listen carefully to what
you are saying!"

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Egyptian flu
Did you hear about the pharaoh who had
Egyptian flu?
He caught it from his mummy'!
A cup of coffee
Bobby -Pa, does a cup of coffee do any
harm?
Pa - No, Bobby.
Bobby -That's lucky! I've just spilled one
over your new suit.
Policeman
What do you get if you dial 666?
A policeman standing on his hands!
French
Smith-Did you have much trouble with
your French when you went to Paris?
Adams -No, But the Parisians did!
Twins
Dan -My girlfriend's one of twins.
Dave -How can you tell them apart?
Dan -Her brother's got a beard!
New house
Where does a king go to buy a new house?
Newcastle!
First day at school
Uncle -How did you like your first day at
school, David?
David -Oh, it wasn't bad, but there was a
big man in front who kept spoiling all the fun.
Thief
Policeman -This man is charged with steal-
ing an elephant, sir.
Judge -Search him!
Glasses
Joe -Do your glasses magnify, Mum?
Mum -Yes, Joe.
Joe -Well, please take them off when you
cut me my piece of tart.
A bargain
The Hodja always wanted to learn some-
thing new, and one day he had a sudden
inspiration to learn how to play the lute. He
approached a music teacher and asked him,
"How much do you charge for private lute
lessons?" "Three silver pieces for the first
month; after that one silver piece a month."
"Oh, great!" exclaimed Hodja. "Then I'll start
with the second month."
Seasons
Teacher -How many seasons are there in
the year?
Sandy -Two, sir: football and basketball.
Twenty times
McDonald -I know a man who shaves
more than twenty times a day.
McDougall -Who?
McDonald -A barber.
Flies
Why were the flies playing football on the
saucer?
Because they were playing for the cup!
Get your coat on
What did the big tooth say to the small
tooth? ''Get your coat on, the dentist is tak-
ing us out!''
He forgot
Sister -How did Mum find out you hadn't
washed yourself?
Brother -I forgot to wet the soap!

Taxi
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Grave
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his
grave.
Short talk
A teenage girl had been talking on the
phone for about half an hour, and then she
hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short.
You usually talk for two hours. What hap-
pened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
Punishment
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for
something I didn't do?"
TEACHER: "Of course not."
PUPIL:"Good, because I haven't done my
homework."
Fifty five
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write
the other 5!
May I!
Little Johnny:Teacher, can I go to the
bathroom?
Teacher:Little Johnny, MAY I go to the
bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Idiot
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad:An idiot is a person who tries to
explain his ideas in such a strange and long
way that another person who is listening to
him can't understand him. Do you under-
stand me?
Son: No.
End of the world
Man:I could go to the end of the world for
you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Let's share
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank
account.
A hundred dollar bill
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a
hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping
him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Thump in the soup
Customer:Excuse me, but I saw your
thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't
hot.
Cheap apartment
The real estate agent says, "I have a
good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the
month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage
dump.."
Funnier
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear
it."
Which part
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
Decisions
Teacher: Do you have trouble making
decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

Simple present
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the
verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk....
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker
please.
The student: I run. You run...
The dishes
Father: What did you do today to help
your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter:And I helped pick up the pieces.
Breakfast
A:Look at your face I know what you have
for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
Race
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
Vampire
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by
a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your
neck leaks.
The blood
A: When I stand on my head the blood
rushes to my head, but when I stand on my
feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why
is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
Homework
Teacher: Did your father help you with
your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Questions
One day a neighbor inquired of Hodja,
"Why do you always answer a question with
another question?" He replied, "Do I?"
Sugar
Teacher: What are some products of the
West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you
get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
Werewolf
I used to be a werewolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
Stop
"Spell STOP three times."
"STOP, STOP, STOP "
"What do you do when you come to a
green light?"
(Answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
Frog
In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog
in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Pretty ugly
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm
ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

Big men
A visitor to the Mid West asked: 'Any big
men ever born in this town?'
'No,' came the reply. 'Just little babies.'
William Shakespeare
A guide was showing tourists around the
museum at Strafford upon Avon.
'This is the skull of William Shakespeare,'
he told the group.
'But it's the skull of a boy!' exclaimed one
tourist.
'Yes,' said the guide, blushing. 'That must
have been when he was a lad.'
Stop screaming!
Dentist: 'Stop screaming! I haven't even
touched your tooth. In fact you're not on the
chair yet.'
Boy: 'I know, but you're standing on my
foot!'
How long?
Customer: 'Excuse me, but how long have
you been working here?'
Waitress: 'About three months, sir.'
Customer: 'Oh. Then it couldn't have been
you who took my order.
Nine o'clock
Angry employer: 'You should have been
here at nine o'clock.'
Late employee: 'Why, what happened?'
Messages
Boss: 'Did you take any messages while I
was out?'
Young secretary: 'No. Are any of them
missing?'
Fly
'Waiter! There is a fly in my soup.'
'Would you prefer it to be served sepa-
rately?'
Magician
'No sir, that's the chef. The last customer
was a magician doctor.'
Fly soup
'I know sir it's a fly soup.'
Insecticide
'Oh, dear, it must have committed insecti-
cide.'
Meat
'That's the meat, sir.'
Brakes
Driving instructor: 'What would you do if
you were coming down that very steep hill
into town and your brakes failed?'
Learner: 'Hit something cheap?
Profit
Customer: 'But if it costs ten pounds to
make these watches, and you sell them for
ten pounds where does your profit come in?'
Shopkeeper: 'From repairing.'
The wrong answer
Teacher: 'If I were to ask you to add 9731
to 237 and then halve it, what do you think
you would get?'
Simon: 'The wrong answer, sir'
Heaven
Sunday school teacher: 'Now, Jonathan,
can you tell me what sort of people goes to
Heaven?'
Jonathan: 'Dead ones Miss.'

Pies
I went into a bakery, I said: 'How much for
these two pies?'
The girl behind the counter said: '90
pence.'
I said: How much is it for one?'
She said: '60 pence.'
I said: 'I'll have the other one.'
Farmer
'I bet you don't know how many sheep
there are in this field?' said the English
farmer to the Irish visitor.
The Irishman glanced around the field and
then replied: 'Three hundred and eighty-six.'
The farmer was astonished. 'That's incred-
ible! You're perfectly right. How did you man-
age it?'
'Oh, it was quite simple,' said the
Irishman. 'I just counted the number of legs
and divided by four.'
Bath
'Are you going to take a bath?'
'No - I'm going to leave it where it is:'
Mother kangaroo
The mother kangaroo suddenly leapt into
the air and gave a cry of pain and anguish.
'Sidney!' she screamed. 'How many more
times do I have to tell you that you cannot
smoke in bed!'
Camel
A camel decided to educate his who he
thought was getting a little inquisitive.
'Why do we have two humps?' asked the
son. 'That's so that we can go for days and
weeks without water. We can store it in the
humps.'
'Why do we have very long eye lashes?'
'That,' he was told, 'is to protect the eyes
from the sand in a sand storm.'
'And why do we have bulbous looking
feet?' 'That is so that we can travel twice as
fast through the desert.'
'Dad,' asked the young camel, 'what the
hell are we doing in this zoo?'
Shape of the earth
'What's the shape of the earth?' the
teacher asked Willie.
'Round.'
'How do you know it's round?'
'All right, it's square. I don't want to start
an argument.'
Bright class
Visitor: 'You must have an unusually
bright class. Whenever you asked a ques-
tion-no matter how difficult-every student
raised his hand.'
Teacher: 'They're just average students.
Confidentially, the explanation for their
hand-raising is that whenever we have a vis-
itor, all students raise the right hand; those
who don't know the answer raise the left
hand.'
Desert island
'Suppose you found yourself on a desert
island, Bob,' said the teacher,' and could
have only one book. Which book would you
prefer?'
'After thinking a moment, Bob replied,
'Boat Building for Amateurs.'
New bicycle
Little Johnny, exhibiting his skill in riding a
new bicycle, came down the street in front of
his house. 'Look, Mum,' he cried, folding his
arms, 'no hands!'
Again he came into view, this time coast-
ing with his feet off the pedals. 'Look, Mum,'
he shouted, 'no feet!'
Half an hour passed, and Johnny again put
in his appearance. This time, somewhat sub-
dued (softened) he gurgled, 'Look, Mum no
front tooth.'

Ten men in a boat
Teacher to class: 'There were ten men in a
boat and it tipped over; nine men got their
hair wet, but the other man didn't get his
hair wet. Can one of you tell me why?'
Class clown: 'Because the other man was
bald.'
Who is this speaking?
Voice over telephone: 'Tommy Hagan
won't be in school today.'
Teacher: 'Who is this speaking, please?'
Voice: 'This is my father speaking.'
Resolution
Tim: 'What's your New Year's resolution?'
Frank: 'To be much less conceited.'
Tim: 'Will that be difficult to maintain for
a year?'
Frank: 'Not for someone as clever and
intelligent as me.'
Fishing
Young Harold was late for Sunday school,
and the minister asked the cause. 'I was
going fishing, but Father wouldn't let me,'
announced the lad.
'That's the right kind of father to have,
'replied the reverend gentleman. 'Did he
explain the reason he would not let you go?'
'Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough
for two.'
Return ticket
Customer: 'A return ticket, please.'
Airline reservation clerk: 'Where to, sir?'
Customer: 'Back here, please.'
Landlady
When I lived in lodgings my landlady kept
some animals in the yard at the back of the
house.
The first day I was there, one of the chick-
ens died, so we had chicken soup.
The next day, the pig died, so I was
offered pork chops.
The following day, the duck died, so we
had roast duck with apple sauce.
The next day my landlady's husband died
- so I left.
Two fleas
The two fleas were just leaving the the-
atre when the male flea turned to the female
flea and said: 'Shall we walk, or take a dog?'
Honeymoon
On the first morning after the young hus-
band arose, went to the kitchen and took
breakfast up to his bride. 'There,' he said.
'What do you think of that?'
She gazed at the tea, the bacon and eggs,
the toast and marmalade, all nicely set out
on the tray, and said: 'Why, that's wonder-
ful.'
'Yes,' he replied, 'and that's how I want it
every morning.'
Grandfather
Clive: 'Tony, is it true you married Cynthia
for the money her grandfather left her?'
Tony: 'Of course not! I would still have
married her if someone else had left her the
money.'
Fortune
The young man asked the beautiful young
girl to marry him, pointing out that his father
was 103 years old and that he was heir to his
father's substantial fortune.
The girl asked the young man for time to
consider his offer. Two weeks later, she
became his step-mother.
Hell
Fred: 'My wife converted me to religion.'
Bill: 'Your wife converted you to religion?
How did she do that?'
Fred: 'Because I didn't believe in Hell until
I married her!'
The old inmate
The old inmate greeted his new cell part-
ner with the question 'How long you in for?'
'Twenty-five years,' the new prisoner
replied.
'Then you take the bed nearest the door,'
said the old timer. 'You will be getting out
first.'

Three turtles
Once there were three turtles. One day
they decided to go on a picnic. When they
got there, they realized they had forgotten
the soda. The youngest turtle said he would
go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the
sandwiches until he got back. A week went
by, then a month, finally a year, when the
two turtles said, "oh, come on, let's eat the
sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle
popped up from behind a rock and said, "If
you do, I won't go!"
Unbelievable
An inebriate was watching an old and ugly
woman enter a revolving door. As the door
swung around, a pretty girl stepped out.
'Unbelievable,' he muttered.
Fool thing
A philosopher defined the difference
between life and love: 'Life is just one fool
thing after another; love is just two fool
things after each other.'
Traffic
A man stood on the street corner waiting
to cross while the traffic streamed by, swift
and continuous. After a long wait, the man
became impatient, but he dared not risk
going out into the traffic. He spied another
pedestrian on the other side of the street and
called to him, 'Hey, I say, how did you get
over there?'
The other man cupped his hands about his
mouth and shouted, 'I was born here.'
Playground
Religious knowledge teacher: 'Now,
Timothy, where do naughty boys and girls
go?'
Timothy: 'Behind the bicycle shed in the
playground.'
A good little boy
Mother: 'Where did you get that black
eye, Jimmy? Didn't I tell you that good little
boys never fight?'
Jimmy: 'Yes, mother, and believed you. I
thought he was a good little boy and I hit
him, and then I found out he wasn't.'
Supermarket
The little girl had been taken to the super-
market by her mother but somehow man-
aged to get lost near the tinned food section.
'Excuse me,' asked the little girl of anoth-
er customer. 'Have you seen a mother walk-
ing along pushing a shopping trolley without
a girl like me?'
Don't mention it
A little girl was going to a party and her
mother told her to be a good girl and to
remember, when she was leaving, to thank
her hostess.
When she arrived home, the mother
asked her if she thanked her hostess and the
little girl replied: 'No, the girl in front of me
did and the lady said "Don't mention it" - so
I didn't.'
Money, money
Ronald: 'All my wife says to me is 'Money,
money.' She is always asking me for money.'
Richard: 'Why does she need so much?
What does she spend it on?'
Ronald: 'I've no idea. I never give her
any.'
She's just flown
'Doctor, I'm worried about my wife. She
thinks she is a bird.'
'Well, you had better bring her in to see
me.'
I can't. She's just flown south for winter.'
20 pounds
The wife wanted to do some shopping dur-
ing the day, so at breakfast she asked her
husband for 20 pounds.
'Money, money, money!' he shouted.
'Every day of the week you want more
money. If you ask me, I think you need
brains more than you need money.'
'Perhaps so,' his wife agreed, 'but I asked
you for what I thought you had the most of.'

Exaggeration
Father to small boy: 'How many millions of
times have I told you not to exaggerate?'
Heaven
Johnny gazed at his one-day-old brother
who was yelling at the top of his voice. 'Did
he come from heaven?' Johnny asked his
mother.
'Yes, dear,' she replied.
'Well,' Johnny mused, 'I can see why they
put him out.'
Intelligence
Father: 'I'm just conceited enough to think
that our son gets his intelligence from me.'
Mother: 'Well, he must. I've still got mine.
Eight eggs
Little boy: 'I et four eggs for breakfast this
morning.'
Big sister: 'You mean ate.'
Little boy: 'Maybe you're right. Maybe I et
eight eggs for breakfast this morning.'
Letter
Dobb: 'What's that piece of cord tied
around your finger for?'
Botham: 'My wife put it there to remind
me to mail her letter.'
Dobb: 'And did you mail it?'
Botham: 'No. She forgot to give it to me!'
Present
Father: 'Peter, how do you like school?'
Peter: 'I like school okay, but not the
teacher.'
Father: 'Don't like the teacher? Why not,
son?'
Peter: 'Because she told me to sit in the
front seat for the present, and then she did-
n't give me the present!'
What a funny nose
Mother: 'It's rude to whisper, Humphrey.'
Humphrey (aged five): 'Well, I was saying
what a funny nose that man's got. It would
have been much ruder if I'd said it aloud.'
Other pair
Dad: 'You brought me the wrong boots,
son. Can't you see that one of them is black
and the other brown?'
Son: 'Yes, dad, but your other pair is just
the same.'
Statistician
Mother wanted to spend Saturday after-
noon shopping, and father-a statistician-
reluctantly agreed to abandon his golf and
spend the afternoon with the three small,
energetic children. When mother returned,
father handed her this:
Dried tears-9 times
Tied shoes-13 times
Served water-18 times
Toy balloons purchased-3 for each child
Average life of balloon-exactly 12 seconds
Cautioned children not to cross street-21
times
Children insisted on crossing street-21
times
Number of Saturday father will do this
again-0
How else?
Son: 'Pop, what's the capital of Uruguay?'
Father: 'I don't know son.'
Son: 'Where was George Washington
born?'
Father: 'I don't know.'
Son: 'What's a polygon?'
Father: 'I don't know.'
Mother: 'Don't bother your father.'
Father: 'Let him ask questions. How else is
he going to learn?'
Spring cleaning
'Could I have a day off, sir, to help my wife
with the spring cleaning?'
'No, I'm afraid not -'
'Thank you, sir. I knew I could rely on
you.'
Lost
Little girl to policeman: 'Please, sir, will
you take my little brother home? He's lost.'
Policeman: 'Why can't you take him
home?'
Girl: 'Because I'm lost too.'

Asleep
'Why is father singing to the baby so much
tonight?'
'He is trying to sing him to sleep.'
'Well, if I was baby, I'd pretend I was
asleep.'
Smoking
'Yes,' one man said to another. 'I've read
so much about smoking causing various ill-
nesses that I've decided to give up reading!'
Pizza
Waitress: 'How would you like your pizza
sliced - six or eight pieces?'
Customer: 'Six, please - I couldn't possi-
bly eat eight!'
Parrot
A man bought himself a parrot and to
induce him to talk kept repeating, 'Hello,
hello,' to the bird.
Finally, the parrot opened one sleepy eye
and commented, 'What's the matter? Line
busy?
Lazy
Patient: 'Doctor, is there anything wrong
with me? Don't frighten me half to death by
giving it a scientific name. Just tell me in
plain English.'
Doctor: 'Well, to be perfectly frank, you're
just plain lazy.'
Patient: 'Thank you, Doctor. Now please
give me the scientific name for it so I can tell
the family.
You're excellent
I admire you very much, you never criti-
cize; you cover my mistakes with so many
little lies. In all my thoughts we both agree.
I really think you're excellent, because you're
me.
Snail
One row cold morning in January, a snail
started to climb a trunk of a cherry tree. As
he inched painfully upward, a wise guy bee-
tle stuck his head out of a nearby crack and
called, 'Hey, buddy, you are wasting your
time; there aren't any cherries up there,'
The snail scarcely paused as he replied,
'There will be by the time I get there.'
Hobby
The estate agent spent all day Sunday
showing a couple through model homes.
'And this,' he said at the tenth home he
had shown, 'has a hobby room. Do you have
any hobbies?
'Yes,' replied the woman, 'looking through
model homes on Sundays.'
Ballet
A little boy who went to the ballet for the
first time with his father was amazed to see
all the girls dancing on their toes. Finally, he
turned to his father and asked, 'Why don't
they just get taller girls, Dad?'
New dog
Fred: 'We've got a new dog. Would you
like to come and play with him?'
Tom: 'I've heard him barking and growl-
ing. He sounds very fierce and unfriendly.
Does he bite?
Fred: 'That's what I want to find out.'
Lovely bulldog
'That's a lovely bulldog you've got there.'
'No, it's not a bulldog - it was chasing a
cat and ran into a wall.'
Mackintosh
McPherson was strolling down the street
when he noticed what he thought was the
familiar figure of a friend. Quickening his
steps, he came up to the man and slapped
him on the back. To his amazement, he then
saw he had greeted an utter stranger.
'Oh, I beg your pardon,' he said apologet-
ically. 'I thought you were an old friend of
mine, Mackintosh by name.'
The stranger recovered his wind and
replied with considerable heat, 'And suppos-
ing I were Mackintosh-do you have to hit me
so hard?'
'What do you care,' retorted McPherson,
'how hard I hit Mackintosh?'

Bill
Helen: 'When was your son born?'
Mary: 'In March-he came the first of the
month.'
Helen: 'Is that why you call him Bill?'
Chickens
Diner: 'Do you serve chickens here?'
Waiter: 'We serve anyone - sit down.
Came back
'I don't like to bring this up,' said the doc-
tor hesitantly, 'but that cheque of yours came
back.'
'I don't like to mention this, either, doc,
'said the patient,' but so did my disease.
Striped crocodiles
'Doctor, doctor! I'm terribly worried. I
keep seeing pink striped crocodiles every
time I try to get to sleep.'
'Have you seen a psychiatrist?'
'No - only pink striped crocodiles.'
Maternity hospital
Voice on the phone: 'Hello? Is that the
maternity hospital?'
Receptionist: 'Yes.'
Voice on the phone: 'Can you send an
ambulance round, the wife is about to have a
baby.'
Receptionist: 'Is this her first baby?'
Voice on the phone: 'No. This is her hus-
band.'
Chicken
Patient: 'Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a
chicken.'
Doctor: 'How long have you thought that?'
Patient: 'For about a year.'
Doctor: 'Why didn't you come and see me
earlier?'
Patient: 'Because my wife said we needed
the eggs.'
Chinese traveler
Years ago a Chinese traveler, returning to
his country after a journey in Europe, wrote
this description of a piano: 'The Europeans
keep a large four-legged animal which they
can make to sing at will. A man, or frequent-
ly a woman, sits down in front of the animal
and steps on its tail, at the same time strik-
ing its white teeth with his or her fingers,
when the creature begins to sing. The
singing, though much louder than a bird's, is
pleasant to listen to. The animal doesn't bite,
nor does it move, though it is not tied.
Polishing shoes
During the American Civil War days a for-
eign minister to the United States was
shocked when, on a call to the White House,
he found President Lincoln shining his own
shoes. He told the President that in his coun-
try it was not the custom of gentlemen to
polish their own shoes.
With his customary resourcefulness and
nimble wit, President Lincoln replied, 'Then
whose shoes do they polish.
The check
An American lawyer invited a
Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his
mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the
lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went
out to pick berries for their morning break-
fast. As they were picking blueberries, along
came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed
a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the
male bear caught him and swallowed him
whole. The lawyer drove his car to town as
fast has he could to get a policeman. The
policeman took his gun and ran to the berry
patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two
bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!"
said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The
policeman looked at the bears, took careful
aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the
lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman.
"Would you believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the Male?"
(The check is in the mail.)

Monk
A man wanted to become a monk so he
went to the monastery and talked to the
head monk. The head monk said: "You must
take a vow of silence and can only say two
words every three years." The man agreed
and after the first 3 years, the head monk
came to him and said, "What are your two
words?" "Food cold!", the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head
monk came to him and said "What are your
two words?" "Robe dirty!", the man
exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head
monk came to him and said "What are your
two words?" "I quit!" , said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not
surprised. You have done nothing but com-
plain ever since you got here!"
American
A young man comes before the Customs
agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B: "American" (pronounced with a
Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I said American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell
you I'm American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, I've
got it. Make a sentence with the following
colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But
OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws
house and the phone went 'green, green, I
pinked it up and sed yellow!"
Penguins
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to
London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on
the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab
and is looking at the engine when a second
lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if
he needs help. The penguins' driver explains
that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and
asks if the other man would take the pen-
guins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver
drives past the first one, who is still waiting
on the motorway. The penguins are still on
the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those pen-
guins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some
money left, so we're going to the cinema
now."
Who am I?
One day a student was taking a very diffi-
cult essay exam. At the end of the test, the
Prof asked all the students to put their pen-
cils down and immediately hand in their
tests. The young man kept writing furiously,
although he was warned that if he did not
stop immediately he would be disqualified.
He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to
his instructor. The instructor told him he
would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I
am?" The Prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you
don't know who I am?"
The Prof again said no. So the student
walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, and then threw the papers in
the air. "Good" the student said, and walked
out. He passed.
The ugliest baby
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby
I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman
slammed her fare into the fare box and took
an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The
man seated next to her sensed that she was
agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The
man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a
public servant and shouldn't say things to
insult passengers." "You're right," she said.
"I think I'll go back up there and give him a
piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the
man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Naughty parrot
A man got a parrot which could already
talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big
vocabulary. However, the man soon discov-
ered that the parrot mostly know bad words.
At first he thought it was funny, but then it
became tiresome, and finally, when the man
had important guests, the bird's bad words
embarrassed him very much. As soon as the
guests left, the man angrily shouted at the
parrot," That language must stop!". But the
bird answered him with curses. He shook the
bird and shouted again, "Don't use those
ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him. Now
the man was really angry. He grabbed the
parrot and threw him into the refrigerator.
But it had no effect. From inside the refriger-
ator, the parrot was still swearing. He opened
the door and took him out, and again the bird
spoke in dirty words and curses. This time,
the man opened the door of the freezer,
threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
This time there was silence. After two min-
utes, the man opened the door and removed
the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering
parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his
shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding
very frightened: "I'll be good, I
promise...Those chickens in there what did
they say?"
Three rich brothers
Three rich brothers each wanted to do
something special for their elderly mother on
Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a
huge house. The second brother gave her a
limousine, with a driver. The third brother
remembered that his mother used to love to
read the Bible, but couldn't see well any-
more, so he got her a specially trained par-
rot that could recite any verse from the Bible
on demand. Soon, the brothers received
thank-you notes from their mother. The first
son's note said, "The house you bought me is
much too big! I only live in a small part of it,
but I have to clean the whole thing!" The
second son got a note that said, "I rarely
leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the
limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the
driver is so rude!" The third son's note said,
"My darling baby boy, you know just what
your mother loves! The chicken was deli-
cious!"
On the other hand
James was walking down the road one
morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Err ... Danny; you're wear-
ing a glove on one hand and none on the
other. Did you know?" "Yes, well I heard the
weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?" "Yes, the weather
forecast. The forecaster said on the one hand
it might be fine but on the other hand there
might be some rain."
The preacher
A preacher was told by his doctor that he
had only a few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when
his wife heard the sad news she said to him,
"Honey, if there's anything I can do to make
you happy, tell me." The preacher answered,
"You know, dear, there's that box in the
kitchen cabinet with what you always called
"your little secret" in it and you said you
never would want me to open it as long as
you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to
be with the Lord, why don't you show me
what's in that secret box of yours?" The
preacher's wife got out the box and opened
the lid. It contained $100,000 and three
eggs. "What are those eggs doing in the
box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she
replied, "every time your sermon was really
bad I put an egg in the box." Now the
preacher had been preaching for over forty
years, and seeing only three eggs in that old
shoe box, he started to feel very proud about
himself and it warmed his soul. "And what
about that $100.000?"" he asked. "Oh, you
see," she whispered softly, "every time there
were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."

Shoemaker
A man goes out of prison after twenty
years. He decides to go back to the neigh-
borhood where he lived. When he gets there
he cannot recognize the place. Everything
has changed a lot. The places he used to visit
have all disappeared. Even the pub has dis-
appeared. He is very tired and would like to
have something to eat. He goes into a small
café and has a coffee and a sandwich. When
he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker
ticket in it. He then remembers that the last
thing he had done before being arrested was
to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's.
He decides to go there and try. What a won-
derful thing! The shoemaker is still at the
same place. He gets into the shop and tells
the shoemaker that about twenty years
before he had left him a pair of shoes to have
them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at
the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomor-
row. They will be ready then." Some things
never change.
The centipede
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper,
the snail, and the centipede were sitting
around the grasshopper's house drinking
beer. They ran out of beer before they were
ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of
them should go out for more beer. The snail
said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides,
Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so
you know where to go." The grasshopper
said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will
shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed
every time we open one." So they decided to
send the centipede; and the grasshopper
explained how to get to the nearest liquor
store. An hour or so passed and still the cen-
tipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the
grasshopper decided to go look for him. They
got as far as the front door and found the
centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.
Panda
A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He
orders the special and eats it. After eating,
he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and
starts to walk out the door. The owner of the
restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing?
You come in here, you kill my waiter and
walk away without saying a word. I don't
understand." The panda says, "Look it up in
the dictionary," and walks out the door. So
the owner gets out a dictionary and looks
under the heading "Panda".
It reads: panda black and white animal;
lives in central China; eats shoots and
leaves.
Lost watch
One night a man came upon a boy looking
for something under a streetlight. The man
asked the boy what he had lost. The boy said
that he had lost his watch. Since it was obvi-
ously not there, the man asked the boy if he
was sure that he had lost his watch in that
spot. The boy said that he had lost the watch
at another place, farther down the street.
The man then asked the boy why he was
looking for the watch under the streetlight.
The boy replied, "Well, sir, the light is much
better here."
Grandfather clock
A man was carrying a grandfather clock
through the streets of the city. He was obvi-
ously doing it with a lot of difficulty. Finally,
another man came up to him and asked,
"Pardon me, it's none of my business, but
don't you think a wristwatch would be far
simpler?"
Different answers
As I was walking along a street in a small
town a man came up to me and asked, "What
time is it? I looked at my watch and
answered, "It's five o'clock." "I must be
going crazy," said the man. "All day long I
keep getting different answers."
Broken
The policeman rang the doorbell, not
knowing quite how he was going to break the
news. The door opened and a woman stood
there gazing anxiously into the policeman's
eyes. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your
husband's new watch is broken." "Broken?"
she said. "How did it happen?" The police-
man replied, "A piano fell on him"

Eight and eight
There once was a very large lady in our
town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew her
when she was young, but she had a much
smaller size.
Why do you think she is now wearing a
size 16?
I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).
Cousin Jack
I was arrested at the airport. Just because
I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
Speaking dog
Two friends meet and one of them says:"
I've taught my dog how to speak English!"
"That's impossible", says the other man."
Dogs don't speak!" "It's true! I'll show you."
He turns to his dog, "How's the situation in
England?" The dog answers: "Rough, rough."
Tense
One day an English grammar teacher was
looking ill. A student asked, "What's the mat-
ter?" "Tense," answered the teacher, describ-
ing how he felt. The student paused, then
continued, "What was the matter? What has
been the matter? What might have been the
matter... ?"
The weather report
Teacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is
open. Someone might take your money!
Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get
more money.
Teacher: How can you get more money?
Rumiko: The weather report said we
would have some change in our weather!
I love you too!
Boyfriend: What is your favorite music
group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your
favorite music group?
New cemetery
I hear this new cemetery is very popular.
People are just dying to get in.
New job
A: How do you like your new job at the
cemetery?
B: I quit after a week. I found the work
too frustrating.
A: What happened?
B: No matter what I said to the cus-
tomers, they were always dead right!
Big elephants
If big elephants have big trunks, do small
elephants have suitcases?
What a cool beach!
There is a California dude going through a
desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a
towel and listening to music on his walkman.
He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a
caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and
asks them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far
the sea is?" They look at each other and say:
"Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow
what a cool beach!!!"
New ideas
Company director to board chairman: If
any new ideas come up while I am out of the
meeting for a brief telephone call, my vote is
'No.'
Shadow
My boss is so unpopular even his own
shadow refuses to follow him.
Vegetarians
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do
humanitarians eat?
Driveway
Why do we park our car in the driveway
and drive our car on the parkway?
Out to Lunch
A man entered a crowded restaurant and
found a seat in the corner. A waitress hand-
ed him a menu and left to take care of other
customers who were in a hurry. After a long
interval the waitress suddenly remembered
the man in the corner and hurried over to
take his order. He was gone, but propped up
against his empty water glass was this sign,
scrawled on a piece of note paper: 'Out to
Lunch.'

The blind carpenter
Did you hear about the blind carpenter
who picked up his hammer and saw?
Deaf shepherd
Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who
gathered his flock and heard?
Piano
Wife - Doctor; doctor, my husband's bro-
ken his leg.
Doctor - But madam, I'm a doctor of
music.
Wife - That's all right, it was the piano that
fell on him!
Nuisance
Boastful angler -I once had a three hour
fight with a salmon.
Bored friend -Yes, tin openers can be a
nuisance at times.
Gold
Teacher -What happens to gold when it is
exposed to the air?
Smiffy -It's stolen!
Dentist
Smiffy -I went to the dentist yesterday.
Toots -Does your tooth still hurt?
Smiffy -I don't know. The dentist kept it.
Neither do I
Danny -What has ten legs, a yellow back,
a green eye and a long, homed tail?
Cuthbert -I don't know.
Danny -Neither do I, but I've just seen
one swimming in your soup!
Calendar
Speaker -How long have I been speaking?
I haven't got a watch with me.
Danny -There's a calendar behind you.
Punch
Headmaster (to boy who has been fight-
ing) -You should be ashamed of yourself. You
shouldn't hurt a hair of your friend's head.
Boy - I didn't. I punched him on the nose.
Sports car
Lawyer -So you want me to defend you?
Have you any money?
The accused -No, but I have a sports car.
Lawyer -Well, you can raise some money
on that. Now, what are you accused of steal-
ing?
The accused -A sports car.
Broke
What does a frog with no money say?
Broke!Broke!
Date
Smiffy -What is the date?
Toots -I dunno. Why don't you look at that
newspaper that's on the table.
Smiffy -Oh, that's no use -it's yesterday's.
Rhinoceros
Teacher (after a lesson about a rhinocer-
os) -Now, tell me something that has a big
horn and is very dangerous?
Smiffy -A motor car.
Pickpocket
Mac -Can I see that new device of yours
for preventing the theft of a watch?
Jock -I can't show you it, it was stolen
from me yesterday by a pickpocket.
Nice face
Mother- What? You've been fighting with
Billy Biggs? I thought he was a peaceable
child. He had such a nice face, too.
Freddie -Well, he hasn't now.
Beekeeper
Tourist -Hey! One of your bees stung me.
What are you going to do about it?
Beekeeper -Sorry. Just tell me which one
did it, and I'll punish him.

Shame
Librarian -Please be quiet, Tim. Those
people beside you can't read!
Tim -They should be ashamed of them-
selves! I've been able to read since I was six!
Reading
Mother -Dennis, what are you reading?
Dennis -I don't know, Mum.
Mother -But you were reading aloud.
Dennis -I know, but I wasn't listening.
Birthday
Mc Graw -How old is old Archie?
Mc Gill -I dunno, but everybody was over-
come by the heat from his candles at his last
birthday party.
Football
Frankie -Please, Mrs. Smart, is Bobby
coming out to play?
Mrs. Smart -No, Frankie, it's too wet.
Frankie -Well, is his football coming out,
then?
Subtraction
Judge -You are sentenced to ten years'
imprisonment. Have you anything to add?
Prisoner -No, but I'd like to subtract.
History
Smiffy -I wish I'd lived at the very begin-
ning of the world.
Toots -Why?
Smiffy -Because I wouldn't have had to
learn history .
Letter
Mum -What are you doing, Tommy?
Tommy -I'm writing a letter to my sister.
Mum -Don't, be silly, you can't write.
Tommy -That doesn't matter, she can't
read.
Sausage
Patient -Doctor, my family think I'm a lit-
tle odd.
Doctor -Why?
Patient -Because I like sausages.
Doctor -Nonsense. I like sausages too.
Patient -You do? You must come round to
see my collection. I have hundreds.
Help
Auntie -Do you ever help your little broth-
er Andrew?
Andrew -Yes, Auntie, I helped him to
spend the five pounds you gave him yester-
day!
Manager
The new bank clerk's hobby is climbing
trees.
He must want to be a branch manager!
The Invisible Man
Knock, knock !
Who's there?
The Invisible Man.
Tell him I can't see him at the moment!
Sudden storm
Captain - Let's find out just how much you
know about a boat. What would you do if a
sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?
Danny - Throw out the anchor.
Captain - What would you do if another
storm sprang up aft?
Danny - Throw out another anchor.
Captain - And if another storm sprang up
forward, what would you do?
Danny - Throw out another anchor.
Captain - Hold on. Where are you getting
all your anchors from?
Danny -From the same place you 're get-
ting your storms.
Teaching
Gamekeeper -Don't you know you're not
allowed to fish here?
Sandy -I'm not fishing. I'm teaching a
worm to swim!

Detective
Waiter -How did you find your steak?
Diner -Easy. I'm a detective!
Leading
Tim -My Dad's got a leading position in a
circus!
Tom -Gosh! What does he do?
Tim -He leads the elephants!
Population
Teacher (in a Glasgow school) -Do you
know the population of Glasgow?
Jimmy -Not all of them. I've only been
here a week!
Lift boy
Freddie -My brother has taken up French,
Italian, Spanish and Greek.
Old man -Goodness! What does he do?
Freddie -He's a lift boy.
Talkative
Teacher -Dennis, what do we call a person
who is very talkative, yet uninteresting?
Dennis -A teacher.
No bottom
An absent-minded professor went into a
shop to buy a jar. Seeing one upside down,
he said, '' How stupid, this jar has no mouth!
'' Turning it over, he was more astonished.
''Why, there's no bottom in it, either! ''
Little patient
Patient -Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrink-
ing!
Doctor -Well, you'll just have to be a little
patient.
Nationality
When did the Scottish potato change its
nationality?
When it became a French fry!
See you!
Two flies were on Robinson Crusoe's head.
''Goodbye for now," said one. " I'll see you on
Friday!"
Miracle
Angler - Is this stream private?
Passer-by - No, sir.
Angler - Then it won't be a crime if I land
any fish?
Passer-by - No, it'll be a miracle.
Golden
Customer -You said this parrot was worth
its weight in gold and yet it won't talk!
Pet shop owner -Well, silence is golden,
isn't it?
Horseshoe
Bobby -I found a horseshoe this morning.
Mother -Do you know what that means?
Bobby -Yes, it means that some horse is
running around in his bare feet.
The biggest potato
What's the biggest potato in the world?
A hippopotatomus.
Hearing aid
Man -How much do I owe you for my new
hearing aid?
Shopkeeper -Forty pounds.
Man -Did you say fifty pounds?
Shopkeeper -No, sixty pounds.
Glasses
Doctor -You will only have to wear these
glasses at your work.
Patient -That's impossible.
Doctor -Why?
Patient -I'm a boxer.
Antique
Owner of an old car -Someone has stolen
my car.
Friend -These antique collectors will stop
at nothing.

Wallpaper
Shopper -Can I stick this wallpaper on
myself?
Shopkeeper -Yes, but it would look better
on the wall.
Brown
Jones -What sort of fellow is Brown?
Smith -Well, if ever you see two men
speaking and one looks bored to death, the
other is Brown.
Four eggs
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Four eggs.
Four eggs, who?
For example!
Guilty
Butcher -Have you tried our sausages,
madam ?
Customer -Yes, and found them guilty!
Lion-tamer
Visitor -You're a very small man to be a
lion-tamer.
Lion-tamer -Yes, but that's the secret of
my success. The lions are waiting for me to
grow bigger.
Bean soup
Diner -Waiter, what on earth is this in my
bowl?
Waiter -It's bean soup.
Diner -I don't care what it's been, what is
it now?
Parachutes
A parachute firm advertised -No one has
ever complained of one of our parachutes not
opening!
Lunch break
Clerk -My salary is so small, sir, that I
can't afford lunch.
Boss -Then from tomorrow we will cut out
your lunch break.
Patience
Angler -You've been watching me for three
hours. Why don't you try fishing yourself?
Smiffy -No, I don't have the patience.
Which one?
Patient -I keep seeing double, doctor.
Doctor -Lie down on the couch then.
Patient -Which one?
Annoyed dog
Visitor -What's wrong with that dog of
yours? Every time I take a drink of water he
growls.
Tommy -Oh, he won't bother you. He's
just annoyed because you're drinking out of
his cup.
Competition
Prison visitor -And what brought you
here?
Prisoner -Competition.
Prison visitor -Competition?
Prisoner -Yes, I made the same kind of
banknotes as the Government.
Occupation
Doctor -What you need is a change of
occupation. Your present job seems to be
making you unhappy. What do you do ?
Patient -I'm a joke writer
First-class
Diner -Is this a first-class restaurant?
Waiter -Yes, but we don't mind serving
you!
Rheumatism
Tourist -Is this part of the country good for
rheumatism ?
Old man -Yes! I got mine here.

Wood pigeon
Customer -What kind of bird is this, wait-
er?
Waiter -It's a wood pigeon, sir.
Customer -I thought so -would you bring
me a saw?
How far?
Miss Screecher -I'm going away to study
singing.
Neighbor -Good! How far away?
Popular
Old lady (at concert) -Is that a popular
song he's singing?
Old man -It was before he sang it!
Which one?
Auntie -If your mother gave you a large
apple and a small apple and told you to give
one to your brother, would you give him?
Nephew -Do you mean my big brother or
my small brother?
Fairy-tale
Patient -Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a
fairy-tale book yesterday.
Doctor -Sit down and tell me the whole
story.
Dog family
Teacher -Name four members of the dog
family, Joe.
Joe -There's Mummy dog, Daddy dog,
Sister dog and Brother dog!
Four
Uncle -Why are they looking so worried
about, Jack?
Young Nephew -Well, yesterday my
teacher said two and two are four, and today
Dad said one and three are four, and I don 't
know which to believe.
Promise
Hotel manager -Rooms overlooking the
sea cost 5 Dollars extra.
Miser -How much does it cost if I promise
not to look?
A black eye
Teacher -If you had twelve sweets, and
Johnny took half, what would he have?
Tiffany -A black eye !
On fire
Fireman -Hey! Come on! Can't you see
your house is on fire?
Patient -Can't help it. The doctor told me
not to leave my bed for two days.
Early rise
Youth -Shall I have a chance of an early
rise in this job?
Boss -Most certainly! Six o'clock every
morning.
Not one
Boss -I want a man who is clever, hard-
working and punctual.
Lazy Larry -You don't want one man, you
want three.
How much?
Teacher - If you had two pounds and you
asked your dad for another two pounds, how
much money would you have ?
Johnny -Er ...two pounds, sir.
Always right
Boss -What do you mean by arguing with
that customer? Don't you know our rule? The
customer is always right.
Assistant - I know. But he was insisting
that he was wrong.
Bring it back
Flying instructor -If anything goes wrong,
leap out of the plane and pull the cord of the
parachute.
Cadet -Supposing the parachute doesn't
open?
Flying instructor -Bring it back and I'll give
you another.
Correction
Pupil -I can't read this correction of yours,
sir.
Teacher -It says, ''You must write more
clearly!'

Peacemaker
Jack -Please, sir, I stopped a fight.
Teacher -That's right, always be a peace-
maker. How did you stop them?
Jack -I punched them both.
Boat
Novice (hiring boat) -I've no watch so I
hope I shall know when my hour is up.
Boatman -Oh, yes, you know by the water.
The boat fills up to the seat in about an hour
and a half.
Too fast
Farmer -Did you count the pigs this morn-
ing, Paddy?
Paddy -I counted nineteen, but one ran so
fast that I couldn't count him at all.
Slow - motion
Patient -How much is it to have a tooth -
extracted?
Dentist -Thirty pounds.
Patient -What! For three seconds' work?
Dentist -All right, I'll take it out in slow -
motion.
I forgot
Mother -Why are you jumping up and
down, Minnie?
Minnie -It's all right, Mother. I forgot to
shake my medicine before I took it, so I'm
doing it now.
A pound coin
Willie -I lost a pound coin this morning,
Tim.
Tim -Hole in your pocket?
Willie -No, the man who dropped it heard
it fall.
Funeral
Old man (entering office) -There is a boy,
John McNab, working here. May I see him?
I'm his grandfather
Clerk- You're just too late, sir. He's gone to
your funeral.
Woodpecker
Bore -Yes, I'm very fond of birds.
Yesterday one actually settled on my head.
Fed-up listener -It must have been a
woodpecker.
It isn't enough
Gentleman -Now, what ought you to say
to a gentleman who gives you fifty pence for
carrying his bag?
Tim -It isn't enough these days.
Next race
Defeated jockey -Well, anyhow, I wasn't
last. There were two horses behind me.
Disgusted owner -Rats! Those were the
first two in the next race.
Pet cat
Fireman -At one fire, I saved ten lives.
Smith -And who were they?
Fireman -A child and her pet cat.
Appetite
Auntie -Why are you eating those cakes so
quickly, Smiffy?
Smiffy - I'm afraid that I will lose my
appetite before I'm finished.
Gladiator
Teacher -Give me a sentence with the
word ''gladiator''.
Pupil -The lion pounced on the woman and
was glad he ate her.
Attention
Employer -Did you put that note where it
would attract Mr. Smith's attention?
Office boy -Yes, I stuck a pin through it
and put it on his chair.
Back to school
Dentist -Don't cry. The tooth is out.
Harold -I know. I'll have to go back to
school now.

Bike
Dick -Dad, would you like to save money?
Dad -Yes, of course.
Dick -Then buy me a bike, and I'll not
wear out so many pairs of shoes.
A wish
Tom -lf you had a wish, what would you
wish?
John -lf I had a wish, I'd wish that I'd get
every wish I wished!
Nearest way
Man -Can you tell me the nearest way to
the hospital?
Little boy -I don't know sir, but if you step
in front of that car you'll get there soon
enough.
Stomachache
Jack -When people's teeth ache they have
them filled, don't they?
Mother -Yes.
Jack -Well, my stomach aches. Could I go
along to the sweet shop and get it filled?
Black cats
Jimmy -Oh, Dad, there's a big black cat in
the kitchen.
Dad -Oh, never mind. Black cats are lucky.
Jimmy -Yes, this one was. It's just eaten
the fish for your supper.
Motor car
Billy (doing crossword puzzle) -Give me
the name of a motor car that starts with ''T''.
Friend -Don't be an ass. You know they all
start with petrol.
Sprint
Dennis -Say, Bill, can you sprint very fast?
Billy -Can I? Why, yesterday l ran around
a half-mile track so fast that my shadow was
just starting out when I got back.
Two stations before
First passenger -Pardon me, does this
train stop at Paddington ?
Second passenger -Yes, watch me, and
get off two stations before I do.
How do you find?
Landlady -Good morning ! How do you
find yourself?
Lodger -I didn't know I was lost.
Undertaker
Tradesman (loftily) -In twenty years of
business, no customer has ever complained
of my work.
Neighbor -Wonderful! What are you?
Tradesman -An undertaker.
What steps?
Old lady (at the zoo) -Mr. Keeper, if one of
the lions escaped what steps would you
take?
Keeper -The biggest I could!
Too late!
Lady -The watch I told you about wasn't
stolen. I've just found it.
Detective - Too late! We've arrested the
thief.
Frozen
Arctic explorer -It was so cold where we
were that the candle froze and we couldn't
blow it out.
Second explorer -That's nothing! Where
we were the words came out of our mouths
in pieces of ice, and we had to fry them to
see what we were talking about.
How soon?
Employer -If anyone asks for me, I'll be
back in half an hour.
New office junior -Yes, sir, and how soon
will you be back if no one asks for you?
Gas-pipe
Man (on the telephone) -Hello, gasman,
come at once! There's an awful leak in our
gas-pipe!
Gasman -Have you done anything to it?
Man -Yes, I put a bucket under it.
Whale
Teacher -To what family does the whale
belong?
Smiffy -Don't know, sir. No family in our
neighborhood owns a whale.

Chicken
Customer -How much are these chickens?
Farmer -Three pounds.
Customer -Did you raise them yourself?
Farmer -Yes; they were two pounds fifty
pence yesterday .
There wasn't any
Artist (showing a blank canvas) -Look at
that picture of a cow eating grass.
Friend -Where's the grass?
Artist -The cow's eaten it.
Friend -Well, where's the cow?
Artist -Oh, it went away when it saw there
wasn't any more grass to eat.
Marbles
Teacher -Now, Bobby, if six eggs cost sixty
pence, how many would you get for twenty
pence?
Bobby -None.
Teacher -What? Why would you get none?
Bobby -Because I'd buy marbles, miss.
Damp climate
Teacher -What are raised in damp cli-
mates?
Schoolboy -Umbrellas, sir.
Advertising
First jeweler -I have had it proved to me
that advertising brings results.
Second jeweler -How ?
First Jeweler -Yesterday, I advertised for a
night watchman, and during the night my
shop was burgled.
So cool
Listener -Did you keep cool when con-
fronted by the bear?
Explorer -Rather, I was so cool that my
teeth chattered.
Taste much better
Auntie -Why don't you eat your sweets,
Jimmy?
Jimmy -I'm waiting for Jack Smith to come
along. Sweets taste much better if there's
another boy looking on.
Salmon
Angler -Have you any salmon?
Village storekeeper -No, but I have some
excellent pork pies.
Angler -Don't be an ass! How could a fel-
low go home and say he's caught a couple of
pork pies?
The best time
Teacher -When is the best time to gather
fruit?
Roger -Please, sir, when the dog is tied up.
Who was to blame?
Motorist -I had the right of way when this
man ran into me and yet you say I was to
blame.
Constable -You certainly were.
Motorist -Why?
Constable -Because his brother is the Lord
Mayor; his father is chief of police, and I'm
engaged to his sister.
Sir
Teacher (to new boy) -What's your name,
my little fellow?
New boy -Jimmy Brown.
Teacher -Always say ''sir'' when you are
speaking to a teacher. Now, what's your
name?
New boy -Sir Jimmy Brown.
Cake
I wonder if there is any kind of cake you
don't like ?
Wee Jock -Yes, stomachache!
On page 121
History teacher -Where did King William
die?
Pupil -On page 121 sir.
Brave boy
Boy (with pal at dentist's) -Please, I want
a tooth out, and I don't want an anesthetic,
because I'm in a hurry.
Dentist -That's a brave boy. Which tooth is
it?
Boy -Show him your tooth, Albert.

Revenge
Binks -I am sorry my hen got out and
scraped up your garden.
Jinks -That's all right. My dog ate your
hen.
Binks -That's all right, too. I've just run
over your dog.
It works
Uncle -Were you pleased with the drum I
sent you for your birthday?
Nephew -Yes, very much, Uncle. Mother
gives me five pounds every week not to use
it.
Good news
Small brother -The skateboard you left
under the park seat yesterday has been
found.
Big brother -Good news! Who has it?
Small brother -I don't know, but it's been
found. I looked, and it isn't there now.
Real donkey
Auntie -Well, how did you enjoy the ride
on Uncle's shoulders?
Minnie -Oh, it was quite nice, but I had a
ride on a real donkey yesterday.
Disappearance
Manager -I'm afraid that fellow I gave a
job to last week is dishonest.
Assistant -You shouldn't judge by appear-
ances.
Manager -I'm not, I'm judging by disap-
pearances.
Unlucky
Jones -I have been born unlucky.
Friend -Why?
Jones -Well, I was at a football match, and
there were twenty-two players and a referee
on the field, about ten thousand spectators in
the ground, and the ball hit me.
Familiar
Jackson -I think we met in this restaurant
last month. Your coat seems familiar to me.
Johnson -But I didn't have this overcoat
last month.
Jackson -No, but I did.
Fried egg
Friend -I could eat that fried egg, it looks
so real.
Artist -Fried egg! That's a sunset I've
painted.
Don't worry
Water, waiter, there's a fly in this soup!
Don't worry, sir. It won't drink much!
Broken ladder
Boy (to neighbor) -Father's sent me back
with your ladder. He's broken it, and he
hopes you'll have it mended quickly because
he wants to borrow it again next week.
Remember
Father -Why were you kept in at school?
Jimmy -I didn't know where the Nile was.
Father (angrily ) -In future, you must
remember where you put things.
No need to hurry
Hotel manager -Are you the gentleman
who wanted to be awakened to catch the
early train?
Hotel guest -Yes.
Hotel manager -Then you can go back to
sleep, you've missed it.
Return ticket
McTavish (victim of shipwreck) -Well, it
might have been worse.
McTaggart (also a victim) -Yes, we might
have bought a return ticket.
Brotherly love
Teacher -If I saw a boy beating a donkey,
and I stopped him, what virtue should I be
showing ?
Plug -Brotherly love, sir.

Bring another
Diner -Waiter, this soup isn't fit for a pig.
Waiter - Sorry, sir, I'll take it away and
bring some that is.
Replacement
Customer -Didn't you claim when you sold
me this car that you'd replace anything that
was broken or was missing?
Car salesman -Yes, sir. What is it?
Customer -Well, I want four front teeth
and a collar bone!
Scars
Barber -Have I shaved you before?
Customer -No. I got these scars in the
war.
Present
Bloggs -You should think of the future.
Noggs -I can't. It's my wife's birthday, and
I'm thinking of the present.
Zoo imitation
Singer -I'm afraid I wasn't singing very
well tonight.
Wireless announcer -Oh, that's all right.
You were announced as zoo imitations.
It's here
Stranger -Boy, where does this road go
to?
Dimwit -I don't think it goes anywhere.
It's here every morning.
Turtle soup
Gent -Waiter I've been waiting half an
hour for my turtle soup!
Waiter -Well, sir; you know how slow tur-
tles are!
How many?
Circus manager -What's the matter with
your hand?
New lion tamer -I put it in the lion's mouth
to see how many teeth he had, am he shut it
to see how many fingers I had.
Superstitious
Terry -Are you superstitious ?
Jerry -Not at all.
Terry -Well, lend me thirteen pounds.
Like a horse
Artist -I've been working like a horse all
day.
Friend -How?
Artist -I've been drawing a cart!
Mash them
Teacher -If I had ten potatoes to share
equally among four boys, how would I do it?
Sidney -Mash them, sir.
Bridge
Train guard -Keep your head inside the
window there.
Passenger -Why?
Train guard -Because we don't want any of
our bridges damaged.
Mistake
Teacher -Aren't you sorry you hit Timmy
under the chin? I'm sure it was a mistake.
Jimmy -Yes, miss; I meant to bash him on
the nose.
Missed
Angry man -I'll teach you to hit our cat
with stones!
Tommy -I wish you would sir. I've had ten
shots, and missed each time.
Boots
Briggs -Did you tell Jiggs that I had the
biggest feet you had ever seen ?
Griggs -No, I just said that if you took off
your boots you would be half- undressed.

Stranger
Small boy -Is that the sun or the moon up
there?
Dimwit -Sorry, I don't know. I'm a
stranger to this place.
You'd better
Villager -Are you painting those trees, sir?
Artist -I am; but it's no business of yours.
Get on with your work instead of interrupting
mine.
Villager -Well, my work is to chop them
down. So you'd better hurry up with your
painting.
Referee
Boss (finding office boy watching football
match) -So this is your uncle's funeral,
Tommy?
Tommy (after some quick thinking) -
Looks like it, sir. He's the referee.
How terrible!
Boastful explorer -And there we stood -
the tiger and myself in the thick of the jun-
gle, face to face!
Listener -How terrible it must have been
for both of you!
Extravagant
Green -You're getting extravagant. Why
did you tip the waiter five pounds?
Brown -Hush, man! He gave me ten
pounds too much in change.
Charge
Bald man (in barber's chair) -Don't you
think I should get some reduction? There's
very little hair to cut.
Barber -Oh no, in your case we don't
charge for cutting your hair: We charge for
having to search for it.
Lecture
Professor Crumb -What struck you most at
my lecture last night?
Professor Noodle -A bad egg that was
meant for you.
What else?
Professor (to student) -What are you
laughing at? Me?
Student -Oh, no, sir!
Professor (absently) -Then what else is
there in this room to laugh at?
Our kettle
Mother -I'll teach you to tie a kettle to the
cat's tail!
Small boy -it wasn't our cat.
Mother -No, but it was our kettle.
Late again
Boss (as Jenkins comes in half an hour
late) -Late again! Jenkins -So am I!
Fortune-teller
Diner -Waiter, there's a fly at the bottom
of my cup. What does it mean?
Waiter -Sorry, sir. I'm a waiter, not a for-
tune-teller.
Long wait
Grocer -What was that woman complain-
ing about?
Assistant -Because she had a long wait.
Grocer -Humph ! Some people are never
pleased. She was complaining about the
short weight yesterday.
Quiet
Mother -I am glad you are keeping quiet
boys, while Dad's having his nap.
Bill- Yes, Mum, we're watching his cigar
burn down to his fingers.
Fine for rats
Customer -You said that this dog was fine
for rats. Why, it won't even go near them!
Shopkeeper -Well, that's fine for the rats,
isn't it?
Zebra
Teacher -What is a zebra?
Bobby -A donkey wearing a football jer-
sey.

Train
Passenger -Do I take this train to Leeds?
Guard -No. Get in, and it will take you.
Any change?
Bill -So you've got back from your holiday.
Any change?
Jim -Not a penny.
My shoes
Dennis -What would you do if you were in
my shoes?
Walter -Clean them.
Saxophone
Jones -I thought you hated the saxo-
phone?
Bones -I do.
Jones -Then why did you buy your son
one?
Bones -Because I hate the neighbors
more.
Standing
Tourist (to policeman with extra large
feet) -Can you tell me where Trafalgar
Square is?
Policeman -Yes, I'm standing on it.
Tourist -No wonder I couldn't find it.
Advert
Toots -Are you still looking for your dog?
Smiffy -Yes.
Toots -Why don't you put an advert in the
paper?
Smiffy -What's the use? The dog can't
read!
Old-fashioned
Manager -Henry, you wear a very old-
fashioned coat in the office.
Henry -Yes, it is a bit out of date. I bought
it the last time I got a rise.
Punch
Graham -Where is he? I'll punch his head.
Gordon -I've just punched his head.
Early
Mike -Do you rise early?
Millie -Early? If I rose much earlier I'd
meet myself going to bed.
Submarine
Sailor -I joined the navy to see the world.
Gentleman -Did you see it?
Sailor -No, they put me in a submarine.
New sailor
Captain (to new sailor) -Now what is
the first thing you do when you fall into
the sea?
New sailor -Get wet.
Present tense
Teacher -Tommy, do you know the present
tense of knew?
Tommy -No, sir
Teacher -Correct.
Brakes
Passenger (in taxi) -There's only one thing
I worry about in a car, and that's the brakes.
Taxi driver -Then you've nothing to worry
about, sir, this car hasn't got any.
Clock
Agent -You want your office furniture
insured against theft?
Manager -Yes, all except the clock; every-
body watches it.
Goldfish
Mother -Have you given the goldfish some
fresh water this morning, Smiffy?
Smiffy -No, Mum, they haven't drunk the
water I gave them last week.
Warm reception
Billy -My father gets a warm reception
wherever he goes.
Tommy -He must be very popular
Billy -No, it's not that. You see, he's a fire-
man.

Watch
Danny -Does your watch tell you the
'time?
Smiffy -No; I have to look at it.
Sudden stop
Old man (to bricklayer) -Did your fall hurt
you?
Bricklayer -No, it was the sudden stop that
was most painful.
Sycamore
Nature lover (gazing at tree) -Oh, great
oak tree, if you could only speak, what would
you say to me ?
Gardener -if you please, sir; it would say
it was a sycamore, not an oak.
The weather
John -Stop rubbing your hands like that.
The weather isn't cold.
Jim - I'm not trying to warm the weather.
I'm trying to warm my hands.
Bright boy
Teacher -That boy of yours seems bright.
He'll carve out a name for himself some day.
Father -He's done it already -on our new
piano!
Famine
Stout man -You look as if there's been a
famine.
Thin man -And you look as if you'd caused
it.
Melon
A boastful American walked up to a British
fruit seller's stall and picked up a large
melon.
''Is that the largest apple you fellows can
grow over here?'' he asked.
''Put that grape down!'' snapped the fruit
seller.
Lift
Hotel guest -I tell you I won't have this
room! I'm not going to pay good money for
such a small room. You think that just
because I am from the country...
Bellboy -Step in, sir. This isn't your room.
It's the lift.
Centimetre
Teacher -Give me a sentence with the
word ''centimetre'' in it.
Wilfrid -My aunt arrived yesterday, and I
was centimetre.
Father
Old man -Your father is entirely bald, isn't
he, Jack?
Jack -Yes, I am the only heir he has left.
Dictionary
Angry customer -I can't find words to
express my feelings towards you.
Smart assistant -That's all right, sir. We
sell dictionaries here.
Spider
Diner -Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter -Catch it yourself. I'm not a spider.
Dirty face
Mother- Johnny, Auntie won't kiss you
with a dirty face like that.
Johnny -That's what I thought.
Unconscious
Lazy Len -I had a fall last night which ren-
dered me unconscious for six hours.
Weary Willie -Really! Where did you I fall?
Lazy Len -I fell asleep.
Idiot
Boss -Now, my boy, are you boss of this
business or not?
Office boy -No, sir
Boss -Then don't talk like an idiot!

Steak
Diner -Waiter! This steak is only half the
size of the one I had yesterday.
Waiter -But you're not sitting beside the
window today, sir.
Parrot
Terry -How is it you know all about the
Smiths' private affairs?
Jerry -We looked after their parrot during
the summer holidays.
Trousers
Sergeant -What was all that noise you
were making in the dormitory last night?
Private -I was only dragging Brown's
trousers about the room, sir.
Sergeant -Surely that wouldn't make all
that noise?
Private -But Brown was in them, sir.
Stars
Teacher (giving astronomy lesson) - Now,
Bobby, give me the names of some stars.
Bobby (brightly) -Football or film, sir?
Tomorrow
Diner -Do you see that waiter over there?
They call him ''Tomorrow''.
Friend -Why ?
Diner -Because he never comes.
You saw first
Teacher (pointing to a sweet wrapper on
the floor) Wilfrid, is this yours?
Wilfrid -Not at all, sir. You saw it first.
Underground
Teacher- Tell me, Dennis, who first invent-
ed underground tunnels?
Dennis -The worms, sir
River
Teacher -Now, Danny, do this subtraction
mentally. Six of your friends went to the
river, but two had been told not to go into the
water. Now tell me how many bathed?
Danny (promptly) -Six, sir.
Vacuum cleaner
Mum -Goodness, Minnie, where's the
canary?
Minnie -I dunno, Mum. It was there when
I started cleaning its cage with the vacuum
cleaner.
Cheer up
Election candidate -Really, gentlemen.
With all this uproar, I can hardly hear myself
speak.
Critic -Well, cheer up! You aren't missing
much!
Position
Uncle -Are you able to keep your position
in class?
Smiffy - Certainly! I started at the bottom,
and no one has been able to take my place
from me.
Pure milk
Customer -Are you sure your milk is pure?
Milkman -Oh, yes. Every drop of water we
put in is filtered.
Luggage
Roger -How much will it cost to take me
and my luggage right to my door?
Taxi driver -Five pounds. The luggage
goes for nothing.
Roger -Right! Take my luggage and I'll
walk.
Lemonade
Old man -What are you digging for
Johnny?
Johnny -Lemonade. Teacher says that
minerals are found in the earth.
Ten pound note
Customer -Let me see. How much do you
want for that dog?
Dealer -Forty pounds.
Customer -I thought you said thirty yes-
terday?
Dealer -Yes, but he swallowed a ten pound
note last night.

Death scene
Actor -Did you see the audience cry when
I played the death scene?
Critic -Yes, they knew you weren't really
dead.
Dark clouds
Fortune-teller -Do not worry, the dark
clouds will soon roll by.
Old gent -Look here, I want to know my
fortune, not the weather forecast.
Wake up!
Theatre producer -Couldn't the villain
shoot himself instead of taking poison?
Writer -Why?
Theatre producer -Well, the bang would
wake the audience up.
Rescue
Diner -Hey, waiter, there's a fly in my
soup.
Waiter -Well, you don't want me to jump
in and rescue it, do you?
Wasp
Teacher -Do you know, Billy, that a
grasshopper is so strong that it can jump a
hundred times its own length?
Billy -Why, that's nothing. I once saw a
wasp lift a twelve-stone man two feet into
the air.
Operation
Visitor to hospital -Have you been under
an operation?
Patient -No, under a car
The hardest work
Roger -I always do my hardest work
before breakfast.
Dad -What's that? Roger -Getting up.
Fraud
Jones -Who was that man you just raised
your hat to?
Bones -Oh, that was my barber. He sold
me a bottle of hair restorer a month ago, and
whenever I meet him I let him see what a
fraud he is.
The mayor
Smiffy's dad -Would you be good enough
to look after my car, please?
Mayor -Sir, I'm the mayor of the town!
Smiffy -That doesn't matter. You look hon-
est enough.
Asylum
A passenger in an aero plane was far up in
the sky when the pilot began to laugh hys-
terically.
Passenger -What's the joke?
Pilot -I'm thinking what they'll say at the
asylum when they find out I have escaped!
Any goals?
Visitor -Do you ever score any goals?
Local -Dunno. I've only watched them for
two seasons.
Poetry
Poet -So you think I ought to give up writ-
ing poetry?
Editor -No, you ought to begin.
Color-blind
Mr. White -Excuse me, sir are you Mr.
Green?
Mr. Brown -No, sir I'm Mr. Brown.
Mr. White -A thousand pardons! You see,
I'm color-blind.
Foreman
Boss -Has the foreman told you what to
do?
New watchman -Yes; I've to wake him up
when the boss comes.

Potato
Mr. Smith -Your son threw a potato at me.
Mr. Jones -Did it hit you?
Mr. Smith -No.
Mr. Jones -Then it wasn't my son.
Underwater
Father -Well, Alfie, what were your end-of-
term marks like?
Alfie -Underwater!
Father -What do you mean?
Alfie -Below ''C'' level!
The donkey brays
One day a friend visited Hodja and said
"Hodja, I want to borrow your donkey." "I'm
sorry," replied Hodja, "but I've already lent it
to someone else." As soon as he said this,
the donkey brayed.
"But Hodja, I can hear the donkey! It's in
the stable!" Shutting the door in his friend's
face, Hodja told him with dignity, "A man
who believes the word of a donkey above my
word doesn't deserve to be lent anything!"
Gruesome
Teacher -Sidney, you give me a sentence
using the word ''gruesome''.
Sidney - Er, my mum's plants grew some
in the past two weeks!
Good cook
Bill (at Scout camp) -Is Jack a good cook?
Sam -I don 't think so. The last time I saw
him he was trying to open an egg with a tin-
opener!
Hamburger
Boy -Dad, I can't eat this hamburger. It's
awful!
Dad -Shall I call the waiter?
Boy -No, I don't think even he'll be able to
eat it!
None of them
Ian -When I'm grown up, everybody will
be scared of me.
Pa -What'll you be -a boxer or a wrestler?
Ian - None of them. I'm going to be a den-
tist!
Milkman
Teacher -What comes before seven, boy?
Sidney -Er, the milkman!
I could
Teacher -Dennis! You can't sleep in my
class.
Dennis -Please sir, if you didn't talk so
loudly I could.
Inseparable
Jock -Hector and Hamish had a terrible
row last night.
Alec -I thought they were inseparable
friends?
Jock -That's right. It took six of us to sep-
arate them.
The first rung
Dennis -I fell off a sixty-foot ladder yes-
terday.
Minnie -It's a wonder you weren't killed.
Dennis -Not really. I fell off the first rung.
The interrupted dream
While taking a nap on the porch, one hot
summer day, Hodja dreamed that a stranger
promised to give him ten pieces of gold. The
stranger placed them in Hodja's hand one by
one until he reached the tenth piece, which
he hesitated to give him.
"Come on! What are you waiting for?" said
Hodja. "You promised me ten!" Just then he
woke up. He immediately looked at this hand
and saw that it was empty. He quickly shut
his eyes again, stretched out his hand and
said, "All right, I'll settle for nine!"

Late for school
Smiffy (in bed) -Gosh! It's quarter to
eight! If Mum doesn't wake me up soon I'll
be late for school!
Big fool
Jock -Jamie's not such a big fool as he
used to be.
Alistair - Is he getting wise; then?
Jock -No -thinner.
The rest
Dad -How many sums did you have wrong
in your arithmetic test?
Smiffy -One.
Dad -And how many did you have to do?
Smiffy -Twelve.
Dad -So you had eleven right?
Smiffy -No, I didn't do the rest.
Discount
Judge -You've been up before this bench
seven times. I fine you to 20 years.
Prisoner -Can I get a discount for being a
regular customer?
Electricity
Boss -Everything in this office is worked
by electricity.
Office boy -I know, sir. Even the wages
give you a shock!
Lost
One day Hodja lost his donkey. While
looking for it he was also rejoicing. When the
people saw him they couldn't figure out why
he was so happy. When they asked him the
reason, Hodja told them, "I'm happy because
I wasn't riding the donkey when it got lost. If
I had been, I'd be lost now, too!"
Bad luck
Charlie -Helping Mr. McKay to look for a
five pound note he'd lost.
Mum -Did you have any luck?
Charlie -No, he found it himself.
Supper
Mum -Well, what comes after T?
Angus -Supper.
Last poem
Poet -What do you think of my last poem?
Editor -Well, I'm glad to hear it's your last.
Myself
Butler -There's a man wanting to see you,
sir.
Absent-minded professor -Tell him I'm not
in.
Butler -I told him, but he won't go away,
sir.
Absent-minded professor -Oh well, I'd
better go and tell him myself!
Court
Judge -The next person who raises his
voice in this court will be thrown out!
Prisoner -Hip, hip, hooray!
Postcard
Slow waiter -How did you order your
steak, sir?
Weary customer -I ordered it by word of
mouth, but I suppose I ought to have sent
you a postcard two weeks in advance!
Acrobats
Showman -Two pounds to see the acro-
bats. Come along, sonny -only two pounds.
Davie -I've only got one pound, mister -
but if you let me in, I'll only open one eye.

One glance
Bill and Bert paid a visit to a court while a
trial was in progress.
Bert -I've no doubt about this case. One
glance at that fellow over there tells me he's
guilty.
Bill -Sssh! That's the judge!
Skunk
What would you get if you crossed a goril-
la with a skunk?
I don't know what you would call it, but
it'd have no trouble getting a seat on the
bus!
Favorite
Teacher -What is your favorite subject
Danny?
Danny -Latin.
Teacher -But you're not learning that.
Danny -I know, that's why it's my favorite.
Manager
Diner -Look here, this will never do. That
man over there has got much more to eat
than me. Where's the manager?
Waiter -That man is the manager.
The wrong face
Sergeant (in army camp ) -Why haven 't
you shaved this morning?
Private -Well, there were eight of us using
the same mirror; and I must have shaved the
wrong face.
What a long way
Barney -I was born in New York, but I
went to school in Scotland.
Jock -Gosh, what a long way you had to
go every day!
What hand?
Terry - What hand do you stir your tea
with?
Jerry -I stir mine with a spoon!
Railways
Speaker (after a very boring lecture) -
Now is there anybody who has a further
question to ask about the railways of Great
Britain?
Angus -Yes. What time does your train
leave?
Boot
Why can't a car play football? Because it's
only got one boot!
March! March!
What date is a command to go forward?
March 4th!
Sheep
Tourist -How many sheep do you have
here?
Shepherd -I can't say exactly. Every time
I start to count them, I fall asleep.
Angry
Teacher -I was very angry yesterday when
I heard a boy snoring during my lesson.
Pupil- Yes, so was I. The noise woke me
up!
Painted
Jack -Would you please open the gate for
me?
Old man (opening the gate) -Yes, but why
don't you open it yourself?
Jack -Because it's just been painted!
Marbles
Mum -Quick, Garry, run for the doctor!
Baby's swallowed one of your marbles!
Garry -That's all right. I've got plenty
more!
Marvelous ear
Applicant for a job in a music shop - I've
a marvelous ear for music. I can pick up any-
thing musical.
Boss -All right. Help me shift this piano.

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