Can you really help laughing??

1. REAL ENGLISH JOKES-S-S-HA-HA-HA!!!
Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a dog.
For the first experiment, they cut one of the dog's legs off, then they told the dog to
walk. The dog got up and walked, so they they learned that a dog could walk with just
three legs.
For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the dog, then they told the
dog once more to walk. The dog was still able to walk with only two legs.
For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the dog and once more they
told the dog to walk. However, the dog wasn't able to walk with only one leg.
As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the
dog had lost its hearing after having three legs cut off.
Submitted by:Idrissi Mouhssine
What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
Submitted by: Kevin Penner
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
Submitted by: Kmankoolman
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman.
The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a
bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the
Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Submitted by: Anonymous
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just
fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.

2. Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Submitted by: Nick Henry, ESL teacher in Korea
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
 Telegram
 Telephone
 Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
Submitted by: Dave & Brendan
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase "politically correct"
and discuss it.
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Submitted by: Anonymous
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a
week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk
When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Submitted by: Chris Fisher
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the
trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

3. A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Submitted by: Genti Biraci
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Submitted by: Freshteh Sadeghi
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be
a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring
them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl
who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl?
Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like
my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."