1. Running head: CONFLICT MANAGEMENT 1
Conflict Management: Friends and Roommates
Erin Freeman
University of Kentucky

2. CONFLICT MANAGEMENT 2
Abstract
This paper discusses the different ways conflict is dealt with and discusses which are the most
beneficial. The author has conducted a lot of research about different conflict styles and the
effective ways that conflict should be dealt with. She has implied the research into her own life
and recorded her experiences to test the research. It includes information on these experiences
and how it relates to the research. When the correct conflict styles and conflict management
skills are used, conflicts are handled well. It also results in better-maintained relationships. Some
of these helpful tactics are choosing the correct conflict style in the situation, not using
evaluative “you” language and describing behavior not personality when addressing another
person.
Keywords: Conflict, relationships, roommates, friendships, arguments

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Conflict Management: Friends and Roommates
People experience conflict all the time, more than we realize. College students who
recorded their conversations and conflicts throughout the week took part in an average of seven
arguments. Since there is no way to avoid conflicts altogether, therefore, I made it a goal to learn
how to handle them efficiently with some of the people I am around the most: my friends and
roommates. Throughout the semester through extensive research and applying it into my life, I
learned the most effective methods to manage conflicts. My paper elaborates on three very
important methods suggested by scholars who have done extensive research and studies on
conflict. These methods include choosing the correct conflict style, avoiding using evaluative
“you” language and addressing behavior, not someone’s personality.
Literature Review
Authors Truman Leung and Min-Sun Kim observed college students in order to obtain
research about conflict between peers. In Conflict management there are ten conflict handling
styles: avoiding, smoothing, obliging, integrating, compromising, dominating, threatening,
relational coercing, deceiving, and ingratiating. These all fall into four categories: unassertive,
cooperative, aggressive and wily. The chosen style during a conflict depends greatly on the
situation and the people.
Adler and Proctor (2011) elaborate on very similar conflict styles and when to use which.
Avoiding, ignoring the conflict, can be a good and bad style depending on the situation. It
happens in many different ways such as completely staying away from the person or acting as if
the issue doesn’t exist by joking or not talking about it. When an issue is really bothering a
person, it should not be avoided (sec 11-2a). A study done by the University of Tennessee found
that the romantic partner referred to as the “self silencer” who avoids confronting the other about

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issues are less satisfied and dealing more with frustration and discomfort than those who are
more confrontational towards their partner (Harper, M. S., & Welsh, D. P., 2007). This is true for
all relationships. It leads to the build up of disappointment and sometimes resentment. This is
usually because an individual keeps doing the same things, when they’re unaware that it
someone is being offended. By choosing this conflict management style, issues never become
resolved. However, avoiding is sometimes the best option when the issue is very small and not
reoccurring. Confronting someone in that sort of situation could make it seem like a person is
coming off too controlling with too high of expectations. Accommodating, going with what the
other person wants, is the selfless option (sec. 11-2b). Accommodating is good to an extent until
the person starts taking advantage of the other. In this case I would confront my friend using the
tactics described previously. Compromising involves both people sacrificing in order to come to
a mutual, somewhat beneficial agreement (sec. 11-2d). This is a great option in most cases to
avoid an argument. However, no one gets all that they want by choosing this style. Collaborating
seeks to find an “our way” solution to problems. It’s when people involved find an option that
allows everyone to be happy and reach their goals (sec. 11-2e). However, this is not always
possible. Competing is a win-lose situation and should only be used if a person feels they must
get their way only. Most of the time this is not an efficient way to use during a conflict in order
to maintain a good relationship with someone (sec. 11-2c).
In the article, Self Improvement (199), dealing with conflict research the author informs the
audience how conflict is not always bad. How a person handles it, determines how the argument
goes. He has found in his research that many people have issues with others but most of the time
they do not share with the person. For example, when researching couples (Roloff & Cloven,
1990) discovered that the people in the relationship could very easily list irritations about their

5. CONFLICT MANAGEMENT 5
mate but never had shared them out loud with him/her before. This is because of many reasons
involving thoughts that nothing will change, they will get mad, etc. This is an example of the
avoiding style of conflict and its harmful affects. Adler and Proctor talk a lot about the harmful
effects of using evaluative “you language”. It shows more concern for defending yourself rather
than resolving the issue (sec. 11-1c). It is described under evaluation as one of Gibbs categories
of defensive behaviors. Instead, “I” language ought to be used which causes the speaker to take
responsibility for his/her message and provokes less defensive reactions. “You” language also is
likely to cause face-threatening acts to the person being confronted. It is also very important to
address behavior rather than personality when talking about an issue. Adler and Proctor use this
example. If two friends are going to the movies and one is late, making both of them late,
addressing the behavior using “I” language would sound something like, “I wish you would have
been on time, we are going to miss the movie.” Addressing problems like that sounds critical and
is less likely to attack someone’s character rather than a statement like, “You are so
inconsiderate, you made us miss the movie.”
Creasey and Kershaw (1999) found that young adults manage conflict with friends using
styles that involve negotiation and compromising more than with others such as parents. “It is
theorized that one reason that adolescents cope with peer conflict in such a manner is due to their
realization that explosive outbursts, domination, or sudden withdrawal may seriously
compromise evolving relationships with attachment figures outside the family system.”
Negotiating and compromising appears essential in their research to maintaining close
relationships with friends in that stage of life.
Personal Experience
My Plan

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I took all that I had learned into consideration to attempt to benefit my relationships. The
relationships I focused on handling conflict with specifically were the people that I am around
the most: my friends and roommates. I frequently disagree with my friends on issues and don’t
feel like my roommates are being considerate. I planned to handle these problems in effective
ways to resolve the issues instead of not mentioning anything. In order to do this, I made it a goal
to start addressing the issues to my friends and roommates with an “we’re all in this together”
attitude (section 11-1a) as Adler and Proctor suggests, not using evaluative “you” language,
discussing the issues with behavior not personality traits, and choosing the correct style of
conflict management.
My Experience
My experiences definitely backed up the research about conflict. As Adler and Proctor put it,
the outcome and benefits from a conflict all depend on how it is address and dealt with (sec. 11-
1c). Therefore, I dealt with issues differently than I had before. I found that addressing an issue
by describing behavior is a very effective way in order to not provoke defensive behavior. When
dealing with conflict it was important to handle the situation in an “we’re all in this together”
way, making my friends feel like I was willing to compromise and collaborate and sacrifice in
order to maintain the peace in the relationship as Creasey and Kershaw (1999) described most
adults my age usually undertaking to uphold friendships. None of my experiences negated my
research. However, some of it requires a person to be more bold and confrontational than I am to
be capable to handle conflict in the most successful way. Therefore, I didn’t always choose the
best conflict style.
Effective & Ineffective Methods
In my recent conflicts I was exposed to how important using skills in conflict were. A

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conflict with one of my best friends I had within the last month confirmed this since it was very
similar to a conflict in the past with a different friend. It was the same type of conflict, however I
handled the two issues in very different ways, which led to very different outcomes. One of my
best friends, Carly and I had a trip planned for this summer. We were both very excited about it
and had just met up to assure we were prepared for the trip. About a week later she called me and
told that she had decided to not go anymore. When this happened the year before with the other
friend, I immediately became very angry and specifically remember saying, “You’re a bad
friend.” This obviously sparked defensive behavior that imposed a face-threatening act to her
character. She responded by defending herself rather than trying to fix the argument saying,
“Don’t say I’m a bad friend…” then describing why she thought I was wrong. It had turned into
an argument rather than us working together to come to a solution and keep the peace. Therefore,
this time since I knew how to handle the problem in the best way, I made sure to use the skills I
acquired through my research. When my friend broke the news to me I asked a lot of questions
with the purpose of perception checking (Adler & Proctor, sec. 11-1c). The helped me realize
that she was a good friend, and this particular situation did not change that. Also, she cared about
me and did frequently apologize while explaining her reasoning. For that reason I knew I needed
to handle it in a civilized manner. I had already perception checked and listened carefully to what
she had to say. Next I explained my feelings about her behavior, rather than saying something
like before, “you’re a bad friend” and told her how I was very disappointed but I somewhat
understood where she was coming from. Because of these effective strategies, it was just a
conflict that was handled correctly instead of an argument that could harm our relationship.
In the contrary, I was a victim of evaluative “you” language during a conflict with future
roommates. We had recently signed a lease on a house for next school year together. The three

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girls I am living with were very enthusiastic about the house but I wasn’t set on it. However, I
signed the lease anyway hoping it would turn out to be a suitable home for us. Since I wasn’t in
love with the house like they were, they told me I could pick the room I wanted first. We hadn’t
been back to the house since the first showing so I wasn’t sure which room I wanted and the girls
were getting antsy about making the room decisions especially my friend Anna who already
knew which room she wanted. When I told them that it was necessary for us to go back to the
house again to look at it more closely and get the dimensions of the room, one my friends said to
me, “No offense Erin but you’re being high maintenance.” Even though she said “no offense”
that didn’t help me to not be offended because of the way she said it. Anna also said “I think it’s
fair that I get the room I want since I already know which one.” She attacked my personality by
calling me high maintenance and made me feel defensive because of her “you” language. She
also was using the competing conflict style so that she could get the room she chose. It could
have been said in a more effective way, using a different style and by saying something like,
“Erin, why do you feel like that is necessary to have to go back to the house to make a decision?
I don’t understand. Can I have the room I want since I already decided?” Since she didn’t I took
it upon myself to cool down the argument by attempting to have her understand my perception
on things, along with apologizing since she thought I was being high maintenance. This made me
understand the research even more since I experienced it first hand.
In a situation with a current roommate, I was having issues with how she was handling her
dishes. The only problems we’ve had this year have been the result of a lack of communication.
She would always let her dishes stack up in the sink to the point that I wouldn’t even have
enough room to be able to rinse a dish in order to put it in the dishwasher. At first I used the
avoiding conflict style hoping she would eventually put them away. But it happened multiple

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times and it always took her at least a week before she put the dishes in the dishwasher. Until I
confronted the issue it kept getting worse. This backs up the research that states avoiding should
never be the chosen conflict style unless it is a small, irrelevant problem.
Lessons Learned
Based off of my research and experiences, I learned a lot about how to handle conflict. I
learned that unless it is an appropriate situation for avoidance because the issue is insignificant
and unimportant, a conflict should always be addressed. When it isn’t the people being affected
cannot benefit at all and the relationship and situation heads in a downward spiral. Although
avoidance is viewed as the easiest way, handling conflict efficiently is sometimes hard and
requires a person to be bold. I found that if the relationship is very important to the persons
involved, competition should not be used as the conflict style. Compromising and collaborating
would benefit the relationship the most, especially in my relationships with roommates and
friends. I also have learned how you say something is one of the most important things. Such as
rewording a sentence so that you are using “I” language instead of “You” language so that the
person is less likely to be offended and the confrontation isn’t a face-threatening act to the
person. Perception checking is also very important in conflict. Making sure you realize where
the other is coming from is key. To accomplish this, questions should be asked and emotions
should be described in a healthy, calm way.
Future Research
Research about how to manage conflict is very important since it is such a common thing and
people ought to be taught how through it. There is not enough research in COM journals done by
scholars about general conflict between friends. Most of the articles I found were so specific. For
example one was conflict between Asian Americans. I also would have liked to been able to find

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more statistics about relationships failing/succeeding based off how conflict was dealt with. In
my own life experience, I have observed how often conflict worsens when it occurs through
technology such as through text and social media. It would be helpful if there were more
research about this and its effects. I would like to know if conflicts should always be addressed
in person or if it does not matter.
It is obvious that there are correct and incorrect ways to handle conflict in order to
maintain a relationship. Usually, a person’s first reaction to a conflict is not effective unless it is
first thought about how to handle. Through the research and my own experiences, I have learned
that “you” language is definitely not beneficial. The techniques that should always be used are
perception checking, using effective listening skills, using the correct conflict style and
describing behaviors rather than personality. If a person is careful to use these conflict-managing
skills, they are sure to be able to maintain their relationships better since conflict will inevitably
arise.

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References
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