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We advocate and teach prevention awareness to keep from getting entangled in an unhealthy relationship and we teach Safety Planning for exit and disentanglement once you are in an unhealthy situation. Teenage girls experience a higher rate of abuse in relationships but it does happen to boys. We will present a very simple plan to use early on in a relationship When it is easier to enforce. As the relationship continues, if it is unhealthy, it may require help from a safe and trusted person to disentangle and to support you as you leave that relationship.
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- 1. S.A.V.E. FOR TEENS PREVENTING OR DISENTANGLING FROM UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS Introducing
- 3. STATISTICS: National Coalition against Domestic Violence (NCADV) and DoSomething.org 2014-15 • 1 in 3 young adults between 16 and 24 will be in an abusive or unhealthy relationship. • 33% of young adults in America are victim to sexual, physical. verbal, or emotional dating abuse.
- 4. 26% of teens in relationships are victims of cyber-dating abuse 95% report emotional and psychological abuse 50% of this population overall who reported dating violence and rape also reported attempting suicide.
- 5. We must let our young adults know this type of behavior is neither normal or an expectation. They need a “safe” person to talk to about their feelings and the pressures they are experiencing. 33% NEVER TELL ANYONE
- 7. Teens are amazing; but they need your help to establish healthy relationship boundaries in order to make healthy relationship choices. Mechanical Flower
- 9. After deciding the answer to these questions He or she can now define their boundaries. That’s where we want to begin: I need your help to answer those questions about myself and make right choices
- 10. With your help, your teenager or young adult can set positive boundaries
- 11. ABSTRACT SOPHISTICATED ZERO TOLERANCE FOR ABUSE DYNAMIC MODERN I DO NOT ALLOW THAT BEHAVIOR
- 12. Example boundary statements to help make right choices: I will not allow anyone to make fun of me I will not allow anyone to yell at me I will not allow anyone to call me names I will not be coerced into sexual activity against my will I will not allow anyone to put me down based on my looks or beliefs I will not allow unsafe behavior (such as driving recklessly while I am in car) I will not allow anyone to force or manipulate me into drug or alcohol use…
- 15. Put you down constantly? Yell or curse at you? Make fun of your ideas? Accuse or blame you? Block conversations? Dismiss the abuse as trivial? Make fun of you on social media? VERBAL ABUSE
- 16. Physical Abuse Pushing, shoving, biting, kicking, hitting, choking, restraining… Intimidation Harsh looks, gestures, actions, threats, smashing things, punching walls, throwing objects…
- 17. One manipulative intimidation tactic is to play on your sympathy and make you feel guilty for not rescuing him (or her) To make it your fault! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
- 18. Isolation- Tries to keep you from contact with friends and family. Is jealous, tracks you via phone, or stalks you, listens to your Conversations Constantly texts You.
- 20. 8 SIGNS of emotional, psychological abuse- 1 . Causes you to doubt your memory because his (her)version of events is so different from yours? 2. Says he (she) is trying to make you a better person- yet- stays moody and angry most of the time. 3. Minimizes his abuse; says its your fault
- 21. 4. Calls you names, puts you down, publically insults you, is narcissistic, and sarcastic. Says later, he didn’t mean it that way. 5. Close minded, does not want to hear your opinion, says “this is just the way I am.” 6. Makes fun of your dreams, your goals and desires, your self-identity. His plans and ideas are more Important so he cuts you off.
- 22. 7. Wants to change you; your hair, the way you dress, wants you to lose weight? 8. Has a negative reply to everything you bring up.
- 24. Maybe this relationship is not a fit for you?
- 25. INTRODUCING:
- 26. S.A.V.E. S= STOP- literally stop and breathe A= ASSESS- what boundary was crossed V= VOICE – your boundary and state the consequence. (you will leave for ex.) E=ENFORCE- the consequence (leave) THE SAVE PLAN
- 28. STOP AND BREATHE ASSESS OR DETERMINE THE BOUNDARY THAT HAS BEEN CROSSED VOICE THE BOUNDARY AND THE CONSEQUENCE ENFORCE THE BOUNDARY BY APPLYING THE CONSEQUENCE
- 29. LET’S LOOK AT SOME TYPICAL BOUNDARIES AND CONSEQUENCES YOU MIGHT PUT INTO PRACTICE
- 30. SAY I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO DISRESPECT ME I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO YELL AT ME SAY I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO MANIPULATE ME I WILL NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO CALL ME NAMES SAY I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR FIXING ANOTHER PERSON I WILL NOT KEEP SILENT ABOUT ABUSE
- 31. SAY I will not make excuses for other people I am responsible for the company I keep SAY I will only participate in safe activities If people ignore me I do not hang around SAY I have the right to be respected I will not be treated like an object
- 32. Don’t Say: Why did you say that to me? That hurt my feelings Don’t Try To fix him To analyze him Don’t compromise on abuse On safety
- 33. Consequence: You walk away. End relationship. You tell a safe person and/ or report to authority.
- 35. You can decide to start appying and enforcing boundaries right now and begin to weave a fantastic new you!
- 36. Get this down in your heart! You can’t change the other person because you don’t have the power or the right. There is only one person you can change-YOU! You CAN stop being a target and disengage from the relationship. Use the SAVE Plan!
- 38. BOOKS RESEARCHED OR RECOMMENDED: BOUNDARIES WITH TEENS- DR. JOHN TOWNSEND (FOR PARENTS, TEACHERS) RESPECT-ME RULES- MICHAEL MARSHALL AND SHELLY MARSHALL GIRLS, WASH YOUR FACE- RACHEL HOLLIS ON RELATIONSHIPS- A BOOK FOR TEENAGERS- KIMBERLY KIRBERGER THE MESSAGE BIBLE OR KINGS JAMES REVISED
Editor's Notes
- We advocate and teach prevention awareness to keep from getting entangled in an unhealthy relationship and we teach Safety Planning for exit and disentanglement once you are in an unhealthy situation. Teenage girls experience a higher rate of abuse in relationships but it does happen to boys. We will present a very simple plan to use early on in a relationship When it is easier to enforce. As the relationship continues, if it is unhealthy, it may require help from a safe and trusted person to disentangle and to support you as you leave that relationship.
- Hope’s Door is a faith-based ministry serving women fleeing domestic violence and abuse. We educate volunteer advocates who want to be trained to assist these women and their families. We provide Victims Advocate services as needed to our clients. We refer women to resources to meet their needs whether it is law enforcement, shelter, medical, legal, or food and clothing. We also counsel women in shelter and/or not in shelter and seek to serve anyone who contacts us regardless of where they may be located. We educate, support, and guide. Our counseling is faith based: We use Christian counselors certified with Restoring the Foundations and Transformation Ministries and we work in collaboration with Kings Home. Our funding is donor and grant based.
- These are just a few statistics in reference to American youth. Our culture is rife with violence in every quarter of society and it is not just the young. There are many factors that have brought this about but the primary reason is that, as a society, we have satisfied ourselves and our personal needs to a point that has numbed our consciences so that many of us are even unaware that we often do not act on sound principles or on values that reflect integrity, compassion and love for our fellow man. But- we can turn the tide if we can change the heart and minds of our teens and young adults.
- In 2015 ABC33/40 reported that Alabama rated second in the nation for women killed by their partner.
- We are the responsible party. As human beings, citizens of America, we are obligated to teach our youth, especially girls, that they are of INCOMPARABLE worth. Things do happen, but we can teach them how to prevent or walk away from abuse. Your job is to keep those communication lines open. All teens need a SAFE person to talk to! A SAFE person is trustworthy, confidential, insightful, resourceful, and is wise and compassionate. Faith-based statements: As Christians, we have a mandate to teach our youth, that they are of great value and worth. They are the apple of God’s eye. (Keep me as the apple of your eye: hide me in the shadow of your wings.”) Psalm 17:8 They matter, their life matters, God has a plan and a purpose for each young man or woman (“for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11) It will keep their heart and mind in a place of peace if it is followed. “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee” Isaiah 26: 3. Things happen, but there are things we can teach them to prevent or walk away from, abuse is one of them. Jesus tells us in John 16:33 “…In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.” They can have a healthy relationship! Remember, they need a safe place, a safe person!
- You are here because you have a concern for teens. Whatever your involvement is, know that you can make a difference in their lives. Educate them, give them the tools we are going to present to you. Encourage them to form a support group among their peers who will stand with them as they stand against bullying and abuse in relationships. Faith-based statement: They do need peer support and trusted Christian leaders to teach them how to enjoy life as a Christian and to give them identity within a like-minded community, This lessens the possibility of abusive relationships.
- Teens are the most exciting and wonderful people on the planet because of their amazing potential to make the world a better place, to interject astonishing talent, and to bring joy into every circumstance. They can also be among the most maligned, misunderstood and depressed when there is no vision for a better way to live, a better way to love, a way to actually live healthy and fulfilling lives. They need to be built up every day and they need to learn to build up others. (They learn by example!) Life truly is worth living- without violence and abuse! In a healthy relationship. Teach them a friend should be trusted to tell us the truth even when it hurts but not to abuse that trust. You should be able to feel at ease and be yourself with a true friend. One of the most important rules you can teach is that they must set boundaries. Boundaries are developed from your own set of values and from how you feel about yourself and your own needs. Healthy teens set healthy boundaries and choose friends wisely. Teach them to love and value themselves and they will know what to allow and what not to allow into their lives. Faith-based statements: What does the bible say about boundaries? “Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate easily angered.” (Proverbs 22:34). “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” (Proverbs 13:20). A good friend, as we said will tell you the truth in a loving way. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:6)
- Help your youth to establish their own self-worth and they will be able to maintain it by aligning every choice with these questions. Faith-based statements: One of the ways to help your teen set boundaries to establish their own self-worth is to help them develop the character and fruit of the Holy Spirit. These fruit develop through exercise of the mind, will, and emotions under the control of the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5: 22-23 teaches what these are: Love, joy, peace, tolerance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. In other words, we have to restrain ourselves from negative words and actions even when it seems right. 2 Timothy 1:7 shows what God gives us to exercise personal discipline. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and self-control (or a sound mind in KJV).”
- Teens must know It is possible to have a healthy relationship with friends and not feel controlled or afraid or unhappy. It is possible to enjoy being a healthy, fulfilled teenager! Teach your teen to set healthy boundaries. They must know it is their job to set boundaries and keep them.
- All of these images are pictures of boundaries we can enforce or boundaries enforced on us by the society we live in. Boundaries establish limits to what we will tolerate and what we will say no to.
- We have found through experience and research, that when an individual respects himself or herself, there is great hope for freedom and happiness in their lives.
- Its ok to say no. It’s not ok not to mean it!
- Lets stop a moment and look into the signs of unhealthy relationships so that you are not caught off-guard. Just exactly what is the profile of an unhealthy person in a relationship? One sign is that they may make you feel like one in a million to begin with. That kind of personality is either your soul-mate who is going to bring you fulfillment and happiness or your worst nightmare who is using this tactic to control your life. Here are some signs that this person could be an abuser:
- Usually other types of abuse such as physical or sexual will begin with verbal. This tactic is used to wear you down and control you; Then the other type of abuse come easier for the abuser because you are under his or her control. Sometimes your teenager or young adult may feel as though they must have a bulls eye on their backs. They seem to be the target for hateful behavior from others. Let them Tell them “you are not a target! Don’t volunteer!”
- Keep in mind that these are brief descriptions. There could be much more happening in each area. On the Continuum of Abuse set by the National Association for Domestic Violence Against Women each one of these types of abuse if carried to the extreme can end in death. 1 in 3 women experience domestic abuse each day and every 9 seconds a woman is battered. If your teens don’t learn how to choose healthy relationships, their lives could be devastated or destroyed.
- Sometimes intimidation is a reverse action of trying to make you feel guilty or sorry so that you stick around.
- He tells you he is protecting you. Or that he really loves you and wants you all to himself or herself; doesn’t want to “share” you. Doesn’t want you driving alone. Will take you where need to go; as a matter of fact will plan your day!
- These behaviors result in what is “crazy making” or “gaslighting.” When the abuser is trying to make you doubt yourself or feel worthless. He will try to make you feel as though only he can bring you happiness and he will choose the way in which he does that. These wounds may not show up on the outside but your heart and soul will be devastated and you may feel you are trapped and can never break free.
- These are only a few signs of this area of abuse. This is the most common areas and vital area to begin to see the first signs of abuse. Unfortunately it is usually the prelude to physical and or sexual abuse. We did not include sexual abuse because if that is already happening It is usually too late to try preventive measures. There is a bond created when sexual boundaries are crossed and often it is necessary for professional therapy to be able to break this bond it and heal from it.
- This leaves you confused. You thought you wanted to stay friends or stay in this dating relationship. Now you are not so sure. If you are experiencing any of the behaviors we have cited, You are probably in an abusive relationship. Sometimes these relationships are very confusing because there is good and bad. Love and hate. Like and dislike. But these are not normal behaviors. You are experiencing the Power and Control Wheel.
- Good News! You have the power to get off the wheel! The sooner you decide to stop the abuse and/or exit, the better! if you have experienced any of the signs we have mentioned or if you are feeling caught on a roller coaster of tension and abuse, you need to talk with a safe person to help you make a safety plan to exit the relationship. Abuse does not improve with age, ignoring it does not make it go away, the abuser MUST have a heart change. Even with that our recommendation is that he has someone you can trust to hold him accountable for changed behavior for one to two years.
- It’s time to decide if this relationship is a fit for you. You are not required to be a target nor are you required to adapt to the relationship!! if the pieces don’t fit it will never work. Faith-based scriptures: There are many verses that show God does not tolerate abuse and even gives action for what to do with an abuser: “Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease.” (Proverbs 22:10) “The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence,” “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor be put away from you along with all malice.” (Ephesians 4:31)
- Using the foundation of knowing your boundaries and the consequence you will apply if they are crossed, HOPE’S DOOR is introducing a strategy that we believe will give your youth a basic plan that can apply to any situation and that will prevent getting into an unhealthy relationship or help them safely exit one.
- This acronym will to help you carry them out. Boundaries have to be enforced if you want results. If your teen carefully implements these next 8 strategies he or she will begin to have healthy relationships by becoming a healthier person.
- These are great affirmative statements to keep in mind: You do not say these to the abuser; you say these to yourself! This is why a peer support group is great because they will affirm you with statements similar to this. Faith-based statements: A good faith-based youth group is a great start for getting affirmations straight from God’s Word.
- These are a few more statements of declaration and affirmation. These are not meant to be arrogant statements but truthful statements. We are to be responsible not reactionary. Yes, there are rights but know your responsibilities also.
- These types of statements or actions tend to backfire and cause an abuser to escalate. They give him openings to abuse you further. Deep inside you know if this person is capable of hurting you. Get help. Domestic violence is a crime.
- Time to make a U-Turn! Do not react, assess the situation, determine your boundary, state it. If person continues-walk away, get to safety, tell a safe person, Stop seeing this person.
- Until now, you may have felt you could not untangle yourself from this relationship. Maybe you felt helpless, not smart enough to say the right thing. Maybe you were not in a position to avoid the abuser. I hope some of the strategies we have given you will give you the tools to prevent, avoid, disentangle yourself. Remember that the consequences you set have to be appropriate and reasonable and something you will enforce. SO LET’S CHANGE THIS PICTURE!
- Use the experience to be a stronger, more discerning teenager. Your life is meant to be a beautiful pattern that brings life and joy to YOU and to those around you. You get to decide how to live your life. Faithbased: As Christians we know that God has a plan for our lives and that we are here for a purpose. Jeremiah 29:11 The secret is to give Him control.
- There is often an intense belief in a girl’s heart that if she just continues to love him or help him with his problems he will change. Not true, Only he can stop his abusive behavior! In my first marriage I thought if I loved him enough I could change him. I began dating him at 16, married him at 18 and our marriage lasted 14 years. I had a hard time realizing I could not love him enough to change him. Tradition taught me I was required to stay in the marriage and the relationship was very mixed. There were good days and bad days. I kept thinking I could make it through the bad so that we could enjoy the good. But the good didn’t last; the bad did.
- THERE ARE MANY MORE BOOKS THAT COULD BE RECOMMENDED AS WELL AS ON-LINE SITES. THESE ARE SOME I HAVE READ OR KNOW THE AUTHOR.