Not a day goes by that I don’t notice my Self-Protective System (emotional/instinctual brains) being triggered and that I am on the verge of reacting in a defensive fashion. It might be triggered by something as simple as being asked whether I have finished something that I haven’t even started yet because I am so far behind on my workload; or something more mundane such as getting stuck in traffic when I am already late for a meeting. Most of the time, I notice my automatic reactions and can shift gears in my brain so that I respond to situations in a way that doesn’t trigger defensiveness in others. Other times the Self-Protective System of my brain takes over, causing automatic reactions from my emotional brain to dominate. Certainly not a day goes by that I don’t have to deal with the defensiveness of others. I am sure this is the same for most people. We don’t always “name” what is happening, e.g. “Oh, I just realized I was being defensive. Can we start again?” or “I’m not sure what just happened, but you seem to have taken a position, rather than discussing options. Is this the case?” When people experience the self-protective behaviors of others, they go into their own defensive strategies — avoid, withdraw, challenge, deny, etc. Everyone tiptoes around the “elephants in the room”, for fear that we trigger someone’s defenses and we won’t know how to deal with them. In the workplace, this is demonstrated in various behaviors — the leader who frequently chastises employees publicly for insignificant errors putting everyone else on the defensive; an employee that fails to get their work done on time causing problems for the entire team, without comment from their leader; or employees who spend half their day in personal activities on their computer without comment from anyone.

1. Practical Insight
THE NEWSLETTER OF CALIBER LEADERSHIP SYSTEMS NOVEMBER 2015
Five Signs of Defensive
Behaviour
♦ Avoiding peers, direct
reports or even your boss;
♦ Withdrawing from
discussions, interactions
and making yourself
‘unavailable’;
♦ Challenging other,
initiating arguments over
minor things or splitting
hairs;
♦ Denying anything is going
on, saying “it’s fine” when
asked;
♦ Tip toeing around the
‘elephant in the room’.
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Understanding Defensive Behaviour
Defensiveness in Daily Life
Not a day goes by that I don’t notice my Self-Protective System (emotional/instinctual
brains) being triggered and that I am on the verge of reacting in a defensive fashion. It
might be triggered by something as simple as being asked whether I have finished
something that I haven’t even started yet because I am so far behind on my workload;
or something more mundane such as getting stuck in traffic when I am already late for
a meeting. Most of the time, I notice my automatic reactions and can shift gears in my
brain so that I respond to situations in a way that doesn’t trigger defensiveness in
others. Other times the Self-Protective System of my brain takes over, causing
automatic reactions from my emotional brain to dominate.
Certainly not a day goes by that I don’t have to deal with the defensiveness of others. I
am sure this is the same for most people. We don’t always “name” what is happening,
e.g. “Oh, I just realized I was being defensive. Can we start again?” or “I’m not sure
what just happened, but you seem to have taken a position, rather than discussing
options. Is this the case?” When people experience the self-protective behaviors of
others, they go into their own defensive strategies — avoid, withdraw, challenge, deny,
etc. Everyone tiptoes around the “elephants in the room”, for fear that we trigger
someone’s defenses and we won’t know how to deal with them. In the workplace, this
is demonstrated in various behaviors — the leader who frequently chastises employees
publicly for insignificant errors putting everyone else on the defensive; an employee
that fails to get their work done on time causing problems for the entire team, without
comment from their leader; or employees who spend half their day in personal
activities on their computer without comment from anyone.
While feeling defensive and acting from our Self-Protective System is normal human
behavior, we rarely talk about it as though this is the case. We are often embarrassed by
our own need to protect ourselves and can even be defensive when someone points out
that we are being defensive. Not accepting how normal it is for us to behave this way
and that it’s our task to develop our brains so that we can respond to life situations
rather than reacting defensively keeps us in dysfunctional patterns of behavior that
limit our growth and development.
The Physiology of Defensive Behavior
The Self-Protective System of the brain is there to ensure that we, as human beings,
physically and psychologically survive. Our brains have evolved so that we are now
able to use reason in our responses to life as well as emotional and instinctual reactions.
However, delays in brain development during childhood cause us to continue to use
our instinctual and emotional self-protective behaviors without awareness of the
limitations our defensive reactions put on us. We are born with our brains wired to
survive and this remains our agenda in adulthood if our childhood environment is not
safe and our attachment to our mother or primary caretaker is not secure.
© 2015 Caliber Leadership Systems

2. Contrary to popular ideas about defensive
behavior, we don’t learn them. They are
hard-wired into the fabric of our brain’s
physical organization and the function of
the brain that dominates. Based on the
function that dominates, we are wired to
use defenses that ensure we get our
psychological needs met. Understanding
the mechanics of the mind and how the
brain develops is critical to learning how
to manage and develop behavior. We
need to observe our thoughts and feelings
and know when we are scaring or
undermining ourselves with negative
automatic thoughts or telling ourselves
upsetting stories about why others are
behaving the way they do (and it’s always
because of us!)
Behaviors of the Self-Protective System
are self-focused. They are only concerned
with the preservation of the self, self-
image or self-concept. These emotionally
charged behaviors look different in
people of different brain organizations.
This means that the person who is in
control, perfectly rational and logical is
just as self-protective as their emotionally
expressive, seemingly out of control,
counterpart. While the behaviors look
different, the self-centered approach and
the insistence that they are right and
others are wrong or that they have been
wronged or victimized come from the
same place.
While it is a normal part of human
psychology and brain functioning, I have
found through my research that most
people don’t know much about how our
brain is wired to be self-protective and
what to do when they find themselves
taking a position or denying what they
know to be true. While people are
curious about why they are defensive,
most of what is written about it seems to
be bogged down in psychological jargon
or doesn’t really explain why you
immediately go to those behaviors even
when you know there is nothing to be
defensive about. I have had many clients
who were so used to being self-protective
by denying their needs that even when
they had the opportunity to open up,
they chose not to. We know the subjects,
behaviors or emotions that put us on the
defensive, but we don’t know the
mechanics of the mind and how to step
out of the reaction once we find ourselves
in it.
Living in Survival, Without
Knowing It
We age, but we don’t all mature. We
have some idea that when you reach a
certain age we should know better, act
mature, not be emotional, and certainly
not show any fear or vulnerability. Many
people are so busy judging themselves for
not attaining their idea or image they
have for the way they should be, that
they ignore their gifts, talents and
potential. Living in survival, they never
feel good enough, because they are
constantly telling themselves that they
aren’t. In order to thrive, to live life from
the Self-Actualizing System of the brain
(rational, emotional and instinctual
brains with connecting neural pathways)
we have to learn how to work at
developing the neural pathways that
allow for constant communication
between impulses, thoughts and feelings.
As adults, we have the potential to shift
from living in our Self-Protective System,
but first, we have to realize that we are
living in survival mode. We have to
know what this looks like for our
particular brain organization or Striving
Style. Our brain doesn’t develop
automatically and if we don’t think of
development as changing our physiology
the same way going to the gym and
exercising does, we can believe that we
only need to learn what to do and we will
magically change. This is not the case. If
you want the Self-Actualizing System of
the brain to develop so that you can live
your life in the pursuit of your hearts
desire, experiencing and dealing with
everything life brings to you and
achieving your potential, you have to
strengthen the neural pathways from
your emotional to your rational brain.
CALIBER LEADERSHIP SYSTEMS — Understanding Defensive Behaviour NOVEMBER 2015 Page 2
© 2015 Caliber Leadership Systems

3. Working on shifting from automatic self-
protective behaviors and strengthening
your Self-Actualizing System requires
that you develop your observing self; the
self that notices how you are feeling and
reacting and is curious about why. This
ability to observe one’s own feelings and
intervene on your own behalf requires
that you exercise self-awareness and
know your automatic defensive
behaviors. Too often we keep defending
ourselves even when there is no threat. It
might feel that way, but that doesn’t
make it true. It’s the automatic nature of
the self-protective System that causes us
to keep living in survival despite having
already survived. Living life from the Self
-Actualizing System allows us to
experience ourselves and our lives to the
fullest, without apology and without
having to defend ourselves.
How often are you Self-
Protective?
Check in with yourself when
communicating with others and notice
what your self-protective behaviors are.
Here are some things that you might
notice you do.
1. Rationalize - Explain, Defend, And
Make Excuses:
You find yourself saying “Yes, but…” to
comments about yourself, explaining why
you have to do things the way you do or
explaining why the other person is
wrong. You always feel that you have to
justify your behavior and act as though
questions are attacks on you. If someone
expresses a feeling, e.g. “I am
disappointed you won’t be coming to the
company picnic”, you get upset with
them and explain again the reasons why
you can’t rather than just knowing you
will be missed.
2. Agree with Your Attacker:
Someone tells you something negative
about yourself that you know isn’t true
(e.g. you always want to be the center of
attention or you always want your own
way) and rather than correct them or
create conflict, you agree with their
perception. You might even defend the
person’s right to treat you negatively as a
result of their idea of you.
3. Undermine or Devalue Others:
Rather than asserting yourself and
negotiating to get your own needs met,
you say yes and give in, appearing to be
cooperative. You then feel victimized by
them and go around talking about this
person behind their back, calling them
names like “selfish” or “control freak”,
undermining them to others. You might
also fail to do what you agreed to,
negatively impacting the other person
who was depending on you to get what
you agreed to finished.
4. Withdraw, Deny or Avoid Conflict:
You protect yourself by going inside
yourself and not saying anything about
what you think or feel about a situation.
You might also leave the situation
physically by calling in sick or not
showing up to a meeting. You avoid
people that make you feel nervous or
who expect something from you. You
might also avoid talking to someone
about something you are having difficulty
with. When you do talk about the issue,
you deny that it is a problem and tell the
other person it must just be them.
5. Passive-Aggressive Position:
When you feel someone has power and
authority over you, you find a way of
combating this by refusing to be helpful
to them when you know they need help;
you hold on to information that someone
else needs so that they will make a
mistake or have to work harder on their
own to find it; or saying you will do
something, knowing that you have no
intention to at all.
6. Attack, Counterattack:
You complain about a problem that you
are having and when someone gives you
some insight into your part in the
problem you attack or judge the other
person. You feel wounded,
misunderstood or victimized by the
suggestion that you might play a role in
your own problems. You might accuse
them of being mean and insensitive or
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4. you counter by drawing their attention to
something that they are struggling with
and how ineffective they are being.
7. Long-Suffering, Martyr:
You experience interpersonal conflict as a
burden that you have to bear. You talk to
others in a way that makes them feel that
by raising a legitimate issue with you that
they have mortally wounded you or
caused you suffering. Somehow, your
emotions become more important than
the actual issue and the other person is
forced to think about how you are
feeling.
8. Blame:
You shift the focus from yourself by
making the other person the reason for
your behavior or the way you feel. If you
didn’t get to work on time, it’s because
you just missed the bus and the
insensitive bus driver didn’t stop when he
saw you. You don’t think it’s because
you didn’t give
yourself enough
time. If you treat a
coworker or friend
badly and are
confronted, you let
them know it’s
because of the way
they have treated
you.
When we are honest with ourselves, we
will admit that we use these behaviors
more frequently than we like to admit.
However, recognizing them for what
they are — your automatic self-protective
behaviors — allows you to start shifting
your behavior and strengthening your
Self-Actualizing System.
Strengthening Your Self-
Actualizing System
The Self-Actualizing System of the brain
is strengthened by sustained learning,
reflecting, experimenting and
experiencing new activities and
behavioral responses. Strengthening the
Self-Actualizing System — building
neural connections between the
emotional/instinctual brains and the
rational brain can only happen through
the repetition of new behaviors and the
letting go of old, unproductive habits of
mind. Living from our Self-Actualizing
System is key to becoming who we are
meant to be and fulfilling our potential.
The Self-Actualizing System must be
strengthened before we can do any other
developmental activity; it does not just
develop on its own. You can’t just say
“I’m not going to do that anymore” or
“Now I know what to do. I just have to...”
So, it’s important to know exactly how to
do it.
By trying new things, facing your fears,
having new experiences and by making
different choices for how you think and
behave, you can develop the neural
pathways connecting your three brains in
order to start living from your Self-
Actualizing System. This takes a planned
and disciplined approach with constant
checking in with yourself to make sure
you haven’t slipped back into auto pilot.
Remember, change and development are
physiological processes, and if you don’t
stay on course, you won’t be building the
new neural pathways that create the
desired automatic habits of mind.
Anne Dranitsaris Ph.D.
For more information about how you can
learn to live from your Self-Actualizing
System, take the SSPS Level I Assessment
and download your complementary
Development Workbook. It provides a
complete roadmap for development with
the steps required for developing your Self-
Actualizing System. It offers all the
information, tools and experiential activities
needed to help you get to know yourself
and the mechanics of your mind. You will
build self-awareness through the practice
of mindfulness and other developmental
activities; learn the needs that drive your
behavior in relationships; and build skills to
create the types of relationships you want
to have.
www.caliberleadership.com
hhilliard@caliberleadership.com
adranitsaris@caliberleadership.com
416.406.3939
CALIBER LEADERSHIP SYSTEMS — Understanding Defensive Behaviour NOVEMEBER 2015 Page 4
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© 2015 Caliber Leadership Systems