The document discusses the concept of codependent leadership, characterized by dysfunctional relationships between leaders and employees driven by underlying fears of rejection and low self-worth. Codependent leaders, whether dominant or submissive, prioritize emotional needs over business objectives, leading to various issues such as poor performance management and ineffective decision-making. To address these challenges, the document suggests implementing performance management systems, establishing accountability frameworks, and fostering leadership development programs focused on emotional intelligence.

1. Codependent Leaders
Stop Creating Dysfunctional Relationships with Employees
by Anne Dranitsaris, PhD & Heather Hilliard
Codependence in any relationships broadly
refers to dysfunctional behavioral patterns
that are a result of a person’s underlying
fears of rejection, loss, abandonment, and
low self-worth. While it is common to hear
about codependence in personal
relationships and with addiction, you rarely
a dominant personality forms a relationship with
someone who will be submissive in the relationship,
thereby forming an emotional attachment where
the two people operate as one. Less confident or
submissive people do the opposite, seeking a
dominant personality to complete them and
abdicating authority for themselves.
hear leaders referred to in this way.
There is an either/or quality about codependent
However, may common leadership issues
behavior which gets in the way of having a genuine
are a direct result of a codependent
relationship with others. There is always an element
relationships with direct reports.
of “how is this person useful to me” or “how can I be
Codependent leaders can be very successful at
achieving their business objectives, but not their full
potential. While they work steadily to achieve their
goals and those of the business, part of their
attention and energy is going into caretaking,
supporting or compensating for employees
inadequacies. While it may not look like it, these
leaders make people decisions based on their
emotions and are easily thrown off course by those
of their employee’s, creating business and team
problems as a result.
What is a Codependent
Relationship?
Codependent relationships are a direct result of
failure to develop securely in relationship to primary
caregivers during childhood. As adults, these people
unconsciously seek relationships with others who
make them feel more capable, useful, powerful, and
less anxious. Codependent relationships occur when
useful to them” in the dynamic with a belief that
one or the other has to compromise themselves to
get their needs met. Because a codependent person
can operate from either side of the spectrum, it is
important to understand both sides of their
behavior and why they often look like two different
people. The following chart shows the two sides of
the codependent personality and how they expect
the other to behave to complete them.

2. Codependence Spectrum
Dominant
Codependent
Behavior
Seeks to
feel
whole
Submissive
Codependent
Behavior
Controlling
Scattered
Competent
Inadequate
Gives
Takes
Helpful
Helpless
Aggressive
Passive
Useful
Needy
Inflated Sense of
Self
Deflated Sense of
Self
or give clear performance expectations, they will fail
others. They don’t trust that anyone can do their job
without their help.
While there are many codependent leadership
behaviors, the following are examples of what
codependent leaders look like from the dominant
position and from the submissive position.
Submissive Codependent Leaders
Excessive Cooperation & Inclusion
This leader includes everyone in the decision
making process so that no one feels left out. They
may seem to others that they are incapable of
making decisions on their own. They can slow down
planning processes or bring people to meetings
Signs of the Codependent Leader
that have nothing to contribute. This so called
A codependent leader is difficult to spot, especially
frustrate other employees who have earned the
when they are in a senior role in an organization or
right to participate in decisions. It also wastes
a successful entrepreneur. At first glance, it usually
valuable time and costs the business large amounts
looks as though problems are a result of employees
of money in lost productivity.
failing to perform in their roles. But when you look
at the whole picture, for example the lack of
performance management systems and
accountability practices; incomplete or ineffective
communication; and the dynamic between leader
and employee, you start to see what the actual
issues are. You can also see why the leader’s
behavior is causing the dysfunctional behavior and
the poor performance and what needs to happen to
make the necessary shift.
While most leaders would admit that they depend
on their employees to achieve their goals,
codependent leaders consciously or unconsciously
act from their emotions, putting emotional needs
ahead of the best interests of the business. They
often fear that if they are firm, correct performance
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collaborative decision making process only serves to
Fail to Give Performance Expectations
These leaders have difficulty asserting their
authority and asking for what they want. As a result,
the codependent leader has difficulty defining and
delivering performance expectations. Excessively
permissive, they allow employees to do things their
own way instead of staying involved to ensure
procedures and systems are followed.
Inflate Achievements
Codependent leaders tend to praise excessively,
causing their employees to either believe everything
they do is amazing or frustrate high achievers by
praising them for routine parts of their job. While
some employees like the feeling of their manager
praising them, it lowers the performance bar
substantially and ultimately becomes meaningless.
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3. Fail to Deal with Poor Performance
contribute enough and that they have to do
Most people have had the experience of working
everything themselves.
for a leader who won’t deal with performance
problems as it is a constant source of frustration
on teams. The codependent leader is afraid to
upset the employee by telling them they aren’t
performing well and so they put off having the
discussion. Even when other direct reports
complain to them about the employee, they
avoid doing so.
Inability to Say ‘No”
The fear of being abandoned or disliked by
Avoid Training & Development
The dominant codependent leader is overly
concerned with their image and will avoid
assessment and development activities that make
them feel vulnerable or anxious. Anxiety and fear of
being seen as weak stops them from participating.
They act as though they don’t need anyone or
anything, keeping feelings of anxiety that come
when depending on others at bay. They believe that
others need help, not them.
employees causes codependent leaders to say “yes”
whenever an employee asks for something. Whether
it is time off or an increase in salary, their fear that
the employee will be upset with them or leave if
they don’t give them what they want causes them to
say yes when the business needs them to say no.
They are easily taken advantage of by employees
and end up working longer and harder to meet the
goals of their department.
Dominant Codependent Leaders
Foster Dependency in Employees
These leaders make their direct reports dependent
on them by assuming to know what is best for
Overpower Others
them. They don’t trust their employees to do certain
Because they are unable to engage in cooperative
things the way they want them done and fail to
activities, dominant codependent leaders overpower
delegate, mentor or coach performance. Should
people to get their own way. When their direct
they delegate tasks, they rarely delegate authority
reports challenge or disagree with them, they will
to make the final decision. These micromanagers
lose their temper, becoming demeaning and
make direct reports depend on them and are often
disparaging of the person and their ideas. They
the bottleneck in the business. They are often feared
believe it is the employees fault when they lose their
by their employees, who over time become more
temper and don’t take responsibility for the way
submissive and reluctant to offer any opinion. These
they behave.
leaders complain that their employees don’t
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4. Hire Incompetent Employees
1. Learning to focus on issues, not on feelings.
Dominant codependent leaders tend to feel
Focusing on how employees might feel instead
threatened by competent people and will make
of on the needs of the business creates more
emotional decisions about hiring people based
issues. The codependent leader will see the
on how the candidate has made them feel. Often
they hire people who don’t have the capability to
do the job effectively. As a result, the
codependent relationship (leader feels validated)
will thrive at the expense of the business. Over
time, poor hiring decisions takes its toll on other
employees and on the bottom line.
Take Credit for Achievement of Employees
The inability to share success is one of the hallmarks
of the dominant codependent leader. There is no
employee as the problem rather than looking at
it from a dynamic, systems perspective. By
putting energy into understanding or
rationalizing employee behavior, real issues
don’t get resolved, nor does it prevent
problems from happening again. Get training
in issues based decision making or conflict
management skills. Coaching helps leaders
how to shift their attention from the
personal to solving issues.
2. Get or using an organization-wide
“we” in their mind, only “I”. Their employees are
performance management or development
useful to them and serve to make them look good.
systems to support their leadership. If you don’t
Therefore, when a goal is achieved or an important
have a performance management system in
sale made, it is because of them and they are happy
your organization, you are inviting dysfunction
to take credit, perhaps casually mentioning their
from both leaders and employees. Without
team as an afterthought.
these systems, the leader has to provide the
container in which work is done and too often it
Changing Codependent Behavior
Codependent leaders will recognize there is a
problem but believes that the issue is the other
person. The first step is to get them to focus on
what they need to be successful and their behaviors
and reasoning that is leading to the problems.
Despite their gap in development, codependent
leaders can change their behavior. Long-standing
adaptive patterns of behavior can be changed
and new, productive responses and patterns can
be put in their place.
Much of our experience when working with
codependent leaders in organizations is that they
can eliminate dysfunctional relationships with
becomes subjective and ineffective. Get a
performance management system that is
linked to planning and development. If you
have one, make sure leaders are using it.
3. Stop compensating for poor performers by
doing their work. These types of leaders
success can be a direct result of doing the
employees work for them when they fail to
meet performance targets. They need to learn
to deal with poor performance and give
consequences. The codependent leader ends
up working for their employees to make them
successful. Training or coaching on how to
deliver performance correction including
preparation and role playing is needed to
build this leaders confidence.
employees by doing the following:
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5. 4. Establishing an accountability framework.
An accountability framework confirms to the
employee that they will be held accountable for
the work they sign off on. It prevents leaders
from making exceptions and not following their
own systems. Frequently codependent leaders
act like the organizations systems are there for
everyone else but them. Put an organization
wide accountability framework in place and
make sure everyone is held to account.
5. Create a leadership development program
which includes emotional intelligence
coaching. Codependent leaders must build
awareness of how they are contributing to their
team and employee’s dysfunction. Many leaders
have the business acumen without the
necessary development in the people
management arena. A leadership
development process that has leaders
building interpersonal competence and
challenges their fears and anxieties about
the emotional side of leading is a must to
help leaders achieve their full potential.
Leadership coaching for senior leaders is a
must and is critical to them setting the
benchmark for leadership performance.
For more information about how we can help you
deal with codependent leaders in your organization,
contact us for a consultation.
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