3. Positive Parenting
East Naples Middle
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Please remember:
Our goal is to provide parents strategies which will help
them develop and maintain a healthy relationship with their
child
We know that every child is unique. Every parent is
unique. Some things will work and some won’t.
You are the parent. Ultimately, you will decide what is best
for your child.
4. Positive Parenting
• Do you model the behaviors you want your child
to adopt?
• Love and Logic: "Anger and frustration feed
misbehavior”
• Sometimes you will need to step away from the
situation before addressing it – that is okay
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Tip #1: Begin with you
5. Positive Parenting
• Is your child getting enough sleep?
• What is your child eating?
• Is your child having yearly check-ups?
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Tip #2: Health matters
6. Positive Parenting
• How often do you spend one on one time with your
child?
• Do you sit down and share a meal with your child (no
electronics) at least once a week?
• If this is the single most effective strategy, how can
you make it occur?
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Tip #3: Making time
7. Positive Parenting
• 1114 middle school students attend everyday.
Without routines, we are doomed.
• Simplify rules to help make expectations clear
• Can your child describe the routines and rules
that you have established?
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Tip #4: Rules and routines
8. Positive Parenting
• Being firm creates a strong foundation in your
relationship with your child.
• Boundaries are meant to expand. As your child
grows, the boundaries will too.
• If you set limits with your child in a consistent,
positive way, eventually your child will
internalize your expectations.
• These guidelines will help him to get along
successfully in life.
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Tip #5: Consistency
9. Positive Parenting
• Avoid asking “why?” Instead ask “What did you
think would happen”” or “What did you want to
happen when you acted that way?”
• If you, and more importantly your child,
understands the meaning behind the behavior
there is a much greater chance to change future
action
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Tip #6: What is the source of the behavior?
10. Positive Parenting
• Kids ask us for things and permission all the
time. It is draining to always be the voice of
“No”
• Set conditions which you can live with and get
them to hear “Yes”
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Tip #7: Get to “Yes”
11. Positive Parenting
• PBS works at school and at home
• Recognizing positive behaviors can be done
without bribing your child
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Tip #8: Focus on the positive
12. Positive Parenting
• 1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning
• 2. Make Consequences Black and White
• 3. Have Problem-Solving Conversations
• 4. Don’t Get into an Argument over
Consequences
• 5. How Will I Know If a Consequence Is Working?
• 6. Some Things Should Never Be Used as
Consequences
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Tip #9: Consequences for them
13. Positive Parenting
• What were you wanting to have happen when
you did this?
• Was there some part of you that said ‘Don’t do
this’?
• What got in the way of you listening to that part
of you?
• What else could you have done?
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Tip #10: Reflecting on their actions
Editor's Notes
It's hard to keep cool in the heat of the moment, but Dr. Katharine C. Kersey, the author of "The 101s: A Guide to Positive Discipline," says that parents need to model the types of behavior they want their children to emulate. Remember, yelling begets yelling, hitting begets hitting. " We should not do anything in front of [our children] that we don't want them to do," she advises. In the case of an extreme behavioral flare-up, this may mean counting to 10, taking a deep breath or simply walking away until you've had time to collect yourself.
Middle school students need about 9 to 11 hours of sleep each night to function best according to the National Sleep Foundation. Most teens do not get enough sleep — one study found that only 15% reported sleeping 8 1/2 hours on school nights. Teens tend to have irregular sleep patterns across the week — they typically stay up late and sleep in late on the weekends, which can affect their biological clocks and hurt the quality of their sleep.
A nutritious diet can do more than improve kids’ health. Better food can actually mean better grades for school children. Dr. Paul J. Veugelers and his colleagues published a study in the Journal of School Health that analyzed “diet quality and academic performance” in 5,200 elementary students. They concluded that students who ate a healthy diet that included “fruits, vegetables, grains, dietary fiber, protein, iron, calcium, and vitamin C” performed better academically and were less likely to fail a literacy test. Conversely, those with an inadequate diet were more likely to perform poorly on tests.
By far, the best thing you can do to improve your children’s behavior is spending time with them individually every day, giving them the positive attention and emotional connection they’re hard-wired to need. When they don’t have that positive attention, they will seek out attention in negative ways, and consequences and other discipline methods won’t work. Aim for 10-15 minutes a day per child and you’ll see measurable improvement almost immediately.
Kids thrive with a routine, so set clearly defined routines for the most challenging times of the day, like mornings, after school, mealtimes and bedtimes. Let your kids help decide how the routine will go (do we get dressed or brush teeth first? How can you help get dinner ready?) For younger kids, write out the order of the routine using pictures or words and let them decorate it, then hang it where they’ll see it every day. Then stick to it.
It can be difficult for kids to keep a mess of rules straight. If it seems like you have 50 or so family rules, whittle down the list to what’s most important. Determine a consequence for each rule, make it clear to kids ahead of time of both the rules and consequences, and don’t give in. To make sure your consequences follow the 5 R’s of Fair & Effective Consequences, join Amy McCready for an upcoming training webinar.
Being firm creates a strong foundation in your relationship with your child.
Boundaries are meant to expand. As your child grows, the boundaries will too.
If you set limits with your child in a consistent, positive way, eventually your child will internalize your expectations.
These guidelines will help him to get along successfully in life.
Don’t ignore the source of misbehavior.
Misbehavior is always a symptom of a deeper issue, and when we can find what causes it, we can use the right strategies to correct it. If Bella keeps dumping toys all over your desk, is she upset that you’ve been working all afternoon? Is Eli throwing a fit over having the blue plate because he really wanted to make a choice and feel independent? In the midst of misbehavior, stay calm and ask yourself what might be causing it.
Understand the meaning behind the behavior. Naomi Aldort, the author of "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves," says that children want to behave well; if they seem to miss the mark, it's not without a valid reason. "The most important [thing] is to realize that whatever a child does, we may label as bad, [but really] the child is doing the best he can. It's our job as parents to find out why [he is] doing it," says Aldort. "Once we know the valid root of the behavior, we can easily remove the cause or heal the emotions, and the child won't be driven to behave in that way anymore." So ask yourself: is your child hitting her sibling in a desperate bid for your attention? Maybe you stayed on the phone too long or ignored her as you rushed to get dinner on the table. If so, what correction can you make to your own behavior that will satisfy your child's need? "A lot of what we expect of children is unreasonable,"
Kids barrage us with questions everyday, and more often than not, our answer is “no,” and kids resent it. Find opportunities to say “yes” when you can. If your daughter asks to go to the indoor pool in the middle of a busy weekday, try saying, “Going to the pool sounds like so much fun. Should we go tomorrow after school or on Saturday?” Of course, there will always be things that will need a big “no,” but try to redirect them to a more positive option.
Children often act up because they want your attention, so sometimes it pays to ignore those actions you don't want to see more of. Kersey calls this the "Rain on the grass, not on the weeds" principle. Tantrums and whining? Play deaf or walk away, and your child will quickly learn that there's a better way to communicate.
Don't bribe. It may be tempting to offer your child a cookie for behaving well during an outing, but Fay warns against it. Offering a child a reward sends the wrong message; what kids hear is "'You don't want to be very good and you have to be paid off,'" says Fay. Instead, Fay says, "the best reward for a kid is time with the parents." Kersey agrees that quality time is key to a happy, well-behaved child. She recommends that each parent spend at least 15 minutes one-on-one connecting with a child every day. "Do something your child wants to do [during that time]," says Kersey. "Whisper in their ear how wonderful they are, how much you love them. … It's the best investment you can make in your child."
Kids barrage us with questions everyday, and more often than not, our answer is “no,” and kids resent it. Find opportunities to say “yes” when you can. If your daughter asks to go to the indoor pool in the middle of a busy weekday, try saying, “Going to the pool sounds like so much fun. Should we go tomorrow after school or on Saturday?” Of course, there will always be things that will need a big “no,” but try to redirect them to a more positive option.
