1. Nobodyknows the trouble I’ve had
Russell Grenning
It’simportantthat I beginbysayingthatI am in a stable,happyandfulfillingrelationshipjustincase
anybodygetsthe wrongideabefore Ihave the opportunitytoexplain.
There isno roundaboutway of admittingthis.Call me deranged,call me brazen,call me brave orcall
me stupid – maybe I couldbe calledall of those thingsbutthe truthwill out.
I have a battery-poweredappliance thatIuse on myself inthe privacyof ourbathroomand, infact,
sometimesIgetmypartnerto use it on me.
There,I’ve saiditand I have outedmyself –I’ve gota nose andear hair trimmer. Really,it’sarelief
to nowsay it publiclyevenalthoughIrunthe riskof havingpeople lookdowntheir...um...well,noses
at me.
It’sone of nature’scruel tricksplayedmostly,butnotexclusively,onmen.Aswe age and the hair on
our headturnsgrey or fallsoutor both,nose and earhair sproutslike arainforestaftera storm. The
oddthingis that while there isawhole branchof science devotedtotryingtoworkout whywe go
baldand howwe can regrowourown hair,little hasbeendone about whyolderchapsgethairy
nosesandears.
Dermatologistsorwhoeverstudyskinandhairshouldputtheirshoulderstothe wheel anddosome
essential researchwork.Infact,put theirnosestothe grindstone.
One Americanauthority,DrJeffreyBenabio,hasadmittedto “TheNew York Times”, “I wish there
wasa good answer.”
Accordingto the gooddoctor, there are two kindsof hair: velluswhichisshortandfine intexture,
and terminal.Terminalhairisheavier,acharacteristicthatintensifiesinpubertyinthe pubicarea,
the underarmsand,in men,onthe face.It alsogrows inthe nose and earsand by late middle age,
more and more terminal hairsappear. “Itis normaland it is unclearwhy this occurs,” Dr Benabio
said.
“Terminal” seemstome to be a bloodysillyname foraboutthe onlythingonor in our olderbodies
that isluxuriantlyalive.While everythingelse isheadingforatrulyterminal end, “terminal”hairis
goinggang-busters.Gofigure - as our Americanfriendswouldsay.
“Scientific American” an esteemedjournal forscientifictypes,hasreportedthatasmenage,the hair
folliclesinthe nose andearbecome more sensitive totestosterone andalsobecome bigger,
producinglargerhairs.
Thisis anotherof nature’scruel tricks.If olderchapsare wonderingwhytheirsexual urgesare
diminishingwell,nowwe know- ourtestosterone ismigratingfromourtesticlestoournoses.I
wonderif standingonour headswouldreverse the flow?

2. I was toldbya youngchap inthe shopwhere I boughtmyappliance (batteriesnotincluded) thatthis
was an essentialtool forthe olderman.Andhe wentonand bloodyonabout how to use it as if I
was sostupidthat I couldn’treadthe enclosedinstructionsandall of the time Iwas sure that he was
tryingto lookup mynostrils – the smirkthat crossedhisface spoke volumesabouthisimpressionof
my hirsute protuberance. AtleastI didn’thave acne,I smuglythought.
Initially,Iwasusingscissorsbutplungingtwincuttingbladesintothe nostrils reallywasn’tagood
ideaso backto the sewingbaskettheywent. Andsomebodytoldme thatusingtweezersisnotall
that clevereither–verypainful andthere isthe riskof causingsmall lesionstooccurwhichcould
inflame the cavitiesandledtoinfection.
Hence the decisiontogetmy appliance. But – and wouldn’tyouknow it? – the instructionbooklet
toldme to use it “conservatively”asnose hair acts as a barrier againstbacteriaandgermsinvisibleto
us and floatinginthe air.Andnose hairwarms andmoistensthe airwe breathe in.Now I’m
wonderingif trimmingearhairwill leadtodeafness.
There are othermore advancedstepsyoucan take if you are notall that delightedwithyour
trimmer.
You can get yournose and earswaxed.Isitpainful?Well,AnnaAugustsson,the founderof “Mortal
Man Spa forMen” isquite bluntaboutitsaying,“Tough shit.If it were easy,everyone would begreat
looking.Fax waxing isnotfor pussies.Besides,if a man is tough enough,hecan do whateverhe
wants.”Iget the feelingthatshe isn’tchannellingFlorence Nightingale.
The ultimate stepislasertechnology –I am onlyguessingbutI’ma bitqueasyaboutthe ideaof
havinga powerfullyconcentratedbeamof lightzappingmyfolliclefloribunda.I’ve seenall of the
“Star War” movies andevenif the lasswieldingthe zapperlookslikePrincessLeiaI’dstill be
doubtful.
That remindsme – I mustget freshbatteries.Youdon’tgetanybuzzwhenyourappliance hasflat
batteries.