1. By RobinBond
I have heardthissaid…often. AndIgetit. TrulyI do. I can evengive youan example ortwo.
One personal examplethatcomestomindwasespeciallyfrustratingforme earlyoninmy career.
I am introverted. There wasatime when Iwould have described myself as“painfullyshy.” Inmy
growingupyears,I was taughtto keepmymouthshut,to be respectful of those olderthanmyself, and
to not be a bother. I wasn’tencouragedorallowedtotalkmuch,nor didmy parents interactwithme
regularly unlessthey were instructingme. Additionally,myparentsrarelyhadfriendscome over,soI
didn’tgetto observe people talkingandhavingfun. Asa result,Ididn’tdowell insituationswhere
social chit-chatwascalledforand where banterwasa good ice-breaker. If youhave everwatched
“Bones”on TV,you will have some ideaof whatI’mtalkingaboutwhenIsaythat I was socially
awkward. But I wasn’tas self-assured,super-intelligent, oroutgoingasshe waseither. The result? I
was very,veryquiet,didn’tinteractsuccessfully onasuperficial level,andpeople didn’tlikeme. Infact,
whatI discovered tomyshock wasthat people thoughtIwasstuck up!
Thiscouldn’thave beenfurtherfromthe truth. I cared deeplyforothersandwastrying to show this by
not botheringthem unlesstheyneededme. Iwas alsomore than a little frightenedof them.Basically, I
knewhowto have seriousandmeaningful conversationsaboutweightytopics,butnot how to express
normal light,yetbond-creating,chatter. Tell me you’re pregnant,alone, andwithoutresources,fall
apart in frontof me because you’ve justbeentoldyouhave cancer,confide inme thatyourspouse has
leftyou,andI’m all in. I’m THERE. I will know what to sayand do without eventrying. Butputme at a

2. party surroundedbypeople Idon’tknow whoare talkingaboutthe weather,some actress’shair-do,or
a newrestaurantdownthe streetand I getall withdrawn, tongue-tied,andstupid.
ThoughI knewwithoutadoubtI wasn’tstuck up,I realized Ihadto take some pointedactiontoalter
whatothersbelievedtobe reality. Theirperceptionappearedtobe truthto themand I had to change
whattheysaw to change what they concludedaboutme.
So I understand…but…BUT…
The fact that otherssaw me ina certainwaydidn’tmake me that way. Yes, I hadto understandhow
theysawme so I couldbegin tochange what they believed. ButI, infact, struggledwithlow,nothigh
self-esteem. Sotheirperceptionof realitywas utterly false.
There isgreat value in understandingwhat otherssee. Thisgivesus astartingpoint. From there,we
can determine what we needtodo to remove the misconceptions. Inmycase,I startedmakingan
efforttolookpeople inthe eye andgreet themaswe passedinthe corridor. I beganaskingthemhow
theywere doing. I listenedmore attentively. I laughedattheirjokes,evenif Ididn’tgetthe punchline.
AndI smiledandremained focusedwhentheytalkedaboutthe errandstheyranon Saturdayand how
theystill hadto go to the bank afterwork. How theirkidpoopedtheirdiaperthe nightbefore. What
theywere doingforMother’sDay. I had to learntohave an occasional comeback,torib themgood-
naturedly. Ittooklotsof effort,butIgot better. Andwhile Iwill neverbe asocial butterflyandremain
justa little awkwardinpurelysocial situations,Igetby.
But the realityof the situation,regardlessof theirperception,isthatI wasneverstuckup. Their
perceptionwaswrong. Anditwas wrongbecause they assumed.
I wouldlike tocontendthatassumingisnot actually a good choice. AndI believehisistrue inmost
situations.
I discoveredthisthe hardway. WhenI have assumedthingsinthe past,there have beenmany times
whenI have beenwrong. Asa result,I learnednotto jumpto conclusionsortopresume Iunderstand
basedsolely onwhatI perceive. I now realize there are manywaysto view things. Ourinterpretation
can easilybe skewedbypastexperiencesor acceptedgeneralizations. I’mbetteroff if I go to the
source,ask questions,andseekunderstanding ratherthanassume andwrongly interpretsomeone’s
actions.
Thisis whyI believeall partiesinvolvedneedtotake responsibilityfor preventingmisconceptions. A
healthydose of communicationwill goalongway towarddeterminingwhat realityis,infact.
Let me give youan example of whenItook thisapproach.
I had a jobopeningI was tryingto fill anditwas provingdifficult. We were seekingamechanical
engineerwithafairlyheftysetof skillsandexperience withaveryparticulartype of product butwe
couldn’tpaytop dollar.One promisingapplicantseemedtohave the right qualifications. We were
excited. Thatis,until he arrived. Iinterviewed him, asdid several membersof the engineeringgroup,
and we all came tothe same conclusion: thisguywasthe most arrogant,off-puttingpersonwe had
everencountered. Buthe had the skillsetandexperience we neededonthe team.

3. I thoughtaboutthe situationforafewhours,concludingwe were makinganassumptionbasedonwhat
we perceived,notonfact. So I decidedto call the candidate backfor anotherinterview toallow me to
talkwithhimabout our perceptionof him andhow itworried us.
In that nextinterview,Itoldthisyoungmanhow impressedwe were withhisskillsandexperienceand
that itseemedhe hadso muchof whatwe were lookingfor,we were seriously consideringmakinghim
an offer. ThenI sharedour one concern. I gentlyexplained how we viewedhimandhow we felt his
apparentarrogance was so toxic,we didn’tthinkanyone wouldbe able totolerate workingwithhim.
He wasshocked. Thenhe shared hisstory. A storythat totallyshifted myperception of him.
Thisyoungman had sufferedasevere blow tohisego. Hiswife lefthimonlyweeksbefore,butnot
before tellinghim,ingreatdetail,abouthis everyflaw. Itmade himfeel totally worthless. Every
morningbefore he gotoutof bed,he gave himself apeptalk as he attempted toconvince himself he
had value. Andinterviewswere brutal because he hadtosell himself whenhe washavingtremendous
difficultybelievinghe wasworth hiring. He had tearsin hiseyesashe shared. His real personality
beganto come throughand I realized hisouterarrogance wassimplyovercompensationforthe
worthlessness he wasfeelinginside.
I tookhim backto the engineeringgroup. Theymeta completelydifferentpersonthatdayandwe
unanimously decidedtotake a chance and hire him. He turnedoutto be a great employee,one who
got alongsplendidlywiththe teamandbuiltalotof bridgeswiththe manufacturinggroup.
If I hadallowedmymisconceptiontorule (myperceptionisrealty),we wouldhave missedthe
opportunitytoemployaverytalentedindividual whomade some exceptional contributionstothe
organization. Bygoingto the source and talkingwithhimaboutthe wayhe appearedto others,Iwas
able to discoverhisheart. The maskhe wore wasremovedandthe wallswere disassembled.
My point? Before youdismissapersonora situationwith aflippant“perceptionisreality”comment,
diga little deeper. Maybe theyneedtochange how theyoperate. Maybe theyhave a mask that needs
to come off. But you alsohave a responsibilityto findoutwhatthe truth isbefore youjudge andlabel
them.
You may thinkyourperceptionisrealityandit’sall the otherparty’sresponsibilitytochange yourmind.
But youhave some responsibilitytoo. Youhave the responsibilitytouncoverthe truth. Andonce you
knowthe truth, goforwardfrom there. Withclearvision.