1. I forgot to have a mid-life crisis
A chumof mine whoisstill onthe sunnyside of 50 – a bitof a lad really – isso bloodypolitically
correct that he wantsto knowwhat isthe right age to have a mid-life crisis.
The thoughtthat he mighthave missed it,the fearthathe is alreadyoverthe hill mid-life-crisiswise
isconsuminghimand,frankly,drivingeverybodyhe knowsmad.He spendsagood part of hisday
surfingthe nettryingto getanswerswhich,inmyconsideredview,isasymptomof havinga mid-life
crisisinitself.
As yet,he hasn’tboughta ludicrouslyexpensive sportscaror abandonedhisgoodladywife forachit
of a girl youngenoughtobe hisdaughteror become obsessedwiththinningandgreyinghairandan
ever-wideningpaunchandhe worriesaboutthat.Yes, he isdepressedaboutthe factthat he may
have missedthe depressionhe thinksautomaticallycomeswithamid-lifecrisis.
The term “mid-life crisis”wascoinedin1965 by the Canadianpsychoanalystand organisational
psychologist,DrElliotJacques.He was48 at the time soI am presuminghe wasgoingthroughhisat
the time.
My chumrecentlyinformedme thatthe consensusview amongthe mid-life-crisis-analystcrowdis
that menhave theircrisisanywhere between40and 60 while womenhave theirsbetween35and
45. If a man anda womanwere roughlythe same age whentheirrelationshipbeganthere is
obviouslyadangerousoverlapwhenall hellcouldbreakloose.
AnyhowI’mcertainly outof harm’sway – 60 seemssucha longtime ago – andto be honestIthink
that I forgotto have a mid-life crisis.Apartfromoccasional andperfectlyunderstandable human
reactionstoassortedprovocations,Ican’trecall havinga reallyextendedperiodof depression,
anger,resentment,jealousy,remorse orennui.Idon’tthinkIspentmuchtime goingthrough
extendedsoul-searching,reflectionorpersonal reassessment.
Perhaps,fundamentally,I’mjustlazybecause life hasmore orlessjustdriftedalongwiththe odd
little victoryhere andthere counter-balancedwithsome milddisappointmentswhichcouldbe
shruggedoff. Call me shallowif youlike butthat’sthe wayitwas and still is.
I didn’treallygothroughsome anguishedperiodof realisingthatIhad unrealisedgoalsbecause I
was toobusy havingfunin myteensandtwentiestogetaroundto settinganygoals.
Some yearsago – practicallyadecade actually – I wentto the 40th
anniversaryreunionof myYear12
classand I came awayfeelingverypleasedwithmyself becauseIrealisedthatpeople Iconsideredto
be absolute brain-deadidiotsin1966 were still absolute brain-deadidiots,onlyolder.I’msure that
provesthatI was a remarkablymature teenagerwithexcellentcharacterassessmentskills because
aftera lifetime of experience meetingall sortsof folksIcame to the same conclusionthateveningI
had inthe mid 1960s.

2. I couldsure pick the oneswhohad hador, perhaps,were still havingtheirmid-life crisis.A lotof
clearevidence of botox,liposuction,face-lifts,nose jobs, andtummy tucks,implants,hair
transplantsandhair piecesandassortedfillers.Somewere dressedinariotof designergearwarped
intomostunbecomingshapesbecause of the bodytheywere tryingtoclothe.Iwasinmy comfy
corduroys,cardiganand HushPuppies.
One of the aforementionedabsolute braindeadidiotstriedtoengage me inconversationaboutthe
varioustravailsof havinga trickyprostate.Itoldhim he couldtake hischosensubjectof discourse
and shove itup hisbumwhich,onreflection, Ithoughtwasratherhumorousina verysubtle,mature
sort of way. ApparentlyhisisenlargedwhichIdidn’tfindevenvaguelyinterestingapartfromthe
thoughtthat giventhe size of hisbumhe couldaccommodate that organ quite comfortablyevenit
was as bigas a watermelon.
I won’tbe botheringwiththe 50th
anniversaryreunion –itwill onlybe arerun of the 40th
witha
smallercastdue to deathsand variousinfirmitiesandamuch greaternumberof walkingframes and
otheraidsfor perambulation.AndIsuppose itwill be anafternoonfunctionbecause mostwillbe
underordersfromMatron to be inbedby 6pm and be a minute late andthere isnococoa.
AndI suppose the obligatorymusicfromThe RighteousBrothers,The Mamasand The Papas,The
Four Tops,The LovingSpoonful andThe Beatleswill have tobe setat a roaringvolume notbecause
everybodywantstocuta rug and jive the afternoonawaybutbecause somanyare too bloodyvain
to weartheirhearingaid.
Nothavinghad a mid-lifecrisishasensuredthatmysunnydisposition,forgivingnature,generosity
of spiritandprofoundrespectformyfellow humanshave remainedundiminished.
That’s whyI toldmychum to justget overit.